United States of Al (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 11 - Punch/Musht - full transcript

So, how are things in school?Awful.

I've got this big report
that's due tomorrow.

They only gave you a day?

Well, they gave me two weeks.
I gave me a day.

What's the assignment?

Interview someone from my real
life I find interesting.

Oh, yeah. I had to do that
when I was your age.

You don't happen to have it
lying around, do you?

I don't think a report
on Miley Cyrus

is what your teacher's
looking for.

You knew Miley Cyrus?



Nope. That's why I got a "D."

Well, you're in luck,
Hazelnut.

I got lots of stories.

Who says Hazel's gonna
pick you?

Why not me?

I'm a successful
business owner.

Ah, yes, yes.

Your grandfather would be
a perfect choice.

Very interesting man.

Not that it matters,

but I am also
an accomplished businessman.

Did you know I sold
more green onions

than any other six-year-old
in Kabul?

We all know. Every time we eat
something with onions in it,



you tell us that story.

It's a good story.

Here's an idea.

Why don't you write
about your war hero dad?

Giving you a bad grade
would be unpatriotic.

Another great choice.

Your father is very brave.

I should know.
He fought alongside me.

Uncle Al, would you like me
to do the report on you?

Oh, Hazel Jaan, there are
so many good choices

around this table.

Well, I guess I could do it...

I humbly accept.

If a little girl wants
to get an "A" on a paper,

who am I to stop her?

♪

♪ Oh!

My name is Awalmir Karimi,
son of Siddiq Karimi,

grandson of Usman Karimi.

A native of Kandahar currently
living just outside

of Columbus, Ohio,

in the second house
from the right,

beside the pink house
with the messy lawn.

And the story of how I got
from Afghanistan to America

is filled with twists, turns,

and-- dare I say-- miracles.

Great. If I talk slow,
that might be all I need.

Our story begins
on a warm summer day,

when the mulberries
had just turned red.

Write down that
he's afraid of owls.

I'm not afraid of owls,

I just know that they are
harbingers of death.

They used to hoot in his ear
while he was sleeping.

Stop trying to get
into my report.

Uh, what advice would you
give yourself at age 11?

Easy. Don't waste time
with the neighbor's daughter.

She is not into you.
She's into your brother.

What do you consider
your greatest accomplishment?

Surviving.What do you mean?

I lived through three wars
with barely a scratch.

Ooh, this guy's got
a sixth sense for danger.

One time we were talking
to this local farmer.

Seemed like the nicest guy.
He was joking around with us.

Then Al noticed an antenna
poking out of his pocket.

He was hiding a walkie-talkie.

Al warned us. We all got
the hell out of there

before he could
call in an attack.

Whoa.

I know.

It was amazing.
Nothing got past him.

Hazel.

I don't hear typing.

The president was so impressed,
he almost named

an American base after me.

What? That is not true.

You don't need to exaggerate.

It is called the art
of storytelling, Riley.

The details are not
as important

as the feeling we are trying to
inspire in these young dreamers.

Sure. Sure.
Mm-hmm.

Where do you think
you'll be in five years?

Probably still sitting here,
telling his story.

So, would you say you're
afraid of all owls?

And Al is smart.
He speaks five languages:

English, Dari, Urdu,
Pashto and French.

He is brave. He spent six years
serving with the Marines

and saved many American lives,
including my dad's.

And he is modest.

They really wanted to
name a base after him,

but he thought
it'd be too much work

to change it on all the maps.

The end.

Wonderful.

Are there any questions
for Hazel?

What's his favorite thing
about America?

Me.

Also Costco and game shows.

If he's so brave, why didn't
he stay in Afghanistan?

Because the Taliban
was trying to kill him

for helping us.

Okay. Thank you, Hazel.

Your uncle sounds
like a real hero.

He is. And I know it's
really important to him

that I get a good grade.

Is Al short for al-Qaeda?

You're kidding.

Aw, man, okay.
I'll be right there.

Is everything okay?

We got to meet Vanessa
at school.

Hazel punched a kid.

What? Why would she do that?

I don't know.
She was a biter in preschool.

But who wasn't?

The rules are
very clearly stated

in the student handbook.

What's going on?She's suspended.

She punched a kid,
and now she's suspended.

We have a zero-tolerance policy
for violence.

Danny has a black eye.

What were you thinking?

It's his fault.
He was being a jerk.

He called Uncle Al
a terrorist.

Oh, Hazel Jaan,
I have been called

much worse than that.

One of the things about
speaking five languages

is I've been called terrible
things in five languages.

That doesn't make it okay
for some twerp

to say it to my daughter.

Is this Danny kid suspended,
too?

