Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 9 - full transcript

[Kimmy laughs]

Howdy, Meth-Head Charlie!

She's mine!

[Kimmy laughs]

What a fun New York day
being a foodie with my roomie.

We had pizza, a Cronut...

A doughnut that I stole from a crow, yes.

...and then you did the Meg Ryan scene
at Katz's Deli!

Girl, that's just how I react
to sandwiches.

[dramatic musical sting]

[chilling music]



Stranger danger!

[Titus] Kim, Kim,

it's the cable guy.

Uh, evenin', folks.

I just need to get inside
so I can update the router.

This whole block is getting
a bunch of new channels for free.

[Titus] Ah!

[chuckling] Yeah.

Wait. Free?

Why would anyone give us
anything for free?

- [chuckles]
- If you're from the cable company,

why is there no logo on your shirt?

- Oh...
- And why does that bag look empty?

Also, how come your van
has Vermont plates?



And if you're updating the router,
where's your Urk Pad?

Oh, uh, my Urk Pad is in my bag.
[chuckles]

Liar! The Urk Pad is the machine
that sent Urkel to Paris.

You're not the cable guy.

Get out of here, you creep!

Fine!

You know what?
I was gonna murder you guys!

Are you happy? Huh?

Yeah, I was gonna put you both
in my freezer in Vermont!

That is what the bag was for!

God!

[pleasant music]

[engine roars]

[tires squealing]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[Bankston] ♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

That's gonna be, uh...

you know, a fascinating transition.

[singers] ♪ Damn it ♪

[upbeat music]

- Wow.
- [door slams]

A white guy just tried to kill us.

This neighborhood is changing.

Well, good thing I'm around
to spot creeps.

Good thing you were in the bunk...

[Titus yelps]

Don't ever say that!

You think it's a good thing
I'm so easily freaked out?

[shouts]

Yah!

- Get in the van, Kimmy.
- Never!

- Guess who!
- I don't like that!

[Dong grunts]

...is Cate Blanchett good,
or is she just tall?

- Ow!
- I'm gonna rip your beard off!

[both grunt]

[man grunts]

[man groans]

[Kimmy panting]

[exhales] Sorry.

Sorry, everyone!

Is your story over?
Can we watch TV now and you rub my feet?

- [TV chimes]
- Ooh!

HouseFlix just got Sliding Doors.

Huh. It's funny.

I was supposed to see Sliding Doors
after school the day I was kidnapped.

That is funny.

Women are funny, Kimmy!

[laughs] You know, I never got

to see Sliding Doors either,
and I really wanted to.

I could've yelled stuff
at the screen like,

"I know what door you're sliding
through, Gwyneth: nepotism."

Ho-ho, watch out, Tinseltown.

No one's safe from Titus!

But when that movie came out,

I was busy running away
from my wedding to go to New York.

My bus actually went through Indiana.

Girl, in another life,
we could've run into each other.

'Cause I know we met in a past life.

I was Genghis Khan,
and you were a horse I ate.

In another life, a lot of things
could've been different.

Maybe you'd be Asian.

But it's not up to us.

Life happens, and the only thing
we can control is how we deal with it.

But now you're free,
and we're finally watching Sliding Doors.

I'm gonna put on my PJs.

Don't start without me!

[echoing percussion]

[motor humming]

[Richard] What's the holdup?

Get that tan fan' in my van, ma'am.

It's just... I'm supposed
to go to the movies

with my friends after school,

but if I'm late and get detention,
I won't be able to,

so I can't show you
where the nursing college is.

I'm sorry, sir.

[Richard] Yeah, well, I lied
about you having a tan fan'.

That's a pale tail!

I'll find my own way to the nurses,

'cause men are good at maps!

[perturbed music]

[tires squealing]

♪ ♪

[pleasant music]

♪ ♪

Is this New York City?

Am I allowed to be gay now?

No and no.
We're in Durnsville, Indiana, sir.

[Randy] That's right.

Home of both the
"You Are Now Entering Durnsville"

and the "You Are Now
Leaving Durnsville" signs.

Some nursing students
went missing earlier,

and we gotta find 'em,

'cause there's doctors out there
that need wives.

How long are we gonna be here?

A couple hours, at least.
We gotta search every vehicle in town.

But I have an audition
for The Lion King tomorrow.

Oh, boy. [chuckles]

I hate to break it to you, buddy,
but they've already made that picture.

And it's cartoons.

[downtrodden music]

♪ ♪

[bus driver] Deviled eggs?

Have you been eating those
since Mississippi?

[Titus] Hmm, Sliding Doors?

I could kill time with a movie

if I can get a student
or senior citizen discount.

Officer.

How good are folks around here
at telling black people's ages?

Oh, the worst, old-timer or kiddo.

- [woman groans on-screen]
- [announcer] Mind the gap.

[Gwyneth Paltrow with English accent]
Hold that sliding door!

Ugh, bloody wanker! The door slid.

Nice accent, Goopy.

What part of Canada are you
supposed to be from, exactly?

Shh!

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

[warm music]

"Simon Thompson, key hairstylist"?

[chuckles] Well, that explains it.

He cut her hair with a key!

[Kimmy scoffs loudly]

For reals?

How could you not laugh once?
That movie was "turrble."

No, it wasn't!

I mean, sure, I know that's not
how life really works.

[scoffs] Like some random occurrence
changes everything.

But the rest of it...

London.

The life that Helen had.

Before she died twice? Yes.

But now,

after seeing that movie,
I'm gonna get out of here.

I'm gonna live in London like Helen

and work in PR!

Puerto Rico.

Wait, how did she...

You know, I'm also following a dream.

I'm on my way to New York City

because the Lion King musical
is having an open call tomorrow.

