Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - Kimmy Learns About the Weather! - full transcript

[dreamy music]

[glasses clinking]

[dolphin chattering] I know what you did!

[foreboding music]

[woman chanting]

Heavenly Father!

[upbeat music]

[Bankston] ♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪



♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

That's gonna be, uh...

you know, a fascinating transition.

[singers] ♪ Damn it ♪

-Morning, Titus.
-What? I'm not mourning anyone.

No one's dead, especially not
a five-time Grammy Award winner

and one-time Whitney Houston cousin.

Jeez. Are you okay?



I know I'm not supposed to ask questions
about your bedroom noises,

but it sounded like you were fighting
a dolphin in there.

Oh, I was just...

practicing my Rosetta Stone dolphin tapes.

[mimics dolphin clicking]
Sea lions control the media!

Oh. So does this mean you're thinking
of doing another cruise?

Enough about me.
I haven't asked you anything.

Girl, what on earth is the haps?

How are you, bestie?

[sighs]

To be honest, not great.

I met this hot black guy--

And we became roommates.

No. He's a fellow coed.

His name is Perry,
and we went to first base

all over each other.

Ooh.

His lips are softer
than the baked potato I practice on.

Ugh. Ah.

But just like that potato,
he turned out to be rotten.

He told me he wants to be a reverend.

It's hard enough for me to trust people,

especially men.

You know, I once had a stepdad
for a month--

Well, great talk.

Lillian enters as Titus
crosses to his bedroom.

Turn on the TV!

I'm on the news.

And it's not just a sketch of me.

...councilwoman who's leading the fight

against a new Big Naturals superstore
in East Dogmouth.

WNBC's NewsYUKO has more.

This is it! Shut the hell up, Kimmy.

And I'll be damned
if this hotsy-totsy rich mother--

[announcer]
This is a News-4 weather alert.

What?

They cut me off like
I'm some "who cares" fluff piece

about a blind kid who loves his mailman.

He does?

[man on TV] Some epic weather

headed straight
for New York's own New York City area.

I'm chief meteorologist Drench Thunderman

here with an update
on Hurricane Tammi-with-an-I.

[thunder rumbles on TV]

As you might expect from that graphic,

-the National Weather Service--
-[scoffs]

Speaking of people screwing me over,

Titus, you haven't paid your share
of the rent since you've been back.

I don't know how things worked
on that cruise ship,

but on this tugboat--

Cruise ship? What cruise ship?

Tugboat? W-what tugboat?

-I'm busy, Titus.
-Busy, Lillian.

[both] I got to, um...

...take the boom box in
to get its heads cleaned.

...check on my illegal day care.

I mean, who said that?

[both] Goodbye!

Ooh! Hey. Oh.

It's time to go, girl.

[yelps]

[Drench] ...hurricane.

She's expected to make landfall
anytime in the next 12 hours

and promises to be as horrible

as that spelling of Tammi.

With air temps hovering
right around freezing...

Okay, nerd, let's get something straight.

I need your help,
but I am not your friend.

I will not be making you over for a dance,

and if you take your glasses off,

I will not be all, "Wait. Kyle?"

[laughs] I'm cool, okay?

-Yes, sir.
-[sighs]

I need a standard
five-year boom box tune-up.

I'm sorry, sir, I don't know what that is.

Is it a Zune?

This is why everybody hates you, Kyle.

You know I'm only hanging out with you
because of a bet.

I'll take what I can get, sir.

[voice on TV] Foop.

It's time to go, girl.

[light music on TV]

Exercise? Please.

[scoffs] I don't have time for this.

It's time to go, girl.

[sighs]

[cartoon bladder] Mm-hmm.

Party over.

It's time to go, girl.

[woman]
Is an overactive bladder the boss of you?

Talk to your doctor about Urethrex.

No one tells me what to do.

[quirky ominous music]

What the foop is this soup?

[cartoon bladder]
What the foop is this soup?

[musical flourish on TV]

[machinery rumbling]

Thanks, Scott.

Councilwoman Kaushtupper.

I hope Titus is feeling better.

What's it to you?

I'm the one who has
the life insurance policy on him.

Now let's get down to brass balls.

You said nothing happens here
without my say-so.

And nothing's happened.

I don't know if you enjoy
observational humor

in the style of Seinfeld,

but how come for every guy digging a hole,
it takes five other guys watching him?

[laughing]

What are you doing to protect

the historic importance of this site?

The chicken slaughterhouse, yes.

