Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Kimmy Goes to the Doctor! - full transcript

Kimmy has an eye-opening experience when Jaqueline introduces her to her plastic surgeon. Titus auditions for a Spider-Man musical.

I can't believe what people
just leave on the street.

You mean trash?

Why would someone throw
out a perfectly good TV?

Ariel, this thingamabob is not gonna work.

Ever since I stopped paying my cable bill,

my TV's just been a conversation piece.

People say, "Titus, why do you
have a nonworking television

in your house?"

And then the magic begins.

Good job, little girl.

I knew you could do it, because
you believed in yourself.

I know! But Titus doubted me.

- What channel is this?
- Don't worry about it.

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

That's gonna be, uh...

you know, a fascinating transition.

♪ Damn it ♪

It smells like lavender, oh, and the beach.

Yeah, it would be a great
place to bring a baby.




Cover it up, it's fine.

Jeez, do people not clean
their homes in the future?

Stop calling this "the future."

What did you talk about?

You were interviewing her out in the open?

You don't think my boss has something to do

with that missing girl, do you?

Turn it off.

Turn off the TV.

But I'm watching Law Squiggle Order!

I said turn it off.

That man is my nemesis.

Richard Belzer?

He seems so nice.

No, him.

The dollar-store version of this.

Kimmy's professional work phone.

Hey, Kimmy, it's me.

- Who?
- Cyndee...


From the bunker?

Cyndee, hi.

- How did you get this number?
- I got the letter you sent me.

What letter?

It's on Barbie stationery.
It has pizza grease on it.

I'm gonna kill you.

- So how are you?
- Yeah, real good.

You know, sometimes I
get mad for no reason.

Like, the other day, I
smashed one of those...

Oh, gosh, what are they called?

Kia Sorrentos.

And last night I had a dream

that Reverend Richard was chasing me,

and then I turned around, and his face

was the baby from Full House.

Oh, that's terrible.

But other than that, real good.

Hey, I should come visit you sometime.

Uh, yeah, maybe.

Uh, listen, I got to
get ready for work, so...

Oh, okay.

- Bye.
- So bye.

Why would you send that letter?

I had to call for backup.
You won't talk to me.

You say I don't understand,
but I knew who would

is another one of your goopy-doops.

My what?

You don't like it when I say "Mole Women."

Yeah, 'cause that's our word.

You wouldn't like it if I said...

♪ Hold! ♪

Titus, I'm fine.

I don't need to talk about it.

Kimmy, you yell in your
sleep. You bite my nails.

And we still don't know
why you're afraid of Velcro.


Hi, Mrs. Voorhees.

Shut up, Vera.

Are you praying?

- Do you need a bucket?
- This is a Joy Pose.

It's scientifically proven that
if you look good on the outside,

you actually become confident and happy.

It's called outside-in living, Kimmy.

And I have bought two books on it.

I've been doing that my whole life.

Smile until you feel better.

I call it "Kimmying." Watch.

Oh, Kimmy, you can
cancel those reservations

at Le Gargámel.

Mr. Voorhees called, and
he won't be coming back

for another six weeks.

Oh, I'm sorry.

About what? I've already
forgotten about it.

Oh, can you try Dr.
Franff's office and see if he

can squeeze me in today?


Also, see if they have an appointment.

And the school called.

They need a photo of you
for Buckley's caregiver ID.

Apparently, all these days
that you've been picking him up,

they've been parking
him down as "abducted."

Oh, boy, okay.

I don't really have a
recent picture of myself.

Is there a Sears near here?

Ew. No.

Just take a selfie and email it to me.

A selfie. Yes.

What is that?

Are you serious?

You just reverse the
camera and press the button.

Oh, no.

No, you have to hold the camera high

to keep your chin up.

Then make a kissy mouth.

Then think about baby ducks,
so your eyes look kind.

And squeeze in your arm
to push up your cleavage.

Is this what
my face looks like now?

That's what I say when I look
in the mirror every morning.

You know, when I used to get really sad

in the place where I used to live,

I would smile and jump up and down

and say, "I'm not really
here. I'm not really here."

Oh, I don't know that one.

I'm not really
here. I'm not really here.

You have enough for a book here.

I'm not really here!

I'm not really here!

Oh, God. Why?

Buhbreeze. Cover it up.

Earlier today, tragedy
striking the new musical

Spidermen Too: 2 Many
Spidermen, the show billed

as "the most flying
Spidermen ever assembled

on one stage."

Change the channel. I
can't get news from a woman.

This afternoon, six cast
members were critically injured

at the hands of
Spiderman's greatest foes...

Gravity and floors.

In true Broadway fashion, producers insist

that the injured actors will be replaced

and the show will go on.

This is it. This is my chance.

Are you kidding me?

That show is a death sentence.

Exactly. Most actors will be scared away,

but not Titus Andromedon,
whose biggest credit to date

is that Bum Fights DVD.

I could actually get a part on Broadway.

I can't support this.

I will not bury another
beautiful black man.

You know my dear husband Roland was killed

in our very own apartment.

Yes, I've heard this story before.

He got up to go to the bathroom

in the middle of the night,
and on his way back to bed,

he was shot in the face.

By you, Lillian.

Well, it was dark out,

and a black guy was trying
to get in bed with me.

It was the '70s.

Point is, I will have nothing to do

with this audition of yours.

Fine. I'll get Kimmy to help me.

Who needs you, anyway?

Can I borrow $5, a lint brush,
a stick of gum, and your shoes?


Listen, Kimmy,

'cause I only have the
blood sugar to say this once.

If I'm going to get an audition,

I need head shots that show range,

specifically, a fine composite
head shot like this flawless one

of Tony Danza that I
borrowed from my dry cleaners.


