Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 13 - Kimmy Bites an Onion! - full transcript

Kimmy decides to become a crossing guard. Buoyed by the success of "Boobs in California," Titus tries to win back Mikey with help from Jacqueline.

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[bright orchestral music]

Hello, Kimmy.

[in Mandarin] Careful! My name is library!

[in English]
I'm taking Mandarin this semester.

Was that anything?

I'm glad you brought up your classwork.

I wanted to update you
on your academic probation.

Hold up. I'm on the baysh?

You've been on the baysh for a month!

Coach Tannen should have told you.

So what does this mean?

Do I have to repeat a grade?

Dina Camillo did that in third grade,
and she was cool.

When she got her period,

everyone was like, "Wow,

there is a woman in this class!"

If you fail the semester,
you will have to leave Columbia.

And don't tell Coach Tannen
to come in here to push me around,

because I know a good hiding place
and I've got a sandwich in my pocket.

I've got a big chemistry lab tomorrow.

To pass the semester,
what do I have to get?

One hundred percent.

Out of what?

[upbeat music]

[Bankston] ♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

That's gonna be, uh...

you know, a fascinating transition.

[singers] ♪ Damn it ♪

[stealthy music]


Lost a little weight...

Gypsy curse, or trying to drop the chunk
before you come back to me?

Same construction hat four days in a row.

Obviously in a funk.

[upbeat pop music playing]

[Titus] ♪ I love boobs and California ♪

♪ Sand and California... ♪

That's moi!

♪ And my 'Stang and California ♪

-♪ I love dogs and California... ♪

Or... bro.

How does your car know that song?

Tasty, right?

I just searched
"Cowabunga Lifestyle" on Spotify.

Got to bounce, bro. This guy's late
for his grandma's fizz-uneral!


[Kimmy sighs]

Six point oh-two times ten
to the 23rd power equals...

One mole?

If you get stuck, try "Tallahassee."

Most test answers are Tallahassee.

Thanks, Ms. White.

Uh, you can print out your résumé
whenever you're ready.

I'm still tweaking it.

How does this sound?

NetJets Air Mistress, 2000 to 2005.

And then there's a 12-year gap.

I mean, you could say being a mom
is a job, but not the way I do it!

Well, I'm proud of you.

You're finally gonna stand
on your own two feet.

I'm done being a kept woman,

like Melania Trump or Mrs. Claus.

I mean, honestly, Claus,
at least work out.

Why does he stay with her?
He could have anyone!

I just don't know what job
a 30-14-year-old

former trophy wife with no skills
is even qualified to do.

I have a bunch
of career aptitude tests

from when I was touring colleges.

All the jobs are on here,
from architect to Zodiac Killer.

Mm, I don't know.

I took one of these in high school,
and it said

I should be a guidance counselor bather.

That wasn't a real test,
was it, Mr. McKinney?

It said I should be a crossing guard.

That's perfect for you.

I mean, you're basically
a talking traffic cone.

Okay... this will tell me my future.

[Lillian] Unbelievable!

All week,

zero motorcycle accidents.

Artie is on the waiting list
for a new heart.

So I got out the old police scanner.

Next biker that goes down,

I get there before the cops

with a steak knife and a bag of ice--

Why is Artie Goodman on a waiting list?

-Isn't he rich?
-Oh, very.

All day long, he biddy-biddy-bums.

Well, rich people don't wait for organs.

They just give a generous donation
to the hospital and cut the line.

There's a whole chapter about it
in Art of the Deal.

No, Artie would never do that.

It's deplorable.

On the other hand,
you take a heart off the market,

then when Giuliani needs one,

"Ooh, sorry, pal.
Hope you like ferret hearts."

[Lillian laughs]

Something insane happened
while I was accidentally

at the construction site for three hours.

Were you spying on Mikey again?

I'm watching Mikey to find the right time

to jump back into his life.

It's called "double-Dutching,"
and everyone loves it.

But then I heard someone
playing my TaskRabbit song.

Yet another example

of white people
stealing from black people.

And I'm still not over

what Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone
did to jazz.

It's payback 'cause you
stole Hamilton from us.

