Uncle (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Nephew - full transcript

'This is Shelly.
Leave a message after the...

# Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti... #

I'm just phoning... If, erm...

If you think there's any chance
of us getting back together...

just give me a sign.

Oh, what are you two doing here?

I have that tree-hugging retreat
thing, remember?

You said Roly could
stay over the weekend.

Yeah, I didn't think you were being
serious.

My flat's not really child-proofed.
There's rusty nails everywhere.

He's had his tetanus jab.



Oh, come on,
how can you say no to this face?

What's with the giant bag?

He's only staying for three days.
That's his tent.

He brings it to all of his
sleepovers. It keeps him safe.

What from? Jaguars?

Germs. I wrote a song about it.
Do you want to hear?

Maybe a bit later.

Why don't you go
and wash your hands, darling?

Thanks for this.
I feel really guilty leaving him,

but my lawyer and my therapist
say that I need to centre myself

so I'm not a mess during the custody
verdict next week.

If I try calling, don't answer me.
I need tough love.

Tough love's my specialty.

Shelly's stopped talking to me.
What is it with you?



Why do you only fall in love
after you've ruined things horribly?

I guess I'm just... romantic that way?

What is it with the mints?

I don't know.
He's on an oral-hygiene kick.

Anyway I've got to go.
I love you, munchkin!

Call me if you need anything.

Like child-sized body bags?

I made a schedule
for the next three days.

You've laminated it.
I have a machine.

It's got everything on it.
Meal times, bedtimes, poo times.

What are we meant to be doing now?
"Explain schedule to Andy."

Tomorrow we've got the planetarium.

They've got a black hole exhibit.

You want to know about black holes?
Look at my bank account.

How are we going to afford all that?
Mum gave me some pocket money.

Probably best if you let me
hang on to that.

No. You'll just waste it
on beer and cigarettes.

Now, I've got
biology homework to do,

so I'm going to need
total peace and quiet.

Can you turn that down, please?

Killing zombies quietly,
it's like trying to fart daintily.

It can't be done.

Why don't you have a go?

You haven't lived until you've blown
a zombie's brains out.

If I do will you buy me sushi for
dinner? If you kill 20 zombies.

That is run and that is fire.

You've taken to that
like a zombie... to brains.

How are you feeling
about the custody verdict?

You're just trying to distract me so
you won't have to pay for sushi.

No, I'm serious. I mean, basically,

you've got a judge
that's going to come along

and decide on your
whole future living schedule, right?

And we all know how much you
love a schedule.

I don't mind really,
as long as Mum and Dad are happy.

Yeah, but what makes you happy?

I don't know. What makes you happy?

Bingo, 20 zombies.

Yeah, hm.

Hang on.

Hello?

Yes.

Yes. Right now?

I mean, yeah, we can.

OK. Thanks.

That was Rage Records. That was Rage
Records! I-I-I sent them a demo

and a clip of us playing
and Mo Khan at Rage Records,

he wants us to come in right now
for a meeting with them.

Who's Mo Khan?
Mo Khan of Rage Records!

He's Like the Simon Cowell of
Rage Records only without the moobs.

I mean, if he tweets about us once,

we are pretty much
automatically famous.

But I can't. I haven't
finished my biology homework.

RAGE RECORDS!

I have sacrificed
my entire weekend for you.

If you come with me and do this,

I will buy you
all the sushi in Tokyo.

If they offer drinks, say yes.
Always say yes to drinks.

What if I'm not thirsty?

That brings me to my next point -
don't be weird.

Weird? How am I weird?

Do you think they'd like to hear
my germ song? No.

We're not playing anything. Never
play at meetings. It looks desperate.

Mr Khan will see you now.

OK, most important of all -

remember, be cool.

Yeah.
This is the one

cos it's fucked up and I love it.
Oh, shit. Gotta go.

Yo! Errol and Andy.
The Bear Maximum.

Can Trix get you guys a drink?
Orange juice? Coke? Vodka?

You look like a daytime drinker.

Could I have a coconut water,
please?

I'll have a Virgin Mary.
Easy on the virgin.

Sit. Relax. Make yourselves at home.

Don't touch that.

What do you think?

Wow. I love that

Correct answer.
These guys will be huge,

like the Pet Shop Boys
without the gay stuff.

Their new single's called Man-gerie.
You should check it out. Man-gerie?

As in men's lingerie. It's dope.
Errol, you don't seem sold?

That's just his face.

It's nothing. It's just
that picture is a bit... silly.

