Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 7 - Kimmy Fights a Fire Monster! - full transcript

A beefcake hits on Titus, Jacqueline enjoys attention from millennial men, and Kimmy catches up with ex-mole woman Donna Maria.

[jazzy saxophone music plays]

[Titus] ♪ Magic, magic boy ♪

♪ New York magic boy ♪

♪ It's a '90s kind of world ♪

♪ And everyone is gay ♪

When I say "Titus," you say nothing!

Titus, Titus! Titus, rap breakdown!

[rapping] ♪ Try as hard as you mightus ♪

♪ To keep your eyes off Titus ♪

♪ His future as bright ♪

♪ As something bright, like a light-us ♪

[saxophone solo plays]

♪ ♪

[singing] ♪ Boop, boop, ah ♪

♪ Alakazam ♪

[male announcer] "Magic Boy" is filmed
in front of a live rat.

♪ ♪

[inhales deeply] Mmm.

Yep, I am a car owner.

Beep, beep! Vroom, vroom!

[giggling] Et cetera.


Looks like somebody likes
their men the way I like my coffee:

burnt, watery, and in a car wash.

[slurps, chokes]



Guess I'll have to bend over, and, uh...


Leave them there.


You can't keep coming in here!

Coffee is for customers only.

I know you don't have a car.

Oh, we do have our fun, Crocodile!

This isn't a name tag.

You need to leave now.

[Titus] Oh! Good.

My Mazda Miatus is clean?

Croc, you are the best in the biz.


[sneaky music]

♪ ♪

Oh! Good! I found the book I wanted.

Yup, this is what I need to read!

[quietly] Come on.

Operation "Sneak Book Into Bookstore

So Boys Can Find It and
Not Grow Up to Be Creeps" accomplished.

Oh! Sorry, fake Donna Maria.

Fake Donna Maria?

Real Donna Maria?

"Those are the three biz-stractions

that every team leader needs to avoid:

the Believer, the Simpleton,
and the Red Hair.

If you can tune out the white noise,

you'll be on your way to success."

The S's are dollar signs.


[high-pitched voice] Yes, make it out
to Ichabod M. Kimmy.

That's I M Kimmy.


Kimmy. Wow! Great.

I was just about to... call you.


wasn't I just saying I have to call Kimmy?

Lit two secs ag'.

"Literally two seconds ago"?
[scoffs] No one deserves me.

Donna Maria, I haven't seen you since...

well, does a dream count?
You were a lizard.

We haven't seen each
other since the trial.


Well, then, we have a lot to catch up on!

Have you seen cereals these days?

- How do kids even choose?
- Actually, I'm leaving tonight.

But you do have lunch free
after your next reading,

even though you just housed
two Starby's muffins.

[Tomothy snickers]

Thank you, Tomothy.

Same tone, you're welcome.

Jesus! [scoffs]

[sighing] Uh, give Tomothy your number,
and he'll tell you where to meet me.

Oh, boy, lunch!

A combination of "let's" and "munch"!

Ugh. Come on.

[in Spanish] The Red Hair!

[vampish music]

Excuse me.

No, I don't have a minute
for the environment,

I don't like comedy, and I do not vote.

Uh, no, I was just gonna say
you're a very beautiful woman.

I hope it's okay for me to say that.

I'm not trying to be a creep or anything.

Well, if you were, you'd be failing.

I'd write "D-minus, see me"
on your creep quiz,

and then I would assign

additional reading so you could graduate
on time with your peers.

I'm Jacqueline.


I'm Matt.

And I know this is forward,

but would you maybe wanna
get together sometime?


That kid on the home screen is just my...

older brother Buckley.

I'll call you.

Enjoy the view.

♪ ♪

[gasping] Ooh...

ooh, even a bunch of old chicken bones
can't resist me.

Oh, God, there's ants in there.

It's full of ants. They're everywhere!

Just leave the shoe!

They're biting, Matt!

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[Bankston] ♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

That's gonna be, uh...

you know, a fascinating transition.

[singers] ♪ Damn it ♪

It's official!

- I'm a celebrity!
- I wouldn't call you a "celebrity."

You played the Daredevil's doorman.

You were only on one episode.

Evenin', Mr. Murdock.

No one came for that FedEx.
Thank you, Pedro.

I accidentally said his line too.

And I am so famous!

I was recognized at my coffee place.

You mean the car wash.

And the guy who recognized me
at my coffee place...

was a muscle daddy.

A straight-up ten
all by himself this time.

No more cobbling together
three threes and a one.

[door squeaks open, closes]

Hello, you beautiful creatures.

Marvel Studios is suing you
for the return of the doorman costume.


