Undateable (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 12 - Danny's Boys - full transcript

Hey, everyone, I have good news.

Oh, the guy from One Direction
finally wrote you back?

Not yet, no.

Hey, is Harry Styles even legal?

Yeah, he's 19.

Good, 'cause I would ride
that kid like a jet ski.

[Imitates motor whirring]

Come on, what does Harry
Styles have that I ain't got?

He's, uh, talented, charismatic,

and, um, moving into my
own personal fantasy land,

he is bi-curious for husky
guys from his homeland.



Justin: Anyway, last night,

I was kind of missing Nicki
so bad that I called her,

and we started talking about
how there's no, you know,

TV at the bar,

but her parents have one in the garage,

so the next time I go to visit,
I can take it and bring it here.

Very cool, very cool. Worst phone sex ever.

So, um, listen...

Why don't you just buy a TV?

There's a lot of stuff I'd
like to get for this bar,

but I'm barely breaking even.

You know what they call that in Detroit?

Rich.

Don't tell Justin,



but I actually kind of dig One Direction.

I heard you from inside
the office. I'm pumped.

♪ Baby, you light up my
world like nobody else ♪

♪ the way that you... ♪

Okay, okay, get to the hair part, get
to the hair part. Do the hair part.

♪ The way that you flip your
hair gets me overwhelmed ♪

♪ oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ that's what makes you beautiful ♪

Yeah, yeah. Sing that last part again.

- Do that last part again.
- ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

Danny: All right, now. Here we go. Come on.

Justin: Okay. We are going.

- ♪ Oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪
- "Undateable," starring me.

Well, we're both the stars.

Oh, is that...

is that you in the center
with the leather jacket on?

Oh, no. That's me.

Hey, Baby Bird, we got to talk to you.

Um, if you could have one
wish in the entire universe,

what would it be?

And before you answer, no, you can't wish

to be an understudy in
"The Book of Mormon."

I'd wish for one night with Kate Upton.

Just one night, Shell?

After that, I wouldn't
need your damn magic.

I got a wand of my own.

Okay, well,

I guess if I had one wish,

I'd like for Nicki's boobs
to be a little smaller.

I mean, it's not a sexual thing.

It's just, you know, I mean,
her back hurts sometimes.

I just want her to be comfortable.

Obviously, my one wish would be

that I never asked you what
your one wish would be, so...

Look, the point is is that I
got all these guys together,

and we decided to chip in
to help pay your bar loan.

So meet your new investors.

What?

Guys, this is a lot of money. Are you sure?

Well, you've done so much for us,

and we all had some
money lying around, so...

You know, I set aside 40 bucks a week

to take out potential lady friends,

so I had about 8 grand just sitting there.

And I still had some money left over

from my water-park settlement, so...

turns out that, uh, drowning

and being pronounced clinically dead

for 2 1/2 minutes in a wave
pool can be very lucrative.

Uh, you know, I just...

I always kind of felt
like this was our bar,

so, you know, it's nice to...

[high-pitched voice] To have...

[clears throat]

Okay. Breathe... breathe in, Justin.

Come on! [Breathing heavily]

You're either gonna start crying
or pushing out a baby soon.

Either way, I don't want to
be here, so I'm gonna get home.

Danny Burton, freeze.

[Sighs]

So, the way I see it, you have two options.

One, I give you a very long,
passionate, intense hug.

Or, two,

you have to listen to me
while I tell you how I feel.

All right, pour your heart out, Baby Bird.

But I got to tell you, if
it get too touchy-feely,

I'm gonna cut you off right there.

- You see, friendship...
- Okay, that's enough.

- [Voice breaking] You brought this on yourself.
- Oh.

I'm sorry, but this feels
more like a threesome.

It feels good to help Justin.

We should celebrate, Les.

Maybe dinner and a movie?

You can make me dinner.

Then we get naked and make a movie.

Let's do this.

You, me in the handicapped stall right now.

R... really?

No.

But I bet you can't
follow me when I walk away.

Hey, guys, can I ask you
two a hypothetical question?

Say Shelly and I get invited to a party

and, uh, we have this other friend...

Let's call him "Lursky."

... who tends to scare
away other single people.

Can we just not invite him to the party?

That's like lying.

You can't lie to Burski. He's your friend.

