Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Kimmy Goes Roller Skating! - full transcript

Titus's ex-wife sues him for spousal support. Kimmy still has feelings for Dong. Jacqueline's Sioux family gets fed up with her.

♪ Oh, the weather outside is frightful ♪

Merry Christmas.

I made everyone stockings.



Yours truly.


And Murasaki.

Murasaki doesn't do Christmas.

Gosh, I love Christmas:

the music, untangling things,

putting lights outdoors
and trees indoors.

Say what?

And we're all together
with so much to celebrate:

special friendships and new adventures

and giving a final "Later, gator"

to the problems of yester...

Yester... urp.

You heard me.

Honey, you should see a doctor.

It's like a mouse died in
the walls of your body.

Ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas to all of youse!



Oh, I can't kiss you. I'm married.

The Jews took my painting.

Now it's a party.

Ho, ho, ho. You ho.


I'm gonna kill you.


Three months earlier on this mess...

I've been wanting to
bring you to this place

ever since I saw it was called Sliderz.

I apologize, though.

There aren't actually
any slides in here.

But look at these tiny hamburgers.

They make you feel like a giant.

I'm gonna eat you up in one bite.

"Please, no, I have a family."

This is so fun, Kimmy.

I'm so glad I ran away from
my green card marriage

to go on dates with you.

I'm a vegan.

Wait, what did you say?

I said, "I'm a vegan."

I thought you knew that when we
met at that animal rights 5K.

Oh, I thought that was so
animals could marry each other.

Well, I think this date is going...

Hated it.

Oh, it's hard because

you're still hung up on your ex.

I get it.

I still think about
my first love, Bobby.

We went to summer camp
together on Roosevelt Island.

Little Bobby Durst.

He was my first crush.

Literally, he tried to crush me.

It's just, I waited 15
years to get my life back,

and then I got a job, I got a boyfriend,

but then the world was like, "Psych!"

I know, dear, you want it all right now:

the career, the husband,

the teardrop tattoo.

But hey, have a little
fun for five minutes.

Hey, let me take you out.

Ooh, I'm a great wingman.

Men find me very approachable

because my eyes are large

and my hair is like beautiful spaghetti.

I get 'em on the hook.

Then we'll slip 'em a disco biscuit

and pull a switcheroo.

Get 'NSYNC, Kimberlake. I
got to go get divorced.

Oh, we're gonna paint
the town red tonight.

Ooh, two questions.

Do you like Spanish guys,
and can you roller-skate?

Yes, but only frontways.

And probably.

Oh, wait, I said that backwards.

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

That's gonna be, uh...

you know, a fascinating transition.

♪ Damn it ♪

Hey, your house is that way, dummy.

Oh, my God, thank you.

I've been standing here for hours.

Watch out. I pooped over there.

So, according to the license
presented by Mrs. Wilkerson,

you two were married on June 6, 1998.


And do you, Ronald Ephen Wilkerson,

take this woman to be your
lawfully wedded wife?


And Mrs. Wilkerson claims
that you abandoned her

on June 6, 1998.

Wait a minute.

That's the same day.

Is it? I wouldn't know.

You left before we even
did our first dance.

And you know our
choreography was on point.

Mm, you dropped me every time.

I thought at least you ran
away to be with a man.

But here you are,

taking advantage of
some other goofy girl

dressed like she's on Scooby damn Doo.

Thank you.

I can't believe you, Ronald.

Do not call me Ronald.


You think you can walk
away from your problems?

Well, I found you,

and I'm gonna sue you for 17
years' worth of spousal support,

$400 for the wedding itself,

and I want my bridal jacket back.

I'm gonna take everything
you got, Ronald Wilkerson.

Really, Titus?

You're just gonna run
away from her again?

I hear Montreal has a
vibrant theater scene,

so au revoir, les Felicieuses.

Maybe just go talk to Vonda.

You haven't spoken to her at
all, and you guys were married.

Kim, you don't understand.

Mississippi was my bunker.

