Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 8 - Kimmy Does a Puzzle! - full transcript

Titus makes a shocking confession, and while a hurricane hits, Kimmy tries to make her bunker fun by adding fun games and puzzles.

Titus, what happened on that cruise?

I did the worst thing
any human being can do.

[whispering] I ate Dionne Warwick.

-What?
-[both] What?

I ate Grammy Award winner Dionne Warwick!

[upbeat music]

[Bankston] ♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪



♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

That's gonna be, uh...

you know, a fascinating transition.

[singers] ♪ Damn it ♪

I ate Dionne Warwick!

Oh, you did not eat Dionne Warwick!

You land people can't understand
what the sea can do to a man.

[thunder crashes]

I was on that lifeboat
for I don't know how many days,



with nothing to eat...

or drink...

but delicious, savory seawater.

[mysterious music]

The reflection on the water
burned my eyes

until everything was white.

White light. White, hot sky.

And all the while, she taunted me!

[Dionne Warwick] Titus!

What's salty and covers 70% of the Earth?

The ocean.

Your butt! [laughs]

Warwick burn!

You better have a birthmark
or a library card, honey,

'cause when we die on this thing,

the news is gonna say,

"Grammy Award-Winner Dionne Warwick

and Unknown Sneaky Fool Found Dead."

[Dionne Warwick laughing evilly]

They're not gonna know who you are!

Please, Miss Dionne,

leave me be.

I'm so hungry.

[Dionne Warwick] Titus...

Don't look at me like
I'm a giant turkey leg, boy!

I am Dionne Heffalumpin' Warwick!

You will not eat me.

You don't have the balls to try.

[Dionne Warwick] Titus, you're a nobody.

Even your mama didn't come to...

[Titus] The days went on like this.

I ate my own fingernails.

I ate $10,000 worth of my paychecks.

I ate Hot Beef...

a magazine I brought
for those lonely nights at sea.

And Miss Dionne only grew
more and more belligerent.

[grunting mockingly]

"Hey, everybody! I'm Titus!"

♪ Nobody likes Titus ♪

♪ 'Cause he is a daaamn nerd! ♪

Go ahead, boy. Eat me.

Start with my feet
so my face can watch you choke.

[Titus] I tried to sleep. I tried to die.

But I was awakened by... the sound.

A-a horrible gobbling sound.

[chomping and snorting]

It was me...

eating...

Dionne Warwick!

I ate Dionne Warwick!

[Artie] No, you did not.

She's alive, Titus.

She's hosting a telethon right now
for the parts of New Jersey

that were already washed away
in the storm.

[Lillian] Big Naturals is donating

water to refill New Jersey's
many above-ground pools.

I do what I can.

[Dionne Warwick] That's terrific, Benny.

-You come to work in a tank top.
-Titus! Look!

[Kimmy] You didn't eat her!

Please give whatever you can.

Hurricane Tammi-with-an-I
has already ravaged

some of the most beautiful parts
of New Jersey:

the Solstice Sunglasses Outlet,

the Morey's Pier Wild Mouse Ride,

Frank and Maria Spinelli's
gorgeous marble deck.

So call the number on your screen

while I sing this lost gem

that was written exclusively for me

by one Mr. Burt Bacharach.

Sh-sh-she's alive.

[upbeat keyboard music playing]

♪ When you break up with Leonard Nimoy ♪

♪ You get a bus ticket to Sacramento ♪

♪ And a case of crabs for your memento ♪

♪ Why do I have a thing ♪

♪ For spaceships? ♪

[sighs] Oh, my gosh!

Usually, you say you didn't eat something

but you did... like that soap I got.

It looked like a shell.

How does that make it more edible?

Shells can be pasta!

[Kimmy groans] I'm just saying.

This is great news.

You didn't do a terrible thing!

Never. This makes no sense.

I can still taste
the bronze of her earrings.

Drinking seawater
makes people hallucinate.

Haven't you ever read
"Rime of the Ancient Mariner"?

Sir. You should be able to tell
that I have not.

[groans] So I guess when I passed
that tooth last month...

it was my tooth.

And it fell out because of stress

and never, ever flossing in the back.

