Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 12 - Kimmy and the Trolley Problem! - full transcript

Russ' transformation opens doors for Jacqueline. Kimmy wrestles with a philosophical dilemma. Artie invites Lillian on a European cruise.

But utilitarianism would say

you have an obligation to pull the switch.

Saving five people justifies killing one.

The one person isn't Hitler.

Or a Dracula.

[Zach] Professor Walter, was the trolley

a wire-bound Birney heritage trolley

or a modern Gomaco-made streetcar?

-It doesn't matter.

The point is, you should pursue

the greatest good
for the greatest number of people.

For example, if I have two pairs of shoes

and someone else has none,
I should give them one of mine.

I have five pairs of shoes.

Am I being selfish
by not giving the other four pairs

to, like, an octopus?

Well, a strict ethical altruist would say

you should give away
everything that you have.

I'm worried I'm not being
a good enough person.

Well, asking those questions
is what philosophy is all about.

That and justifying an open marriage

to a wife who agrees a little too readily.

Now every time you come home,
the mailbox flag is up,

and you have to grade papers
by the dome light in your car.

Well, that's class.

[quirky music]

Kimmy, I need to ask you
for a favor, okay?

Anything, Xan. Anything.

You are my sister, and I love you.

God! Look, I've been working
at the university TV station.

CTV? My favorite show
is the dining hall menu.

Does that mean
you get the menu ahead of time?

When's chicken?

They're letting me produce my own show
about women on campus.

Is it called She-lumbia?

Her-spectives? Gals on the Town?

Shut up. It's called Profiles.

Oof, is that set in stone?

It's kind of a big deal for a first-year,
and I was hoping that you'd come on

and talk about your tragic life
or whatever.

Oh, I don't know, Xan.

I wanna help, but I just started
bumping that stuff down the old Google.

What if, instead,
I talked about my style icons?

Hello Kitty seems innocent, but... she is.

You wanna help, come on the show.

Don't you think people
would be inspired by your story?

You're, like, a symbol

that people can overcome anything.


The greatest good
for the greatest number of people.

I guess I don't have a choice.

All right, Xan, I'll do it.

I'll come on Reflections.

It's called Profiles.

Until the ratings come in.


[upbeat music]

[Bankston] ♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

That's gonna be, uh...

you know, a fascinating transition.

[singers] ♪ Damn it ♪

[whimsical music]

[Russ] Why do people keep baring
their teeth at me?

Oh, no, Russ,

they're just smiling.

People smile
when they see something beautiful.

You'll get used to it.

Especially once we get you
some new clothes.

Yeah, the doctor said I could shop
at regular clothing stores now.

[both chuckle]

You know I don't care
what you look like, right?

I'm just happy to have you back.

It's the two of us now.

-Because your family--
-Where? Here?

-No, no.
-No, no, no, no!

Sweetie, I'm just saying
we never have to see them again.

[suspenseful music]

[Russ] Oh, my God.

I'm in the paper.

And they didn't even pixelate my neck!


This is gonna take some getting used to.

Don't worry. Not everything's changing.

You've still got your charities,

and now we're gonna
save the world together.

Those poor people and endangered animals
won't even know what hit 'em.

Us, helping the crap out of them.

Over and over.

So they can't even walk.


God, I want you.

Everybody leave!

[sultry music]

Thanks, Sam.

Ooh, hey, hot stuff.



there's something
I've been wanting to ask you.

Would you like to take a trip with me?

A trip? Well, sure.

What do you wanna do?

Uh, shrooms? Lids?

Donkeytips? Ooh.

If you dissolve a Urethrex in sizzurp--

No. A trip to Europe.

I wanna take a river cruise
with you and a bunch of other couples

and, like, one weird single guy
that didn't quite know what he was in for.

Europe? The Kaushtuppers fled Europe

to escape the persecution
of the cow owners.

Come on, you'll love it.

I booked us on a National Geographic
smoked fish tour of Scandinavia.

Listen, I can't just pick up
and leave like that.

