Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - Kimmy Can't Help You! - full transcript

A surprise visitor delivers divorce papers to Kimmy. Jacqueline comes up with a plan to get Russ's dad to rename the Redskins.

Nom, nom, nom, nom,
nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

-[Jacqueline] In a minute.

I picked up that gift at Christie's.

The auction house,
not Christie's Discount Belts.

A mistake that I turned
into a "shopportunity."

It's a star!

[gasps] Ah-ooga!

Amana-amana-amana! Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

Thank you, Kimmy.

It's Orson Snyder's 75th birthday.

Look at what I found him.

You got him a Ping-Pong paddle?

The Ping-Pong paddle that Forrest Gump
used to defeat the Chinese.

While you were in the bunker,
we found out that Forrest Gump is real.


So is Russ coming back for the party?

I should've bought you one of those
sexy clear belts I saw at Christie's.

You can see everything.

Actually, Russ got back this afternoon.

He's just so jet-lagged,
I'm letting him sleep.

[Russ snoring]

Tonight is a big night.

Step one in our plan to get the Redskins
to change their name.

-[gasps] Ooh, let me guess the plan.
-Please don't.

At the party, you suggest everyone
play Truth or Dare.

You know that's wrong.

If they choose dare,
dare them to change the name.

They have to do it.

If they go truth,
tell them you're Native American.

-They say, "That's not

how the game works!"

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

The Snyders cannot know I'm Sioux.
No one can.

They have to accept me as one of them,
which means they have to think I'm white.

Oh, that's no fun. We're the worst.

[Russ yawns, sniffs]

Jacqueline, I had the most amazing dream.

I bowled a 90.

Good morning, Buckley.

[Buckley] Oh, hey, Russ.

I thought you were
a pile of dirty clothes.

Well observed, Buckley.

In Namibia, women kept trying to put me
on their heads and take me to the river.

[Russ chuckles]

And you must be Kimmy.

Well, Jacqueline, you were wrong.

She's exactly as attractive
as Pippi Longstocking.

Thank you!

Jacqueline has been filling me in
on Operation Plan.

Don't worry.

I'll keep treating her like she's white.

Jacqueline, how was that lobster roll?

The key to the whole thing
is me winning over Russ's dad.

Yes, Orson Hamrod Snyder.

He rules over the team with an iron fist

that he keeps in a box
called The Fist Box,

and he does not like me.

But he loves me.

[Russ] So, to truly get Dad to--

Sorry, he hates it when I call him that.

To truly get Orson to trust Jacqueline,

she's gonna have to pretend
to dislike me as much as he does.

Then we start phase two.

So tonight we have to get
into a huge fight.

Oh, how could I get mad at that face?

Well, if it helps, I refuse
to harm the tick that's in my beard.

I could use that.

Boy, this sounds complicated.

Oh, Operation Plan has crashed
my PowerPoint more than once.

One could almost say
there's too much ClipArt.

But Russ has thought it all out.

He's the brains.
I'm just the beauty... and the muscle.

-[Kimmy gasps]

Can I be the guy that's
one day away from retirement?

"Oh, I'm getting too old for this, sugar."

[man] You're watching Sadsack TV,
random stuff from the '70s...

and commercials for dog stairs.

-Do not interrupt my spa time.

It's only been one week
since I let Mikey go, Kimmy.

And being kind, wise, and mature

was very hard on me.

Now I know why Yoda looked
like a piece of dried green poop.

Well, you promised
to give me acting lessons

to beef up my college application.

I don't have any extracurriculars.

I don't recall making that promise.
But I've been forgetting so much lately.

Did I take my medicine? What is this?

Where am I? I want to go home!

Titus, you are home.

You're not my daughter.

Don't you know me? It's your Kimmy.



That's acting, girl.

[gasps and chuckles]

[knock at door]

Oh, could that be Mikey
back already to marry me?

Don't answer that door
until I lose 15 pounds.

It's a stranger.

[Kimmy barking]

Down, Lucifer.

