Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 8 - Kimmy Is in a Love Square! - full transcript

Kimmy finds herself in a compromising situation. Titus has to make a difficult decision.

[overlapping chatter and laughter]

[Kimmy] What up, Giztoob!

How's everyone doing tonight?

Anyone here from New York?

Cool. Cool.

Well, welcome to Giztoob.


You know, when Zach told me
that Giztoob was re-branding,

I said, "Yikes. Good thing I'm not a cow."

- Oh! [laughs]
- [laughs]

Thank you, my people in the back.

Remember to tip your waitress.

But don't actually tip her.

She's not a cow. Callback!

[both laughing]

[laughs] So we hired a freelance designer,

only there was nothing free about him.

Oh, and his name wasn't Lance.

I should say we hired an expensive Josh.

[light chuckling]


[both chuckling and applauding]

So without further "a-moo"...
rule of threes...


...the new Giztoob logo!

[epic string music]

- [both] Oh.
- [murmurs and applause]

Well, that's my time.

Thanks, everyone.
You've been 2,000-and-great.

Mic drop!

[feedback squeals, crowd shouts]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[Bankston] ♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

That's gonna be, uh...

you know, a fascinating transition.

[singers] ♪ Damn it ♪

[light music]

- [cell phone rings]
- [scoffs]

A 212 number?

That's where Broadway is!


Hi, this is Ronan Farrow
from The New Yorker.

I'm trying to reach Titus Andromedon?

No, thank you.

If I wanted to read
this week's New Yorker,

I'd just go to the doctor
six years from now.

I'm actually calling
about a story I'm working on.

I believe you auditioned
for Mr. Frumpus last year

"in an effort to get Mikey back"?

I was hoping we could talk
about your meeting.

[eerie string music]

♪ ♪

- No!
- [frantic jazz music]

Titus! Come on, be cool, man.

Mr. F's just a little old-fashioned.

I won't touch you.
You can just watch me take a shower.

[cackles] What's the matter?
Can't you take a compliment?


[shakily] You know,
I go on lots of auditions.

I'm looking at your credits
from the past year,

and it doesn't appear that you do.

Hmm. Tooshe.

Look, Mr. Andromedon,

there are a lot of rumors out there about
Mr. Frumpus and his "audition process."

I just need someone to go on the record.

[elevator dings]

[sinister music]

Going down?


Whoops! How'd that happen?

Nothing! Nothing happened!

You know,
I have someone on the other line.

Who, you ask?






Row-nun Fair-row. Good-bye!


[funky music playing, crowd chattering]

- [laughs]
- [C.H.E.R.Y./L.] Great party, Kims.

White girl wasted!

[Kimmy] Ugh, here comes Josh.

He's such a buzzkill.

Did you know he's allergic
to shrimp and peanuts?

He's why we stopped doing
Shrimp and Peanut Fridays.

[slurring] Whatever.
He's into you, or he wants to be.

Uh-oh! Rebooting!

[machinery whirring and powering down]

[C.H.E.R.Y./L. beeping]

Hey, Kimmy. Just wanted
to thank you for the shout-out.

- That was really...
- [woman] Oh, there she is!

Oh, this one! [laughs]

Hope we're not interrupting.

Dave Hoffman. This is my wife, Janice.

We are Joshy's parents!

Really? It is so nice to...

Sorry, I'm a hugger.

- Oh, Giztoob has a policy...
- [laughs]

[gasps] That's a good hug, Janice.

Your speech was hilarious.

Say, wanna hear a joke about paper?

Never mind. It's "tear-ible."

[squeals, laughs]
That works on so many levels!


So yeah, my parents
insisted on coming to this.

Fun for me.

I bet.
My mom never came to any of my stuff.

No, she came to one of my soccer games
but only 'cause she got caught

in the net the night before
and the guy just left her there.

I know all our attention
drives Josh crazy.

He's the crazy one!

But I will never get tired of watching
my little baby flap his wings.

- [Dave laughs]
- [Janice] Luckily,

he still hasn't flown away from the nest.
Right, Joshy?

[sighs] Nope. Still live with my parents.

[chuckles] Jealous?

Yes. Very.

Must be a 24-7 hugfest.

[parents clear throats]

So, Kimmy, I, uh, had some plans
fall through tonight,

and, I don't know, I'm sure after this,
you'd have no interest...

