Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - Kimmy Steps on a Crack! - full transcript

The FBI enlists Kimmy's help when former mole woman Gretchen tries to start a cult of her own. Titus is stricken with a strange disease.

Ugh, come on, Kimmy.

You know it's okay to step on cracks.

Just because something rhymes
doesn't mean it's true,

'cause I've definitely smelt
what I know Titus dealt.

It's silly, like...

thinking every van I see
is gonna kidnap me.

-Get in the van, Kimmy.

[quirky trumpet music]

-Ms. Schmidt.
-It is clobbering time!


[Yermuther] No!

Ms. Schmidt-- FBI. We need your help.

Oh, Christmas. I am so sorry.

Are you okay, Agent Yermuther?

I think she broke my back.

[whispering] I broke Yermuther's back.

-[Yermuther groans]
-[Dunleavy] Easy.

-[Dunleavy] Easy, easy.
-[Yermuther] Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

[upbeat music]

[Bankston] ♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

That's gonna be, uh...

you know, a fascinating transition.

[singers] ♪ Damn it ♪

[mournful orchestral music]

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I need you, Lillian.


Oh, well, I see you finally found

the trash-picked baby monitor
I hid in here

to listen to you and Kimmy.

And, God, you two are boring.

When are you gonna do it already?

I have a cold,
and Kimmy went to get me medicine,

and she's not back, and I hate her.

[Lillian chuckles]

Well, you know how she gets
when she goes to the drugstore.

She starts giggling
at the diarrhea medicine,

and then the giggling gives her diarrhea.

It's a whole thing.


whatever you got
looks like worse than a cold.

[gasps] What's this rash?

I was hoping it was just some jelly,

despite several taste tests
indicating it is not.

And these bruises. Bumps too.

You got it all.

I'm not supposed to die this way.

A fortune teller told me
she was going to kill me

if I didn't pay her,
which I still have not done.

Let's find a computer.

Okay, here we go.

Uh, rash...

Bumps. What else?

Six-four, triathlete, doctor.

Everyone lies online, Lillian.


Ooh, fever, swollen joints.

Oh, 'cause you're perfect.

Snake hair, never has stamps, is white.

Holy diagnosis, black man.

It says you have scurvy.

[Titus] Scurvy?

What is it?

It's an old pirate's disease
that comes from not eating

-enough fruits and vegetables.
-Sex with riverboat captains?

Fruits and vegetables?

That sounds like a whole wing
in a 1950s insane asylum.



[dramatic music]

Still got it, maybe now more than ever?

Oh, God! Help me, Lillian!

Schmidt, I believe you know this woman.

[Kimmy] Gretchen?

Yesterday we received some intelligence

about the church Ms. Chalker
is running out of a compound

in rural Pennsylvania.

Rural Pennsylvania?

I hope I'm dressed okay.

Can we stop by whatever a Century 21 is
in Pennsylvania?

That would be a Boscov's, ma'am.

[Yermuther] I can't get into specifics,

but we have reason to believe
that Chalker is dangerous.

What do you want me to do?

Maybe someone she knows
can help talk her out.

Cyndee Pokorny
and Donna Maria Nuñez already tried,

but they were just terrible.

Gretchen, don't do anything
you're gonna regret!

Like how bangs always seem
like a good idea,

but then you get home, and then--

You know what? I'm gonna get bangs.

[in Spanish] Only local media?

Are you serious?

I didn't come all the way out here

to promote my appearance on

Shark Tank Español to the Amish!

[helicopter rotors whirring]

I'll do what I can.

To be honest,
this may be a little bit my fault.

[Dunleavy] Ms. Chalker mentioned that.

She also mentioned
that you stole her boyfriend.

I didn't steal him.

He was made of cans, and I had the magnet.

[lively classical music]

[knocking at door]

[Jacqueline laughs]

Oh, you caught me mid-laugh.


I want to steal your youth.


Breathe into my mouth.



[Duke] I can see Russ finally

got around to buying you a wedding band.

Actually, the doctors
took this out of him.

I think it was part of the car.

Could I tempt either of you
with a bourbon?

Oh, I don't know.
Are we raging alcoholics?


-It affects our lives!
-[Jacqueline laughs]

Jacqueline, you're a good woman.

No offense.

-[Duke] Mm-hmm.

So how long are you in town?

We got to blimp back to D.C.
after the engagement party.

Oh, I don't want to embarrass myself
at the luncheon.

Which Mara sister is Flash marrying again,

Kate or Rooney?

Oh, no, he wasn't that lucky.