You're gonna make my gun
go off by "akskident."

[Kimmy growls and barks]

-Who is it?
-[Wendy] Hello?

I'm Wendy Hebert.

[door creaking]

Which one of you is Kimberly?

That's me.

But around these parts,
they call me Karate Kim.

I'm Wendy Hebert.

I'm here with your updated
divorce settlement

from Reverend Richard Wayne Gary Wayne,
aka Dick Wayne, aka DJ Slizzard.

Titus, it's signing time!

Oh! Let me go get our pen.

Wow, you have a lovely home.

-We really don't, but thanks.
-Ugh. Where you from?

So I understand that
you're gonna take your portion

of the divided assets and pay for college?

Kudos to you. That's wonderful.

I, myself, have two graduate degrees.

Wow! They must love you
at the frame store.

Let's do this!

Man, I can't even imagine

what sad and crazy lady
would marry the Reverend on purpose.

[Titus] Girl, don't give any thought

to whatever dusty, crocheted
toilet paper doll agreed to that,

or you'll be too sad to sign.

Mystery bitch is on her "ownt."

Mystery bitch. [laughs] Ouch!

I mean, I would never speak
about another woman that way.

Especially since I'm mystery bitch.


Meaning I'm marrying Richard.

You're marrying the Reverend?

Why did you bring
those divorce papers in person?

That's weird.

Is it weird? [sighs]

I know. I'm sorry.

Just... Richard and I
were so anxious to get started

with this new chapter in our lives

and it was brought to my attention
that if I get these signed

and get 'em back to Durnsville
by Thursday,

we could actually get married
on Fried Chicken Night.

Which, you know, he hates fried chicken,
but he loves the sides.

[sighs] This is making me sad.

Look away.

Listen, I know people
will judge our relationship.

But every age
has its forbidden lovers, right?

Romeo and Juliet,

Catherine and Heathcliff,

Heathcliff and Garfield.

[paper rustling]


Where'd the documents go?

The dog ate them.

[Kimmy chewing]


[upbeat music]

[Bankston] ♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

That's gonna be, uh...

you know, a fascinating transition.

[singers] ♪ Damn it ♪

I hope I can pull off this fight, Russ.

I've never been mean before.

Try not to get
too much Doritos powder on it.

-You're ready, Jacqueline.

Now, we know how this is gonna go.

My father's gonna stand and give
the same toast he always gives,

and it always ends with how we got to do
this again in five, ten, 100 years,

'cause try as hard as you want, God,
he's never gonna die.

As soon as he's done,

I'll give the signal,
and you start the fight.

What is that?

Fake dialing a phone
when you're in a porno?

No, this is Iktomi, the spider.

I've been reading up
on your family's culture,

and Iktomi is a Lakota s--

Yeah, I know.

A Lakota what?

He's a wily trickster spider

who always traps his prey, and that's us.

We're gonna Iktomi my family.

Oh. This is how we win.

[whispering] Yeah.

I am so sorry about the documents.

Lucifer is an Australian paper hound,

and they're bred to eat homework.

[growls] Lucifer, hush.

[Wendy] Oh, hold on, guys.

For one, I don't think
we should kill the dog.

I'll just get another set of documents...

um, somehow.

Let me just-- Let me just make a call.

[both stammering]

-[Wendy] Okay.
-[Titus barks]


[door closes]

I saw you gobble those papers,

and I know why you did it.

You want to fix
that Miss Julie Pumpkinhead

when you've got other stuff
to think about.

What? Pfft. No.

I know you can't change people.

But maybe I could help this lady
see the mistake she's making.

[Titus] You don't know her.

You don't understand her.

When she said kudos to you,
what did that mean?

She was going to bring me
a chocolate-covered granola bar.

Wrong. She meant the fancy kind
of kudos that look like a skirt.

Now repeat after me--

-I do not care about Wendy.
-I do not care about Wendy.

[both] When Wendy talks...

I will picture a blurry lady...

on a prank show...

who did not sign the waiver.