I gotta go talk to Artie!

Well, I can't just sit here

and take this terrifying career test

when my best friend

is being taken advantage of!

Let's go.

It's time, once again,
for Jacqueline White

to stand up for the little guy.

Thank you. I am wittle.


[Gordy] Holy secret identity,

You did tell a lie.

You must be Gordy.

Ah! Real girl!

You owe Titus half of everything you made
on "Boobs and California."

What? I haven't made anything.

Do not insult my ingellitence!

Her phone is a contuter!

[Jacqueline] That song is 49th

on Spotify's Adult Bro-temporary charts.

You've come into some cash.

A SodaStream?

A Sex Yuko still in the box?

Michael Jackson's
Artist of the Millennium award,


You're waist-training.

Fine. I made 30 grand.

But I don't have to give a penny of it
to Titus.

The TaskRabbit contract was written

by the same lawyers
who did Mrs. Claus' prenup.

Why do you think Santa stays with her?

Gordy, Gordy, Gordy...

Is the name of my band.


So you have an Internet radio hit.

How are you gonna keep it going
if you can't perform it live?

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ How? ♪

I did try to roll it out solo
on the Today Show.

♪ But the [bleep] in California ♪

♪ Are the greatest [bleep] around ♪

Did you know the seventh hour of that show
is just a sign-up sheet?

Gordy, you need Titus.

Hall was nothing without Oates.

Dave would be nowhere without Buster's.

Do you really think people
would go to a restaurant

that's just called Dave?


All right. He gets half.

But I get final wardrobe approval.



Okay, this kind of stuff
happens to Beaker all the time,

and he's a professional scientist.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God...

Zach, are you okay?

You're Kimmy.

You're in my philosophy class.
You wear clothes for children.

Husky children.

I just dropped out of school.

What? You failed out?

Wow, I thought you were smart.

'Cause you're not athletic.
I've seen you try to put your backpack on.

No, not failed.
I've only ever failed three tests:

scoliosis, Turing, and lice.

Wait. You chose to drop out?

Yes, it might be a huge mistake.

Well, at least it was your decision.

I think they're gonna make me leave.

And I hate not being in control
of my life.

My bedtime's when I say so.

I don't let some pyramid
tell me what food to eat.

And I don't care what Titus says,

I put my mittens on before my jacket.

Then how do you zip or button it?

That's the price of freedom, Zach!

I'm just saying,
you're in charge of your life.

And I am too.

Paw Patrol to the rescue!

That's a cartoon I quote to soothe myself.



[Dean Koontz] Well, Kimmy,

you did not get an A.

Professor Dooley is pretty shaken up.

In the explosion,
he saw the face of a childhood friend

who died after falling from a tree
they were both climbing.

And unfortunately, you're going
to have to leave Columbia--

I'm dropping out of Columbia, my choice.

I'm terribly sorry,
but I said my thing first.

You know,

there are many different kinds
of intelligence.

Maybe you're not book smart.

But that doesn't mean you don't have,

say, emotional intelligence.

Kimmy, we're aware
that you've been through a lot.

Trigger warning,
I'm about to say "bunker."

Is it okay if I say "bunker," Kimmy?


In light of that,

Columbia would like to present you
with this honorary degree.

We ended up not giving this to Jimmy Smits

because Attack of the Clones
was such a turd.


Someday, I'll laugh about all this.

[forced laugh]

No. Too soon.

But I'm never gonna cry about it.

So tell the Columbia House
tapes department

to keep the party tunes coming.

♪ Biddy-biddy-bum, bum-bum-bum ♪

[Lillian] Hey.

[Artie] There she is!

Finish packing yet?

-Bring a bathing suit.

The best gravlax is served inside a sauna.

Hey, listen, why don't you use your money

to skip the line, get a new heart?

Because being rich
doesn't make me more important

than a kid with a bad valve

or a hooker with a heart of gold.

Number one killer of Desirees.

Well, what if we get to Sweden,
and this heart machine

needs a different plug?

What if you die during sex

and I'm trapped there on top of you?

Lillian, you spent 40 years
stuck in the past.

