United States of Tara (2009–2011): Season 1, Episode 2 - Aftermath - full transcript
Tara begins to wonder if people really want her around when she's just herself. She tries to talk to her daughter Kate about sex but she clearly wants to avoid the subject. When son Marshall tells her that his English teacher may phone to talk about a disagreement they had at school, he decides that he would like his Dad take care of it. As a result, another of Tara's personalities makes an appearance. This time it's Alice, a old-fashioned housewife who bakes and irons clothes and the like. Her straightforward manner does solve several problems however.
(female announcer)
PREVIOUSLY ON
THE UNITED STATES OF TARA...
SO WHAT'S THE DEAL, T?
WHY ARE YOU HERE INSTEAD OF MOM?
REMEMBER THOSE KILL PILLS
I HELPED YOU GET
AT THE FREE CLINIC?
YOUR MOM FOUND THE EVIDENCE,
AND SHE'S TWEAKING.
(Tara)
IT'S A PRESCRIPTION
FOR MORNING AFTER PILLS.
YOU KNOW THAT BAD SURPRISES
ARE A TRIGGER FOR HER.
OH, I'M SORRY.
I GUESS I SHOULD'VE LET
THAT FERTILIZED EGG
IMPLANT ITSELF IN MY UTERUS.
KATE!
I DID NOT RAISE YOU
TO LET BOYS
WHO WEAR PIGTAILS
PUSH YOU AROUND.
THESE ARE SAMURAI KNOTS.
MOM!
THIS IS YOUR WIFE'S BODY.
JUST 'CAUSE I'M NOT HER,
DOESN'T MEAN
WE CAN'T HOOK UP.
OKAY, WE MADE OUT
A LITTLE BIT.
I CAN'T HELP IT--WHAT THE FUCK
AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU.
THEY'RE REALLY LUCKY.
WE'RE LUCKY, MOM.
I MEAN, BECAUSE OF YOU,
WE GET
TO BE INTERESTING.
(Charmaine)
IT IS REALLY HARD FOR ME
TO SEE MY SISTER LIKE THAT.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT
EVEN A REAL DISEASE, MAX.
IT'S REAL, CHARMI.
SO YOUR MOM ACTUALLY
GOES AROUND
ACTING LIKE
SHE'S A TEENAGER?
SHE'S NOT ALWAYS T.
[Southern accent]
IF YOU EVER TOUCH KATIE AGAIN,
I WILL RIP OFF YOUR BALLS
AND SHOVE THEM DOWN--
OW, MRS. GRAYSON.
STOP IT!
I CAN'T EVEN HIT YOU BACK!
WHAT'S THIS MRS. GRAYSON
BULLSHIT?
I AM BUCK, AND
I WILL FUCK YOU SIDEWAYS.
WAIT--YOU'RE WHO?
OH!
COME ON.
[contemplative music]
* *
* OPEN UP THE SKY *
* THIS MESS IS GETTING HIGH *
* IT'S WINDY,
AND OUR FAMILY NEEDS A RIDE *
* *
* I KNOW WE'LL BE JUST FINE *
* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE
THE RIDE *
* *
* I KNOW WE'LL BE FINE *
* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE
THE RIDE *
* *
* I KNOW WE'LL BE
JUST FINE *
* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE *
* THE RIDE *
I JUST REALLY RESENT
PICKING UP AFTER THEM.
(Tara)
I MEAN, NOT THE KIDS.
THE ALTERS.
THE MESSES THEY MAKE
CAN BE...
[scoffs]
ASTOUNDING.
I MEAN, HAVING MULTIPLE
PERSONALITIES IS LIKE...
HOSTING A KEGGER
IN YOUR BRAIN.
ONLY YOU'RE PASSED OUT COLD,
WHILE EVERYONE ELSE
IS JUST TRASHING THE JOINT.
[sighs]
THIS FAMILY MEETING
IS CALLED TO ORDER.
I LIKE
TO CALL THEM SUMMITS.
SOUNDS MORE GLOBAL,
ALMOST SWISS.
OKAY, SO, UH,
FRIDAY AFTERNOON,
I BELIEVE T WAS
IN HERE, RIGHT?
[snorts]
THAT WAS
DEFINITELY T-TIME.
IN WHICH CASE,
WE NEED TO TALK
ABOUT SOME MYSTERIOUS CHARGES
ON MY CREDIT CARD.
HM.
WHAT?
OR I COULD LOOK UP
THE STATEMENT
AND SEE WHAT T
AND HER "FRIEND"
SPENT MY MONEY ON.
[sighs]
OKAY, SO I GOT
SOME SKANK SHIRTS
AT THAT DEAD MALL
IN GRANDVIEW.
BUT I DIDN'T
TAKE OFF THE TAGS,
SO I'LL RETURN THEM,
OKAY?
AND I GOT A KNOCK-OFF
CHINESE GUCCI ASS-PACK.
AND SOME CIGARETTES.
WHICH I DID NOT SMOKE
BECAUSE T GETS MENTHOLS,
AND I THINK THOSE
MAKE YOUR LUNGS BLEED.
AND I ALSO THINK
THEY'RE RACIST.
WOW.
I NEED MY OWN MONEY.
OKAY, SO THEN I CAME BACK,
AND THEN I WAS BUCK.
THEN I KICKED SOME ASS.
(Max)
OH, YEAH...
WELL, TECHNICALLY
BUTT-KICKED SOME ASS.
GREAT.
I HELPED.
HIGH FIVE.
OKAY, THAT'S REALLY GOOD,
WE CAN DISCUSS THIS AS A FAMILY.
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE WEIRD.
IT'S WEIRD.
[sighs]
SO I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS
WENT BOWLING WITHOUT ME.
AH, WE ONLY WENT THERE
'CAUSE BUCK HAS A THING
FOR THAT HILLBILLY WAITRESS
AT THE SNACK BAR.
HE WON HER A STUFFED TAZ
AT THE ARCADE GAME.
THEN SHE LICKED HIS FACE.
UGH.
LOOK, WE KNEW WHEN YOU
WENT OFF THE MEDS,
THE WHOLE GANG
WOULD RESURFACE.
YEAH, MULTIPLE PERSONALITY
REUNION TOUR.
YEAH,
THEY'RE LIKE GENESIS, MAN.
WE ALWAYS KNEW
THAT STAGE WOULD COME BACK.
ANYWAY, I CAN'T--WE CAN'T
BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU NEED THEM,
UNLESS WE LET THEM
SHOW THEMSELVES.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
LOOK AT YOUR POOR EYE.
AT LEAST IT'S
NOT ALL PURPLE ANYMORE.
IT'S KIND OF
A FUNKY '70s YELLOW NOW.
OW.
THAT HURT!
OOH, SORRY.
YOU'RE LAUGHING!
MM.
[knocks]
[soft classical music plays]
WHAT'S THIS?
PANDORA'S BOX.
G.W. PABST.
1929.
IT'S A MASTERPIECE.
I COULD SCREEN IT
IN THE LIVING ROOM THIS WEEKEND.
SOUNDS GREAT.
WE COULD SUBJECT
THE WHOLE FAMILY.
LOUISE BROOKES IS
ABOUT TO BE MURDERED.
HER SEXUAL INDISCRETIONS
WILL NOT GO UNPUNISHED.
HONEY?
IS THERE ANYTHING
YOU WANT TO TELL ME?
DID HE CALL?
DID WHO CALL ME?
HE DIDN'T?
WHO?
I'M GOING TO BE UP-FRONT
WITH YOU.
I'VE BEEN HAVING
SOME DIFFERENCES OF OPINION
WITH MY ENGLISH TEACHER.
ALL RIGHT, SO CAN ANYONE
TELL ME THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF ETHAN'S WALKING STICK
IN THIS CHAPTER?
YEAH, MADISON.
UM...
I THINK THAT ETHAN
NEEDS SOMETHING TO LEAN ON.
AH...
[chuckles]
ALL RIGHT,
THAT'S ONE WAY TO LOOK AT IT.
YEAH.
ACTUALLY,
IT'S BLATANTLY EROTIC.