We are handling that
separately.

Great. Will you be
suspending him separately?

We are not here
to discuss Danny.

Hazel, I'll see you
in one week.

I hope you learned
a lesson.

Oh, we'll make sure
she does.

Come on, we're going
to go apologize

to that boy right now.

She can apologize
when he does.

Or maybe they do it
at the same time.

I'm not in charge of Danny,

but I'm in charge of Hazel,
and she needs to be punished.

She is being punished.
She's suspended.

Wait, what does it mean
that she is suspended?

She's not allowed
to go to school.

That is a punishment here?
Interesting.

Thank you, Mrs. Ro.

And you are grounded.

No screens, no friends, no fun.

Says who?

Her mother.

I'm her dad.
Don't I get a say?

Okay... what are you doing?

Maybe I don't want
to ground her

for something I would
have done, too.

Okay, then,
what do you want to do?

I'll talk to her.
That's it?

That's not good enough.

Well, it's my night.
Come on, Hazel, let's go.

I'm gonna punish
you with pizza.

Are you kidding me?

I will speak to him.

I'm so sorry about this.It's a shame.

Because until that incident,
it was a wonderful report.

They almost named a base
after you?

Oh, good, that made it in.

How's it coming?

It's coming.
It's, uh, definitely coming.

Dad, you're so good
at so many things.

It's okay if you don't know
how to fix a dishwasher.

I didn't know how
to fix a roof

until I got up there
and did it.

You fell off the roof.

Learned a lot.

Hey, what are you doing
home so early?

I got suspended.

Relax, I'm handling it.

I disagree he's handling it,
but don't worry,

I'm handling it.

Riley,

I think we need to have
a talk about your parenting.

No, we don't.

I agree, Dad.
You're killing it.

I'm gonna go ride my bike.

Have fun.
Make good choices.

When it comes to Hazel,

you and Vanessa must
speak with one voice.

Yeah, one voice sounds great.
I choose mine.

You are disrespecting
her mother.

Vanessa's wrong.

Hazel had your back.

She stood up for what
she thought was right,

which happens to be
what I think is right.

That's all good dad stuff.

But you are confusing her.

She cannot be punished
at her mother's house

and pampered here.

And what makes you
such an expert on children?

I share a room with one... you.

You are the child.

That guy's way too young
to be a staff sergeant.

And look, his
insignia's upside down.

Drives me crazy.

He's been shooting for an hour,
he hasn't reloaded once.

Why do you guys even watch
this movie?

Oh, it's a classic.It's the best.
It's great.

Hey.
Guys.

Wow. Movies, brownies.

Really bringing the pain,
aren't you, Riley?

Hazel knows violence
is wrong. Right?

That is not how you use
a bayonet.

Okay. Well, playtime's over.

We're going to Danny's
to apologize.

I think I want to
stay here tonight.

Oh, no, you're not.
Riley, tell her.

It's okay with me
if she wants to stay here.

Thanks, Dad.You're welcome, sweetheart.

Oh, my God, grow up
and be a parent.

I'm a better
parent than you.

Uh-oh.

Okay, okay,
let's put the pin

back into the grenade
and talk it out.

Hazel, go to the garage.

Uh, she really shouldn't
be out there alone...

Please, Mr. Art, you stay.
This is a family problem,

and the family must
solve it together.

Lizzie, we need you, too.

Hazel, why are you still here?

And no brownies.

All the way.

All the way,
and shut the door.

What's going on?

Lizzie, please sit.
Join us.

This family is in crisis.

What else is new?

I would like to make
a suggestion.

Back home, when there was
a problem,

we'd hold a meeting
known as a jirga.

What's that? It is where allmembers of the family gather

to express opinions

and offer solutions.

Oh, an intervention.

Okay, cool. I've been
on both sides of those.

Respected members
of the jirga,

we are here to help Hazel.

God is watching us and
expects nothing but honesty.

That's a lot of pressure.

I think

we all agree that Hazel
cannot have one set of rules

at her mother's house
and another set of rules

at her father's.

You mean norules
at her father's

and rules at mine?

The point is,

we agree it's a problem, yes?

Yes.

Now, who wants
to share their wisdom

with this poor couple?

We all know the Browns game
starts soon, right?

All right, I'll start.

Thank you.

Thank you for including me
in this important, uh...

I forgot the word already.

Jirga.Jirga.

Anyway, I think that these
are two terrific parents

who love their daughter
differently

but in the same way.

Why does Freddy get a say?

I'm not sure
he's saying anything.

All right, you guys have
got to get it together,

'cause this is a mess,
and she's only 12.

It's going to get worse.
That's basic biology.

Thank you, Lizzie.
That is a very good point.

