Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 10 - Kimmy Pulls Off a Heist! - full transcript

Kimmy and Titus get in over their heads when they steal a gas station bathroom key. Jacqueline plots to infiltrate the NFL owners' meeting.

[playful music]

Peter Stuyvesant.

You white, one-legged son of a bitch.

You took Manhattan
like you were a bunch of Muppets!

But your time is over.

My family is Lakota Sioux.

I know I don't look it,

but it's a Heather Locklear situation.

Google it.

I have Iktomi the spider on my side,

and I don't want to brag,



but he is one
of the more famous trickster spiders.

And today, we're gonna go
to the NFL owners' meeting

and change the name
of your precious Washington Redskins!

[dramatic music]

[upbeat music]

[Bankston] ♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪



♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

That's gonna be, uh...

you know, a fascinating transition.

[singers] ♪ Damn it ♪

I didn't expect a movie
about Wallace Shawn eating alone

to be so loud.

Mm. The part with the yogurt was scary.

So you want to go for a walk?

Oh, I already hit
my step-count goals for the day.

Two hundred. [chuckles]

Okay.

Well, I'll give you a call?

Text me.

I ran out of minutes
trying to win this radio contest.

I wanted to meet Trace Adkins

to see if they were a group,
a person, or a diet plan.

[playful music]

Bathroom key, s'il vous please.

I got two rules here, pal.

Number one:

Never box yourself in

with an unnecessarily low rule number.

Two:

BCO, baby.

Bathroom for customers only.

Oh, I'm a customer.

I bought a Charleston Chew here in 2007.

Nah, nah, nah, nah.

That might have worked with the last guy.

New owner, new rules.

Sir, I was just
in a very long movie,

and I couldn't go to the bathroom there
because I was on a date with another man.

He could just walk in, get a side view,

and then, where's the mystery? [laughs]

Buy something!

Can I interest you in an all-beak hot dog?

Did you say "beef" or "beak"?

-Ah...
-[scoffs]

Ah, was that so hard?

Here you go.

Another 75 cents towards retirement.

[sighs]

Someday, I'll see a boat in person.

[knocking on door]

Orson.

What are you doing here?

I'm here to clean up my son's mess,

like I'm some Four Seasons
hot tub attendant.

It's 'cause of the jets I do that.

Haven't you said enough?

Well, what exactly do you have on there?

What did my son say?

Oh, just that concussions
are good for business.

You make the footballs
while the pigs are still alive.

Over the years,
you've killed four Eli Mannings.

But people know that already, right?

The clones are not convincing.

Have you seen
the latest Toyota commercial?

Toyoga!

God damn it!

This is what I get
for having children with a woman.

I mean, he's half girl.

Well, you can make it all go away.

Change the name,

and this never sees the light of day.

I don't like losing.

I'm a white man. We always win.

Except at sports.

Except at hockey!

You can bully me.

You can threaten.

You can even have
that breath you have right now,

but the Redskins are done.

[dramatic music]

[Duke] We're gonna stop you.

Right, Dad?

We? [scoffs]

The only thing you're doing
is waiting in the car.

Can I at least call OnStar
and pretend I've had an accident?

No! That's for good boys.

♪ This is the cleaning song ♪

♪ We whistle as we go along ♪

[blows air]

[blows air]

-[blows air]
-[door opens]

[gasps] Hey!

How was the big date?

Meh...

After the movie, he suggested walking,

which would be exciting
if I were a baby or a mermaid.

But I'm neither.

So are you gonna call him?
Or does he call you?

How do boys decide who calls?

Is that what "top" means?

Ignoring this.

And then afterwards,

I went to the gas station
to use the bathroom,

and it's got
a "customers only" policy now.

I was forced to buy gum.

[Titus exhales sharply]

Gum is the lie
your mouth tells your stomach.

Titus, just use our bathroom.

Never, Kimmy Jimmel.

Our bathroom is strictly
for grooming, shame eating,

and pep talks
before trying to put on jeans.

Unlike you, I have some self-respect,

which means I need to get
my own copy of that key.

How?

[gasps]

A heist.

Stealing, Titus? Really?