You're right.

So, what's the deal here.
Are you his dad?

I'm his uncle, actually.

Cool. You're like indie rock's
answer to LMFAO.

Well, that sounds LMFAO-wesome.

You don't say much, do you?

I'm not weird. Ha-ha!

Can I just say, Mo, what an honour it
would be to be on your record label.

To be honest,
I wasn't 100% sold on your demo.

That's why I brought you in -
to hear the magic for myself.

Sorry. We don't
have our instruments with us.

No probs. We've got a guitar
and keyboard right over there,

but you should go and
warm up your voice.

I never warm up my voice.

You should go warm up.

Erm, sure.

Always a first for everything.

Can I get you anything else?
Cupcakes, bison burger,

a bowl of Starmix with all
the orange and yellows picked out?

Do you have any mints?

Keep them.
I want to be honest with you, kid.

I'm not interested
in The Bear Maximum.

The name sucks and the sound blows.

Do you know what
I am interested in, though?

Coconuts?

You. You're the main attraction,
my friend.

When I saw you in that clip,

I knew I was looking at
the next Conor Maynard.

Who? Exactly.

When I'm done with you, you'll blow
the competition out the water.

I'm going to make you a pop star.

Kid, I want to sign you right now.
What do you say?

But what about my Uncle Andy?

Will you just forget about your
uncle a second?

Think about you and your whole
family.

You'll be able to buy your mum
a house, your dad a yacht,

your uncle his own studio.
Hell, his own label!

You'll all be happy.

You're not going to mess this up.
You're not going to mess this up.

You're not going to mess this up.

Are you going to mess this up?

If you go solo,
you'll be able to

write your own songs,
pick your own sound.

You'll be rich and famous.

If your uncle really cares about
you, he'll man up and step aside.

So what do you say?
You want to be a star?

Famous people have no privacy,
so how will I go to the planetarium?

Kid, when I'm done with you, you'll
be able to buy the planetarium.

You won't regret this. I'll have the contracts
drawn up for your parents to sign.

You want me
to break the news to your uncle?

No! I'll tell him.
He can be a bit sensitive.

All right, let's do this!

You know what?

I have another meeting now, but
we're having a party tomorrow night.

You two should definitely come. I
could introduce you to some people,

keep this vibe going.
What do you say?

# I'm fucking famous, bitch

# I'm also stupid rich

# You see my plan
You understand

# Has gone without a hitch

# I'm fucking living it

# I do not give a shit

# I'm in the band and in demand

# I'm fucking famous, bitch

It's been a long time coming
And I've finally made it

I've been busting my arse
And I'm finally famous

I've got the world in my palms
Got the girls on my arms

I'm the man with the plan
Better raise the alarm

This is to the pricks
that ever doubted my talent

I'm fucking famouser than you
so it should be apparent

Every single dick
that ever said I was shit

Will be choking on their words
when I'm spitting the hits

I'm getting absolutely everything
that I ever wanted

If you're a legend like me then you
might as well flaunt it

I got a gold record like an
over-achiever

I bought a gold car and a golden
retriever

I jump to the front
I don't know what a queue is

Got a throne in my home
that I bought from John Lewis

All of my clothes
are Abercrombie & Fitch

They don't even fit me
but I'm famous, bitch

# I am a millionaire
I live without a care

# I'm so well known, I'm fully grown
This is all my own hair

# I got the perfect pitch

# I sunk your battleship

# I've got the fame, you know my name

# I'm fucking famous, bitch! #

Uncle Andy? Mm?

Would you still be happy
if you weren't famous?

I've tried living the life of
an anonymous rock star

and it ain't pretty.

Do you know, next week I've got
an interview at Carpet Brothers.

Carpet Brothers! That's how close
my life was to being over.

Every single music executive

that has ever turned me down
is going to be at that party

and I can't wait to see the look
on their faces when Mo Khan

shows US off like his new girlfriend
with the big, massive tits.

And, yes, they are real.

But do you know
the best part about this is?

We're going to be doing this
together.

What were you talking to Mo about
when I wasn't in the room?

Planetariums.

Ha! What a couple of dorks!

What do you think?

You look like a vicar.

I look like a domino.
I look like a sexy, sexy domino.

People love dominos.

Domino's Pizza, Fats Domino...

I don't think it's a good idea

buying an expensive suit
just for one night.

You said you were broke. So you'll
be chipping in your pocket money.

No way. That's for the planetarium.
What's more important?