He got the third one, Mara Mara.

"Mara" is the only word she can say.

It's kind of a Hodor situation.

But it's great for the families.

We own the Redskins. They own the Giants.

Papa John is gonna officiate.

They're registered at Modell's, FYI.

Oh, one simply has to go to Mo's.


we are so glad
that you're part of the family now

and that you'll be joining us
this afternoon.

Just don't make eye contact with Mara.

She sees it as a sign of aggression.

[Orson] We want to be sure that you know

-that even though Russ is smooshed...

...you'll be taken care of.

You'll have access to his trust fund,

to his Yankee Candle loyalty account,

and to the family Jet...

magazine subscription.

Well, thank you,

but all I really want is my Russ back.


Did Vin Diesel just walk in here?

Because that was some great acting.


You don't have to pretend with us.

The only reason anyone would marry Russ

is because he's rich.

I mean, even our wives are in it
for the money,

and we're handsome.

[chuckles] If he wasn't my son,
perhaps I'd be dating him.

[chuckles] The other day my wife spent
a million dollars on a painting.

Why? We have photography now.

Well, at least your wife is still hot.

I know. Mom's a dog now.

[Orson sighs]

I'm so sorry, Dad.

-[Orson] Yeah, well...
-[exhales deeply]

We'll see you later at the Maras'.

Oh, oh, as you approach the house,

rattle a can of change or something

just in case Mara Mara's in the bushes.


Well, thank you for stopping in.

You have a few hours before the party.

Maybe you can see Russ at the hospital.


No, Dad and I are gonna have tea
at the American Boy store.

Speaking of Russ,

did he leave anything here?

Just some luggage.

And all my pillows are stained
with his nightmare sweat.


It's just... every time
there's a family gathering,

we always have
Meemaw's famous corn pudding.

-[Duke] And after Meemaw died, I think

Russ ended up with the recipe.

Anyway, I know
it's a shot in the dark, but--

That's how Meemaw died.

But it's on her.
She knew we were night hunting.

[Duke] If you find the recipe,
let us know.

It'd be great to carry on the tradition
at the party.

Of course.
You know I'd do anything for the Snyders.


-Come on, Pop.

[chuckles weakly] Oh, God.

How do I have a vitamin C deficiency?

I've been taking a supplement for years.

Are these just buttons?

[Lillian] Here we go.

A salad.

Stouffer's French Bread Salad.

The only ingredient is "chunks."

Of what?

[Titus sighs]


they got oranges here.

Oh, no, these are just a bunch
of Garfield heads.

Is it weird that
we have to buy our food from a place

that also sells Jason masks
and loose hamsters?

[Lillian] What? No.

Hey, mister,

listen, I want to order some fresh fruit.

No new orders.
We're going out of business.

Take a feral bodega cat.

-[cat meows]
-Out of business? Why?

[dramatic music]


Now my teeth are wiggly, Lillian.

And you know the Tooth Fairy
won't come to this neighborhood

ever since I cheated on him.

[cat meows]

[police sirens whoop]

[indistinct chatter]

[dramatic music]

Gretchen, it's Kimmy Schmidt.

Can I come in?

I'm unarmed,
except for the arms I was born with,

and I'm not wearing a wire,

except in my bra,
'cause I need the support.

But that's my business!

Okay! But don't try anything funny!

[door closes]

I wish she hadn't said that.

Now all I want to do is funny stuff...

like go down these stairs.

[Yermuther] Ma'am, that bit doesn't work
without some kind of partition.

What do you want, Kimmy?

I'm kind of in the middle of something.

Yeah, what's going on?

The FBI is out there, and they have guns,

and there's a dog with a badge.

Why didn't I pet him? I was right there.

He looked at me.

What's going on? Oh!

I'm just doing what you told me to do.

Okay, I get that
you want to blame me,

but I didn't tell you to do this.

Oh, really?

Then what redheaded snake
offered me this apple?

[goofy voice] "You don't need a man.
You can do a cult all by yourself."

That's your snake voice?

Guess you don't meet a lot of snakes.

"It's 2016. Women can run cults."

Wrong and wrong, Kimmy!

'Cause they can't,
and, also, it's 2017 now.

Well, it was 2016 when I said it.

This doesn't work in reverse.

I did everything the men do.

I got a compound. I wrote my scripture.

I got a bunch of child husbands.

You got child hus-whats?

[dramatic trumpet music]

[video games zapping]

[boy] Oh, you're such a tool!

[overlapping chatter]

[boy] No! Not that! That!