No, gas station man is stealing from me.

I have been pooping--
or whatever, maintain the mystery--

there for years.

But to right this wrong,
I'm gonna need your help.

No way.

In philosophy, we've been learning

about good and evil,

and I think stealing is evil.

Need I remind you, you owe me one.

-[choking]
-[television playing indistinctly]

-Girl, I'm trying to watch this!
-[coughs]

[gasps] Thanks. I owe you one.

Dang it.

Going back on a promise would mean
breaking the Rousseauvian social contract.

That's right.

So let's go steal the key
to a gas station bathroom.

[Titus] We get in, we get out,

like a Titus on prom night.

Just act natural...

Hello. It is today.

...and buy something normal.

I'm having a dinner party,

and I'm serving duck.

So I'll need...

a carton of red Pixy Stix.

I gotta warn you,
these are "Child Beauty Pageant" strength.

Okay?

[register beeps]

[Titus] After you buy something,

get the key.

Real cool.

Say, compadre,

I need to make plops.

There you go.

[Titus] Throw the key
out the bathroom window

so I can take it to the hardware store.

I'll run like the wind.

[Kimmy] I know you won't.

[Titus] The wind can be slow, Kimmy.

[Titus] Wait until you hear my signal.

Buh-bird! Bird!

Buh-buh-buh-bird!

Head back to the counter.

My associate will return
the original key to you.

Thank you for the bowl.

Oh, sure. Here's your change.

What did those people do to get banned?

[Paulie] The usual.

Shoplifting.

Taking two pennies

when it clearly says, "Take a penny."

Shooting me twice, leaving me for dead.

[gasps]

-[cat meows]
-[gasps]

[gulps] Well, thank you so much.

Have a good day. I don't live around here.

[crowd] Change the name! Change the name!

Change the name! Change the name!

I love you, Dad!

[crowd] Change the name! Change the name!

Change the name! Change the name!
Change the name!

Change the name! Change the name!

Change the name! Change the name!
Change the name!

Mom, Dad, you're here!

Did your powers tell you
that something important was happening?

We don't have powers.

We're here to protest the Redskins,
Jackie Lynn.

And to eat at that restaurant
where the waiters are ninjas.

We would have called, but...
you're kind of what we're protesting.

No, Mom, I'm taking them down

from the inside, like a Trojan horse.

On the outside,
I'm a beautiful golden pony,

but on the inside,
I'm teeming with filthy Greek men.

Hey, Fern, she's got another plan.

Well, isn't that just wonderful?

I know I've made mistakes,

and I've eaten crow.

But not really, right?

Only once, and I learned that

I never want to eat crow meat again.

So today's gonna be different,

and you'll be the ones trying to knock
a crow out of the air with a rake.

[crowd] Change the name! Change the name!

Change the name!

[tense music]

Ooh! That's the business.

Business idea! Start a business!

Kimmy, we got a problem.

First of all, that chili I found
is going right through me.

No, if this has anything to do
with that bathroom, I did my part.

You got the key. We're square.

Key's no good if I can't use it.

Paulie sits right by the door.

If he sees me come in, at some point,
he's gonna start to wonder where I went,

'cause I intrigue people.

You need to distract him

so I can go in; make him turn around--

No way, Titus. I'm out.

You're out?

[laughs] You don't get to quit this life.

I'm going to the bathroom.

If I get caught, I'm not going down alone.

You feel me, baby girl?

No, Titus. I'm not a crook.

If I'm gonna have my picture
in a gas station,

it'll be for a good reason, like I'm sick
and the community is raising money

so I can have one last birthday party.

Well, then we best get going.

[inhales sharply]

Oh, yeah.

Hmm...

Got any packs

without those warnings?

I'm not a big reader.

[Kimmy] Maybe if I hear the name,

I'll remember which brand of condom
I liked so much.

We have expired Trojans, Safeway Select,

Lil' Stinkers, El Bandito Picante,

Monologue-- for the careful masturbator--

Garbage D by Hefty,

and Gonzo's Nose for the curved gentleman.

We're all out of Pixy Stix.

