Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Kimmy Kisses a Boy! - full transcript

Cyndee and her boyfriend Brandon visit Kimmy in New York. Kimmy discovers that Cyndee has been using her "mole woman" past to get things she's always wanted, including Brandon. Kimmy's relationship with Charles takes a turn.

Hey, Red.

You're making me wish I was those jeans.

Well, I wish I was your yellow hat!


It's my favorite color.

Did I say something wrong?

Okay, uh, I'm sorry about the jeans thing.

You made your point.

And my point is wh...

That I say these things to women

even though I got a mother that I love

and three beautiful sisters, okay?

- Are you happy?
- Happy but nervous.

My friend from Indiana is coming to visit.

Why do I talk to women like that?

What are we doing here, guys?

I mean, big picture!

Does the world really need another bank?

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

That's gonna be, uh...

you know, a fascinating transition.

♪ Damn it ♪

Smooth jazzercise.

Coming at you.

Now let's do some sitting.

Good morning, Black!


A construction worker called me Red.

I thought we could have nicknames.

Ooh! Look at you getting hit
on by a construction worker.

Meanwhile, I got undercharged at the diner

for my morning scrod.

Crushing it!

Titus, Cyndee's going
to be here in four hours.

What did you promise me?

That I will not ask her any questions

about the bunker.

Look, I know you think I'm still

a little clueless about
how the world works,

but wait until you meet Cyndee.

Down in the bunker, I was her big sister.

I always had to look out for her.

Gretchen, Cyndee has
been waiting a long time

to play with that tennis racket.

And the imaginary ball.

Thank you, Gretchen.

I didn't give it to them.

There were side tubes?

Sometimes, I feel guilty,

like I abandoned Cyndee.

That's how I feel about
my wife back in Missis...

Interesting, Kimmy, go on!

You're the only person who knows our deal,

so please help me take care
of her while she's here.

- Okay?
- Of course, Kimmy Schmidt.

And just in case I overhear
any juicy bunker tidbits,

I'll get all my crazy
reactions out of my system now.


No, she did not!

Sweet baby Jesus!

- Guess who!
- I don't like that!

Oh. Hi, Charles!


- Did you get my text?
- I did.

And I texted you back.


It's a photo of a man's penis.

I read that people text them to each other.

- It's called a...
- Yeah! Oh, yeah.

I know what they're called.

Hola, morning, Vera.

- Hola, Kimmy.
- You want cereal?

The most important meal of the day.

Let's hear it for breakfast!

Hey. I just sent you a text.


- It's a duck pic.
- Wow!

I always knew you were funny,

but this is another level.

Hey, what are you up to later today?

My friend Cyndee is coming into town.

I'm going to show her New York.


It's too bad, because I was gonna kind of

psych myself up to kiss you later.

Or you could do that now maybe.


Now, huh? Go on.

Well, we'd have to stop talking.

Give it to me.

Seriously, I don't need help.

- Let go, mister!
- You leave her alone!

Scram, you stupid honky!

- Kimmy, stop.
- Cyndee, this is New York.

You don't just give your bags to people.

He's not people. He's my boyfriend.

Oh. I'm so sorry.

- I just assumed...
- It's okay, Kimmy.

- I'm Brandon.
- Oh!

So good to meet you.

And I've got more luggage to get.

This one does not pack light.

I don't know why I brought
so much pancake mix.

- Is that your
car? - Mm-hmm.

- And is that Brandon Yeagley?
- You remember him?

Do I remember your middle school crush?

I only had to pretend to be
him, like, a bazillion times.

Well, here we are, Cyndee.

Make-out point.

It's so romantic, Brandon.


If we really love each
other, then we can wait.

Aw, come on, Cyndee!

I drove all the way out here!

I have to pay for my own gas, you know.

Forget it. Let's just go home.

Now I've got the real thing!

I get to kiss him and smell his chest.


So you're doing great, huh?

Oh, my gosh. Super great!

I'm managing the pet store in town.

And Brandon and I are
moving into a new house.

It's got an above-ground pool
and an in-ground trampoline.

Cool! Wait a minute! Did you get a tattoo?

Yeah, I saw it on a Chinese menu,

and I just fell in love with it.

It means "bean curd."

Brandon got a matching one
for our one-month anniversary,

but there was a mix-up,
so his is in English.

Ah, wow. Matching tattoos.

Yeah. It's real popular now,

like taking pictures of
your food or being biracial.

Gosh, Cyndee.