We will be preserving the staircase

that the chickens were forced to climb

before they were golfed to death.

[Lillian] Oh.

Okay.

But I doubt you're aware
that this very spot

is where the horse Bianca Jagger
rode into Studio 54

was found later that night.

I'll never forget the Post cover.

"Horse Found."

That was before they did puns.

And I will be honoring Bandit
with this plaque.

And you'll be pleased to know

we'll be building a footbridge

so the homeless guy
who likes yelling at the river

can still access the part of the river
he's most furious at.

Any other concerns, Councilwoman?

Hey!

Stop!

It's not hammer time!

Do you even know this Big Naturals

is not a strip club?

What the hell
are we even doing here, then?

How come everyone
always gets confused by this?

Every national chain sounds disgusting--

Jack in the Box, Hardee's, The Gap,

Jiffy Lube, Dick's, BJ's Wholesale!

And he thinks that it's ridiculous

that five of you need to watch
one guy dig a hole!

You believe this guy?

He's got some-- Nuh-uh. Uh-uh.

Absolutely not.

Hey, where do you get off, pal?

I'm a fourth-generation hole watcher.

They'll never make a YUKO
that can watch a hole better than a human.

Let's go, fellas!

We're on strike!

[martial drum music]

[Artie] Hey, guys.

See ya.

Now, of course, in a real sharknado,

you also have to worry about whales.

Gentle giants of the deep,
monsters of the sky.

-[water splashes on TV]
-[yelps]

Is this the end of the world?

The end of the world?

Maybe.

So stock up on canned goods and water

and prepare to be inside
for who knows how long.

If you've got a bunker,
get in it and lock the hatch.

Gus?

You heard the man.

Get in a bunker, Kimmy.

No, Gus Rosendale.

No!

The world is ending.

But for real this time.

Oh, you sweet dum-dum.

That's just the news now.

They try to scare you for ratings.

You can't trust these guys.

What?

I can't trust the news?

Yeah, well, none of it ever comes true--

swine flu,

killer bees,

hot tub babies,

a woman president.

And the weathermen now, they're the worst.

In the '70s, we called it rain.

So he's lying?

He told me to buy canned food
and get in a bunker.

He told me the fudging world was ending!

Just like you-know-who.

[the Reverend] Uh-oh!

I'm not ready to meet Jeepers!

The Reverend said I need to lose
five pounds first.

[the Reverend] Oh, no, a fire monster!

Throw water on it!

[the Reverend] It's not that easy, Cyndee.

[in Spanish] No! I always thought I'd die

in a good old-fashioned bus accident!

I don't like being lied to
about "apocalypsises."

[Drench] Grocery stores emptying out

as Tammi-with-an-I
threatens to turn Manhattan into Haiti.

Get ready, 'cause Sean Penn is on his way.

Oh, don't worry, honey.
Sean Penn isn't real.

They just made him up to scare kids.

Drench Thunderman
is Reverending the entire city.

I've got to warn people
that he's just a liar with amazing teeth.

[Lillian] Ooh.

Turn on the news.

That's where
all the old-people commercials are.

My likeness and my mouthness
were stolen by a drug company.

They turned me into a bladder.

Brother, you're always thinking
that people are ripping you off.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that guy

who loves Patti LaBelle's pies
isn't copying you.

Please, everybody knows
I'm always saying "Patti" like that.

Patti! Patti!

Bladdy!

Foop! We're not doing this.

It's time to go, girl.

Move it.

Did that bladder just say "foop"?

And that scarf and the face?

And that thigh gap?

[woman] Is your overactive bladder
acting like a gay black diva?

Titus, it's you.

But how?

Before the cruise-- What cruise? Shut up!

I did audition for a drug commercial.

But I read for the part of "white doctor."

[sighs] I nailed it, by the way.

That must be how they heard your voice.

Those bastards.

Now I know
how Kimmy's kissing potato felt...

used and thrown away.

[sighs] I need to take a walk.

-Oh.
-Titus.

-Don't do it.
-No, please!

[Lillian] You'll never make it.

[cartoon bladder] Don't listen to them!

You best get going, bitch.

I will, but not because you said so.

Whatever. You're doing it.

[man on TV]
Let's go to Drench...

[Lillian sighs]

He's on his own.

I've got a city to save.

A bladder? Please.

It's time to go, girl.

Titus! I knew it.

That's you, right?

Ha! Man, those pee-pee commercials
are all up in my porns.

You must be rich now!

Wait. Should I be mugging you?