I need the epaulets...

in case Prince Harry invites us
to his castle.

[sighs] For the last time,
redheads don't all know each other.

Then why do I know Meghan Markle?

You know her from the TV!

Well, the reason I'm in such a good mood

is that I was hit on by a millennial.

His name is Matt,

and he put ointment on my ant bites.

You two, thinking everyone's into you.

How do you know
those guys aren't just DTF?

- [takes breath]
- "Digging true friendship."

And don't correct me,

'cause I wanna believe
that bus driver was nice.

Okay, okay, see,

Titus is probably delusional.

Only according to my doctor,
who isn't real.

But Jacqueline,

you're 'lusional.

See, 'cause all this "MeToo"
and "TimesUp" and,

"Ooh, I'm gonna ruin your life

just because you made me lick pudding
off your desk during a job interview!"

This generation of guys is running scared.

They're afraid to make a move

'cause girls of their age
are so easy to take offense.

Yeah! Like when I told the mail lady

that leaving Jafar off
the Disney Villains stamp was retarded.

- [Titus] Kimmy, you can't...
- That is not okay, Kimmy.

- Exactly.
- Yeah.

But see, now, these guys?

They don't have to worry about
any drama with us old broads.

Or us young narrows.

'Cause we know how to take a compliment.

So there are more Matts out there?

Aw, Matts or Tylers or Micahs...

And the Coopers are all turning 18 soon.

Open for business.

[awkward music]

Speaking of, it's 11 a.m.

Are you ready to party?

But it's 11 a.m.

You read my mind!

Let's party!

Yah! [giggles]

[Latin music playing over speakers]

♪ ♪

Try competing with that,
Malala: My Story in Pictures.

[Titus] Psst!

We can go now.

In a minute.

People love paparazzi photos
of stars doing normal stuff.

When they see someone of my stature

[stutters] "Fisherman's Wife maxi pads,"

they say, "Suicide can wait.
I'm just like Titus."

- [camera app clicks]
- [Kimmy] Whoa.

- A guy did just take your picture.
- Where, bitch, where?

Okay, uh, if you're looking at a clock,

he'd be behind you.

[brightly] Kimmy, of course I can dance
and turn at the same time.

Watch! [snaps fingers]

[camera app clicking]


Ooh, that's the guy from this morning.

He thinks I have a car.
Act like I have a car.


I don't think what you hit was a deer!

We're going to jail, man!

He's so hot. What do I do?

Just talk to him. You're famous now.

Ooh! Can I get your autograph?

[camera app clicks]

[laughs warmly]

"Titus... Andromedon...



Ducks Rarely...

- Oranges..."
- [camera app clicks]

"...Make Every Duck

Oranges Need."


Wow, the Daredevil's doorman!

Please. [chuckles]

[quietly] Thank you.

[camera app clicks]

Careful, that's how Diana died. I'm Titus.

Yeah, I know. [chuckles]

- You're even more handsome in person.
- You're sweet.

Like candy.

Maybe I'll steal you from a baby.

[chuckling] Oh, my God.

Um... I can't believe this,

but I think I'm just gonna go for it.

Um, are you hungry?

[chuckles] Oh!

My agent says I have to lose 160 pounds

before I can audition
for a reboot of "Webster."

But the diet starts Monday!

[Titus laughs]

[funky bass music playing]

[Jacqueline] Why are we in a HomeBasics?

[Lillian] Well, because this is
where the scene is now.

Yeah, young guys started
looking for places

where they could chat up ladies
who don't know how to Twitter about it.

These poor kids. I mean,

they spent 25 years
being conditioned to be horndogs.

Now they just found out it's wrong.

They're caught between worlds.

They're in perv-a-tory.

Lillian? POM Wonderful as always.

You bam-bam-buh-bam! [grunts]

And who is this sweet piece
of street meat?

Ugh. I wanna say gross,

but I've heard so much worse.

My first day as a stewardess,

the pilot asked me to join
the mile-high club...

which is how I realized
we were flying way too low.

I'm Jacqueline.

- Jacqueline?
- [Jacqueline] Mimi?

You knew about this?

[laughing] Well, it's a funny story!

I came in here to see
what a clean towel felt like,

and next thing you know, I'm fooling
around on a toddler bed with a Micah!

See? What'd I tell you?

And these guys are way better
than my last boyfriend.

[electro-traditional fusion music playing]



And if you sneeze here,

you don't have to pretend
a wizard brought you to life! [laughs]


[gasps] Oh, where are my manners?

Ladies, can I get you anything?
Uh, a trivet or some nesting bowls?

