Undateable (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

What's the giant emergency?

Shannon's moving out.

Don't do this, Shannon.
What we have is real.

Don't do this to us.

I'm getting married.

Yeah, but what about our
motorcycle club... Dos Lobos?

See you around, Danny.

All right, but I swear...

If you walk out that door,
I will not take you ba...

Okay, but if you start that car,

then I will not take you ba...



Okay, but if you do a cute honk

and then reverse out of
the driveway, I will...

Ah!

Can't you just get one of your other
adorable man-child friends to move in?

But all my friends are buried...

Married. ...
I-I-I said "buried." "I meant "married."

Oh, you met someone.

She seems smart.
Is she a doctor?

She made me feel better.

Danny, I don't want to sound like mom,

but you got to find a
purpose... something greater

than just satisfying
your own shallow desires.

Oh, you're serious?

This was acceptable in your 20s,



but you are pushing 30,
and it's getting creepy.

And creepy sticks. It's
like herpes. It's for life.

Hey, look: no one wants
to be the 40-year-old guy

who goes to the bar alone,

and you don't have to be that, Danny.

You have so much potential.

You're absolutely sure
that herpes is for life?

I'm out of here like a herd of turtles.

Les, I know that you're
just trying to help,

but, like, I'm happy.

I mean, you see this?

This is on my face, like, all day.

I'll try to get rid of it for a second.
Watch.

Yeah, can't do it, man.

Well, good luck with the roommate hunt.

Shannon gave me hookups
to a guy who needs a room.

He's, uh... he's a cool dude.

He owns a bar.

Hey, are you gonna see her again?

No.

All right, I'm keeping it.

♪ That's all they
really wa-a-a-a-nt ♪

♪ Some
fu-u-u-u-u-n.

♪ Don't ya love me, baby

♪ well, oh girls

♪ they want to have fu-u-n

♪ Ohh, girls...

What the hell?

You must be Danny.

Killer pipes, man.

Yeah, I went to choral
camp every summer as a kid,

and I was the first male Annie.

No big deal. I just
cruised down on my bike.

You ride? Did you see my bike out front?

Oh, no way. That's your bike out there?

Wow, that bike's a major panty-dropper.

I can't wait to get on the road with you.

Dos Lobos.

Vámonos.

Burrito. I don't know Spanish.

You know what? That's a little awkward.

Um, I wasn't planning on seeing
your penis on the first day.

What do you think?

- I don't know why I said that.
- No, it's cool.

I get caught up in the moment.

All right, now. Here we go. Come on.

Okay. We are going.

Undateable (2014) - Season 01 - Episode 01 - Pilot

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GhostedNet

The end.

No, no, this is the beginning, dude.

Whoops.

Hey, so what's this bar called, anyway?

Black Eyes.

Black Guys?

No, Black Eyes.

Like, if you get in a fight,
there might be a few black eyes.

Uh, well, if you get into a fight,

you better hope that there
aren't a few black guys.

Justin, come here.

Hey.

Is the guy you named the bar after?

Bro, shell can't even get his
name out around girls now. Mm.

A girl in my piano class
asked me my name,

and all I could get out was, "shh."

It's a bummer 'cause I'm
actually pretty smooth

when it comes to male strangers.

Go on, stud muffin. Try me.

I'm happy to help.
What's your name, man?

Shelly.

See? Easy-peasy.

You're so lucky you're gay.

Whenever you want to hook up with a dude,

you just go up, and you pull on his noodle

like a doorbell chain.

Brett just came out a few weeks ago,

and I am just so proud of you, sweetie,

but if you don't get off your butt

and start working right
now, I'm gonna kick it.

Okay.

So, uh, do you mind if I get a drink, too?

Don't bother.
I know lots of guys like you.

Are they all thirsty?

No, they're like the cocky player type.

I always end up with those guys.

I mean, I wish I could
fall for a classy guy.

Like what?
Like a British dude?

Like a guy like this?

Like a dude that just comes up to you

and makes you feel good
in your pants region?

Is that what it is?

Maybe you and me can go to the library

and check out a bunch of books.

