Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 3 - Party Monster: Scratching the Surface - full transcript

In the probing documentary "Party Monster," DJ Fingablast investigates what became of his childhood hero, DJ Slizzard.

[dramatic tone plays]

[string orchestration]

How do I look?

Good? Cool? [sniffles]

- [clears throat]
- [producer] Whenever you're ready.

Electronica isn't just music for me.

That beat is like my heart sound.

[imitating pulsing beat]

[crowd cheering]

[DJ Fingablast] And I became a DJ

because of one man:

DJ Slizzard.

And this is his story.

But mostly...

it's my story.

Thanks for the fluff, DJ Bear Dick.

Dilly-dilly, fam!

[announcer] Brisbane,
give it up for DJ Fingablast

and a hologram
of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.!

[dramatic music playing]

[Dr. King hologram] I have a--

- [electronic music playing]
- ♪ Beat, beat ♪

♪ Beat, beat, beat... ♪

[DJ Fingablast] I was on top of the world.

I had mo' money

and fewer problems, yo.

And I had something
almost as important as money.

- [music winds down]
- Love.

- [mellow music playing]
- That smokestack right there

is my girl,

Hello Hadid, the third Hadid sister.

[Hello] Hey, guys,
how amazing are pennies?

[DJ Fingablast] Her eyes are the sexiest

'cause she's super allergic
to her mascara.

We met having sex at a vodka launch party.

True love, brah!

I knew I had to lock that ish down.

[whispering] Oh, man.
I'm so nervous, but pumped.

She's gonna love this. Shh.

Hey, Lo.
I'm not good at talking about my feelings

'cause of my childhood,

so I let my music speak for me.

[equipment shuffling]

[button clicks]

[techno music playing]

So what do you say, babe?

Will you marry me?

No homo?


[stirring music playing]





But who was gonna DJ my wedding?

Who could DJ my wedding?

[dramatic music building]

[slow music playing]

[Richard] We gotta get this party going,
if you don't mind.

We got the follow-up hit
to the Baha Men's "Who Let the Dogs Out?"

That's right, it's...

"When Let The Dogs Out?"

[man] ♪ When let the dogs out? ♪

- [men] ♪ When, when, when? ♪
- That's right.

- [man] ♪ When let the dogs out? ♪
- [men] ♪ When, when, when? ♪

- [men] ♪ When, when... ♪
- This guy's the king!

[Richard] Hey, uh, bartender?

Think the DJ could get another one
of these juice boxes, please?

That'd be super.

[young Fingablast]
Excuse me, can I ask you a question?

Sure, baby.

What do you wa-- Oh, man.

You're a boy. You sound just like a chick.

You know that's why they hire
adult women to play boys in cartoons?

- [young Fingablast] Bart Simpson's a girl?
- Yeah, he is.

[young Fingablast] Well, you were awesome.

And when I grow up,
I want to be like you.

- Well, you're gonna need a weird penis.
- [young Fingablast] Okay!

Um, do you have any tips for kids
who want to be DJs?

Oh... uh...

yeah, sure. You know...


don't do drugs...

on an army base.

Stay in school...

for, like, five years too long,

'cause then you're way bigger
than all the teachers,

and then it's your school.

Get the limbo line to come to you,
'cause then you can see up stuff.

Know what I mean?

[DJ Fingablast] Who could DJ my wedding?

The answer was obvious:

DJ Slizzard.

Little did I know...

I didn't know what I was in for.

- [geese honking]
- [moody string music playing]

[crows cawing]


[train clattering]

[DJ Fingablast]
DJ Slizzard was the only man on Earth

who could spin at my wedding.

But where was he?

[upbeat music playing over speakers]

Hey, guys! DJ Slizzard is north Indiana's
only DJ for all your party needs,

from sweet 16s

to dirty 30s

to nasty 90s!

Additionally, I am the proud possessor

of The Guinness Book of World Records
for highest FPM in Grundel County.

[light music playing]

[DJ Fingablast] So I flew to Indiana

and set up a camera at the airport.

Then I flew back to New York

and got on another plane to Indiana

so I could get this footage
of my plane landing.