I'd love a glass bowl full of fake lemons.

[Mimi giggles]

Now let's party like it's 1999,

back before everything
went so wrong for us!

[sobs, laughs]

- [dance music plays]
- [woman] ♪ Perv, perv, perv, perv-a-tory ♪

♪ Perv-a-tory ♪

♪ Perv-a-tory ♪

♪ Mmm! Perv, perv ♪

♪ Perv, perv-a-tory ♪

♪ Perv-a-tory ♪

♪ Perv-a-tory ♪

♪ Uh ♪

♪ I'm not gonna ♪

♪ Be your shorty, uh
You've gotta find a lady ♪

♪ Over 40 ♪

♪ Perv, perv, perv, perv-a-tory ♪

♪ Pervatory ♪

♪ Pervatory ♪

♪ Perv, perv, perv ♪

♪ Perv-a-tory ♪

- ♪ Perv, perv ♪
- [all laughing]

[Mimi] Oh! [laughs, spits]


Ugh. Champagne problems!

[laughs] 'Cause it was soap!

- [all laugh]
- [Mimi] Oh!

[Latin accordion music playing]

♪ ♪

Okay, I see why you wanted to go here.

Tía Donna Maria's.

In my neighborhood,
I always go to a place called Kim Mi.

It's a Vietnamese gambling club.

I'm getting pretty good at...

[in Vietnamese]
Take the white girl's money.


I wanted to go here because
I have meetings all afternoon.

This is my restaurant.
I'm Tía Donna Maria.

You have restaurants now?

I knew you made Mexican ketchup...

We're expanding the brand.

I have 12 restaurants in Vegas alone,
all in one hotel.

But you opened a restaurant here?

And you didn't tell me?

Are you in New York, like, all the time?

And you never call?

I thought we were friends.

Kimmy, mija...

I'm a 50-year-old Latina businesswoman.

We have nothing in common.

I'm just saying, we're not really friends.

For reals?

But we went through
some serious sugar together.

[electricity crackles]

[Richard] Look out!
A fire monster got past my karate,

even though he said it was
the best karate he'd ever seen!

- Hiyah! Yah!
- [Donna Maria screams]

[Richard] Wah! Hah! Fire!

- ["We Like to Party!" playing loudly]
- ♪ The Vengabus is coming ♪

- ♪ And everybody's jumping ♪
- Every dang morning?

- ♪ New York to San Francisco ♪
- The Vengabus hath come again!

Thank you, Vengabus.

[tense string music]

Ooh, trees.

♪ ♪

Come on, Cyndee, there's a line!

[in Spanish] You're not the only one
who ate the expired cat food, Cyndee!

What if I try cranking it out?

Stop! It's cranking it in.

How come this hurts and haircuts don't?

[Richard] Oh, no, y'all!

A fire monster snuck past me while
I was beating God at racquetball!

[all scream]

And that's how exposed scalp
became the hot look

of what we think was the fall of 2004.

This is why I don't call you
when I'm in town.

I don't want to relive this stuff.

Me neither, but we went
through it together.

That doesn't make us friends.

It's like Keanu says in Speed:

"Relationships based
on intense experiences never work,"

And then, Sandy Bullock's just
with the new guy in the next film.

Keanu's not even in Speed 2.

[Tomothy] Donna Maria?

Guillermo Ortega just hijacked
one of our onion trucks.

The salsa truce is over.


[sighs] I'm sorry.

I have to handle this.
Please stay for lunch.

Um, on the house.

[mariachi band playing]

♪ ♪

[man singing happily in Spanish]

It's gonna be hard
to stay mad during this.

[man singing in Spanish]

♪ ♪

Long story short, no one told me
that toilets on movie sets aren't real.

That's why if you watch
Sex and the City 2,

during the airplane scene, the girls were
all breathing through their mouths.

I love it.

Those before-they-were-stars stories.

John Legend went to business school,

and how Tim Allen sold coke.

I bet you've got some where you're like,
"I hope no one digs this one up."

You mean pornos? [chuckles]

I did so many jobs I thought were pornos

that just turned out
to be DJ documentaries

or me helping Ron Jeremy set up
for a garage sale.

But how 'bout, like, I don't know,

before all this "MeToo" business?

I bet a guy like you,
you probably could get away with anything.

I once did a commercial
for a local hamburger restaurant,

and they told me to just
to pretend to take a bite,

otherwise I'd be eating hundreds of
hamburgers over the course of the weekend.

And I said no.

Yeah, but what about sex stuff, huh?

I mean,

two sides to every story, and
even with Harvey Weinstein and that plant,

no one talks about how
that plant is thriving now.