Gretchen, your lamp broke, on its own.

I saw you, Jasper!

Wait. Where's all the firewood?

We're building a ramp!

[both] Yeah!

[boy] Oh, my God, that's gross!

-So gross!

I never told you
to kidnap a bunch of boys.

Do you, like, do stuff with them?

Ugh! Why would I want to be
with a bunch of skinny virgins

who lie about showering?

I didn't lie. I-I showered.

-You didn't!
-I can smell you from here.

See? This doesn't work in reverse.

Uh, when's lunch?

I spend 80% of my day making sandwiches,

because lizard god forbid

they learn how to put peanut butter
on bread.

Okay, I remember us
making our own beans.

It's easier if I just do it.

[TV blaring]

Is there something educational
you two want to watch?

[male narrator]
The orca are highly social animals...

And no screens until you finish
your drawings of Jeebus and Gorp.

That should be a fun assignment.

-[groans] Fine!

[male narrator]
...including clicks, whistles, and...

Gretchen, you don't seem very happy.

Oh, I'm supposed to be happy now, too?

I don't even know what that means anymore.

I'm just saying this isn't working.
You're miserable.

Why don't you just go out there
and surrender?

You mean give up? No.

Cults is the only thing
I've ever cared about,

and I'm not gonna let this be a failure,

'cause I'm gonna do one thing right.

I'm gonna finish it like a man.

Oh, my gosh!

No, Gretchen.

Someone could really get hurt.

Yeah, that's the plan.

I'm the one that called the FBI,

and I'm gonna go down in flames.

Hey, I need $200. It's for a sword.

Death is the eternal sleep, Kimmy,

and Mommy needs a nap.

[ominous music]

[Jacqueline] Oh, Russ's
prescription luggage...

Boy, someone was worried
about Africa not having any mayonnaise.

[mysterious music]

"Meemaw's secret corn pudding recipe."

What am I supposed to do with this, Russ?

I mean, obviously,
you don't want Duke to have it.

Oh, God, you are so lucky
you don't have to deal with this stuff.

I said I'd do anything
to make your family happy,

and giving them the recipe
could earn us some goodwill

that we can use later on,

but that would mean betraying you.

There's got to be a way
I can have my cake and eat it, too.

But, is that the expression?
I don't really eat cake.

Although I did sit on one once
for Richard Branson.

How can I give them the corn pudding

without giving them the recipe?

Oh, God, I'm going to have to cook.

[male narrator] The bonobo,
genetically our closest relative...

[Kimmy] Oh, my gosh.
Are you serious, Gretchen?

You want them to come in here
and blow you up?

I'm not letting
the first female cult leader--

Do we have any batteries?

Me and Zach found a bees' nest
in the attic we want to throw them at.

In a second!

I'm not letting
the first female cult leader ever--

Hey, where's my sweatshirt?

-Maybe look in the laundry!
-The interrupting needs to stop.

I'm not going down in history as a joke,

like how everybody laughed
at Florence Allen,

the first female judge,

and no one laughed at Trixie Monroe,

the first female clown.


This isn't about you
being a woman, Gretchen.

Women can do anything a man can do,

even pee standing up.

Sure, it makes a mess,

but that's the cleaning lady's problem.

And guess what. She's a man.

Oh, really?

If it's not about me being a woman,

then how come this is the only kind
of news coverage I get?

Turns out, I didn't wear it better
than "Sulangee Kuhnowless," Kimmy.

I didn't wear it better at all.

And not a word about my beliefs.

The only place that published anything
from my scripture is The New Yorker,

and that was a misunderstanding.

I wasn't trying to enter
the caption contest.

So what choice do I have now?

I got to blow it all up.

I mean, if I weren't a woman--

Ever think that maybe the problem
isn't that you're a woman?

Maybe the problem
is that you're a Gretchen.

You mean tall, hot,
and ignoring my Lyme disease?

[Kimmy] I mean

this is a mess 'cause you made it a mess.

Oh, of course!

Kimmy thinks she could do it
better than me.

I know I could.

Then go in there and get them
to stop masturbating so much.

I don't want to do that.

You think you're so tough,

but I'm the one with the balls
to kapowee this place.

I'm gonna go out in a blaze of glory
like all the greats--

Koresh, Jones, Knievel.

-The drawstring went inside again.
-What happened to the knot?

Get a safety pin and deal with it, Jasper!

[Gretchen] That's it!

I'm gonna build a bomb.
Give me ten minutes.

[dramatic music]

Ten minutes. Sure, I'll just--

Look, elephants!

