Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Kimmy Goes on a Playdate! - full transcript

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This is a year-round Christmas store?

You must be the happiest woman on Earth!

I'm a man.

That's great.

Anyway, I saw this...

at the sign store,

and I bought it to
prove how serious I am

about working here.

Yeah, we're not really
hiring. It's just...

I've got a bomb!

And now that I've got your attention,



here's my résumé.

This says you were a
babysitter from 1997 to 1998,

then there's a 15-year gap...

Look, I know I'm not perfect,

but let me tell you about
another imperfect employee.

His name was Rudolph,

and he was a joke.

Some say his mother made
it with a doorbell light,

but when he was given a chance,

Rudolph went down in history,

and that reindeer's name was Rudolph.

All I'm asking for is a chance
to get my life back on track.

Last week, I threw
myself at a married man.

I'm like a lollipop with a
question mark on its wrapper.



I don't know what's going on inside.

But if anything can remind me

of what's good and right in the world,

it's this place.

They say there's a war on Christmas.

Well, sir, put me on the front line,

'cause if any Grinches or Scrooges

dare come over that hill,

I'll make them wish
they'd never been born!

[humming "O Tannenbaum"]

Oh, no.

Those Santas must be
coming from a funeral.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Santas.

[sighs]

[tires squealing]

[crash]

Jeepers!

Why is your phone going
straight to voice mail?

Jacqueline, hi! Huh?

So not all toxic mold is black,
but all black mold is toxic...

What are you doing here?

I need a place to stay.

I just found out my ex-husband
sold the town house.

He's in escrow.

Ugh. He's such an escrow.

I had to clean out my closets

and get the jewelry from the safe.

Of course you can stay here,

but wouldn't you rather
be in a fancy hotel?

When I did the Today show,
they put me in a hotel

where the hallways had
trays of free floor food.

No, I can't afford that right now.

But you have 12 million...

You shut your wet mouth!

Don't ever let anyone know how
little I got in the divorce.

Now get me inside...

before someone helicopters over
this neighborhood and sees me.

[acoustic guitar strumming]

[helicopter rotors whirring]

Flores!

Flores para los muertos!

Are they buying it?

[helicopter rotors whirring]

♪ ♪

Mrs. Voorhees...

Oh, wait. You're divorced.

What do I call you now?

Mrs. Voor-hers?

Ms. White.

That's my Sioux family name.

It was given to us in the 1920s
by a sarcastic census taker.

Okay, Ms. White,

what are you doing back in New York?

Kimmy, I need your help.

Help?

That's what we elves are born to do.

Oh, you are dressed like an elf.

I just assumed it was the trucker pills.

So what's the hardest thing in the world

for a trophy wife to do?

Lose the jerk but keep the perks.

Trademark me.

Julian's the jerk, and
the perks are everything

I worked him so hard to achieve.

And I'm gonna get it all back.

[dramatic music]

[upbeat music]

Resync by CookiesMonsta

[Bankston] ♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

That's gonna be, uh...

you know, a fascinating transition.

[singers] ♪ Damn it ♪

The first thing we have to do
is let the city know I'm back.

I'll get my jumbo sidewalk chalk.

Luckily, the gatekeepers of
New York society are all moms

at St. Clotilde's School for Fancy Boys,

where Buckley is kept.

[jazzy music]

They're thin, they're rich,

and I'm their natural enemy...

A gorgeous divorcée

with the pelvic floor
of a 12-year-old boy.

[Kimmy] Gross.

[Jacqueline] But if I can
win over their queen,

the others will follow.

Reg is dragging me to the prewar
auction at J.O. Brothers tonight,

and I am not doing that sober,

so who's up for margaritas

after Pilates Stella McCartney
vegan ankle boot bánh mì detox?

[all laughing]

Deirdre Robespierre.

Owen R.'s mom?

He's so cool!

I have custody of Buckley this week.

You go to after-school pickup

and let the other nannies know I'm back.

If anyone asks where I've been,

just say the Côte d'Azur.

[garbled words]

Right, I forgot.

Say I've been in Europe...

Traveling and trying to figure out

how to spend my half of $3 billion.

Got it?

Okay, now I'm meeting a
broker to look at apartments.

You know what to do...

- [crashing]
- [screams]

[Titus] Heavenly Father!

Titus, what happened?

Much like Icarus,

a friend of mine who once put
too much stuff in his closet,

I put too much stuff in my closet.

[Kimmy] Oh, my gosh.

[sobs]

Oh, Jacqueline's gonna be
staying with us for a few days.

You two have met before, right?

Doorman at Barney's.

We buried a robot together.

[scoffs]

I can't believe "clo-zay" is gone.

