Uncle (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Mind the Cracks - full transcript

'Dear Gwen,

'I had an amazing
dream last night.

'We were having
a picnic by a waterfall.

'You made us ham
and pickle sandwiches

'and I told you they
tasted better than Pret,

'which you thought was funny
even though I wasn't joking.

'You said I looked handsome and
I sang you a song with my guitar,

'which was weird because I didn't
remember bringing a guitar,

'but that's dreams for you.

'Then we made love
in loads of positions

'but mostly doggie style cos
I know that's your favourite.



'I woke up after that.
Now all I remember is the pain.

'I miss you, Gwen.

'I can't go on without you

'And that's why...

'I've decided to kill myself.

'Love, Andy.'

HE TUNES RADIO

MUSIC: "Cheeky Song"
by The Cheeky Girls

DRAMATIC OPERA MUSIC

MOBILE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

ANSWER MACHINE: Hi, this is Andy,
leave a message after the...

HE BELCHES

Andy? Are you there? Pick up.



If you're listening to this

and not answering,
I disown you as my brother.

That's it. I'm hanging up
in ten, nine,

eight, seven, six, five,

four, three and a half,
three, two, one...

This better be good. Shit!
Thank God you're there.

What took you so long? Nothing.

Just watching porn. OK, TMI.

Right, can you pick Roly
up from school for me? Who?

Errol? Your nephew.
Oh, right, Errol.

Uh, yeah... No! Shit, Andy. When
have I ever asked you for anything?

Exactly, so why start now?

THEY HUSH EACH OTHER

Because I've called every
responsible person I know

and they're all busy.
Come on, please, I'm begging you.

I'm actually going to hang up now.
Andy, wait! Wait!

Wait, please. Please.

Listen, I've just got out of class
and there's no way I can pick him up

and get him to football on time.

So he misses football. Big deal!
Yes, it's a huge deal, actually!

He misses football and his
dickhead dad finds out,

it could ruin the custody case.
Oh, come on.

Have you really got
anything better going on?

ELECTRICAL FIZZING

MUSIC: "(Don't Fear) The Reaper"
by Blue Oyster Cult

BELL RINGS

Hey.

Hey, little fucker.

Hi, there. Can I help?

Uh, hello, Miss.
I'm here to pick up Errol.

I'm his uncle.

Really? I've not seen you before.

You could just be some weirdo

looking to steal young
boys, for all I know.

Sorry, I'm joking.

Your sister called
to say you'd be coming.

I couldn't resist.
Roly, your uncle's here for you!

I didn't know Roly had an uncle.
Are you two close?

Yeah, yeah. We're like best mates.

I'm like a second dad to him.

Take him out for pizza
all the time...

I thought he was allergic to wheat.

He is, but I know a little place
that is wheat-free all the way.

Right. He reminds me
a lot of myself at that age.

I mean, not as good looking,
obviously. Obviously.

Takes his time packing, doesn't he?

THEY CHUCKLE AWKWARDLY

So, what do you do? I'm a musician.
Oh, musical family.

Roly's quite the piano player,
isn't he?

Is he? I mean, yes, he is..

I mean, I taught him everything
I know, so he should be.

So, what do you do?

I'm a teacher. Oh, yes, of course.

Just checking!

Hey, mate. Up top!

That is classic Roly.
He is always missing the high five.

My name's Andy, by the way. Melodie.

Melodie? That's got
a nice ring to it.

Bye...Bye, then.

Come on, I haven't got all day.

IN HIGH, GRATING VOICE:
"Hi, Uncle Andy.

"Thanks for picking me up.

"I'm sure you've got lots
of more important things

"to be getting on with."
Why couldn't Mum pick me up?

Because she's dead. I've come
to take you to identify the body.

That's not funny.

Well, I'm only a chauffeur,
I'm not a bloody comedian.

Come on!

Do you mind?
I'm allergic to cigarettes.

Since when? Since my whole life.

So, Roly... Don't call me that.

Fine, Errol. Are you
any good at football?

You don't have to do this.
Do what? Make small talk.

We could just not talk. Fine.

That's absolutely fine by me.
We'll just sit in silence.

That's great.

We'll just sit here in silence,
not talking.

OK, what are you doing?

I'm counting how long it'll take you
to start talking again.