I just... do you have any stuff like that?

Ilan, enough about me!

Who said that? [shudders]

Wow, um...

Will I see you later?


- Dinner. [chuckles]
- Mm-hmm.


Last time a ten took me to dinner,
there were 12 of us at the table.

[percussive music]

♪ ♪

[in Hebrew]
I've made contact with the target

and I've already got a DNA sample.

He's a very messy eater.

Some of the food wasn't even from today.

I'll do whatever it takes.

[sultry music playing softly]

It was always so frustrating

that men dated women half their age,

but now I get it.

'Cause now we're in control.

Yeah, pretty soon
they'll be making boner pills for us!

You take me to the ER, Brayden!

- [laughs]
- [cell phone vibrates]

Ooh, is that a AMBER Alert,
or do you actually know people?

It's that guy Matt from this morning.

He writes, "HomeBasics is open until 8:30
on Wednesdays,"

winky face, eggplant, eggplant,


waterfall, penis emoji...


dick pic.

- Oh!
- All right, let's go.

Yeah, I took a disco nap while Kanassis
was talking about her hysterectomy.

[all giggle]

[door opens]

I can't believe her!

Girl, did you get a to-go piñata?

After everything Donna Maria
and I went through!

I mean, we killed a fudging
fire monster together.

[Cyndee] Finally! We have a window.

I think I see France.

[gasps] Sister Kimmy!

That's where the naked ladies dance.

- [screaming]
- [Richard] This one, I just let in

'cause I'm mad at you!


- [screaming]
- [growling] Karate!

Fire karate! [grunts]

[speaking Spanish]

You know how long it took me to get
enough boogers for that grass?

100 Vengabuses!

What? Uh, grr. I mean...

- I'm gonna kill you!
- [speaking Spanish]

Ah... [shouts]

Ah, I'm gonna barf.

I mean fire barf!

I guess the Reverend was wrong

that you should never attack
a fire monster in the crotch!

But now that Donna Maria's a big shot
with her restaurants

and her fancy assistant who...

and I'm not always great
at reading these things...

was totally into me...

Didn't meet him. Confident he's gay.

...suddenly, she doesn't wanna
be friends anymore?

Or do you only wanna be friends
with her now that she's a big shot?

'Cause real talk, I never once
heard you call Donna Maria.

And you're always on the phone
with those white bitches,

Spinny and Fletcher or whatever.

Yeah, but she didn't call me!

Maybe 'cause you didn't make an effort.

And I'm an expert on lack of effort.

Chicken and stars, you're right.

When my hair got ripped out by the crank,

I made friendship bracelets
for everybody...

except Donna Maria.

I didn't have anything in common with her,
so I didn't bother.

And now she thinks you're only interested
because she's Queen Bitch of Dog Mountain.

You're like Ilan from the car wash, Kimmy.

[scoffs] You wish. He's a beefcake.

Wait, is Ilan the muscular daddy?
What's wrong with him?

He doesn't care about me.

He can't.

He's blinded by

le this!

But I do care about Donna Maria.

I mean, I knew her
before she was Tía Donna Maria.

Like me and Mikey.

He knew me back when the closest
I got to eating mayonnaise out of a jar

was licking it off babies' faces
when their mothers weren't looking.

Well, I'm gonna show Donna Maria
I'm the opposite of a car wash beefcake.

I'm a...

boat dirt...

bird salad.

[R&B playing softly]

[overlapping conversations]

- Hey there, beautiful.
- Matt.

Can I, uh, buy you some bric-a-brac?

Well, I have to work in the morning, so...

maybe just a galvanized bin
for holding mail.

...then, in 1978,

Dr. Brown's moved their bottling plant

to the Bronx

and this building became a RadioShack.

Meanwhile, in Israel...

You guys. I found Matt.

Mmm, Mimi likey.

[chuckles] I'll take those seconds
extra sloppy.

[Jacqueline laughs]

[gasps] Matty?

Mommy Kanassis?

Matt is...

your son?
- [Mimi] Oh!

- [dramatic music]
- Oh, God.

They're all someone's son!

[Mimi] They're just babies!

They're our precious babies!

That's why women don't do this.

How are men okay
with dating girls that young?

Oh, because we're gross.
We'll put it anywhere.

Shut it down.

[righteous music]

[Lillian] Okay, yeah, I'm leaving too!
'Cause I'm upset!

Not so I can grab stuff in the confusion.

Sparkling or still?

Currently, I am both.

Um, sparkling water, please.

Thank you.

[sighs] I should just get this
out of the way,

or we'll never be able to enjoy our meal.

