Undateable (2014–2016): Season 3, Episode 5 - Halloween Walks Into a Bar - full transcript

When Danny sees that Justin is being overly romantic with Candace, he is worried that that might destroy their relationship, meanwhile all the guys dress up for Halloween.

Check out the new sweater
my grandma gave me.

Here I thought your grandma loved you.

It's like the only thing you ask yourself
when you pick out a shirt is,

does it have a neck hole?

Babe, we should get going. The new Bond
movie starts in 20 minutes. Ready?

Oh, one sec.



Hey, what the hell was all that?

Ummm, maybe it's sign language
for "stop staring at me, dork!"

Hahaha. No, Danny.

Sign language for "stop staring
at me dork," is like this...

And I know that because
most of junior high I was

bullied by a deaf kid.

Coincidentally this means

"here's my lunch money, so could
you stop beating me up, please."

Look, Mike signaled me because

he wanted me to tell you big news.

- He's going to propose to Leslie.
- Oh what?!


- Bursk, Are you okay?
- What?

Yeah, no, I'm cool. I'm dating
Karli now, so I'm fine.

I'm just going to step outside for a
minute for some fresh air.


I love her so much. That's my Leslie!


- So...
- Leslie!

So why did Mike want us to know?

We're the most important
people in Les' life.

So, he wants us to be
involved in the proposal.

Awwww. Pass.

Danny, Mike is asking you to help

with your sister's proposal.

Yeah, no. I definitely understand
how words work.

Look, Leslie really doesn't like it

when I get involved in
her relationship, okay.

She's always hated... she's still
pissed at me for ruining her

senior prom. She dated
the star quarterback,

Joey Football. And uh... It's a weird name.

Anyway. The night before the prom, I bet

Joey that he couldn't jump
from our roof over to a branch

hanging over near our garage door.

I mean, I won the bet.

- Where's Joey Football now?
- Oh, now? Ummm...

Well, he couldn't do his scholarship
on account of the injury but uh,

You know, he stayed in county.

He just kind of got a new job.
Now we call him Joey Taco Bell.

Oh so, Danny doesn't think he's going
to help with his sister's proposal huh?

Let's see if this changes your mind.

You see, on Mike and Leslie's first date,

they thought they were going to a play.

Turns out it was a puppet show.

For the proposal, Mike had
all these made for us. Boom!

These are so cool!

Aw, Puppet Candace, you guys!

Aw, Candace, you're so beautiful.

She's shy.

Hey, do you want to get high later?

We're going to be best friends!

You sure this one's mine?
I'm not even sure he's gay.

Oh, yeah. I definitely would, too.

Is there... did you
make a puppet for me?

Uh-uh! Ho ho ho! I don't know Danny...

Are you going to help with
your sister's proposal?

Oh, awesome!

Oh man, he's so handsome too!

Yeah, hey it's like we're twins right?

Oh wait, come's off though. There we go!

Let's party dude!

Rock on!


Oh! Hold up, okay, guys?

All right. Danny and Leslie
are on their way.

Mike! They're going to
wait in my office, okay?

I can give you a signal. I can give you
a lame bird call like "ca-caw!"

Or, we could razzle dazzle, I could sing

nice beautiful note in your
name... ♪ Mike ♪

- Do the bird call.
- Haha...!

Really making it hard to help you, Mike.

He's such a cutie.

I haven't seen him this excited
since NBC said they were doing

the live musical version of "The Wiz."

Did you guys hear they're still
casting the cowardly lion?

Huh. All black cast, someone that

needs live TV experience?
I wonder who they could get.

Call me


They're here! Let's go!

Hey Les, thanks for taking me to
the natural history museum.

I hope that next time we have enough time
to see the "Lord of the Rings" exhibit.

Danny, "Lord of the Rings"
isn't actually real.

Okay, professor.

So does Mike ever let you
drag him to the museum?

Yeah, Mike's great.

He's funny. He's kind.

He's crazy about me. I just wish
I felt the same way about him.

I don't have that much experience
with middle-aged women.

Is that something they say...

Must be something they say
right before they tell

you they want to spend the rest
of their lives with them, huh?