This is typical Wendy and Richard stuff.

It is us against the world every time.

I called the lawyer's office

to see if they could put
a messenger on a plane

with another set of papers.

Do you know what they said to me?

"Don't marry a monster?"

They said I should print it off an email?

There's only one reason
they're saying that to me,

and it's 'cause I'm engaged
to an incarcerated man

who is also a minority...

-Excuse you?
-...in a prison...

filled with mostly Latin Kings.

Kimmy, you're gonna take me
to the nearest Kinko's, okay?

And we can talk and bond.

[Titus] Mm, nope.

There's no Kinko's in this neighborhood.

We handwrite our flyers
like our ancestors did.

Well, we'll find a Hampton Inn
with a business center.

I'm a preferred customer

'cause I've been living at a Hampty

since I moved to Indiana five months ago.

Ooh, that sounds sad.

And I lived in an underground tube.

-I guess we could see if the library has--

You aren't going anywhere,
Thelma and Puh-lease.

We can print those papers
right here in our home.

I know a gentleman with a printer machine.

[Wendy gasps]

I hope it still works.

I take it apart and put it back together
every couple hours.

[button clicks]

[printer grinding and clicking]

[printer clicking and buzzing]

I thought meth
was supposed to make you fast.

Well, maybe it's a blessing in disguise.

It gives me a chance
to get to know the woman

who spent 15 years with Dick.

It's kind of sophisticated
if you think about it.

An evening in Manhattan
with my lover's wife.

It sounds like a Noel Coward play!

If Noel Coward really was a coward
who rapes everybody.

♪ Who-who-who-who
Wants to order pizza? ♪

[printer clicks and buzzes]

[Jacqueline] Seventy-five?

Orson, you look fantastic.

What's your secret?

Well, I have the organs
of a 35-year-old Guatemalan gardener.

Oh, he died of natural causes.

He fell on a shotgun.

Thank God we had the bathtub
full of ice ready to go.

Hey, guys. You--
You watch Infowars at all?


[clinking on glass]

[Orson chuckles]

I want to thank you all
for being here tonight,

especially Stewart and Phoebe

who delayed their honeymoon
to Westworld...

-...so they could join us.

That's a big deal.

So here's to doing this again
in five years,

when I'll be 80,

my organs will be 40,

and I don't know
how to do orangutan years,

but my penis will be eight.

-[all cheering and laughing]
-Solid age.

But in spite of everything, folks,

I've become an old man,

and I'm getting a little tired
of the boardroom.

And I'd rather be in Montana
shooting salmon,

so I've decided I'm not going to go

to the NFL owners meeting this year.

-[people gasping and murmuring]
-[Orson] No, it's time to pass the torch

to our new chairman

and my best son, Duke.

[laughter and indistinct chatter]

So-so-so you're not gonna be in charge?

Duke is gonna be in charge?

Thank God you were here
to explain it, Russ.

Congratulations, Dukey-boy.

What? There was a reason
for this lifetime of grooming?


I'm so mad at you,
then throw your drink at me!

[crowd murmuring]

Jacqueline, will you marry me?

[whispering] What are you doing?

[Orson] Say no, Jacqueline.

-You could do better.

Before you say anything...

Now say no.

[all murmuring and chuckling]


Shame! Shame! Shame!

I see what's happening here.

You won't accept our union

'cause you found out
that Jacqueline is Native American.

Well, let-- Let me just...

Oh-ho, she's running. She's running.

I can't wait to put this on YouTube.


[boy] Look at that!


-[printer clicks]
-Okay, so we're up to...

It's still page one.

Lort Jeebus.

You know Dick's guilty, right?

He's different with me.

You're probably wondering how we met.

-[Wendy laughs]

I teach creative writing
at prisons around the country.

With my help, these men
learn to access their shadows

and move toward healing.

I only teach men.

Anyhoo, a few months ago,
I was in Durnsville,

and... here it comes.

An inmate bit me, and he locked on.

So the guards Tased him,
which, of course, Tased me.