Oh, fellas, it is on.

Yeah, I can see her uterus
glowing like E.T.'s finger.

Zuhhhhhhhhhhh.

All right, stop it. Okay?
You're adults.

So, what, he just does
a bad British accent,

and she likes that?

Whatever. I don't care.

Is she kissing his neck?

Seems like you do care.

Welcome to the Dan cave.

Keys are right there. Thanks.

Hey, so I saw you talking
to Nicki at the bar.

You should know that... that
me and her are kind of like...

Soft-shoe tap partners?

We're not, like, together.

You know, I'm still kind
of waiting to make my move.

How long you been waiting?

Only since I hired her.

So, what's today...
Friday?

So, like, 80 weeks.

It just needs to be the right moment.

- Which is what?
- I don't know.

It's not like I'm up thinking
about it all the time, you know?

But it'd have to be earlier in the week.

But not too early so I seem desperate...

like a Tuesday... In the fall...

'Cause that's when my
wardrobes are the strongest.

But early fall so I
still kind of have a tan.

At dusk...
magic hour.

I'm behind the bar washing a glass.

She comes out, like,
"what are you doing?"

I'm like, "washing a glass."

She's like, "do you need help?"

I'm like, "yeah, that's your job."

Then she walks over. "Take
on me" starts playing.

I sing along casually,

but hitting the high notes 'cause I can.

Then I go in for the kiss,
and right then, I pull away,

get myself a beer, walk out the door,

letting her know that she
can't have a guy like me.

When do you have sex in this fantasy?

I'm sorry, Fonzie.

We don't all have your
confidence with women.

Excuse me.

You think I just came out of my mom's womb

just crushing ass?

I've had many teachers...

All helping mold the sexual juggernaut

that you see standing
right here before you.

Are you aware of how douchey you sound?

Negative thoughts just
bounce right off me, bro.

Who were your teachers?

No one.

No one?

Oh, my God.

Justin, you need me.

Words cannot express

how strongly I disagree
with that statement.

Look, I get it, you know.

You're scared, and
change is hard, baby bird,

but I'm gonna help you
mend those broken wings.

I'm gonna be the father bird
and just feed you knowledge.

Aah!

Consider this your acceptance speech

to Danny Burton University.

DBU!

You're insane.

Those are negative thoughts,

and I'm just gonna ignore
'em and come in for the hug.

- Arms up.
- I don't want a hug.

- No hug.
- Come on.

I do not need a mentor.

I know, you wouldn't think
so, right? You're young.

You own a bar.
You sing like an angel.

You're adorable. Right?

Yeah, your face is a six,
but your body's a seven.

Look, you got the juice, buddy.

You just don't know how to use the juice.

I know how to use the juice.

Then use the juice.

Use the juice, and I'll lay off you, okay?

I swear on our Lobo code.

Fine.

Better get your raincoat, muchacho.

It's about to get super juicy up in here.

Oh! God.

Sweetie, be careful. I
almost bitch-slapped you.

No need for bitch-slapping.

I'm totally safe.

I mean, not totally safe.
That'd be boring, right?

But not too dangerous,
either, you know?

I'm kind of like the baby bear's
porridge, girl... Just right.

Wait. I don't get it.

"Goldilocks and the three bears."

Didn't your dad ever read to you?

Um, I never met my dad.

Would you like to? I
don't know why I said that.

Can't make that happen. That dream is gone.

Um, but... sorry.

I'm just letting you know
that I'm adventurous, you know?

Like... like a... like a...
like a pirate, you know?

Or a cat burglar...

like somebody who's
gonna steal your clocks,

not somebody who's
gonna come into your room

in the middle of the
night and be like, "hey,"

and then just, "shhhh. Shhhh.

Shhhhh."

Pillow, and then, "shhhhhh."

I don't know why I killed you.

Hello. Would you like to
go to the library with me?

Okay, look!

E-excuse us.

Did you guys just see that?

You almost asked her out!

That was crazy, bro!

This is so much worse than I thought.

We're gonna go out tonight.

We are out. We're at a bar.

