Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 2 - Kimmy Has a Weekend! - full transcript

Kimmy and Titus spend the weekend binge watching TV and getting their nails done. Jacqueline schemes to evict her wealthy subletter.

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Paycheck time!

♪ Friday, Friday ♪

♪ Gotta get down on Friday ♪

You're singing that wrong.

How? I made it up.

[gasps]

Do you need me to come in
like last Saturday

and move the file cabinets?

No, that was only because
you had made them into a fort.

It wasn't a fort.

It was the Chill Zone. Trademark: Kimmy.



So I'll just come in Sunday?

Get ahead of our Rice Krispie treat needs?

Um... I think we're still good.

So don't come in? Wow.

This'll be, like, my first weekend off
in my whole adult life.

For a lot of years,
I was in kind of a 24-7 deal.

Then, with Jacqueline,

- I was always on call.
- [Jacqueline] Kimmy.

- [Zach groans]
- I'm gonna need coverage by Monday.

Also, find out what coverage is

and if Monday is a Jewish holiday.

I don't work for you,
and you don't work here.

No, you're the best.

Have a great weekend, everybody!



[C.H.E.R.Y./L.] It's Friday, bitches.

Who or what are we getting into tonight?

Oh, C.H.E.R.Y./L., you are bad!

And I don't have any plans.

Maybe I'll pick up
a new release from Blockbuster!

[C.H.E.R.Y./L.] Girl, get with the times.

Plug this into your TV's HDMI port,

connect to Wi-Fi,

get yourself a big old bag of wine,

and binge-watch till your tits fall off.

I don't know what any of that means,
but I can't wait to find out.

[C.H.E.R.Y./L.] I'm also bingeing
this weekend. I started at lunch.

[awkward music playing]

Does C.H.E.R.Y./L.
have a drinking problem?

[upbeat music playing]

[Bankston] ♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

That's gonna be, uh...

you know, a fascinating transition.

[singers] ♪ Damn it ♪

[gasps] Future monster!

- [dramatic music]
- Go back to your time!

No, it's me!

It's Jacqueline.

Oh, hey.
What are you doing here, stranger?

Well, I could ask the same of you.

Oh, I changed into my sneakers
to go back home,

but a girl's gotta have her pumps
for the wizeekend! [clears throat]

Sorry. Weekend.

I have a bee stuck in my throat.

Okay, well, I'm just here
because I forgot my cell phone

and...

skateboard.

I'm living here, okay?

Are you happy?

Most of the time,
but that sounds real sad.

I'm just not exactly...

[sighs]...liquid right now.

But... are you sometimes?
Do you have powers?

I'm saying that I don't have any money.

So I'm subletting my apartment

until I start getting
some commissions from my clients,

Titus and Titus with a fake mustache on.

I didn't know you were
having money problems.

I haven't bought new clothes in so long.

I've forgotten what it's like
to make a salesgirl call her mother

and question moving to New York
in the first place.

Well, at least come stay
with me and Titus.

You can have my bed,

and I'll sleep on the blow-up gorilla that
fell off the roof of that car dealership!

[sighing] Okay.

- [victorious fanfare playing]
- Sleepover!

I'll grab your skateboard.

[bouncy music playing]

[timid music playing]

Titus,

it's Friday night,
and we're having a sleepover.

Now that I have a real job,
I'm gonna do weekends to the max.

[Titus] Maybe I deserve a weekend too.

I have been slaving away-- racist--

on my Capist screenplay all week,
as far as you know.

[Jacqueline] I hope.

Neither of us gets paid
until you deliver a script.

Titus Andromedon does not deliver.
He DiGiornos.

[Kimmy] Nope!

You had all week to talk about work.

Now it's the weekend, and that means
it's time for binge-watching.

[Kimmy] "Huluh"? "Amayzon"?

"Huhbogo"?

Starz?

[gasps] Here we go.

- Columbia House.
- [Titus] Oh.

American Dad! has been on for 68 seasons?

Ooh, Gals on the Town.

"Four ambitious young women
juggle work, love, and friendship.

Written by a rich, mean gay man."

Yes, please!

[peppy theme song plays]

[woman] ♪ Love and friendship
Having it all ♪

♪ Or maybe just a great pair of shoes ♪

♪ One of them has to be Asian ♪

- ♪ Can they be good at their jobs? ♪
- [clinking]

[birds chirping]

[quirky music playing]

[sighs]

[gasps]

Aw, shoot. I should've put batteries
in that carbon monoxide detector.

[gasps] Good Saturday morning, Lillian!

Saturday? No, I--

I'm on Tuesday.

