Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Kimmy Has a Birthday! - full transcript

Kimmy's step-father and sister come to New York to see Kimmy on her 30th birthday. Dong and Logan get into a fight over Kimmy.

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Oh, excuse me, sir?


Today is my birthday.

The big 30-oh.

I need alcohol for my party,

and these are the only
picture IDs that I have.

In the '90s, Mr. T visited
kids with low test scores

as part of his "I Pity the School" program.

So if I give you money,
could you buy booze for me?

I got some liquor in my van.

You can have all you want,
if you come to my van.

Your van?


What is wrong with you, Kimbecile?

Thank God I was out for my morning run...

to the gas station bathroom.


I just turned 30.

I know the exact minute I was born

'cause it was in my mom's lawsuit

against the roller coaster.

30? Whoop, that's a big one.

30's when women go baby
crazy and start making lists

of everything they haven't done.

"I haven't gone to Africa yet."

Girl, you are not going to Africa.

Not me. I'm nothing but pumped.

Well, I hope tonight's everything

you want it to be, baby girl.

To quote Virginia Slim, a skinny
Southern drag queen I know,

"You've come a long way, baby."

Uh, doy!

I'm getting my diploma, I have a boyfriend,

and I finally have a bra that fits right,

thanks to that bra
salesman in the other van.

Damn it, Kimmy.

So what did you get me for my birthday?


Adults don't get gifts on their birthday.

What? That's insane.

Are you making that up just because

you haven't gotten me anything?

How dare you!

I got you the greatest gift of all.

I am writing you a song.

A song? Really?

Gee, that sounds like a lot of work.

Yes, it does.

It really does, Titus.

Gosh darn mommy-fudger.

What the ham sandwich are you doing here?

Surprise! Happy birthday, honey!

I hate you, Kimmy!

Hey, that's no way to talk to your sister.

Sister? Sister?

Well, sweet Tia and Tamera Mowry.

Is this your family?

They are not my family.


Donna Maria, I never
thought I'd see you again.

Is something you should remember

as I introduce you to Gina.

You are not real.

This is a dream. You are not real.


- Thank God you're okay.
- Who are you?

I'm Randy Peterson, and I was
the lead detective on your case.

I didn't actually find you.

An FBI psychic pig found you.

But being on this case
is how I met your mother,

which, by the way, is the name
of a terrific television program

you missed but can now
binge-watch on Netflix.

Boy, I envy you.

So you know my mother,

who, shocker, didn't show up today?

Know her? I'm married to her.

And I would've made
sure she was here today,

but I don't know where she is.

I guess knowing where people
is is not exactly my...

is it pronounced "fortay" or "fort"?

So while I was missing,
my mom married the guy

who didn't find me and then took off again.

And she had another daughter.

This is your sister, Kymmi.

You named her Kimmy?

No, Kymmi.

K-Y-M-M-I, Kymmi.

That is not a name.

I hate you, Kimmy.

Look, I know you came here
all the way from Indiana,

but I don't want you in my life.

All you do is remind me of something

that I've actually been
doing a pretty good job

of putting behind me.

The bunker?

Yes, Randy.

The bunker.

I'm sorry, but I don't want you here.

Boy, driving to New York
sure was a great idea, Dad.

Hey, what did I say about
using sarcasm, little lady?

That you're not sure how it works.


But look, if this is too
much for you, I understand.

We probably shouldn't have
barged in on you like this.

I just wanted to bring you
your birthday present in person.

Well, here you go.

Well, I guess we ought to
mosey on back to Durnsville.

You know what?

Tonight is more than
just a party now, Titus.

That's my favorite sentence ever.

This is a fresh start.

Tonight is the beginning of my new life.

My first year as a grown-up, on my own,

living aboveground.

Right, aboveground.

I know how sarcasm works, Titus.

Did he leave?

- Who?
- You know, the cop out front.

I knew he was a screw
by his dumb stupid face.

Don't worry, Kimmy ran him off.

Ah, that's my girl.

I tell everybody, "Hands
off! Kimmy's a good kid.

She's no snitch."

Stop! Hammertime!

Titus, were you joking about no presents?

'Cause there's no card.

Did you get this for me?

- I did.
- Oh, here's the card.

Not. I did not.

Aw, clothes.

Hey, there's my birthday girl.

I love the shoes and the dress.

I'm gonna look like one
of those fancy ladies

with the makeup who hangs
out under the bridge.

Well, that's just the start of it.

I'm giving you 30 gifts today.

Like, more clothes or
maybe a mix of fun things?

Well, you'll just have to
wait to find out, won't you?

