Undateable (2014–2016): Season 3, Episode 6 - A Puppet Walks Into a Bar - full transcript

Danny and Justin discover that Leslie's boyfriend, Mike (recurring guest star MIKE CATHERWOOD) is going to propose to her. They then have to deal with the consequences.

Uh-oh! Check out the new
sweater my grandma got me.

Oh, your grandma must hate you.

It's like the only thing you ask yourself
when you put on a shirt is,

does it have a neck hole?

Babe, we should get going. The new Bond
movie starts in like 20 minutes. Ready?

Uh, one sec.

Oh, but now, wait a minute.




Uh, what the hell was all that?

Uhhh, maybe it's sign language
for "stop staring at me, dork!"

Hahaha, Danny. No.

The correct sign language for "stop
staring at me dork," is like this...

And I know that because
most of junior high was

I was bullied by a deaf kid.

Coincidentally this means

"here's my lunch money, so could
you stop beating me up, please."

Look, Mike signaled me because

he wanted me to tell you big news.

He's going to propose to Leslie.

- No!
- What?!

- Bursk, are you okay?
- Uh yeah...

I'm dating Karli now, so that's fine.

I'm just going to step
outside for some fresh air.


I love her so much.
Leslie, that's my Leslie!

- So why did Mike want...
- Leslie!

Why did Mike want us to know?

You know, we're the most
important people in Les's life.

He wants us to be
involved in the proposal.

Awww! Pass.

Danny, Mike is asking you to help with your
sister's proposal. Why wouldn't you?

Yeah, no, no, no, I definitely
understand how words work.

Um, listen, it's not a good idea.
Leslie hates when I get involved

in her relationships. Okay?
She's always has.

She still blames me for
ruining her senior prom.

She used to date, the star quarterback

Joey Football. That's his name.
Anyway, the day before the prom,

I made a bet Joey to him about how
he couldn't jump from our roof on our house

over to a branch hanging
over near our garage.

Yeah, I won the bet.

- Where is Joey Football now?
- Well, Uhhh...

He couldn't do his scholarship because
he... you know like, because of his injury.

But you know, he stayed around and
bought a house here. And uh,

got a new job. Now everybody
calls him Joey Olive Garden.

So Danny doesn't think he's going to
help with his sister's proposal, okay?

Let's see if you change your mind.

You see when Leslie and
Mike went on their first

date, they thought they
were going to a play.

Turns out it was a puppet show.

So for the proposal, Mike had all
these made up for us.


- Whoa!
- No friggin' way.

Oh my, this is so cool! A Candace puppet!

You're beautiful today.
Oh, she's embarrassed.

Hey, do you want to get high later?

Oh, we're gonna be best friends!

You sure this one's mine?
I don't think he's gay.

Oh, yeah, I definitely would as well.

- Hey, did you make a puppet for me?
- Uh, uh, whoa, whoa, no, no no.

Oh, I don't know, Danny. Are you
going to help with Leslie's proposal?

Oh, awesome!

You know, if these two puppets ever had

a sitcom together and it got canceled...

This one would be fine cause
he's kinda fresh on the scene. But,

this one's career would be over because
he would have two failed sitcoms.

At least he wouldn't live in
a dirty apartment in the Valley.

He's so handsome man...

We really are just like twins, right.
Hey dude, you wanna party?

Let's do it. Bye guys.


Ok, ok. Guys, Danny and
Leslie are on their way.

Calm down, focus! Mike, Come on. My single.
Signal, not single. I'm so nervous.

I can do a lame bird-call like, caw-caw!

Or... I can razzle dazzle it, sing
a nice beautiful note in your name.

- ♪ Mike ♪
- Definitely the bird-call.

I don't know if I like you yet, Mike.

You got it baby!

I haven't seen him this excited since NBC
announced they're doing the live musical

version of "The Wiz"

You know, they still haven't
cast the cowardly lion?

All black cast, someone with live TV
experience, I wonder who they could get?

[Mouths "Call me"]

Hey! Hey! Hey! They're coming! Stations!

Let's go.

Oh, Les, I've got to tell you,
out of all the guys you've ever dated,

Mike is definitely my favorite.

Oh yeah! He's great. He's funny,
kind, crazy about me...

I just wish I felt the same way about him.

I really don't have much experience with
middle aged women.

Is that something you say...

Right before you're about to say he's
definitely going to be my life partner?

What? No, Danny, it's casual.
I hardly ever bring him around here.