And let's not forget scurvy.

What a year I'm having!

[Lillian giggles]

Wait. You guys are friends now?

Oh, far more than friends.

We just made out in the street.

Like that World War II picture
of the sailor assaulting a nurse.

Fun fact: he was only pretending
to be a sailor.

[Lillian] Yeah, so we can't stay long.

We're going upstairs
as soon as the cats stop

freaking out from the storm.

-[Artie] Ruff.
-[Lillian] Mm.

Oh. No, you can't go.

I bought water and food,
and we can play these games.

These say they're for all ages,

and now we finally have all the ages.

And it'll be fun!

No crazy rules like,
"Do this. Wear that. Poop here."

Just good friends and great oldies.

This is my bunker, and it's gonna be

a positive bunkering experience.

Oh, when Kimmy was a kid, she--

You know what?

It's not as interesting
as she thinks it is.

Look, I had a bad time in a bunker once,
and I want this one to be different.

[Artie] Say no more.

You want to replace
your old, bad experience

with a new, good experience.

It's called exposure therapy,
and it works.

I went back to Vietnam in the early '80s

and had a lovely time.

Now when I wake up screaming,

it's about how good the food was.

Great example, Mr. Goodman.

And what's gonna make this a good bunker
is we get to choose who's in here with us.

And I want you and Lillian to stay.

We could cozy up down here.

-Yeah.
-Hope you guys don't mind a little PDA.

-[giggles]
-Porno with dead animals?

Girl, that's so much worse
than what it actually is!

Well, I'm always wrong the other way!

[gasps] Oh.

[sassy guitar and string music]

[Dionne Warwick] Ladies and gentlemen.

Oh. All right.

You know, we were trying to do
one of them-- them quick changes

that they do at a Katheryn Perry concert,

but I got stuck.

But you know what?

Wriggling up in here,

I'm having a sense memory
of my own birth...

just how eager I was
to leave the vaginal canal

and enter East Orange, New Jersey.

[light knock at door]

[playful music]

Hey.

I get why you didn't want to talk
about that cruise stuff.

'Cause jeez,
if you'd really eaten that old lady--

We'd be on the lam together.

Not to Canada. Mexico.
I need siesta culture.

No. I don't think I could be friends
with you anymore.

Like Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney
after they fought over that girl.

-You don't mean that.
-I mean...

I let you get away with a lot, mister.

I don't say anything
when you pretend to be pregnant

to get a seat on the bus.

Why carry a wig around
if I don't get to use it?

I let you propose to me in the park
so people will clap at you.

I bring you shopping with me
at Fashion Town

so you can hit on bored husbands.

The beauty of it is, they already
hate their wives for bringing them.

But murder?

That crosses the line.

So... you, like, have a line?

-I didn't know you had a line.
-Don't worry.

Only one human being
has ever crossed it...

and one gerbil.

They were your babies, Mrs. Furfur.

But I'm not letting someone like that
in my life again.

Well, I didn't murder anybody,

and now we don't ever have to speak again
of the Ocean Skank or the lifeboat

or how, when you're on a cruise ship,
the toilet is in your shower

and how I miss that! [sobs]

Wait, why were you on the lifeboat?

[thunder rumbles]

Oh! There was a fire

caused by a spark... in the sail room.

Typical cruise stuff.

The Ocean Skank sank so fast,
it wasn't even on the news.

But everyone survived, and the world
got a good tongue twister out of it.

The Ocean Skank sank.
The Ocean Skank sank.

Seven swimming shellfish
said the Ocean Skank sank.

[both laughing]

[door handle rattles]

Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

Eskimo kisses are a hard no.

Sometimes things that aren't dirty
are actually much grosser.

Yeah, like in the movies,

when a lady draws circles
with her finger in a guy's--

That. Ugh!

-Why? To what end?
-Please stop!

Well, hurricanes make people very sexual.

It's the barometric pressure.

Kimmy, if I wanted to see old people
get all worked up,

I'd go to a Lincoln dealership.

But if those two can't keep it
in their stretch pants, I'm leaving.

[Lillian] Aww, he's just jealous

'cause me and him have a thing

where if we're both still single
by the time we're 40,

we'll kill each other.