[somber piano music playing]

This here is Slizzard Country.

Here we go. This looks like it's it.



[breathes deeply]

[man] Hey, hey, hey!

You boys on private property!

You better watch it!

I know some karate videos
I can throw at you.

Whoa, whoa, bro,
I'm not looking for trouble--

only treble and bass.

And the guy who used to live here.

Who? Dick Wayne?

[DJ Fingablast] Dick Wayne must be
DJ Slizzard's real name,

which explains the D.

But where did the J come from?

Boy, what are you staring at?

Do you know when Maestro Wayne'll be back?

[Bankston] Man, that dude is long gone.

So, legally,

all of his hairbrushes are mine...

even if some of his relatives
come around looking for them.

DJ Slizzard is dead?

[Bankston] He's in prison.

Forever. Ever.



[coughs] I'm sorry.

Forgot to take my medication this morning.

Orning. Orning.


[DJ Fingablast] DJ Sliz, in priz?

It didn't make any sense.

I mean, DJ Slizzard is the legend
who brought the air horn to the Midwest.

[air horn blares]

[Richard laughs] That's right!

Get it up, get it up, get it up!

Just because you're pregnant
doesn't mean you cannot dance.

- Let's go.
- [air horn blares]

- [producer] What do you think he did?
- [clicks tongue]

There's only one thing I can think of.

His beats must have started
a shorty fire on the dance floor.

[ominous string music playing]

[disco beat pumping]

[women screaming]

[siren wails]

Cause of death? Fire burns.

Beats that sick gotta be illegal.

You're under arrest.

It's the only explanation.

[dark music playing]

And yet, it also wasn't.

Well, the little stinker
in tonight's Naughty Neighbors Nook

is Richard Wayne Gary Wayne.

The Durnsville resident
and adjunct professor at Trump University

was apprehended earlier today
after acting weird at a Walmart.

I need these tampons because I am a woman,

and I wanna swim with confidence.

[officer] Okay, sir.

[Richard] Karate!

Karate! Karate! Regular punch!

Just kidding. That was karate.

[officer] Care to explain this key
we found at your house, Dick?

It's labeled "bunker," comma, "girls."

So? Girls are keys.

Everyone knows that.

'Cause they love rings,
and they'll poke you in the scrotum

if you sit on 'em wrong. [snickers]

Everybody knows keys are boys!
Locks are girls!

What's in the bunker, Dick?

[reporter] They look like women,
but they stink like hogs.

Fifteen years in an underground bunker
explains some of it.

[Kimmy and Cyndee] The world's still here!

This is the bomb!

After all that time together,

we're pretty synced up.


Melissa Joan Hart.


[speaking Spanish]

Ah, the "Macarena." Wonderful.

- Remember when Dr. Evil did it?
- Ay!

I think I should get out of the sun now.

I'll just be in the bunker.

[clears throat]

[Kimmy] Do you have a mirror?


Oh. No, sorry,

I asked for a mirror,

not a picture of an old Irish witch.

Tabby Bobatti, you were the Reverend's
live-in girlfriend,

but you didn't know what was happening?

Well, it's healthy

to have secrets in a relationship.

[chuckles, stammers]

He doesn't know about half the yarn I buy.

You were his fudging girlfriend?

Well, it's hard to find a tall guy.

- [Tabby] Oh!
- [mirror shatters]

[reporter] Richard Wayne Gary Wayne
was sentenced today

to three counts of white kidnapping

and one count of "oopsie, no bueno."

- [geese honking]
- [somber string music playing]

[DJ Fingablast] How could someone
who created so much beauty

be responsible for such butt ugliness?

How can I get married
without a kick-ass DJ?

And also,

was I skipping stones wrong?

To answer that question,
I consulted champion stone skipper

Damar Varnish at his estate, Rockswater.


You've gotta...

side-arm it.

Like that.

[DJ Fingablast] My other questions,

- only one man could...
- [line rings]

...should, and would answer them.

[classical hold music plays]

[Richard] Richard Wayne.
Who's this?

Oh! This is him.