You lie to him all the time.

Yeah, but in my defense,

I don't really consider him a friend.

You know he means well.

Yeah, but "means well"

is getting in the way of me crushing ass.

Hey, look, I get it, you know?

It's like he's the exact opposite of me.

He went to college and doesn't
move his mouth when he reads?

[Laughs] She told me she
was gonna start doing this.

It's called the "Danny drive-by."

She was pissed when you broke her heart,

so now she gets to slam you,
and you never get the last word.

All right, well, that's not
gonna accomplish anything.

Uh, exactly what Danny's
parents said about him.

- Oh, come on!
- [Laughter]

Thanks again, guys.

Not only did I pay off my loan,

but the new TV I ordered
for you is going right there.

Well, that's great, Baby Bird,

'cause we are all
focused on making this bar

as awesome as it can possibly be.

Now, we, meaning me and the investors,

just had a meeting, and

we all decided that we should
change the name of the bar.

Before you get mad, don't do the thing

where you put your hands on your
hips like some disappointed mom.

Yeah, "Black Eyes" is a bit
of a confusing name, mate.

It sounds like "Black Guys."

You know, there is a name

that I've kind of been thinking about.

What about "Underdogs"?

You know, it kind of fits
us and Detroit, you know?

Hmm.

Well, uh, we had a
meeting just with our eyes,

and we all decided that
"Underdogs" is a terrible name.

Look, all right, I'm open
to suggestions, all right?

Let's just all keep brainstorming.

Okay. All right.

All right.

Leslie: Careful, Justin.

Mixing business and friends can be tricky,

especially with Danny.

He takes over everything.

No, he's not that bad.

He called my wedding "Danny's big day."

Yeah, I did see the, uh...

the picture with him in
a white tux, which was...

But anyway, that's not
what's happening here.

Beep, beep! Here we go.

Beep, beep! Watch out, everybody!

Move in. Hi.

Whoa, w... what the hell are you doing?

It's a... a new desk for our office.

"Our" office?

Yep. It's my wedding all over again.

Stay out of this.

I still haven't forgiven
you for ruining my big day.

Danny: Do you love it?

If you love it, make your face all red

and try to get the veins
popping out of your forehead.

He loves it, bro.

Just trying to stay calm, you know,

'cause this bar is, uh this bar is my baby.

[Laughs]

And we know how protective
people are of their babies.

Not my aunt Sophie.

Of course, she has had nine kids now.

Man, they shoot out of her

like they're being fired
out of a T-shirt cannon.

Boom!

[Imitates object plummeting]

Is it a boy or a girl?

[Voice breaking] I don't know
why I'm getting emotional.

You're a very strange white woman.

I need to go rethink my life.

[Door closes]

Look, man, we're just trying
to make this bar better, okay?

[Telephone rings]

Hello? Danny's office.

Oh, you do not answer my phone in my bar!

Um, in his defense, you did say
you thought of it as "our" bar.

Oh, please, Brett!

You're not even from this country.

Stay the hell out of it.

[Telephone rings]

Hey!

Why are you even fighting me on this?!

Why would you want to answer the phone?!

Why can't I do it?

Just let me answer the phone. Relax.

Hi. Justin's office.

Hi. Is Danny there?

Sabrina, can I get a bar towel please?

You're sweet. Thank you.

[Muffled screaming]

Come on, why are you so upset?

It's just I thought you guys

would be more like silent partners.

"Silent partners"?

What is that, the name of
yours and Nicki's sex tape?

Oh, no, that's "Gone in sixty seconds."

Look, we should do some cool stuff

to get more people to the bar.

Oh, my G... wow!

I never thought of that!

I never thought that we should get people

into a bar that I own!

Oh, my God!

I mean, you are such a genius!

You look like an idiot, but oh, my God,

you are the smartest guy I've ever seen!

Hey, how should we solve world hunger?

Should we give people food?

Okay.

Look, just calm down, okay?

And will you go to your happy place?

Which, for you, I can assume

is a giant warehouse full of free khakis.

Why are you getting so weirded out

that I want to help run this place?

All right, you know what, Danny?

You're right. [Sighs]

I could use a breather.

So what do you say tonight,
you run the bar, okay?

You can do all the "cool stuff"

you think that can get people here.