So you're a singer?

I started soloing in my church
when I was 12.

- ♪ The devil's face is white ♪
- [Titus snapping fingers]

♪ The devil's face is white ♪

♪ The pits of hell, they may be black ♪

♪ But the devil's face is white ♪

Not you, obviously. I'm sure you're nice.

I did a bake sale for apartheid
after Lethal Weapon 2 came out.

[Kimmy exhales happily]

Well, safe travels, old-timer or kiddo.

Maybe I'll see you again

if The Lion King ever comes to...

[with Italian accent]
a-London! It's-a nice-a!

Maybe.

♪ ♪

[exhales]

Thank goodness I saw Sliding Doors.

♪ ♪

Mr. Man. Where's Mr. Bus?

The same place my gun seems
to have got to: gone.

But all my stuff was on there.

I had a Backstage magazine
and a whole wedding cake.

Well, there's another bus
coming through around midnight.

♪ ♪

I have to be in New York by ten a.m.

Why did I see Sliding Doors?

[sighs]

- [hip-hop music]
- [sirens wailing]

[Diego] Hey, lady.

Listen, my regular lookout's
at her quinceañera.

You mind keeping an eye out for the cops?

Well, I'm already keeping an eye out

for that pit bull who ate
the bag of heroin,

but sure, okay.

♪ ♪

[man] Yo.

♪ ♪

Pretty good, pretty good.

♪ ♪

[hip-hop music intensifies]

[screeching] Caw!

Caw-caw! Caw!

Caw! Caw!

♪ ♪

[exciting music]

♪ ♪

[Titus yelps]

Why do people want to live here?

And that pigeon lady was not like
the one in Home Alone 2.

- Bleh!
- Please stop doing that, ma'am!

♪ ♪

[doors rattle]

No, no, no, no. [chuckles]

No.

No! No, no, no, no, no, no!

[sighs]

[humdrum music]

You'll never betray me, food.

♪ ♪

[stomach growls]

Et tu?[huffs]

[groans] Oh, I wish I only "et" two.

[whimpers] I "et" all of them!

- [Titus] Oof!
- [Jacqueline] Ugh!

[in Lakota] White idiot!

[in English] I mean...

[in Lakota] black idiot!

Ma'am, so sorry. I... [retches]

[Jacqueline yelps]

I have a job interview in 15 minutes!

[sighs sharply]

Oh, God! Send me a sign!

[groans]

[mysterious music]

[gasps]

That sign is a sign.

♪ ♪

[dramatic percussive music]

♪ ♪

Hey, uh, Lillian, right?

Thanks for your help earlier.
You make a mean drug lookout.

Oh, well... [chuckles]
I got eyes and a mouth.

And a butt.

We appreciate the help.

How would you like
to join the Effé-ten-cinco?

Me in a gang? I don't know.

I-I'm not really a team player.

Come on. What else you got going on?

Well, I was hoping to get some tenants.

I could use the income,
and I love meddling,

like, "Hey! It's ten p.m.! Quiet down!

If you got a ferret in there,
I'm calling three-one-one!" [snickers]

Well, the money's better with us.

Plus, Taco Tuesdays.

And most other days. We're a Latin gang.

Yeah?

All right, well, count me in.

- [chuckles]
- [chuckling] Ye... huh?

Eh, you'll figure it out. [laughs]

[hopeful music]

♪ ♪

So, Kimberly, did I like that movie, or...

No. [scoffs]

I mean, what?
A butterfly flaps its wings in the Amazon

and Ashton Kutcher wakes up
in his bed with no arms

instead of in my bed with no pants?

- [all laugh]
- This is what

I've been telling you bitches:
you are in control of your life,

not butterflies or your dumb baby.

But you said if I had a baby,
it'd be fun for the group.

My life wasn't perfect.

Do you know where my mom is right now?

Me neither.

I only ever hear from her
when she runs out of Camel Cash,

but I never let Lori-Ann stand in the way
of my own fabulosity.

Full scholarship to IU Durnsville.

Go, IUD!

Oink, oink, oink!

Valedictorian,

sorority president,

and I was voted Monster Sow
at this year's senior game.

[softly] Shh.

Guess who.

[giggles] Stop!

Oh, my God, Bryan.

Come here, baby.

- [squeals]
- Mm.

[smooching loudly]

- Baby, I missed you, baby.
- I missed you, baby.

- I missed you... you're my baby!
- No, I miss you. No, I miss you.

You're my baby.

- I was so worried about you.
- [laughs]

I just heard another girl got kidnapped
over at the nursing college.

You are so hot.
How have you not been kidnapped?

[chuckles] 'Cause I'm smart.

I mean, how are there 20 women
who'd let that happen to them?

- [crank creaking]
- [steam hissing]

Guys, um, does, like, someone
wanna be in charge?

You know, I think if just, like, one of us
maybe, like, stood up to him a little bit,

the Reverend wouldn't kidnap
so many of us.

[laughs nervously] Anyone?

Trish, you did Tae Bo, so, you know.

- Or maybe, like, I could...
- [woman sobbing]

Okay, you're right. Forget it.

Why don't they kill him or escape?
I mean, that's what I'd do.

You took that Tae Bo class.

[laughs] Try and get me, baby.

- Whoa! Huh, huh, huh!
- [giggles]

- [squeals]
- [laughs]

Bryan Pigslinger,

put me down- uh! [squeaks]

[inspiring music]

[Kimmy] So I learned to count on myself.

I worked the late shift

skimming diarrhea
off the tide pool at Splash Town.

I paid for my braces,

my textbooks,
my British Rosetta Stone CDs.

[with Cockney accent]
But it was bloody well worth it, innit?