Don't do me like that, Paulie!

I need my Stix!

[hip-hop music playing]

[woman] ♪ I expensive ♪

♪ Famous, I so famous ♪

♪ Big cats, big cars ♪

♪ Big words, so famous ♪

♪ Land of the free? ♪

♪ Dis ass ain't free ♪

♪ I expensive ♪

♪ I expensive ♪

[vocalizing The Star-Spangled Banner]
♪ Da, na-na ♪

[woman] ♪ Na, na, na ♪

♪ Na-na-na ♪

♪ Na, na, na ♪

♪ Na, na, na... ♪

♪ Na, na, na ♪

-Come on, people.
-[turns off TV]

You let one person
play their mistress's music video,

everybody's gonna want
to play their mistress's music video.

My video is just Marge here
eating a birthday cake made of meat.

She just goes off.

I see we have a new face in the room.

[Junior] Yep!

I got a new face

'cause I ran my Jet Ski into a Chipotle.

I meant Orson's guest.

My name is Jacqueline White.

And I have something

you're all gonna want to see.

Ooh, is it a skinny kid and a fat kid

and the skinny kid's playing
a big ol' tuba

and the fat kid's playing
a little tiny flute?

Um, no.

In a moment,

Mr. Snyder is going to ask

to change the name of the Redskins.

[all gasp and murmur]

Damn it!

Can a lady get a heads-up

before she tucks into a dang sub?

Sorry.

But this is why
you're all gonna go along with it.

Mr. Gozer, would you turn on the TV?

[Gozer] Okay.

-Uh, that's the wrong input.
-[Gozer] No, honey.

'Cause I have something
you're gonna want to see.

[newscaster] Back to you, Guy.

Breaking news: Duke LaCrosse Snyder,

who was tapped
to succeed his father, Orson,

as chairman
of the Washington Redskins,

has been arrested in Midtown Manhattan,

after family members, concerned

by a pattern
of increasingly erratic behavior

discovered that
he had been radicalized by ISIS.

[Duke] You don't understand!

This is 'cause Cork Rockingham
found out about the baloney!

Authorities tell us there is
no such person as Cork Rockingham.

A statement by the Department
of Homeland Security says, in part,

"Duke Snyder is a deranged individual

who consistently replies 'maybe'
on Evites.

Anything he says should be considered

a lie intended to harm America."

-Tough day--
-[remote clicks]

So... what'd you want to show us?

[Junior] Oh!

Is it Octonauts?

You did that to your own son?

Desperate times
call for desperate measures.

[Gozer] The league has enough problems

as it is, Ms. White.

Viewership is down almost 10%,
ad revenue is falling,

and merchandise sales are off.

The number-one-selling jersey last year
was Colin Kaepernick,

and he's a damn anthem-kneeler.

Americans don't kneel.

Come over here and try to bend this!

You people don't care about anything.

Except money.

[laughs] "You people," is it, huh?

And the Department of Justice
thinks I'm a racist.

Send in an Eli Manning
to escort Ms. White out, please.

[Eli clone] Toyoga!

[grunts]

Oh, is it those quadruplets laughing?

I haven't had
a bathroom situation this good

since I got picked
for that Depends focus group.

The world was my bathroom, Kimmy.

Quit yelling about bathrooms, man.

It's the fuzz.
He's being carried by Paulie.

Hey, hey, hey. Kimmy, right?

Did you ever find
those extra-wide tampons?

Nah, man. Always looking, though.

Hi, I-I'm Paulie Fucillo.

Am I being racist, or have we met?

-Racist.
-Oh.

Uh, that's a beautiful scarf.

The Fucillos were weavers
in the old country.

They had a saying...

[in Italian] "Without a scarf

the neck is just a skin tube."

Uh, I gotta get back to work.

It's good to know that we're neighbors,

and if you ever need to borrow

a cup of sugar,

you're gonna have to pay,
'cause I run a store.

-[Titus chuckles]
-[cat meows]

You gave him your real name?

You want me to say
my name's Rock 'n' Roll Rhonda

when I'm wearing
a fudging "Kimmy" necklace?

And now he knows where we live.