Well, do you really
need all these clothes?

I mean, when's the last time you wore...

red suspender shorts

or puffy white gloves?

[Titus] Yes.

Mickey-Mousing hasn't been
a thing in the community

for quite some time.

So why don't you get rid
of some of this stuff?

Because each one of these
pieces is a little piece of me.

Especially this pleather vest

that melted onto me after
I fell asleep at a beach.

Then give it to Goodwill.

When I was a kid, that's where
I got my cool nurse shoes,

and I was all, "Hi, I'm a nurse.

After our shift, let's go
to the bar at the Ramada."

The world would be a better place

if everyone dressed more like me.

Speaking of which, is
that my elf costume?

Oh, no, I left mine in that river.

[quirky music]

♪ ♪

There's my ID.

[sighs]

What the hell are you doing here?

Being in a stupid-face contest
and coming in second.

Well, I'm here cleaning my room out
to take stuff back to Connecticut.

Connecticut!

Do you know what my life is
like now because of you?

I'm on a field hockey team.

I scored twice against Country Day,

and it's all your fault!

Are you seriously still mad at me?

I did it for your own good, Xan.

Someday you'll thank me.

Yeah, when pigs fly.

Oh, my God.

I sound so lame now!

And stupid.

Pigs fly all the time, Xan,

or did you think prize pigs

walk to international pig competitions?

[groans]

[huffs]

[mimics gunshot]

♪ ♪

- This is not gonna be easy.
- I get it.

After all these years, I
still haven't thrown away

my late husband's clothes...

and not just 'cause I dress up in them

to cash his disability checks.

I suppose I could part with this.

It's irrelevant now that Drew
Carey's the host of the show.

Yeah.

And my bunion outgrew these

limited-edition Air Jordache thigh-tops.

Oh, and these shants.

Oh, shorts that are as long as pants.

Bye, shants.

Good for you, Titus.

Good for mankind, Lillian.

Imagine a world where everyone shares

my sense of fabulousness.

There'd be no more war,

no more famine,

no more stupid polo shirts

where the horse is,
like, the whole shirt!

Oh, yay!

Go, Titus!

[bell ringing]

♪ ♪

Hey, guys.

Remember me?

I brought in those nut brownies
that almost killed a couple kids?

Cool, cool.

Owen R.

You must be Owen's nanny. Whatevs.

I love you.

Oh, you're Kimmy,

Buckley's nanny.

You smell like summer.

It's actually pre-fall,
but you're sweet.

So where has Jacqueline
been? We miss her.

Traveling in Yerp.

Euur-up.

Well, please tell her I
would love to see her

whenever she has time.

She would like that.

Oh, any chance she could
do a playdate today?

Owen has blimping until 3:00.

Would 3:30 work?

Um...

checking...

calendar.

Let me see.

Aww...

Hmm.

Yes?

Oh, then it's a date.

[phone beeps]

Buckley playdate, 3:30.

- [phone beeps]
- Owen playdate, 3:30.

[Siri] I found the following on the
web for "urine playmate, teen dirty."

Siri, no!

[laughs]

♪ ♪

Now they filled in the sinkhole.

Where am I supposed to number two

when I have a gentleman caller?

♪ ♪

Pardon me, do you have
any more mannequins?

My pieces will warrant a window display.

Mannequins? No, we don't have...

Hey!

Sicko!

Beat it!

You got donations, just
throw 'em on the pile.

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

All the better.

My clothes will be plucked
from this hellhole

like so many little orphans Annie.

Exactly.

Your clothes are special, like Annie.

The rest of this stuff, it's ugly.

No one wants it,

like the other orphans,

who eventually aged out of the system.

[light instrumental music]

♪ ♪

[sighs]

I'm so proud.

♪ ♪

Well, my apartment search
has been a disaster.

Everything is either too
expensive or just horrible.

Look at this view.

If I can see New Jersey,
that means it can see me.

Okay, so at pickup, I talked
to Mrs. Robespierre...

What? She was there?

Her style... how effortless was it

on a scale from none to zero?

Look, after school, I dropped
Buckley off at Little League,

even though he didn't
have any equipment...

Because he's an owner.

He just watches the games
from his luxury tree.

Okay, but later today, he has a playdate

with Owen and Owen's mom.

[laughing] Oh, Kimmy!

I could just kiss you!

But we shouldn't, right?

Because...

I should go get dressed.

Maybe I've been overthinking this.

I mean, I haven't been gone that long,

and I am the best to be around.

Listen to this laugh.

[laughing heartily]

More rosé?

[laughing]

I am fun,

and I absolutely underestimated Deirdre.