Who's gonna take care of my cats?

Or my Titus?

Who is gonna watch over my valuables?

I got a baseball
autographed by Bernie Goetz.

Lillian, modern technology
can take care of all of that.

We're going to the gizmo store.


This past year
has not been as effortless

as my nonstop elegance,

but with Russ, I feel like
I am finally getting my reward.

I just wanna bend him over a chair and--

And do what?

Why are you telling me this?

Well, I have to brag to someone,
and talking to Kimmy about guys--

Ugh, it's such a bummer,
and she's always like,

"Is he as cute as Edward Furlong?"

And then you have to

walk her through what Edward Furlong
looks like now, and then...

-Here come the waterworks.
-...here come the waterworks.

-[door opens]
-[Russ] Jacqueline!

Look! I found a new stomach muscle.

-Show me by a chair.
-[phone clatters]

[door opens]

Titus, Xan has a TV show--

[Titus] Who's Xan?

She has her own show? I hate her.

Will you introduce me?

I told her I'd be a guest on it.

-It's called Profiles--

Is she married to that?

It's not fair.

First Jacqueline gets
a hottie with a body--

trademark me, 1994--

and now you're gonna be on TV,

and TV's in yet another golden age.

Believe me, I know.

Mr. Donnie Wahlberg
gave up music superstardom

for exactly this kind of opportunity.

But Xan wants me to talk about the bunker.

It's bad enough that everyone
can just look me up on the Internet,

but I don't want people
to see me as some symbol.

Don't worry.

Everyone just thinks of you
as Titus' busted hag.

I know I have to do this.

I just don't know how to talk about it.

Ask your friend Cyndee.
She talks about the bunker all the time.

I'm Cyndee Pokorny.

"Me and the other Indiana 'blank' Women
were named after this burrowing rodent."


I can't believe I'm asking
Cyndee Pokorny for advice.

[scoffs] Last time she was here,

she ate all my plastic Barbie fruit.

It's too small to be real, Cyndee.

[line ringing]

Kimmy? You gotta help me.

I don't like it here.

Where are you?

It's awful.

It's called... the Javits Center.

I'll be right there.

[dramatic music]

[indistinct chatter]

Support us and become VIP member
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[Cyndee] Let me tell you, sir,
if I'd been kept

in a BunCo bunker,

I never would have gotten out.

That's great. Can you struggle
with the door a little bit?




Why didn't you tell me
you were in New York?

I had no idea.

I just go where BunCo tells me,

and from the looks of this place,

I just assumed
we were in Dallas... or Houston.

It's so depressing here.

There are still Hillary balloons
in the ceiling.

Well, it's good to see you,
but I'm kinda on the clock,

so let me do my pitch real quick.


you've got her in your van.

Now what? BunCo--

Okay, how do you do that?

Talk about what happened

in front of, like, all these people?


So I guess there's two things

I know more about than you.

Talking about bunkers
and my mom's phone number.

I don't like it here.

-[door opens]
-[Russ] Honey!

Look at my new door-opening strength.

[handle rattles]

Like it's nothing!

Who sent you a gift basket?

Actually, it's for you
from Andy Cohen at... Bravó!

Oh, no.

Look, after my divorce,

I was not at my best.

I ate leftovers.

I signed up for JDate, Christian Mingle,
and what turned out to be

an ISIS recruitment site,

and in a particularly low moment,

I may have sent in an audition tape
for Real Housewives of New York.

The only thing
that never goes out of style

is being in it.

Wait till you meet my assistant, Kimberly.

Get over here, you drunk slut.

What's the camera for?

[gasps] Are we doing a Harlem Shake?


Get small, muchachos.

-[Russ] Wait, I know that show.

I did some pro bono work
for a limo driver who was scalded

after one of those women threw
a Skinnygirl hot toddy on his crotch.

Now Andy Cohen wants to meet with me?

I'm so embarrassed, Russ.

That's not who I am anymore.

Because of you,
the woman on that tape is dead.