I am so proud of you.

You're really living your life!

Well, it seems like you're
doing pretty great too.


This guy at work, we kissed today.

In the pantry!

This is boring!

So you kissed somebody!

Everybody kisses things.

White people kiss their dogs.

You lived in a bunker.

Where did you go to the bathroom?

Did anybody try to eat anybody?

Was there ever a moment
where you were like,

"The real prison is in my mind"?

I am as God made me.

Where have you been, mister?

Well, I wanted to let you two catch up,

so I went and got you flowers

from the flower district.

And from the Meatpacking District...

- Meat.
- Ah, thank you!

I love them.

Hi, I'm Brandon.

Titus Andromedon. Star on the rise.

Kimberly, a word.

You asked me to help you keep
an eye on Cyndee, correct?

Yeah, but now you don't need to.

I underestimated her.

She's got a job and a house

and a guy who brings her the
traditional meat and flowers

of Indiana courtship.

Yeah, that boy's gay.

- What?
- Gay as a penguin.

Educate yourself.

- Read a nature video.
- He's not gay.

Gay hasn't even gotten to Indiana yet.

There have been rumors in Ohio.

I know small-town gay, Kimmy.

Brandon has a tan line where
he usually wears a leather cuff.

He's from Indiana, but he
weighs less than 200 pounds.

And there's a stain on his
jeans that could only be

from re-varnishing an
Edwardian escritoire.

- What?
- It's gay for "desk."

Ugh! You're being ridiculous, Titus.

Titus! When are us guys
going to talk about cars?

Huh, Titus. Brandon is into cars.

Kimberly, a word.

That was smoke and mirrors, Kimmy,

two things gay men love.

And I'd call him out on it
if I knew anything about cars.

Did I say that right? "Curs."

- "Coors."
- Stop it.

Why would a gay man even
want to be with Cyndee, Titus?

I... what would he
possibly get out of that?

Very well! I'm sure you're right.

There's no way Brandon's gay.

Which means you wouldn't
care if I tried to seduce him.

- What?
- I'm just saying.

Obviously, I'll fail.

Because Cyndee's boyfriend
is super straight, right?

Right. Do whatever you want.

The wheels are already in motion.

So, Brandon,

tell me about yourself.

What do you like to do?

I'm just a regular guy.

I like, uh, NASCAR and fishing,

you know, quoting Borat,

setting up universal remotes,

and, of course, Vegas, baby.

Come on.

Let's go someplace else.

Let's go to the fanciest
place in Manhattan.

Did you know some places
call shrimp "prawns"?

I do now.

We could get a reservation anywhere.

Just call up and say we're Mole Women.

What? No.

I don't tell anyone about that.

Really? Kimmy, that's crazy.

Because when people find
out you're a Mole Woman,

they feel bad for you and
they give you free stuff!

Is that what you do in Durnsville?

You get stuff because
people feel sorry for you?

Sure. I didn't finish middle school.

I'm not qualified to run a pet store.

I just said I liked dogs, so they...

Oh, no, I forgot to get someone
to cover for me while I'm here.

So... the clothes, the
house, the "curs," the car...

that is not an easy word.

It really is pretty great.

The Durnsville Elks Club is
paying for this whole trip,

plus spending money.

I want to get a big-city spray tan.

So you both get stuff out of this.

Ooh, it's the Durnsville
Board of Education.

This year, I get to pick the chapter

that gets taken out of
the science textbook.

I think I'm going to have the chef salad.

Who do you like to have sex with?

Oh, I like hairless guys
with a little bit of...

You are an escritoire!

I'm a desk?

I mean, I don't know what that means.

What do you want, dear?

I was Rear Window-ing,

and it was just starting to get good.

The old man on the third
floor's stuck in the tub.

He's starting to panic.

Lillian, I'm planning a seduction.

A seduction.

I remember those days.

A cocktail at the bar,

a conversation held only with the eyes,

and then the two of you
retire to the bathroom.

I called you because I need you to keep

Kimmy and her girlfriend
out of the apartment.

Oh, sure.

I just need five minutes
with that country boy.

Or however long Kenny
Loggins' Footloose is.

Titus, cherish this time.

Someday you'll wake up and you'll say,

"Who's that old woman in the mirror?"

And then she'll punch you, and you'll say,

"That's not a mirror.
That's an open window."

What are we talking about again?


You're lying to my friend.

I'm telling her!


Kimmy, please!

I'm not using Cyndee
to get stuff for myself.