Now you're torturing yourself
about the future.

You don't control what time I live in.

I'm like Highlander!

All I have is now.

Be with me.

Okay, I did it.

Now buy a heart,
'cause I'm not gonna hang around

just to watch you die.

I'm not gonna buy a heart.

[Artie] Uh-uh.

I can't take this kind of stress.

Dick Cheney cut the line.

Maybe I should have
fallen in love with him.

We both shot people in the face,

so there's your first-date small talk
right there.

[Artie] Lillian,

I'm going to Scandinavia
with or without you.

They have gnomes there.
I'm gonna touch a gnome.

I know you are...

[mockingly] "'Cause I live in the future."

Have a nice life.

I'd like to open a bank account
because of money.

I'll need to see a valid ID.

You take birth control pills?

Just the sugar weeks.

Ah! Look at me!

-I said look at me!

But only if you look at me.

Last month, I was implicated
in a gas station bathroom fiasco

in front of Mikey,
but now I'm a $15,000-aire

with a hit song on the tubes.

This is it!

It's time to double-Dutch back in.

Maybe I'll just happen
by that construction site

while enjoying a bank lollipop.

No, Titus. Not like that.

You've got money now. Flaunt a little.

You're not gonna impress anyone
dressed like

Charles Barkley got tangled up
in an old lady's clothesline.

Don't you have
your own mess to figure out?

Or did that career test tell you to be
a less-hot Don Rickles?

I don't know, Titus.

I haven't finished the test.

Because I've been so obsessed
getting you back together with Mitchey.

And now we have to go shopping.


Cooking sherry?

You don't tell me how to use you!


Well, college was a waste of time.

What do I need to learn Mandarin for?

I don't want to go to Mandar.

What I want is to help people.

And you don't need a degree for that.

I mean, look at dogs: they help the blind

and people who pretend
to be nervous on planes.

They never went to Ruff-gers University

or Boston Collie or UC Bark-ley

or Marma-Duke or Corgi Mellon

or the Mutt-sachusetts Insti-cute
of Technolo-dog.

You have to tell me when to stop,
because I won't!

I can't stop you.

I can't control anything in this life.

It's all just random and terrible.

-[bottle clattering]


Random. Terrible.

[Kimmy] Wrong.

That test told me
I should be a crossing guard.

How un-random is that?

And crossing guards do real good
in the real world.

Getting kids safely to school,
calling drivers "pal,"

and, oh, the whistle blowing!

I'm gonna go down to the police station

and I'm gonna apply
to be a crossing guard right now.

[bright music]

Who puts their mittens on first?

Worth it.

[Titus] ♪ I love bikes and California ♪

♪ Workin' out and California ♪

♪ But the boobs in California ♪

♪ Are the greatest boobs around ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ Are the greatest boobs around ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ The greatest boobs are in California ♪


♪ Yeah ♪

[Titus vocalizing]




What are the odds?

I was just walking
my definitely not-rented peacock,

Debra Winger.

Aptly named because she is difficult.

You're so fancy.

Like a chandelier in Beauty and the Beast.

-[car door closes]
-Hey, Mikey.

-Ready to hit it?
-[Mikey] Yeah.

Oh, uh, Andrew,

this is Titus.

Titus, this is Andrew.

Where are my manners? I'm Mikey Politano.

Weird, you look just like that guy

Mikey was going upstate with.

But all white guys look the same to me,

which is why I have no clue

why the movie Twins is funny.

Nah, this is the same guy.

It's actually our three-month anniversary.

Wow. Three sugar weeks.

Well, good for you.

[clears throat]
I am very serious with my boyfriend.

He is an international basketball man.

We've been to condominiums and such.

-[car door slams]
-Titus. We've got to get to the blimp.

Gayle and Oprah are flying us out

for lunch with Kim and Kanye
and Tom and Gisele.

And... Jackée.

[Andrew] Yeah.

We should head out too, babe.

Oh, yeah.

We're going on a Mets opening day
party cruise.

Three hours cruising
from Flushing Bay to Citi Field.

It's gonna be epic!