-[Artie chuckles]
-[Kimmy] Okay.

I didn't want any rules,
but maybe having a few rules

might help turn this bunker
into a fun-ker!

I do the wordplay here,
so stay in your Nathan Lane, Kim D.M.C.,

which stands for, "Don't. Mm-mm. C ya!"

[Artie] I can't follow any of this!

Everyone talks too fast.

I know.
It's like being at a party in the '80s.

Okay. Rule number one.

I think it's great that we have a loving,
consensual relationship in our bunker,

but let's try to keep it PG.

[Lillian] Okay, so no tobacco use,

and I can go topless
as long as it's violent.

Got it.

[Kimmy] Rule number two.

Share everything.

Rule number three.

No bad guys!

Heh, so it's a good thing
you didn't eat Dionne Warwick,

-right, Titus?
-Too soon.

Rule number four: no fighting.

Unless you're a hippo

and you're fighting
over a bunch of delicious marbles.

[laughs] Because the final rule
is no mind games.

Only board games.

So let's have fun!

Now, who likes Monopoly?

Ew. I'm not playing a game
where the whole point is to pay rent.

[Titus] What?

I'm just being my hilarious self

now that my soul isn't burdened
with its darkest secrets.

[chuckling]

I'm so excited to say that here,

in hour five of our telethon,

we have raised over $200,000,
five cars for kids,

and a ten-foot party hoagie
with extra gabbagool.

So take that, Hurricane Tammi-with-an-I!

-[rattling]
-[groans]

Dang it! All of these are missing pieces.

We're all missing something, Kimmy.

The little hat from Monopoly.

The tweezers from Operation.

And Clue is missing the rope,
which is, like, the fourth best weapon.

Girl. Fifth best.

And Life's got no baby pegs.

Those are worth money at the end.

Guess you sell their organs or something.

It's not a big deal.

I mean, you can't spell "funker"
without fun games,

but one of these has to...

Jackpot!

This puzzle is still in the shrink-wrap,

so it can't have any pieces missing!

Just macaroni and cheese?

That is a classic
shape and color challenge.

Ravensburger, you've outdone yourselves.

Thank you, Mr. Bruce Springsteen,

for that moving rendition
of "Rain, Rain, Go Away."

I hope it does. I hope it does.

Now me and this children's choir

are gonna sing
"That's What Friends Are For"

with New Jersey-specific lyrics.

[light keyboard music playing]

♪ Paramus ♪

-[thunder crashes]
-[Artie] Oh! Uh-oh.

What are we going to do in the dark?

-[indistinct moaning]
-What's that noise?

Is Chuck Schumer eating soup in here?

Don't worry. I'm prepared for this.

Get ready to get friggin' cozy.

-But there's no music.
-Titus could sing for us.

[Artie] Oh, yes, let's hear

what Dionne Warwick was so jealous of
in your imagination.

Oh, I don't think Titus
wants to talk about the cruise anymore.

That only applies to my secret shame,
Kimberly.

Artie's asking about my public glory.

Spotlight, please.

♪ Titus has a tale ♪

♪ To tell ♪

The musical was Mahogany.

I was hired as a swing member of the cast.

For those of you
who don't know the lingo,

that means I sang with the chorus,

and it was my responsibility
to move the scenery in the dark,

which I did not do.

Miss Dionne took me under her wing.

[old-timey jazz music]

Do you pray, Titus?

At least once a day
when I choke on something.

You should praise Jesus,

because you are blessed with a voice.

Titus, you make Patti LaBelle
sound like Barry White.

-Oh. [mouths words]
-And I should know.

Because I've done EpiPens on both of them.

I would sit at her feet,
taking in her wisdom,

like how when you forget the lyrics,
you just say...

♪ Mm, a-well-a-well-a-well ♪

[Titus] And she taught me that baby corns
are very good for your voice.

The nubs massage your vocal cords
on the way down.

But you got to keep 'em wet.

A wet baby corn is a singer's best friend.

See?

[Titus] I would run and get them for her

from the ship's salad bar
before every performance.

[ship creaking]

But then one day, Miss Dionne took ill.