- I'm part of the stuff.
- What?

She wanted me. Ever since middle school.

What choice did I have after
what she's been through?

I do whatever she wants.

I... I got a tattoo that says "bean curd."

So you're doing all this to make her happy?

I dumped Richard Hinkle for her.

He's the one I wanted to
give flowers and meat to.

No, this is not okay, Brandon.

- You're lying to her.
- Really?

You never lied to Cyndee in the bunker?

We're never going to get
out of this stupid bunker.

I'll never own a sports car or a pool.

And Brandon Yeagley got Apocalypsed!

Well, that's not true.
The reverend told me.

God spared Brandon.

And he's in an all-men's bunker,

so you know he's being faithful.


"Brandon" is a gay guy's name, right?


You know Cyndee needs
someone to take care of her.

You left, so everyone
back home is stepping up.

Please don't ruin it for her.

Welcome to New York.

I wanna say... Brandon?


Titus, it's Brandon.

The gals are outside
talking to your landlord.

So then, in 1984...

no, wait, let me back up.

Modern-day Israel...

What's going on?

I think you know.

Well, I was wrong. Brandon is not gay.

No, he is. He told me.

That's impossible!

I tried to seduce him.

In my over-shorts!

Am I not a pretty young thing anymore?

Am I a bear now?

Or a daddy? Or a Huxtable?

Titus, my best friend's
dream boyfriend is gay.

What do I do?

Are you asking me for advice

because I seem like a wise old black man?

Oh, God. My reflection.

I'm old!

I've been in that bath for hours.

You all watched me struggle!


You're not gay, right?

Straight guys can be vegetarians.

Hitler was a vegetarian.

Ooh! I have to go.

I promised Cyndee I'd take her out

for a real New York pizza bagel.

Well, I'm working tonight
if there's any chance

that you could come by.

I'll be here.

With my kissing hole.

They did it again!

They undercharged my breakfast by 15%.

I think they're giving me
the senior citizen discount.

Why would they think someone
ordering broiled scrod

and a black coffee is a senior citizen?

Dude, I think it's great

the strides you gays have made.

You cut it out!

I know that straight act is just a...

What's that Stanley Donen movie with, uh,

Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn?

- Charade?
- Ha!

- Tell me I'm a pretty boy.
- I can't do that.

What are you two doing?


How old do you think I am?

Titus, age doesn't matter.

You can die at any time.

Hey, you. What's going on?

Not much. Where are you right now?


Just sucking on a chill pill.

Cool. Are you free?

Sure. What's up?

Uh, I want us to get to the next level.

I've only got one life,

so it's now or never.

What do you mean next level?

Like, relationship-wise?

Let's go for it.

I found these butterscotch’s in my pocket.

They just appeared!

It's a sign!

Come on, I'm totally exposed here.

Don't let me down, dude.

Okay, dude. I'm in.

Awesome! Yes! I love you.

Me, too.

Hey, Cyndee, we're friends
no matter what, right?

- Of course.
- Okay.

Well, maybe I'm spoiled
because things are going

so well with Charles,

but I think you can do better than Brandon.

Are you kidding?

Brandon's perfect.

He takes care of me... like you used to.

Okay, I just want you to be happy, so...

Cyndee Sandy Pokorny, will you...

Yes! Oh!

Of course I will! Oh!

What the H-E-double... No.

You know what? What the hell, Brandon?

Kimmy, don't use that kind of language

in front of a unicorn.

Oh, my gosh, Cyndee, unicorns aren't...

Offended by strong language.
Their magic protects them.

I think we all just want Cyndee
to be happy no matter what.


This is too far.

Brandon is gay, Cyndee.

- He likes men.
- Gay?

Would a gay guy have
just asked Cyndee to be...

my wife?

Why are you trying to ruin this?

I'm not.

I'm trying to protect you, as always.

Dang it, Kimmy!

I know what I'm doing!

Jeez, you think I don't notice
Brandon's tooth whitening strips

or how he's always taking
about Ancient Greece

and how things were different then?

There was a culture of
mentors and students.

Wait, you know? Then why are you...

Because! He's what I've
wanted for 15 years.

But this isn't love!

He just feels sorry for you.

Your whole life in Durnsville

is just people feeling sorry for you!

But who cares? I'm happy.

Don't I deserve to be happy?

- I'm a Mole Woman.
- No.

That is not going to work with me.

I'm a Mole Woman too, but
I'm trying to move past it.

Are you?