THE WALKING STICK
REPRESENTS ETHAN'S ERECTION.
[snickering]
THAT'S INAPPROPRIATE,
MARSHALL.
[more snickering]
EXCUSE ME,
MR. GERSHENOFF.
I'M NOT AN EXPERT
OR ANYTHING,
BUT I THINK
I KNOW MY LITERARY BONERS.
[laughter]
SHH.
WELL, DO YOU WANT ME
TO TALK TO HIM?
I'D BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO.
NO, I CAN HANDLE IT.
THE LAST THING YOU NEED
IS TO WORRY
ABOUT MY STUPID SCHOOL
STUFF.
(Kate)
FUCK ME.
[groans]
GOD DAMN IT.
PIECE OF SHIT.
NICE.
FUCK!
UGH!
MOM, THIS BOOT
HAS COME FROM HELL.
JUST CAME
FROM THE TOWN OF HELL
TO MAKE MY LIFE MISERABLE.
THANK YOU.
JEEZ.
HEY, SO
I WAS THINKING ABOUT
HOW YOU TOOK CARE
OF STUFF.
WITH THAT PRESCRIPTION,
WHEN I WASN'T AROUND.
AND THAT I'M REALLY PROUD
OF YOU.
BUT WHAT?
LIKE WHY DIDN'T I USE A CONDOM
OR SOMETHING?
ACTUALLY, I THINK
I KNOW WHY PEOPLE
DON'T ALWAYS USE CONDOMS.
SEX CAN BE BIZARRE
WHEN YOU FIRST START DOING IT.
I MEAN...NAKED PEOPLE,
WEIRD BODY PARTS--
IT'S AWKWARD AS HELL.
AND NO ONE KNOWS
HOW TO ACT.
SO I JUST WANT YOU
TO KNOW I'VE BEEN THERE.
AND WE CAN TALK.
OKAY, THANKS.
[sighs]
[playing music on iPod]
THERE'S JUST--THERE'S
A LOT OF MISINFORMATION
FLOATING AROUND,
YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, FOR INSTANCE,
ANAL SEX IS SEX.
SEE?
I JUST SAID, "ANAL SEX."
I'M PRETTY COOL.
WHAT?
IT'S NOTHING, MOM.
IT'S JUST SOMETIMES,
YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE
I'M LIVING IN SOME SORT
OF LIFETIME LADY TAMPON MOVIE.
WHAT'S A LIFETIME LADY
TAMPON MOVIE?
FORGET IT, MAX.
CONVERSATION'S OVER.
DAD, I HATE IT
WHEN SHE JUST SWOOPS IN HERE,
AND ACTS LIKE
WE CAN JUST TALK ABOUT ANYTHING.
OH, WELL.
SHE'S YOUR MOTHER,
AND SHE CARES,
SO YOU GOT TO LOVE HER.
YOU HAVE TO, MAYBE.
YOU MARRIED HER.
AND YOU CHOSE THAT.
BUT FOR ME,
IT'S JUST DRAMA AND WEIRDNESS.
SO.
BYE.
OOH...
ONE DAY SHE'LL GROW UP
AND BE A PERSON,
I PROMISE.
SHE'LL GROW UP,
SHE'LL HAVE KIDS OF HER OWN,
AND BE YOUR ADULT DAUGHTER.
NOT THIS EVIL
FUCKING BRATZ DOLL.
I JUST HOPE WE'RE NOT...
HEY, THERE'S NOT A KID
IN THE WORLD
THAT WANTS TO TALK
TO THEIR MOTHER ABOUT SEX.
SHE'S FINE.
FROM YOUR LIPS.
AND TOMORROW,
I'M GOING TO TALK
TO MARSHY'S TEACHER.
WE'RE GOING TO GET
THAT STRAIGHTENED OUT AS WELL.
WHY, I THOUGHT
HE DIDN'T WANT US TO--
UM, MOM...
YOU SEE...
THE THING IS...
MR. GERSHENOFF
IS KIND OF A BEAR.
AND PEOPLE ARE
STILL TALKING ABOUT--
HEY, WE JUST THOUGHT
A MAN-TO-MAN THING
MIGHT BE THE WAY
TO PLAY THIS GUY.
BUT IF YOU WANT TO COME,
WE'LL GO TOGETHER.
YEAH, I MEAN
IF YOU WANT TO GO.
YEAH, YEAH.
NO, NO, YOU GUYS
ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
IT'S EXACTLY THE RIGHT WAY
TO PLAY IT.
WHY DO YOU CARE
IF MARSHALL DOESN'T WANT YOU
TO TALK TO HIS TEACHERS?
IT'S LIKE THEY
DON'T EVEN WANT ME AROUND
WHEN I'M ME.
OH, PLEASE.
IT'S ALL YOU.
PLUS, HE WET THE BED.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
LIKE HE PEED THE BED?
LIKE,
BABY GOO-GOO-GA-GA?
OR WET THE BED,
LIKE A BIG BOY.
HE URINATED IN BED,
CHARMAINE.
HE USED TO DO IT
ALL THE TIME WHEN HE WAS A KID,
BUT HE HASN'T DONE IT
SINCE HE WAS, LIKE, 11.
AND KATE...
I DON'T KNOW
WHO SHE'S BECOMING.
[sighs]
MAYBE THE KIDS
ARE RESPONDING TO TRAUMA.
WHAT TRAUMA?
YOU KNOW,
YOUR SCHIZOPHRENIA...
SITUATION.
[scoffs]
OKAY, LET ME EXPLAIN.
AGAIN.
SCHIZOPHRENIA IS
WHEN YOU HEAR VOICES,
LIKE THE RADIO PEOPLE.
I DON'T HAVE THAT.
I DON'T HEAR VOICES.
RIGHT, YOU DO
THE WHOLE CHARACTER.
I WANT TO GET SOMETHING
FOR KATE.
MAYBE I SHOULD GET HER
ONE OF THOSE.
SHE CAN WEAR IT
WHILE HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX.
SPICE THINGS UP A BIT.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED?
IT BETTER NOT BE VITAMINS.
NO, THESE ARE NOT
JUST VITAMINS.
OKAY, THIS IS A PRODUCT
I HAPPEN TO BELIEVE IN.
OTHERWISE, I WOULDN'T BE
A LEVEL TWO SALES REP.
THIS IS VITA-SELF'S
MOOD-BOOSTER REMIX.
OKAY, IT'S
A LITTLE DRINK YOU DO
ONCE IN THE MORNING,
TWICE IN THE EVENING,
WITH LIKE A SALTWATER FLUSH.
YOU KNOW.
SOUNDS GREAT.
BUT I'D JUST RATHER NOT...
FLUSH.
SORRY.
BUY SOME,
AND HELP ME OUT A LITTLE.
HELP OUT YOUR COLON.
HEY, LET'S GO
TO MACAW ISLAND THIS WEEKEND.
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
COME ON, MAN, THE BEACH BOYS
ARE PLAYING
WITHOUT ANY
OF THE ACTUAL BEACH BOYS.
IF I WANT TO WITNESS
A SAD DECLINE,
I'LL JUST TAKE A LOOK
AT MY OWN LIFE.
THANK YOU.
IT'S BEEN TOO LONG SINCE WE DID
ANY INTENSE MANLY STUFF.
YOU KNOW?
ALL WE DO NOW
IS SHOVEL DIRT
AND NURSE TREES AND SHIT.
WE'RE LANDSCAPERS, ASSHOLE.
YEAH,
WE 'SCAPE THE LAND,
BUT I MEAN,
WE CAN'T LET THAT DEFINE US.
I MEAN, LOOK--WE USED
TO WORK THE LAND IN OUR 20s,
BUT MAN, WE DID IT DRUNK.
JUST GO TO MACAW ISLAND,
AND SPEND SOME MONEY.
GET SOME OF THOSE LITTLE,
YOU KNOW, BAYOU BREEZER DRINKS.
MAYBE.
THAT SOUNDS GOOD, ACTUALLY.
YOU GOING TO DO
ANY WORK HERE, OR WHAT?