I better either slow down or catch up.

[gulps]

Titus, time to get up.

You know I do not get up at "times."

Oh, come on.

If I learned anything
from Gals on the Town,

it's that 40 is the new flirty

and weekends are
for shopping, spas, and brunch.

My treat!

[air whooshes]

To quote the Gals on the Town
series finale,

"Make it a mom-mosa,

'cause I'm drinking for two."

[Lillian chuckles]

- [door bangs shut]
- [cell phone buzzing]

Oh.

Oh, hello.

- [Buckley] Mom?
- Well,

not unless you're a 26-year-old
light-skinned Jamaican kid.

- Buckley?
- Mom,

I have to come home tomorrow.

They found a peanut on campus.
Now the whole place has to be demolished.

Oh!

Okay. And you wanna stay with me?
At my apartment?

- Is that okay?
- Of course.

I'll make your bed.

[chuckles] Why do people say that?
"Make your bed."

I'm not a carpenter like Jesus.

I am not Jesus, Buckley.

I wish I had his abs. Okay. Tomorrow!

Love you--

What am I gonna do?
I'm subletting my apartment.

I don't have anywhere for my son to live.

What's wrong with this place?

He's had all his shots, right?

He's had none of his shots.

Long story short,

I was trying to impress Jenny McCarthy,

and unfortunately, it worked.

[cell phone buzzes]

Ugh.

I want him to stay with me.

It would break my heart
if he'd rather stay with his father...

and his new stepmother,

who's just a younger version of me.
Literally.

They got my DNA from a hairbrush
and made a clone.

[panting]

[shouting] Whose memories are these?

I've gotta get that guy out of my place...
but I can't give him his money back.

Oh, listen, I have been a landlord
for a very long time.

- Here's what you do.
- Mm.

[mimics whispering]

Why are you making that sound?

I just wanted to see
what your hair smelled like.

Mmm.

[Titus and Kimmy laughing]

I'm so glad I talked you into
buying me this aspirational hat!

This is gonna be it
once I lose my head weight.

- [chuckles]
- [gasps]

[Kimmy] Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Whoa!

Look at all these cool fingernail options.

Polka dot? Glitter zigzag?

[laughs] Tiny tuxedos?

- For what? Finger prom?
- [laughs]

[Kimmy laughs] That tickles!

[laughing] Stop.

Too tickly!

I'm gonna lose my mind! [laughs]

- Stop!
- [whispering] Now, my left foot,

like her namesake, Mr. Day-Lewis,

is a bit eccentric

but demands the star treatment.

[soulfully] ♪ Jesus ♪

[inhales deeply]

♪ Is in his heaven ♪

♪ And he wishes this was his foot! ♪

- [gasps] Ooh...
- [woman] No!

This is unacceptable.

I said push the cuticle.
Don't cut, right? Push.

Do you have any idea who I am?

I am a verified Yelp complainer.

[man speaking sternly in Korean]

[dramatic music playing]

Do the ladies who work here
have kind of a bunker vibe?

I don't know,
because I wasn't in the bunker.

Oh, boy. This is starting to bum me out.

Look, you got money now.

You gotta get used to people
doing things for you.

If it weren't for you,
these ladies wouldn't have a job.

Like, without me,

the bodega wouldn't have to hire
a guy to stand by the salad bar

with an electric flyswatter.

We're job creators.

Okay.

But I'm not gonna be like her.

I'm gonna treat these women
like they're human beings.

Learn names, talk to them,

maybe even pick up
a little Korean while I'm at it.

Because all lives matter, Titus.

I'll allow it. Context.

All right, nail ladies,
prepare to be appreciated.

Here's the sublease agreement
I got from the rental agency.

My lessee is named Broderick Knob.

Credit score in the triple digits?

- La-di-da.
- "Miami real estate mogul"?

I knew he'd have money,

but he's a bazillionaire.

[clears throat] Sorry.
Now I've got a bee in my throat.

Oh, you don't wanna fall asleep
with your mouth open in that house.

[Jacqueline] He got married in 1984,

before he got rich, so there's no prenup.

Oh, I see.

What you do on the flat part makes
pictures happen on the shiny thing!

But marriage hasn't stopped him
from messing around.

Here he is in Davos.
You see the tan line on his ring finger?

He's a cheater.

So, what, you're gonna sleep
with this guy or something?

No! But...

that doesn't mean I can't still use
some of my old tricks.

They're not all sex moves.

Sometimes a girl gets tired
of Bill O'Reilly smearing falafel on her

and just needs him to go home
to his wife for a few days.

