United States of Al (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Mo/Masoud - full transcript

♪

Whose idea was it to watch
a Bollywood movie?

Al.

And who's not here?

Al.

Does anyone know what's going on
in this thing?

Yeah, didn't that guy
die half an hour ago?

Yeah, he did,
but he was reincarnated

as someone who looks like him.

Hey.
Where you been?

I was talking to my sister.



She okay?

She is very grateful
that we were able

to get her safe to Turkey.

But I think
she's feeling lonely.

Of course.
I wish there was
a way for her

to come here-- then at least
she could be with me.

Any chance of that?

The only way is for her
to marry an American.

She's a rock star.
I'll marry her.

It needs to be a man.

I'll do it.

You're still married.

Fine. I'll take one
for the team.

I need an Afghan American
who is single,



from a good family,
with an honorable job.

Does she even want
to get married?

I think she would be open to it
if I found her the right person.

She deserves the best.

Ideally, a real doctor

who is handsome enough to be
a Bollywood doctor.

♪

Come on in.

Thanks.

Hey, Freddy.

Hey.

Nice sweater.

Thanks for noticing.
Crocheted it myself.

It's like meditating, but at
the end you have something cozy.

Hey. Ready to bowl?
Yeah, let's do it!

Don't forget what I taught you.

The Petawawa Pendulum. Got it.

Petawawa?

I'm from Petawawa, Ontario,
comma, Canada.

That's where I used
to sling rocks.

That's slang for bowling.

One time he bowled a 300.

Also, one time a grown
man lied to you.

It's true. There's a picture
of me in the bowling alley.

Come on, man. There's no way.

We should bowl sometime.
I'll show you.
Sounds good.

Get in the car.
I'll drive.

Pickup's right out front.
I have an electric car.
It's better.

For who?
Hazel's granddaughter.

Please just go,
both of you.

It's okay, we're just gonna have
a friendly match.

And when Freddy loses,
he'll have something cozy

to cry into.

Let's go.
Hold on.

Need to get my ball,
my shoes, my wrist brace,

my rosin bag
and my lucky scrunchie.

I got to tell you,
it's a bold move

to just show up
at this guy's restaurant

and ask him to get a husband
for your sister.

Oh, I would
never do that.

That would impugn the honor
of my sister.

Okay. So...

What exactly are we doing?

Normally, it is
the man's family

who starts a conversation
about a marriage.

So I will casually tell Kasim
how lovely my sister is

and wait for him to have
my brilliant idea.

Wow. That is some 3D chess.

Kasim will understand.

He is a pillar
of this community.

He will know many families.

Are you gonna feel weird
if you bump into his daughter?

Didn't you kind of...
...like her?

I did.

But there is no future
for Ariana and me.

And to help my sister,

I am ready to walk
on a carpet of thorns.

You want me to go in first
and see if Ariana's there?

That is a brilliant idea.

I am so glad you had it.

♪

Hi, Kasim.

Art?

Ha-ha! My friend!

Ah. Did you bring Awalmir?

I'm not sure.

Oh.

Yes, I did.
Ah.

Awalmir!

Salaam, Kasim Jaan.

Where have you been?

I have missed you.

I am sorry. I have been meaning
to pay my respects.

You had one job.

Hello, Awalmir.

Hello, Ariana.

It's nice to see you.

Nice to see you, too.

You're looking very well.

As are you.

You had a long drive.
You must be hungry, huh?

Ariana, bachi,
go tell the kitchen

to make one of everything.

Ha! One of everything.

He remembered my order.

Kasim Jann, how are
your cousins in Kabul?

Alhamdulillah,
they are safe.

They moved to
the countryside.

How is your family?

Ah, my mother and brother
are okay for now, inshallah.

And we were lucky enough
to get my sister to Turkey.
Ah.

But I do worry about her,
of course.

Living without the family
and being so educated...

and beautiful...

and single.

Have you thought about
finding her a husband here?

Oh, I do not know.

That would not be my place.
Oh, my friend,

if she is as wonderful
of a person as you,

I will have no trouble
finding her a good husband.

Son of a gun.

What if I told you I already
know the perfect candidate?

You do?
He's my son, Masoud.

He's a doctor,

he doesn't touch alcohol,

he's never smoked
a single cigarette,

and, dare I say,

he's inherited my smile.

I would love to meet him.
Ah.

You have made me so happy.

If it's okay, I will bring
Masoud to your house.

Great.

This time I'll
cook for you.

Ah. Ariana,
how would you like to be

Awalmir's sister-in-law?

I was gone for two minutes.

Hazel, put your thumb in it.

All right?
Just one hand on the ball.

This is how Freddy showed me.

Okay, but you're not gonna get
as much power that way.

It's the backswing

that lets the weight
of the ball...

Strike!

There it is!

Petawawa!

Man, that is a beautiful char.

Would you like
to see my grill?

