Undateable (2014–2016): Season 3, Episode 3 - A Rock and a Hard Place Walk Into a Bar - full transcript

When Danny brings home a girl, Candace's line of questioning alters his plans for the perfect evening. ‎Justin is unwittingly thrust into the middle of their feud and is forced to choose between the two. This week's musical guest is KODALINE.

Should we go to a party tonight?

No way! It is Friday night at 8:00, and

that is the best time for staying
in and watching television.

Let's see what's on NBC.

Yeah, that's not TV, mate.

That's the new security feed.

Good. For a second there, I thought

NBC had really bottomed out.

Are you just going to
stare at me all day?

You're right, you're right.

*** I'll try to walk away.

Couldn't do it.

You're gonna have to walk away.

Aww, I want you to walk away first.

- No, you walk away first.
- No, you...

- You walk away first.
- You walk away first.

Uh-oh! Justin's walking away first!

Oh, no. Wait a second, there's a shark
in the bar.

Shark attack!

Stop it!

You know I love "Shark Attack",
but not in front of my lady.

How is it that I had a penis

in each hand last night and yet, I'm
still not the gayest person in this bar?

Justin and Candace are so lame now that
they're dating,

they kept me up all night
with their lame sex talk.

She was like, "you're the one that I want,

and he was like "tell me more,
tell me more" ...

Danny *** that wasn't sex talk. We were
watching "Grease" and singing along.

That would explain why you said you

wanted to "rama-lama-lama
Justin's ding-ity ding-dong."

God help me, I can't resist
a good "Grease" sing-along.

How do you keep finding new ways to
say things that men never say?

I can't believe you thought

Justin and I were
already sleeping together.

We've only been dating two weeks.

We're ladies. Right, Les?

- How long did you and Mike wait?
- Let's see, I met him here in the bar,

then I walked him to his car.

How long was that?

Okay. Definitely something wrong

with the security feed, because now
it's just showing a random crowd

Whatever they're watching, they
sure seem to be enjoying it.

They should probably tell some friends.

♪♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh oh, oh ♪

♪ If you're ever feeling lonely ♪
♪ if you're ever feeling down ♪

♪ You should know you're not the ♪
♪ only one when you're down ♪

♪ When the world is on your shoulders ♪

♪ Love will set you free ♪

Oh, Danny.

I feel like we've known
each other for years.

Yeah. I know.

I can't believe it was just 20 minutes
ago that we met on Tinder

Heeeeey-uh... Hahaha.. Kids Hahaha

- Oh, just got a text from you.
- You don't have to check it anymore.

It said, "don't come home."

Hi! I'm Candace.

This is Justin. My boyfriend.

My beau. My li'l bitch.

Okay, Don't poke me.
Don't poke me in public.

- Stop it!
- You guys are really cute.

Yeah you guys, so cute. Bye.

- When did you guys meet?
- Oh, good, you're asking questions!

Justin, can I talk to you over

here for a second, please?

I've always dreamed of this...
Me with my bae, you with yours.

If this keeps up, four tickets
on a Disney cruise, please.

- Hey man, hey, hey...
- What the?

How do you not understand that you're
not wanted here, okay?

In about five minutes this is
going to be my underwear.

Roger that, I get it. Yah, I got it.
Roger that. We'll skedaddle.

My ex-boyfriend Trent was the worst.

He tried to get me into bed before
he even knew my last name

But, Justin, I'm so lucky I met you.

Not only does he know my
last name, but this morning when

we snuggled under my comforter.
We call it "the secret blanket"

He said if we ever got married
he would take my last name.

Uh, Haha.. Babe... Babe, do
you not get the meaning

of a secret blanket?

Ugh, I keep ending up with
guys who are like your ex.

Oh, please. Danny knows your
last name, right, Danny?

Ah... of course, I know Jenny's last name

My name's Judy.

Guys, I would like to

introduce you to Jenny Judy.

Hey, did you guys read the news?

"Playboy" magazine aren't
doing nudes anymore.

That's weird. Does the
Internet still exist?

Yeah. I think I'll be fine.

Take it to church!

What does that even mean, Shel?

It's my new catchphrase.
When I saw myself on the

security feed, it made me think,
if I was a TV character, I'd

definitely have a popular catchphrase.

Danny, are you seriously mad
at me for talking to someone?

