United States of Al (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - Christmas/Krismis - full transcript

Hmm. I have never decorated
a Christmas tree before.

Do each of these ornaments
have a special meaning?

Yeah, they're all free.

That one I got for opening
a savings account.

That one I got for eating
a 40-ounce rib eye.

That racy one I got in Vegas.

Don't turn it upside down
if there's kids in the room.


And where did the tradition
of bringing a tree

into the house come from?

Oh, it goes way, way back.

Yeah. My parents did it,
their parents did it.

Uh, but who did it originally?



Merry Christmas, everyone.

Hey, Sunshine.

Oh, sorry. Happy holidays, Al.

Oh, you can say
Merry Christmas to me.

Are you sure?

I am sure.

I am the expert
in what you can say to me.

Is this a little muffler?

Yeah, I got that
with an oil change.

Oh, hey, can I talk to you
for a minute?


That's a big gift discussion
happening right now.

Someone's getting a PS5.


What's up?Hey, so,

keep an open mind,
but would you be okay

if I took Hazel
on Christmas Day?

Oh, that's easy. No.

Look, it would just be
for a few hours.

Freddy's parents really
want to do

something special together.

Oh, Freddy's parents
want to see her?

Why didn't you just tell me?

Of course I'll give up my child
on Christmas

so your boyfriend's parents
can see her.

You could just say no.

That's what I led with.

Not assuming anything,

but Game-Zone offers
military discounts.

They're open till 9:00.

♪ Oh!

Hey, Riley. What you drinking?

Ginger ale? Glass of milk?

Ha, ha.

So, how you doing?

Eh, so-so.

Gave my number to this guy
a couple weeks ago.

Thought we had a moment.

Thinking about spitting
in his beer.

Well, he sounds like a jerk,
a handsome jerk.

Look, I was gonna call.

Things in my life
are kind of messy,

I figured you wouldn't
want to deal with it.

I can deal with a lot.

Back in the Navy,
I was the one who had to tell

200 angry sailors
when we were out of corn bread.

This is Holly.

Hi, Holly, it's Riley.

I was wondering
if I could buy you dinner?

Riley who?

Hassina, tell me what
this makes you think of.

That's the song all
the ice cream men play in Kabul.

Get this, it is a Christmas song
here, so it is always playing.

Are you craving
ice cream all the time?

All the time.

Luckily, they sell ice cream
in every store.

Even hardware stores have it.

Oh. Where have you been?


It's 9:00 a.m.

Good date.

Oh, Hassina.

Salaam. How are you?

Not as good as you.
Look at that smile.

Yeah, I went on a date
with Holly.

Holly the alcohol seller?


Bro, she's got a Harley.

We rode all over the city.

I've never sat in back before.

I thought it would be

but it gave me more time
to look around.

I'm happy for you, Riley.

Don't forget to invite me
to your wedding.

Okay, bye, Hassina.

Oh, my gosh, dude,
we had so much fun.

She's got throwing knives.

Throwing knives.

And we were naked.

That's not necessary
for the story,

I'm just painting a picture.

So, uh, what about Vanessa?

All you've been talking about
is trying to get her back.

Maybe I'm wasting my time.

I did everything
she asked me to do.

I got a therapist,
applied for disability.

What's it get me?

She's going to Freddy's parents'
for Christmas.

She might be testing you.

Who cares if she is?

Holly likes me the way I am now.

She likes me a lot.

In fact,

this morning she...

Do not paint a picture.

In the Christmas movies,

people come to your house
and sing at you.

Yeah, it's a seasonal form
of torture called caroling.

Will people be doing it here?

Not if Dad's sprinklers
still work.

They do.
Checked them this morning.

Hello?Hey, in here!

You're not supposed
to eat raw eggs,

but I've had half this bowl
and I feel fine.


Hello, Merry Christmas.

Hello, Lois.How are you?

Happy holidays, Al.

You're right, it happens a lot.

Merry Christmas, Lois.

What you got there?

It's your Christmas present.

I can put it under the tree

or you can open it right now
and wear it

to your Christmas party.

So I guess it's not
the socket wrenches I asked for.

Oh, holy moly.

It's so soft.

Al, feel this.

In Afghanistan, we
have the softest...

Oh, wow.

If you don't like it,
I can take it back.

You better not.

Ah, you look great.

He does, doesn't he?