[knocks]

Oh, no, no, no. Not now.

Miss Warwick made the mistake of going
down the tube slide at the pool today.

[Dionne Warwick moaning]

I love a slide. Oof. Ugh.

You never want to go near the water
on these boats, Titus,

especially the hot tubs and pools.

They're basically un-flushed toilets.

[Dionne Warwick moaning]

Miss Warwick, I think we should cancel
today's performances.

But the show must go on, Ricky Earl!

[Dionne Warwick moans softly]

My little Titus can go on in my place.

-He's ready.
-Me?

Miss Dionne, I-I don't know what to say.

Don't say a thing.

Sing.

♪ Those fatties ♪

♪ Shall be entertained! ♪

-Oh...
-[flatulence]

-[Dionne Warwick] Oh...
-Oh.

[indistinct chatter]

[Titus] I went on

as a gender-blind Tracey Chambers

for the next two days,

all nine shows, and I was amazing!

I was the talk of the midnight buffet,

and this time for good reasons.

But then...

we caught on fire, and the ship sank,

but everyone's fine. [chuckles]

♪ End of story ♪

Aw! Bravo!

Oh, boy!

The only music we had
when the lights went out in the bunker

was that little girl singing in Latin.

Ha! Who was she?

[thunder rumbles]

[Lillian] Just one more to go.

[playful music]

Ha-ha-ha.

Wait, where's the last piece?

No. No, no, no, no.

This can't be happening.

It was brand-new in the plastic
and everything.

Shrink-wrap is a scam.

It's like at a motel when they put that
piece of paper across the toilet seat.

Oh, yeah, like it's a new toilet
or something.

What are we, idiots?

Kimmy!
If they keep doing that, I'm leaving!

No one's allowed to leave!

[thunder crashes]

No. That's the bunker.

This is the funker!

No one wants to leave
because we're having too much fun.

[Kimmy giggles]

Titus, help me find
that stupid puzzle piece.

And you two, get in the box!

[thunder rumbles]

No. Get your giggles out!

[Kimmy laughs] All right, come on!

Yes!

Okay! Yeah!

Seven minutes in heaven!
Okay. Yes.

[giggles]

Okay.

Where is it? Titus, look for it.

Help me look for it.

Okay? It has to be here.

-Seven minutes in heaven.
-[laughs]

When was the last time you played this?

Nineteen eighty-nine, but Bill Cosby
didn't know I'd switched the soups.

[Artie] To be honest,
I don't do a lot of cardio anymore.

I'm kind of relieved
that the power's out.

Come here.

[Dionne Warwick speaking indistinctly]

[both laughing]

The lights work for you.

-You look pretty.
-Aw, you're nice.

I haven't been with anybody nice
since my husband died.

I haven't been with anybody
since my wife died.

Oh, foop.

-[wind whistling]
-[Dionne Warwick] Saving lives...

Did I say something wrong?

Was it the-- the dead wife part?

No, it's just,

how do you compete with a memory?

Memories are always better
than it really was.

Like, when you're a baby,
you love breast milk,

and then you have it as an adult,

and you're like, "What's the big deal?"

-[Dionne Warwick] Funny thing is...
-[Kimmy] Ugh, where is it?

Any luck?

The top and bottom
are both smooth innies,

and the left nubbin
is smaller than the right one,

but you can tell which way is up
by the noodle.

What do you mean,
what kind of stuff would she do?

Well, I just don't want to be
in the middle of it

and you're thinking, "Well, my dead wife
would've choked me harder."

Oh, this is a mess.

I shouldn't have taken that Viagra.

Lillian. It's fine.

We don't have to do anything.

I have a rep to protect, though.

I-I'm like Fonzie to those kids.

Oh, baby!

Yowza!

Oh, yeah!

-[Lillian] That's the business, pally!
-[dramatic musical flourish on TV]

[anchor] This is a New York None
"Weather on the Nones" update.

Hurricane Tammi-with-an-I
continues to wreak havoc

up and down the East Coast.

The Coast Guard has closed
the Port of New York

and ordered all vessels out to sea.

Bad news for passengers
on Carnivore Cruise Lines' Ocean Skank,

seen here earlier this morning.