I was just being nice to that girl.

Yeah, but you took away my
chance to be...

very nice to that girl.

I'm not going to apologize

for being kind to someone
that you don't even care about.

Hmm. Take it to church!

Hey, man.

- Why do you do that?
- Why would I do that?

Well, I did that because your
girl ruined my night last night,

so now, anything that makes you
happy, like ice cream,

- I'm going to ruin that for you.
- Ignore him.

If anyone needs a smile check
out that old couple holding hands.

- Aww that makes me happy.
- Oh, does it?

Hey, get outta here! Go on!

Yeah, yeah, scram! You oldies!

Go on, git! That's it!

Hey, nobody messes with my
customer. You wanna go, Danny?

Say hi to Marvin and Gaye, because
we're about to get it on...

Oh yeah? Well, let me introduce to Ron
Funches because he likes to get high. Yah!

Well I hope you like urban percussion
troupes who make music with garbage cans

- because I'm about to stomp ya!
- Really?

Well I hope you like when contestants
take five random ingredients

and then professional chefs jump them,
because you're about to get Ahhh! Chopped!

- Are they really about to fight?
- I think this is the fight.

Don't worry. When they run out of

jokes it just kind of fades out on its own.

You know what? You're...

- I hope you like...
- No, you watch out.

Wait. I have one.

- Well, do you have one.
- I'm, sorry, man, look...

Could you just talk to Candace, that
wasn't cool OK?

No problem, Danny, great fight.

What? Five-second rule.


So, I fixed the screen so it's
not the security feed anymore.

I'm watching old reruns of "Scrubs",

and that blonde doctor is out boozing.

No, that's actually still the

security feed. She's actually just sitting
right there.

Can I please just have a drink in

peace without getting recognized?
Thank you.

Hey, if you don't want to get

recognized, why are you still
wearing the same costume for...

- That show ended five years ago?
- Because I'm proud of it.

Okay? Trust me, if by some miracle,

you keep this silly show on
for nine years, you'll still be

walking around wearing
that dumb leather jacket.


Bye pretty lady from "Scrubs."

What I'm trying to say is that my
house is Danny's house too.

When he has a girl like Judy over,

maybe you don't have to
butt in or talk to her so much.

Is that cool? Are we dope?

Yeah, totally. You just want me
to keep my big trap shut

so Danny can have sex easier.

Right. Uh oh...

Huh-uh. Wait.

- What's happening?
- Oh, you're getting your ass

handed to you by... by 90-pound care bear.

Danny, did you tell Justin to talk to me?

Hey, ah, I don't know
what you're talking about.

But I think you should
listen to your boyfriend.

When are you going to grow up, Danny?

- You're a 35-year-old man.
- Hey, I'm 34 1/2, Candace, alright?

34 1/2! Let me hear you say it!

I'll never say that! I won't say it.
You wanna know something else?

- You're middle-aged.
- Ah! Okay... ah, all right.

You know what, then? Guess what?
You weren't the real star of

"Good Luck Charlie." The parents were!

- Are you going to let him talk to me...
- Alright!

Everybody calm down. Everybody relax.

Stop, stop, stop stop, stop!
Please, please, calm down,

okay? This isn't easy for me!

Candace is my girl friend and Danny
is... I mean, Danny is my boyfriend...

No, no, no.

My point is. The past is the past.

Nobody cares anymore what
happened between me and Candace

- and me and Danny and Judy.
- Who's Judy?

My God. The girl you were with last night!

- Oh, right... Jenny Judy.
- That's no one's name.

Ever. Never has been.

Hahahahaha, it was fun, we're having
fun. Everybody's happy again.

We're friends, right? Everybody's a team.

We're a team again. Right?

Hands in, please. Hands in... please!

Justin told me he's on my side.

He said it under the secret blanket.

I don't think you understand
what a secret blanket is.

I'm sorry (***) Danny
Did he ever say he was on your side?

No. Actually, no.

You know what? I forgot to bring that up,

because, okay, see, the
difference between me and you,

Candice, he's my boy and doesn't
have to use words to communicate

with me, okay? Because we have something
extracurricular going on, around here...

I tap into the mainframe, see what he sees
in his eyes and that's how he speaks to me.

You know what he's saying right now?

Right now he's saying: "oh,
Candace is very wrong" and uh-oh,

getting a printout. I'm only 34 1/2.
That's what he said.