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

As a philosophy minor,

I know that Adam Smith's
invisible hand of the market

rewards those who deserve it.

So if you don't succeed,

feel free to blame
Sliding Doors or butterflies

or your mom... or baby Gavin.

[classmate] Ooh.

But you should blame yourself,

because you're in control of your destiny.

When I was 14,
I decided I would live in London,

work in public relations,
and get David Spade's haircut.

Well, guess what.

Tomorrow I fly to London for my new job.

[cheers and applause]

Baby's... leaving?

[cheers and applause continue]

Unfortunately, not everyone is blessed

with the advantages I've given myself.

I'm speaking, of course,

of the 18 nursing students,

one York Steak House waitress,

and Durnsville's only girl scarecrow,

who have all gone missing since 1998.

In their honor, I will be releasing
20 rare Amazonian butterflies

donated by the biology department.

["Drops of Jupiter" playing]

- ♪ Now that she's back in the atmosphere ♪
- [all] Whoa!

♪ With drops of Jupiter in her hair... ♪

- [radio static crackles]
- [dispatcher] All units,

an APB for a windowless
gray 1991 GMC Creeper last spotted

on Boom Goes the Dynamite Kid Boulevard.

Matches the vehicle seen in the vicinity
of several recent kidnappings.

Hot diggity dog, that's right near here.

I can see the headline now:

"Rescues Cop Dyslexic Nurses."

♪ Tell me ♪

♪ Did Venus blow your mind? ♪

[shouts] Oh! Up close, they're horrible!

♪ And did you miss me ♪

- ♪ While you were looking ♪
- Ah!

♪ For yourself out there ♪

[Bryan] Baby!

[music fades]

[sighs] You know what, Gretchen?

I've been a Cosmetologist
for nine years now,

and all I've done is sign autographs
and do all of Tom Cruise's stunts.

[exciting music]

♪ ♪

[engine zooms]

[director] And action!

Titus, what are you saying?

I know I signed a contract,

but I don't think I can wait
999,999,991 years to get out of here.

Wow. I'm gonna chalk
that one up to the tiny aliens

that the sun shoots off of the moon
and into your dreams.

This is not about facts.
I'm just being emotional.

The church has been good for both of us.

Before Cosmetology,
I was selling my hair on the Internet

and dancing at a tops-only strip club.

Somebody should be down here
signing my head shots.

You wanna be a famous actor?

A year ago, this is exactly
what Greg Kinnear was doing,

but now he has an Oscar

for Sliding Doors 3, colon,
Jingle All the Door.

- [softly] Wow.
- That could be you someday,

if you put your faith in the Founder

and actualate your potentiality
through cashier's checks.

[door clatters open]

Tom Cruise needs you
to jump out of a helicopter

into another helicopter
that's full of eels.

[sighs]

Good-bye, Gretchen.

One way or another,
I'm not coming back here.

Yeah, we're thinking
this stunt is gonna kill you.

But it's for a remake
of War of the Worlds, so... worth it!

[inhales deeply]

[unsettling music]

[monitor beeping]

♪ ♪

The doctor said
I should read to you, so...

"Congratulations
on your purchase of nunchucks.

- To use your nunchucks"...
- [monitor beeping]

- Kimberly?
- [beeping continues]

Baby? Are you okay?

- [monitor beeping shrilly]
- Nurse!

Nurse, my baby's machines!

I'll be there in a minute.
It's just me here.

We've had such a hard time finding nurses

'cause of the whole
grabby-grabby, takey-takey.

- [Kimmy] Bryan?
- [beeping stops]

[disheartened music]

Hey.

[exhales heavily]

This isn't London, is it?

No.

♪ ♪

[Jacqueline gasps] Julian Voorhees?

The billionaire?

We met on a NetJets flight I was working,

and I locked it down old-school.

You're pregnant?

But after your mechanical bull accident...

- The doctors say it's a miracle.
- [sighs]

You're so lucky you work for NetJets.

I would've gotten that job

if I hadn't been covered in vomit
at my interview.

The richest guy I ever saw on Delta

was when we were transporting
the corpse of Spuds MacKenzie.

So you won't meet someone at work.
That's what the bar at The Pierre is for.

[sighs] I just feel like
the clock is ticking.

As a wise man once said,
35 is checkout time for women.

And honestly, it's getting harder
and harder to do that thing

where I put both feet in my mouth.

[man] Don't tell me
about New York real estate.

I put up buildings in every borough!

[Jacqueline] Mm.

Oh, he's a real estate developer.

- [man laughs]
- I swear on the Virgin Mary!

- [man] Yeah, right on.
- And a non-Jewish one.

[man laughs]

You know what to do, girl.

[exhales, sniffs]

[swanky piano music playing]

♪ ♪

[gasps] Oh! Clumsy me.

I'm so sorry.

Hey, don't apologize.

I love this,

'cause I'm so straight.

[laughter]

Oh, yeah? Prove it.

[door bangs open]

[Jacqueline panting]

Whoa, boy, that was... that was
so good and sexy,

but I-I gotta get up real early.

How about you get up right now?

Let's watch TV!

Richard Wayne Gary Wayne,

you are my...

The Apprentice.

[Richard] Fabulosity!

[man] You did a great job
with that fruit garden.

How'd you do that?

[Trump] I told you to get out of here.

But not you, Omarosa.

- [exciting music]
- [reporters clamoring]

Ms. Schmidt, Carla Tuesday, WDUR.

The DUR?

You were the golden girl of Durnsville...

top of your class,
on your way to a job in London.

So now what?

Well, I missed out on a year of my life.

Britney shaved her head.

Um... and no, this wasn't the plan.