Well, he won't suspect a thing
unless one of us cracks.

So you better get small, muchacho,
get small fast.

I knew this was a bad idea, Titus.

Like "orange juice with pulp" bad.

Titus?

[Kimmy gasps]

What the fudge are you doing,
you crazy motherfudger?

You need to lay off the fairy dust,
Bright Lights Big Schmidty.

I got a good thing going

with this bathroom,
and I'm not gonna let you blow it.

Me? You're the one
pooping like a carriage horse.

[gasps]

[tense music]

I should go throw this key
in the river right now.

[Titus] Whoa.

Okay. Don't have a Kim-bolism.

Just... [panting]

be like Fonzie.

Jewish?

That's right. Real Jewish.

Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

[Paulie] I don't get it.

The bathroom is a mess.

Toilet paper use is up.

Some jamoke

is using the bathroom
without me knowing it.

Now, my mama didn't raise no fool.

'Cause she abandoned me in a hospital.

[dramatic music]

[meows]

You're right.

Kimmy comes by a lot,

but she doesn't use the bathroom.

She-- She comes up to the counter...

but she doesn't buy anything.

So...

So either she's in love with me...

[meows]

Or-- Or she's a patsy.

It's time to put some pressure
on the weak link.

[playful music]

Ina, Até...

I just wanted
to give you this necklace back.

My mother's necklace?

I thought she was buried with this.

The point is, I failed, okay?

Even with Iktomi on my side.

Iktomi? You don't want him on your side.

[Virgil] He's always lying

about having a magic bag
so he can murder ducks or whatever.

He's a wily trickster.

Well, I'm done failing.

'Cause I'm done trying. I give up.

For good.

Oh, honey, it's not your fault.

Those rich white folks

don't care about anyone but themselves.

And their money.

Greed is part of human nature.

That's how Iktomi
takes advantage of people.

-[cheers and applause]
-Oh...

[all cheering]

Time to burn some merch.

That's the cool way of saying
"merchandise."

Wait. Are you gonna burn that?

Of course.
If you're protesting, you burn stuff.

Draft cards, bras, Los Angeles.

How much do those things cost?

250 bucks.

Good thing Trump's gonna
make us all rich, right?

[dramatic music]

[cheers and applause]

Mr. Fucillo.

Ah, call me Paulie.

Or Zippy. I'm trying to get that going.

Hmm.

I feel bad that I never have the stuff
that you want at the store.

So...

got you these.

Bangladeshi cigarettes.

No health warning.

-Oh.
-Help yourself.

-Hmm.
-[lighter clicks]

[Kimmy] Hmm.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, you can really taste the...
[in Bengali] "Stray dogs."

Do you mind if I come in?
I think you could help me with something.

Oh. Of course.

-Here.
-[hand patting]

What do you see here, Kimmy?

It's a...

It's a bathroom.

And here?

And here?

And here?

And here?

[shrieks]

-And here? And here?
-Why are you making me look at this?

Because that's the same beautiful bathroom

after some psycho was done with it,

and every day at 4:00 p.m.,

I have to clean up the mess.

Someone's got a key, Kimmy.

So just change the lock.

Then this will all be over!

And let the son of a bitch
get away with it?

Nah.

Whoever did this... is goin' on the wall.

Here.

Kimmy, you're a good kid.

I don't even pick the cashews
out of nut mixes.

You just made a mistake.

But don't let this sick bastard do to you

what he did to Sharon.

That's her name.

[voice breaks] My bathroom.

Sharon.

It wasn't my idea.

-It was--
-[Titus] Hey!

What's going on here?

Who said you could talk to my Kimmy?

This is my work number.

I always answer it

because I'm entered into a lot of raffles
for free boat rides.

Uh-uh, girl.

You don't talk to anyone from now on.

You just get some rest.

Titus is gonna take care of everything.

I don't know what you think you know,

but you don't even know my name,

and if my name isn't

Titus Andromedon-- Damn it!

I'm gonna go now.

Catch you later...

Titus.

[crowd murmuring]

Wait.

You're the mistress from the music video.

Told you bitches I so famous.