Uh, hello, sir.
This is Douglas Fingerbur--

DJ Fingablast.

I wanna talk to you
about why you're in prison.

[Richard] Hang on, this is a dude?

'Cause this whole prison deal
is kind of a sausage fest.

Anyone who visits better be ready

to put something I don't have
on the glass.

Boobs, butt--

Wait, you don't have a butt?

[line clicks, beeps]

[DJ Fingablast]
My hero doesn't have a butt...

but I do.

And if I'm ever gonna meet him...

I gotta catfish DJ Slizzard.

[upbeat music playing]

So I made a fake Facebook profile

that was sure to get his attention.

This is all for us, babe.

[Hello] I'm cold.

[DJ Fingablast] But then

I learned something
from a rerun of CSI: Miami

that I was unable to get the rights to.

He won't be liking any more pictures
of corpses on Facebook.


Because prisoners aren't allowed
to use Facebook.

♪ Yeah! ♪

[DJ Fingablast] I printed Karen's page
and mailed it to DJ Slizzard.

For authenticity, I also included
a pair of ladies' underwear

that I rubbed on a small dog.

[somber string music playing]

[door buzzes]

[faint indistinct chatter]

[DJ Fingablast] Let's do this.

DJ Slizzard, here we come.


[inaudible dialogue]

[door buzzes]

Well, well, well, Miss Sorrento.


Me likey.

Now, uh...

why don't you put something on the glass?

Chef's choice.


You need to put something
on the glass for me first:


Oh, man.

Another catfish?


[DJ Fingablast] I worshipped you, man.

How could you do something so sick?

And not good sick,
like sneakers you wait in line for.

Bad sick,
like when they found E.T. in that stream.

What's going on with the camera?

Oh, I'm making a documentary.

- About me?
- No, it's about me

needing a DJ for my wedding.

[Richard] Stupid. Why would anybody

wanna make a... a movie
about ole Dicky Slizzard, right?

Only thing I've ever been good at
is manipulating people.

[DJ Fingablast] Hey, don't say that.
You were also a great DJ.

Yeah, I were.

I mean, it's hopeless for me.

For somebody to get my case reopened,

they'd have to be really smart,

have to have some money,

bunch of cameras.

They'd have to have a...

a visitor's pass to this prison.

I mean... [scoffs]

Good luck, Dick!

I'm out of here, man.

- Sliz, wait.
- What?

Could I really get your case reopened?

Like, is that a real thing?

Adnan from Serial,

Staircase guy,

Dr. Richard Kimble...

they all had their cases reopened
because of a supersmart documentary

that didn't leave anything out.

[DJ Fingablast] And that's when,

all on my own,

I came up with a new idea
for what my documentary should be about.

So I started looking into it.

And this whole thing...

didn't make any sense.

[Richard] I mean, have you even seen
these "Mole Women"?

There is a reason that they're named
after the least attractive insectivore.

To quote my personal hero

and, oh, I don't know,

the President...

[Donald Trump] Take a look. Look at her.

You tell me what you think.

I don't think so. I don't think so.

Believe me,

she would not be my first choice.

That, I can tell you.

[DJ Fingablast] Look, DJ Slizzard is hot--

as hot as the hottest insectivore.

Did the Mole Women match up?

It was horrible. [sobs]

And I missed, like, ten Olympics.

It was only nine, Miss Schmidt.

[Dunleavy] Now are you ready
to be honest with us?


Hi, Donna Maria Nuñez?

I'm DJ Fingablast.
I'm making a documentary.

- How old are you?
- [Donna Maria] Huh?

Show us the birth cert!

[in Spanish] I didn't know that
the monkeys who work in my factories

- were underage.
- No, how old are you?

[rapidly] BunCo Bunkers'
five-year warranty is void

in the state of purchase.
0% APR financing intended as a joke.

Product not endorsed by
the Peyton Manning who plays football.

[keyboard clicking]

[Richard] FYI, my fantasy bunker...

Copperfield-era Claudia Schiffer,

two Maria Menounoses,

and one of them pomegranate juice bottles.

Bam, bam, buh-bam!