-What?
-[thunder crashing]

[dramatic music]

You lied.

The Osen Shank didn't skink--

the Ocean Sink didn't shank--

the-- the Skank Kink shidn't--

Dang it!

The Ocean Skank didn't sink.

[door thudding]

-Aaayyy.
-We did stuff.

Heh, heh, heh.

So there was no fire, was there?

Was everything you told us a lie?

No! I was the lead in Mahogany.

But then...

Dionne Warwick got better.

[romantic music]

[knocks]

Oh, Miss Dionne.

You're up.

Yes, baby Ti-ti.

Oh, and God bless you
for understudying me.

You're going on.

I'm going back to the chorus,
singing group lines

and doing that dance
where I have to count out loud.

[chuckles] Are those my corns, dear heart?

But you know what?

-These are much too dry.
-[Dionne Warwick] Oh.

Let me get some corn juice
to baste them with.

Oh, thank you, my love.

♪ Welcome to the singing Laundromat ♪

♪ We are not responsible for theft ♪

♪ Welcome to the singing Laundromat ♪

♪ We are not responsible for theft ♪

I ran like an animal,

or some other kind of thing that runs.

A faucet, perhaps.

[dramatic music]

Support us and become VIP member
to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org

[Dionne Warwick]
♪ We are not responsible for theft ♪

♪ Welcome to the singing Laundromat ♪

[Dionne Warwick] Oh!

Thank you, Titus.

You are like a son to me.

Okay, Mommy. Eat your corns.

[humming]

[chuckles]

I waited half an hour
and returned to her dressing room,

certain that by now,
she'd be in the infirmary.

But I had underestimated her.

She is Jersey strong.

[door handle rattles]

Oh! Titus.

Have you seen Miss Warwick?

Oh, uh, check the infirmary.

She got sick again, so...

What do you mean "again," Titus?

How could you possibly know?

You.

You did this to me!

Mm.

[Ricky Earl] What's going on?

Why does it smell like a hot tub in here?
[gasps]

Titus, please. I have a family.

I cannot go back in the chorus.

It's my time now!

You're a monster!

I'm a star on the rise!

Ah!

[both yelling and choking]

-[Titus] I sprayed...
-No, Titus, no!

-[Titus] ...and sprayed and sprayed.
-I treated you like a son!

Like a son!

I sprayed them until the bottle was empty,

but it turned out
I wasn't only spraying them.

[romantic jazz music]

[indistinct chatter]

My final performance was my greatest.

But it will go unremembered.

I had inadvertently poisoned 220 people,

223 if you count the sound guys,
which I do not.

I knew I'd be fired, blacklisted,

maybe even arrested.

Also, as a cast member,

I was contractually obligated to help
during a medical emergency,

and I was like, "No, thanks."

So I grabbed my paychecks
and my bag of wigs--

oh, okay, that's what I ate--

and I headed for a lifeboat.

[sighs]

Okay. You made a mistake.

People make mistakes.

Like picking a bunch of board games
out of the trash

and expecting all the pieces to be there.

And I forgive you for that.

So...

[dramatic music]

You.

You had them all along!

And what is this?

An homage to Madonna's
iconic Philip Treacy headdress?

That's the missing puzzle piece.

You took it after we opened it.

Okay, yeah, but technically,

that didn't break any of your rules.

Oh, yes, it did!

-No bad guys!
-[wood thudding]

You are the most selfish person
I have ever met.

And I was imprisoned for 15 years
by a lunatic!

-What?
-Later.

Fudge this. Fudge this whole thing raw!

You know what, Titus?

I meant it when I said
I only wanted good people in my bunker.

You mean "funker."

I don't anymore.

And even with all the extra chances
I've given you,

I'm not sure you're a good person.

You can't kick me out of here.
One of my fake names is on the lease!

No, Trevor Millionaire can stay!

-I'm kicking me out of here!
-[Titus scoffs]

[Lillian] Oh, no, Kimmy, don't go.

[Kimmy] I am gonna crash with my friends
at Columbia.

Have a nice life.

You know I don't!

[door bangs]

You know, some people say
global warming is a hoax

perpestrated by the Chinese,

but I say, "Show me the receips!"