Boy, I wish that was the first time
that had been said to a Snyder.

Now the only reality show I care about

is providing affordable dental care

to young women
all over the world who busted.


saving this guy...

[bestial hissing and snarling]

...from extinction.

Right, right. The Haitian toilet rat.

Oh, we're trying to use
the scientific name,

Hispaniolan solenodon.

It's not easy to get people
to care about this little fella

and his unquenchable thirst
for human poop.

Well, if you really want
to get the word out,

those Real Housewife shows
are popular, right?

-I know for a fact

that 2.8 million people
saw my client's genitals get erased.

Well, it would raise awareness.

Certainly more than
the Rat Bucket Challenge.

-That did not work.

So let's just meet with this guy.

If you really think it's a good idea.

Did you buy more copies
of today's Post?

Yeah, it's just...

how often does the newspaper say
you went from "dud to stud"?

They also said I went
from "slop job to top dog,"

"fugly to snuggly,"
"hot mess to great vest."

They Photoshopped a vest on me
to make that one work.

It's not a great paper.

[both chuckle]

[quirky music]

Well, now this thing wants a fingerprint.

No way. First of all,

I sanded mine off
after the Lufthansa heist,

and that thumb I found--

Lillian, this thing
is gonna solve all your problems.

I don't--

You can use it to feed your cats
with this automatic cat feeder.

"For if you ever leave your apartment."

And you can check on your stuff
with this wireless security camera.

Hey, this thing has night vision.

Maybe now I can finally catch that ghost.

Or realize it's just Titus
stealing your food in a sheet.

Yeah, that's what you think.

And this is a mini 3-D printer.

TSA doesn't allow weapons on planes,

but when we get to Stockholm,

we can print a copy of that hammer

you're always carrying around with you.

It's a bus pass. It's a key.
It's a hammer.

See? The modern world's not so bad.

[Lillian] Mm...

[Lillian sighs]

Everybody leave.

[Andy] Thanks for meeting with us,

I hope you enjoyed the gift baské.

Well, I'm certainly flattered
that you liked my tape.

Your music video was long.


Imagine there's music.

♪ I'm lookin' for a sugar dadday ♪

♪ Who has a lap for babay ♪

[moans] Oh.

Wah, wah.

[Buckley] Mom, what are you doing?

You have to remember,
that was months ago.

Honestly, Jacqueline,
you didn't even get on our gaydar,

which is a machine
we have here at Bravo...

We do.

...until we saw you in the Post
with him.

Me? No.

-[Andy mouths word]
-[Russ] Oh, no, no, no.

I'm just a wealthy lawyer
who became hot while he was in a coma.

Yeah, all I really want is to have
a legal marriage with this woman.


Well said, Samjamin.

Look, the only reason we're even here

is to get exposure
for a very important charity.

Sure, I have a charity that pays hotels

to not recommend
restaurants I love to tourists.

[whispering] So important.

Well, the Hispaniolan solenodon...

[bestial hissing]

...is critically endangered.

No, thank you.

Ugh, she busted!

Our shows are about beautiful things.

If you're gonna talk about a charity,

it needs to be for, like,

wicker baskets at a beach house

or the way Cate Blanchett carries herself.

Or how about tigers?

[Samjamin] Mm.

"Rawr" comes to mind.

What do tigers have to do
with saving the toilet rat?

Jacqueline, it's-- it's the halo effect.

You save the apex predator,
you save the ecosystem.

But tigers don't live in Haiti.

Have you seen Life of Pi?

Tigers go on boats,

and wait, I forget, do boats go to Haiti?

Looks like we have a deal.

[dramatic music]

-All right, Cyndee--
-Oh, hang on.

You've got loose shrimp in here.

Nom, nom, nom. Take that, shrimps.

Cyndee, stop eating air shrimp.

Now everyone said "shrimp" except me.

-All right, how do I do this?

How do I talk about "you know who"

"you know what-ing" me

while we were in the "you know where"?