[laughing] And so I'm on the floor,

and I hear someone say,

"I guess this is
a creative biting workshop."

[laughs] And it's Dick.

-[printer clicks]

Was he funny in the bunker, Kimmy?

When he got mad, he'd lock us
in something he called "the toolbox"

because we were such tools.

Is that funny?

Kimmy, Kimmy.

I get it. It must be horrible...

for him to have to live
with the knowledge

that he did all that stuff.

Poor Dick.

But at least he's expressing himself now.

He writes me the most beautiful poems.

-May I read you one?
-Please don't.

It's called The Next Time I See You
by Rick Wayne.

"The next time I see you...

bring $100...

for a thing I need...

or I'll be mad."

[gasps, sighs]

He's like a young William Carlos Williams,
don't you think?

[Kimmy gags]

Wendy, are you maybe like that lady

who married Charles Manson

so she could sell his body when he dies?

'Cause that's a relationship
we can all understand.

[laughs] Goodness, no.

I feel lucky Richard chose me.

After the trial, he was juggling
about a dozen erotic pen pals.

Gah-lee, what is wrong with women?

[Wendy] I don't blame them.

He's so charismatic.

Those soulful eyes of his.

You can tell he's had to overcome a lot.

His mother worked, you know.

He's evil, Wendy.
I lived with him for 15 years.

Well, to hear him tell it,
you were no picnic either.

[printer clicks and buzzes]


May I see you in my office?

[quirky music]

[Kimmy] I can't take this.

I feel like we're letting a blind person
go to bed on a stove.

That's right. And you're gonna tuck her in
and go to college.

So just tune that pasty Felicia out
and think happy thoughts,

like a toilet where you can lie down.

[Wendy] Knock, knock.

I almost forgot.

Kimberly, Richard wants to marry me

with his grandmother's wedding ring.

I don't have it.

No, his grandmother has it.

But they're not on good terms
for some reason.

So can you talk to her?

Would you excuse us for a moment, Wendy?

You need to get out of this apartment.

Let Wendy do Wendy, and you do you.

Take your incomplete college application

and go wherever white folks go
to finish stuff.

A farmers market, dog park,

maybe a live recording
of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

-Too high!
-Well, you lost your scarf,

so this is what we do.


Kimmy's gone?

No, no, no, no, no! She has to sign!

She just had to... walk the dog.

Oh, okay.

It's such a big dog
for this small apartment.

[printer clicks]


Oh, my goodness. I caught someone.

It's only because these heels
are not meant to be worn standing up.

Look, I can explain--

You don't get to decide when I tell people
about my heritage, Russ.

And what happened to our plan?

Everything changed in there.

My father passed the torch to Duke,

which means that Iktomi
can now weave his web

as fast as Tasunke Witko's steed!

This is America. Speak English.

We have a whole new plan now.
It all hit me like a truck.


Oh, God, stop!
But thank you for driving electric.

Get out of the way, honey.

I can't. It ran over my feet first.

Stop! You're slowly crushing him!

-[dramatic music]
-[Russ] Oh, God!

Ma'am, please!

Oh, why did I assume
it was a woman parking badly?

You know what? I deserve this!

Oh, my-- [muffled]

[Jacqueline panting]

It's Sunday. You're good.

Well, pardon my French,

but today's been a gosh-dang,
mother-fudging sugar-show!

[upbeat horn music]

There are several cons to your argument.

One, why would we throw urine at Al Roker
when he has never thrown urine at us?

[camera shutter clicking]

"Let's go smoke by the fence!

We can steal candy bars,

throw urine at Al Roker."

Boy, you are one bad mitten.

What the heck's a "minton"?

"I told you this wouldn't work!"

[hip-hop music]

[man] Wait. Who's she?


Well, I think we know what you are.

Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

Russ, you know, before I met you,

I was lost, but you pulled me
into your heart,

like your heart got pulled
into the wheel well

of something called a GEO Sprout.

And now I'm lost again.