But if I had gone to England,

I never would have known

how devoted my boyfriend, Bryan, was.

- [Carla] Oh.
- [chuckles]

My baby never left my side.

What an amazeballs love story.

You didn't just get hit
by a car, Kimberly.

You got hit by Cupid's arrow and a car.

[chuckles] It is amazing, Carla.

But right now, I'm just excited
to build a new dream life

right here in Durnsville, Indiana.

I've got a man who loves me

and a degree in communications, so...

what else do I need?

Plus, I'm on TV.

- [camera shutters clicking]
- [journalists chattering]

- [officer] Okay, let's go.
- [indistinct police radio chatter]

[officer] Yep, watch your head.

[hip-hop music]

Bless you boys.

I haven't been able

to find anyone to rent out my apartment

with all these gangy-bangers around.

Just doing our job, ma'am.

[car door slams shut]

[siren chirps]

♪ ♪

[Diego] Mama Lil'.

I know it was you who dropped a dime
on El Verizón.

I should be running this gang.

I kept the Banana Boys out of New York.

I got Mayor Bloomberg in my pocket.

Literally. He's tiny.

- [sucks teeth]
- Oh.

Who else knows I put him away?

Nobody. Not yet.

Mm.

[eerie music]

Diego...

you've been almost like a son to me

these past nine years.

- [gunshot]
- [grunts]

[Diego breathes shakily]

But I ain't got no family...

or, say, tenants

who, over time, would
become like family to me.

[hard rock music]

[wailing] Murder!

They murdered him!

Will this neighborhood never gentrify?

[gasps delicately]

[swanky piano music playing]

Hey, Jacqueline, I got your message.

Oh, Michael.

I didn't know how to tell you.
I'm pregnant.

I-it's mine?

What are you implying?

[whispering] You were my first.

Look, I'll do the right thing.

I've already picked out the ring,

I've applied to St. Clotilde's,
and I've practiced firing all the help.

[shouting] Because they're against me!

Wait, why are you dressed like that?

What's that giant belt
with all the dangly things?

You mean my tool belt? It's my tool belt.

Oh, and you're wearing it because
you're in the middle of taping an episode

of Undercover Boss.

[laughs] I wish!

I thought Mr. Durst was doing that

on the site the other day,

but he was just digging a hole
wearing a lady's dress.

I'm a construction worker.

You know that. I told you,

I put up buildings all over town.

[tightly] I thought you were
a real estate developer.

What about that suit you were wearing?

I was coming from a funeral.

- Oh.
- My Pupazza was killed by a woodpecker.

The wad of cash?

I always carry around
all my money in cash.

I don't trust banks because I build banks,
and they're not well-built.

That was... all your money?

Hey.

You don't gotta worry, okay?

I'm Catholic,

so I love doing things I hate.

♪ ♪

[shudders]

I know this isn't all romantic
like we're at San Gennaro

and I hid the ring
in a plate of sauge and pepps,

but will you marry me, Jacqueline?

Now all you gotta do is dye your hair
brown so we can get married in the church.

On our honeymoon, you're gonna
wanna go to Philadelphia

to see the Rocky statue, aren't you?

[laughing] Yeah, pal.

[TV announcer] Ooh, another crafty blast
by the Goshen Woodchucker.

It's sixes all around
as we go to the fifth quadrant,

and that'd be a tough
class ring to swallow

after the showing by the Hunt Duckers.

[lock clicks, door slams]

[announcer]
He's got Langbert in his sights.

And... ooh!

- A narrow miss...
- What the hell, Pigslinger?

You're not watching my segment?

[announcer] ...if you notice,
ever since he...

...a truck driver who could learn
something from this reporter:

you don't have to die in a car accident.

Reporting from the Durnsville Turn,

- I'm Kimberly Schmidt-Pigslinger. Fletch?
- [mouthing words]

[Fletch] Thanks, Kimberly.

[Fletch chuckles heartily]

It's too bad heaven is just a fairy tale,
and when you die, that's it.

Did you not have time to dust today,

- Donna Maria?
- Well, she had to make dinner...

again, because you were at work.

[gasps sarcastically] Oh, I'm sorry, baby.

I'll work less,

and your winnings on Ninja Warrior
can pay for our vacations to Houston.

Humans aren't meant to climb nets.

Twenty-three women
and one very fetching scarecrow

were found on the property of this man...

They found the nurses.

- ...Reverend Richard Wayne Gary Wayne.
- Ugh, look at that creep.

Anyone who gets in his van
deserves to be kidnapped.

But with a shave and a haircut...

- [anchor continues indistinctly]
- ...okay, I see it.

[anchor] ...while reflecting on it all.

Locked in a BunCo model
"It's the Apocalypse" bomb shelter...

Oh, my God.

NBC wants me to go live tonight
on the national news.

♪ Gonna be famous, gonna be on TV ♪

Thank God for stupid nurses!

[bleak guitar music]

♪ ♪

I can't believe

you dare put your shadow on my step.

I thought I was too big for this town.

Me and my damn fool dreams.

If I never run off, Auntie, I'd be able
to walk up there and hug you right now.

I ain't gonna turn you out. You're my kin.

But I ain't gon' lift a finger
to help you.

I can do it.

♪ ♪

[phone ringing]

Don't answer that!

What you so scared of, boy?

Sweep me into the house, Auntie.

I gotta hide.
There's some real bad men after me.

I can't go back to that place!

Well, you'll be safe here in this place.

This place... by the road.

♪ ♪

[intense electronic music]

What was the take last week, B?

- Only two Gs.
- Ugh.

I'm sorry, Mama Lil'. It's the economy.

Howard Dean. Not my president.

When are we getting new product?