No, Danny, it's casual. I mean,
I hardly ever bring him around here.

He doesn't take me out
much with his friends

I mean, I think we're on the same page.

Yeah, totally... or totally different
pages on completely

different books. You know what I mean?

I just know in my heart,
you know, he's not the one.

Well, I'm starving.

- You want to go get some pizza?
- No!

Why are you guys hiding behind the bar?

We were naughty...playing
spin the bottle. Whooo!

Ooh! Look, I got Shelley!

I did not expect tongue.

Wait a minute. Danny, you can't...

You can't leave yet. Remember
the plumber is on his

way with the ring for the toilet.

Yeah. Maybe the toilet doesn't need fixing.

Right. You sure about that?

You sure? Because I thought most toilets

dreamed of being fixed one day.

The toilet told me.

The toilet spoke to you?

Well, actually, yeah. It did speak to me.
It was one of those really

fancy, cool, futuristic Japanese
toilets. So...

Yeah, it straight up was like...

"No marriage."

Wow, I did not see that coming.

Sounds like to me that
that toilet just wants

to get plunged by a bunch
of different plumbers.

Hey man, hey man...

you watch your mouth when
you talk about my toilet that way!

Uh, okay. Candace, do you
want to go do something?

- Like what?
- Literally anything else.

What about the movie...
You wouldn't want to do that?

I'd do that!

Guys, guys? Has Leslie showed up yet?
Do I have time to go to the bathroom?

Oh, gosh... man.

How do I put this? Uhhhh,


the toilet's gone.

He was going to propose?

Yes, and as mastermind of said

proposal, I wanted you to know
it was romantic, it was sexy,

and there were puppets.

- There's nothing sexy about puppets.
- That's actually not true

because Shelly and his puppet
had a threesome last night.

Yeah. Puppet Shelly wasn't the only

one with a hand up his butt.

Look, Les, don't worry about it, okay?

Look, okay, I bit the bullet.
After you left, I told Mike he

shouldn't bother proposing to you
because you weren't going to say

yes anyways. Best brother ever.

Arms up for a thank you hug!

Why would you do that? Oh!

Candace, you've got my back on this, right?

Yeah... yeah. I don't know
what you're mad about

It doesn't matter.

We talked about this.
Girls got to stick together.

Yes. Sisters before misters.

Danny, don't be a bitch.

I should have been the one
to talk to Mike, not you.

There are huge moments in everyone's
life that we all have to go through.

Whether it's breaking
someone's heart or getting

your own heart broken, these are the
moments that define you as a person!

Oh, okay, now I get it.

You go girl!

You want to know what I think?
I think Danny...

Whoa, whoa, no, no, no.
See you asked "do

you want to know what
I think", and nobody said yes. So...

Why ask, you know?

Anyway... boy.
I'm sorry, Leslie, continue,

you were saying something
completely insane.

Insane? You took away a proposal.

What if I took away
one of your big moments?

You know, what if I took your first kiss?

You know what? It's funny you say that.

because I would actually love it.
Alright? When that happened, I was a

little bit drunk. She actually
had a little bit of a mustache.


- Not a huge deal, okay?
- Was it a man?

No, it wasn't a man. It was a girl. She
had a mustache, a little bit of a mustache.

Is everything a joke to you?

What's the big deal?
I took a moment from you.

Life's full of moments, all right?

That's a moment. That's a moment.

That's a moment. There's another moment.

There's another moment.
There's another moment.

There's another slightly longer moment.

So it's like... what is your point?

I have told you a thousand times to
stay out of my relationships.

Why would you get involved now?!


God, why would I get involved now?

Man, if I could only remember...

The person who told me to get involved...
I can't remember the name.

But it's right on the tip of my tongue.

Ha! You want to have a tongue fight?!

Let's go, Danny!

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, enough! Enough!

I'm not going to watch two
grown men lick each other in fight.

Not again!

You know, he's right.

We don't have time for these silly games...

We don't have time for this alright?
We need to fix this thing with Leslie

- Together as a team.
- No, you know what?

- I don't want to be your teammate.
- Ha! I don't believe that for a second,

I trust you, Danny.

I know that you trust me.
In fact, I'm going do a trust fall.

just to prove it.