I'M MESMERIZED
BY YOUR ASS.
THESE ARE BORING.
THESE'LL LOOK
ALL RIGHT ON YOU.
HEY, TARA.
HI.
OH, HI!
OH, WOW.
SO YOU'RE--
YOU'RE OUT AND ABOUT, HUH?
HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD.
YEAH, GOOD.
HOW ARE YOU GUYS?
I'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT YOU.
OH, MY GOD.
I COMPLETELY FORGOT.
I WAS GOING TO MAKE
A CAKE FOR THE BAKE SALE.
I'M SORRY.
FOR THE CLEFT PALATE KIDS
IN BRAZIL.
NO, NOT THAT.
I DIDN'T EVEN REALLY COUNT
ON IT.
I MEAN, YOU JUST HAVE
SO MUCH ON YOUR PLATE,
WHAT WITH THAT BROUHAHA
WITH KATIE'S BOYFRIEND.
HE'S NOT
HER BOYFRIEND.
HOOKUP.
WHATEVER.
ALL RIGHT, THAT BENJAMIN
IS AN ABUSIVE LITTLE SHIT,
WHO DISRESPECTS YOUNG LADIES,
WHILE WEARING EYELINER.
WE GOTTA GO.
IT'S GOOD
TO SEE YOU, TARA.
GET SOME REST,
TARA.
JESUS, TARA, YOU JUST
STAND THERE AND TAKE IT.
YEAH, I KNOW--
I CAN'T--
I MEAN, I FEEL
LIKE WE'RE TEN AGAIN.
OKAY, OKAY, O--
TARA?
[light, airy voice]
WHAT A MARVELOUS SHADE.
OH, FUCK.
DON'T LET GERSHENOFF
INTIMIDATE YOU.
I MEAN, THE MAN HAS A B.A.
FROM A STATE SCHOOL.
I GUESS.
BESIDES, LIKE,
WHAT CAN HE DO?
LIKE, RUN CRYING
TO PRINCIPAL FRANKEL
JUST BECAUSE YOU POINTED OUT
SOME SEX IN A NOVEL?
UGH, I CAN'T STAND
THESE CONSERVATIVE BED WETTERS.
WHAT'S WRONG?
NOTHING.
I APPRECIATE YOUR CONCERN,
PETULA.
WELL, YOU KNOW
HOW MUCH I CARE.
YEAH.
HEY, I GOT TO HIT
THAT PARENT-TEACHER CONFERENCE,
SO KEEP AN EYE OUT ON THINGS
WHILE I'M GONE, OKAY?
HEY, WHAT IF
ONE OF THESE GUYS
ASKS ME A QUESTION, MAN?
I DON'T SPEAK SPANISH.
[car door closes]
WHAT IF THE, UH--
WHAT IF THE OWNERS COME HOME?
OR WHAT IF I START DOING
A BUNCH OF EXTRA WORK
THAT ISN'T IN YOUR BID?
AH, YOU WERE GOING TO DO
A BUNCH OF EXTRA WORK?
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M--I'M LOOKING OUT FOR YOU.
OKAY?
I THINK IT'S UNFAIR YOU GOT
TO DO ALL THE WORK.
CAN'T TARA DO SOME OF IT?
LATER.
GOD, YOU'RE SO CODEPENDENT.
[car starts]
IT'S CALLED LOVE, BRO.
CALLED LOVE.
YEAH, OKAY.
IT'S NOT BAD.
[sighs]
IT'S WHO YOU ARE, MAXWELL.
THANK JESUS TOO,
MAN, I'M ALWAYS LATE.
USUALLY STONED.
[dainty music]
* *
I KNOW,
I WAS REALLY IMPRESSED.
HELLO, LAURIE, BETH.
I'M ALICE.
RIGHT, ALICE.
I BROUGHT MY CAKE.
WOW.
THAT IS...ELABORATE.
I'M SURE YOU'LL FIGURE OUT
WHERE TO PUT IT.
YOU COULD MOVE WHATEVER
THAT IS.
WELL, I'M SORRY IF MARSHALL
FEELS THAT WAY.
IT'S CERTAINLY NOT PERSONAL
ON MY END.
THERE'S A CURRICULUM
THAT I HAVE TO FOLLOW.
WE'RE--WE'RE NOT
IN VERMONT.
YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT.
YEAH.
I-I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU...
HAVE AN ODD FAMILY SITUATION,
MR. GREGSON.
BUT IN MY CLASSROOM,
THAT MAKES MARSHALL
NEITHER MORE INTERESTING,
NOR MORE SUPERIOR.
ALTHOUGH HE SEEMS TO THINK
IT DOES.
(Max)
WELL, WE'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE
TO AGREE TO DISAGREE,
BECAUSE TO ME, THAT SOUNDS
PRETTY FUCKING PERSONAL.
KNOCK, KNOCK.
ROOM FOR ONE MORE?
UM...
[clears throat]
UM, I'M OKAY.
I GOT THIS COVERED.
WELL, I WON'T BE
BUT A MINUTE.
I CAME BY TO DROP OFF
SOME TREATS FOR THE BAKE SALE,
AND FIGURED
WHILE I WAS HERE,
I'D POP IN AND MEET
MY BOY'S TEACHER.
MR. GERSHENOFF,
IT IS SUCH A PLEASURE.
THANK YOU.
[giggles]
WE'RE SO VERY WORRIED
ABOUT OUR MARSHALL.
SHOULD WE BE CONCERNED?
UH, MARSHALL'S
A UNIQUE CHALLENGE.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR CHALLENGES?
I'M SORRY?
OH, MR. GERSHENOFF,
I FEEL SO FORMAL.
MAY I CALL YOU
BY YOUR FIRST NAME?
WHAT IS YOUR FIRST NAME?
OREL.
MR. GERSHENOFF, WE ALL KNOW
WHAT THIS IS REALLY ABOUT.
BEING DIFFERENT.
AND YOU, OUT OF ANYONE,
MUST UNDERSTAND.
POOR LITTLE OREL GERSHENOFF,
SITTING IN THE BACK
OF THE CLASS,
WITH HIS FUNNY HAIR,
AND HIS FUNNY NAME,
DAYDREAMING ABOUT SPORTS
HE'D NEVER PLAY,
AND GIRLS HE'D NEVER TOUCH,
YOU KNOW, PANDERING
TO THE FOOTBALL CAPTAINS
AND PROM QUEENS OF TODAY
WON'T TAKE AWAY THE PAIN
OF YESTERDAY.
THEY CAN'T APPRECIATE YOU NOW
ANY MORE THAN THEY DID
BACK THEN.
AND TAKING IT OUT
ON THE WEIRD KID....
WON'T HELP THAT WEIRD KID
IN THERE.
IT'S TIME
TO START LOVING OREL.
I NEVER MEANT
TO SINGLE MARSHALL OUT.
[clears throat]
UM...
I--I'VE ASSIGNED
SOME EXTRA CREDIT.
SO IF HE COMPLETES IT,
HE CAN KEEP HIS AVERAGE UP.
SUCH A PLEASURE
TO MEET YOU, OREL.
HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY.
[laughing]
OH, MY GOD.
YOU SAVED MY LIFE.
OH, PIFFLE.
IT WAS AMAZING.
"OH, NO
YOU DIDN'T, ALICE."
IT WAS A TOUR DE FORCE.
OH, THE FRENCH LANGUAGE
IS SO EXPRESSIVE.
DON'T YOU THINK, KATE?
CAN I HAVE WINE
WITH MY MEAL?
NO.
WHEN SOMEONE
ASKS YOU A QUESTION,
IT'S CUSTOMARY
TO LIFT YOUR GAZE
TO MEET THEIRS,
AND RESPOND IN KIND.
WHEN'S MOM COMING BACK?
OH, TARA'S NOT EQUIPPED
TO MANAGE THIS FAMILY
AT THE MOMENT.
NOW WE'VE ALL COME
TO A CONSENSUS,
AND I THINK YOU
NEED ME RIGHT NOW.