Okay, when you meet Alex Trebek,

don't get freaked out that he has legs.

What? No, I know people have legs.

Lieutenant Dan doesn't.

[exhales sharply] Cyndee,

that is not the kind of help Kimmy needs.

[sighs] The key is being able
to cry on cue.

Imagine you're biting
into a delicious stick of butter

and then it's just cheese.

[crying] Why?

Could you two be any less helpful?

-Wow, Chandler, Kimmy?
-Not Chandler. That's uncalled for.

Look, I don't want to do Xan's show.

-Then don't.

But the thing is, I have to do it.

Because of the money.

No, I'm not getting paid, Cyndee.

Your reward is participating

in television's current golden age.

It's because I have an obligation
to help people.

So if going on TV will do that,
then I don't have a choice.

Even if it kills me.

Says who?

Uh, I don't know. Philosophy?

Kill one person to save five.

Give your extra shoes to a spider.

Donate all your organs,
'cause, yeah, you die,

but you save, like, 100 people.

I don't know how many organs a person has.

So that's philosophy?


Yeah, if everyone donated

all their organs,
then everyone would be dead,

and there'd just be,
like, a pile of organs.

I must not be explaining it right.

Look, if a trolley--

-What kind of trolley?
-I don't know! Just learned this morning.

Doesn't sound like you did.

[laughs] Sick burn, Cyndee. I like you.

I don't know
how to explain this stuff to you two.

You know what?
Come to class with me tomorrow.

And to quote a poster of Bo Jackson

wearing a graduation cap I once saw,

"Feel the learn."

[door shuts]

On the count of three,
let's say what we want for dinner.

One, two, three.

-[both] Dessert spaghetti!
-[Cyndee squeals]

[both laugh]

[bestial hissing]

How does this look? After the Post story,

I really feel like people
are gonna expect a vest.

What's going on here, Russ?

Do you not like it? I was gonna wear it

to the launch party
for Skinnygirl baby formula this weekend.

Look, I know, for you,
this is a whole new world.

-I feel like Jasmine.
-Not Aladdin?

But I feel like
all this attention is making you forget

what we're trying to do here.

No, yeah, the tigers. Of course.

No, the toilet rat. It's going extinct.

Who cares? I hope it does!

I'm sorry.

It's just, that weird,

unloved little creature,

that's who I used to be,

and I don't want to be reminded of it.

'Cause I'm a pretty tiger now.

Every minute of my life
has been a struggle,

against animal poachers and slum lords

and my own family.

I know.

Your brothers
nearly punch-buggied you to death.

After luring me
into a Volkswagen dealership.

That's not fair!

Well, I'm not that kid anymore.

Hiding in the attic,

sorting my shells.

[Jacqueline exhales]

So I'm sorry
if I just wanna enjoy life for once.

And you should,

but does it have to be
on Real Housewives?

Why not? Come on, it'll be fun.

Oh, I gotta bring
a change of clothes to the party.

The Countess is supposed
to shove me into a koi pond.

[soft music]

[mischievous music]

I just rocked an old man's bones

all night long. Jealous?

Ugh, no.

Wait, now I'm picturing being with Artie.

He's so attentive.

Artie invited me to go to Europe with him,

and he got me a translation app
on my phone

so I don't have to learn
any of the dumb languages.

It's not fair. Russ is hot.

Kimmy's on TV.

Now you're going to Europe.

Artie's probably gonna propose.

Meanwhile, I've been a saint all year!

Some of the saints
were flawed in real life.

Look at Francis. I don't trust a man
who spends that much time with birds.

Wait, so you think
this is gonna be a proposal?

Well, he's gonna have
to ask my parents first.

At Greenwood Cemetery...

[softly] Oh.

...where they work.

But is that what I want?

I thought I'd never get married again
after Roland died.

Was shot in the face by you, Lillian!

Well, he died, didn't he?

[quirky music]

[Russ straining, grunting]

Do you know what this is?

It's a fox shell. Fasciolaria trapezium.