He doesn't have me hang
out with his friends much.

I think we're on the same page.

Or totally different pages on...

completely different books,
but yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just know in my heart that,
uh, Mike is not the one.

Anyway uh I'm starving. Let's go
get some pizza. Come on.

Uh no! What?

Why are you guys all hiding behind the bar?

Because, we were being naughty
and playing spin the bottle.

Oh look, I got Shelly. Mmm.

Why is your penis out?

Hey, hey, uh, uh, uh... Hahaha

What are you thinking? You can't go.
Remember the plumber is coming?

-With the ring? To fix the toilet.
- Oh, yeah, well I uh,

Maybe the toilet doesn't
want to get fixed, you know?

Are you sure about that? Are you
really sure? Like to be sure...

Every toilets dream of one day get fixed.

Uh, I spoke to the toilet.

A toilet spoke to you?

Huh, yeah, it sounds silly but it was one
of those fancy cool futuristic Japanese

toilets that speaks to you so...
Yeah, it was like...

[Speaking Japanese gibberish]

No do marriage, no proposal.
Don't do the proposal.

Oh god, Candace, rescue me.

Oh, yes, oh my gosh. We could
pick blueberries and

make a pie and make it together and eat the

whole thing and tell each other secrets.


Hey guys, did Leslie show up yet? Do I
have time to go to the bathroom?

Hey, oh gosh, um, I don't know how
to say this. Mike, the toilet's gone.

He was going to propose?!

Yes. And as the mastermind behind
said proposal, you should know it was

romantic, it was sexy, and it had puppets.

Ok. Well there's nothing
sexy about puppets.

That's actually not true
because last night,

Shelly and his puppet
had a threesome.

Puppet Shelly wasn't the only
one with a hand up his butt.

Whatever, okay? It doesn't matter,
because I bit the bullet anyway

As soon as you left, I told Mike
don't bother proposing to you

because you weren't going
to say yes anyway.

Best brother award. Arms
out for a thank you hug

Why would you do that? Candace,
you've got my back, right?

Yeah. I'd love to have your back.

I just don't know what you're mad about.

It doesn't matter. We talked about this.
Girls have to be there for each other.

Oh yes, sisters before misters.
Danny, don't be a bitch.

I should have been the one
who talked to Mike, not you.

Look, there are huge moments
in everyone's life we all have to

go through, whether it's getting your heart
broken or breaking someone else's heart.

Those are moments that
shape us as a person.

Oh okay, now I get it.

Yeah. You go, girl.

You wanna know what I think? I think...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You asked
"do you want to know what I think"?

And nobody said yes.
So why ask, you know? Yeah.

Anyway, sorry to interrupt.
Leslie, you were

in the middle of saying
something completely insane?

Insane? You took away a proposal!

What if I took one of
your big life moments.

What if I took away your first kiss?

Actually now that you say that,
I would actually love it because

my first kiss I was a little bit drunk and
she was my a little bit my cousin.

You know Amy, right? It was Amy.
So anyway...

It doesn't matter, because I took one
little moment from your life.

But life is full of moments. Ok?
There was just another moment.

There's another moment there.
There's another one there.

There was there another moment,
another moment...

That was a longer moment.

So it's like what point are you
trying to make? You know?

Is everything a joke to you?

I have asked you...

Leslie, that was pretty
good. That was good.

I'll give you that.

I've asked you a thousand times
to stay out of my relationships.

Why would you get involved now?

Get outta here!

Just as wet as my cousin Amy was.

- Hey, that's not a brag.
- Whatever, dude.

When you've got it, you've got it.

You know what I mean?
Listen to me, dude.

Dude, I'm actually, you know what?
Jokes aside, I'm pretty mad.

But, I can't think of who I'm
actually mad at, because...

The person I can't think of definitely
talked me in, to getting involved.

Who was it? Who was it? God,
the person's name is just

on the tip of my... tongue.

What? You want to have
a tongue fight, Danny?

Hey, hey, hey! Enough! Enough!

I've been working out.

I'm not gonna sit here and watch two
grown men lick each other out of spite.

I'm not gonna go through that again.

It's silly! I'm done with the silly fights.

We've got to fix this. We need to fix
this for Leslie. As a team - together!

You know what? I don't want to
be your teammate. So screw it.

I don't believe you.
Do you want to know why?

Because you trust me and I trust you.
I trust you so much,

- I'm doing a trust fall!
- Oh, I've got to videotape this!