[scoffs]
THAT'S ENOUGH
WITH YOUR GADGET.
[phone ringing]
YOU CAN COMMUNICATE
WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND LATER.
UH, JUST ONE GLASS?
NO.
OH, FOR GOODNESS.
[laughing]
ALICE, I DON'T HAVE
A BOYFRIEND ANYMORE,
BECAUSE MY MOM
TURNED INTO A MAN,
CAME TO SCHOOL,
AND GIMP-SLAPPED HIM,
[Max sighs]
WHILE EVERYONE
I'VE EVER MET WATCHED.
WELL, HE HAD BAD GENES.
YOUR CHILDREN
WOULD'VE BEEN UGLY AND STUPID.
(Max)
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
JUST NEED SOME AIR.
MM. THE FEAST IS HERE.
CHICKEN, PLEASE.
(waitress)
HERE YOU ARE.
THANK YOU.
BE BACK IN A MOMENT,
SWEETHEART.
[door opening]
WHAT IS IT?
JUST HAVING A WEIRD DAY.
WELL, SNAP YOURSELF
OUT OF IT.
WE'RE HERE
TO HAVE A NICE DINNER.
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE
A NICE DINNER.
KATE, I KNOW YOU
AREN'T FOND OF ME.
BUT I'M CONCERNED
ABOUT YOUR DEVELOPMENT
AS A YOUNG WOMAN.
YOU'RE PROMISCUOUS.
YOU AREN'T GUARDING
YOUR FLOWER.
WHAT DO YOU WANT, ALICE?
I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW
THAT EVEN THOUGH
I DEEPLY DISAPPROVE
OF THE WAY
YOU CARRY YOURSELF,
YOUR MOTHER
LOVES YOU VERY MUCH.
YEAH?
YES.
SHE WANTS YOU TO KNOW
SHE DIDN'T MEAN TO OVERREACT
ABOUT THOSE PILLS
YOU BROUGHT HOME.
SHE JUST DOESN'T WANT YOU
BEING...
INTIMATE,
AT YOUR AGE.
BECAUSE SHE HAD YOU
AT 19,
AND THAT WAS
QUITE A HARDSHIP.
I'M NOT A HARDSHIP.
I'M AWESOME.
YOU'RE A GRACELESS INGRATE.
[scoffs]
YOU MEAN A SLUT?
A GIRL WHO LIKES BOYS?
WHO LETS BOYS KNOW
SHE LIKES THEM?
A GIRL WHO ORGASMS?
AND MOANS, AND MOANS,
AND SCREAMS IN ECSTASY?
A GIRL WHO SUCKS AND FUCKS?
A GIRL WITH ABSOLUTELY
NO BACK-DOOR SHYNESS.
THAT'S IT.
I'M GOING TO WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT
WITH SOAP.
[laughing]
YOU HAVE GOT
TO BE KIDDING ME.
TRY ME.
[muffled screams]
WHAT I'M SAYING ABOUT--
[muffled screams]
HEY!
ARE YOU INSANE?
WHAT THE FUCK?
DAD!
[sighs]
YOU OKAY?
[sigh]
[crying]
KATE?
THIS IS
FUCKING BULLSHIT.
OH, GOD,
I WANT OUT.
HOW?
ARE YOU HIRING?
ALWAYS.
I'D LIKE TO FILL OUT
AN APPLICATION.
WHY DO YOU WANT
TO WORK HERE?
I LIVE TO SERVE PEOPLE.
[knocking]
I FOUND A COFFEE STIRRER,
IF YOU NEED
A LITTLE WALKING STICK.
COOL, THANKS.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO TUCK YOU IN?
UM...
I'M 14, ALICE.
I THINK I CAN HANDLE IT.
I KNOW YOU TEE-TEED
IN YOUR BED.
YOU KNOW, LACK OF CONTROL
IS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.
LOTS OF DEBONAIR MEN
THROUGHOUT HISTORY
HAVE HAD THEIR PECCADILLOES.
FOR INSTANCE, CARY GRANT LIKED
TO WEAR WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
I MEAN, I HAVEN'T HAD
AN ACCIDENT IN YEARS.
IT'S WEIRD.
OH!
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT,
SWEETIE.
NO.
YOU KNOW SOMEDAY,
IF EVERYTHING GOES
THE WAY I'M HOPING,
I'LL BE HERE ALL THE TIME.
WON'T THAT BE FUN?
[knocking]
KNOCKING.
DON'T COME IN.
COME ON,
GIVE ME TWO MINUTES.
THREE MINUTES, TOPS.
WHAT IS THAT, WAX?
90 SECONDS.
OKAY.
I'M SORRY ABOUT ALICE.
WASHING YOUR MOUTH OUT
WITH SOAP,
I MEAN, THAT'S CRAZY.
IT'S KIND OF FUNNY
THOUGH, RIGHT?
IT'S ABOUT AS FUNNY
AS AN IRREGULAR MOLE.
YEAH.
YEAH.
MARSH TOLD ME
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED.
AND IT'S UNFAIR.
I'M SORRY, HONEY.
[breathes heavily]
[sniffles]
WHAT'S THAT?
REMEMBER ALL THOSE PHOTOS
YOU USED TO KEEP IN A SHOEBOX?
ALICE ORGANIZED THEM ALL
EARLIER TODAY,
AND MADE EVERYBODY
A PHOTO ALBUM.
ALICE MADE THIS?
MM-HM.
[sighs]
OH, MY GOD.
"HELLO,
"I JUST CRAPPED MY PANTS."
[laughs]
LOOK AT MOM.
YEAH, SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.
YEAH.
[clears throat]
OKAY, TIME'S UP.
OKAY, YOU WANT ME
TO HANG ON TO THAT FOR YOU?
NO, I THINK
I'LL JUST KIND OF...
HANG ON TO IT
FOR A SECOND.
OKAY.
[sports on television]
AH.
I MADE YOU A MARVELOUS LUNCH
FOR TOMORROW.
IT'S IN THE ICEBOX.
THANKS.
WHERE ARE THE KIDS NOW?
WELL, KATE'S ON THE COMPUTER.
PROBABLY LOOKING
AT THAT HOT TOPIC PORNOGRAPHY.
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU ALLOW IT.
IT'S HARDLY MY PLACE TO SAY.
AND MARSHALL'S WORKING ON HIS
WINTER OF DISCONTENT PROJECT.
THAT WAS ONE OF
MY FAVORITE BOOKS AT RADCLIFFE.
YOU DIDN'T GO TO RADCLIFFE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I WAS JUST GOING TO PRESS
THESE OLD DUNGAREES.
UH, DON'T PUT CREASES
IN MY JEANS.
OKAY?
WHY DID YOU FEEL THE NEED
TO SANITIZE
MY KID'S MOUTH, ANYWAY?
SHE WAS USING
SOME VERY UNBECOMING LANGUAGE.
WELL, SHE'S ALWAYS BEEN
OUTSPOKEN,
THAT'S WHY WE LOVE HER.
SO MAYBE FROM NOW ON,
LET ME DOLE OUT
THE PUNISHMENT, OKAY?
I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP.
YEAH, I KNOW YOU ARE.
[poignant music]
* *
[groans]
[clears throat]
MM.
[sighs]
[moaning sigh]
[sighs]
COME ON.
DON'T YOU
WANT TO MAKE A BABY?
NO.
AND NEITHER DOES TARA,
SHE'S GOT AN I.U.D.
THOSE THINGS ARE KNOWN
TO FAIL, YOU KNOW.
THEY'RE AN UNNATURAL DEVICE.
SATAN'S TREE.
HEY.
SO THAT'S THAT THEN.
THAT'S THAT THEN.
YOU'RE ABANDONING ME.
YOU KNOW,
SOMETHING TELLS ME
YOU CAN TAKE CARE
OF YOURSELF.
WHAT?
NOTHING.
JUST LOOKING FOR SOMEONE.