[sighs] Russ, this is still inside you.

I know. Because my brothers...

No, I mean, that kid in the attic

is a big part of who you are,
and I don't want to lose him.

I do.

I was in the attic
because I was hiding from my family.

I know. They tormented you.

So you've always stood up
for the less fortunate,

the unloved, the little guy,

and that's why your family
is on their way up here right now.

What? No!

No, no!

I'm sorry, but if you're gonna remember

what it's like to be the underdog,
I'm gonna have to pile some dogs on you.

You said I would never
have to see them again!

[door opens]

-There he is!

No, don't hit me!

[all laugh]

What's happening?

What? Can't a father hug his son?

Ooh, I am so proud of you,

going from dud to stud like this!

We couldn't believe it
when we saw your picture in Hot Beef.

[Drew] It's a magazine
that Flash and I use

to get pumped for workouts.

Oh, boy, this is a lot to take in.

Said the tailor.

[all laugh]

[all talking at once]


Got a sec, Teach?

I've asked you not to call me that.

I was trying to explain
utilitarianism to my friends...

Titus Andromedon, star on the rise.

[Cyndee] Cyndee Pokorny,

BunCo booth honey.

And I really beefed it.

It's all about doing what you can
to maximize the good, right?

Like, if you see someone with no shoes,
you should give them yours.

Girl, no one wants
your Swedish-ass shoes.

Or, if you had a pizza,
you'd give it to people who were starving.

-[Kimmy] Right.

Even if that means you starve to death.

So if I have a story
that could really help people,

I should share it, even if it hurts bad.

Well, um, my mentor, Peter Singer
from Princeton University...

[whispering] Real Ivy.

...would say that a truly moral person

would even give away her organs
to those in need.

Of course, if everyone did that

in the real world, there'd just be this,
like, pile of organs.

[Kimmy] But no. Utilitarianism--

Is just one theory.

Next week, we're getting into
Kant's categorical imperative,

which says something totally different,

and according to ethical egoism,

being selfish is the only true morality.

Philosophy is... dumb.

So I don't have to tell people
about my stuff if I don't want to.

John Stuart Mill said

taking "sufficient enjoyment" in life

is actually necessary to act morally,

which is the part of it that the wife

really latched on to.

Oh, I've gotta run.

If I get fired from BunCo,

I'll have to go back
to working the booth for SafetyTube.

[scoffs] It's just an inferior product.

[quirky music]

One, two, three.

[Orson] Damn it, Russ.

I meant to bring Lappy for you.

I swear I had him in the car a...

Well, there you are, Lappy!

Say hi to Russ!

-[all laugh]
-Go for it, big brother.

-[Russ] Okay.

[Orson chuckling]

[Russ giggling]

Are you actually enjoying this?

These people are the bad guys.

Our shared hatred of your family

is what brought us together
in the first place.

Speaking of which, you can do better, son.

I know,

but... they're my family,

and they're being nice to me...

and I don't care why.

But they're monsters.

They sent your brother to Gitmo.

[Orson] That reminds me.

The team needs a new head of PR,

and I want this face

to be the new face
of the Washington Gun-Takers.

I guess I could ask Andy
to be on Real Housewives of Potomac.

[Orson] Good idea, son.

Think of the exposure for the team.

I know I said
I didn't want them in my life,

but maybe that's because
I never thought this would happen.

I mean, me... on Lappy!

That kid in the attic,

what do you think he was whispering
into those shells?

Don't ruin this, Russ.

I was trying to fix you,

but this is worse than Real Housewives.

I don't wanna be a Snyder.

[Orson] Oh, well,
I know when I'm not wanted.

Snyders... to the blimp pad.

We should be in D.C. in 30 to 40 hours,

depending on the wind.

I thought you turning into
a hottie with a body, trademark Titus,

was my reward for everything I did

while you were in the hospital,

but it's your reward.

Mine was learning that I'm smart

and strong

and I can do anything.

I cooked.

I had sex with your grandmother's ghost.