So I'll see you tonight.

Oh, and FYI, they're coming
out with a new iPhone today,

which means all our old
phones are gonna completely...

Damn it.

Ugh, how do you even walk in these things?

Oh, well, you know high heels
were invented by a man, Kimmy,

'cause no woman ever invented anything.

Well, I'm off to The Grind,
and then I gotta head to work.

Have fun.

Are you gonna be back in time
to help me set up for the party?

That's boyfriend stuff.

Boyfriends arrive early
and do all the boring stuff

that no one else wants to do,

like getting ice or this conversation.

All right... a song about my friend Kimmy.

It's too hard. Why did I say song?

Oh, man.

Hello, pretty monster.

Can I help you with your wrap?

And the most erotic thing is,

we haven't seen each other's faces.

I can't believe you invited
a stranger to my party, Titus.

He's not a stranger.

I have real deep feelings for Torso.

I also don't know his name.

Look, tonight is about the birthday girl

'cause you can't spell
"Kimmy" without "me."

Yes, you can. You have to.

Make yourself useful

and put together my party playlist.

What is this? Vanilla Ice?

Hootie? Hanson?

Mmm-nope, nope-n-nope Mmm-nope

Sorry I don't know Hanson's
current hits, Titus.

I haven't been to a Sam Goody since 1998.

I will handle the music.

And it will all be from after the year

Christina Aguilera started eating hot dogs.

Thank you.

I still have a lot of stuff to
do, and no Logan, by the way.

You were wrong about
boyfriends showing up early.

Well, well, well.

Tonight, VC stands for "Very Chic."

Thank you, Mrs. Kimmy's friend.

Do you think you could help me?

I need to sneak this bicycle inside.

Oh, well, don't worry.

Nobody's gonna wanna steal that hunk of...

No, it's Kimmy's birthday present.

I made it myself.

Oh, you didn't let me finish.

Hunk of crap.

It's rude to interrupt your elders.

I'm so sorry.

It's just, it took me weeks to make this,

stealing parts from other
delivery guys' bikes.

Yeah, okay, I'll help you get it in.

That's what she said.

"But how?" she continued.

I'm having a heart attack.


Do not die on me.

Oh, my God.

Look at her color.

And the smell.

She's already gone.

Uh, false alarm.

A little gas.

Dong, you're early.

I came to see if you need any help.

You're such a good
friend. And I do need help.

I just did laundry, and all
my underwear is on the bed.

Could you fold it for me?


Hello, I'm on my way.

Great. Could you bring some ice?


As in frozen water?

It's what boyfriends do, right?

All right, then. I'm off to the ice-ery.

Why do you keep playing
the same song over and over?

These are all different.

Can you not tell house from electronicon?

No. Can you at least play
music that has words in it?

I beat that bitch with a bat

I beat that bitch with a bat

I can't fix America.

I beat that bitch with a bat

The fuzz is back. Everybody just chill out.

It's okay, Lillian. He's leaving.

Okay, Kimmy, I know you didn't want us

messing up your fun party and everything.

But funny story, I can't find the car.

Well, why don't you keep looking for it?

I'm sure it'll only take
you 15 years to find it.


That's a fair hit but hurtful.

Also, I don't want to
take credit for something

that an FBI pig did.

Okay, so we both got ice.

Are you also Kimmy's boyfriend?


No, I saw she was running
low, so I went outside,

and this fell off an air
conditioner and onto my head!

I didn't do it because I'm her boyfriend.

Where would I even take
Kimmy out on a date?

Ice skating and then hot chocolate,

and it starts to snow,
and we fall to the ground,

and we make snow oxen?

As if.

Look, can I just borrow your phone?

This RadioShack 1G doesn't work anywhere

where there's buildings.

Fine, but make it quick.

And don't talk to anyone here about me.

Oh, no, I can't talk about you

with any of your amazing friends?

- Hi.
- Hey.

Well, I got ice.

Thank you.

By the way, who's that guy?

Oh, him?

He's just my friend.

Kaiser... sew... say.

Kaiser Sewsay.

No, no, I mean that chap.

Oh, that's Dong Nguyen.
He's my study buddy.

He's great at math and giving back rubs

and covering me with a
blanket if I fall asleep

while we're studying.

You'd really like him.

- Dagnabbit!
- Excuse me.

What are you doing?

You're gonna laugh.

I had a corn chip in one hand
and your phone in the other.

Long story short, I think I got
all the onion dip off the phone,

but I think there's still a few bite marks.

So you haven't called anyone?

Randy, you can't stay here.