[excitedly] I'd love to go out
with you guys! Guy.

[coolly] I'd love to go out with you, guy.

[quirky music]

A Sliding Doors reboot is in the works
with much of the original cast...

[Lillian] Hey, Red.

What are you all slutted up for?

What? Who? Kimmy?

Please. Your sexy scrunchie,
your sparkle lip balm.

Who's the guy?

His name's Josh, but...

I'm really hoping he just
takes me home to his parents.

That's what we used to call
the Devil's Four-way.


[glum music]

[sighs] I don't even want
to tell you what's bothering me

because I already know
what each of you is going to say.

[mimicking Kimmy]
"Do the right thing, Titus.

My socks have bunnies on them.
The bunker!"

- [gasps]
- [mimicking Lillian] "Oy,

don't do anything, Titus.

Snitches get stitches.
Ed Koch wasn't all gay.

I can tell ya."

Oh! He nailed us.

Come on, Titus. It'd be an opportunity
to talk about yourself.

The Mr. Frumpus stuff is coming out.

- They want me to do an interview.
- Mr. Frumpus? The puppet?

Last year, I auditioned for him, and...

He made a move, didn't he?

I-I can't believe
that son of a bitch is still at it.

Roland was on Sesame Street in 1976,

and things got weird.

[funky bass riff playing]

It sure was fun making music
with you, Mr. Frumpus.

You can really slap that bass, Roland.

[director] And cut!

- [bell rings]
- [crew murmuring]

Hey, you know what I can slap?

That big ole butt of yours.

Huh. I guess that puppet has a type.

If you could take down that fuzzy
orange bastard, why wouldn't you?

- Because it's humiliating.
- [Kimmy] Aw, Titus.

- You have nothing to be...
- I touched it!

I touched it, okay?
And I still didn't get the job!

Mmm. You know, once you go orange,

you never...


what rhymes with orange?

Don't drag me into this, man.

- [stammers]
- [giggles]

That's right. It's okay.

[terrifying string music]

Yeah, it's fuzzy.

Hmm! [cackles]


I don't wanna be defined
by that one horrible day.

I mean... I've touched so many things!

Like, um...

Oh, yeah.


Titus, I would never tell someone to share
their story if they didn't want to.

In your face, Lillian.

Boom, bitch! Bye.

But you really should.
It's the right thing to do. I'm sorry.


There's a special place in hell
for women who don't help Tituses.

[George] This Sunday,
Tony nominees will be bringing

victims of sexual harassment
as their guests.

Victims? I'm a victim.

And as a show of solidarity,

all those attending will be wearing
shorts to the ceremony!

- That's so brave.
- It'll be the big Broadway night

that every victim of abuse
has ever dreamed of!

[inhales deeply]
I don't care what you guys say.

I'm doing this interview.

For your dead husband, Ringo!

Or whatever.

[determined music]

Never had a girl
offer to walk me home before.

You walk fast.

Just can't wait
to get back to your place, Joshy.

Oh, it's just, my parents are still up.

Do you wanna get a drink somewhere or...


[with Australian accent]
Look out, Kamchatka!

Here comes the Australian Navy!

No! We're a peaceful country!

- Not. Dice attack! [laughs]
- Oh!

- [Janice laughs]
- Oh!

Hey, I'm gonna head to bed.

Oh, wow. It is getting late.

Kimmy, you must be famished.

Do you like Triscuits with melted cheese?

Uh, I don't know, does Dave like
biographies of military leaders?

[both] Oh! [laughing]


[awkward music]

- Good morning, Jacqueline.
- Good morning,

you dirty little prostitute.

I can tell when someone
didn't sleep at home.

You don't have your workbag,
and that scrunchie is begging for it.

Well, I spent the night at Josh's place,
but there wasn't much sleeping going on.


This is so hot.

[retro sitcom theme plays on TV]

Wait, what?

Let's just say
Dave's medication keeps him up

and Janice is a light sleeper,
so we went all night.

The graphics guy took you home,

and you two just hung out
with his mom and dad?

What a loser.

Ugh, tell me about it.

Luckily he went to bed early,
and that's when I 69'd his parents.

That's right. A new Scrabble
high score for the Kimster!

You don't like Josh?

Ugh, no! He wore a fedora on our date.

And something must have
happened in the bathroom,

because he came back without it and
acted like he had never been wearing one.