Okay, well, for what it's worth,

I think that that's one
of the coolest decisions

you've ever made.

Right, and it's highly unlike you

because you happen to be
a control freak, and...

Oh, you think I can't do it.

I know you can't do it.

You want to know why?

Because you hate hard work. Aww!

And you're terrible with numbers.

Oh, I'm terrible with numbers.

Really?

14, 65, 2, 7, Pi... the
most delicious number.

Okay, Danny, a girl orders two
cosmos, one with premium vodka.

What's the sales tax?

Uh, that depends. How hot is the girl?

Enjoy your night.

Just can't help yourself, can you?

You got to take over everything.

Can you just give it up
about your wedding day, okay?

I made it better, all right?

Remember how awesome your first dance was?

I don't because you danced it!

And F.Y.I., there is no such thing

as a "traditional brother-solo dance."

Oh, really? Then what's this?

♪ Here comes the wife's brother ♪

♪ here comes the wife's brother ♪

♪ weddings are super boring ♪

♪ but here comes the wife's brother ♪

Hey, you guys have fun

at that party last night without me?

What are you talking about?

We didn't go to any party.

Saturday's my volleyball night.

It's when I stay home and
watch women play volleyball.

I saw the pictures you posted
on Instagram last night.

#noburskiallowed.

I think deep down, I wanted to get caught.

Bursk, I swear it wasn't even that fun.

Stop lying, Brett.

Okay. It was the best night of my life.

You guys could have just told
me you didn't want me to come.

You bust my balls all the time,

but I'm the lovable one in this group.

I'm like a puppy.

I'm a lovable puppy, and you kick me.

You're puppy kickers.

Leslie, we're leaving.

No?

Okay.

Leslie: Wow.

You actually made me feel sorry for Burski.

Was it worth it?

I will answer that question by
showing you an Instagram picture

of me getting a piggyback ride
from a very attractive gay man.

Brett, it's not a piggyback
ride if you're facing each other.

#worthit!

Hey, Baby Bird, look,
I'm gonna say something

that's gonna make myself feel very bad,

so I want you to try and
not be happy about it, okay?

I can't run the bar.

[Laughing]

Whoo! [Laughs]

Okay, all right, okay.

The "whoo" is a little much.

Look, I just I don't know

how to get people in the bar, all right?

There's only two people in there,

and even that's too many for me to handle.

Will you... please come back.

Of course, okay?

Justin to the rescue.

Oh! Did I say two people?

I meant a hundred.

But as you know, I'm not
very good with numbers!

It's been like three hours.

How did you get so many people here?

Uh, look, I don't want to overstate this,

but in many ways, I'm like
the center of the universe.

Are those two guys kissing?

Oh, so I turned it into a gay bar.

Sundays only... well, Sun-gays only.

He was actually smart.

Diana Ross was signing
autographs at the Motown Museum.

He went down and passed
out two-for-one drink fliers

to anyone wearing a tight V-neck.

Well, we must've just missed each other.

You know what?

The only problem now is trying
to keep Brett focused on work.

Free shot to any Puerto
Rican with amazing abs!

God bless you, Danny Burton.

How come wherever gay guys go,

attractive, single women seem to follow?

Well, they think they're
gonna get a night out

without getting hit on.

Oh, they are sorely mistaken.

I'm just glad to see
everybody's having fun.

Well, I'm glad you're glad,

because the only reason
that you wouldn't be glad

to see your bar full of paying customers

would be if it bothered you

that the guy who got your
friends to give you money

found another way to
make you even more money,

and that's only something a very
petty person would ever feel!

That's why I'm glad. I'm glad.

[Laughs]

Okay, I'm gonna go to my office.

Our office.

Okay.

Thank you, Sabrina.

[Muffled scream]

What's up with all the dongs, dude?

Actually, Danny made
Sunday nights into Sun...

Oh, I'm not talking to you, Brett.

Hey, Shelly, Psyche.

Not talking to you either, dude.

Leslie, nice cans.

What's going on?

I just told a hot gay guy
that I used to be a dude.

Look, you guys, ditching
Burski last night was not cool.

They just don't get it,
Danny. Guys like you and me...

All right, look, I'm
gonna stop you right there

because no sentence
should ever start that way.