You know, the Jacqueline
who made that audition tape

would've loved this Russ.

But we're going in different directions.

[Russ sighs]

[stirring orchestral music]

[cat meows]

All right, phone,
you think you know everything?

Answer me this:

If me and Artie is forever,

does that mean I'm betraying the memory

of my sweet,

funky late husband Roland Peacock?

[Siri] This is what I found on the web
for Roland Peacock.


How do you know Roland, you skank?

Oh, "Live at the Brown Note."

I remember that show.

-[Roland] Thank you, thank you.

Now, this next sloppy jam
goes out to my old lady, Lillian.

Yeah, I plan on spending the rest
of my life with that freaky sister,

whether it's 100 years
or she shoots me in the face tomorrow.

Either way,
this song is about me dying first.

It's called "Move On, Baby,


A Turkey Dinner.

Close parentheses."
Here we go.

[bass guitar solo]

I shot him that night.

Oh... [crying softly]

Thank you.

Thank you, Roland.

[laughs softly]

Hey, Artie.

[dramatic music]


Oh, no.

Hotsy-totsy Liberace.
I've killed another one.

[stately trumpet music]

Good evening. I'm Xanthippe Voorhees.

And welcome to the first-ever episode
of Profiles.

My guest tonight
is a symbol of courage and hope.

So all you Xan-Heads out there,

please give a warm welcome
to Kimmy Schmidt.

Thank you, Xan.

I can't believe that high school girl
I once caught

trying to bury her wet sheets
in the garden has a TV show.

No! Why?

Just tell us what happened to you.


I'm not gonna do that, Xan.

Of course not. Oh, you bitch.

I know that sharing my story might help

some of the millions of people
watching right now,

but it's still my story.

And I don't have to share it
if I don't want to.

As Judge Mills Lane said,

"You have to take some fishing enjoyment."


Whatever that was originally,
we'll never know.

There are a lot of ways to help people,

and I guess I'll keep doing it
one person at a time.

Starting right now.

Is that why your friend is here
with a bag of wigs?

Titus, welcome
to the golden age of television.

Oh. [chuckles]

[whimsical music]

I didn't see y'all come in.

You know, growing up in Mississippi,

you sure do meet a lot of characters.

[Titus groans]

[Titus sighs]

I'll never forget the day

Miss Marilyn Monroe come to town.

Did I not bring it?

[door opens]

-[Lillian] Oh.
-Hey, Lillian.

Artie's dead, Kitus.

No time to say both your names. He's dead.

[both] What?

Can I have his stuff?

I killed another man in my bedroom.

Oh, oh, God.

[door opens]

Lillian, there you are.

You sure spend a lot of time
in your tenants' apartment.

Is it okay with them?

You're... alive.

We don't know he's not a zombie.

Mr. Goodman, say something
only an alive person would say.

Okay, uh...

you know you're in
a golden age of television

when you take a show
like The Americans for granted.

My God, Artie.

You didn't have a pulse.

Ah, look, I didn't want to worry you,

but I have an LVAD machine in my heart.

Like Dick Cheney had,
but mine was replacing something.

Tough crowd. That was solid.

Anyway, there's
a continuous flow of blood,

so there's no pulse.

So you gotta have that machine
in your chest forever,

like me with that cop's bullet?

Maybe that's why I love technology.

It's keeping me alive,

and I can watch a TV show
while recording two others.

[Lillian giggles]

But the LVAD, it's not a permanent fix.

The doctors say I could have
a year, maybe two.

Or it could be a month. So...

[Titus whimpers]

Titus, don't make this about you.

It's too late.

I'm gonna miss you so much,
Lillian's friend.

[Lillian crying softly]

[Titus crying softly]

[Titus] It wasn't butter.

I know.

[Titus] It was cheese!

All right, now, this next one is called

"Artie's Heart Don't Work

Parentheses Twist."

[bass guitar solo]

[no audible dialogue]


No, no, no, no.

We got about eight minutes left.

-Good night, everybody!
-Good night!