Well, so where do I come in?

That's where you come in.

[funky spy music playing]

[Jacqueline] I play the part
of a beautiful blonde stranger.

You play the fire alarm puller.

[Lillian] My motivation'll be wanting to!

[alarm ringing]

[Jacqueline] When Broderick comes out
to check the alarm...

I run into him and flirt.

Something like...

"Looks like someone's all alone
in the city,

much like Babe the pig

with his suitcase
and his little pink body."

I'm a little rusty, Lillian!

Down in the lobby,

I'll offer to text myself from his phone
so we have each other's numbers,

but instead...

I text his wife.

[cell phone chimes]

His wife will call
to find out what's going on.

Of course, I'll play it off
like a mistake.

"Did I text the wrong number?

I'm such a dumb blonde,

like Dennis the Menace."

Now, that's sexy.

[Jacqueline] He'll have no choice
but to tell her...

"Of course I'm coming home to see you!

That text wasn't accidentally sent by a...

smoking-hot millennial."

She'll say, "All right.

Well, I'll see you at home."

Broderick flies home,

and the apartment is all mine.

Buckley,

come to Mommy.

- She's a clone.
- [Jacqueline] No, Buckley,

she's the clone.

[suspenseful music playing]

Come to Mommy, Buckley.

[thwack]

This is a good plan.

So, Kelly, my name is Kimmy,

and if there's anything I can do

to make your time nailing me
more enjoyable,

just let me know.

Okay. You pick a color.

Well, I want to support you economically,
Kelly.

So I will get the...

"full set" of "double-length"

"acrylic glitter fill-ins"

with "added diamonds per"

on all eight fingers

and both Thumb Warriors. [laughs]

Debbie, get in there.

[eerie music playing]

[echoing] So this is the Sunken Place.

This is nice.

[Debbie] You want booger nail?

What's that, Mommy?

You want booger nail?

Booger nail very popular for men.

Are you trying to upsell me, Debbie?

Well, let's job create.

Booger on, reggae woman.

[funky spy music playing]

[flirtatiously]
Oh, is that the fire alarm?

I wonder if it has anything to do
with the fire you ignited in my butt.

- When did I become so bad at this?
- [door clicks open]

You're not my weed guy.

You're not Broderick Knob.

Broderick Knob is my grandfather.

My father's name is Broderick Knob, Jr.,

and I'm Broderick Knob Enh-Enh-Enh.

You mean "the third"?

I don't know what day it is.

- [Titus laughing]
- [C.H.E.R.Y./L.] In binary terms,

this guy's input was more of a zero
than a one.

You are so bad.

I never know what we're talking about.

Are you all set to order?

Yes.

Since brunch is a combination
of breakfast and lunch,

I will have half a pizza bagel

and half a pizza bagel.

Hmm, I've never had an omelet before,

so I guess to play it safe,
I'll have an omelet

with hard-boiled egg and chicken in it?

We are so very cosmopolitan.

Ugh! This juice needs more sugar.

Mm.

[dramatic music playing]

Ah!

[grunts]

[whirs]

[frantic music playing]

[shouts]

[sighs] Stupid long, beautiful nails.

- How do birds do it?
- [C.H.E.R.Y./L.] Speaking of

getting used to new things,

I'm trying back-port stuff
with my boyfriend.

So I guess this brunch
isn't totally bottomless.

You are a freak, and I love it!

- Tell me what it means.
- I will not.

I hope I'm not interrupting.

I just wanted to drop by
and see how you're enjoying your stay.

- Is it just you here, Broderick?
- Yeah.

But people call me Tripp

'cause my babysitters
keep falling off boats.

[cell phone buzzing]

- Oh.
- One!

I can't talk right now, Lillian.

Am I pulling this thing or what?

That's what she said!

Fun fact: I'm the "she"
that that's based on.

It's not Broderick.

It's his dumb son.

So what?

The plan's off?

I really wanted to pull that alarm...

and then accidentally kick some fancy dogs
during the chaos.

That plan is off, but I can't give up.

Buckley's blimp got a good tailwind.
He'll be here tomorrow night.

[huffs]

- [dog barking]
- Ah!

What a cute little doggy!

So what brings you to New York, Tripp?

Ugh, I had to leave Miami
after what I did to that manatee.

I thought it was a mermaid.

Whatever.

My dad says that I should spread my wings,

and you know what that song says
about New York.

"If you can make it here,
you can make it anywhere"?

No...

I'm talking about the song that I wrote.

♪ Look out, pee holes
Gotta spread my wings ♪

♪ New York ♪

- That's all I got so far.
- Wow.

