Undateable (2014–2016): Season 3, Episode 4 - A Truth Hug Walks Into a Bar - full transcript

When Danny tells Justin that Shelly is homeless, Justin comes up with a plan to get him to move in above the bar.

Hey, where is he? There he is!
Oh, excuse me... May I?

There you go...

Dude, I can't believe he told my sister
last night, that I would watch a movie

with her and she chose "30 Minutes or Less"
and it was super awkward because she

got topless in it.

*** No offense.

Uh, offense taken...

I said no offense, so you
can't say that alright?

Listen, why are you always sticking
your nose in everybody's business, huh?

Uh, hi, Danny. I'm Justin.

I thought we had met.

And I just wanted to chill last night

but of course again, you had to
go and Justin things.

"Justin things"? Does that mean
making everything more romantic

by putting you into a dance spin
every time you touch his shoulder?


I know you think you're being
really cool right now

but I can see your tiny
T-Rex arm shaking...

Please, I'm fine.

Justin, can I go up? Can I go up?

Okay, that's the saddest
thing I've ever seen in my life

Come here, oh, get up...

Look man, just so guys know
to Justin something means to take

something and completely ruin it.

No, it doesn't.

Oh, dirty bollocks, I spilled
ketchup and Justined my pants!

- What's, uh, Danny mean?
- Oh, I'm glad you asked, you know,

Danny doesn't really have a uh, a meaning.
Except for the fact that it's more of a

positive energy that emotes from the sun.
Anyway, uh, oh! did you see the new

"Star Wars" trailer? No? Good.
Because, they took the force and they

replaced it with the Danny.
I don't know why...

That would never happen!

Oh, I saw a black storm trooper

in that trailer so anything can happen.

You know what? Let's define Danny.

Noun: Jerk! Verb: Jerk!

As in you're jerking me,
you're jerking your friends and

you're jerking everyone!

Sounds like a busy night.

[Theme music]


Morning Justin. How are you doing?

Oh, not that great.Last
night while I was in bed

with Candace I accidentally
called her "Danny."

Relax, they sound the same.

Hey, uh. No, they don't and who would ever

- admit something like that?
- Well, it's not my fault man...

His hugs are so loving that
you can't help, but be truthful.

Okay, nice try but there's no search
thing as a truth hug, okay?

Oh, really. Danny, what's
your biggest regret in life?

Uh, that's easy. I don't have one.


Tell me!

I wish I slept with Whitney
Cummings in real life.

Anyway, man, bathroom's all yours.

I left your favorite rubber
ducky in the tub for you.

Danny, I don't have
a favorite rubber ducky.

They're all my children.

Hey, that's the third night in a

row that Shelly's stayed here?
Is there something going on?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's
with the third degree huh?

Why don't you back off, ese?

No, no, no. I know what this is.

See, whenever Danny has a secret, he gets
defensive. you know something juicy...

I'm going to get it out of you.


- Juice him, baby, juice him good.
- What are you going to do?

Oh no, don't sing a song please.

Oh, I won't, I won't But you know what I
will do. I will sing everything I'm doing

- like it's a Broadway musical.
- No, You wouldn't dare.

[Scoffs] ♪ Yes, I would ♪

"Candace can you help me find my phone ♪

♪ Oh Justin, my dear here's your phone ♪
♪ you leave it on the couch all the time ♪

Alright, whatever, I'm just gonna
read the paper and ignore you guys

♪ Well then, I'll hover above you and
see what you're pretending to read ♪

♪ Marco Rubio. Look! Donald
Trump is building a wall. ♪ Ow!

All right, you know what? I'm
going to sing whatever I'm doing...

♪ I'm about to play a video game ♪

- No, that's mine
- [Danny continues singing]

[Continues singing in opera style]

Stop! Stop!

If you don't tell me what's going on with
Shelly, I'm gonna rip out your chest hair

- Oh, uh, okay, okay. Easy, easy...
- No?

Let go, let go! Let go! I got ya!
Look, okay?

Shelly's mom lost her job so
he's got to cover her rent

So now, he's bummed that he's living with
his mom, right?

I told him not to worry. You know, I lived
with a mom before... Yeah, granted it

wasn't my mom and so things
got very sexual, but whatever...

Danny, we have to help Shelly

Hey, no okay? We're not going to help
Shelly. Alright? I want you to control

yourself because I know, I know you get
very weird, very emotional when friends

are in need. But he told me, and he made me
promise never to tell anybody. So you do...