Listen, listen, I want you
to 100% know that

I'm definitely not going
to catch you. Okay?

I don't hear negativity.
All I hear is friendship.

Okay, you're definitely gonna fall, so...

My heart says I'm not.

Ok, well this is gonna hurt much more
than when your Netflix special comes out

and nobody watches it.

I won't lie to you. That will hurt when
it comes out on December 1.

But I'm not gonna feel pain because
I'm gonna fall into your arms.

This is for friendship! Ah. Oh!

This is for Instagram.

So if Mike made puppets for everyone,
where is the Leslie puppet?

Unfortunately for her,
she's with puppet Burski.


You are a Jewish Wolverine.

I hope puppet Burski
uses puppet protection.

Hi, kids. We're having a
lot of laughs out there.

But please remember puppet
pregnancy isn't a joke.

Hm! Be safe.

Oh, no. Gimme that!

Ah, hey, Les, can we talk to you?

- What do you want?
- Listen, I feel really bad about what

I did, so we fixed it, all right?
We teamed up and fixed it.

I felt really bad, we definitely
shouldn't have taken your

moment. So we talked to Mike.

- Oh my God, tell me this isn't happening.
- Pinch yourself, because it is.

Yep. All I did was tell Mike the truth.

I said it was wrong of me to get in
your way and decide whether

- or not you should propose to Leslie.
- Tell her what you ended with.

You're going to love this.
It gave me chills.

So I said hey, Mike, you know

much it was very natural. No,
no, no. It was very natural.

He was there. I was like hey, Mike, you
know? But like he was sitting right there.

- I was like I'm leaving.
- I'm like hey, Mike, you know?

- I was like but I looked at his face.
- Hold on one second.

I was like hey, Mike.
And I said "follow your heart."

Ooh, somebody get my a sweater.
I've got chills.


Yeah. I will parachute down!

Oh, wait. My parachute is not working!

- He's a little boy.
- That's good.

So wait a minute,

you're telling me that you told Mike

not to propose and it crushed him.

- Yes.
- That's what he did.

Then you convinced him to propose again.

- Right!
- You got it, girlfriend.

Because he thinks I'm gonna say yes.


Even though you both know I'm gonna say no.

- Enjoy your moment.
- Mission accomplished.

This is the guy we all like, and you both
set him up to come in here,

and get hurt in front of everybody.

Well, when you say it like that,
it sounds like a horrible thing.

Yeah. You said you wanted to be the one
to talk to Mike when he proposed to you.

Yep, the first time. I didn't say trick
him so he could come in and do it again!

Oh, well, you gotta be clear.

Hey, guys, look, it's Mike. He
just came into the bar. Hi, Mike.

Oh, Candace is nervous and doing that
thing where she says everything she sees.

He's getting down on one knee and looks
really nice and has a box in his hand.

Oh my gosh. Danger, danger, he found me.
I'm right over here and he's looking at me.

Mike, I'm so sorry about
what about to happen to you.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

Mike, I really wish I could say yes.

You're an amazing man,

but it wouldn't be fair.
You deserve someone who is all in.

We both do. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, too. But I get it.
Goodbye Leslie.

Hey, Les, I'm sorry you and
Mike didn't work out.

I thought you'd be happy that we broke up.

No, it's not about that, and I'm sorry.

I'm just gonna go get
some fresh air real quick.

Whoo! Suck it, Mike! Whoo!

Hey, Les, I'm sorry you had to crush Mike.

Can I ask? Why would you want
moments like that in your life?

Yeah, that sucks. But you know
what I was just thinking?

I'm finally at a place in my life where
a great guy can propose to me and

I don't feel like I have
to say yes because I'm

worried that Mr. Right
will never come along.

I mean that's pretty great right?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Do you know what my favorite
moment was though?

Mine was when Justin fell.

Well, mine was about you.

Even though you did the wrong
thing at every turn,

I know you were just
looking out for me and

wanting me to be happy.
You're a good brother.

Wow, see an amazing moment like
that with your sister makes

me wonder think you should thank
somebody who was involved.

Don't you think? I think that person
might be right in front of you.

Do you know what? I was gonna
thank you. Now I'm not. I can't.

- You ruined. it.
- I know somebody who can.


Hey, Justin, thanks.

- Please don't cry.
- Oh, I'm not gonna cry.

Puppet Justin will.

Danny, you're my best friend.

I know what we need here.

- Puppet group hug.
- Yay!