Yeah, great. OK, brilliant.
We don't need to do small talk.

Let's jump straight
into the big stuff.

Do you have a girlfriend?

No. You have to be in love
to have a girlfriend.

Let me tell you about love.

When you're in love, it feels
like you're walking on water,

and then you realise,

"Oh, hang on, I'm not
walking on water,

"I'm actually drowning."

Then a shark bites off your foot
and you go, "AH! AH! MY FOOT!"

Then another shark comes along

and it goes straight
for your cock and balls!

And you're going "Save me!
Somebody, save me!"

Then a seagull plucks you out
of the water and you think,

"I'm saved! I'm saved!"

and then he drops you
on to the jagged rocks

and you explode like
a rotten watermelon

and there's blood and guts
and broken bones everywhere

and you think "Well, at least
it couldn't get any worse."

And then that is when the hyenas
come along and eat you up

and you know what you end up
being then, Errol?

Do you know what you end
up being then?

Just a steaming pile of hyena shit.
That's love.

You want to lighten up, mate.

Get some of that down you.
No, thanks.

As your uncle, I command you.

Uncle(!) What's so funny about that?

When's my birthday?

June... J-Ju...

March 2nd.

Fine! I'm no good
with dates and details

but I'm good at the big stuff.

What's my middle name?

Come on. This one's easy.

Is it Errol?

You think my name's Errol Errol?

All right, fine.

You think that I have shown

a distinct lack of interest
in your life up till now

and you'll be right.

I find you incredibly
tedious and dull.

But what have you ever done
that's interesting?

That's the problem with kids today -

they think everything
they do is interesting.

"Oh, look at me
with my cool allergies

"and my-my...wheelie backpack."

What's interesting about that?

Nothing! I'm a musician.
That's interesting.

My dad says "musician" is just
another word for "unemployed."

Your dad's hardly an altar boy.

Do you even know
how your parents met?

They met through their dealer.

His name was "Eclypse",
if memory serves me correctly.

What do you mean by "dealer?"

You know, drug dealer.
Like a pharmacist?

Yeah, like a pharmacist. Like a
pharmacist who borrows your DVDs.

MOBILE RINGS

You can't answer while driving,
it's illegal.

Hello?

Hey, how are my two favourite boys?

Yeah, we're getting on
like a fucking house on fire.

Oh, that's great. Listen -
little change of plan.

I thought I'd be done by now

but I have a meeting
with my professor.

So, um, do you mind bringing
Roly home after the game?

TYRES SCREECH

Shit! I know, I'm really sorry.
I'll make it up to you, I swear.

Yeah, that's absolutely great.
Yes. Um, bye. Thank you.

Fucking hell!

Get out the car. Hi.

That-that wasn't my fault...
Get out of the car now.

It was his fault.

What?! No, it wasn't!

Yeah. He covered my eyes while
I was driving. I couldn't see.

Kids, eh? Are you a family man?
Get out

or I'll pull you out.

OK, well...

You take a couple of steps back
and then I can get out the car

and we can discuss this
like a couple of civilised...

Oi! Fuck off, you fuck-faced fuck!

Stop that car!

Fucking wanker!

I'm telling mum about this.
She's going to kill you.

Yeah, not if I beat her to it.

Come on! Someone get on him!

That's it, take him! Take him!

Nice dive, Tom Daley!

Boo! Save it for the Oscars!

Suck it up, you pussy!

Oh, look, it's Wayne Puny!

I've seen better ball handling
from a priest!

Yellow card for time wasting!

Red card for being shit!

We're not being too harsh, are we?
Nah, it's character building.

Which one's yours, then?

Uh...that one.

That's my little girl, Tiffany.
Isn't she something?

Yeah, she's certainly something.

Can I have some water, please?
I'm really parched.

What's this?

"Ask a stranger for water day?"
Get your own water!

I feel sorry for his parents.

Do you fancy a smoke?

Oh, no, my wife made me
give up the ol' cigarettes.

No. I mean like a "smoke".

WHISTLE BLOWS

This is exactly what I needed.

Happy to help.

Do you know what we are?

What? We're the cool dads.

Yeah, that's what we are.

It's Bruce, by the way.

Andy. So, what do you do, Andy?

I'm a musician.

What? No way! Rock 'n' roll, man.

Have I heard anything of yours?