[Chairlift's Garbage]
* *
* ALL THE GARBAGE *
* THAT YOU HAVE THROWN AWAY *
* IS WAITING SOMEWHERE *
* A MILLION MILES AWAY *
* YOUR CONDOMS AND YOUR VCR *
* YOUR ZIPLOC BAGS
IN YOUR FATHER'S CAR *
* DARK AND SILENT *
* IT WAITS FOR YOU AHEAD *
* *
PREVIOUSLY ON
THE UNITED STATES OF TARA...
SO WHAT'S THE DEAL, T?
WHY ARE YOU HERE INSTEAD OF MOM?
REMEMBER THOSE KILL PILLS
I HELPED YOU GET
AT THE FREE CLINIC?
YOUR MOM FOUND THE EVIDENCE,
AND SHE'S TWEAKING.
(Tara)
IT'S A PRESCRIPTION
FOR MORNING AFTER PILLS.
YOU KNOW THAT BAD SURPRISES
ARE A TRIGGER FOR HER.
OH, I'M SORRY.
I GUESS I SHOULD'VE LET
THAT FERTILIZED EGG
IMPLANT ITSELF IN MY UTERUS.
KATE!
I DID NOT RAISE YOU
TO LET BOYS
WHO WEAR PIGTAILS
PUSH YOU AROUND.
THESE ARE SAMURAI KNOTS.
MOM!
THIS IS YOUR WIFE'S BODY.
JUST 'CAUSE I'M NOT HER,
DOESN'T MEAN
WE CAN'T HOOK UP.
OKAY, WE MADE OUT
A LITTLE BIT.
I CAN'T HELP IT--WHAT THE FUCK
AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU.
THEY'RE REALLY LUCKY.
WE'RE LUCKY, MOM.
I MEAN, BECAUSE OF YOU,
WE GET
TO BE INTERESTING.
(Charmaine)
IT IS REALLY HARD FOR ME
TO SEE MY SISTER LIKE THAT.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT
EVEN A REAL DISEASE, MAX.
IT'S REAL, CHARMI.
SO YOUR MOM ACTUALLY
GOES AROUND
ACTING LIKE
SHE'S A TEENAGER?
SHE'S NOT ALWAYS T.
[Southern accent]
IF YOU EVER TOUCH KATIE AGAIN,
I WILL RIP OFF YOUR BALLS
AND SHOVE THEM DOWN--
OW, MRS. GRAYSON.
STOP IT!
I CAN'T EVEN HIT YOU BACK!
WHAT'S THIS MRS. GRAYSON
BULLSHIT?
I AM BUCK, AND
I WILL FUCK YOU SIDEWAYS.
WAIT--YOU'RE WHO?
OH!
COME ON.
[contemplative music]
* *
* OPEN UP THE SKY *
* THIS MESS IS GETTING HIGH *
* IT'S WINDY,
AND OUR FAMILY NEEDS A RIDE *
* *
* I KNOW WE'LL BE JUST FINE *
* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE
THE RIDE *
* *
* I KNOW WE'LL BE FINE *
* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE
THE RIDE *
* *
* I KNOW WE'LL BE
JUST FINE *
* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE *
* THE RIDE *
I JUST REALLY RESENT
PICKING UP AFTER THEM.
(Tara)
I MEAN, NOT THE KIDS.
THE ALTERS.
THE MESSES THEY MAKE
CAN BE...
[scoffs]
ASTOUNDING.
I MEAN, HAVING MULTIPLE
PERSONALITIES IS LIKE...
HOSTING A KEGGER
IN YOUR BRAIN.
ONLY YOU'RE PASSED OUT COLD,
WHILE EVERYONE ELSE
IS JUST TRASHING THE JOINT.
[sighs]
THIS FAMILY MEETING
IS CALLED TO ORDER.
I LIKE
TO CALL THEM SUMMITS.
SOUNDS MORE GLOBAL,
ALMOST SWISS.
OKAY, SO, UH,
FRIDAY AFTERNOON,
I BELIEVE T WAS
IN HERE, RIGHT?
[snorts]
THAT WAS
DEFINITELY T-TIME.
IN WHICH CASE,
WE NEED TO TALK
ABOUT SOME MYSTERIOUS CHARGES
ON MY CREDIT CARD.
HM.
WHAT?
OR I COULD LOOK UP
THE STATEMENT
AND SEE WHAT T
AND HER "FRIEND"
SPENT MY MONEY ON.
[sighs]
OKAY, SO I GOT
SOME SKANK SHIRTS
AT THAT DEAD MALL
IN GRANDVIEW.
BUT I DIDN'T
TAKE OFF THE TAGS,
SO I'LL RETURN THEM,
OKAY?
AND I GOT A KNOCK-OFF
CHINESE GUCCI ASS-PACK.
AND SOME CIGARETTES.
WHICH I DID NOT SMOKE
BECAUSE T GETS MENTHOLS,
AND I THINK THOSE
MAKE YOUR LUNGS BLEED.
AND I ALSO THINK
THEY'RE RACIST.
WOW.
I NEED MY OWN MONEY.
OKAY, SO THEN I CAME BACK,
AND THEN I WAS BUCK.
THEN I KICKED SOME ASS.
(Max)
OH, YEAH...
WELL, TECHNICALLY
BUTT-KICKED SOME ASS.
GREAT.
I HELPED.
HIGH FIVE.
OKAY, THAT'S REALLY GOOD,
WE CAN DISCUSS THIS AS A FAMILY.
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE WEIRD.
IT'S WEIRD.
[sighs]
SO I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS
WENT BOWLING WITHOUT ME.
AH, WE ONLY WENT THERE
'CAUSE BUCK HAS A THING
FOR THAT HILLBILLY WAITRESS
AT THE SNACK BAR.
HE WON HER A STUFFED TAZ
AT THE ARCADE GAME.
THEN SHE LICKED HIS FACE.
UGH.
LOOK, WE KNEW WHEN YOU
WENT OFF THE MEDS,
THE WHOLE GANG
WOULD RESURFACE.
YEAH, MULTIPLE PERSONALITY
REUNION TOUR.
YEAH,
THEY'RE LIKE GENESIS, MAN.
WE ALWAYS KNEW
THAT STAGE WOULD COME BACK.
ANYWAY, I CAN'T--WE CAN'T
BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU NEED THEM,
UNLESS WE LET THEM
SHOW THEMSELVES.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
LOOK AT YOUR POOR EYE.
AT LEAST IT'S
NOT ALL PURPLE ANYMORE.
IT'S KIND OF
A FUNKY '70s YELLOW NOW.
OW.
THAT HURT!
OOH, SORRY.
YOU'RE LAUGHING!
MM.
[knocks]
[soft classical music plays]
WHAT'S THIS?
PANDORA'S BOX.
G.W. PABST.
1929.
IT'S A MASTERPIECE.
I COULD SCREEN IT
IN THE LIVING ROOM THIS WEEKEND.
SOUNDS GREAT.
WE COULD SUBJECT
THE WHOLE FAMILY.
LOUISE BROOKES IS
ABOUT TO BE MURDERED.
HER SEXUAL INDISCRETIONS
WILL NOT GO UNPUNISHED.
HONEY?
IS THERE ANYTHING
YOU WANT TO TELL ME?
DID HE CALL?
DID WHO CALL ME?
HE DIDN'T?
WHO?
I'M GOING TO BE UP-FRONT
WITH YOU.
I'VE BEEN HAVING
SOME DIFFERENCES OF OPINION
WITH MY ENGLISH TEACHER.
ALL RIGHT, SO CAN ANYONE
TELL ME THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF ETHAN'S WALKING STICK
IN THIS CHAPTER?
YEAH, MADISON.
UM...
I THINK THAT ETHAN
NEEDS SOMETHING TO LEAN ON.
AH...
[chuckles]
ALL RIGHT,
THAT'S ONE WAY TO LOOK AT IT.
YEAH.
ACTUALLY,
IT'S BLATANTLY EROTIC.
THE WALKING STICK
REPRESENTS ETHAN'S ERECTION.
[snickering]
THAT'S INAPPROPRIATE,
MARSHALL.
[more snickering]
EXCUSE ME,
MR. GERSHENOFF.