What a sweetheart!

She's so nice.

She remembered my name,

and she said since
you've been traveling,

she'll come to you.

And where exactly

do you expect her to go?

Perhaps we should meet

at the apartment that I don't have?

Or did you expect her to come here?

To this?

I call it Kimmy's
Klubhouse, with two "K" s.

That's why Deirdre wanted
to have a playdate,

to see how I'm living now.

Can't you just say we'll
meet in the park?

She'll see right through that.

People don't go to the park

when they have their own
backyards and terraces.

Unless you have something
even better planned.

Like visiting a place where
it's Christmas all year

and you have to guess
whether it's a man?

It has to be something
that requires access,

connections, special treatment.

I went to a playdate once

where the kids got to
run the Greek economy.

We can beat that.

What are nine-year-old boys into?

Koosh balls. Pokémon.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Yes, the Mutant Ninja Turtles.
I can work with that.

Really? That one's still a thing?

- Why?
- Focus up, Kimmy.

I need you to run back
to the town house...

Just practicing.

I knew there was more plan.

What's up?

♪ Heroes in a half shell ♪

♪ Turtle power ♪

Whoever wrote that song
deserves to be a billionaire!

[quirky music]

Oh.

♪ ♪

What are you still doing here?

Are you crying?

No, this is the cool way
to do your makeup now.

I know.

I subscribe to Teen Beat.

[sighs] You're insane.

♪ ♪

Look, I know change is hard...

Do you?

This house has been the
only constant in my life.

Every year, it's like,
"Here's your new mom,

your new school,

your new nose"...

What? No. Shut up!

I actually had to leave my home
when I was about your age.

Yeah?

Well, I bet you hate the
person who made you do it.

Guess what, Kimmy.

For me,

that person's you.

♪ ♪

But that makes me the Reverend.

I'm not the Reverend.

♪ ♪

Oh, Kimmy.

Wonderful.

[whispering] Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, Kimmy,

I also need you to call my hotel.

My suite is so big, I keep getting lost.

Have them send up a guide monkey.

Does Deirdre look impressed?

Damn it, don't look.

- Does she?
- I'm a good person, right?

- Who cares?
- I know I'm not perfect.

I sometimes look at magazine
covers without paying for them,

and I've made some kissing mistakes...

Hey.

Making out with John Mayer is
just part of living in New York.

But I also help you all the time,

and I don't step on cracks,

even though I haven't
seen my mother in years,

and sending Xan to Connecticut
was for her own good.

It doesn't make me the Reverend.

I think it's time for
some Mutant Ninja Turtles

to go an adventure!

These costumes are just wonderful.

The tortoise shells were collected

by Buckley's grandfather during a
hunting trip to the Galápagos.

Oh.

We need to get through this, Schmidt.

You're not the Reverend, okay?

Now get these kids underground,
and don't let the police see you.

All right, Turtles!

Let's go to your secret
hideout in the sewer!

[together] Yeah!

[both laugh]

Okay, come on.

- Be safe.
- Bye.

She should not be able to do that.

[grunts]

[car horn blaring]

[Buckley] Look, a rat!

- Is it Master Splinter?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah!

There's hundreds of them.

Ugh.

So how's the apartment hunt?

[scoffs]

Everything's too affordable.

I really like that new
building that Rem Koolhaas

and Michael Stipe designed.

The Rem Koolhaas R.E.M. Cool House?

[gasps]

Hmm?

[laughs]

Oh, a Birkin bag.

It's the one that's made entirely

out of famous Internet cats.

Oh, no, no, I know.

It's just, those came out last year.

This is exactly why I
love you, Jacqueline.

You don't care what anybody thinks.

[laughing] Oh, Deirdre.

I never can tell if
you're trying to help me

or destroy me!

[both laugh]

I honestly don't know!

[laughs]

I have a degree in political
science from Princeton,

and all that wasted mental
energy has to go somewhere.

[both laughing]

[slow jazz music]

♪ ♪

I'll be in intimates.

♪ ♪

Is this some sort of joke?

Is this sticker a phone
call from Crank Yankers?

Is it?

♪ ♪

The culottes can also be used
as pants for stuffed animals.

♪ ♪

Hey, Titus,

you got a D battery on you?

I want to whip a Philadelphia
snowball at those hipsters.

Millennials.

They'll appreciate me.

Millennia, this is perfect.

For our sketch show about ladies
who work at Jennifer Convertibles!

Unacceptable!

You people don't know the meaning

of the word "sensuali-Titus-travaganza!"

That's it!

♪ ♪

Donation canceled!

Pearls before swine!

I should have known better.

You people don't deserve Titus!