DJ Slizzard, I'm starting to think...

- you didn't even do it.
- [Richard] Hey, look,

you're the documentary guy.
I'm just a kidnapper. Just a... reverend.

I-I'm just a...

I'm just an American DJ.

If you didn't do it, who did?

You know what?
Why don't you ask yourself this:

who stood to benefit...

from this guy being locked up?

Like Hillary should've been.

Think about it.

I mean, I did have a rival.

DJ Traphouse.

[DJ Fingablast] Another DJ?

As one of our own, I couldn't believe

that one of our own could do this

to one of our own.

And with you out of the way--

Oh, to him fall the spoils

of my... Golden... Kingdom:

three p.m. slot at Slappy's Pizza;

signature banter,

like, "Wake up, fatties,
it's time to boogie";

and my antique buffalo-horn
and boar-bristle hairbrush collection.

[DJ Fingablast] I finally had a lead.

You need to find DJ Traphouse.

[DJ Fingablast] I had to find DJ Traphouse
and get him to confess.

Then Slizzard could J my wedding.

But no matter how much I drove around,

I couldn't find him

or get him to confess.

So I gave up, did ayahuasca in a cemetery,

and it led me straight
to Traphouse's current address.

[bell tolling]

[producer] Hey, he's here.

[DJ Fingablast] My hero is in jail,

and the only person
who could free him is dead.

And I still don't have a wedding DJ.

So I went back to the only place

where I'd ever truly felt safe:


- More sideways.
- Okay.

That's it.

[DJ Fingablast] Then everything went

- from bad...
- [cell phone chimes]

...to, "Oh, no, you didn't."

[emotional music playing]

[breathing heavily]

Hey, everyone. I said m'kay.


[cell phone ringing]

[operator] Do you accept a collect call
from Grundel County Men's Prison?


[DJ Fingablast] Yes, I do.

[Richard] What do you mean, you're "out"?!

You're leaving me hanging,
like my cellmate who couldn't take it.

[sighs] Sliz, there's no point.

I don't need a DJ for my wedding anymore.

[Richard] You're like
the Drunk History guy.

You got Tiffany Haddish right here,

and you're making this about you?!

She dumped me like a poop, bro.

[tragic string music playing]

[rock clattering]

[imitating cell phone] Bleep-bloop!

She dumped me like a poop, bruh.

[DJ Fingablast] There was nothing left
for me in Indiana,

so I took my airport camera
and went back to New York.

[microphone rustling]

Where's the off switch?

Oh, there it is.


Why? [sobs]

I don't wanna say good-bye to Hello.

- [electronic music playing]
- I was lost.

There was no point
continuing with the film.

[man] ♪ Life's not always Miami ♪

Ah, turn off the camera!

- The documentary's off!
- [man] ♪ Life's not always Miami ♪

- [switch clicks]
- [DJ Fingablast] Then...

- [cell phone chimes]
- ...everything changed.

Hey, yo!

Take off your wrap gifts, guys.

The documentary is not over.

I might need a wedding DJ after all.

Someone posted on Karen Sorrento's
Facebook page.

[cameraman] But that's a straight man,

and Karen is you pretending to be--

I just need a win, Scott.

And I said take your fleece off!

Let's go, boys!

Come on! Whoo!

[upbeat music playing]

[both chuckle]

- Wow.
- [both laugh]


[Fran] That's amazing.

- I love sour cream.
- [laughing] Oh, who doesn't?

[Fran] Instead of a tip, I just wrote,
"Here's a tip, try the cheese."


- She's probably mad.
- Oh!

- This is mad fun.
- [laughs] Yeah.

But I gotta come clean...

I'm not a beautiful woman.

I'm a beautiful man...

a man who now feels pretty good
about himself thanks to you, Fran.

[Fran sighs]

Another catfish.

Damn it.
I knew you were too cool to be a female.

Cool like how?

Look at your profile, dude.
You're a dream girl.

MAGA, ka-ra-tay, DJ Slizzard...

[stammers]...girls in bikinis
getting really hurt.

Wait, you're a Slizzard Lizard?

Are you kidding me?