I'M NOT AN EXPERT
OR ANYTHING,
BUT I THINK
I KNOW MY LITERARY BONERS.
[laughter]
SHH.
WELL, DO YOU WANT ME
TO TALK TO HIM?
I'D BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO.
NO, I CAN HANDLE IT.
THE LAST THING YOU NEED
IS TO WORRY
ABOUT MY STUPID SCHOOL
STUFF.
(Kate)
FUCK ME.
[groans]
GOD DAMN IT.
PIECE OF SHIT.
NICE.
FUCK!
UGH!
MOM, THIS BOOT
HAS COME FROM HELL.
JUST CAME
FROM THE TOWN OF HELL
TO MAKE MY LIFE MISERABLE.
THANK YOU.
JEEZ.
HEY, SO
I WAS THINKING ABOUT
HOW YOU TOOK CARE
OF STUFF.
WITH THAT PRESCRIPTION,
WHEN I WASN'T AROUND.
AND THAT I'M REALLY PROUD
OF YOU.
BUT WHAT?
LIKE WHY DIDN'T I USE A CONDOM
OR SOMETHING?
ACTUALLY, I THINK
I KNOW WHY PEOPLE
DON'T ALWAYS USE CONDOMS.
SEX CAN BE BIZARRE
WHEN YOU FIRST START DOING IT.
I MEAN...NAKED PEOPLE,
WEIRD BODY PARTS--
IT'S AWKWARD AS HELL.
AND NO ONE KNOWS
HOW TO ACT.
SO I JUST WANT YOU
TO KNOW I'VE BEEN THERE.
AND WE CAN TALK.
OKAY, THANKS.
[sighs]
[playing music on iPod]
THERE'S JUST--THERE'S
A LOT OF MISINFORMATION
FLOATING AROUND,
YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, FOR INSTANCE,
ANAL SEX IS SEX.
SEE?
I JUST SAID, "ANAL SEX."
I'M PRETTY COOL.
WHAT?
IT'S NOTHING, MOM.
IT'S JUST SOMETIMES,
YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE
I'M LIVING IN SOME SORT
OF LIFETIME LADY TAMPON MOVIE.
WHAT'S A LIFETIME LADY
TAMPON MOVIE?
FORGET IT, MAX.
CONVERSATION'S OVER.
DAD, I HATE IT
WHEN SHE JUST SWOOPS IN HERE,
AND ACTS LIKE
WE CAN JUST TALK ABOUT ANYTHING.
OH, WELL.
SHE'S YOUR MOTHER,
AND SHE CARES,
SO YOU GOT TO LOVE HER.
YOU HAVE TO, MAYBE.
YOU MARRIED HER.
AND YOU CHOSE THAT.
BUT FOR ME,
IT'S JUST DRAMA AND WEIRDNESS.
SO.
BYE.
OOH...
ONE DAY SHE'LL GROW UP
AND BE A PERSON,
I PROMISE.
SHE'LL GROW UP,
SHE'LL HAVE KIDS OF HER OWN,
AND BE YOUR ADULT DAUGHTER.
NOT THIS EVIL
FUCKING BRATZ DOLL.
I JUST HOPE WE'RE NOT...
HEY, THERE'S NOT A KID
IN THE WORLD
THAT WANTS TO TALK
TO THEIR MOTHER ABOUT SEX.
SHE'S FINE.
FROM YOUR LIPS.
AND TOMORROW,
I'M GOING TO TALK
TO MARSHY'S TEACHER.
WE'RE GOING TO GET
THAT STRAIGHTENED OUT AS WELL.
WHY, I THOUGHT
HE DIDN'T WANT US TO--
UM, MOM...
YOU SEE...
THE THING IS...
MR. GERSHENOFF
IS KIND OF A BEAR.
AND PEOPLE ARE
STILL TALKING ABOUT--
HEY, WE JUST THOUGHT
A MAN-TO-MAN THING
MIGHT BE THE WAY
TO PLAY THIS GUY.
BUT IF YOU WANT TO COME,
WE'LL GO TOGETHER.
YEAH, I MEAN
IF YOU WANT TO GO.
YEAH, YEAH.
NO, NO, YOU GUYS
ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
IT'S EXACTLY THE RIGHT WAY
TO PLAY IT.
WHY DO YOU CARE
IF MARSHALL DOESN'T WANT YOU
TO TALK TO HIS TEACHERS?
IT'S LIKE THEY
DON'T EVEN WANT ME AROUND
WHEN I'M ME.
OH, PLEASE.
IT'S ALL YOU.
PLUS, HE WET THE BED.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
LIKE HE PEED THE BED?
LIKE,
BABY GOO-GOO-GA-GA?
OR WET THE BED,
LIKE A BIG BOY.
HE URINATED IN BED,
CHARMAINE.
HE USED TO DO IT
ALL THE TIME WHEN HE WAS A KID,
BUT HE HASN'T DONE IT
SINCE HE WAS, LIKE, 11.
AND KATE...
I DON'T KNOW
WHO SHE'S BECOMING.
[sighs]
MAYBE THE KIDS
ARE RESPONDING TO TRAUMA.
WHAT TRAUMA?
YOU KNOW,
YOUR SCHIZOPHRENIA...
SITUATION.
[scoffs]
OKAY, LET ME EXPLAIN.
AGAIN.
SCHIZOPHRENIA IS
WHEN YOU HEAR VOICES,
LIKE THE RADIO PEOPLE.
I DON'T HAVE THAT.
I DON'T HEAR VOICES.
RIGHT, YOU DO
THE WHOLE CHARACTER.
I WANT TO GET SOMETHING
FOR KATE.
MAYBE I SHOULD GET HER
ONE OF THOSE.
SHE CAN WEAR IT
WHILE HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX.
SPICE THINGS UP A BIT.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED?
IT BETTER NOT BE VITAMINS.
NO, THESE ARE NOT
JUST VITAMINS.
OKAY, THIS IS A PRODUCT
I HAPPEN TO BELIEVE IN.
OTHERWISE, I WOULDN'T BE
A LEVEL TWO SALES REP.
THIS IS VITA-SELF'S
MOOD-BOOSTER REMIX.
OKAY, IT'S
A LITTLE DRINK YOU DO
ONCE IN THE MORNING,
TWICE IN THE EVENING,
WITH LIKE A SALTWATER FLUSH.
YOU KNOW.
SOUNDS GREAT.
BUT I'D JUST RATHER NOT...
FLUSH.
SORRY.
BUY SOME,
AND HELP ME OUT A LITTLE.
HELP OUT YOUR COLON.
HEY, LET'S GO
TO MACAW ISLAND THIS WEEKEND.
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
COME ON, MAN, THE BEACH BOYS
ARE PLAYING
WITHOUT ANY
OF THE ACTUAL BEACH BOYS.
IF I WANT TO WITNESS
A SAD DECLINE,
I'LL JUST TAKE A LOOK
AT MY OWN LIFE.
THANK YOU.
IT'S BEEN TOO LONG SINCE WE DID
ANY INTENSE MANLY STUFF.
YOU KNOW?
ALL WE DO NOW
IS SHOVEL DIRT
AND NURSE TREES AND SHIT.
WE'RE LANDSCAPERS, ASSHOLE.
YEAH,
WE 'SCAPE THE LAND,
BUT I MEAN,
WE CAN'T LET THAT DEFINE US.
I MEAN, LOOK--WE USED
TO WORK THE LAND IN OUR 20s,
BUT MAN, WE DID IT DRUNK.
JUST GO TO MACAW ISLAND,
AND SPEND SOME MONEY.
GET SOME OF THOSE LITTLE,
YOU KNOW, BAYOU BREEZER DRINKS.
MAYBE.
THAT SOUNDS GOOD, ACTUALLY.
YOU GOING TO DO
ANY WORK HERE, OR WHAT?
I'M MESMERIZED
BY YOUR ASS.
THESE ARE BORING.
THESE'LL LOOK
ALL RIGHT ON YOU.
HEY, TARA.
HI.
OH, HI!
OH, WOW.