Mr. Met meet and greet.
DJ Fingablast is spinning.

We were calling WFAN for weeks
trying to win tickets,

but luckily,
Andrew's got unlimited minutes.

[shakily] Unlimited?

Well, good for you. [sobs]

For both of you.

That's so funny
that you'll be on the Mets cruise,

because Titus is performing at that event.

So I guess we'll see you there.

The peacock is our gift to you.

I-I have too many.

-Hello, Officer. I'm--
-[officer] Hold on.

Posting a picture of my sloppy joe.

Four likes!

-What do you want?
-I want to be a crossing guard.

Well, you're gonna have to pass the test.

-Follow me.
-Oh, boy.

I'm not great at tests.

I have emotional intelligence--

[officer] Oh!

Taye Diggs liked my joe!

[laughs] He was in Rent, I think, right?

"Touch the picture of a car."

It's either a car

or a Transformer.

Don't overthink it.


"Touch the arrow pointing left."



"Which is most dangerous to pedestrians?

A, moving cars, B, parked cars,

C, boats, D, Tallahassee?"



[upbeat music]

Question 1,000:
"I want to be a Crossing Guard to...

A, be the boss of cars,

B, disappoint my parents,

C, meet potential lovers,

D, help people be safe."

Oh, I don't know... psych!


One hundred percent! Out of what?


You two are the only ones
who've ever gotten a perfect score.

Us two?

[suspenseful music]

[mechanical whirring]

[Yuko] It is on.

[upbeat dance music playing]

Here's how we handle DJ Fingablast.

Men always want what they can't have.

Cuban cigars, a watchable Superman movie.

Just act like you don't want the gig.

I don't.

That's perfect.

Jacqueline! [chuckles]

What a surprise!


my dog masseuse
turned turntables turner.

-How are things?
-Not good.

My beats were diagnosed with renal failure

because they are sick!



Oh, this is my friend Titus.

Maybe if you get a little bigger,
he could play one of your shows.

He's got a ton of heat on him.

That's why he's so sweaty.


How about a little sample?

Samples are my religion,

even though I was raised Mennonite, yo!

Not interested, Mr. Blast.

Titus, listen.

I've got a hot slot in the schedule
before Keith Hernandez tries stand-up--

Jacqueline, can we go?

[Jacqueline imitates phone ringing]


Oh, I've got to take this.

It's the Giants' off-season party bus.

No! I want Titus!

Whatever he normally gets,
I'll pay double.

No, thanks.

Finga, could you give us a moment?

You can stop now. He wants you.

No, I'm seriously not playing this boat.

My grand re-debut to Mikey was like

Simone Biles
trying to ride a roller coaster

after the park closed.

Too little, too late.

Okay, you took a hit.

But when is quitting ever the answer?

Heroin. Cigarettes. A jigsaw puzzle.

You already got the picture
on the box, bitch.

You just need a comeback.

If Steve Harvey had given up, do you think

he'd be the host of Little Stinkers
or whatever?

This stage is your chance.

Up here, you'll be something
that Andrew could never be:

a star.

And Mikey will be putty in your hands.

Sticky and with
a backwards Garfield on him?

Just drink your go-go juice.

You got a show to do.

[upbeat music]

[man] ♪ When Kimmy was touring colleges ♪

♪ They gave this out for free ♪

♪ A staple-bound pamphlet
With a test inside ♪

♪ To tell you what you should be ♪

♪ Oh, Lord, to tell you
What you should be ♪

♪ ♪

♪ She added up her answers ♪

♪ And then she laughed so hard ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Not only did Kimmy score a 69 ♪

♪ That meant she'd be a crossing guard
Oh, fool ♪

♪ That meant she'd be a crossing guard ♪

♪ So Kimmy told the captain ♪

♪ "Oh, Kimmy ain't no delicate miss ♪

♪ And before I'll let ol' Yuko
Break me down ♪

♪ I'll die with a stop sign in my fist ♪

♪ Golly, I'll die with a stop sign
In my fist" ♪

Final scenario.

A truck is coming right at you.

But its brakes have failed.

If it goes to the right,
it runs over five little kids.