So you're having an emotional affair
with a guy's parents?

What? No! I'm not having...

[whispering]...an affair.

I didn't have a mom and dad growing up.

Lori-Ann was never around,
and I used to tell people

that Ronald McDonald was my dad...
well, 'cause of the hair.

- Mm.
- But then I got a cease and desist letter.

And a coupon for a free McRib.

Oh, God, please let that be
the saddest thing I hear today.


Remember when I told you
I've never touched a puppet's penis?

Well, then how come the news said
I'm probably going to the Tonys,

you idiot?

[quirky music]

Titus, I want you to know
that I believe your story,

except the part where you said
you ran down the hallway.

- Fair.
- But you're not going to the Tonys.

Tell that to my freshly shaved knees.

I'm gonna paint that red carpet red...
with knee blood.

- [photographer] Turn this way! Look here!
- [reporter] Titus! Who did your shorts?

Um, Russell Athletic!

Former sweatpant caught in an escalator.

- [photographer] Titus, turn to your right.
- [photographer] Over here, over here!

[photographer] Over here.
Look at the camera.

[all talking at once]


I mean I'm not
letting you do that interview.

Another actor came forward this morning,
and the backlash has been fierce.

[Coriolanus] Why can't you people
leave me alone?

It was a bad thing that happened,
and that puppet...

Excuse me, I don't want
no more questions, please.

[reporter] Why are you the first one
to come forward in 50 years?

Please, I'm just trying to pick up
my ferret from the day care.

- [reporter] Why should we believe...
- I've worked with John Frumpus

for many years,
and that is not the puppet I know.

In fact, many of his coworkers
are speaking out in solidarity.

Mr. Frumpus is innocent.

Frumpus is a scapegoat! I should know.

Lives are being shattered and destroyed
by a mere allegation!

I mean, who are we supposed to believe,

a beloved American icon
or one fame-hungry brown-eyed actor

trying to get a ticket
to the failing Tonys?

Well, I say that's poopy.

For Fox Kidz, I'm Brayden J.

They're eating Coriolanus alive.

I thought the victims are the new heroes.
"Shorts to the Tonys," et cetera.

I don't know what to tell you.

We don't live in a Judge Judy world
where everything is fair.

- [scoffs]
- Kobe Bryant has an Oscar

and Al Franken got kicked to death
by handmaids.

All I know is that Coriolanus Burt
getting blacklisted

means more opportunities for you.


I hate Coriolanus Burt,
but he's telling the tru-tru.

So what? You keep your mouth shut,
and this just might be the best thing

- that ever happened to you.
- [Coriolanus] Please let me through.

I have a ferret in my shirt

who needs her diarrhea medicine and...
oh, no.

- What did they feed you, Daphne?
- [Janice laughing]

Oh, I just love the Olive Garden.

Everything comes out hot,
the servers are a delight...

[both] And the portions!

Oh, look at you, huh?
Finding love at work.

[chuckles] You know,
your mother and I met at summer camp.

Ah, well, he was a counselor. I was a CIT.

I had gotten poison oak
in my swim trunk area...

[laughing] Dad, nobody wants to hear that.

- [parents laugh]
- How 'bout we tell you the rest tonight?

- Can you come over for dinner, Kimmy?
- We'll let you know.

We're out all afternoon,
but we'll have our car phones.

- [Dave] Bye-bye.
- Bye.

Look, maybe tonight we could
do something without my parents.

Uh, but don't you think it's a little soon
to be not meeting your parents?

I still haven't seen your place.

Oh, that's not an option because
I live above a shrimp and peanut factory.

A shrimp and peanut factory?

I know, right?

So I'll let Janice and Dave know
we're in for Jeopardy!

- Okay.
- [both chuckle]

[cell phone rings]

- Go for Titus. Stay for drama.
- [Mikey] Titus?

It's Mikey, from that dream you had where
we opened a pancake restaurant together?

- Michael, hello. You sound well.
- Look,

I was reading
about this Mr. Frumpus stuff,

and then I realized
that you auditioned for him.

Oh, how sweet of you to worry about me,

what with the ozone layer
and the late-night wars.

Is it true about Mr. Frumpus?

I really hope not

and not just because I'm 1/4 marionette.

Michael, I don't wanna talk
about the past.

I wanna sing about the future!