And this one knows what
she's talking about.

She was a beast
from, like, 13 to 30.

I am 27.

Well,
30 can't get here quick enough.

Is this 'cause I want to call
someone to fix the dishwasher?

A repairman is a thief
with a wrench instead of a gun.

Okay, show of hands,

who thinks Dad has no idea
how to fix the dishwasher?

You're gonna eat
those words.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna eat 'em
off a paper plate!

Okay,

I understand
this is everyone's first jirga,

and it is easy to be tempted

to talk
about very unrelated things,

but we are here to talk
about Hazel.

Why is everyone acting
like I don't punish her?

I punish her all the time.

Do you hear that?
This is pointless.

Trust the process.

There comes a time
in every jirga

where someone says,
"This is pointless."

Yes, it is earlier
than I thought,

but that means it is working.

It doesn't matter
what anyone else thinks

'cause Riley
holds all the cards.

No, I don't.

She worships you.

She wants to be a Marine
because of you.

She craves your approval,

and when we disagree,
you're gonna win.

So, it's my fault
she looks up to me?

No, it's not your fault.
It's just the truth,

and it's not fair.

Silence is also a natural part
of this process.

It does not reflect poorly
on the jirga.

Great word.

They still fighting?Yep.

What are you doing in here?

Fixing the dishwasher.

Do you think
I did the wrong thing,

punching that kid?

Okay, I'll tell you,

but you have to promise
to keep it to yourself.

Promise.

I punched a lot of kids
for dumber reasons than that.

Like what?

In... a long time ago,

a friend of mine got
the first Led Zeppelin album.

I heard it was great.

So I begged him
to let me borrow it,

and I played it all night,
scratched it up good.

So I punched him.

That makes no sense.

Yeah. I didn't say,
"You want to hear

something smart I once did,"
did I?

I'll tell you this much.

I never would've sassed my mom
the way you did.

That would not have flown.

Maybe I should go in there?Nah.

They're having a conversation
they need to have.

It's a little about you.
It's a lot about them.

I wish I could
do something.

Well, some things,
you can't fix.

People. Dishwashers.
All sorts of things.

Now scram.

I don't like people watching me
while I work.

What?

I'm sorry I punched you
in the face, okay?

Who told you to say that?

Everyone.

But I do mean it.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Hey, just so you know,
it was a crummy thing you said.

Truth hurts.

What's that?

You know
the last thing America needs?

No.

Tell me.

I think the problem
with this particular jirga

is that our elder is
in the kitchen drinking.

Would it help
if we all held hands?

Stop asking that.

Hey. Did you get a call
from Danny's mom?

No.

You're about to.

You were supposed to be
in the garage.

I punched Danny again.

Hazel, what the hell? See, thisis because of you.

I-I went over and apologized,

and he was even more
of a jerk, and...

Well, you're all caught up.

I know I'm grounded forever
and you guys are gonna fight,

so I'll just be in the garage
not watching TV.

So, now do you think
this is a problem?

Yeah.

I don't want to be that guy,

but I feel
like we should've held hands.

All right, talk.

I tried. I really,
really tried.

What happened?

Well, you guys
were fighting so much,

I thought if I did
what you wanted, it would stop.

Then Danny said
a bunch of stuff,

and, I don't know,
everything went blank,

and the next thing I knew,
he was on the ground.

Blank? Really?

Can I?

Sure.

Did you think
you were gonna punch him,

or did you just do it?

I just did it. I wasn't
thinking about anything.

I get it.

Sometimes when I get mad,

it feels like a switch flips
and I'm not in charge anymore.

What do you do
when that happens?

Stupid stuff
I always wish I hadn't done.

I was lucky when your mom and I
were together.

She'd talk me down.

Remember when you kicked me
so I wouldn't punch that guy?

Which time?

She can help you
like she helped me.

And we're still a family.

We got to have one set of rules.

So, if I stay here,
I'm grounded?

Way grounded.
Way worse than your mom's.

The same as at Mom's.The same as at Mom's.

And the next time
you start feeling

like you're gonna lose it,

you call one of us.

Okay.Okay.

So, does that mean
I get an iPhone?

I mean... No.

All right, that should do it.

And...

It's quieter than I remember.

Do you give up?Nope.

I've never called a repairman,
and I never will.

However, I will be out
for the rest of the day.

Got errands to do,
people to see.

Definitely enough
to keep me busy

between the hours
of 11:00 and 4:00.

Okay.

I will know
not to expect you home

during that five-hour window.

Yep. See you at 4:00

or whenever you call
and say you miss me.

And your credit card if
I need it for any reason?

On the counter
if you need it for any reason.