If it goes to the left,
it runs over a businessman.

Which way do you send the truck to go?

It's the trolley problem.

I'm gonna take a half a point off.

I just said truck.

It's-- You're up first.

[dramatic music]

[Yuko] This is obvious.


Kill one to save many.

For now.

Yeah, but that's just in a book.

These are real cardboard people.

That businessman could be somebody's mom.

It's been an honor.

She saved... everybody.

Taye Diggs is gonna love this.

May I?

Flag on the play.

We had to run a standard background check.

You aren't currently married

to a registered sex offender
in Indiana, are you?

Well, yes, technically,
but only to help Wendy.


We can't have you
around schools or ducklings.

[melancholy music]

[hip-hop music playing]

♪ Famous, I so famous ♪

♪ Big cats, big cars, big words
So famous ♪

♪ That's why this tramp stamp
Is still damp ♪

♪ Champ ♪

That was for the troops.

[audio feedback screeches]

[cheers and applause]

Last looks.

[DJ Fingablast] Coming to the stage,
a band so new, they're not even

on Wiki-wiki-pedia!

Gordy! Gordi! Gordee! Feat. Titus!

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat pop music]

♪ Lovin' California ♪

♪ Livin' left coast time ♪

♪ I don't need to warn ya ♪

♪ The babes out here are so fine ♪

No way! They play this all the time

at my gym's Cowabunga Plyometrics class.

Go, Titus!

♪ Hella rad, now here we go ♪

♪ I love boobs and California ♪

♪ Sand and California ♪

♪ Boobs and California ♪

♪ And my 'Stang and California ♪

♪ But the boobs in California ♪

♪ Are the greatest boobs around ♪

♪ No, no ♪

No! No!

No, no, no, no, no! Stop it, Mikey!

Mikey Michael Politano, stop it!

That's Gabba-gross!

I can't watch you do that

and pretend I'm cool with it
when I'm the opposite.

I'm extremely nerd with it.

Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut.

But as our wise president once said,

"Come on, black people.
What do you got to lose?"

So here goes.

All of this is for you, Mikey.

Why do you think I'm up here
singing this stupid song

about women's chunky Charlies
with a crazy man

who thinks Hurricane Katrina
was a David Copperfield illusion?

Water doesn't melt buildings!

It's all just to impress you.

Despite appearances,

life is not going great.

My boyfriend is not
an international basketball man.

He's fake news.

[crowd murmuring]

And I don't love boobs and California.

♪ I love ♪

♪ Mikey Politano ♪

Wow, Titus, I--

I cannot hear you, Michael!

You don't have a microphone like I do.

I don't know what to say!

Don't say anything.

But know this, meatball.

I will win you back.

It may not be today or tomorrow

or the day after tomorrow

because I have Wendy Williams tickets.

But as Gordy is my witness,

you will be mine.

[man] I used up all my minutes for this!

When's Keith Hernandez gonna do stand-up?

[all] Yeah!

He doesn't even care about boobs!

-Get him!
-[all] Yeah!

It's time to go, girl!

[crowd shouting]

Rubbing alcohol?

You don't tell me how to use you either!

[door opens]

A Vidalia onion is not an apple.

When I was a kid,
there was a story on the news

about a new kind of onion
that was so sweet,

you could eat it like an apple.

Vidalia onions.

My mom and I thought that was so cool.

Like Willy Wonka's Gobstoppers.

So we got on her ATV, went to Kroger's,

and bought a bag of Vidalia onions.

We didn't even wait to get home.

We sat in the parking lot, and, on three,

we each took a huge bite.

And you know what they tasted like?

Fudging onions.

The world is a Vidalia onion.

It's a lie, it stinks,

and it makes you cry.

Sooner or later,
you got to just stop biting onions.


Hey. Hey, come on, Red.

You never give up.

You're like that bunny
that keeps on going and going

'cause Meth-Head Charlie fed him Adderall.

And to be honest with you,

I was kind of counting on you to--

to see a double rainbow

or make friends with a carriage horse,

and then I would snap out of my Artie funk

and I would run to the airport,
all romantic,

like O.J. in that Hertz commercial.