You know what I mean?
It's trouble for me. Okay?

First off, what did I tell you about
wearing your shoes on the counter?

Second off, I'm a man. I
can control my emotions.

Really? Okay well then why don't you tell
me how you felt this morning when you

heard Adele's new single?


You don't hear it, you know, you feel it...


- Oh, a picture of a little puppy.
- Yeah, isn't he cute.

Don't scroll in either direction you
might see a big, old, healthy penis.

Why do you always have
to Burski everything?

That means you make everything
gross and penisy.

Yeah, we figured out the names for

everyone in the group.
To Leslie means to guzzle

an entire bottle of wine
in one sitting.

And to Candace means to overuse
the phrase, Leslie, you have a problem.

Hahahaha! What about me,
guys? What is Bretting.

Maybe Bretting is to be in worse
shape than most other gay guys.

Don't love it. Um... um... ok, I'm feeling

a bit randy recently. What if bretting
is wanting to have sex with everyone.

Oh that one's already taken by Mrs Bosma.

Oh, I love to bang.

Really? Even that old
bimbo gets something?!

Brett, I don't understand why it's
such a big deal to you?

Because you guys should
know me by now.

Do you guys just think I'm some
random gay British guy

who is randomly tending bar in
Detroit for some random reason

that no one has ever explained?

It's like you guys don't even see me.

- Shelly is coming.
- Come on!

Now... Did you get that plan to

Yeah but, how will we trick him
to go upstairs and see it?

T-t-t-t-t! I got this.

Oh, hey, Shelly. There he
is. How you doing, boss?

Look, can you help me get
rid of old trash upstairs?

Nothing major, shouldn't take that long.
Just, lots of candy and magazines and butts

Oh, you got the right man for the job!

What the heck? Why is...
Why is Shelly going up there?

Because, because, we tricked him
into checking out his new room.

Wait a minute, hold on a second.

- You told them?
- No. I became a completely

different person and kept it to
myself. Come on, Danny!

- Let's keep this thing going.
- Relax. We've got a plan.

See. Here's what will happen.
When he comes down, I will

casually mention that the
bar was robbed last night.

Brett and Les, you're in charge of shock.

- Oh, my God! I just feel so vulnerable now
- I don't know what to do.

- I thought this was such a good neighbo...
- And then...

My line is, if there
was somebody living

upstairs, none of this
would have ever happened.

I'm really pissed off you did it that way
Less hands! Remember, we talked about...

Anyway, doesn't matter, point is
I'll say, great idea, honey! Hahaha!

We should have somebody live upstairs
and then we do a quick kiss. Mwah!

- And then, Leslie and I, we kiss...
- Except that we won't.

I say, can anybody live upstairs and
crash at the bar to protect the bar.

What does everyone say?
Leslie and I are going to kiss.

Shelly volunteers, he has a place
to live and is none the wiser.

Okay, unfortunately for you, you forget
about a monkey wrench in your plan.

[Monkey sounds] Me!

Danny, do you think a

monkey wrench is just
a monkey holding a wrench?

Yeah, he goes around and
unscrews everybody's plans

Anyway, ok, Shelly doesn't
want your charity, all right.

- We're not doing this.
- Fine. Fine.

We won't offer him to the
room. We're not going to do it,

- Because, you're going to do it.
- All right, man, hey, why

- the hell would I do that, huh?
- Hahahaha

Because I've changed you. You see,
you care about the people in your life.

Go ahead, make that shocked face.

I've always hated your shocked
face. The point is, Daniel

Radcliffe Burton, we're not going to help
Shelly. His happiness falls.. On. You.

Well, looks like my evening
has presented itself.

Hope you guys have a good night.
Something... something on your mind?


Uh, look, the bar got robbed and Justin
wants somebody to stay up there to watch

over the place so it won't happen again.
Can any of you guys can do it?

[All saying no]

Oh... No one can do it. Shelly,
you think you can do it?

I mean, I guess I could.
If it will help you out.

I'll go get settled in. Take
my butt magazine.

Well, you just
helped a friend in need.

You know what that makes
you a freed, indeed.

You know what, I'm sick and
tired of this monkey business, ok.

[Monkey sounds]

What the hell is he doing?!

I believe that's a monkey
conducting business.

People of Detroit, it is now your
bedtime. I'm about to eat this edible

and have some crazy dreams.

Please finish your drinks
and decide if you're gonna

have hot sex with the
person you're talking to.

Always use a condom unless
they're really hot.

Go, Lions!