Guys, I will not be a weapon

that you can use against each other.

I won't be in the middle of this.

Hey, hey, Justin, come to me
and show me your loyalty.

Justin, you don't have to
do that. Come to me.

Come over here dude. Come over here, boy.
Come on, come over here.

You want to go outside.
Want to go for a walk?

Come on! Come on.

Come on. Come!

- Hey, hey, hey!
- Heel!

Don't make me say the four

- words you didn't want me to say. Come on.
- Danny, stop there...

Shut up, demon... You're... My... Best...


No. Stop it.

I want it so bad, but not like this.

I would die for either one
of you and you don't see that

you're killing me right now! You're mean!

Are you laughing? Don't laugh at me.

- I'm not laughing.
- You want me to choose?

You want me to choose? Fine.

I choose neither. You know who I pick?

Justin. He gets me!

Nice work, guys.

That's not how you treat
someone you care about.

- Whatever.
- Yep.

- I've only got one thing to say.
- I know what it is.

- "Take it to church"
- I wasn't going to say that.

Everyone in the bar's
going to say it together.

Three... Two...

- One...
- All: Take it to church!

Ah, this bar seems a lot
less crowded than that.


Justin, come out. Seriously.

- Can you come out of there?
- I don't want to.

All right.

Danny, look... I... I will admit
most of this was my fault.

I shouldn't have screwed up your
night with that girl.

Listen, I... I get it.

You know? I realize what
you're trying to do.

You're just trying to protect that girl.

No, no, Danny.

I don't care about her. I care about you.

I... ever since I met Justin, everything
in my life is better.

I'm kind of hoping that you'd try being
with someone you actually care about.

Because I feel it
would make you so happy.

That's, a...

That's really sweet. You
know, I know it's weird,

because, you know, you kind of always
looked up to me being your hero.

You're not my hero.

Let me finish, though.

Look, I know that it's hard
for me to date and find someone

and, look, I have a lot
of growing up to do in that

category, but the truth
is, I'm still very young.

I mean, I'm 34 1/2, and...

I just... I feel like... I
feel like I can, I feel like I

can... I feel like I can do it.
I just feel like you have to now

see me kind of how I... how I really am
and that kind of embarrasses me.

Danny, I like who you really are.

You OK?


Yeah... I'm okay.

Oh, you're... oh. Give me a hug.

Yeah. Hey...

Justin, you can come out now.
We made up!

- No! I'm still mad.
- I have an idea.

He can't resist a great sing-along.

♪ Summer loving had me a blast ♪

♪ Summer loving ♪

♪ Happened so fast ♪

♪ I met a boy, crazy for me ♪

♪ I met a girl, cute as can be ♪

Sweetie, just come all the way out.

Only if Danny sings, too!

♪ Tell me more, tell me
more, did you get very far? ♪

You have to like it!

♪ Tell me more, tell me more ♪

♪ like did he have a car ♪

♪ Shoo bap bap shoo bap bap, ♪
♪ shoo bap bap, yeah! ♪

Enough of the "shoo be-baps".
Nobody "shoo be-baps."

- He's not coming out.
- Justin... he's not in here.

- ♪ Those summer nights ♪
- ♪ Tell me more, tell me more ♪♪

♪ You probably should be getting ♪
♪ on with your new life, so far ♪

♪ away from, so far away from ♪
♪ when everything we used to say ♪

♪ was wrong is now all right ♪
♪ where has the time gone ♪

♪ Where has the time gone ♪
♪ if you're ever feeling lonely, ♪

♪ if you're ever feeling down ♪
♪ you should know you're not the ♪

♪ only one who's feeling that way now ♪

♪ when the world is on your ♪
♪ shoulders and you only need me, ♪

♪ need me you know love will set you free ♪


♪ I took a long and lonely ♪
♪ walk up to an empty house ♪

♪ that's where I come from ♪
♪ where have you come from ♪

♪ The more I live the more I know ♪
♪ I've got to live without ♪

♪ This ain't no sad song,
life has to go on ♪

♪ If you're ever feeling lonely
If you're ever feeling down ♪

♪ You should know you’re not the only ♪
♪ one ‘cause I feel it with you now ♪

♪ When the world is on your shoulders ♪
♪ and you’re falling to your knees ♪