'Cause I'm actually doing what I said

I was going to do back in the bunker.

You were going to see the
world and get an education

and a great job.

But you're a
29-year-old babysitter

who lives in a basement.

Well, at least I have a boyfriend

who isn't fake, Cyndee.

He's my fake fiancé, Kimmy,

and we're going to live a
beautiful fake life together!


- Well, hello.
- Look, dude.

I don't think I actually said the words

when you called, but I love you, too.

So let's get matching tattoos.

It's a thing now, and
maybe I'm overthinking it,

but Garfield?

Kimmy, what are you talking about?

Hmm, I don't know.

Maybe when you called
me and said you loved me.

Uh, no. I... I didn't...

call you.

Oh, I guess I butt-dialed you.

Hey, you. What's going on?

Did you get any ammo from those corpses?

Not much.

- Where are you right now?
- Just sucking on a chill pill.

I'm in that sub-basement
where the missile launcher was.

Cool. You free?

Yeah, man, I killed the prison guard.

- Sure, what's up?
- We can eat him later.

I want us to get to the next level.


I've only got one life,
so it's now or never.

What do you mean next level?
Like, relationship-wise?

Okay, cool, look, why
don't you draw their fire?

I'll steal the antidote
from the monkey lab.

Let's go for it.

I found these butterscotch’s in my pocket.

They just appeared!

It's a sign!

Come on, I'm totally exposed here.

- Don't let me down, dude.
- Okay, I'm gonna blow the door.

- Oh, the monkeys look mad!
- Okay, dude.

- Okay.
- I'm in!

I got it. Meet me by the hover-car.

Awesome! Yes!

I love you.

- Me, too, dude.
- Me, too.

Oh, my gosh.

I thought it was rude when you said,

"Troll the respawn, Jeremy."

But I figured that was just
a new way of saying goodbye.

I've been saying it all day.

Troll the respawn, Jeremy.

First time on bath salts, dear?

So you thought that I said I love you

after we kissed, like, twice?

And you want to get matching tattoos?

Kimmy, you don't know anything about me.

You're from Tampa.

You have two sisters, Liz and Sarah.

And your childhood dog was named Jellybean.

None of that is correct.

Kimmy, I thought that this was just fun...

Me, too... I was trying to have fun,

and then I made everything
weird 'cause I'm weird.

And now you're looking at me

like I'm Jesus's crazy stepbrother Terry.

That's not in the Bible, is it?


It'd probably be for the best...


Got it.

Troll the respawn, Jeremy.

Troll the respawn, Jeremy.

Black, gay, and old?

Oh, I'm not even gonna
know which box to check

on the hate crime form.

Excuse me, pal, I'm
sorry to bother you, but,

well, the last couple of
days, I've been asking myself

some tough questions
about how I treat women.

- Interest level exceeded.
- Wait, wait, wait!

Um, the thing is I...
I think that I envy women

because they can be with men.

And I've never said this out loud before,

but I think that's what I want, too.

So... you want to go
out for a drink sometime?

Are you asking me out, you
tasty little Bob the Builder?

Yeah. I am.

You can't handle this yet.

Still got it!

Call me in ten years.

This is actually supposed
to take that long, so...


My fiancé and I have decided
to return to Durnsville,

the city that never sleeps.

Is that siren still going off?

Cyndee... I'm sorry.

- Go on.
- You were right.

I'm not doing any of the
things I said I would.

It turns out I don't even have a boyfriend.

I don't have anything.

It's like in the Bible,

when Terry borrowed his brother's moped.

Listen to me. Don't listen to me.

You get to live your life the way you want.

That's the whole point
of not being in a bunker.

No one gets to tell you what to do.

And I think part of me is jealous of you,

because you really do
have everything you want.

You just took a shortcut to get there,

and I can't do it that way.

You're gonna take the road less traveled.

I guess so, Cyndee.

Even though that's exactly
how you got kidnapped.


But if I'm going to do all
the things I said I would,

I need to get going.

And I know where I'm going to start.

by Simple Minds]

I'm here to enroll in the eighth grade.

I'm sorry, but someone your age

can't enroll in middle school.

But Billy Madison did.

Yes, but Billy Madison's
family was very wealthy.

They owned Madison Hotels,
a Fortune 500 company.

But there is a GED class that meets here.

This is perfect!

And they have a lacrosse team!

No, those are all flyswatters.

Look out, world! Here comes Kimmy!

End of Breakfast Club.

I know what it is.

Good night, everybody.