[Jacqueline] Why are you all here?

-Is the meeting over?
-[woman] Almost.

We just got group SMS.

"Wrapping up early.

Wash it and be downstairs in five."

Five minutes?

I'll never make it up there in time.

[sighs]

[cell phone rings]

Kimmy's phone.

If you're a cop, you have to tell me.

Cork? I mean, Flouncy.

I need you to sing
The Star-Spangled Banner

right now and really milk it.

Is this a dream?
Are there people in the room?

I don't care! God bless America!

If there are no objections,
this concludes--

[Titus] ♪ Oh... ♪

[Titus vocalizing]

♪ Say... ♪

♪ Can you see ♪

♪ By the dawn's ♪

♪ Early light ♪

♪ What so proudly ♪

♪ We hailed ♪

♪ At the twilight's last gleaming ♪

♪ Whose broad stripes... ♪

[Bev] We don't have a flag.

[Titus] ♪ And bright stars ♪

♪ Through the perilous fight ♪

♪ O'er the ramparts we watched ♪

♪ Were so gallantly... ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ Live streaming ♪

♪ And the rockets' red glare ♪

♪ The bombs bursting in air ♪

[mellow elevator music playing]

[Titus] ♪ Was still ♪

♪ There ♪

♪ Oh, say does ♪

♪ That star-spangled banner ♪

♪ Yet wave... ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ O'er the land ♪

-[Jacqueline panting]
-♪ Of the free ♪

♪ And the ♪

♪ Home ♪

♪ Of the... ♪

[vocalizing]

[humming]

Mmm.

♪ Brave... ♪

-What's the single--
-♪ The home ♪

♪ Of the brave ♪

Okay, what's the--

[Titus] ♪ Courageous and brave ♪

[Titus trilling]

♪ Brave ♪

Oh!

[cell phone clatters]

[Jacqueline] Okay.

What's the single most important thing
to everyone in this room?

Doing my best.

No. Money.

And I've got the keys
to the treasure chest.

[dramatic music]

[Titus] Go ahead, Kimmy, do it.

Come any closer, you'll never poop again.

That's the dream.

-[laughing]
-[water splashes]

Girl, you think that's the only key?

I got keys in different area trees.

-That's Ludacris!
-Is it?

-[gasps]
-This is over when I say it's over.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna perform a victorious scarf flip

and be on my way.

I left my scarf in the bathroom.

You did what?

At least I remembered
to put my pants and shirt back on.

If Paulie finds that scarf, he has proof.

He'll put us on the wall!

Okay... he cleans the bathroom
every day at 4:00.

We've got 20 minutes.

That's not enough time.

I hear the bathrooms in Canada
are real nice.

No! I'm a good person.

I don't belong
on the wall with scumbags

like Meth-Head Charlie and Pizza Rat.

You owe me!

One last score.

Why did Colin Kaepernick

have the number-one-selling jersey
last year?

It's because he made people mad,

and nothing motivates Americans
like outrage.

Just look at the election.

-The emails.
-No stamina.

Her hair!

Well, downstairs,
a group of very angry Native Americans

are burning Redskins jerseys

at $250 a pop.

So? It's just more money for me.

[Jacqueline] Exactly.

You're making money
off of people that hate you.

It's like if I made money off brunettes.

And think about it.

When a fan buys a jersey,

they keep it for life,

but when a protester buys a jersey,

they burn it
and buy another one next week.

Hang on. Are you trying to get me
to change the name or not?

It's just, Native Americans
are such a tiny minority.

So what if you offended
a much bigger group?

America is angry...

about everything.

Immigration, public breastfeeding,

shooting gorillas!

You tap into that, and just think
of the money you can make.

All of you.

Like, if we became
the Jacksonville Hillaries,

half the country
would buy the jerseys to burn them

and the other half of the country
would buy 'em because--

I don't know. They loved Benghazi.

The Kansas City Islams.

The Houston WNBAs.

The Dallas Piano Lessons!

The Tennessee Bath-Lovers!

What? Just me?

You wanna sit in your own filth water?

I'd buy that jersey
just to support bath-taking.

