Under a Rock With Tig Notaro (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - James Van Der Beek - full transcript
Tig Notaro doesn't know who James Van Der Beek is.
- Here's the first clue.
- A stream.
- Or a?
- River.
- Less rapid than a river.
- A creek.
All right.
- This is amazing.
- Please welcome Tig Notaro.
- Hi, welcome to Under
a Rock with Tig Notaro.
I'm Tig Notaro.
I don't watch many TV shows or films,
so I'm really bad at
recognizing famous people,
and on this show, I
interview famous people
to try to figure out who they are.
Please welcome
this person.
Hi.
- I've never been on a talk show
and seen more trepidation from the host.
- Oh, I thought you said you'd
never been on a talk show.
- No, no, no, I've, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Really nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
I'm Tig.
This is...
This is my talk show.
- Awesome.
- Yeah.
I don't mean to objectify you,
but you're a handsome man.
- Thank you.
- Uh huh, thank you.
I mean you're welcome.
Well, I uh,
how do you know who I am?
- Your stand up.
- I know, but how do you-oh,
so you've seen my stand up?
- It was the Largo one that
first came to my attention,
and I was like wow, this is.
- Not funny.
- It was so brave, I love big swings.
Are you doing okay?
- As far as I know today, I'm doing well,
but my body gives out with no warning.
Okay, your face has been
a popular internet meme.
- This is true.
- Can you make the face?
- Should we make the face?
- Yeah, I don't know it.
- Okay.
- Alexa, drum roll.
- Okay.
- And what is?
- That's about it.
- People are going nuts over this?
- Yeah.
- Did you have an idea when you made that-
is it from your job?
- I had zero idea when it was happening.
- That that was gonna be...
- That it was gonna be brought up
22 years later.
- Oh, it's 22 years ago.
- It's about that, yeah.
- Wow, okay.
- It's about that.
- How old are you?
- I'll be 42 in about a week.
- All right, March.
- Yep.
- I'm March as well.
- What day?
- 24th.
- I'm the eighth.
- We need to have a double birthday.
- A Pisces celebration, we should.
- And do you believe
in that kind of stuff?
- You know, I thought
it was the biggest bunch
of bullshit until I met somebody...
- Please don't talk like that.
- I'm sorry.
- You thought it was?
- I thought it was...
- Hogwash.
- I thought it was a bunch of BS,
until I met somebody who based on nothing
other than my birthday down to the minute
knew things that were un-Google-able.
- Like what?
- Pretty personal stuff.
Like I said, it's
un-Google-able for a reason.
- This isn't gonna air anyway.
Here's another fun fact about you.
- Okay.
- You once needed a police
escort to appear in public.
- That's true.
- Who are you?
- That's what I was really
wondering at the time,
at that point in time.
- Is it because what your
job was going really well?
- Yes.
- Really?
Are you a super hero?
- No, I'm not a super hero.
- Now here's what I'm gonna ask of you.
I would like to get clues from you.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
They're over there.
- All right.
Here's the first clue.
- A stream.
- Or a?
- River.
- Less rapid than a river.
- A creek.
All right.
- This is amazing.
- I want to hold onto this, because...
- Okay you hold on.
- This is funny to me.
- Okay.
- And let's see another clue.
- Okay.
- What else you got?
- We got...
- Have you seen this or did you?
- I have seen this.
- Okay.
Bus, shovel, bird.
Am I saying the right words?
- No.
- So we have this,
and we have bus, shovel, bird.
Okay bus,
dig,
bus, dig, beak.
Am I closer?
- Yes.
You got one of the three.
Dig?
Bus,
beak.
Dig the beak?
- Can I change my name right now?
- Is this your name?
- Yes.
- This is your name.
- That is my name.
- Car.
- No.
- Bus.
- No.
- Van.
Van, dig, beak?
What am I missing?
Van Der Beek?
- That.
- You're Van Der Beek.
- Yes.
- I don't know your first name.
Can you give me three
first names and I'll guess?
- Okay, we've got
James, Brad,
and Craig.
- Okay, I feel like your name is James.
Is your name James Van Der Beek?
- Yes it is.
- Okay.
I've heard that name.
- Okay.
There we go.
- Okay.
We did it! - We did it!
- All right.
Even though I figured
this out with no problem.
- Yes.
- I'm gonna do a proper
introduction for you.
- Sounds good.
- He has inspired a
generation of screaming fans
playing the heartthrob
Dawson Leery on the, okay,
this is where this comes in.
You were Darson...
Dawson Leery
in the WB series Dawson's Creek.
Most recently, he starred
in What Would Diplo Do?
And Ryan Murphy's hit FX series
Posse.
- Pose.
Pose. - Pose.
- Pose.
Pose.
- So it turns out
my guest today was James Van Der Beek.
James,
I love you sir.
- Same, right back at you.
- Thanks so much for being on.
- Absolutely.
- And I can't wait to watch "Posse".
I can't believe.
I think it's really wonderful and exciting
that we're both March birthdays
and Alexa could you sing Happy Birthday
to Tig and James Van Der Beek?