- You see, it all worked out, Danny.
- Guys, before I go to bed,

I have questions about that robbery
I hope you can answer them.

- Oh, God. He knows.
- Hey, hey, hey relax.

- Oh! He knows! Oh!
- Relax

- He doesn't know the truth..
- Chill, chill, chill. I am chilling.

- Truth about what?
- Oh, that's funny... Haha

- We were talking, the truth about...
- Yeah, what...?

Hey! That's not natural.

The truth about teen
pregnancy, it's a real

problem in this country,
isn't that right, Danny.

So true. That's right. I mean babies
born to adolescents has dropped.

since reaching an all-time
high in 1990, but it's

still a complex issue. Research
shows knowledge-based

programs help decrease
teen pregnancy rates.

but abstinence only without
education and birth

control does not. So it's like,
you are saying, what?

I don't know how you just did that.

- I don't know.
- Please, relax, all right.

Just follow my lead.

That's what we're gonna do. Dude, you're
gonna lead and I'm gonna do whatever

you do. I'm amazing at it, dude,
I'm like a copycat. Rowr!

See what I mean.

- Fellas?
- Yes.

Hey, dude.

- So official.
- Yeah.

Tell me exactly how this robbery
went down. Well, kind of funny...

- ...not funny.
- It's actually, uh, pretty simple.

Bar was robbed. They
cleared out the register.

Register was empty. Yeah,
you know... all the money.

[Overlapping chatter]

Well now thousands... well,
not thousands. Hundreds.

Anyway... I got a police report

And uh, they said the odds of
catching the guy was...

Could, could, could...

We just don't know the
answer to that question.

The point is, you know, if you
had somebody living upstairs.

- Then this probably wouldn't happen.
- Couldn't happen again, so...

- So, that's what happened.
- That's exactly...

You guys are acting a little weird,
So I want you all to answer

this last question I'm going give you.
This police officer, what did he look like?

[Overlapping replies]

Guys! Guys! Guys!

Guys! I got all that information I need.

- It all makes sense to me.
- Does it Shel?

Yeah, of course, I mean,

I trust you guys. Bring it in...

Wait a minute, he's going for a truth hug
Aaahhh! Scatter!


*** Good luck, Charlie.

I can't do it.

No robbery was, there
Candace. You all made it up?

No, we were just trying to
help you Shel... Oh!

I hope you guys are all happy. You made
me out to look like a damn fool!

I mean, he's wearing those pj’s.

Come on man, you don't
have to move out Shel...

Yes, I do.

You violated my trust. You
turned me into a charity case.

Shel, throwing a stuffed Teddy
bear at me is not going to hurt.

Whoa, man! Is that my computer!

How am I supposed to look
any of you in the eye now?

Anybody got an answer. You? You?

I made this tapest...

- We were just trying to help you, Shel.
- You don't understand, man, my dad

was a taker, all right?

He took from everyone,
friends, family, me...

The best gift I ever got was two

tickets to Wrestlemania.
He took them and he scalped them.

- You should never do that to a child.
- Oh, I was 26.

But that's not the point, Danny.
The point is I promised

myself I would never be a charity case
like him and that's why I don't need

anyone's help.

All right look, man we
understand, ok, we get it.

But the problem is you let this guy in
your life, all right and things is, he

changes everybody, he changes all
of us. I mean, he changed me into a

guy that wants to help his friend
and I hate him for that, ok.

To be honest though, I think you
might be Bretting the situation.

Bretting? What is it?

It's to take really insignificant
things like giving your

friend a place to stay or taking a nickname

and turn it into a huge, emotional
problem like a 13-year-old girl.

I love it.

Look, the bottom line is
that you have help us all

the time and we're just
trying to help you back.

That doesn't make you a charity
case. That makes you one of us.

Yeah, man. You either let your pride
get in the way or you don't, you know.

I appreciate what you're trying to do,

- but I just don't want the room.
- Really? All right, that's it.

Ok. Shell, you want to know
why people tell the truth in

your hugs because they're so loving and
caring that you can't help but be honest.

So you know what?
Let's see how you like it

Guys, get in.

- Danny, you get into this too, please.
- Ohhhh! Fine.

Tell the truth. Tell us the truth.

You do really not want
that room or are you

too stubborn and
embarrassed to take it?

- Yeah, you're right.
- And will you stay up there if we promise

never to mention it again?

I promise.

And are you coping a
feel of my butt right now?

Oh, you better believe it.

- Who's butt am I squeezing?
- Don't worry about it.