Sir, if I were rich, do you think
I'd be talking to you right now?

I'd be eating real mayonnaise
with a metal spoon.

But Big Pharma just prints money, man.

Yeah, they spend a lot on R&D,

but once the drug gets approved
by the FDA,

they got a 20-year patent.

I know 'cause I'm also in the drug biz.

Take a pen.

Well, Big Pharma, I'm gonna make you wish

you ripped off someone
with less time on their hands.

I got your texts, Goodman.

Thanks for coming.

Care for a water?

A handful of loose tuna?

Please, sit.

I have just one question.

What is wrong with you?

You're what's wrong with me.

'Cause you're a traitor, Joe,

who thinks that just because
he has real mayonnaise--

No, no, no, no. I'm asking about you.

What is wrong with you as a human being?

'Cause this isn't really about me.

You know I wasn't born
with a silver spoon in my mouth.

Well, I was, but only because my mother

wanted to smuggle the family spoon
out of Poland.

I grew up poor, right here in the city.

My father was a bricklayer.

"Brick" was slang for a certain type
of wealthy, older woman.

Yeah?

My family was a living diorama
in the Tenement Museum.

It's not a contest, Lillian.

I'm saying we're the same.

We fought for the same ideals.

And then you sold out.

No! I succeeded.

And now I get to bring good jobs

and great food to millions of Americans.

Look, I'm one of the good guys.

My employees get health care.

Our food animals all get to meet
Michael Jordan before they die.

-[scoffs]
-And your neighborhood is a dump.

I can only make it better.

My late husband is rolling over
in my wall right now.

He loved East Dogmouth.

And we were happy there.

I'm sorry.

My wife died five years ago.

When did you lose your husband?

September...

1976.

Forty years ago?

Oh, my God! Get over it!

People die!

Allen Ginsberg is dead.

Richard Pryor is dead.

Bob Dylan is dead...

to me.

Can't show up and get a Nobel Prize?

Rude.

How could you be stuck in the '70s?

Everything we fought for back then
was about change.

Yeah, but then some of us realized
that change sucks eggs.

There is such a thing as good change.

It's called progress.

Oh, what a crock.

Ooh, jet packs, a decent Tupac hologram.

And please don't get me started
on the Second Avenue Subway.

It was just a lie

told by good guys like you.

Well, I guess
you've got it all figured out.

And me...

a guy with a monogrammed stapler,

knows nothing.

Oh, you know something--

how to be a real schmuck.

I talked last.

[quirky dramatic music]

[laughs]

That was a productive lunch, Sharon.

So what's the weekend looking like?

Schlepping the twins
around Westchester, I bet.

[laughs]

Can I help you, sir?

Oh, please.

"Sir" is Sir Anthony Hopkins' name.

Call me someone who works here.

Step aside, sir.

Look, I just need to talk to someone
about the money you guys owe me.

Unrelated question:

how often do you receive big cakes
that a person could fit in?

Good afternoon, Mr. Bortz.
Are they expecting you?

Oh, call me Dale.

I'm just going in to record
a couple radio spots.

Shouldn't take long, and then...

[in cartoon bladder's voice]
it's time to go, girl.

[both laugh]

[indistinct, panicked chatter]

[spluttering]

Ugh! Whistle noise!

You guys are being lied to!

You don't need to stock up on

Vaseline or...

more Vaseline?

I'd also love to buy your shoes, you know,
if you've ever worn them without socks.

Seriously, don't listen to the news!

It's all lies!

[cell phone ringing]

Titus, no one will listen to me.

I'm glad you asked, Kimmy.
I found him. Me.

I'm white.

Wait. Who?

The monster masquerading as "moy."

Keep up.

But no one here will listen to me,

so I have to find that phony
and make him tell the truth.

Titus, you're a genius!

[chuckles] Almost a perfect 100 IQ.

Drench Thunderman's on TV
saying the world is ending,

but I can't convince everyone in New York
that he's a liar.

So I have to find him
and make him fess up.

Oh, but you don't want to go
confronting him without practicing first.

What if you mess up?

Ugh! If only there were another TV liar
you could confront first.

But, Titus, there is!

Your liar guy!

Is there any chance I can come--

Fifty-third and Sixth,
across from the Sbarro's.

Sbarro's: let the airport come to you.

Artie Goodman and his progress
and his dolphin-safe tuna.

I mean, why do we have to keep them safe?

They're riddled with STDs.

Just look it up.

Whoa, whoa.