I start work Monday at Vonda's
uncle's mulch business.

What's that you said?

I said I start work Monday at
Vonda's uncle's mulch business.

What now?

I start work Monday... at
Vonda's uncle's mulch business.

What, dear?

I said I'm a homosexual
having a panic attack.

Oh, isn't that wonderful?

And now,

please welcome to the dance floor

as they begin this second and
final part of their lives,

Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Wilkerson!

Aren't you Ronald Wilkerson?

Who me? No, sir.


Titus Andromedon.

Ronald Wilkerson, show your face.

It took all the courage I had to escape.

Titus saved me from a
life of babies and mulch.

Now Vonda's gonna take away this
beautiful world I built for my...

Damn silverfish.

What if I go talk to Vonda?

Maybe I could get through to her,

woman to woman.


I'll take her out for ice cream.

You can't be mad with
a cone in your paw.

Okay, but just in case, I'm
gonna keep on packing,

at least until my blood sugar drops.

There it is.

We are here today to
celebrate one of our own,

Anthony Black Elk,

who's going away to Dartmouth
College in a few days.


Don't become some d-bag lacrosse player.

Honey, we invented lacrosse.

I don't think that's right.

Anthony, this sacred pipe,

the chanunpa,

was carved nine generations ago.

It survived Wounded Knee,

and we used it to pray for
our brothers in Vietnam.

And today we will ask
the Great Spirit...

What the holy hell is this?

It's a tobacco vape, Dad.

Katherine Heigl uses one.

Smoking kills, you guys.

Where is that pipe, Jackie Lynn?

I held it in the air,
and a hawk took it.

Jackie Lynn...

Oh, fine, it's in the hall
closet behind the board games.


Who is that?

Jackie Lynn, just use
your contact lenses.

You need the prescription.

No, Mom.

They turn my eyes blue.

And that's me giving
in to white culture,

with their drone wars
and lip-sync battles.

Well, then order plain ones.

Yesterday I saw you try
to milk a male buffalo.

Whatever, Mom.

It worked. I put it in the fridge.

And when are you gonna give back
that police car you showed up in?

There's a raccoon living in it.

Oh, he's not living in it.

He got stuck in the back
because of the prisoner locks

and he died of heatstroke.

I know you mean well,

but just stop trying to help.

But I want to help.

All I want is to be the daughter

I should have been this whole time.

Just tell me what I can do,
and I won't let you down.

I promise.

Well, you could go
far, far in the fields

and do the harvest super
special important dance.

That sounds important.

I'll teach it to you.

Thank you.

Thank you.


Oh, Jesus.

Look, the reason I called

is 'cause Titus... Dang!

Lick it.

What's your deal?

You're like a cartoon person.

Honestly, I don't even really
want money from Ronald.

I just want him to apologize.

This might make me seem
like a fool, Kimmy,

but we loved each other.

I know we did.

I mean, I knew he liked men.

With Tim Meadows...

But he knew I liked skinny white boys.

David Spade.

Musical guest: Hootie & the Blowfish.

Neither of us could live our
truth in Chickasaw County.

So I thought, "We gonna
live our lie together."

But that night, our wedding night,

when they realized Ronald ran away,

every one of his five
aunties that raised him

had a heart attack.

And he left me on that
dance floor, alone,

with no choice but to
Robocop my way to the car.

That's terrible.

Ronald Wilkerson would have
never done that to me.

That was your friend Titus.

I don't even recognize that man.

For what it's worth, he did get
cheek implants that slipped.

You're the new me.

Look at you right now,
trying to clean up his mess.

But once there's nothing else
that Titus can get from you,

he will leave you with
an unpaid dental bill

and a refrigerator full of
spoiled wedding shrimp.

Watch your back.

And wash your arm, baby.


Why are you late?

Why did Mr. Lawyer call
an emergency meeting?

Did Vonda do this?

Titus, the way you bailed on her,

have you ever done that to anyone else?

A Sam Goody credit card.

My college football scholarship.

My cousin who got handsomer
than me... Stupid Darius.