Us looking good on the most
important night of our lives

or going to some planet aquarium?

Yep?

I told you not to answer
if I called. Sh!

Why did you call then?

To see if you'd answer.
How's Roly? Is he missing me?

Have you been to the
black hole exhibit?

The little fella
had some bad sushi last night.

We're kind of taking it easy today.
Ugh...

Oh, no, does he want me to come
home? I can be there in 45 minutes.

Sh! You shush! No, he's fine.
I've got it under control.

How are things with you?

Great, it's really relaxing.

I have to find my tree tonight
and bond with it,

so I'll basically just be hugging
a giant wooden penis.

SH! Ohh...

Well, watch out for splinters.

Better run, Roly's sushi looks like
it's coming up for an encore.

Ugh! Bye.

Sh!

Errol!

This is stupid.

I feel like a ventriloquist's dummy.

This is marketing. We're a band.

That's like being in the cool gang.

You look like a tiny ringleader.

Those people shouldn't be smoking
cigarettes. It's a fire hazard.

Don't worry.
They're not smoking cigarettes.

How long do we have to stay?

As long as it takes to get
a signed recording contract.

Kaboom! Look who just walked in.

Y'all look like
two swagged-up lion tamers.

So, how'd the talk go?

We've discussed it and...

The Bear Maximum is ready
to sign on the dotted line.

Wow, I... don't know what to say.

Just say yes.

Hey. Hey!

Errol, Andy, this is Fresh Keyz.

Fresh is THE hottest producer
right now.

Tell 'em who you just
got out the studio with.

Dizzee. And now he's bonkers!

Nice to meet you, Fresh.

My name's Andy King. I'm the
lead vocalist and song-writer.

Yeah, I'm familiar with your work.
Really?

I caught one of your gigs.
Really liking those lo-fi sounds.

I could... FRESH kiss you right now.

This is the kid I was telling you
about. He's like a mini Mozart.

I hope not. Mozart died
at the age of 35.

Someone's been on Wikipedia too much.

Beats and brains. I love it.

Rol-dog, let's leave
these sound nerds to it, huh?

Want to check out
the ice-cream bar I had put in?

No can do. He's lactose intolerant.

It's OK, Uncle Andy.
I'm sure they'll have sorbet.

Man, you have got to tell him
before it gets embarrassing.

What are your views
on digital versus analogue?

Well, digital's very cool right now,
but analogue...

Sex on the beach?

Whoa, don't mind if I do.

I'll be right back! No, it...

Welcome to the VIP room.

Your coconut, sir. Thank you.

These are the hit makers.

I invited guys from MTV, XFM,
Radio 1, Radio 2, even Radio 4.

They begged.
They're all here for you.

You're my King Kong. I discovered
you and now I'm bringing you home.

Didn't King Kong die at the end?

But he climbed the Empire State
Building first. Hey, look.

We even made T-shirts.

Guys, listen up.

I haven't been this excited
about a new act

since I caught a flash
of Florence's "machine".

Forget Bieber, forget Kanye.
I give you...

Errol!

Shelly, wait! Did you follow me here?

No. Actually, me and Errol were
personally invited here by Mo Khan.

Yeah, right. You can't come up with
a better lie than that?

No, it's true.
I think he's going to sign us.

Well, good for you.

You deserve it
for being such a great guy!

Shelly, what are you doing here?
Since when were you a waitress?

Since a friend told me there was a
catering spot at a Rage party.

And because, if you'd spent

one second listening
while we were together,

you'd have heard me
talk about MY dreams

of becoming a signed recording
artist. Oh, mini pizzas.

Shelly, wait! I can help.
Let me introduce you to Fresh Keyz.

He's this hotshot producer.

Oh, my God. You'd do that for me?
That's so sweet.

I mean, I'm sure you won't expect
anything in return,

like pathetic make-up sex,
now, would you?

I was thinking more "hot and steamy",
but I'll take "pathetic".

You're making this tough-love thing
really hard.

I know. I'm sorry.
I'm having Roly withdrawals.

Can you put him on, please?
I need to hear his voice.

What's that drumming?

It's supposed to guide me to
my special tree,

but it's doing my head in. Where are
you? It sounds like a party.

Er, no. That's just
my surround sound.

Watching The Hangover. Vegas, baby!

Errol's brushing his teeth right now,
he can't talk now. Bye. Andy?

Oh, there you are.

What kind of amp do you use?

I'm guessing you're a vox man,
right?