Be careful, lady.

Oh, what is this,

one of those fake subway stations
that creeps build

where the stairs just lead to a room
with a dirty parasol and a video camera?

You would think that, being so far uptown.

This is the South Doggypaws stop
on the T train.

The T train? That's the--

Second Avenue Subway. I know!

It's finally happening.

I guess jet packs are next.

Oh. I'm not invited
to your fancy rooftop party, Stacy?

Oh. I gave up on the Second Avenue Subway
40 years ago.

Am I dreaming?

Hey, punch me in the face.

You know they were
supposed to stop at 125th,

but now they got that
big sludgefront development

with the fancy grocery store.

Progress, I guess.

[rousing orchestral music]

It's time to go, girl.

[car beeps]

[Titus] It's time to stop, Mr. Dale Bortz.

Oh, God, it's you.

Look, man, I don't want any trouble.

Too bad,

'cause I'm like the game closet
at Jeanie Shamanski's house.

All I got is Trouble!

[Dale] Please, please, don't hurt me!

I have ferrets at home!

You better make like me eating beans drunk
and spill the beans.

And then eat them off the floor!

Shut up, girl.

How'd you steal my voice?

How do you think?
He's an Ursula the Sea Witch, Titus.

No. No. I'm an impressionist.

They showed me your audition.

It's on my phone in my pocket.

[whimpers]

Oh.

I said no throwing!

[sighs]

That's why they call me Catchin' Titus.

Ferret wedding, ferret wedding,
ferret wedding.

Damn, Dale.

Okay, here we go.

[Ken] Whenever you're ready, Titus.

Talk to your doctor about Urethrex.

[Ken] Okay, thanks.

I can give you options.

[in cockney accent]
Talk to your doctor, Guvna!

[perplexedly]
Talk to your doctor about Urethrex?

[in desperate cockney accent]
Talk to your doctor, Guvna!

[Ken] Thank you. We're good--

[in cockney accent]
Talk to your doctor, Guvna!

[in normal voice]
Okay, I get it, Ken, and I agree.

The problem is the writing.

I mean, where's the jingle?

Oops! It's right here.

[laughs]

♪ Urethrex makes you feel good ♪

♪ 'Cause it reopens your peehole ♪

[Ken] That's not what it does.

-I have no bones.
-What?

-[Titus laughing]
-[men grunting]

[Richard] Damn it, it's like that time
a bear drowned in my pool.

[sighs] Rule one: make them remember you.

Foop. It's time to go, girl.

They used every part of the Titus,

including my ability
to make up catchphrases at will.

"Get small, muchachos."

[Kimmy] Titus, wait.

There's more videos of you on there.

What? How?

This is Big Pharma
we're talking about, man.

They're everywhere.

They've had a P.I.
following you around for months,

taping you so I could learn your voice.

Excuse me. You only gave me a bun.

No, sir.

You turn around and eat hot dog.

You still chewing it!

Oh, so that's why
you run a hot dog cart--

because you're a mouth expert!

[Kimmy] So Black History Month
is every other month

and you're not allowed to walk?

That's the rules they did
while you were in the bunker.

[Titus] Okay, nerd,
let's get something straight.

Well, the joke's on them,
'cause now I have proof.

Let me just email this to myself.

with an N.

[yelps]

You've got to give me a high five
after that.

I can't. It's Black History Month.

Can I go now?

I have to leave before the storm hits.

Mini Coopers shrink when they get wet.

Time to go fudge up a weatherman.

[Kimmy] Come on, Drench.

Come outside and see your storm.

You know, someday a real rain will come

and wash all the scum off the streets.

-[banging and whirring]
-[crunches]

You know, that is
a very advanced question, YUKO.

I love your curiosity.

But, in fact, no,
rain and tears are different.

See, the--

You're gonna rot in heck
for tricking people!

'Cause tricks are for kids,
and I'm all out of kids.

Is this about the money I owe?

I thought all parts of the buffet
were unlimited!

Admit there's no storm, Drench Thunderman.

[grunts] What?

You're just scaring people
so they'll keep watching.

Okay, maybe I go a little overboard.

A little?

You make the movie Overboard
look like a lighthearted comedy

instead of a messed-up story
about a handyman

enslaving a woman with a brain injury.

You lied.

No, I just need people to listen.

The data says Tammi-with-an-I
is gonna hammer New York.

Yeah, sometimes I'm wrong,
like with Hermine and Matthew.

But Sandy was terrible.