You know the CottonCare
toilet paper adverts?

Yeah! With the giant stuffed bears
having that pillow fight?

Yeah, I wrote the jingle for that.

That's cool. Yeah, it is.

What do you do?

I have the greatest
job in the world.

You're a porn star?

All right, second greatest job.

I'm a stay-at-home dad.

So, Tiffany,
she's yours then, is she? Yep.

That big blonde Viking girl
over there is yours? Yep.

How does that work, then?
I'm her step-dad.

But do you know why they
call it a step-dad? No, why?

Cos I'd step in front
of a bus for that girl.

I don't think I'd step in front
of a slow-moving bike for anyone.

Oh, wheelie backpack, nice.

I've been thinking of
getting Tiff one of these.

PHONE RINGS

It's Gwen!

Hello? Gwen?

Gwen? Hello?

What the fuck? Hello, Gwen?

Uh... I've got to go.

Come on! Let's go.
But the game's not over.

Fine. I'll give you 20 quid.

Ah! My leg! It's broken.

It's broken! I think it's my fibula!

Oh, no! Not your fibula!

Weak fibulas run in our family.

I better take you to a hospital.

Make way!

He's deceptively heavy!

Get in!

Where are we? I thought you
were taking me home. Wait here.

I'll be back in a few minutes.
Take me home or I'm telling Mum.

Fine. Tell her what you like.

CRYING: "Mummy!

"Uncle Andy touched
my special equipment."

Special equipment?

You twisted little...
Fine, if you tell her that

then I am going to show her this!

That's not mine.
Yeah? It was in your bag.

I was keeping it for a friend.
Give it back. No!

Well, you can tell your friend
the lady parts don't go on the front

like a coin slot,

but asides from that,
ten out of ten for accuracy.

Now, you wait here
like a good little boy

and I will give you that back.

I hate you.
And I hate you too, munchkin.

Here you go.
Brush up on your anatomy.

Happy birthday, mate.

Where do you think you're going?

Please let me in. My dad's in there.

Sorry, son. No kids allowed.

Andy, what are you doing here?!
What am I doing here?

You're the one who phoned me.

That was a mistake.
I was trying to delete your number.

I call it a sign. Yeah, a stop sign.

We had a fun few months
but it is over.

Is this because of the sex tape?

Look, I messed up but you
understand, I was hammered.

Me and the boys were
playing truth or dare.

They dared me to put it online.
They dared me!

How did they even
know about the tape?

Well, that was the truth question.

It's not like you could
see your face

and it was hardly a flattering
angle for me either, so...

God, I've missed you.
We're not back together, Andy.

But we were great together. Were we?

I mean, OK, the sex was...

surprisingly good but I thought
there'd be more to you.

Some secret layer of maturity
hidden under all...that.

I'm mature.
I watch the Culture Show.

Come on, Gwen.

I love you.

You need to leave before
my dad sees you here.

I'm not going anywhere
until you take me back.

HE GRUNTS

Come on, Gwen.
Just give me one more chance.

No. Look at you.

You're just too irresponsible.

Daddy! Sorry. I had to let him in.
That boy can cry.

Give me back my drawing.

Andy, is this your...son?

Y-yes, that's who he is.

He's my son.

What's your name, darling?
Romeo. His name's Romeo.

Isn't it? Romeo?

Do you mind if me and Romeo
just go over here

and have a little chat?
Is that..? Yep, good.

OK, I'm going to give you
your drawing back,

but you've got to promise me you're
going to keep this "daddy" thing

going for a little bit longer. Deal?

Deal. What is Meatloaf Junior
doing in my club?

It's OK, Dad.
Everything's under control.

Hello, Mr Pearson.
You're looking lovely today as ever.

She's too good for you,
do you hear me?

Please, not in front of my boy.
Dad! Let him go.

You hurt my little girl and I will
cut your dick off with a spoon.

Do you understand? Yes, I-I-I do.

Dick. Spoon.

You OK? Yep. Thank you.

Well, then...

I think he's, uh,

starting to like me.

I don't understand. I've been
to your flat loads of times.

Where have you been hiding him?

Well, every time
that you'd come over

I'd send him off
to my sister's place.

Seemed like the
responsible thing to do.

But why didn't you just tell me?

Who wants to go out
with a single dad?