Erm, yeah. No, em... Marshall.
Have you seen Errol?

I'm sure Mo's taking good
care of him.

You could trust him with the royal
baby.

What's going on in there?

Oh, just boring stuff.

You can't go in there.

It's VIP only.

If Errol's a VIP, I'm V-VIP.

Seriously. I can't let you in there.
He'll kill me.

Fresh. What the fuck's going on?

Look...

..my name's not Fresh.
It's Norman.

I'm an intern.

Mo asked me to keep you occupied.

Occupied from what, Norman?

Who wants to hear what the
kid can do?!

What's going on here?

I'm sorry, Mo. I tried to stop him!

You're fired.

Dude, you were going to find out
sooner or later.

I'm not signing you.

Fine. Come on, Errol.

No. I'm not signing you.
I am signing him.

That's crazy, right? Errol?
That's crazy, yeah?

Sorry. I just can't sell this drunk
Elvis thing you've got going on.

But everyone loves Elvis.

Young, cool Elvis. Not peanut butter
sandwich, dead on the toilet Elvis.

You're not current
and you're definitely not cool.

Uncle Andy, wait!

You knew the whole time, didn't you?

I wanted to tell you.

It's just with all the money,
I can buy you a record label.

And with Mum and Dad,
I can fix everything.

I just want everyone to be happy.

I hope you're happy now.

Um, this is a song I wrote
called Silent Killer

Already sounds like a hit!

# Now we've all been told,
Don't mix raw meat with your veg.

# Wash your bits, pits and teeth

# And your hands on the reg

# Wipe down all surfaces after
the slaughter

# And rinse your cutting boards
with warm soapy water

# Now you might ask,
What's a little blood splatter?

# Well, Health and Safety
is no laughing matter

# Unless you want Salmonella E coli,
Listeria and pink eye... #

Shelly, you like my music right?

Not now, Andy.

No go on it's important. Please.
You'd buy my album right?

Honestly? It's not really my thing.

But I wouldn't throw it away.

I mean my nan's got me every
Susan Boyle album

and I've kept them all.

Great.

I'm, fucking, Su-Bo.

# Sushi grade tune is the only
kind of raw fish

# Anyone should ever try to have in
a raw dish

# Otherwise louses rip off your
tongue,

# While nematodes go swimming round
in your lung

# Toxoplasmosis - you're a zombie
slave to cats

# And bubonic plague
that's what you catch from rats

# And evil chickens
they're the worst of the bunch,

# Plotting and planning on how to
spoil your lunch

# So don't accept meat from
a dodgy looking fella

# Better yet, don't eat,
so you won't get salmonella. #

Errol, everyone! Wasn't that great?

Smells like a number one.

More like a number two.
What the hell was that?!

I heard someone clapping.
That was Radio 4!

Don't you know any Bieber?
You said I could do my own songs?

Yeah, if they were about kissing
girls and sexting,

not kitchen hygiene!

Now play something cool.
Kitchen hygiene is cool.

Not if you want to go platinum.

Now, are you going to play
something else or what?

I don't want to go platinum.

I want to go to the planetarium.

Errol!

Rol-dog!

I'm current.
Everything moves in cycles.

Bieber's just the new David Cassidy.

Oh, you don't even fucking know
who David Cassidy is.

Partridge family. '70-'74.
Best TV band.

Aside from The Monkeys.
Obviously.

Davey Jones.
Yeah, he was the shit.

This is all my fault.

I was the one who checked out
your demo and recommended it to Mo.

I tried telling him
that you guys were a good package,

but he was only
interested in the kid.

You recommended our demo?

Yeah. I thought it was solid.

I'd buy your album.

Hi, Mum.

Have you brushing your teeth
that whole time.

I keep telling you, two minutes is
enough. Mum, what makes you happy?

New shoes and a comfortable bra.

I'm joking. You make me happy.

Me? Why?

Because you alphabetise all my
books,

and you tell me if I'm wearing too
much make-up,

and you write the funniest
birthday cards,

plus you're really good at picking a
ripe avocado,

and you help me finish crosswords
I have no business finishing.

And because...

..you are the only thing
in this world I know I got right.

Night, Mum.
Night, sweetheart.

That's it, then.

I'm just going to work in
Carpet Brothers and slowly die.

No, man. You're a musician.

People need to hear your music.

So, what you're saying is,
I'm not Carpet Brothers material.

Hey, man. Have you seen Errol?

Yeah, he's about this tall
with no sense of loyalty.