Every weather system is unique,

but today the barometer is falling,

the Atlantic is too warm,

and my calf implants are killing me.

There is a storm coming.

Okay.

Maybe you're not lying.

Only about my name.

It's actually Ricky Ann Sprinkles.

And every storm is different.

Exactly, just like snowflakes
or Subway sandwich artists.

Or bunkers.

Maybe a bunker can be a good thing,

a safe place.

I've got a bunker to build.

Well, you were a lot of help!

What if that had been the guy
from Golden Corral?

[YUKO whirs and clicks]

All right, Titus, you got us.

We based the Urethrex bladder on you.

Mm-hmm.

Bitch better have my money.

The thing is, bitch doesn't have to have
your money.

See, you signed a blanket release
at your audition.

We own your voice, your likeness,
and your unique sense of style.

You mean Uptown Gayby?

We call it Dumpster Sassy, but, yes.

I don't overstand.
I don't even understand.

If you liked me so much,
why didn't you hire me?

[both laugh]

Titus, after that audition,
we knew two things.

There was no way we were gonna hire you.

And we had a whole new concept
for the Urethrex campaign.

You see, the original bladder
was more of an Urkel,

a sweet nerd who shows up
whenever he isn't wanted.

Nerds are the worst. I shove them.

Your nonsense made us realize

that the bladder could be
much more effective as a villain.

[Titus] Villain?

But Titus the bladder is a hero.

He keeps that lady from getting
on a smelly outdoor horse.

He stops her from hanging out
with a child.

He saves her from dancing
with that basic husband of hers.

That guy puts the "no thanks"
in "thanks, but no thanks."

No.

Those are all things
the woman wants to do.

The bladder isn't a hero.

It's ruining that woman's life,

like you ruined your audition.

So I'm the bad guy?

[bittersweet music]

There was a hot dog in that bun.
I was just trying to get another one.

We know, Titus.

Want to take boner pills
and go to an aquarium?

You know it.

[men] Hey, hey, ho, ho!

-[men] It takes five guys to watch a hole!
-[Tony] Scab!

-[men] Hey, hey, ho, ho!
-[Tony] You're a scab!

[men] It takes five guys to watch a hole.

[Lillian] Hey.

You want to know what's wrong with me?

I hate change,

'cause every change in my life
has been rotten--

my husband dying,
me constantly getting hit by Citi Bikes,

caller ID ruining my crank yanking,

and this mole.

Looks like a skull.

This morning, it was Michigan.

It's changing too fast.

[men chanting indistinctly]

But then...

I saw the South Doggypaws subway station.

All my life, progress has been a lie.

But then you put your money
where your mouth is.

And now I'd like to put my mouth
where your mouth is.

[dramatic music]

[Lillian gasping] Whoa.

-You taste like Velamints.
-Oh.

-Oh! Oh, brother.
-[thunder rumbles]

Oh, w-we better get out of here.

We'll catch our death.

We better get inside.

We can't be out in the rain at our age.

My sister-in-law, Phyllis--

very active, tennis group,
the whole thing--

goes outside one time with wet hair...

dead!

-Dead? Oh.
-We'll get a cab.

But they charge two bucks
just to turn on the meter.

And do I swipe my charge card,
or is it this business with the chip?

Oh, the amazing chip.

-[dreamy music]
-[thunder rumbling]

-[men cheering]
-I love love.

Titus, I'm building a bunker,

here in this apartment.

But it's gonna be my bunker this time.

So it's gonna be fair.

People don't get extra beans

just because they went as the Reverend
for Halloween.

It's gonna be fun.

We're gonna play those board games
I found in the trash.

Wait.

Why are you doing the Barbies' hair?

You only do Salon de Titus
when you're upset.

I'm a villain, Kimmy.

Maybe that's why I love capes so much.

[mysterious musical flourish]

All these years,
I blamed a cruel and jealous world

for my lack of success, but it's my fault.

Because like that little bladder,
I only care about number one.

Come on. That's not true.

I've ruined every opportunity
I've ever been given.

But you got that part in Mahogany.

By accident.

And they loved you.
You were the star of the show.

-I bet they'd hire you again in a--
-Never.

They'll never hire me again
in a million years!

Why?

What did you do?

The worst thing Titus has ever done...

the unthinkable.

What are you saying, Titus?

What haven't you told me?

-Everything!
-[thunder crashes]

But like an overactive bladder...

I got to let it out, girl!

[dramatic musical flourish]

-Good night, everybody!
-Good night!