No, no, no. I mean out out.

Out into the world.

Out of your routine, all right?

My sister's a wine rep, okay?

And there's an event tonight.

Um, uh, Danny, sorry.
I can't go out tonight.

Um, I'm dressed like
a chubby Marty McFly.

I mean, obviously,

you don't care so much
about your appearance.

That one actually hurt a little bit.

Danny, I don't think we're up

for going to some party
with a bunch of strangers.

Is that true, guys?

This wine...
is it free?

Hey, you look great.

I am gonna ignore how surprised
you are and say thank you.

I'm thinking it's time
to get back in the game.

Good for you. Anybody catch your eye yet?

Yeah. Right over there.

Don't look.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, yeah. Asian Zac Efron, huh?

Oh, yeah.

You know who's, like, really good-looking

is that guy who looks like
a more soulful Keanu Reeves.

Oh, wait, no. I'm looking in a mirror.

You're me? Oh, I'm you.

Whoa!

You're so stupid.

You guys got to be kidding me.

We came out so you guys could talk

to live, actual human beings, okay?

It's all about confidence.

I'm going in. Win the friend over first.

That's the key.

Excuse me?

I was just over there,

and I noticed that you
were absolutely glowing.

I was wondering when
your baby might be due.

I'm not pregnant.

You look like you're pregnant.

I don't care.

I was actually just interested
in your friend, anyway.

Hey.

Great party, huh?

I'm into the ladies.

You know, the breasts and the butts and...

Fallopian tubes.

Okay, Brett, so I think I see one problem

with the way you're trying to meet guys.

Brett, I want you to go
tell that hot piece of dude

that you're not into girls.

Oh, bloody hell.

And, Bursk, you come on
way too strong, all right?

Go apologize.

And you need to get in there, too.

It's time to leave the nest, baby bird.

You are so annoying.

All right, man. Get in there. Your turn.

No, thanks.

It's not like there's anyone out here

I could put on my "potential wife" list...

If I kept a list like that.

Shut up, Shelly.

I didn't say anything.

You did that look that you do.

Yes, I did.

Come on, stay. I'll make you breakfast.

I should go.

Bye.

Justin.

Susma... Sum... Sum, Justin.

Wait a minute... are you just
getting home now from last night?

If I say yes, do you promise

not to make a big deal out of it?

Baby bird!

Justin! Justin! Justin! Justin!

Justin! Justin! Justin! Justin!

You are super good at that.

Details, dude.
We want the details.

How was it?
Were there candles?

Boys, I just made the
magic happen like I do.

Did you do your, uh, pillow thing?

Well, kiddo, I'm real proud of you.

Thanks, man.

Then I was out like a herd of turtles.

What did you just say?

Oh, it was just something
she said last night.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Is this her?

Why do you have a picture
of Leslie in your phone?

That's my sister!

This is very tense.

What's the emergency this time?

You slept with my roommate!

Justin...

Is your roommate?

Oh, my God.

Danny, I swear I had no idea.

I'm so sorry.

It's not your fault.

I mean, how could you have known?

Listen, thanks for always
being so honest with me.

I knew he was your roommate.

Damn it, Leslie!

What about the Asian Zac Efron?

He went home with white Rihanna!

And then I met Justin,

and by the time I figured out who he was,

we were already in our underwear,

and I'd optimistically worn my good bra.

Aah! Aah!

I don't want to hear it.

Well, somebody has to, Danny.

It's an $80 bra, and it
hurts to wear it, okay?

You ever try and squash your nuts together

so a bunch of guys can stare at 'em?

I brought that kid to your mixer

so he could meet a
desperate woman, not you.

I am a desperate woman, you idiot.

I am 30-something-year-old
divorced woman,

so when a nice guy walks up
to me with nice things to say,

and I have my one good thong on,

my thong and I are gonna listen.

I'm sorry, Les.

You know ...
you deserve to have fun, too.

I just hope I taught
him enough to please you.

- Oh, gross!
- Too far.

I'm sorry. I got...
I don't know...

I don't know why I said that.

I don't even know why I
put myself back out there.