[grandly] Good evening, Mr. Murdock.

Your dry cleaning didn't come.


[chuckles awkwardly]

Eh, you know, um, I wanted to ask you.

I read that you had
the same agent as Tripp Knobb.

So did you ever go to one of
those Sea Cow-a-Bunga-Bunga parties

at that private aquarium of his? I just...

[sighs] I thought I could
get through this dinner.

I could have any man in the world, Ilan.

But he has to care about more
than just the trappings of my fame.

It's seductive, I know.

"What kind of water would you like, sir?"
[laughs] That's my world!

You got a glimpse, so now you want more,
but as the Daredevil's doorman...

I can't just let anyone in.


Oh, my God. Uh...

you know, I thought I could get
through this dinner, but I just...

yeah, I-I-I...

I don't know if I can take it.


It's just so pathetic.

[chuckling] Yes.


I was once captured by Hezbollah.

They got me addicted to opium.
They made me beat my best friend to death.

I broke both my legs jumping out
of the window and trying to escape,

and, while suffering heroin withdrawal,

I dragged myself and my friend's dead body

50 kilometers through the Beqaa Valley.

You see, I got through that.
I made it through that.

But this? [inhales shakily]

I don't know if I can take this.

- Well, the thing about fame...
- Oh, my God, would you shut up?

Just shut up, okay?

I am not a fan of yours.

What would I be a fan of?

Your only credits are

a Bumfights DVD

and a YouTube compilation
of escalator fails

and playing Doorman Number Six

on an as-yet unaired episode
of "Daredevil."

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

I used to be Israeli Special Forces,

and now I work for a company
called Mulaney Security.

See, we were hired by
a certain children's television show

to dig up dirt on you.

Now, my employers, they know
that the khara is about to hit the fan

on Mr. Frumpus.

So they want us to do oppo research
on anyone that he may have,

um, you know, "auditioned."

It started that way,
but then you fell in love?

My job was to find ways that we could
ruin you in case you ever went public,

but how could we possibly
make your life any worse?

What could we take away?

You live in a sideways tugboat.

You steal coffee from a car wash.

You need a mnemonic
to spell your own last name.

I was thinking about the scrod.

Oh, God, and you know what?
I've been watching you for weeks,

but just today...

I saw you eat three jars of mayonnaise.

Yes, only three.



[Ilan] You mistook
your own toes for candy.

Then you fell and couldn't get up.

[Titus pants]

Kimmy! [grunts]

It's happening again!

Get the oar!



And that waitress at lunch,
she didn't want your headshot as a tip.

I speak Russian.

She said she would've
wiped her own ass with it,

except you already destroyed their toilet.

Fun Hollywood story:

Rocky fought a Russian
in one of the Rockies.


You win.

You broke me.


broke me. Uh...


If you go after Mr. Frumpus... [sighs]

He's gonna make your life a living hell.

How in the world that would
be any different, I... [laughs]

I have no idea.
You know something? I quit.

[Ilan sighs]

[stammers] Just to be clear,
I broke up with you!

Here! It's hair.

Kimmy, I'm in a meeting.

But I finally made you
a friendship bracelet.

Put that away.

If they find one more pound of hair
in the food here,

I'll get downgraded to a Sbarro's!

Look, I'm just trying
to make up for the bunker.

Don't, please.

The bunker's not part of my life.

I am not a Mole Woman.

I used to say stuff like that too.

But you'll always be a Mole Woman.

I'm Tía Donna Maria.

I'm the person who convinced Rachael Ray
that her true talent was dog food.

I've seen you throw up
into a toilet pumpkin

while Cyndee was using it.

And then she threw up on you.


Gentlemen, ladies,

won't you excuse me?

Let's discuss this in private.

- Whoa.
- Surprise!

- Fire monster!
- ¡Monstruo de fuego!

- ["We Like to Party!" playing]
- [Elmo] I...

[Donna Maria grunts]


- [music dies down]
- [both panting]

[Elmo groaning]

[tense music]

Why? My wedding's tonight.

[guests whispering indistinctly]

I do stuff like this all the time.

I get it. I've punched, like, 100 Santas.

I still sleep in a bunk bed,

but no one says anything 'cause I'm rich.

But it is nice to have one person
in the room who isn't judging me.

There are only three women in the world
who can be that person.

But I'm not gonna be friends
with Spinny and Fletcher. [chuckles]

[guests murmuring]

I'll call you next time I'm in New York.


Will you take of our guests
in the Fiesta Room?

"Well, nice party, Lucas,"

he lied.

[Titus] ♪ Boop, boop, ah ♪

♪ Alakazam ♪

- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!