Also, I'm not gonna pay this lawyer.

Well, I've got good news,
and I've got bad news.

The bad news is, Instagram
canceled my account

due to lack of interest.

The good news is that

in 2008, Ronald Wilkerson was
declared legally dead...

by this woman!

He'd been missing ten years.

With his diet, I was being generous.

Sick burn.


you did collect Mr. Wilkerson's
Social Security earnings,

as well as the money
from an insurance policy

he took out on his legs.

I was inspired by Mary Hart

to insure my assets at that time.

So because "Ronald Wilkerson" is
dead, Ms. Brooks, you can't sue him.

As a matter of fact, you
may owe him about $500.

- What?
- What?

Well, I think we're done here.

Boom, bitch!


I am not the one.

See you in the funny
papers, Country Mouse.

You better call Jennifer Love
Hewitt and Phil Rizzuto,

because you owe a ghost money.

Okay? Unh, unh, unh!


Good luck with that, Kimmy.

Lillian, do you think
Titus would ever do to us

what he did to Vonda?

Chew up crackers and pretend
to throw up on us after prom

to get out of sex?

I could see it happening, yes.

But who cares?

We're going out.

We're gonna get more phone
numbers than the NSA.


Yes! Right.

Let's go life.

Oh, wait, I need something in here.

Oh, I'll be in Intimates.

Hi, I need a box of silverfish poison.

No, sir, ma'am. That guy
is buy the last one.



You look well.

It's so nice to see you.

I'd like that.

How is your wife?

Still Sonja?

Yes, thank you.

Sonja and I are having people
over for brunch tomorrow,

and the silverfish ate all our towels.

Wow, your English is
getting really well.

Thank you.

I didn't have you to help me anymore,

so I started watching a lot of...

Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

Well, it's working.

Aw, you're sweet.


My God.

You should come roller-skating with us.

What? Lillian, no.

Everyone knows you can't
skate as a threesies.

Shut up.

As luck would have it,
we'll be a foursome.

I just ran into my old flame, Bobby.

Okay, hi-hi.

I think Dong probably needs to
get back to his wife, Lillian.

Actually, Sonja's at her
Bikram hot yogurt class,

and I do have to stay
out of the apartment

for seven hours after I set
off the silverfish bomb.

So, yeah, that sounds amazing.

Well, perfect.

We'll be a foursome.

Come on.

I want this.

Like you do.

You're right. I'm wrong.

♪ You can feel it ♪

♪ It protects us ♪

♪ Boogie oogie, oogie, oogie ♪

♪ Pray to the corn god ♪

♪ He's corn-lectric ♪

♪ Boogie oogie, oogie, oogie ♪

Why are you doing the...

white idiot

wedding dance...

White idiot?

Oh, my corn god.

So a brunch, huh?

That's Frasier fancy.

It's just to impress the
immigration officer.

Sonja and I have to be believably
married for two years,

and then I'll be a real
American and get divorced.

Let's talk about something else.

Mm, I think Khloé

is probably the smartest
of the Kardashians

'cause, like, she makes the most sense.

I've never seen their show.

I just know that Kim is a butt star

and married a rapper who hates college.

And Kourtney finally ended her
destructive relationship with Scott.

Meanwhile, Kim's firing
back at the haters

with a naked pregnancy selfie.

Wait, how do I know all this?

I saw it on the regular news.


Your eyes look so pretty
in the disco lights.


Oh, looking good, Red.

Lillian, how is this helping me?

I need to find a new boyfriend.

Dong is married.

Yeah, but it's just a sham marriage

like Titus and Vonda

or Abe Lincoln, Mary Todd.


It doesn't matter.

Some things are just wrong,

like kissing a married person

or tracing something and
saying you drew it.


We have a wonderful
thing here in New York

called moral relativism.

Where you're from, in the Midwest,

people say, "I'll never
cheat on my wife,"

or, "I'm not gay.

I'm a wrestling coach."