♪ Cyborg Cher
She's a Cher made of metal ♪

♪ But with Cher's real face ♪

Well, I'm here if you ever need to talk.

As friends. So keep in touch.

I didn't touch anything!

I mean, I will keep in touch with you.
Anyway... orange tube.

Coriolanus Burt is my real name!

I didn't come up with it by looking around
at random things in the room.

Hey! Why aren't you out there
nailing Frumpus to the wall?

Instead, this guy's taking all the heat!

How do you know that isn't me, you racist?

Well, I thought it was you
until you walked in here.

Look, I was gonna come forward,
but it's career suicide,

and you know how I want my career to end:

falling off the top row
on Hollywood Squares.

Everybody thinks that guy is a liar,
but you know he's not.

Maybe if you came forward,
they would believe him.

Titus, come on. Think about it.

That could be you on the TV right now.

- [cell phone rings]
- [clears throat] Hello.

- [squeaks angrily]
- Titus, are you sitting down?

No, and it's terrible.

Coriolanus Burt
shot a commercial last month

that the client now wants
to reshoot with you!


- It's the role I was born to play!
- It's a national.

To one-up KFC and Reba McEntire,

Dairy Queen is introducing
the first-ever black male dairy queen.

[gasps] First-ever?

This is why we march.

Sorry, Lillian. Fame calls.

I'm siccing Roland's ghost on you!

Then we can make sexy pottery together.

♪ ♪

Look, I need your help.

Things are getting complicated.

Ugh, I knew you weren't cut out for this.

Being the other woman isn't all
holding your breath underwater

when his wife passes the hot tub.

You need to have a plan. A second phone.
You can't be seen together in public.

And why am I treating this
like it's a real thing?


This would all be so easy
if Josh were out of the picture.

I mean, what do they even see in him?

Ugh. [slurps]


Why? Who wants that?

You people are sick!

Listen, you have to slow down.

Before you go threaten
to kill yourself at the Met Ball,

you need to know if he...

or this older couple...
feels the same way about you.

- You're right.
- [sappy violin music]

This is still so new.

I need to find out if what
Janice and Dave and I have is real.

How is she my only female friend?

Maybe because you say stuff like that
in front of me.

- C.H.E.R.Y./L., erase the last 30 seconds.
- No!

- Please! It's so painful! No!
- [machinery whirring]

- [ding]
- What up, girlfriend?

- [indistinct conversation]
- Oh, hey!

[Janice] Darling, hi!

What's your handicap, Kimmy?

Janice's is five,
and mine's a slipped disk. [laughs]

Are you okay? Where's Joshy?

Joshua won't be joining us.

I thought we could play mini golf as a...

Oh, God, Kimmy, we thought it was just us.

[sighs happily]

These last few days,
you made us feel young again.

Like it used to be with Joshy.

Yeah, but are we really gonna do this?

Play mini golf
behind our adult son's back?

There's a name for people who do that.

No. There's not.

I checked the Internet.
It said this isn't a thing.

- [sighs]
- But we know it is.

Come on. I can give you things Josh won't.

On the couch... popcorn,

M.A.S.H. reruns on the tube.

You can explain all the jokes to me.

I call orange.


[Dave giggles]

My kingdom hath been struck by a Blizzard!

- [regal music]
- To help diggeth me out,

I decree all DQ Blizzards
are two for the price of one!

Please! Help me!

Cut! Sorry, Titus, we need you
on the same mark as Coriolanus.

Please, help me.

- [recording rewinds]
- [echoing] Please, help me.

- [recording rewinds]
- Please, help me.

- [Lillian] Titus!
- Please! Help me!

[Lillian] That could be you on the TV

- right no-o-o-w.
- I can see you, Lillian.

You didn't have to come down here.

- He already convinced me.
- Please help me.

Oh! So visual. Show, don't tell!

Hey, hey, Titus, what are you doing?

I quit. Are you happy now?

- I'll do it. I'll talk to Ronan.
- You want someone to go with you?

Yes, I do.

Why does it smell like hotel soap in here?

Where were you last night?

After Janice, Dave, and I
played Putt-Putt... twice...

- Mm.
- ...we got a room.

Dave used his Marriott points.

[Janice] I'm finishing. I'm finishing!

- Yes, yes, right there!
- Wait, wait!

Oh, God, stop teasing me
and put it in already!