[male narrator]
The elephant is surprisingly sneaky.

They can communicate using infrasound.

Voice mail again.

Oh, unbelievable,

that Kimmy just walks off and leaves me

with a sick Titus.

Oh, Lord.

My rash is tasting
more and more like jelly,

which can't be a good sign.

I'm being punished
for what I did on that cruise.

I ate-- uh, nobody.

What? [chuckles]

Ugh, it's the scurvy talking.

Back to Titus.

I wish that fancy grocery store
would open already.

You shut your mouth!

And not just to keep your teeth
from falling out!

There's nothing
that yuppie feeding trough has

that we can't get
right here in our neighborhood...

like grass.

You know, during the Potato Famine,
the Irish ate grass.

No, Lillian, if I'm gonna be white,
don't make me be Irish.

That's the worst one.

[Lillian] Ohh...


That tree has fruit in it.

What'd I tell you?

We got everything we need right here.

That's not a tree, Lillian.
That's a cell phone tower.

Then what's that stuff
that looks like fruit?

[both] Rat babies!

[both screaming]

"Beat three eggs."

At what?


Help me, Meemaw.

[romantic music]

[Jacqueline] ♪ Oh, Meemaw ♪

♪ Meemaw ♪

♪ We're hungry for your dish ♪

♪ It's mostly corn ♪

♪ I need ♪

♪ Your food ♪

♪ I need ♪

♪ Your food ♪

♪ I need ♪

♪ Your food ♪

♪ Or stuff ♪

[timer beeps]


Ah, I did it.

[air whooshing]

Oh, God!

The gas is on
on every one of these burners.

Well, that certainly explains...

[romantic music]

It's your last chance, Chalker!

Don't come in quite yet.

I'm just building a-- a, um, pie.

And I just need to add
the diesel... crust.

She's insane. Who does the crust last?

And if she's just putting a crust on top,

that's a crumble.

Execute. Take her down.

[man] Copy. Moving to breach.

[tense music]

[object pounding on door]

[man] Sir, uh, Chalker is crying.

Stand down! All teams, fall back.

[men] Fall back, fall back!

[Yermuther] I knew this was gonna happen.
You do one thing, they start crying.

Now what?

Whatever you do,
don't tell her to calm down.


I think she's just crying
because of the tear gas.

Oh, you want to explain to her
why she's crying?

[scoffs] Good luck with that.

Gretchen, honey,

we're sorry.

We'll never do...

uh, what we did wrong ever again.

Have you lost weight? Everyone thinks so.

Send in a saucy gay friend
for her to get real with.

Go, go, go.

Let it out, girl!

What? No!

Gretchen is dangerous.

She's got kids in there.

You can't treat her different
just 'cause she's...

a woman.


I'm going back in.


I'm getting too old
for my bed full of stuffed animals.


The inside's all wet.

Look at these people.

They think their pits don't stink

just 'cause their beef
was raised on a farm

instead of being raccoon.

Lillian Kaushtupper.

[British accent]
No. I am Dr. Vanessa Poseidon.

I know it's you, Lillian.
I recognize your perfume.

Aha! I don't wear perfume.

That smell just happens.

Titus. Charmed, you're sure.

Artie Goodman. We met on the phone.

And what are you even doing here,

You got, like, 200 of these dumps.

And an Etsy shop,
where I put googly eyes on trash.

But I visit my stores all the time.

I'm very hands-on.

Gene, how's the girlfriend?

Just don't let the wife find out
about her, am I right?

[Artie chuckles]

He's a terrible person.

So what brings you two here,

besides the obvious shoplifting?

That's profiling.

Just 'cause my clothes aren't as nice

as some of these other people
doesn't mean I'm a thief.

That does.

Titus, are you okay?

No. I got scurvy.

And my Kimmy left,

and we used to get Channel 6,
but now we don't.

Scurvy? Like a British seaman?

Like a British seaman.

Artie, I'm so tired.

[Lillian] Titus needed fresh fruit,

and we couldn't find any
in our neighborhood, okay?

So you happy?

No, that's why
I want to open a store there.

East Dogmouth is what's known
as a food desert.

No access to fruits or vegetables

or eggs that come from birds.

Meanwhile, this neighborhood
is knee-deep in poosi...

a Thai fruit with five times the nutrients
of a banana.

Yeah, the rich get richer,

but in East Dogmouth,

we can't get decent medical care,

and our public transportation stinks,

and our T-shirts have
all the wrong Super Bowl winners.

[Artie] So you agree,

your neighborhood deserves better,

which is why you should want
one of my stores.