I can't keep cutting our coke
with cat dandruff.

It's getting people too high!

[man] Yo, B, wait up.

[whispering indistinctly]

Señor Dentista called the cops
on our corner boys again.

Kill him.

Do it at exactly 2:30.

- Get it? [laughs]
- [chuckles flatly]

"Tooth-hurty"?

[laughs] His whole body's gonna hurty.

It's naptime!

- [children screaming]
- Drink your soda and go to bed!

- [child] No! No!
- Lexus, Pandora!

- Stop hitting Rolex.
- [Lexus] I hate you!

Oh, yeah? Well, I've hated you
since before you were born!

[children screaming,
TV playing indistinctly]

Oh, thanks for your help, Michael.

I hope you're better at watching holes
than you are your own kids.

You know I'm not a hole-watcher.

I'm a hole-watcher watcher.
That's for why we're poor.

Look at you.

At work, you just watch people
watch people work.

At home, you just sit there

and watch the Mets win
World Series after World Series.

You watch and you watch,
but you never do anything.

- I'm sorry, babe.
- [remote clicks]

[sarcastically] Oh, you're sorry.

Well, now everything's fixed.

I don't live in a basement
with five kids under the age of two.

I can pick up another shift.
I'll talk to Mr. Scarpone.

Oh, I already did.

The Scarpones are coming over
for dinner on Friday,

'cause I got plans for this family.

What do you mean "plans"?
And Friday dinner?

They're gonna be expecting real fishes,

not just a belt you drew a eel face on.

We'll get real fish!

This dinner is important, Michael.

I heard some of the other wives talking.

They're probably talking
about a different Mikey

who's always looking
at those magazines as a j-joke.

Mr. Scarpone is striking out on his own,
and he's looking for partners.

You could be a businessman,
like the LEGO guy with the tie!

You have the same shape head.

But, Jackie, that kind of thing
takes money!

- Ah!
- How did I end up with such a loser?

You have no imagination.

Oh, yeah? Tell that to my tattoo
of Garfield playing hockey.

Okay, party's over, honkies.

Oh, we're not having a party.
That's just baseline Italian shouting.

Yeah, well, I need youse all out of here.

I'm expanding my operation.

Gonna turn this place into a meth lab.

But we have nowhere else to go.

Please. We got four or five kids.

I let youse live here

because I thought it would be helpful
to have some potential hostages around.

It's been a year.

How many times have I actually
taken advantage of this?

- Four!
- Four. Not worth it.

Screw!

[door slams shut]

You better man up
and close the deal at dinner tomorrow.

Otherwise, we're gonna be
living on the streets.

Like a car?

[huffs]

Durnsville is ordinarily
a sleepy little town

due to runoff from the NyQuil factory.

Cyndee! Cyndee Pokorny.

Fire monster!

[pants] Oh, sorry.

I've never met a red-haired person before.

Does it hurt?

Cyndee, you were the first

of what I'm calling
the Indiana Worm Women,

and America wants to know:

was there weird sex stuff in the bunker?

[sobs]

I know exactly how you feel.

I was in a coma for a whole year.

Oh, no. I'm so sorry.

And when I woke up,

the first thing I thought was,

"Are my beloved pets
and relatives still alive?"

Has that occurred to you,

or is it happening right now,
on national television?

[shakily] I guess now?

Why didn't you ever try to escape?

I wanted to, but getting everyone
to agree was real hard,

and the nurses were cliquey,

so it was just me
and Strawfany the scarecrow.

Compelling stuff.

- [whimpers]
- What in the fuh?

[Donna Maria speaking Spanish]

[Bryan] So we were trying to do it

like they were doing it on the video,

- but then the ceiling fan broke.
- Bryan!

- [Donna Maria gasps]
- [Bryan] K-Kimberly?

What are you...

And Donna Maria?

All my friends are here.

You son of a bitch!

- How could you do this to me?
- [Bryan] Do what?

All you care about is your stupid career,

and Donna Maria likes hearing
my ATV stories!

You were the reason
I stayed in this shit town.

Because of our love story!

- Hey... ow!
- [grunts]

And I'm hotter than her!

You haven't seen me in action, baby!

[Kimmy grunts]

If you're just joining us,

what I'm calling the Indiana Worm Women
have been rescued,

and a local TV news reporter
will never work again.

For all of us here at NBC News,
I'm Soledad O'Brien,

reminding you that
the Purge begins at nightfall.

Stay safe, everybody.

Kimberly, let me explain.

Explain what?

I stood before God
and the Reverend Rik Smits

and took your stupid hillbilly name...

Hey! The Pigslinger name was invented
by my grandpa-dad as a brag.

But the whole thing was a lie,
and you were the liar!

I was in control of my life until you
tricked me into giving up on my dreams.

Oh, sure,
because none of this is your fault.

What does that have... You are not... I am...

We are having a conversa... Ah...

I can't th...

[as Lou Costello] Mm!

I'm supposed to be in England right now.

I'd be married to a lord,

and we'd live in a castle
that we have to open up to tours

because we can't afford the upkeep
and it's impossible to heat!

Well, I am sorry
I held you back, Kimberly,

but hey,

it's never too late
to fulfill your dreams.

You know what?

That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Because I'm in control of my destiny!

Forget the Radisson.

You can send the divorce papers
to Kimberly Schmidt,

London, Europe, Earth!

[dramatic music]

[light music playing]

♪ ♪

Wow, Mrs. Scarpone, I love your necklace.

It's Two Butts by Jane Seymour.

Rocco got it for me in one payment.

♪ ♪

Well, happy wife, happy life,
right, Mr. Scarpone?

That must be what keeps you
looking so young.