How am I supposed to smoke in the shower?

If you think I'm gonna throw away
decades of tradition

as if it were just-- just one of my sons--

The Washington Gun-Takers.

Oh, nobody takes my guns!

Why, I'd buy a jersey
just to shoot it full of holes!

[laughs]

[Orson] Ooh!

You're a genius!

And you and Duke

are two of the worst people
I have ever met,

and I once rode a ski lift
with the Property Brothers.

[uplifting music]

-[hooting]
-[Jacqueline] Thank you.

Property Brothers!

[hooting]

[Paulie] Hey...

Good to see you, Kimmy.

I sure hope you came here
to step up and do the right thing.

I don't know what you mean, Zippy.

I just need a box of...

Pubic Chigger Bombs.

[Paulie] That's too bad,

'cause if you think

I'm gonna turn around

so you can sneak your friend in here,

you got another thing coming.

Because I've been practicing.

[clattering continues]

[Paulie] Any-- Chigger--

Ah.

Ha-ha.

Your Chigger Bomb, madam.

Anything else?

[phone ringing]

You gonna answer that?

Damn it.

-All right, where the hell is it?
-[ringing continues]

Just turn around.
Maybe you won a boat ride.

Don't you think I know
what's at stake here?

[ringing continues]

Okay.

[Paulie] Hello?

Hello? BoatScam.com?

[Mikey] Titus?

Oh, my God.

Hey. It's Mikey Politano.

Remember?

We almost died
trying to fit into your shower.

Yes, Mikey. Hi.

Sorry, I'm just-- What are the chances?

I don't know.

I work right around the corner
from your apartment.

When I eat lunch on a beam,
I can see your roof.

You know it's got a rudder on it?

-So how are you?
-[Mikey] Good.

I been, uh, getting out there,
like you told me to.

Seeing the big, beautiful gay world.

I went to Fire Island, and it was wild.

I touched a deer.

Mm-hmm.

And how is Jumpf?

Oh, Jeff. That didn't work out.

-Oh.
-But I've been, you know, dating.

Me too, obviously. Can't cage a bird.

But then I met this Wall Street guy.

His name's Andrew.

We're actually headed upstate
for the weekend.

We're going to Storm King!

I'm just picking up snacks
and Gonzo Noses.

How wonderful.

Next thing you know, you'll be like me.

Having romantic weekends
every day of the week,

eating cheese for dessert on purpose,

shopping local, thinking global.

[laughs] Japan, for example.

Generally, just living my best life.

-[door slams]
-[Paulie] Ha, I knew it!

You stole my bathroom key
so you could poop here for free!

I tried to stall,

but now we're gonna be banned
from this gas station for life!

Banned.

Banned!

Now get out of here
while I clean up your mess.

Oh, damn it, Titus!

It's like someone flipped over

a Roy Rogers fixings bar in here!

[Paulie gagging]

Well, I'm also seeing someone.

His name is Reuben,

and he's as hot as the sandwich
he's named after.

Yeah.

After the last date, you were like,

"Sproi-oi-oing!"

Titus is doing great.

His scurvy's gone.

He didn't eat Dionne Warwick.

Our neighbor got HBO
and we can hear it through the wall.

-Stop helping.
-[Mikey] Okay.

Cool.

Glad you're doing good.

So I'll see you around.

He might not come back, Kimmy.

I've just been waiting for him,

but he might not come back.

Maybe I should give Sandwich
a real chance.

I mean, Reuben.

[clattering]

What the hell
are you still doing here?

Get a life, why don't ya?

You're right. I will.

[chuckles mockingly] Banned!

Now on the clock,
the Washington Gun-Takers

with the 20th pick of the NFL draft.

Up next, the Seattle Raisins
That You Think Are Chocolate Chips.

Ugh, I hate them. They're liars.

Jackie Lynn,

I haven't been this proud of you

since that misprint in the paper
said that you were

a National Merit Finalist.

Boyogas!

Well, that's new.

I guess they killed another Eli Manning.

-[all laughing]
-[Eli clone] Boyogas?

[laughter continues]

-Good night, everybody!
-Good night!