Why hasn't he shown up yet?

Who? The mummy?

What if he doesn't show up at all?

What if he's She's All That-sing me?

All the monsters at work
will laugh at me, like...

I'll be so embarrassed and scared.

Oh, my golly!

I threw this party to celebrate me,

and everyone's making it about themselves.

You and your monster, Randy's car,

whatever Kymmi's problem
is, and could you please

play some more appropriate music?

Yes. Something sad.

I need to get these feelings out.

I beat that bitch with a bat

I beat that bitch with a bat

Has no one gotten the
birthday girl a drink?

That's okay, Dong, I don't...

Dong, you wang!

You're right, Kimmy.

That was very Chinese of me. I'll get ice.

Actually, Kimmy, I've
got some ice right here.

Ow! Why?

God, sorry, that was a terrible idea.


But it's beautiful.

It'll be perfect to play
Titanic with at the YMCA.

You'll do what with it?

And thank you for all my gifts.

Bradley Bear...

Oh, so you just named him on your own then?

That's fine.

And my bike. I love it.

I'll ride it every day.

I'll be like, "Stupid pedestrians!"

Well, I'm glad you like it.

Like it?

I do like it.

That's my locket!

Golly G. Willikers!

Yes? I'm Goliath Gary Willikers.


- What the heck, Kymmi?
- This was my mom's.

She was my mom first.

My whole life has been
about what happened to you.

Oh, I'm so sorry if me
being trapped in a bunker

for 15 years screwed up your life!

Your stupid face was on my milk.

You know what this is?

I'm playing the world's tiniest violin.

And I'm smashing it with
the world's tiniest hammer.

My violin's also a shark.

My dad won't let me do
anything because of you.

I'm only allowed to ride
my bike in the garage.

I've never gone trick-or-treating.

I don't have any friends.

Everyone hangs out at the
Olive Garden on weekends,

but I'm not allowed to go there.

I might as well be in a bunker.

That is offensive.

Also, there's an OG in Durnsville?

And here I am, in New York,

home of the Empire State
Building of Olive Gardens.

It's three stories.

And do I get to go?


But you get Mom's locket

'cause you get everything.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

you're ruining my birthday!

Of course it makes me feel better!



Honey, what's wrong?

Oh, look, Liam from One
Direction is out here,

and he's looking for somebody to kiss.

If you don't come out,
I'm gonna have to do it.


I'm doing it.


Oh, he tastes like gingersnaps.



The mummy! He came.

And he rides a motorcycle.

Or maybe one of those electric bicycles.

Stop talking, Titus,
you're ruining this for me.

Hello, Mummy.

Come to Daddy...


Stupid birthday.

Stupid Kymmi. Ugh.

And why do these heels keep
poking through the floor?

Not because the floors
are just painted dirt.

This is a real apartment.

How am I supposed to have a normal life

if I can't even have a normal birthday?

30's tough for a woman.

You're still 17 years
away from your sexual peak.

Unhand my couch, Fabian,

or I will tell the Gay Internet

what a toothy kisser you are.

Sounds like a fight.

You better get out there,

so I can go through these coat pockets.

I bought this couch for you,
and you never paid me back.

Well, you broke my heart
when you made me go to the gym

and I had a heart attack.

Yes, I'm still mad about that.

This is my birthday, dagnabbit!

It's your own fault! You should've...

Liam is pretty upset

about all the stuff I did to him,

so it'd be great if you could
come out here and soothe him.

Okay, you give me no choice.

Damn it, Randy!

That door doesn't lock.

Use the knob.

The knob.

Oh, no!

Kymmi ran away.

Oh, my God.

She's gone.

All right, stay calm, Randy.

What would the psychic pig do?


Randy, I will call the police.

You go look for her.

Jeez, go look for her?

In New York? At night?

What if some wacko stabbed
me with a hypodermic needle

and then I'm Jewish?

Just go.

- Can I borrow your bike?
- No.

Logan gave me that. You'd just lose it.

- I would, I would.
- Logan?

Okay, this is no scarier
than when I tried Indian food.

But this time I'm gonna do it.

So you made Kimmy's bike?

Certainly not.

The only thing I use my hands
for is fixing another man's tie

as a power move.

This sucks. I feel like a little kid.

And my assistant bought
the presents for Kimmy.

I just assumed the bike was one of them.

It was an honest mistake.

I built that bike because
Kimmy is special to me.

No, I know, I've been
watching you all night.

Staring at her, all
excited like a little boy

who just picked the lock on
his daddy's Jodhpur armoire.

Your experiences are not universal.