No, it's that I'm religious
about sunscreen.

And the Virgin Mary.
May Joseph never touch her.

I love how your shower is in your kitchen.

[snickers] In our home,

our showers are in our bathrooms.

And, of course, on Rocco's boat,
it's a chemical toilet.

Like on a bus.

Michael's always talking
about owning a boat someday.

Only 'cause I got the best boat name ever.

Mr. Boat.

It's a play on Mr. Met.

That's why we've been saving up
for the right business opportunity.

Well, look, I've been
meaning to mention this,

but, uh, I'm actually planning
on starting my own little business.

[gasps] The chances!

- Wow!
- What are they?

I'm so surprised, I made in my pants.

I just filed the paperwork
with the mob last week.

[Mimi sighs]

Business. Boring!

[Jacqueline mumbles indistinctly]

Shh. [giggles]

[Jacqueline] Michael,

isn't that just the kind of opportunity
you were looking for?

[Rocco] Look, Mikey,

I'd love to have you.
You're a good kid, you know?

And the hole-watchers say

they've never seen a man watch
another man with such interest.

'Cause of it's my job.

Right, but, uh, let's be real here.

I mean, the buy-in for a junior partner
is 25 Gs.

We're in.

Thank you, Mr. Scarpone.

We'll get you the money, I promise.

Right, Mikey?

[Mimi] ♪ Hot! ♪

♪ Sister! ♪

♪ Railroad fun! ♪

Mimi, sweetheart,
we're at dinner right now.

Just hit me! Do it!

I want you to! I wanna feel something!

- [siren wails]
- [Mimi sobs, laughs]

[nervous laughter]

Unbelievable.

They're not even pretending to move out.

Excuse me.

Do you folks know
where I could get my hands

on some of that meth
everyone's talking about?

I wanna take apart my dishwasher,

but who has the time?

Yeah, we... we're having
some production hiccups.

Could you come back next week?

Forget it. I'll just go back
to Amish Country.

Rumspringa over.

I am losing money every day
that apartment is not a lab.

They're just straight-up stupid,
disrespecting Mama Lil' like that.

Yeah.

Usually,

when someone disrespects me, I just...

...kill 'em! Kill 'em all.

- Of course.
- It's so obvious.

I am not a landlord. I'm a drug lord.

So we just pop them. Blap, blap!

If necessary, more blaps!

So you want me to call the boys?

Ah, you know, it's Taco Friday.

We'll do it tomorrow.

Our flight time from New York
to London Heathrow

will be six hours, 55 minutes.

Our first-class passengers are now welcome

to use their personal
entertainment consoles.

For those of you in economy,

we will be dangling a Dell tablet
from a fishing line.

[exhales]

[Kimmy] Uh, miss?

[Kimmy murmurs]

[passengers murmuring indistinctly]

- Yes, ma'am?
- Let me ask you something.

This your dream? Stewardessing?

[sighs] No, of course not.

I mean, why does anyone do this?

I just wanted to meet someone fancy
and never have to work again.

Not me. My husband's a billionaire.

I do this job because I love it.

Oh.

So why haven't you met someone?

If that's what you want,
you should go for it.

I make tall penis buildings.

They have sex with the sky.

[man] Well, we're in Minneapolis.

You want a rich guy?

That's the best you're gonna do
on a commercial flight.

I hear he's almost a millionaire.

All I need is 25 grand,
and then I can start a new life.

I'm only flying on this plane

because Trump Airlines
is too classy and successful.

The tickets are all sold out!

[whispering] So go hump Trump.

Take a lesson from me:

it's never too late to follow your dreams.

- [burger crunches]
- No.

I can't. I'm married.

Who cares?

Marriage is a trap set by men
to keep you in Indiana.

And then they sit by your coma bed,
and your maid Gonzo-noses his penis,

and now look at me.

London!

My greatest accomplishment?

Oh, we didn't ask.

Not getting AIDS from Roy Cohn.

Go be his mistress
or blackmail him or whatever.

[sighs]

You deserve better than this.

[chiming electronic music]

♪ ♪

- [Trump groaning]
- [Jacqueline whimpers]

Is there a doctor on board?
I think he had a heart attack!

Oh, he def did.
God, I love my job! [giggles]

- [PA beeps]
- [pilot] Uh, folks,

due to a medical emergency,
this flight is turning around

and heading back to New York.

Also, per Delta policy,

I've gone ahead and dumped
all your checked baggage into the ocean.

What? No! I've got to get to London!

[Trump] I... I was...

born in Kenya.

[indistinct chatter]

[reporters shouting]

[reporter] Jack, Jack!

- [reporters] Jack!
- [reporter] Jack! Over here!

What does he have that I don't?

Put your helmet back on, idiot.

Sorry, sir.

[exciting music]

[excited chatter]

♪ ♪

Hiyah!

[laughs] How's everybody doing?

Love you, Jack.

[reporter] Jack,
your movies have made billions,

but people are saying this is your Oscar.

My legs may be broke,
but my spirit ain't. [sobs]

Lord, I wish that broom
could sweep away your troubles.

I want an award. I want one so bad.

That's not why I do this.

The real hero is this guy, Fievel Dunches.

Trumbull Stevens.

The real-life veteran I had the honor
of portraying in this film.

They kicked this man out of the army
just for being in a wheelchair.

Then they persecuted him, hunted him down

simply because he stole a few secrets.

- [reporter] You're so handsome!
- But now, thanks to this movie,

he's back in the army,
with access to more secrets than ever!

- [laughs]
- [reporter] Evelyn, look at me!

Whatever he's saying, don't listen to him.

He's mental. [laughs]

- Dame Evelyn!
- Yes!