SO YOU'RE--
YOU'RE OUT AND ABOUT, HUH?
HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD.
YEAH, GOOD.
HOW ARE YOU GUYS?
I'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT YOU.
OH, MY GOD.
I COMPLETELY FORGOT.
I WAS GOING TO MAKE
A CAKE FOR THE BAKE SALE.
I'M SORRY.
FOR THE CLEFT PALATE KIDS
IN BRAZIL.
NO, NOT THAT.
I DIDN'T EVEN REALLY COUNT
ON IT.
I MEAN, YOU JUST HAVE
SO MUCH ON YOUR PLATE,
WHAT WITH THAT BROUHAHA
WITH KATIE'S BOYFRIEND.
HE'S NOT
HER BOYFRIEND.
HOOKUP.
WHATEVER.
ALL RIGHT, THAT BENJAMIN
IS AN ABUSIVE LITTLE SHIT,
WHO DISRESPECTS YOUNG LADIES,
WHILE WEARING EYELINER.
WE GOTTA GO.
IT'S GOOD
TO SEE YOU, TARA.
GET SOME REST,
TARA.
JESUS, TARA, YOU JUST
STAND THERE AND TAKE IT.
YEAH, I KNOW--
I CAN'T--
I MEAN, I FEEL
LIKE WE'RE TEN AGAIN.
OKAY, OKAY, O--
TARA?
[light, airy voice]
WHAT A MARVELOUS SHADE.
OH, FUCK.
DON'T LET GERSHENOFF
INTIMIDATE YOU.
I MEAN, THE MAN HAS A B.A.
FROM A STATE SCHOOL.
I GUESS.
BESIDES, LIKE,
WHAT CAN HE DO?
LIKE, RUN CRYING
TO PRINCIPAL FRANKEL
JUST BECAUSE YOU POINTED OUT
SOME SEX IN A NOVEL?
UGH, I CAN'T STAND
THESE CONSERVATIVE BED WETTERS.
WHAT'S WRONG?
NOTHING.
I APPRECIATE YOUR CONCERN,
PETULA.
WELL, YOU KNOW
HOW MUCH I CARE.
YEAH.
HEY, I GOT TO HIT
THAT PARENT-TEACHER CONFERENCE,
SO KEEP AN EYE OUT ON THINGS
WHILE I'M GONE, OKAY?
HEY, WHAT IF
ONE OF THESE GUYS
ASKS ME A QUESTION, MAN?
I DON'T SPEAK SPANISH.
[car door closes]
WHAT IF THE, UH--
WHAT IF THE OWNERS COME HOME?
OR WHAT IF I START DOING
A BUNCH OF EXTRA WORK
THAT ISN'T IN YOUR BID?
AH, YOU WERE GOING TO DO
A BUNCH OF EXTRA WORK?
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M--I'M LOOKING OUT FOR YOU.
OKAY?
I THINK IT'S UNFAIR YOU GOT
TO DO ALL THE WORK.
CAN'T TARA DO SOME OF IT?
LATER.
GOD, YOU'RE SO CODEPENDENT.
[car starts]
IT'S CALLED LOVE, BRO.
CALLED LOVE.
YEAH, OKAY.
IT'S NOT BAD.
[sighs]
IT'S WHO YOU ARE, MAXWELL.
THANK JESUS TOO,
MAN, I'M ALWAYS LATE.
USUALLY STONED.
[dainty music]
* *
I KNOW,
I WAS REALLY IMPRESSED.
HELLO, LAURIE, BETH.
I'M ALICE.
RIGHT, ALICE.
I BROUGHT MY CAKE.
WOW.
THAT IS...ELABORATE.
I'M SURE YOU'LL FIGURE OUT
WHERE TO PUT IT.
YOU COULD MOVE WHATEVER
THAT IS.
WELL, I'M SORRY IF MARSHALL
FEELS THAT WAY.
IT'S CERTAINLY NOT PERSONAL
ON MY END.
THERE'S A CURRICULUM
THAT I HAVE TO FOLLOW.
WE'RE--WE'RE NOT
IN VERMONT.
YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT.
YEAH.
I-I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU...
HAVE AN ODD FAMILY SITUATION,
MR. GREGSON.
BUT IN MY CLASSROOM,
THAT MAKES MARSHALL
NEITHER MORE INTERESTING,
NOR MORE SUPERIOR.
ALTHOUGH HE SEEMS TO THINK
IT DOES.
(Max)
WELL, WE'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE
TO AGREE TO DISAGREE,
BECAUSE TO ME, THAT SOUNDS
PRETTY FUCKING PERSONAL.
KNOCK, KNOCK.
ROOM FOR ONE MORE?
UM...
[clears throat]
UM, I'M OKAY.
I GOT THIS COVERED.
WELL, I WON'T BE
BUT A MINUTE.
I CAME BY TO DROP OFF
SOME TREATS FOR THE BAKE SALE,
AND FIGURED
WHILE I WAS HERE,
I'D POP IN AND MEET
MY BOY'S TEACHER.
MR. GERSHENOFF,
IT IS SUCH A PLEASURE.
THANK YOU.
[giggles]
WE'RE SO VERY WORRIED
ABOUT OUR MARSHALL.
SHOULD WE BE CONCERNED?
UH, MARSHALL'S
A UNIQUE CHALLENGE.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR CHALLENGES?
I'M SORRY?
OH, MR. GERSHENOFF,
I FEEL SO FORMAL.
MAY I CALL YOU
BY YOUR FIRST NAME?
WHAT IS YOUR FIRST NAME?
OREL.
MR. GERSHENOFF, WE ALL KNOW
WHAT THIS IS REALLY ABOUT.
BEING DIFFERENT.
AND YOU, OUT OF ANYONE,
MUST UNDERSTAND.
POOR LITTLE OREL GERSHENOFF,
SITTING IN THE BACK
OF THE CLASS,
WITH HIS FUNNY HAIR,
AND HIS FUNNY NAME,
DAYDREAMING ABOUT SPORTS
HE'D NEVER PLAY,
AND GIRLS HE'D NEVER TOUCH,
YOU KNOW, PANDERING
TO THE FOOTBALL CAPTAINS
AND PROM QUEENS OF TODAY
WON'T TAKE AWAY THE PAIN
OF YESTERDAY.
THEY CAN'T APPRECIATE YOU NOW
ANY MORE THAN THEY DID
BACK THEN.
AND TAKING IT OUT
ON THE WEIRD KID....
WON'T HELP THAT WEIRD KID
IN THERE.
IT'S TIME
TO START LOVING OREL.
I NEVER MEANT
TO SINGLE MARSHALL OUT.
[clears throat]
UM...
I--I'VE ASSIGNED
SOME EXTRA CREDIT.
SO IF HE COMPLETES IT,
HE CAN KEEP HIS AVERAGE UP.
SUCH A PLEASURE
TO MEET YOU, OREL.
HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY.
[laughing]
OH, MY GOD.
YOU SAVED MY LIFE.
OH, PIFFLE.
IT WAS AMAZING.
"OH, NO
YOU DIDN'T, ALICE."
IT WAS A TOUR DE FORCE.
OH, THE FRENCH LANGUAGE
IS SO EXPRESSIVE.
DON'T YOU THINK, KATE?
CAN I HAVE WINE
WITH MY MEAL?
NO.
WHEN SOMEONE
ASKS YOU A QUESTION,
IT'S CUSTOMARY
TO LIFT YOUR GAZE
TO MEET THEIRS,
AND RESPOND IN KIND.
WHEN'S MOM COMING BACK?
OH, TARA'S NOT EQUIPPED
TO MANAGE THIS FAMILY
AT THE MOMENT.
NOW WE'VE ALL COME
TO A CONSENSUS,
AND I THINK YOU
NEED ME RIGHT NOW.
[scoffs]
THAT'S ENOUGH
WITH YOUR GADGET.
[phone ringing]
YOU CAN COMMUNICATE
WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND LATER.
UH, JUST ONE GLASS?
NO.
OH, FOR GOODNESS.