Oh, boy!
I feel like it's my birthday!

If my sister likes your brother
half as much

as Mr. Art likes your father,

they will be the happiest couple
in the world.

I can't imagine what
you've been going through.

I've been thinking about
you and your family.

Thank you.

And I was glad to hear
your family is safe.

Although maybe soon
it will be our family.

About that, my dad didn't really
give you the full picture.

My brother isn't exactly
a doctor doctor.

He's a dentist.

So? That is
an honorable profession.

And he's not really a dentist.

He practiced for a year
and then he quit.

So what does he do?

He's a deejay.

And that is the face
my dad makes.

Okay, not my
best game.

Which was 300.

But, hey, look,
I still won.

Oh, you're not
going home, are you?

Haven't you
been punished enough?

Just getting warmed up, dude.

I'm bored.
I'm gonna go to the arcade.

Yeah. Here's some quarters.

Oh. Here's $20.
Don't bring me back any change.

Wasn't planning on it.

Hey, can I ask you
a question?

Anything, amigo.

What's the deal
with the man bun?

I could tell you,
but you're not gonna like it.

Yeah? Try me.

Vanessa digs it.

Why's your hair so short?

It's a military thing.
Yeah, but you're
not in it anymore.

Why are you still
living in that box?

It's not a box.

It's about discipline
and self-respect.

Didn't you drive
to a Browns game in a diaper

so you wouldn't have to stop?

If you miss the kickoff,
you might as well not even go.

Tell you what,

you win this game,
I cut off my pony.

I win...

you grow one.

Oh, I'm willing to grow one

if you're willing
to grow a pair.

Let's bowl.

♪

Oh, Vanessa.

Think she heard that strike
from her place?

Hey.

Hey, Riley. Having fun?

Yeah. Why?

Just curious.

Do you, uh, happen to know
where your daughter is?

Yeah. She's in the arcade
playing video games.

Wrong.

What do you mean, wrong?

She's right here.

She walked home?

Yes!

What's going on?
You are in big trouble.

♪

Salaam, Hassina Jaan.

How are you holding up?

Awalmir Jaan,

you don't have to call
every day. I'm fine.

No, I just wanted to hear how
your Turkish is coming along.

I don't know what that means,

but I know
you're making fun of me.

Hi, Hassina!

Hi, Lizzie.
Thank you for the clothes.

Oh, you're wearing
my jacket.

It looks good on you.

Thank you.

Oh, I found some medicine
in one of the pockets.

Throw that away.

And tell Riley
thank you for the money he sent.

I gave some to the family
I'm staying with,

and I bought English workbooks
for the children

in the refugee camp.
Hassina, you are an angel.

I'm really not.

I just need
to be doing something

with my time.

I mean, how many Turkish
soap operas can I watch?

Hmm. Well, I know
somebody you can talk to.

And maybe marry.

Lizzie, what is he doing?

That's why I'm here.
I wanted to watch this go down.

Hassina, you will
love this man.

His name is Masoud.
He is a doctor.

He comes from
a great family.

He will make a
wonderful husband.

I don't need a husband.
I need a work permit.
When you come

to America, you can work
as much as you want.

And if he turns out
to be a lemon,

you can always get
a divorce.

Don't say that.

You can even do it online.

Easier than ordering
a pizza.

Lizzie,
have you met this doctor?

Not yet. He's coming over
tomorrow with his family.

Hmm.
My dad's slow-cooking
a brisket

to make a good impression.

What is brisket?

Meat that makes you sleepy.

All I am asking for

is for you to be open
to talking to him.

If you don't like
him, it's okay,

I will never
mention it again.

You're lucky
I don't have much going on.

Thank you, Hassina.

You know I just want
you to be happy.

And I want you to be happy.

Hmm.

This sounds a lot
like a conversation

my brother and I
have never had.

♪

All right, here's what happened.

I got distracted because a kid
was choking on pizza.

So I gave him the Heimlich
and saved his life.

And I was in the alley
fighting racists.

Why would you be
in the alley?

'Cause that's where
the racists are.

♪

You ready?

Born ready.

Where is she?

In her room.

You sure she didn't leave?

'Cause that happens
to a lot of parents.

Listen,
I'm not gonna yell at you guys.

Okay, see you later.
I just assumed

that both of you understood
that when you take Hazel out,

there's an expectation
you'll bring her home.

Sounds like we're
getting yelled at.

I'm used to this kind
of behavior from Riley,

but you I thought I could trust.

You can, babe.
Goes quicker if you
just let her finish.

I feel dumber when
I'm around you two.

Rematch tomorrow?
3:00.

Wash that ponytail.

I'm gonna hang it
from my rear-view mirror.

The house looks great, Al.Thank you.

The first visit is
the most important.

You want to make
a good impression.

Well, in that case,
should we be here?

Mr. Art, you are family.
Of course you should be here.