- Mwah.
- [reporter] Dame Evelyn!

- [reporter] Look here, please.
- Oh.

[reporter] Jack, have you talked
to January Jones since your divorce?

She and I will always respect each other.

What we had was... intense.

[funky music]

But I'm here to talk
about this important film

and how honored I was
to perform the title song,

"The Place by the Road, parentheses,
Party Boy Gotta Bump Bump Bump."

[exciting percussive music]

I love you all.

Hiyah!

♪ ♪

[sobs]

[soft woodwind music]

[gasps]

Oh, good. [sniffles] You're home.

I, uh...

I quit my job,

because, like Gwyneth Paltrow,
in A View From the Top,

I wasn't satisfied at Sierra Airlines.

I craved the big time...

the Paris route on Royalty Air.

Are you kidding me?

What you did is all over the news.

[reporter] Mr. Trump
is in stable condition

at Trump International Hospital,
Casino, and Grill,

where his best friend, nobody,
is by his side.

I died for almost six minutes,

during which time

I saw hell.

Full of losers. Sad!

- [reporter] Mr. Tr...
- [remote clicks]

How could you do this to us?

How could you do this to our family?

"Our family"?

I tried to get the money
to save our family.

I did what I had to do because you won't.

You're not a man!

Oh, yeah?

I'll show you what kind of man I am!

[gasps]

[smooching quickly]

Uh, okay.

And I'm gonna get that money!

Because I take care of my wife,

like a real man.

Like Elton John

when he was married to German
sound engineer Renate Blauel!

- [Jacqueline sighs, sobs]
- [intense music]

♪ ♪

Hey, Jack. We gotta talk.

♪ ♪

I told you, never in public.

♪ ♪

[both exhale heavily]

[both laugh breathlessly]

Jack, please.

I can't just give you $25,000.
You know that.

But I got nowhere else to turn.

Even if I wanted to,
Cosmetology holds all my money for me

to keep it safe from banks.

Yeah, can't trust banks.

But if you won't help me out...
I don't know.

I bet The National Enquirer
would pay good money

to hear who Jack Straightman
likes to play Timon and Pumbaa with.

You do that, and I'll sic
the Cosmetology chimp on you.

It's an adolescent, and it's angry.

- You got 24 hours.
- Mikey.

Mikey, please.

Mikey.

Mikey!

[pants] Oh, boy.

No, not boy.
That's what got me in this pickle.

Not pickle.

Who's the meatball I just saw
get out of this vehicle?

[inhales sharply] Admiral Gretchen.

We talked about this.
We cured your homosexuality, remember?

We were in the desert with snakes.

Obviously I remember,

but this guy's trying to blackmail me.

Too bad your contract
with January just ended.

You need to get ahead of this, Jack.
You've gotta get married

fast.

How am I supposed to find a new wife
in less than 24 hours?

Ah!

The Founder put me
in charge of the church.

He made that decision on what
almost immediately became his deathbed,

and I will not let you destroy his legacy,

so find some dumb girl and get it done!

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm late to meet my husband, Shelly,
who's definitely alive,

and you just missed him.

[sighs]

[downtrodden music]

[music brightens]

Desperate.

Alone.

No ring.

Kind of a Opie Taylor vibe.

She's perfect.

Michael! Pick up the phone.

- Look, I...
- [door clatters open]

Time's up, Cindy-rella.

Lillian, please, give us one more day.

One more day?

What do I look like, a leap year?

[chuckles] Well, I'm not.

Three sixty-five, baby.

You can't make us leave.
Squatter's rights.

Oh-ho, nice try, girlie.

But you see,
dead people ain't got no rights.

Yeah, that's right. You heard me.

You don't clear out of here,
me and my boys are gonna gut you like a...

Ah, boy. The swimmy things.
Blub-blub-blub.

A fish?

Thank you. Ah, jeez.

Don't grow old, honey.

Well, if you kill us,
we won't have to worry about that.

Yeah, it's true.

If I murder you and your family,

turn this apartment into a meth lab,
as is my stated desire,

you won't grow old.

You're bluffing.

I don't think you've killed anyone.

Oh, yeah?

Uh, my late husband, Roland,

my boy Diego,

Gustavo Fring,

the first Becky from Roseanne...

well, I guess basically anybody
who gets in my way.

And guess where you are, bitch.

[intriguing music]

♪ ♪

God, send me a sign.

I'm so lost.

Are you also confused and out of options?

All of my luggage is gone,
and I can't go home

because my husband is...
[as Richard] garbage.

I guess Sliding Doors is right.

Everything is just random.

Wrong.

You are in control of your destiny.

That's what I always thought, but...
then what am I doing here?

I'm sorry. You look really familiar.

Are you from Indiana?

Oh, no. [laughs]

[Kimmy] Oh, my God, you're

- Jack Straightman?
- Ronald Wil... Titus... Jack Straightman.

[chuckles awkwardly] Yeah.

Wow.

The closest I've ever been
to meeting a movie star

was when Tara Reid drowned
at a water park in my town.

♪ ♪

Can I buy you dinner?

♪ ♪

Did Cosmetology make my dreams
come true overnight?

- [classy piano music playing]
- [chuckling] Of course not.

There were even times
I considered leaving the church,

but then one day,
after being pushed out of a helicopter,

I crashed through the roof
and into the trailer

of a well-known Cosmetology puppet.

- Mr. Frumpus?
- Shh.

[whispering] I can't say.

But in exchange for not talking
about the things I saw in there...

[inhales deeply]

...I was given a part in one
of the church music videos.