I mean, you might die,
and the waiting room only has Redbook.

Who's that for?

And what's the new plan? I'm so confused.

I feel like Kimmy
at a drugstore self-checkout.

[monitor beeping]


[sighs] I don't know what to do.

It's like I'm 16 again living in a town

where the most exciting thing
that ever happened

was when the The Guinness Book
of World Records came

and measured our tumbleweed.

So close.

The only thing I could do then
was run away,

which was the right move.

And now...

it's time for me to run away again.

Disappear forever.

Step one-- win America's Next Top Model.

And maybe that was your plan
the whole time--

to make me leave and start a new life.

So, if I'm right,

just continue to lie there
and not make any sounds at all.

-[Russ moaning]

Okay, fine.

I guess I'll just stay right here
and read about...

Diane Lane's favorite dog breeds
for pleasing your man.

What does that even mean?

[printer clicks]

Why isn't Kimmy back?

She better not just be gone.

Dick told me she was always
trying to run away.

No, she's coming back.

It's not just about
Fried Chicken Night, man.

I got to lock this relationship down.

I'm pretty sure that Richard
is still writing two of his sex pen pals.

And one of 'em has chest implants.

I can't compete with that.

Wendy, I--

You know you're pretty-looking
and such, right?


Titus, I've been hurt very badly

in my previous relationships

by guys who looked real good on paper.

Guess what.

Turns out you're not a good guy

just 'cause you came up
with a hot ad campaign for walnuts.

But with Richard, I know what I'm getting.

He won't cheat on me with my neighbor
'cause he can't.

He can't scream at me
when the Steelers lose.

He can't flip my cereal bowl in my face
and call me a dummy.

A man flipped cereal at you?

'Cause now I eat my cereal at home
before I go to the prison.

I'm in control for once.

I'm not stupid, Titus.

I know it's not a fairy-tale romance.

We only get to see each other
an hour a week.

But that's why this is gonna work.

If we only see each other one hour a week,

he'll never realize
what a useless piece of crap I am,

and he'll love me forever.

And that's what I deserve.

[straining] Wendy...

I'm gonna fix you.

I'm gonna fix you!

[Duke laughing]

Sorry it took us so long to get here.

I found a ton of rare nom-noms
on the way over and crushed it.

Well, the doctor said
that Russ may never come--

Ooh, garlic bread!


-[shimmering tone]

You made that bread your bitch, son.


So, Jacqueline... how's Russ?

Well, we know he can still poop.

I just wish we'd figured that out
before they put the cast on him.

Look, obviously, this is awkward.

Now that you know my heritage,
I'm sure you want nothing to do with me.

Don't be ridiculous, Jacqueline.

No, in fact, we want you to know,

if you pushed Russ in front of that car...

we get it.


-But you own the Redskins.

-And your heritage...
-Is an important part of who I am.

Yes, perfect. Say crap like that.

Until my little promotion today,
I was head of PR for the Redskins.

I won a Digie for my sweet tweets.

But just imagine the optics of having
a Native American in the family.

We'll be bulletproof.

What do you mean "in the family"?

Let's get you and Russ married
before God takes him.

You'll never get me!

I'm better than you! Father.

You brought a priest?


[printer clicks]

She's one of God's little babies, Kimmy.

-Wendy needs your help.

No. Titus, I just spent all night
doing stuff for myself...

for college.

Kimberly, Wendy's like
a beautiful, rare Barbie

that some boys pulled the arms
and legs off of

and now the family dog
is chewing on the connector nubs.

I'm worried she won't go back
together again.

She's tragic.

Right now she's looking
for a deli to get waffles to go.

Waffles don't travel!

I did everything I could
to make her see she's better than this.

I even tried to seduce her.

[light instrumental music]

She's immune to my charm.

-I think only you can--
-Stop it!

Like you said, I don't know her.

I for sure don't understand her.

Why should I be responsible for
that dusty, crocheted toilet paper doll?

That description of Wendy
is now considered offensive.