It fits him so well.
Where'd you get it?

Brunello Cucinelli.

I never say this unless
I'm holding a gigantic fish,

but take my picture.

So, you let a naked woman
throw a knife at you?

Let her? Doc, I dared her.

You want to know what I think?

You just described my job.

I think the reason Vanessa
and I are always butting heads

is because she wasn't
in the service.

Holly's been deployed,
she gets me.

Like you.

So now I'm wondering,
if I had been with Holly

all this time,

would I be having
all these problems?

You know there's a difference
between the start

of a relationship
and the end of one.

Yeah, but I don't
have to explain

every little thing to her.

She's been through it.

Like, it's so hot
she's been to Okinawa.

So have I.

Don't wreck it.

So, what do we do when
I have a breakthrough?

Go out for beers?
Fire up stogies?

You had a date.
Let's not get carried away.


you can't talk about cigars
and not have one.

What do you want
for Christmas, Dad?

Just to spend time
with you, baby.

Great, crossing you off my list.

Hey, uh...

how would you feel
if I brought a friend

to Grampy's Christmas party?

A friend, huh?

Yes. A friend.

Is it a girlfriend?


Say it. Say "girlfriend."

I won't bring her
if it's weird for you.

No, you can bring her.

Mom has Freddy.
You can bring someone.

Thanks. I think you'll like her.

Mind if I bring my boyfriend?


Too easy.

Might not want to stand there.

Why not?


That sad little bush?

If you're under it
with another person,

you're supposed to kiss.

Ah, sort of like when the camera
turns on you

at a baseball game.

No, it's...

Actually, yeah.

Well, thank you for warning me.

We're here.Oh, hi.

Ho, ho, ho.Merry Christmas.

Glad you guys could make it.

We wouldn't miss it.

That is one nice sweater.

Thank you.
May I?

I insist.

Oh, yeah.


The craftsmanship
is extraordinary,

and I say that
as an experienced yarn worker.

Yep, Freddy made this one
for me. Isn't it great?

So colorful.

All I see are my mistakes.

There she is.

Hi, Dad.


This is my friend I
was telling you about.

Hi, Hazel. I'm Holly.

I like your Chucks.Oh, thanks.

I like your shoes.
Are they uncomfortable?

You have no idea.

Looks like it.
I'm gonna go do a lap.

She's cool.

Told you.

So, uh, who's that?

Who, Holly?

That's Holly.

And how do we know Holly?

She works at the VFW bar.

Yeah, she and Riley have been
hanging out for a week or so.


And he's bringing her
to Christmas?

Uh, let me check. Yes.

Here you go.

And one for you.

And you don't drink,
but everybody loves magic.


Is it weird for you
to see them do that?


'Cause it's weird for me
to watch you watch them.

What are those, Dad?

We ran out of pigs.
They're just getting blankets.

Hey, Art, where
would I find ice?

Oh, come on, Holly.
You're a guest. Enjoy the party.

Good sweater, Dad.

I know, right?

Ooh, looking good.

I'm gonna get, like,
seven more of these.

I don't think so.

Why not?

Does the name
"Brunello Cucinelli"

mean anything to you?

Was he in The Godfather?

He's a designer, and he makes
very expensive sweaters.

How expensive?

If the house catches fire,

save the sweater, then
come back for Riley.

I know what
you're thinking.

You didn't know my bedroom
was gonna be this sexy.

I'm wondering
whose ribbon rack you stole.

There is no way
you earned all that chest candy.

You still have no idea
how impressive I am.

Oh, you hide it well.

I'm bored.

Me, too.You are?

You want to shoot some hoops?Really?

As long as you're okay
with getting schooled.

In those shoes?
I don't think so.

Riley, some people are saying
they want to go caroling.


Just people.

With songs in their heart.

We don't want
to disappoint the people.

Hey, can I talk
to you for a minute?

Okay, I'll let everyone know
you're on board.

You're kidding, right? Bringing
some random girl to Christmas?

She's not random, and I don't
know what your problem is.

Uh, my problem is
that you're doing it

right in front of our daughter.

I talked to her about it.
She's cool.

Besides, you brought Freddy.

Great party, man.
Thanks for having us.

Thank you, Freddy.

I'm glad you both could make it.

You think it's a good idea
for me to do my magic trick?

No.It's just that Mrs. Foster is
going to early Mass, so...