It was so humiliating.

Les, what happened?

What did he do?

He wouldn't even have sex with me.

He said I seemed sad and buzzy,

and he didn't want to
take advantage of that,

so we just laid there staring
at the ceiling all night

like two sad paralyzed people

they just happened to put
in the same hospital bed.

I mean, is anyone ever
gonna want me again, Danny?

Hey, stop. Come here.

What kind of a man are you?!

How dare you not bang my sister!

Um, can we talk about
this in private, please?

Oh, this seems like it'd
be a lot more fun in public.

All she wanted was to be used for sex,

but, oh, no, Justin couldn't do it.

He's too nice to take
advantage of a buzzy girl.

He's an angel.

Wait. So, nothing happened?

No.

And you want to know what else?

If I had the chance, I would
not have sex with her again.

You watch your mouth when
you talk about my sister.

I would take her to my bedroom
and not make love to her

all night long, and then the next morning,

I would take her to brunch.

Then I would meet her friends

and listen to their boring stories,

and when they were done, I'd ask for more.

You know what? We're through.

You're no longer a Lobo.

Oh, my God. How am I gonna live?

I'm no longer a Lobo? Oh, man.

My whole world is over.

Thank God, man!

You don't even know what "lobo" means.

It's... it's like "soldier" or something.

No!

Danny, I never asked for your help, okay?

None of us did.

Look at your own life.

Just going from empty night to empty night,

hoping to get some strange girl

to just stay a little bit longer.

And you think we're losers?

I have people in my life who care about me.

I'm not lonely, Danny. Are you?

You know what? You're no
longer welcome to DB University.

Yeah? ... Well, you're no longer
welcome to black guys!

♪ Danny's gone, Danny's gone ♪

Whee! Danny's gone, Danny's gone ♪

Wh ..., why do you guys look so bummed?

Why are you spraying the peanuts?

Look, guys, we should be celebrating.

Okay? We finally put that
Danny Burton era behind us.

I kind of liked the Danny Burton era.

Last night, I talked to
a girl for six minutes

before she slapped me.

What caused the slap?

I said women shouldn't
earn as much as men.

How does that even come up?

She was driving a nice car.

I asked who bought it for her.

She said she did, and then
she told me some other lies.

I don't know, man.

You know, last night, I
actually told a guy I was gay.

And then when he asked for my phone number,

I gave him a number that was very
close to my own actual number.

That is progress, man.

Hey, don't forget...
you spent the night

with a live, actual woman, you know?

Plus, you got Nicki to
like you for a second.

That's obviously what you've been wanting.

We've all been stuck in a rut lately.

Danny's helped us out of it.

We're grateful to him.

You should be, too.

Excuse me? Is this Black Guys?

Common mistake. The
bar's actually called...

Yes.

I'm Shelly,
the black guy.

Hey, if you came to give the keys back,

you can just leave them
on the table right there.

Look, because of you, I
almost asked Nicki out,

and I spent the night
with a beautiful woman.

What... did you just come here to brag?

I came here to apologize.

Look, Danny, you've done
more for me in two days

than anyone has done
for me in my entire life.

So...
Thanks.

You're welcome.

That's, uh, all I wanted to say.

You're right about me.

Um, I'm not that good at being alone.

All my friends are buried and gone, and...

That means married. It's like a thing I do.

it's hilarious.

I don't know. I guess
they've just kind of all

moved on with their lives, and I'm just...

I'm not really ready for it, you know?

I wish I was.

Look, come back to the bar, okay?

Come back to Black Guys... Eyes.

Damn it.

Hey, you know, that's your crew.

No, it's our crew...

I mean, if you want to be a part of it.

We could all be wolves.

That's what "lobos" means.

Are you trying not to cry?

Uh, no.

Uh ..., crying is for babies

and people who read Nicholas Sparks novels

like "The Notebook" or "At First S... "

"At First Sight."

You know what?

Let's forget that happened, okay?

- Let's just get out of here. All right?
- Okay.

Hey, by the way,

your bar name really does suck.

Ping!

Let's get out of here. Come on.

Ping!

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