As a society, we've moved on.

Look, I'm not sure about this.

Russ is unconscious.

Yeah, that's why it's perfect.

You get his money, the Snyders get you,

and no one has to go
to a bachelor party at an arboretum.


All right, Russ, obviously,
you want to marry her.

She's tall, hot, and,
for the first time, not inflatable.

-Sick burn, Father.

[priest] Oh, right?

-Now, blonde lady...
-Thank you.

Do you take Russ to have and to hold,

in just sickness, I guess?


Russ, I don't know what you want me to do.

Is this still the plan?


[bright woodwind music]

So you gonna marry him or not?

I do.

Welcome to the Redskins family!

[laughs] Oh!

-[door opens]
-Titus, come on.

I didn't know
if waffles would travel well,

so I also got fish tacos.

[Titus] Help her, Kimmy. Don't sign.

I know you need the money,
but you'll find another way,

like two Christian teens
who signed an abstinence pledge,

'cause you're a survivor.

You survived the bunker.

You need a bunker flashback.
Those always work.

Plus, it gives me a chance
to just hang out and eat some cheese.

Um... bunker flashback.


-Flashback to your tragic past.

Uh... trigger word... um...


Brigadoon. Candelabra. Cumberbatch.

Kokomo. Flippy-floppy. Donga.

-[echoing] Razmatazz.
-[speaking Spanish]

[in Spanish] How long have you been here?

It ends now!

[Cyndee in English] Wow, I guess
it's winter outside, Sister Kimmy.

We were way off.

[in Spanish] I'm going to kill him!

[in English] It's okay.
You're gonna be okay.

We're not letting the Reverend near you.

[in Spanish] I just need to get near him!

I'm hiding an icicle in my butt!

When he comes at me,

I'll stab him in the eye
and drive it into his brain!

I'm Kimmy. This is Cyndee.

The Reverend wants to marry you, okay?

He thinks it'll make us jealous.

Yeah, and I'd only be jealous
if he married the cab driver from Wings.

[in Spanish] Quick!

Before the icicle melts,
just tell me where to go!

Shh, it's okay.

[in Spanish] Let go of me!

I don't know you. I don't understand you.

But I'm not letting that monster
hurt another person.

[in Spanish] Why are you so strong?!

So you're not marrying
the Reverend tonight.

-I'll marry him instead.

What? You're gonna marry him?

[in Spanish] Now is the time, idiots!

Ayúdame just got here.

She doesn't know
how to distract the Reverend

by asking him to rank Kid Rock songs.

I'll be fine.

[in Spanish] Never mind.

I no longer have an icicle.

You're welcome, sister.


Did it work?


I don't know you. I don't understand you.

But I'm not going to let that monster
hurt another person.

I'm not signing these.

I knew it!

He told me you were
still in love with him.

Sure. If that's what you need to believe.

[Wendy] Well, it is.

And you can't stop me from seeing him

because we're gonna be together forever.

We may never get conjugal visits,

but I can stay close to him

because the Hampton Inn told me
that I can buy a room, like a condo!

You'll never get him back,
if that's your crazy pipe dream,

because he is not a fan of yours!

Not a fan, Kimmy!

I promised I wouldn't do this,

but one of his very first compositions

was a scathing haiku about... you.

It's called Kimmy.


"I hate you, Kimmy.

Shut up. Shut up.

Shut up.

Shut, wrecker of my joy."

[groans softly]
Can I borrow a snack for the ride home?




[door closes]

You'll still get that money
for college, Kimmy.

We just have to make a cool, new app.

You know that's not short
for appetizers, right?

You know I don't know that!

[binder slams]

Wrecker of my joy.


What? Did something happen
to the tumbleweed?

No. It's your daughter.

[Fern sighs]

What did I do wrong with this one?

Oh, don't blame yourself.

You know, I saw a white spider
the other day.

I bet this is all Iktomi's doing.

Oh, you can't blame Iktomi for everything.

Iktomi farted.

-Good night, everybody!
-Good night!