And then one day, boof,

the wheels come off,

they do it all in one
weekend, and drop dead.

Here, we say,

"Eh, so I kissed a
priest in a leather bar.

Who am I hurting?"

No, I don't like that.

What a disaster.

If you want the sandwich,
take the sandwich, of course.

Okay, bye-bye.

Right, wrong, ehh.

Ooh. Oh.


You have so many more bones than Sonja.

I used to eat a lot of powdered milk.

Okay, bye. Have a nice life.

I can't believe you lied to me.

I'm sorry, but we don't know
what to do with you anymore.

Two silo explosions? How?

If I knew, it wouldn't
have happened twice.

Jackie Lynn, our town can't afford this.

We have so little money as it is.

The elders are having a sweat tonight

to pray for a resolution to
the Jackie Lynn situation.

- I want to go.
- No.

Stay away from the sweat lodge.

Jackie Lynn, you belong
to another tribe now.

What does that mean?

Maybe you should go back to New York.

Well... okay.

If that's the way you feel.

Pew-pew! Pew!

What are you doing?

I'm shooting nightmares at you.

That's not how it works.

- Oh.
- An ihanbla gmunka.

It symbolizes connectivity.

If even one thread breaks,

everything falls apart.

It's like you, Jackie Lynn.

You need to mend your web.

But your connections
are back in Manhattan.

Nothing I ever do is good
enough for this family.

I feel like Rob Kardashian!

The sock designer?

Why do I know that?

Driver, just go around
the block a few times.

Oh. Right.


No. No.

The prisoner locks.

It's like a sweat lodge in here.





White idiot!

White idiot.

♪ Pizza party for one ♪

♪ Divorced, dead, and having some fun ♪

♪ Pizza party for one ♪

I don't have pizza.

What's wrong, Kim Blake Nelson?

I don't know, Titus. What is wrong?

And what's right?

And what's just... ehh?

I find that life is mostly gray areas,

especially the parts I can't
reach with moisturizer.


Is that why you thought it was
okay to be so mean to Vonda?

I don't know what you're referring to,

because in the movie I saw,

I was a hero scoring a legal victory

for young run-a-gays everywhere.

You couldn't even apologize to her.

There are three things Titus
Andromedon does not do:

apologies, drag, and calculus.

I'm beginning to think maybe
you were a better person

back when you were Ronald Wilkerson.

Well, we'll never know 'cause
Ronald Wilkerson's dead.

Oh, you are just Mr.
Sassafras Jeans today.

That's a dumb name for how
fierce I'm being right now.

I want to talk to Ronald.


He was good and nice,

and he's still in there somewhere.

I have many past lives inside me.

- I want to talk to Ronald.
- No!

Titus Andromedon, let
me speak to Ronald!

Ronald no want to talk, please.

That was Murasaki. I'll
explain her later.

Ronald, you loved Vonda.

Leave us alone, lassie!

Ooh, who was that?

Ow. Aah!

I... I...

I sure didn't want to hurt Vonda Jeanne.

I was scared to face her.

What if she wouldn't accept my apology?

Shut up, Ronald, you nerd.


I knew it.

You need to embrace your Ronald, Titus.

For why?

For me. I'm your Vonda now.

How do I know you won't just
pack up and run away from me?

Because I probably won't.

Now, can I please eat my ham
and clam pizza in peace?

That's wrong.

Those toppings are wrong.

I will agree with you in 20 minutes.

But it doesn't matter, does it?

'Cause this is New York,

where everyone's moral relatives.

Just order a deep-dish ham/clam,

and some sicko will make it for you.

I'll have you know I didn't order these.

I found them.

Am I the only person in this city

who doesn't just do whatevs whenevs?

Well, fudge that sugar.

Fudge it to heck,

where a demon with a thousand wee-wees

fudges it forever!

I'm crashing Dong's brunch!

I'm sweating like an Indian in here.

It's okay. I can say that.

I can say that.

Jackie Lynn, the hoop symbolizes unity.

I'm visioning.

We have so little money as it is.