[laughing]
ALICE, I DON'T HAVE
A BOYFRIEND ANYMORE,
BECAUSE MY MOM
TURNED INTO A MAN,
CAME TO SCHOOL,
AND GIMP-SLAPPED HIM,
[Max sighs]
WHILE EVERYONE
I'VE EVER MET WATCHED.
WELL, HE HAD BAD GENES.
YOUR CHILDREN
WOULD'VE BEEN UGLY AND STUPID.
(Max)
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
JUST NEED SOME AIR.
MM. THE FEAST IS HERE.
CHICKEN, PLEASE.
(waitress)
HERE YOU ARE.
THANK YOU.
BE BACK IN A MOMENT,
SWEETHEART.
[door opening]
WHAT IS IT?
JUST HAVING A WEIRD DAY.
WELL, SNAP YOURSELF
OUT OF IT.
WE'RE HERE
TO HAVE A NICE DINNER.
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE
A NICE DINNER.
KATE, I KNOW YOU
AREN'T FOND OF ME.
BUT I'M CONCERNED
ABOUT YOUR DEVELOPMENT
AS A YOUNG WOMAN.
YOU'RE PROMISCUOUS.
YOU AREN'T GUARDING
YOUR FLOWER.
WHAT DO YOU WANT, ALICE?
I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW
THAT EVEN THOUGH
I DEEPLY DISAPPROVE
OF THE WAY
YOU CARRY YOURSELF,
YOUR MOTHER
LOVES YOU VERY MUCH.
YEAH?
YES.
SHE WANTS YOU TO KNOW
SHE DIDN'T MEAN TO OVERREACT
ABOUT THOSE PILLS
YOU BROUGHT HOME.
SHE JUST DOESN'T WANT YOU
BEING...
INTIMATE,
AT YOUR AGE.
BECAUSE SHE HAD YOU
AT 19,
AND THAT WAS
QUITE A HARDSHIP.
I'M NOT A HARDSHIP.
I'M AWESOME.
YOU'RE A GRACELESS INGRATE.
[scoffs]
YOU MEAN A SLUT?
A GIRL WHO LIKES BOYS?
WHO LETS BOYS KNOW
SHE LIKES THEM?
A GIRL WHO ORGASMS?
AND MOANS, AND MOANS,
AND SCREAMS IN ECSTASY?
A GIRL WHO SUCKS AND FUCKS?
A GIRL WITH ABSOLUTELY
NO BACK-DOOR SHYNESS.
THAT'S IT.
I'M GOING TO WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT
WITH SOAP.
[laughing]
YOU HAVE GOT
TO BE KIDDING ME.
TRY ME.
[muffled screams]
WHAT I'M SAYING ABOUT--
[muffled screams]
HEY!
ARE YOU INSANE?
WHAT THE FUCK?
DAD!
[sighs]
YOU OKAY?
[sigh]
[crying]
KATE?
THIS IS
FUCKING BULLSHIT.
OH, GOD,
I WANT OUT.
HOW?
ARE YOU HIRING?
ALWAYS.
I'D LIKE TO FILL OUT
AN APPLICATION.
WHY DO YOU WANT
TO WORK HERE?
I LIVE TO SERVE PEOPLE.
[knocking]
I FOUND A COFFEE STIRRER,
IF YOU NEED
A LITTLE WALKING STICK.
COOL, THANKS.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO TUCK YOU IN?
UM...
I'M 14, ALICE.
I THINK I CAN HANDLE IT.
I KNOW YOU TEE-TEED
IN YOUR BED.
YOU KNOW, LACK OF CONTROL
IS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.
LOTS OF DEBONAIR MEN
THROUGHOUT HISTORY
HAVE HAD THEIR PECCADILLOES.
FOR INSTANCE, CARY GRANT LIKED
TO WEAR WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
I MEAN, I HAVEN'T HAD
AN ACCIDENT IN YEARS.
IT'S WEIRD.
OH!
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT,
SWEETIE.
NO.
YOU KNOW SOMEDAY,
IF EVERYTHING GOES
THE WAY I'M HOPING,
I'LL BE HERE ALL THE TIME.
WON'T THAT BE FUN?
[knocking]
KNOCKING.
DON'T COME IN.
COME ON,
GIVE ME TWO MINUTES.
THREE MINUTES, TOPS.
WHAT IS THAT, WAX?
90 SECONDS.
OKAY.
I'M SORRY ABOUT ALICE.
WASHING YOUR MOUTH OUT
WITH SOAP,
I MEAN, THAT'S CRAZY.
IT'S KIND OF FUNNY
THOUGH, RIGHT?
IT'S ABOUT AS FUNNY
AS AN IRREGULAR MOLE.
YEAH.
YEAH.
MARSH TOLD ME
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED.
AND IT'S UNFAIR.
I'M SORRY, HONEY.
[breathes heavily]
[sniffles]
WHAT'S THAT?
REMEMBER ALL THOSE PHOTOS
YOU USED TO KEEP IN A SHOEBOX?
ALICE ORGANIZED THEM ALL
EARLIER TODAY,
AND MADE EVERYBODY
A PHOTO ALBUM.
ALICE MADE THIS?
MM-HM.
[sighs]
OH, MY GOD.
"HELLO,
"I JUST CRAPPED MY PANTS."
[laughs]
LOOK AT MOM.
YEAH, SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.
YEAH.
[clears throat]
OKAY, TIME'S UP.
OKAY, YOU WANT ME
TO HANG ON TO THAT FOR YOU?
NO, I THINK
I'LL JUST KIND OF...
HANG ON TO IT
FOR A SECOND.
OKAY.
[sports on television]
AH.
I MADE YOU A MARVELOUS LUNCH
FOR TOMORROW.
IT'S IN THE ICEBOX.
THANKS.
WHERE ARE THE KIDS NOW?
WELL, KATE'S ON THE COMPUTER.
PROBABLY LOOKING
AT THAT HOT TOPIC PORNOGRAPHY.
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU ALLOW IT.
IT'S HARDLY MY PLACE TO SAY.
AND MARSHALL'S WORKING ON HIS
WINTER OF DISCONTENT PROJECT.
THAT WAS ONE OF
MY FAVORITE BOOKS AT RADCLIFFE.
YOU DIDN'T GO TO RADCLIFFE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I WAS JUST GOING TO PRESS
THESE OLD DUNGAREES.
UH, DON'T PUT CREASES
IN MY JEANS.
OKAY?
WHY DID YOU FEEL THE NEED
TO SANITIZE
MY KID'S MOUTH, ANYWAY?
SHE WAS USING
SOME VERY UNBECOMING LANGUAGE.
WELL, SHE'S ALWAYS BEEN
OUTSPOKEN,
THAT'S WHY WE LOVE HER.
SO MAYBE FROM NOW ON,
LET ME DOLE OUT
THE PUNISHMENT, OKAY?
I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP.
YEAH, I KNOW YOU ARE.
[poignant music]
* *
[groans]
[clears throat]
MM.
[sighs]
[moaning sigh]
[sighs]
COME ON.
DON'T YOU
WANT TO MAKE A BABY?
NO.
AND NEITHER DOES TARA,
SHE'S GOT AN I.U.D.
THOSE THINGS ARE KNOWN
TO FAIL, YOU KNOW.
THEY'RE AN UNNATURAL DEVICE.
SATAN'S TREE.
HEY.
SO THAT'S THAT THEN.
THAT'S THAT THEN.
YOU'RE ABANDONING ME.
YOU KNOW,
SOMETHING TELLS ME
YOU CAN TAKE CARE
OF YOURSELF.
WHAT?
NOTHING.
JUST LOOKING FOR SOMEONE.
[Chairlift's Garbage]
* *
* ALL THE GARBAGE *
* THAT YOU HAVE THROWN AWAY *
* IS WAITING SOMEWHERE *
* A MILLION MILES AWAY *
* YOUR CONDOMS AND YOUR VCR *
* YOUR ZIPLOC BAGS
IN YOUR FATHER'S CAR *
* DARK AND SILENT *
* IT WAITS FOR YOU AHEAD *
* *