What? No.

Which is why you should want
one of my stores.

[exhales sharply] Run, Lillian!


I need to bathroom.

[gentle piano music]

[Orson] There's little Flash.

[Duke] And there's Mara!

I wonder what shiny thing
she's off to snatch there.


Did someone order a hot dish?

Well, she's here,
and she brought corn pudding.

Jacqueline, I don't know
what looks more delicious,

-you or that pan of hot corn.

You're my favorite daughter-in-law now.

You're gonna have to get braces again.

Oh, Meemaw and Russ.

So that is what she looks like.

All right, let's eat.

[Jacqueline giggles]

[Duke] So you found it.

The recipe.

And it came out great, right?

I'll make it for you anytime you want.

No, the only Korn I like
is the band that played at my wedding.

I just want the recipe.


Because... tradition.

And proper penmanship is a lost art,

like drunk driving.

I just want it, okay?

I want it because Russ has it.

How could Meemaw give it to him
instead of me?

How could anyone give anything to him
instead of me?

He's a loser, Jacqueline.

I mean, I'm sorry,
but has he ever beaten you at sex?

Hmm? I win every time.

I'm the fastest.

But if Meemaw loved Russ more than me,

what does that make me, hmm?

Worse than Russ?

So, like... two Russes?

I'm sorry, Duke,
but I can't give you the recipe,

even if it means you hate me,

even if the whole family

turns its back on me
so I'm just looking at butts.

I won't betray Russ.

You actually love my brother?

You're not just a gold digger?



That means Russ has two things I don't...

the recipe and a real marriage
with someone who loves him.

I don't even know what that's like.


I'm sure your wife is with you
for more than just your money.

I mean, you've got... boats.

And you know a lot about watches.

[Gretchen] It's like I'm talking,
but she's not listening.

Gretchen, we have to talk.

This must be Kimmy.

Look, you were right.

That cats are just baby dogs?

That this didn't work out
because you're a woman,

because the world
won't let you do it like a man.

See, it's not your fault
that boys don't learn how to cook

or that people are obsessed
with how women look.

I mean, have you seen what they did
to Strawberry Shortcake?

More like Slutberry Slutskank.

And it's not your fault
the FBI won't come in here

because they saw you crying.

Because of the tear gas.

That's what I said!

See, this was never gonna go
how you wanted it to.

Well, I'm not giving up.

I've still got a bomb.

But getting 'sploded is giving up.

It was invented by men
to avoid dealing with stuff.

Not giving up is the elephant matriarch,

leading her herd of bulls and calves
miles across the baking Serengeti.

Not giving up is the female orca,

whose matrilineal society
relies on older females

to guide the pod
to their traditional feeding grounds.

[British accent] Or consider the bonobo,

genetically our closest cousin.

A troop of bonobos
is led by a veritable gynocracy.

The alpha female surrounds herself

with a pack of loyal sisters

for hunting, defense,
and invariably pleasure.

How do you know all that?

I don't know.

[male narrator]
...that in the wilds of every continent,

females are strong as hell.

I'm Fitzgibbons Munrunney.

But my point is,
you can't run a cult like a man.

You have to run it like a female bonobo

or orca or elephant.

Gretchen, you have to be a "bonorcaphant."

Kimmy, that's the only thing
you've ever said

that makes any sense.

So don't give up.

Get out there and face the consequences.

Like a woman.

My next cult is gonna be all women.

It's gonna be so quiet.

[exhales sharply]

[door opens]

[door opens]

Hey, is Gretchen out there?

We, uh, Krazy-Glued our wieners together.

[indistinct chatter, chuckling]

[Artie] Nice to see you again, Kimmy.

Titus has been sitting here
for quite some time.

I'm sorry. Something came up.

He was pretty sick.

-And scared.

You know what?

A male Kimmy wouldn't be treated this way.

You'd all be like,

"Ooh, look at what
a great male Kimmy that is,

picking up his Titus."

Let's go home, buddy.

[whispering] I stole wine.

No, see, that's what I'm saying.

There wouldn't be any pimps.

The "bonorcaphant" protects us from men.

[Black Cindy] Oh...

Now, I like the orca part,

'cause once,
I stabbed my boss at SeaWorld.

Thank you for sharing that, Black Cindy.


Hi, I'm Gretchen.

Nice Bieber cut.

Elaine, you've been quiet.

[in American Sign Language]
The Yakuza cut out my tongue.

[Black Cindy groans]

I am loving this.

-Good night, everybody!
-Good night!