All that responsibility.
Cooking him meals,

taking him to football practice

and helping him with his homework,

looking for monsters under his bed.

It just seems like so much...

Responsibility? Responsibility,
yeah.

What happened to his mum?
She died in childbirth.

Shit. Yep, his head was too big.

Ripped her apart like wet paper.

I had to stay strong for him,
though. Didn't I, little guy?

This explains so much.

I thought there was something weird,

like you had half a
personality or something,

but I know now.
You were hiding this huge thing.

You thought I had half a
personality?

You must be bored listening
to us adults talk.

Do you want to go in the office
and watch some cartoons?

He'd love that, wouldn't you, Romeo?

No, I hate cartoons.
They give me a headache.

He's kidding. We watch South Park
together all the time.

Isn't he a bit young for that?

That's right. We watch it on mute.
I want more ice cream.

Why don't you finish what
you've got there, champ?

WHISPERING: Get me another
scoop or I'll spill the beans...

..Dad. You two are so cute together.

MOBILE RINGS

I've got to take this.

Yes, what is it?

Where are you?

Um, I am stuck in traffic right now.

It looks like there's
been an accident.

I'm probably going to
be at least another hour.

Shit! You're joking.
You have to be home by six.

Roly's Dad is calling.
Just tell him to call back later.

If Roly misses his dad,
it'll break his routine.

Have you ever seen a 12-year-old
have an OCD meltdown?

It's not pretty, Andy.

Andy?! Fine, I'll get him
back on time. Thank you.

Who was that?

Just some mum trying
to organise a play date.

Mums, eh?

Oh, is that the time?
I better be going.

You know, listening to you
talk about being a dad...

It's actually pretty hot.
Yeah, I'd better go.

Wait, what? Yeah.

Tell me about it.

Well...

..he's the greatest thing
that ever happened to me.

Does he make you want
to be a better man?

Yes, he does. He makes me
want to be Prime Minister.

Or, at the very least,
the Mayor of London.

You've had to sacrifice
a lot for him, haven't you?

So, so much. But it's all worth it.

You know why?

Tell me.

Cos no matter what I do
with the rest of my life,

he is my greatest achievement.

How's the ice cream?

It's OK.

I prefer soy ice cream, though.

It's funny, you don't
look like your dad.

That's because the
ugly gene is recessive.

I think we're going to get on.

Why do you dress like that?
This is how I feel comfortable.

Don't you feel comfortable
in what you're wearing?

No, this school uniform
gives me a rash,

but I know what you mean, though.

I have this pair of pyjamas that
I like so much, I had my mum buy
seven pairs of them,

one for every day of the week.

Uh, I mean my dead mum.

How did your parents meet?

Their pharmacist introduced them.

His name was Eclypse.

Are you married? No.

I used to be.
To Gwen's mum? Mmm-hmm.

Did she divorce you
because you dress like a lady?

You ask a lot of questions.
You skip a lot of questions.

You ready to go, kiddo?
In a bit of a hurry.

Where've you two been?

Just went outside for a smoke.

I love smoking.

Your fly's undone.

Can I have a word?

It's not what you think.
My flies are always coming undone

and I just think it's a
manufacturing problem... Shut up.

I know we've had our differences

but I also know how hard it
is being a single dad.

And I have to respect you

for the job you've done
on your little kid.

He's a good boy.

Maybe you're not the useless
prick I thought you were.

Thank you. Hmm.

But you still hurt my little girl
and I will rip your...

Dickspoon. yeah, I got you.
All right.

We have to go. Do you really?
We were having such a nice time.

Yeah, I know, but I've got
to get this one to a piano lesson.

Haven't I, Maestro?

Don't touch me.

Boundary issues.
When can I see you again?

Well, that depends.

How committed are you to changing?

I'll show you how committed I am.

Gwen...

..marry me.

I'm not his son!

He paid me to say I was.
Don't listen to him.

And my name's not Romeo,
it's Errol!

What sort of a stupid name is Errol?

He's just angry his mum couldn't
pick him up from school.

You told me his mum was dead?
She is.

That's part of the problem.

DAAAAAD!

♪ Gwen

♪ Do you remember when

♪ We were more than friends?

♪ Do you remember when..?