You can change your clothes
if you felt like it.

Game time!

Kasim!

Welcome to my home.
Oh, thank you.

Uh, this is for you.

Oh. Kabob skewers.

I saw you admiring mine,

so I got you a set
of your own.

Wow. Thank you.

I... got you something, too.

Biography of Hyman Rickover,

the father of the
modern submarine.

Terrific read.

Thank you.

Let me introduce you
to my son, Masoud.

Masoud, this is Art Dugan
and his daughter Lizzie

and his friend Awalmir.
Hello, Masoud Jaan.

Oh, please, call me Mo.

Please don't call him Mo.

Come, sit.

This is a sick party house.

Thank you.

You know, Masoud graduated
from the University of Michigan.

Top of his class.

That is very impressive.

I agree. It's sick.

I'm gonna check
on the brisket.

I mean, I thought
I was pretty good,

but you beat me
fair and square.

When your ponytail grows in,
I'll get you a scrunchy.

Can I buy you a drink?Yes.

I will have an 1810 Mezcal
Reposado in a tumbler.

Two shots of tequila.

Gracias.

To Hazel.

You guys made a great kid.

Thanks. To Hazel.

And to Clart.
Who's Clart?

It's the baby Vanessa and I
are gonna have someday.

Boy or a girl,
it works either way.

Have you two been
talking about

having a baby?

Oh, one step at a time, amigo.

First I gotta ask her
to ask me to move in.

Then you guys gotta
get a divorce.

If you could hop on that,
that'd be great.

And then a destination wedding.

Fingers crossed, Toronto.

Hey, two more.

This is fun.

This is delicious.
The cumin is a great touch.

Eh, no big deal, I just
threw it together.

So, Masoud,
do you speak Dari?
A little.

You know, like "salaam."

That's pretty much it.

That's why it's so awesome
Hassina speaks English.

It is awesome, isn't it?

So, I hear you are a dentist.

Was a dentist.
Is still a dentist,

according to the state of Ohio.
I have the paperwork.

Yeah.

I'm pretty focused
on my music career.

Oh. What instrument
do you play?

He plays the computer.

All the instruments are
in the computer.

He can do a flute,
he can do a piano.

Yeah, I go by DJ Mo-ney.

'Cause I'm Mo.
It's a play on words.

Does it result in any Mo-ney?

I mean, if the right teen
dances to one of my songs

on TikTok, I'm made.

He was part of
a dentistry practice.

They will take him back anytime.
He is very good.

Look, he did these.

Wait, DJ Mo-ney.

Did you play Lost Lands
last year?

Yeah, I was the first one
up on Sunday. 9:00 a.m.

I was still awake.

I heard you.
You were awesome.

See?

So, my sister is
a very special person.

Yes, she is very educated
and beautiful.
Mm-hmm.

And she will need a husband
who can support a family.
Mm-hmm.

Kygo made $30 million last year.

I wonder if his father worked
70 hours a week

to put him through
dental school.

Baba, we said we weren't
gonna do this.

I can't help it.
He's breaking my heart.

Listen to your father.
You cannot do computer flutes

for the rest of your life.
Look, man,

ever since I was a kid, I did
everything that he wanted.

I worked at the restaurant,
I got good grades,

and I got to this point, like,
when is it my turn?

I'm sorry,
your turn to what?

Be happy.

Oh, what does
you being happy

have to do with anything?

Thank you, Awalmir.

Stop it. Both of you.
Here's the deal.

My brother is a deejay.

He isn't gonna change his job
for you or for you.

Thank you.

That was tight.

Read the room.

They don't know what that means.

♪ Save our queen

♪ And heaven bless

♪ The maple leaf forever.

Wow, that's a long song.

You think my car will
be safe at the bowling alley?
Oh, relax.

No one's gonna steal that thing.

It's a golf cart
with windshield wipers.

All right.

There you go.
Adios, amigo.

This guy wants to
name your son "Clart."

We need to talk.

As a single woman,
you should not be in the bedroom

of a single man.

This is a garage.

What will your father think?

He won't think anything.
He's napping.

I am sorry, Ariana Jaan,

but I do not think
your brother is

good enough for my sister.

Well, guess what?

I don't think your sister is
good enough for my brother.

My sister is a genius.

She taught herself how to read.

She memorized the entire
periodic table by age five.

My brother is a musical prodigy.

He graduated college
in three years,

and he's also
the sweetest person.

He visits my grandmother
every week.

He doesn't have a job.

What else has he got to do?

And he's a better cook
than my father.

My sister's qabuli pallow

is so good you will
eat your fingers with it.

Well, congratulations.

Your parents raised
one wonderful child.

They did. She's the
best person I know.

Well, I'd love to
meet her someday.

Your beauty melts my heart.

Thank you.

Now, please get out
of my bedroom.

Captioning sponsored by
CBS