No, seriously. He ran out on me and
I've been looking for him

for like half an hour.

Then who's watching him?

Mo, you have come with me.
This kid's being hilarious.

Errol, what are you doing?

Oh, hi, Uncle Andy.
I've invented a new dance style.

Andy, what's going on?

Errol, get off the floor
you're going to get dirty.

Who cares about a few germs,
we're all germs really

if you think about it.

Your face looks like a Furby.

If I didn't know any better I'd
say he's completely...

Off his tits, yeah.

Errol, darling, has anyone given you
anything to drink or eat?

Only breath mints from Mo's desk.

Didn't taste very nice though.

I keep my E in a mint tin.

What?!

Yeah. Your nephew's tripping
balls on Ecstasy.

Errol, how many mints did you have?

One, two, three, infinity.

Want to watch me move through the
Higgs field?

Higgs Bos-on!
Higgs Bos-off!

Damn! Kid's going to be
a legend after this.

What the hell man!?

You were supposed to be
looking after him!

He's not my kid!

What do we do?

Thanks.

Any news?

He's in recovery now. The nurses
says he's going to be fine.

We can go and see him
in a little while.

This is going to blow
the custody case.

This happened on my time, Andy.
My watch.

I trusted you to take care of him.

I know. I'm sorry.

I'll do whatever it takes to make
this better, I promise. How?!

It wasn't my fault.

Who keeps their drugs in a mint tin?

Who takes a 12-year-old to
a party with drugs!?

I can explain.

Ben, wait!

Excuse me.
The family can come through now.

No, not you. You're not going
anywhere near my son.

Sam?

Just go home, Andy.

Shelly...

..where are you going?

Home.
You could stay?

I never thought I'd say this,

but I think out of everyone

you probably hate me the least
right now.

Andy, I'm used to being the crazy
one in a relationship,

but you, you just blow me out the
water.

But it wasn't my fault.

It was a little bit your fault.

Hey. How are you feeling?

Good. No lasting brain damage.
But I'm still keeping an eye on it.

Are you back at school yet?

Yeah. They made me
a gluten free cake.

Is everyone this nice
when you have an overdose?

I wish.

Do you know of the verdict yet?

No. Your mum said three.

When can I come over
and play video games?

Mr King?

Look, I've got to go. Bye.

Would you say you
work well with others?

Definitely. People love me.

At school I was voted most likely
to start a cult.

What would you say is like the
toughest choice

you've ever had to make?

Whopper or Big Mac.
I still can't decide.

One of them flame grilled,
the other one's a double patty.

It's like Sophie's Choice in a way,
isn't it?

You've been working as a babysitter.
How did that come about?

I got that gig through
a family connection.

I can't handle kids, personally.
Don't have the patience for them.

I know what you mean.

It's weird, one minute you want to
throw them in the river

tied to a bag of rocks, the next
minute you find yourself...

..doing the most ridiculous things in
order to make them happy.

Excuse me.

Objection!

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

We're in the middle of a
hearing.

Your honour, that's my sister
sitting right there.

And she doesn't deserve to have her
boy taken away because of me.

I'm the fuck up.

I'm a 31-year-old nobody
musician

who can't
hold down a job or a relationship.

I lie for fun,
I hurt everyone I care about.

I've used a sock as toilet paper...

on more than one occasion.

I'm a shabby battering ram

and it's my fault Errol ended
up in hospital.

It was my fault and my fault alone.

Don't punish Sam cos of my mistakes.

She's a great mum
and he's a great kid.

He's taught me how to de-scale
a kettle,

the correct way to fold T-shirts.

He's just taught me the meaning of
"homo erectus"

and it's not what you
think it is.

I swear I won't go near that
kid again.

Just don't ruin his childhood
because of me.

He was just starting to get normal.

Um. The defence rests.

Andy, wait!

I'm sorry. That was a bad idea.

I think I've just made things
a lot worse.

Roly? What are you doing here?

You wouldn't return my calls.

Sorry, mate. The restraining order...
Doesn't say anything about calling.

Seriously, you should go.
I mean, 200 metres.

We're already breaking the law
as it is.

Since when do you
care about the law?

I'm taking the bus home now,

so if you factor in traffic,
road works, delays,

that could easily give us an hour.

An hour for what?

So... how are you doing?

Yeah. Shared custody isn't that bad,
really.

Mum and Dad are in better
moods now.

Oh, I made a new schedule.

Oh, yeah.

It's good seeing you.

Yeah.

Whatever.