You're a creative soul.

So tell me about your acting.

Huh?

Hang on. [mimics explosion]

With your looks and charisma?

Are you telling me
you've never been on camera?

Oh, when I was really fat in college,

I was accidentally
in a Girls Gone Wild video, but...

Look, Tripp, I'm an agent.

I represent, among others,

Titus Andromedon and Johnny Mustache.

I know talent when I see it.

Acting, huh?

Acting, yeah, that's like...

"Take that, Hitler!" Pew, pew, pew!

"Oh, look out!
That Hitler's got a gun, too!"

Pew, pew, pew! [groans]

[gasps] Amazing!

Would you be willing to fly yourself to LA
for the right opportunity?

Are you kidding me?

Their Madame Tussauds is so much better
than New York's!

[gasps] I better pay someone to pack.

[Kimmy] What should we binge-watch?

[Titus] I don't care.
Push the button, girl.

Dang!
These elegant nails are driving me crazy.

How does Freddy Krueger do it?

Can you work the remote?

Why go through all that trouble when
HouseFlix will just choose stuff for you?

Because it picks weird stuff.

It's always a true-crime show

or a movie where a woman
murders her boyfriend

after falling for a college professor
with a dark secret.

Okay.

You know how Al Gore
invented the Internet?

Well, he also invented a rhythm for it.

It's a powerful rhythm.

It's called... the Al-Gore-Rhythm.

It learns about you
and picks things it knows you like.

But I like fun stuff:

dogs playing sports,

old ladies rapping,

Klumps.

I don't want to watch
To Have and to Murder...

even if it does have Annie Potts.

And why is Treat Williams
looking at her like that?

You stay away from Annie Potts,
Treat Williams!

[suspenseful music playing]

[Lillian] Aww. Poor Tatum Browncat.

You know they never found her feet.

Spoiler, Lillian!

Oh, yeah.

That ain't gonna work unless you got
a Croatian maritime adapter.

[Jacqueline sighs]

Thank God I'm almost out of here.

I just gotta get Tripp
an acting job in LA.

What? How?

You haven't found Titus a job,

and he's got the angelic voice
of a castrated Italian boy.

But Tripp is a rich white kid,
and that's all Hollywood really wants.

Look at the Mara sisters, Dakota Johnson,

Armie Hammer, Kate Hudson,

Nick Kroll and John Mulaney,

- the cast of Girls.
- Okay, okay, I get it!

But how you gonna find him a job
by tomorrow?

Access.

I may not have money,

but I can still get in anywhere.

Ow! Diva, why?

Sorry.

It's a scary movie.

- Look out, Jeanne Tripplehorn!
- [Titus] Ow!

Those nails got to go!

[quirky music playing]

[Kimmy] They're stuck!

Ah!

[bell jingles]

[in Korean] Hello.

Is your nail artisan Kelly available
by any chance?

She is available.

I'll go get her.

Kelly.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

I wanted the Kelly
who did my nails yesterday.

Okay. I'm Kelly today.

N-no, that's not...

Oh, there she is.

Hey there...

Vanessa?

But you're Kelly.

You've been Kelly
as long as I've known you.

I'm not Kelly or Vanessa,

just like that isn't Amy
and that isn't Pam

and that definitely isn't Lashonda.

No one cares what our names are,

so Mr. Park just has us grab
name tags out of a bowl.

What do you mean, no one cares?

I care.

You're people. You have names.

You should be able to use them.

I'm gonna say something.

No! Please, don't.

It'll just make him meaner to us,
and he'll take more of our tips.

You shouldn't put up with that.

You're talented.

You should quit
and start your own nail-itorium.

Oh, that's a great idea!

I'll be sure to do that
as soon as I pay back

the $10,000 I owe Mr. Park

for my flight here
in the trunk of a Kia Sorento

that was
inside an unpressurized cargo plane.

Look, I know you're trying to be nice,

but you just don't understand.

Like parents? No.

I know how it feels to be treated
like you don't matter.

You know weekends and booger nails.

Please don't get involved.

Is there a problem here, Vanessa?

[dramatic music playing]

No.

I guess everything's fine.

[sighs]

- Oh!
- Sorry...

Linda.

[indistinct chatter]

Now that he's conquered the music world
and his fear of birds,

Tripp is getting into acting.

Isn't that right, Tripp?

There's a naked lady in that painting!
[chuckles]

Wait. Is that...

Motherfu--

I'm sorry, did you just say
that Tripp Knob is getting into acting?

Yes, I did.

Jacqueline White, White Talent.