♪ ♪

And I was wearing this when I came in.

♪ ♪

Hey!

Buddy, get out of here!

♪ ♪

This is why I never open
myself up to the world.

I just get rejected like
a crinkly dollar bill

in a vending machine!

Titus, no.

You're very smooth.

You're like a pudding man.

Good-bye, cruel world!

♪ ♪

I wish Bruce Willis had let
that asteroid hit you!

Hashtag spoiler alert!

♪ ♪

[both laughing]

We killed Bebop the pig man
and ate so much pizza!

[both laugh]

Well, this was so much fun.

I would say, "See you
tonight," but lucky for you,

you don't have a husband.

I just mean you don't have
a husband who drags you

to auctions every other night.

You know Reg and his art.

He and his sister have the
world's largest collection

of Greek incest pottery.

Well, let me come with you.
I'll keep you company.

Oh, that's so sweet,

but it's just no fun when you can't bid.

I'm not sure I know what you mean.

Darling, can I tell you something?

As a friend?

I don't know. Can you?

I'm honestly not sure.

I have a 150 IQ, but I spent all morning

picking out dog stationery.

Maybe I'm just tormenting
you just to feel alive,

but also there is a chance
this is real empathy.

We may never know! [laughs]

Okay, friend, what is it?

Some hateful rumor about my divorce?

Oh, you are not as dumb as
I say people say you are.

Look,

I hate to dignify this,

but there is a rumor

that you only got $12
million from Julian.

Wow.

That is absurd.

I've never had 12 of anything.

$12 million. [scoffs]

I mean, would a dozenaire
have a chauffeured Bentley?

I don't think so.

[laughs]

Get in the car, kids.
Let's get in the car.

[opera music playing]

See you tonight, sweetie.

[laughs]

[woman singing opera]

Excuse me.

♪ ♪

Stay down.

Get to that bus.

What's a bus?

I can't keep this up.

♪ ♪

[piano music]

Titus! [laughs]

Titus, you'll never believe it!

Go away, Lillian.

I've decided to live
as a bed from now on.

But your clothes are gone!

Somebody took 'em!

- They did?
- Yeah!

Oh, that's... Wait a minute.

Oh, Titus,

you are not on Crank Yankers.

It's not a show anymore,

and they would call you.

[upbeat instrumental music]

I just wish we could have
met the chic sophisticate

that was rummaging through a Dumpster

on a hot weekday afternoon.

I'm just happy there's
another Titus out there.

It's too bad we'll never know who he is.

He could have been my stunt
double if I were ever

to get cast in a movie
that involves stairs.

Well, I'll see you back at the house.

I found some unshredded mail in there,

so I'm gonna go open up a Kohl's card.

♪ ♪

One of my Mickey-Mousing gloves.

Other Titus must have dropped it.

♪ ♪

Teddy von Bearington's
pants and/or my culottes.

♪ ♪

My shants!

Can I help you, pal?

So sorry.

It's just that I threw
away some clothes earlier,

and then I Hansel-and-Gretel'd myself

to your backless... car... thingy.

Hang on.

I know you.

I don't think so.

I am an enigma.

No, dude, you're the...

You're the first guy I ever hit on.

I'm Mikey?

I came out to you.

Of course.

I remember your wrists.

Titus Andromedon.

You may know me from my
attendance at such films

as Must Love Dogs

and the first 20 minutes
of Interstellar.

Anyway, you dropped these.

Sorry.

I'm not exactly out out
at work, you know?

I got to put up a front.

Go to the strip club with the guys,

airbrush a hot chick on
the back of my truck.

Oh...

I get it.

Putting yourself out there is scary.

Right?

And with the gay stuff, I
don't know where to start.

Sometimes I snazz things
up at work, like...

Like with this shirt,

but then the guys start
razzing me, like,

"How's it going, Mr. Shirt?"

That kind of thing.

But when I saw your clothes
in the Dumpster, I just...

Just thought they were real beautiful.

[gasps]

Thank you.

That's...

Thank you.

Well, goodbye forever.

Titus, wait.

Don't you think it's... I don't know...

A sign,

running into each other like this?

Do we believe in signs, us homos?

I can say that, right?

It's America. You can
say anything except...

[jackhammer blaring]

Jezebel.

Right, well, look,

you already rejected me once,

but you remind me of Carlos
Delgado from the Mets,

and that's just hot,

and, uh, whatever.

You miss 100% of the
shots you don't take.

- Right?
- Mathematically, no.

But I do know what you're saying.

Okay.

So...

[chuckles]

You want to go out sometime?

Oh. [laughs]

♪ ♪

Yeah!