- James Van Der Beek.
- Tig Notaro.
- Sir.
- A stream.
- Or a?
- River.
- Less rapid than a river.
- A creek.
All right.
- This is amazing.
- Please welcome Tig Notaro.
- Hi, welcome to Under
a Rock with Tig Notaro.
I'm Tig Notaro.
I don't watch many TV shows or films,
so I'm really bad at
recognizing famous people,
and on this show, I
interview famous people
to try to figure out who they are.
Please welcome
this person.
Hi.
- I've never been on a talk show
and seen more trepidation from the host.
- Oh, I thought you said you'd
never been on a talk show.
- No, no, no, I've, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Really nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
I'm Tig.
This is...
This is my talk show.
- Awesome.
- Yeah.
I don't mean to objectify you,
but you're a handsome man.
- Thank you.
- Uh huh, thank you.
I mean you're welcome.
Well, I uh,
how do you know who I am?
- Your stand up.
- I know, but how do you-oh,
so you've seen my stand up?
- It was the Largo one that
first came to my attention,
and I was like wow, this is.
- Not funny.
- It was so brave, I love big swings.
Are you doing okay?
- As far as I know today, I'm doing well,
but my body gives out with no warning.
Okay, your face has been
a popular internet meme.
- This is true.
- Can you make the face?
- Should we make the face?
- Yeah, I don't know it.
- Okay.
- Alexa, drum roll.
- Okay.
- And what is?
- That's about it.
- People are going nuts over this?
- Yeah.
- Did you have an idea when you made that-
is it from your job?
- I had zero idea when it was happening.
- That that was gonna be...
- That it was gonna be brought up
22 years later.
- Oh, it's 22 years ago.
- It's about that, yeah.
- Wow, okay.
- It's about that.
- How old are you?
- I'll be 42 in about a week.
- All right, March.
- Yep.
- I'm March as well.
- What day?
- 24th.
- I'm the eighth.
- We need to have a double birthday.
- A Pisces celebration, we should.
- And do you believe
in that kind of stuff?
- You know, I thought
it was the biggest bunch
of bullshit until I met somebody...
- Please don't talk like that.
- I'm sorry.
- You thought it was?
- I thought it was...
- Hogwash.
- I thought it was a bunch of BS,
until I met somebody who based on nothing
other than my birthday down to the minute
knew things that were un-Google-able.
- Like what?
- Pretty personal stuff.
Like I said, it's
un-Google-able for a reason.
- This isn't gonna air anyway.
Here's another fun fact about you.
- Okay.
- You once needed a police
escort to appear in public.
- That's true.
- Who are you?
- That's what I was really
wondering at the time,
at that point in time.
- Is it because what your
job was going really well?
- Yes.
- Really?
Are you a super hero?
- No, I'm not a super hero.
- Now here's what I'm gonna ask of you.
I would like to get clues from you.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
They're over there.
- All right.
Here's the first clue.
- A stream.
- Or a?
- River.
- Less rapid than a river.
- A creek.
All right.
- This is amazing.
- I want to hold onto this, because...
- Okay you hold on.
- This is funny to me.
- Okay.
- And let's see another clue.
- Okay.
- What else you got?
- We got...
- Have you seen this or did you?
- I have seen this.
- Okay.
Bus, shovel, bird.
Am I saying the right words?
- No.
- So we have this,
and we have bus, shovel, bird.
Okay bus,
dig,
bus, dig, beak.
Am I closer?
- Yes.
You got one of the three.
Dig?
Bus,
beak.
Dig the beak?
- Can I change my name right now?
- Is this your name?
- Yes.
- This is your name.
- That is my name.
- Car.
- No.
- Bus.
- No.
- Van.
Van, dig, beak?
What am I missing?
Van Der Beek?
- That.
- You're Van Der Beek.
- Yes.
- I don't know your first name.
Can you give me three
first names and I'll guess?
- Okay, we've got
James, Brad,
and Craig.
- Okay, I feel like your name is James.
Is your name James Van Der Beek?
- Yes it is.
- Okay.
I've heard that name.
- Okay.
There we go.
- Okay.
We did it! - We did it!
- All right.
Even though I figured
this out with no problem.
- Yes.
- I'm gonna do a proper
introduction for you.
- Sounds good.
- He has inspired a
generation of screaming fans
playing the heartthrob
Dawson Leery on the, okay,
this is where this comes in.
You were Darson...
Dawson Leery
in the WB series Dawson's Creek.
Most recently, he starred
in What Would Diplo Do?
And Ryan Murphy's hit FX series
Posse.
- Pose.
Pose. - Pose.
- Pose.
Pose.
- So it turns out
my guest today was James Van Der Beek.
James,
I love you sir.
- Same, right back at you.
- Thanks so much for being on.
- Absolutely.
- And I can't wait to watch "Posse".
I can't believe.
I think it's really wonderful and exciting
that we're both March birthdays
and Alexa could you sing Happy Birthday
to Tig and James Van Der Beek?
- James Van Der Beek.
- Tig Notaro.
- Sir.