Oh, I'm going to get my
camera out for this.

I want you to 100% know that
I am not going to catch you.

I know you better than you think, Danny.

- Can't wait to be in your arms.
- Ah, you're not going to be in my arms.

This is really dumb. This is going to hurt
more than when your Netflix special comes

out and nobody watches it.

- Well, I highly doubt that....
- Let's see.

No. My heart tells me you're
going to catch me.

- Your heart's dumb.
- My heart is not dumb. It's never wrong.

Yippee, first time it's gonna
be wrong. Go ahead.

For friendship!

Oh, God!

Haha! For Instagram!

So if Mike made puppets for everyone,

where is the Leslie puppet?

Unfortunately, she's with puppet Burski.

I hope puppet Burski
uses puppet protection.

Hey, guys. We're having
a lot of laughs out there,

but please remember, puppet
pregnancy isn't a joke.

Look after each other.

Come on, give me that!

- Hey, we've got to talk to you.
- What do you want?

Look, I feel bad about what happened.

So I teamed up with Justin
and we fixed things. Okay?

I totally get it, I shouldn't
have taken youir moment, okay?

So, we talked to Mike.

Oh my God! Tell me this isn't happening!

Pinch yourself, it totally is.

Look, all I did was, I told Mike the truth.

I said look, it wasn't my place to
get involved with whether or not

- he should propose.
- Oooh, oh, tell her the next part.

- It gave me chills.
- I looked at him like, man...

Real natural, right? Standing right there.

Just like... I was like
this, hey, Mike, okay?

And I go like this... "follow your heart"

I need a sweater.

I got you. I got you.

Warm him up. Whoo, pow!

So, wait. So first you
told Mike not to propose.

And it totally killed him.

- Yep.
- That's what he did.

And then you convinced him
to come back and propose again?

- That's right.
- You know it, girlfriend.

Because he thinks I might say yes?


Even though you both
know I'm going to say no.

Mission accomplished!

This is a guy we all like,
and you both set him up to come

in here and get hurt in front of everybody.

Well... when you put it like that, it
kind of sounds like a horrible thing.

You said you were the one that
wanted to be there when he proposed.

Yeah! The first time around!

I didn't say trick him to come
back so I could do it again!

Well Les, you got to be clear.

Mike, I wish I could say yes.

I really do. You're such
an amazing man but...

It just wouldn't be fair.

I mean, you deserve someone
who's all in. We both do.

I'm so sorry.

Hey, guys? This is really uncomfortable.
Is it over yet?

- Not yet, sweetie.
- Okay. Right.

Mike looks really sad!

I am sad.

Goodbye, Les.

Hey, Les. I'm sorry you
and Mike didn't work out

I thought you would be
happy that we broke up.

That's not what this is about
right now. I understand.

I'm just going to step outside
real quick and get some fresh air.

Whoooo! Leslie's mine! Mike..Suck it! Leslie!

Uh, Leslie, that was hard to watch.

I feel really bad that I did this to you.

- What we did to her.
- Well, your part in this is

definitely finished. So definitely shut up.

Look, I got to you ask... why would
you want moments like that in your life?

Yeah. It sucked. But you
know what I was thinking?

I'm finally at a place in my
life where when a great guy

proposes to me, I don't feel
like I have to say yes because

I'm scared that Mr. Right
is never going come along.

- That's pretty great, right?
- Yeah.

You know what my favorite part was though?

Mine was when Justin fell.

Mine was about you.

Even though you did the
wrong thing at every turn,

I know you were just trying to protect me

and make me happy. You're a good brother.

Wow. You know, if I had an amazing

moment with my sister like that,
I'd probably thank the person

who got me involved in the first place.

But who. Could. That. Be?

You know what? I actually was going
thank you. Now I'm not.

You ruined it. I can't. Sorry.

I know somebody who can.

Wow, he is so cool, man.

Thanks, Justin.

- Please don't cry.
- I won't.

But puppet Justin might.

It's okay, babe.

- We're here for you.
- Yeah.

You can let it all out.

Heh Heh

You. Are. My. Best. Friend.

I know what we need here...

- Puppet group hug!
- Yay!