Oh, so it's pushy-shovesies, is it?


Say there, friends,

do you think you could help a fella out?

I was looking for a girl.

How do we know you're not a cop?

Course I'm not.

Prove it.

Prove I'm not a cop?

How in tarnation am I gonna do that?

Do heroin in front of us.

Now, I should warn you,

I was on my prep school's
shadow-boxing team.

Well, I know Vovinam, the
secret Vietnamese martial art.


Back attack!

Oh, time out. My keys.

I don't know how that
happened with the wall.

It's definitely not just old
Valpaks covered in cake icing.

Take that.

Fine, I'll just kick you
with the other foot then.

Oh, yeah? Go ahead, do it.

I'm going to. Watch.

Well, quit talking about
it and do it already.

Stop it. Why are you fighting?

Bicycle is my present.

I made it because of love.

I assume you're talking
about the tennis score there

because you did it for nothing.

Damn it. Right.

Party over! Get out!

Kimmy, please. I...

No! Everyone out of my house.

Yeah, you heard her.

This is a house.

Thank you so much for coming. Thank you.

Somebody get Dong out of the wall!


Okay, look, you said you
wanted to be an adult,

have a grown-up party.

Well, you, Kimmy Schmidt,
are no O.J. Simpson

'cause you did it.

What are you talking about?

My birthday was a disaster.

Exactly. What happened tonight?

Your family upset you,

your friends let you down, mostly Lillian.

Two guys got into a fight over you...

Psht, no.

Yeah? Psht, what?

You made a scene in front of everyone.

And now you're crying, thinking
about the passage of time.

Life is so short.

Girlfriend, you just had yourself

an adult birthday party.

Being an adult is terrible.

Tell me about it.

In my next life, I'm coming back as a baby.

Thanks, Titus.

You're welcome, Titus's friend.

So can I hear the song you wrote for me?

Oh, yeah.

It's not very good.

Come on, it can't be any worse than
the stuff you played at the party.

Right. All those songs from the
last 15 years you didn't know.

Here's my song...

that I wrote...

for you.

Do you ever feel

Like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind

Wanting to start again?

Do you ever feel Feel so paper thin

Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in?

Oh, no.

No, no, no.

Wrong girl.

What's wrong with Vicki?

You said young, pale, angry.

What's this guy's deal? Is he a cop?

No, you should have seen
how much heroin he did.

Okay, guys.

Just to put everyone's mind at ease,

I'm gonna do a bunch more heroin.

Baby, you're a firework

Come on Let your colors burst

Make 'em go "Ah, Ah, Ah"

You'll leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe


Thank you.

Wow, that's very catchy.

- Some constructive criticism.
- What?

I don't think anyone says
"a firework" singular.

- It's "fireworks."
- Hmm.

Also, "work" doesn't rhyme with "burst."

And I'm not sure why you would
compare me to a plastic bag,

but I like it.

Great news, everybody.

I found Vicki.

What happened to you? Where is Kymmi?

I don't know.

I never got past your stoop.

Oh, I am such a mess-up, Kimmy.

I never found you. I lost your mom.

I let that stupid sign
language-talking gorilla

trick me into helping him
escape from the Durnsville Zoo.


And that's why I'm just trying
to make everything right.

I know that I'm not your dad,
but you and Kymmi are sisters.

And she really needs
somebody she can look up to.

Look, Randy, I don't always
know what I'm doing either.

I mean, most of the time, I feel like

I'm just blowing in the wind.

Wait a minute. I am like a plastic bag.

- I'm so sorry, Titus.
- That's okay.

I don't know what I was thinking

showing up here like this.

We were suddenly gonna be a family?

Eating dinner together?

You, me, Kymmi, Vicki.

Oh, Vicki, I know that we haven't spent

much time together, but in
that time, I feel like...

I know where Kymmi is! Let's go!

Like we've made a really
meaningful connection.


Bye, Vicki.


How did you guys find me?

Let's just say we could have used this one

when we were looking her.

Kymmi, I'm sorry that you hate your life,

but I don't want you to hate me.

'Cause I know what it's like to
have your childhood taken away,

and I would not wish that on anyone.

Let alone my own sister.


I am coming down so hard.

It hurts so bad.

I just need a little.

It sucks not getting to be a kid.

Yeah, well, at least
you still have a chance.

Thanks, Kimmy.

Aw, I love you guys so much.

I love you almost as much as I love heroin.

Hey, will you folks be
dining with us family style?

Yes. Yes, we will.

Okay, it's not that big a deal.


- What are you gonna have?
- I don't know.