All I wanted was to help people,

and I can't even fudging do that.

No, no.

This isn't how it's supposed to go
for either of us.

I got to go back and fix this.

[Titus panting]

I should have warned you
that that's how I tend to leave boats.

It's okay. I look hotter wet.

Girl, that was scary.

And I don't even know if it worked,
but I feel better.

I just think, in some ways, this was
the culmination of a personal journey.

You think this whole thing was about you?

No, you're in my story, pal.

I'm the one who feels amazing!

Look what I did for you today.

I got you paid, I used my connections

to book you a gig,
I handled your many tantrums--

Tie-tie gets the screamies
when he's nervous.

And I loved it!

So forget this stupid test and whatever

perfect career number 89
is supposed to be for me.

I know what I'm gonna be.

I'm done sponging off of other people.

So Jacqueline White
is going to be an agent.


[upbeat music]

Hey! Where's the dean?

He's in there with Kimmy Schmidt.

What? She's not in there!

That's the last place I saw them,
so that's where they must be.

I'm-- I'm waiting for her.

Why? She's not into white guys.

No, I need to find her.

She helped me, and I need her help again.

You need her help.

Yeah, that was my plan all along.

Not to hammer a dean.

I'm here to do your thing.

You got cab fare?

-I have a car.

Well, let's see how fast
you can run to it.


Come on!

[tires squealing]

Crazy drunk driver.


Get in!

It's about your future.

Zach, what are you doing here?

I need your help.

That building is a sideways tugboat.

[Lillian] He needs your help, Kimmy.

Only you.

Now, I don't know if he's gonna be
an onion or an apple,

but don't you just want to bite him?


I'm so confused, Lillian.

That's my girl.

Come! [laughing]

[engine revving]

[dramatic music]

[engine stalling]

[engine turning over]

[gasps] What is this place?

Does it appear for one day
every hundred years?

Don't disappear, magical office.

This is my company.

I was running it out of my dorm room,

but after I developed
the soups and wet foods algorithm

for Nom Nom,
some major funding came through.

That's why I quit Columbia.

Do you like it?

Do you want to work here?

You want to give me a job?

D-d-di-did I stutter? D-damn it.

But I just effed out of college.

Don't you want to hire a robot
or something?

A robot can't do what you did today.

You noticed me.

You remembered my name.

You made me feel calm
when my brain was hot.

Also, the dogs don't hide from you.

Fifteen employees start tomorrow,

and I don't want to talk to them.


I need someone
with your emotional intelligence.

That's a real thing?

I thought the dean was making it up
so I'd feel better,

like when your mom says everything

must have fallen out of Santa's sleigh.

Oh, boy. Even I know that's this.

So what do you say?

Zach, I'm...


-Get it?
-It was gotten. Yes.

Hello, coworker. I'm Kimmy.

What do you do here?

Let me guess.

Bark-eting manager.

Shar Pei-roll?


Accounts retrievable?

Don't try to stop me,
because I never will!

♪ When Kimmy was touring colleges ♪

♪ They gave this out for free ♪

♪ A staple-bound pamphlet
With a test inside ♪

♪ To tell you what you should be ♪

♪ Oh, Lord, to tell you
What you should be ♪

♪ She added up her answers ♪

♪ And then she laughed so hard ♪

♪ Not only did Kimmy score a 69 ♪

♪ That meant she'd be a crossing guard
Oh, fool ♪

♪ That meant she'd be a crossing guard ♪

♪ Oh, the captain told little Kimmy ♪

♪ "I'm gonna bring me a Yuko to town ♪

♪ I'm gonna set me a Yuko
Out in the street ♪

♪ She'll get those children
Where they're bound ♪

♪ Well, oh, well, she'll get
Those children where they're bound" ♪

♪ So Kimmy told the captain ♪

♪ "Oh, Kimmy ain't no delicate miss ♪

♪ And before I'll let ol' Yuko
Break me down ♪

♪ I'll die with a stop sign in my fist ♪

♪ Golly, I'll die with a stop sign
In my fist" ♪

-Good night, everybody!
-Good night!