Because why would Xi Jinping

want to flood my basement
and rust my Bowflex?

To what end?

♪ To what end? ♪

[Dionne Warwick] ♪ To what end? ♪

Not to be the rich guy,
but I can't tell what's trash or not.

Not the pizza boxes!

I'm saving those to make soup.

[sighs]

-What are you doing?
-Finally getting my man cave back.

Give me a break. You never used this room.

Because it was haunted by the ghost
of that water bug you killed.

That was just a different water bug
who got trapped in a Kleenex.

Throw these away, though, right?

-Those are prescription!
-[Artie] Smart.

Frames is where they get you.

Don't you remember how things used to be
before Kimmy?

Mm.

We screamed at each other
two to three hours a day,

and you never had a nice boyfriend,

and you never had a good job,

and people thought you were autistic

'cause you wore those
New Year's glasses everywhere.

I chose to hear "artistic."

If Kimmy was here right now,

she would tell you
to beg Kimmy to come back.

Oh, yeah? Well, what would she say to you?

She'd say I shouldn't screw things up
with Artie

just because I'm afraid
I'm not as good as his dead wife,

and she'd tell me
I'm perfect the way I am.

And I would believe her
because that sweet dummy,

if she loves us,

there must be something good about us.

Ah, damn it all to hell.

Now I have to take Artie upstairs
and bang him.

He's probably gonna cry after,

which'll just set the cats off again.

[exhales sharply]

You got to admit...

she makes us both better people.

I mean, look at you.

Two months without her,
you poisoned a Grammy winner.

And Kimmy can never know this,

but I did eat a dolphin.

Mm.

You're right.

I need my Kimmy.

-Yeah!
-Heavenly Father!

-I need my Kimmy!
-Oh.

Go get her, Titus!

Hey! You allergic to cats?

-No.
-You're gonna be.

Joining me now
is Tenafly's own Lea Michele,

and we're gonna sing an original song

that, interestingly enough,
was written by no one.

Hit it!

[light piano music playing]

♪ We're stronger than the hurricane ♪

♪ From Piscataway right up to Wayne ♪

♪ New Jersey's gonna be okay ♪

♪ Even though Chris Christie
Floated away ♪

♪ Stronger than the surge ♪

♪ Of the mighty ocean ♪

♪ You've got to muster up the cour'ge ♪

♪ To face all your emotions ♪

♪ Reach out, take my hand ♪

♪ Get in the boat, we'll find dry land ♪

♪ 'Cause we're stronger than this storm ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

You can totally stay here.

We'll just tell them
you're our Emotional Support Human.

Does that mean I can go
into restaurants with you?

-[glass shatters]
-[gasping]

[Kimmy] What?

Oh, great, it's you!

I used too big a rock!

And also, it took me a while
to find the right window.

But I need you, Kimmy.

Yeah, to rub your feet
and wash your cereal bowls

and go refill your MetroCard
when you "literally can't right now."

No. I need you
'cause you're my conscience.

You make me a better person.

You have to learn to be a good person
on your own, Titus.

I know. And I'm trying.

But I'm not there yet.

I'm a moral fetus, Kim.

I absorb niceness from your umbilicals.

Don't abort me!
This is taking a weird turn.

What will it take to make you come home?

Please!

I'll wear jeans.

I'll let you open the tapes.

I'll go to the zoo with you.

In the winter?

When the polar bears aren't sad?

I'll do whatever you want!

You know what I want.

You know what I've always wanted.

Get down here, bitch.

[Dionne Warwick]
♪ Look to the sky that's scary gray ♪

♪ And hope the clouds get blown away ♪

♪ It's dark, but you know what to do ♪

♪ Just wait until the sun
Comes shining through ♪

♪ Until then, remember ♪

♪ Stronger than the roll ♪

♪ Of the mighty oceans ♪

♪ You've got to reach down in your soul ♪

♪ To face all your emotions ♪

♪ I'm here, take my hand ♪

♪ We still got a boat
There's still dry land ♪

♪ We're stronger than this storm ♪

♪ Hoo ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Yeah, all right ♪

-Good night, everybody!
-Good night!