You know, Tripp is available
and looking to move to LA.

Mm.

He will do nudity
but only if he can keep his shirt on.

I just love it when rich kids
get into the biz.

It makes it so much easier
to find financing,

and they're so confident and tall,
which is all acting really is.

Sophie Van Nuys.

I've seen you on the cover of Variety.

I was working at a Jamba Juice
two weeks ago,

then all the men in Hollywood
got caught with their wee-wees out,

and now I run a whole studio.

I'd love to put Tripp in something.

But it's Sunday.

Can he wait till tomorrow
to be in a movie?

He'll rocket-blimp out tonight.

Tell him to aim for LA, Blimp Net Seven.

Hey, look what I'm doing
at the painting, Jacqueline.

Won't you excuse me? [laughs]

Can you believe Kelly-Vanessa?

Thinking I'm just another
fancy white jerk.

I know what it's like
to be treated like dirt.

I spent 15 years underground.

That's where dirt lives.

Girl, you need to stop, drop, and roll.

By which I mean stop talking,
drop the subject,

and go get me a cinnamon roll.

You don't know
what those women's lives are like.

You can't because of white privilege.

Are you kidding?

You think I've had it easier
because I'm white?

I shared a plastic toilet pumpkin
and a plastic shower pumpkin

with three other ladies.

And yes, sometimes they got mixed up.

People can't see that.

Why do you think HouseFlix keeps
suggesting you watch those shows

about women murdering
their cheating husbands?

Because of bunker stuff?

No. Because it's white lady porn.

Their lives are safe and predictable,
so once in a while,

they need to see Tim Daly
push a woman down a staircase.

Don't believe me?

Watch.

[quirky music playing]

[man] OMG.

That is so Y-O-U.

You should see how it looks in the light.

Take it for a spin
around the neighborhood.

Now I'm just going to think
about putting that coat on.

Can I help you, sir?

Bathrooms are for customers only.

So it doesn't matter
what I've been through.

This is how the world sees me.

If someone didn't know me,

they'd think I was another one
of those spoiled white ladies

who says things like--

[Jacqueline] This is unacceptable!

I will be writing a Yelp review
about this experience, Sondra.

Oh, God.

I'm shopping at the same store
as Titus and Kimmy.

Sondra, do you sell guns?

Why are you shopping at all?

Because I deserve a treat.

I'm a working mom trying to have it all.

I've come a long way, baby.

No. You said you were broke.

Oh, that was before I got Tripp cast
in a movie.

Who the fip is Tripp?

Just some rich white idiot
with zero acting experience.

So you used your white privilege
to help someone.

Mostly myself.

That's why I became white
in the first place.

[bright music playing]

[man] Enjoy the coat.
Bring it back whenever.

Am I to wait all day?

[with French accent] Where is the manager
of this establishment?

I'm extremely white over here.

I am the manager.

Finally.

I'm supposed to go to the seashore
this weekend,

but now, thanks to your butchers,

I'll be the laughingstock
of the in-ground pool!

Oh, is that not what you wanted?

[scoffs] Only a child or an adult
who lived underground for 15 years

would think these awesome nails
are awesome.

[whispering] I'm sorry, nails. I love you.

Do you remember who worked on you?

And that's another thing.

I don't even know whom to yell at.

They change names every day,
like so many Puffs Daddy.

I want real names
so I can yell at the real person.

I've half a mind to mention this
to Mayor Del Blancio

this weekend at the horse party.

No! Please don't do that.

Using real names is a good idea.

I'll take care of this.

Thank you... Ji Yeon.

We did it!

I know being able to use your real names
isn't a big whoop.

It's just a small whoop.

- But it's a whoop in the right direction.
- Sure.

The important thing is,
you feel good about it.

I know it's not a tragedy contest,
Ji Yeon,

but if it were...

I would fudging win.

I can't believe the weekend's over.

Ugh. Mondays.

But now I finally get Garfield!

[laughing] Jon has no one.

[man] Coming soon to HouseFlix,
La La Land 2,

starring Tripp Knob as Titus.

I'm Titus!

- Oh, come on!
- [saxophone toots]

[Titus] Party Monster.
It says it's a documentary.

Documentaries are like the books
of movies, Kimmy.

Well, I trust the Al-Gore-Rhythm.

[TV chimes]

Electronica isn't just music for me.

That beat is like my heart sound.

[imitating heartbeat]

And I became a DJ because of one man...

DJ Slizzard.

[techno music playing]

Hey, that's your friend.

[man] And this is his story.

Oh, we are watching this.

[dramatic music]

- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!