♪ ♪

[Jacqueline] This isn't gonna work.

I can't do it,

and I'm not a quitter, Kimmy.

I watched Interstellar
all the way to the end.

You can't keep doing this?

Yes, me.

Is there anyone else here?

I try to be a good person,

but I don't feel good at all,

and it's not just the sewer pizza.

Xan hates me,

Owen got a rat bite,

and all you're doing is lying...

About how much money you have,

where you live, what
monkeys do at hotels.

And how come?

So you can go back to
your dumb life you hated?

What's the point?

I don't know about Xan.

Did you see her? Did she
get fat in Connecticut?

But you're helping me do something
really important and good.

'Splain it.

I came back to New York
to help my family.

By turning into a Deirdre and
making me fight a gutter pig?

The Dutch bought Manhattan
for $24 worth of beads.

Today it's worth a trillion,

and I plan to make up the difference.

But who even has that much beads?

Maybe Michael's Arts & Crafts.

Ask for Jan!

Every year, men like Deirdre's husband

donate billions to charity.

They support art museums,
wiener disease research,

super PACs that drive poor people
to the circus on election day.

And you get free peanuts.

You know who Robin Hood is?

Uh, yeah.

That Disney movie where
Robin Hood's a fox?

When you were little, did
you think he was handsome?

And then, like, your
crotch gets a headache?

Are you kidding?

That voice

and how he didn't wear pants?

[moans softly]

Well, I'm trying to be Robin Hood.

Take from the rich and give to the poor.

If I can get back into Deirdre's world,

I can start a charity that
will make up for 400 years

of Dutch oppression,

but I won't get a penny
unless I'm taken seriously,

and if I fail, I can't go back home.

[sighs]

You know, in the bunker,
when a new girl showed up,

there was one way she could
get instant respect.

Go up to the toughest-looking girl there

and punch her in the face.

What does the Reverend even see in her?

It's like, talk American, right?

[both laugh]

[thud] [grunts]

[in Spanish] Now you're all my bitches!

Mm!

[thud]

Who the heck are you?

I'm Gretchen. I just
got here. [chuckles]

[Kimmy] After that,

no one messes with you.

I don't know what the rich blonde
lady version of a bunker punch is...

I do.

Kimmy, I need you to go
back to the town house

and get Julian's father's
slave auction paddle.

Father? That's not long enough ago.

And, look, I know I've been making
you run back and forth all day,

but I can't go back to that house.

Too many terrible memories.

That's it!

That's how I help Xan!

Did you hear? She got
fat in Connecticut.

[solemn instrumental music]

♪ ♪

You must have a lot of great
memories in this house.

I don't get it.

I was putting Windex in
your food, like, every day.

I bet each room in this
house is special to you.

Obviously this one is.

It's funny,

'cause this is also where
your tutor Charles and I

would tongue out in secret.

Wait. What?

Oh, yeah.

We'd be all...

[smooching and moaning]

Oh, yeah! Gimme!

[grunts]

[squealing] Oh, yeah!

[squeaking]

Wh... Why are you doing that?

Ew! [groans]

You must have a lot of
great memories in here.

Breakfast on Christmas morning,

hanging out with your friends,

to say nothing of lunch!

I did a lot of stuff here, too.

For example...

playing "Sexy Cat Burglar
Avoiding Lasers."

♪ ♪

Rapping my cool Kimmy raps.

♪ Xan's got a plan ♪

♪ With her friend Jan
in the tan van, man ♪

♪ Aww, beatbox ♪

[scatting]

And look,

a world of infinite Kimmys.

Please stop!

♪ ♪

Any good memories out here?

No.

Cool,

'cause this is where I threw up
baked beans and sewer pizza.

You what? When?

Right now!

[retches]

Damn it, Kimmy,

that's where I had my first kiss.

You're like an HGTV renovation team.

You come into someone's home and
ruin it with your stupidity.

You ruined the house I grew up in.

I bet that makes it easier to leave.

Do you think you're helping me?

You're heading for the door.

♪ ♪

You're so weird.

In bed!

♪ ♪

[man] Going once, going twice...

What are you doing?

Using my $12 million to punch Deirdre

in her white mouth.

Sold to the lady in the front
row for $11 1/2 million.

[crowd gasps]

I'm so sorry.

I didn't recognize you, Mrs. Voorhee...

I mean Ms. White.

[crowd laughs]

[applause]

♪ ♪

She must have taken Julian
for all he's worth,

and now she's returned in full,

like Alcibiades to Athens,

and I have become her Eupolis.

Oh, I picked up Mookie's stationery.

[applause]

[upbeat jazz music]

♪ ♪

- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!