He played my great-aunt's nasty 90th.

- [laughs]
- And he went home with her...

as a joke.

- [laughs]
- God, it just kills me

that he's still locked up.

Especially since I know
he shouldn't even be in jail.

[stirring music playing]

[DJ Fingablast] I don't believe in fate,

so it was probably magic elves who brought
Fran and me together that night.

Hi. Um...

I am Fran Dodd.

I am founder and C-F-Bro
of The Innocence Broject,

an organization that fights back
in the war on men.

I am telling you, man,

men are under attack.

Do you know how many times
I have been stabbed with keys?

Nineteen times, just for

walking closely to a woman's face.

This is where, uh,

we keep a lot of, like,
our-- our case files here,

like, uh, Cosby.

That's a big one.

Uh, Mr. Frumpus.

Richard-- Richard's file?

Yeah, it's in here.

This is all proof.

How about this right here?

Where is Dick Wayne being held right now?

Okay, well, let's just
take a look right here...

'cause this is where
Dick Wayne is being held.

Can you get close enough?

Says it right here. Right here.


Men's Prison.

Not People's Prison.

Mee-en's Prison. Okay?

They knew when they built this place
who they were gonna lock up.

It's absolutely disgusting.

Masculinity is being criminalized
in this country, okay?

And I want something done did about it.

Because what you're accused of

- shouldn't be a crime.
- [Richard] Exactly.

I mean, are we even talking about?

Innocent and-- and guilty?

Sorry, what I did was called "nature."

I mean, look at dolphins.
They're huge rapists,

and ladies kiss them right on their holes
over at SeaWorld.

Why isn't anybody getting
a tattoo of me on their ankle?

Men are not the problem.
Women are the problem.

Things were fine until we started
letting them make their own decisions.

L-listen, y'all. Let me tell you

about a-- about a good friend of mine

who's really handsome.

And he went...

to LA, saved up all his money,

got a sweet-ass butt cut,

and did the ladies a favor...

by going on a TV dating show.

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat music playing]

[host] Richard, how are you
gonna make her feel special?


we'd start off with some fabulous food,

- a little fabulous conversation...
- [laughter]

...end it with a fabulous foot massage,

for an evening of total fabulosity.

[woman laughs]

[tragic music playing]

And she chose Marc!

I mean, what?

They got to go to the zoo together.

Why does she even get to choose at all?

Men should be doing the choosing!


I thought women should do what they want,
but if they couldn't,

I'd still be with Hello.

God, why'd she dump me?

Because women are stupid.

They don't even know
how to make decisions good.

You should see my mommy
try and order at a restaurant.

[DJ Fingablast] So that night,

I did.

[woman] Southern rib platter. Yum!

- No, I'll never eat all that.
- No.

But if you were gonna pick
between the French dip...

- French dip.
- ...and the firehouse fajitas--

- French dip.
- Oh, my God, what do they have?

- [hand slams table]
- God, it is dessert, Sheila!

They are having dessert.

[Richard] It's dark days, brosephs.

They say, "You snooze, you lose."

Well, we snossed...

and look what we lost.

[DJ Fingablast] After talking to Fran
and DJ Sliz,

I read the news.

And it was news to me.

There really is a war going on.

I mean, who's next,

the majestic anteater?

I also learned

our infrastructure is a mess, yo!

[Richard] Here we are.
Now it's "Person of the Year."

They hijacked the Ocean's franchise.

Now there's a female Colonel Sanders?

What's next, female chickens?

I don't even get it, y'all.

But if we don't take a stand now...

- we're herstory.
- [Fran] Ugh.

They're gonna shestroy everything.

[Richard] I ain't down

with that world.

[eerie tonal music playing]

I have an appointment

for a penis removal,

- here in the year...
- [musical sting]

...this year!

[distorted echo] This year, this year,
this year, this year, this year...

[upbeat music playing]

[DJ Fingablast] We have to fight back,

or pretty soon, every clip package

will look like this.

A great man rots in jail right now

because Lady Justice

is living up to her name.

That coldhearted skank is just ice.