- [both laugh]
- [sighs]

They told Josh they were going to see
something called Wind Rhythms

at Lincoln Center...
and that he should not wait up.

Oh, God, Kimmy.

As stupid as this is,
there are real feelings at stake here.

Be careful. Maybe take the night off.

We've got it under control.

Oh, yeah? Well, then wipe the stamp
from the Putt-Putt place off your hand,

you dumb slut.

I appreciate you coming with me.

I'm proud of you.
You're the bravest guy I know.

And one time,

my buddy Gino ordered
the Niçoise salad at a titty bar. He died.

And you look... you look good.

- I like the hat.
- Oh, thanks.

I found it in a sewer.

Titus? I'm Ronan Farrow.

Oh, my God, you are beautiful!

Puppets must be constantly hitting on you.

This one's personal for me.

Why don't we talk in here?

[Titus exhales shakily]

[cell phone chimes]


- [Josh] Knock-knock.
- What? Nothing!

So, uh, what are you up to tonight?

[cell phone chimes]

'Cause my best friend's ska-cappella group
is doing a Shabbat concert.


Only seven hours, but later,
my improv team has a show in Hoboken.

And after, I got tickets to Wind Rhythms.

I can't. I have to go to...

...to the frame store!

And you have to work late.
That's what all those texts were.

What do they want me to do?

They want you to be a man for once
and figure it out yourself!

[awkward music]

♪ ♪

- Kimmy.
- Kimmy.

That's my name. Don't wear it out.

[funky music]

♪ ♪

- Oh!
- What the hell?

[gasps] Josh! We can explain!

Don't bother.

This place reeks of stew,
and I saw your texts.

You never logged off
your iCloud account on my iPad.

- I wish we never started with the cloud.
- The damn cloud.

- The cloud is so confusing!
- So, what, you're just using me

to hang out with an old married couple?

Well, it started that way.

And then it continued that way.

So... yes, that's pretty much
what's happening.

And you two are into this?

How do you think that makes me feel?

When was the last time
you thought about our feelings?

- We have needs, Joshua!
- Kimmy wants us around.

She doesn't roll her eyes at our jokes

or when we can't remember the name
of that TV show.

- The... you know, the one we like?
- Madam Secretary.

Damn it. Madam Secretary.

[Josh] Wow. [chuckles]

How would you like it if I had
Sunday dinner at the Sepkowitzes', hmm?

At least Nancy doesn't overcook
her brisket!

- It's too red in the middle!
- Enjoy your E. coli!

Mommy, Daddy! Stop fighting!

I wanted this... bad.

But marriage between two parents
and their son is sacred.

And as much as I want Janice
to iron my jeans

and Dave to forward me funny emails...

Golf is like fishing.


...I was kidding myself thinking
you were ever gonna leave him.

- No! He's our son.
- That was never on the table, Kimmy.

Treat 'em right, Josh.

[light music]

♪ ♪

Here at the Tonys,
we have divas in denim cutoffs,

Bernadettes in Bermudas,

and so many victims!

Ah, Terrence Mann!

- Wh... oh.
- Thank you for your bravery tonight.

- That could be me on the TV.
- No, no, no, everyone here is a hero,

and, uh, these shorts are shouting,

I just wish I could've invited all of
the Frumpus accusers who came forward.

- We got him, Roland!
- Well, I am so honored to be... get in here.

I am so honored to be here tonight
with Coriolanus Burt,

the man who started this movement

and our first openly black
male dairy queen.

- Yes.
- [laughs]

Coriolanus, whose shorts are you wearing?

Ah! John Cena for Christian Siriano.

I'm sorry, Titus.

I know this is as hard for you
as it is boring for us.

[camera shutters clicking]

This is the award show
I always fantasized about...

...in the bathroom mirror,
clutching a bottle of maple syrup,

pretending it's a trophy
I then drink from.

Dude, someday, you're going to the Tonys.

And not as a guest.
You're gonna be a nominee.

And I'll be watching in a sports bar,
bragging to all the other guys.

- [laughs]
- [cell phone buzzing]

- [Jacqueline] Mr. Burt!
- Huh?

- Hi. Are you looking for representation?
- What?

[Jacqueline] I've cut ties
with Johnny Mustache.

- [woman] Hi.
- [laughs]

Oh... but MeToo and Time'sUp! And YOLO!


- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!