Your house is that way, dummy.

You belong to a different tribe now.

Boogie oogie, oogie.

Corn god. You are corn-lectric.

Just use your contacts.

Your connections are back in Manhattan.

In Manhattan...

How am I still a thing?

- Connections.
- Back in Manhattan.

Lacrosse is our thing.

Contacts, contacts, contacts.

I know what I have to do!


It's Sonja from GED class?

Also, the cartoon Anastasia is about me.

Of course. Sonja.


Kimmy is our best friend.


Were you at their wedding?

Well, I wanted to be,

but these two lovebirds eloped.

I'm not a bird today.


- What are you...
- Listen.

I need to talk to you in private.

What are you doing here?

Lookit, we had fun last night, right?

Yeah. But then things got weird.

Like when Kourtney squirted

her breast milk on Kim's psoriasis.

Why do I know about that?

Here's the thing:

there are gray areas in life.

Sonja's is enormous.

Look, I know we both want
to do the right thing,

but I also can't wait
anymore for my life to...

- Stop.
- Start.

Dead silverfish.

I guess the poison's working.

Oh, now there's one in your hair.

Hang on.

Kimmy, no.

We can't do this.

Look, I'm from the Midwest.

I believe in the sanctity of marr...


But I also want to rub my mouth
on your mouth so I don't boof.

Stop it.

All I want is not to be
deported. That's it.

What about last night?

Last night was a mistake.

Lillian's hair looked like noodles.

I got caught up in it.

What if the immigration lady was
also super into roller-skating?

I could have lost everything.

- But...
- I think you should leave.

Maybe I'll see you in two years, then?

Titus, what are you doing?

Wow, so one fight and
you're out of here?

I've lost my job, my boyfriend,

my favorite scrunchie, and now you?

I don't want to talk about this, Kimmy.

I'm being dramatical.

Fine. Go ahead.

Just run away from your
problems... again.

You can't keep running
away forever, Titus.

Oh, I will keep following you.

You know I'm right!

Your guilt will chase
you wherever you go.

You can't escape, Titus!

Has the train to Biloxi left yet?

Nope. It's running two hours late.



Wait. Vonda?

Boy, good thing the train was late.

Ha. You think we're a train company?

We run late on purpose

so people can find each other
in romantical fashion.

Amtrak... is for lovers.



Vonda... I'm sorry.

The friendship we had was deep and real,

and I should've never
abandoned you that way.

Maybe that's why I never called,

'cause I was afraid to hear
how much I had hurt you.

But if you'll have me,

I'd like to be your friend...

without benefits.

I'd like that.

And now, I'd like to pay you back

a little of what I owe you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

for the first time anywhere,

Ms. and Mr. Vonda Jeanne Brooks

and Titus Ronald

I'll explain that later.

♪ Hey, baby ♪

♪ You got to remember ♪

♪ You know I am ♪






♪ Have you been hearin' the stories? ♪

♪ They're goin' around ♪

♪ All of my friends are talking ♪

♪ Baby, just remember
I gave you my heart ♪

♪ Ain't no one gonna tear us apart ♪

♪ He could promise the moon ♪

♪ And the stars above ♪

♪ Even if he promised me the world ♪

♪ Just remember I'm forever your girl ♪

♪ He could promise the world ♪

♪ You got to remember ♪

♪ I saw her ♪

♪ Under the Manhattan moon ♪

♪ There you were ♪

♪ Crouching by your rowboat ♪

♪ Near the Central Park lagoon ♪

♪ Your hair was so curly ♪

♪ Your eyes were so black ♪

♪ Of course it made my
heart beat faster ♪

♪ Bub-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub ♪

♪ I knew from the start ♪

♪ That you'd break my heart ♪

♪ And the burping ♪

♪ What a disaster ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ Even though I'm crazy as a loon ♪

♪ But it's all relative ♪

♪ Yeah, it's live and let live ♪

♪ Sometimes ♪

♪ Under the Manhattan ♪

♪ Moon ♪


- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!