Hey, you know that when you speak,

you drive single people away, right?

Of course.

Okay, well, what if I told you that

that's what makes Burski
the ultimate wingman?

I would say you're mad... simply insane!

Hey, Bursk, you see that
bachelorette party over there?

All right, go over there and be yourself.

All right, look, every group has a Burski.

You just have to find out
how to use your Burski, okay?

Now, see? Look.

He's in, all right?

Now, that girl has a large chest,

so I'm assuming that Burski will
bring up motorboating in 3, 2...

[Warbling]

And they explode, all right?

But girls are like pack animals.

After they scatter, they're
desperate to regroup,

and they'll do that at the
furthest point from Burski,

which happens to be now right here.

Hey, girls. This is Shelly.

He's like a human couch.

Make yourselves comfortable.

Ooh! Follow me.

Does this work for guys, too?

You guys like butts?

Hey, to Danny! Yay!

Whoo-hoo!

Look, if we're gonna keep having gay night,

then we have to make a rule...

no hooking up with
customers in the men's room.

Brett...

He was talking to me,
and I'll do what I want.

You know, if we keep on
making this kind of cash,

you could give us a
healthcare plan with dental!

Ha ha! It's one good night.

I'd keep flossing.

Good night? That was
like the best night ever.

But you have to think about
the consequences, all right?

Mo money, mo problems.

I can't believe that
you're seriously bummed out

because I pulled this off.

I'm not. I'm happy!

Y... you don't look happy.

A lot of people look
angry when they're happy.

Haven't you ever been to Germany?

All right, so what?

I "took over" the bar.

It's still your bar.

Great bar, Danny.

Hey.

No problem, Todd.

Look, I... we made money.

You like making money, don't you?

Okay, what do you want me to do?

You really want me to admit that for years,

I've put my heart and soul into this place,

and I've never had a
night even close to this?

I suck at this!

I'm a failure.

I mean, do you know what that feels like?

Have you ever failed at
anything in your life?

No.

Oh, good. You guys are all here.

I went to the bar looking for you.

Side note... maybe lock the door

next time you leave for the night.

I found a neighborhood dog up on the bar,

drinking from the soda gun.

Anyway, uh, I just wanted to
apologize for freaking out.

Well, you know what, Baby Bird?

I'm actually glad you're here

because I feel like I'm the
one that owes you an apology.

Look, man, the reason why
I've never failed at anything

is because I've never
even really tried anything.

I mean, the only job I've ever
had was suing that water park,

and I don't even know how
to make that a full-time gig.

But, you know, you took your money,

and you went all-in, and you bought a bar.

I mean, how... how ballsy is that?

I just did what I always do, and I... I...

I take someone else's
thing, and I make it my own.

I'm gonna take that as an
apology for my wedding, as well.

Well, you know what?
That's a different story,

and everybody kind of
knows that, all right?

I put the whole thing up online,
and I had people vote on it,

and they all voted in favor of me.

Look, I'm sorry, Baby Bird. [Groans]

How could I have been such an idiot?

You opened your mouth and words came out?

What is she, magic?

This whole thing started because

we wanted to change the name of the bar.

And it's your bar, so
you can do what you want,

but we thought that

we had a suggestion, if you would take it,

maybe name the bar after you.

You want to name the bar Justin's?

Well, no. Of course not.

That's a terrible name for a bar.

It sounds like an airport steakhouse.

Okay, what's... what's the name, then?

[Laughs]

Baby Bird's?

I remember the, uh... the
first time you called me that.

[Laughs, sobs]

[Chuckles]

What the hell was that?

Better put on a raincoat.

There's a cry a-brewing.

All right, no, no, no.

Look, look, I'm not good
with this kind of emotion.

You can stop this, right?

[Sobs]

What if I hug you?

Will that make it better,
maybe make it go away?

Okay.

[Sobbing] I lied!

Hey, girls, I'd really like
to have sex with one of you...

Or both.

Why, hello, earth angels.

You really don't mind doing that?

Of course not.

They're my friends. I love them.

Aww.

That makes you a really good friend.

You know, one day, I'm
gonna go to a group of girls,

say something offensive,

and I think one special lady's gonna stay.

I think that girl might be you.

You see, you and I have something

that a lot of people... L... Leslie?

Leslie?