♪ Every time that you'd get cold

♪ I'd put my coat
around your shoulder

♪ I'd pick you flowers
in a bunch

♪ And buy you tampons every month

♪ I rubbed your shoulders
when they hurt

♪ I helped you finish your dessert

♪ I flushed that spider
down the bath

♪ I punched my dick
to make you laugh

♪ I'd compliment you on your dress

♪ I'd shut your mouth
when you got stressed

♪ I'd buy you drinks
and get you drunk

♪ I'd even clean up my own mess

♪ Gwen!

♪ Do you remember when

♪ I was your best boyfriend?

♪ Oh, take me back again

♪ Oh, Gwen

♪ Oh, Gwen, Gwen, Gwen, Gwen

♪ I took you on the Ferris wheel

♪ I let you pay for half the meal

♪ When you were looking very hard

♪ I helped you find your credit card

♪ I fixed your teapot that I broke

♪ I tried to listen when you spoke

♪ I said that I was in the wrong

♪ And then I wrote
this fucking song

♪ Gwen!

♪ I think I got the bends

♪ Have there been other men?

♪ Do you remember when..?

♪ Oh, Gwen, Gwen, Gwen, Gwen

♪ Gwen!

♪ It doesn't have to end

♪ It's something we can mend

♪ Do you remember when..?

♪ Oh, Gwen, Gwen, Gwen,
Gwen, Gwen ♪

Can you take me home now?

Make your own way home. Hey!

You can't just leave me!

Do you know what you've just done?

You just ruined my last
chance at happiness.

But you lied to her.

IN GRATING VOICE:
"But you lied to her."

So what?! Everyone lies.

All the time. You lied.

You lied about your leg,
you lied about the drawing.

Do you want the truth?

The truth is no-one's
got any time for you.

Not your mum, not your dad
and especially not me.

Why should I go out of my way
to keep the Little Prince happy?

You'll never be happy.

Do you know why? Because
it's all about yourself.

It's all "me-me-me-me".

Shit. Roly!

HORN HONKS

Here they are!
My two travellers, home at las...

Oh, shit! What happened
to your face?

Nothing. I just...

..ran into a goal post.

Well, come in.
Let me get you some ice.

So, did you two have a good time?

Look, Sam...

..before you hear it from Errol,

you should probably hear it
from me first...

We had the best time ever!

Uncle Andy even took me
for ice cream.

Did he? That was nice of him.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, quick. That'll be your dad.
Get it.

You'll never guess what.
What? You're pregnant again?

Fuck off. No, I've got
this amazing professor.

He gave me an "A" in my
compulsive behaviours essay.

He said it was incandescent.

Congratulations.
He definitely wants to bang you.

Oh, God, I hope so,
he's really, really fit.

Anyway, enough about me -
what did you two talk about?

Oh, nothing. Women, football.

Uncle/nephew-type stuff.

You know, you really
saved my life today.

Well, you'd do the same for me,
wouldn't you?

So, now uni's started again,

do you think you could help out
with Roly once in a while?

Yeah, if I'm still around.
Still around? Where are you going?

Nowhere. It's just
a figure of speech, isn't it?

Look, I'm going to give
that back to you

cos I don't really know
what I'm doing with it.

It's not really doing
anything for me

and I'm going to go.

Got a hot date?

Yeah, something like that.

Oo-ooh!

Thank you.

Yep. See you.

Andrew.

I prefer Andy, but what is it?

No. That's my middle name -

Andrew.

I was named after my uncle.

Oh.

Do you think you can remember that?

Yeah... I'll give it a go.

You still have my drawing,
by the way.

No, um...

I gave that back to you
at the club, remember?

No, you didn't.

You gave me this.

Then this must be yours,

you little pervert. Thank you.

Were you really going to... No.

No.

I was just messing around.

You'll find someone else, you know.
Yeah?

Is your teacher available?

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Thank you for picking me up.

You're very welcome. Here.

That's all right.

That's yours, you can keep that.
You've earned it. I know, but...

if you're going to pick me up again,

you're going to need to pay for
someone to clean up your car.

You're not going to get your
car cleaned, are you? No.

Mind the cracks.

MUSIC: "(Don't Fear) The Reaper"
by Blue Oyster Cult

♪ All our times have come

♪ Here but now they're gone

♪ Seasons don't fear the reaper

♪ Nor do the wind,
the sun or the rain... ♪