No, Freddy.

Stop smiling.

I can't.

Al says you want
to go caroling?

I did not say that.

Okay, that makes more sense.

Where's your sweater?

I didn't want anyone
spilling anything on it.

Oh, come on. If you're not
gonna wear it for Christmas,

when are you
gonna wear it?I'll find a time.

You know, if you don't like
it, you can just tell me.

I love it. It's just, do you
know how much that thing costs?

Don't worry about it.

How can I not worry about it?

I drive three towns over
for the cheap gas.

If it's not your thing,
it's not your thing.

It's not. I mean,

what kind of person wears
a sweater that costs so much?

What if it shrinks in the dryer?
What happens if you get moths?

After you die,
does your family fight over it,

or do you bury yourself
in it like King Tut?

Are you done?

I'm not trying to offend you,
but come on.

Well, I am offended.

And you don't
put it in the dryer.


You know,
Riley's just doing this

to get a rise out of me.

Take it easy on the punch.

It's making you... talk.

This is his father's party,
and he's ruining it.

He's ruining
his father's party.

Does anyone feel like caroling?
I hear it's fun.

You know, not to mention,
he's using that poor girl.

I'm gonna go
set him straight.


Knock it off.
You're embarrassing me.

I'm just saying
what everyone's thinking.

Are you kidding?
You've been throwing a fit

since we got here 'cause,
what, your ex has a date?

Okay...I thought
you were here with me.

I am. Just sit down.

Thank your dad
for the nice party.


Maybe I will just
go caroling by myself.

What the hell is wrong
with everyone?

Vanessa, I love you,
but the only reason

you're angry is because
Riley's happy.

Leave him alone.

Uh, Mr. Art, you're not wearing
your beautiful sweater.

It's in my bedroom
under the Picasso.

Okay. Where's Lois?

I don't know.
Probably out buying me a yacht.

Salaam, Hassina Jaan.


How's the Christmas?

Oh, it is wonderful
and magical, and...

It is crazy.
Everyone is fighting.

So, it's not like
in the movies?

No, except for maybe
Die Hard.

So how long have you
and my dad been... friends?

We've been friends
for a couple of years,

and "friends" for about a week.

Oh. Hey!

We out here playing basketball
or Barbies?

Okay, I see you.

So, what's the plan
with you guys?

Man, you really drive
to the basket, don't you?

I'm just trying to figure out

whether it's worth
learning your last name.

Beat me to 11,
maybe I'll tell you.

Come on. Come on.



Your party's going great.

I mean, it's usually not the
host who leaves early, but...

I don't know
what to tell you.

I'm a simple guy.

With a lot of opinions.

It's just who I am,
and I'm too old to change.

I don't mind
that you have money.

Y-You obviously do.

But I earned it, and
I want to spend it

on things that make
me happy, which was you

until two hours ago.

So, what do we do?

Well, first, you
apologize for being rude.

I think I did that.You did not.


I am so sorry.

And you don't get to make me
feel bad for the choices I make.

So, you want me
to get my head around the fact

that you're rich
and sexy and generous?

I'll give it a shot.

You're very brave.

And next year,

I'll give you
those socket wrenches.

Next year? I like
the sound of that.

Want to stick around
for the after-party?

You gonna wear the sweater?

That's all I'm gonna wear.

Hey. What are you doing in here?

I drank too much.

Where's your girlfriend?

She went home.
Where's your boyfriend?

He went home.

Everyone's pissed at me.

What did I do?


you are half in the bag and were
rude to everyone at the party.

Kind of stole
my move there.

I put up with so much from you.

You were a mess for years,
and you cheated on me.

You refused to get help.

I'm so mad.

You're right.

I'm sorry. I really am,
and I'm working on it.

If you get better, and then
she gets you, how is that fair?

Where is that coming from?

I don't know.

Are you saying

you want
to give us another chance?

I don't know.

Oh, God.

I hate being the messy one.


what if you're
better with Freddy,

and I'm better
with someone else?

Can you just leave me alone?

I'll get you some water,
some coffee and a bucket.

Maybe not in that order.

♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa-la, la-la, la,
la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly

♪ Fa-la, la-la, la,
la, la, la, la ♪

Do you think they can hear us?♪ Don we now our...

Oh! Oh!


Go! Go!

And Merry Christmas,
you son of a...