- [upbeat music playing]
- ♪ All hail Gretchen ♪

♪ The Founder died ♪

♪ Of natural causes ♪

- ♪ Of natural causes ♪
- [Titus, powerfully] ♪ Of natural causes ♪

♪ Hey, everybody, look ♪

♪ There's Gretchen's husband, Shelley ♪

♪ Shelley Chalker is alive ♪

♪ Shelley Chalker is alive ♪

- ♪ All hail Gretchen ♪
- [Titus sobs]

- ♪ Hail Gretchen ♪
- [Titus, tearfully] ♪ Hail ♪

- ♪ Hail Gretchen ♪
- [Titus belting] ♪ Hail Gretchen ♪

After that, one thing led to another,
and here I am. [laughs]

All because I willed it,
using the power of Cosmetology.

The only thing stopping you

from actualating your own potentiality

is the sun using the moon
to bounce aliens into your brain.

So it's not my fault.

Nothing is!

Except when you succeed.
Then that's 'cause you're amazing.

With enough money,

Cosmetology can kill all aliens
on contact.

This is amazing!

What are the chances
that I would meet you?

[chuckles]

A hundred and fifty thousand percent.

[laughs] Mm.

I, uh... I actualated this meeting...

[inhales] because I need
something too, Kimberly.

A wife.

Are you asking me to marry you?

♪ ♪

- [gasps]
- We can do it tonight

in the most romantic place on Earth:

downtown Clearwater, Florida.

You don't question why the universe
gives you what you need.

You take it 'cause you deserve it.

But we just met.

And Delta has another flight to London
in less than three weeks.

You'll be rich, baby.

You can fly to London anytime you want.

I'd be Mrs. Jack Straightman.

Could I still get a really short haircut?

I'd like that.

This is all happening because
I chose to get on that plane.

I-I did it.

I did this.

Yes, Jack!

I'll marry you!

[laughs warmly]

- Ah.
- [laughs breathlessly]

[smooching quickly]

[laughs]

[dramatic music]

I'm gonna get us that money, Jackie,

because I got a plan, and I...

I can't do this.

Because I love Jack.

...ie. Politano.

That's your name.

Oh, for God's sakes. I knew you'd fail.

If we don't move out,
they're gonna kill us.

But I got the ticket to our new life.

Right here.

You're gonna call Amtrak!

Jesus, no.

I was leaving you a message earlier,
and Lillian came in,

and I never hung up!

[slowly] I recorded Lillian
threatening to kill us!

We give this to the feds,

and we can go into witness protection.

We'll get a new house

in a new city,

even a new name!

[tearfully] We could start over.

So I'm gonna have to come up
with a new name.

Row...

nun...

Fair...

row.

Ronan Farrow.

- [traditional Italian music]
- [whispering] Yeah.

- [door slams shut]
- Hey, first chance I get,

I'm gonna hide a icicle in my butt
and stab you in the eye with it!

[grunts]

Oh, unrelated: could I get
a job in the kitchen?

[sighs]

Bobby?

Bobby Durst?

No, uh, I'm his sister, Robertina Durst.

[purposefully] And I'm mute.

My sweet Bobby. Oh!

After all these years.

[exhales]

I made wine in the toilet.

[Lillian] Ohh.

[hopeful music]

Prison's gonna be fun.

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

[Jacqueline exhales]

♪ ♪

Welcome to your new hometown,
Mr. and Mrs...

Buttfudge.

Why does that have to be our name?

You ready to see your house?

We seized it from some creep
who kept women in a bunker.

- I'm gay!
- You think I don't know that?

♪ ♪

[Kimmy gasps]

I can't believe I finally
got to see London.

- What a honeymoon.
- Yes.

[flatly] I loved all the sex
and having it with you.

Yes, it felt very natural and good,

the sex that we had.

See? Our lives are amazing

because we made them that way.

We control our own destinies.

Hiyah!

Yeah, we do.

[Kimmy sighs]

- [glasses clink]
- Evenin', folks.

I just need to get inside
to update the router.

The company wants to give you
a whole bunch of new channels for free!

I could get used to this.

Oh, wait. I already am.

Champagne, free channels... we deserve this!

[glasses clink]

Yes.

Yes, you do.

[eerie pulsing music]

[bright shimmering tones
and distorted music]

Pajama mode activated.

Let's watching some Sliding Ds.

[as Nancy Sinatra] Are you ready, doors?

Start slidin'.

- [Kimmy] Ooh!
- [Titus laughs]

[pleasant music]

Hey,

do you ever wonder how your life
might've been different

if you'd never gotten in that van?

I mean, just one little moment,

- if you...
- No.

There's no point.

I've been through a lot of terrible stuff

that I wish had never happened.

But I still have to believe
that this is where I'm meant to be,

because if I didn't...

...I'd go crazy.

[exhales slowly]

[cheery piano music playing]

[announcer] Mind the gap.

[Gwyneth Paltrow with English accent]
Hold that sliding door!

Ugh, bloody wanker! The door slid!

Nice accent, Goopy.

What part of Canada are you
supposed to be from, exactly?

[laughs]

♪ ♪

- [upbeat music]
- [chorus] ♪ All hail Gretchen ♪

♪ The Founder died ♪

♪ Of natural causes ♪

- ♪ Of natural causes ♪
- [Titus, powerfully] ♪ Of natural causes ♪

[chorus] ♪ Hey, everybody, look ♪

♪ There's Gretchen's husband, Shelley ♪

♪ Shelley Chalker is alive ♪

♪ Shelley Chalker is alive ♪

- ♪ All hail Gretchen ♪
- [Titus sobs]

- ♪ Hail Gretchen ♪
- [Titus, tearfully] ♪ Hail ♪

- ♪ Hail Gretchen ♪
- [Titus belting] ♪ Hail Gretchen ♪

- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!