Meanwhile, what are DJ Slizzard's
supposed victims doing?

Cyndee Pokorny continues to profit

from her tragedy.

She recently sang the national anthem
at an NFL preseason game

between the Atlanta Vaccinators

and the Chicago Interracial Marriages.

♪ And the home ♪

[quietly] ♪ Of the ♪

[warbling] ♪ Bra... ♪

[DJ Fingablast] And as for Donna Maria?

She used wordplay to become a mole sauce

mole-ionnaire and...

a judge on Shark Tank Español.

[in Spanish]
Marco Americano here is crazy.

What you've just described is a horse.

I'm out.

[DJ Fingablast] And Gretchen Chalker
is the real cult leader.

She's now running her own church

inside a women's prison!


Now they're keeping us out
of the prisons we built?

And in the future,

female doctors will remove the penises

with saws.

- Yes! That's right!
- [cheers and applause]

[DJ Fingablast]
Then there's Kimmy Schmidt.

[Kimmy yelling]

[DJ Fingablast] The woman who put
Tabby Bobatti in intensive care...

ended up intensively caring
about the Reverend.

- That's good writing.
- [Kimmy grunting]

[DJ Fingablast]
No wonder she was so mad at Tabby.

Kimmy is married to DJ Slizzard.

And she never gave up on bae.

[Kimmy] I'll never divorce you, Dick!
Not even when pigs fly!


But that would be cute!
Birds would be like, "Whaaaaat?!"

I'm never divorcing you!

[DJ Fingablast] Maybe this documentary
isn't about finding a DJ for my wedding.

It's just about the best DJ of all:


[Richard] Have yo-o-o-ou...

spoken to Kimmy?

Oh, for the documentary?

Shoot, that's a good idea.

[Richard] No, don't ever

speak to her. I mean, because...

we value...

we value our privacy.

That's why I didn't say anything about it.

You know? Even though

our marriage would obviously humanize me,



Kimmy stood by you, man. [chuckles]


[Richard] So I guess...

...if a good woman like Kimmy

is on my side-- and she is,
but again, don't ask her--

then maybe the whole word can get on board

with my fabulosity.

You gotta finish this movie, Finga.

Finish it up. Hey, win a Peabody,

like Entourage.

Then who knows, man? Who knows?

Maybe my case gets reopened,

and maybe I finally get reunited

with my little pasty-faced,


...sweetie pateetie.

[somber music playing]

Kimmy. That's who I'm talking about.
You know.

[DJ Fingablast] I did my part.

You just watched it.

Still are.

So does Slizzard's story end here?

That's up to the people
who believe in him.

People like Fran Dodd;

Fran's mom,
who supports him no matter what;

Fran's buddy Frisco,
who you didn't meet but is cool;

this guy we met
who would literally do anything;

and, of course,

- Kimmy Schmidt...
- Well--

[DJ Fingablast]
...TabbyBobatti; this lady;

- that dude...
- What is this for?

[DJ Fingablast]
Karen Sorrento; David Caruso;

Damar Varnish; DJ Traphouse;

DJ Trump;

and the most important person...

you, America.

Dude, they won't be able
to see themselves.

We talked about this.

[mirror shatters]

[DJ Fingablast]
Put this part in slow motion!


[funky music playing]

So that's what that job was. [gasps]

Fooping shit!

[electronic music playing]

[robotic voice]
♪ Life's not always Miami ♪

♪ Life's not always Miami ♪

[man] ♪ Life's not always Miami ♪

♪ Life's not always Miami ♪

♪ Life's not ♪

♪ Always Miami ♪

[robotic voice]
♪ Life's not always Miami ♪

[man] ♪ Life's not ♪

♪ Always Miami ♪

[robotic voice]
♪ Life's not always Miami ♪

[man] ♪ Life's not always Miami ♪

[robotic voice]
♪ Life's not always Miami ♪

[man] ♪ Life's not ♪

♪ Always Miami ♪

♪ Life's not ♪

♪ Always Miami ♪

♪ Life's not ♪

♪ Always Miami ♪

[robotic voice]
♪ Life's not always Miami ♪

- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!