We only have one shot at this.

I will have approximately three seconds

between flashes to transform characters.

As soon as you see the light,
you hand me the next costume,

even if I scream no.

Even if I beg you to stop,

hand me the next costume.

See you on the other side.


This is impossible.

The beard.

You're looking at a genius.


Mrs. Voorhees, have you
sent that selfie of me?

Can we use this one I
made at the arcade instead?

It's what my and Titus's
baby would look like.

Oh, that's upsetting.

What's wrong with your other picture?

I don't like it. I didn't
realize how old I look now.

You don't know what you look like?

How do you know your self-worth?

I guess I just was never one of those girls

who looked in the mirror all the time.

Your hair is brown with
different brown in it.

Your eyes are green with grayish flecks.

And your nose is super skinny.


Hey, Kimmy, you want me
to be your mirror now?

Nah, I'm good.

I can see myself if I move fast enough.

Ugh, now I can't stop
looking at these lines here.

I hate them.

Outside in, Kimmy. I
don't have time right now.

Dr. Franff said called and said
he could see me immediately,

so I'm heading over.

Carry my purse and this bag with sneakers.

Oh, no, what's wrong?

I don't know, but whatever it is,

I'm sure he'll figure it out.

Dr. Franff is the best
plastic surgeon in Manhattan.

Sidney built Mariah Carey from scratch.

- Excuse
me? - Mm-hmm?

Is this the line for Spidermen auditions?

Yep, can you believe all these weirdos.

Well, well, well...

this is rich.

Coriolanus Burt...

I haven't seen you in years.

No? You didn't catch my turn on SVU?

I must've blinked and missed it.


You missed my performance
as the guy who, at the end,

turned out to have done it?

Look at us...

Me just passing by on
my way to tape a podcast

and you standing in line for an open call

for a play directed by the
third Affleck brother...


Look, my agent set this up...

Titus, if you're in this
line, you don't have an agent.

Excuse me, I have to take this.


Yes, I am happy with my
long-distance service...

very happy.

Wait, the sign says "Dr. Grant."

Yes, but Sid pronounces it "Franff."

These people are already pretty.

Why are they even here?

Look at her hands.


- Would you like a water?
- Yes.

No, thank you.

Plastic surgeons look at feet?

Oh, yes.

Feet are the new butts, Kimmy.

Dr. Franff is here.

Jacqueline, you look fantastic.

Thank you, Sidney.

Would you like TV while we work?

What do you want to watch?
CNN, pornography?

No, Thank you, Sidney.

I don't have time for the works today.

I just wanted to talk to you about my toes.

As you know, Julian loves my feet,

for sex reasons.

I'm just not feeling good
about them for some reason.

Well, we can do a toenail re-sizing.

You can have a foot face-lift,
or you can toe tuck them.

- Well, which do you recommend?
- I cannot choose.

That's like asking me which
one of my children's placentas

was the most delicious.

Hold on.

Who's this?

What interesting skin you have.

- Oh.
- Look at that.

Thank you.

Absolutely no sun damage.

But you've clearly experienced
a tremendous amount of stress.


Are you a coal miner, submarine captain?

- No.
- Huh.

Because you have very
distinct scream lines.

Where did those come from, I wonder.

I don't know.

Too many fun roller coasters maybe?

Either way, your problems are easy to fig.

This brow furrow, zap.

And these frown lines,
we'll flump-up, you know.

- Oh, I don't need all that.
- Oh.

Who am I? Pamela Lee?

What about those scream lines, Kimmy?

I know they were bothering you.

Those, we can inject with the R.E.O. cream,

and instantly gone.

- You can do that?
- Yeah.

Of course he or she can.

I can do that right now.

Do it.

Oh, Kimmy, I'm so excited for you.

Joy comes from the outside in.

- What, dear?
- I'm sorry?

I'm sorry. I still don't have it.


I was saying that we now validate parking,

if that's important to you guys at all.


Oh, who's that girl?

What? I didn't do anything?
Got some sun but...

I'm not talking to you, dear.

I'm watching Jeopardy!

The category is "Worst Madonna Songs."

This 1987 one is terrible.

That was humiliating. I'm
never auditioning again.

Aw, did you screw the pooch?

Know how that expression originated?

It wasn't anything clever at all.

There was this guy and a dog...

Lillian, I'm trying to tell a story.

So there I am, standing in
line for this cattle call,

and I run into Coriolanus Burt.

Oh, no! Right?

My nemesis, the man who stole my career.

When I first moved here, they were doing

an all-black production of Oklahoma!

Called Alabama!

Coriolanus Burt and
I went head-to-head,

down to the final call-back,

for the role of
Sharecropper Number Two/Cow.

Just as I was about to
hit the women's high C

in People Will Say We's in Love,

Coriolanus runs on stage and yells,

"Oh, my God. They shot Versace."

I mean, rude!

- And guess who got the part?
- You?

A third party that wasn't in the story?


That should have been my big break.

And now he's walking
around in shoes and socks

like a big shot.

And look at me...

Talented, dashing, transcending,

but no career, no agent,
and just the one sock.

It isn't good to hold
on to things like that.

You have to work from the outside in.

I mean, if I can get
rid of my scream lines...

Diva, I thought you looked real rested.

Then anything is possible.

Tomorrow we are going to
put on our fanciest clothes,

go down to the biggest agency,

and do a series of leg and arm poses

to project confidence and get you an agent.

All right! I'll try it.

He's here to see an agent, please.

What are we doing exactly?

Trust me.

If you're confident on the outside,

good things will happen.

I don't know.

Why are you keeping this
important man waiting?

Right this way.

- Would you like a water?
- No, thanks.

I hope he does well in there.

He prepared a monologue
from an episode of Maury

where this guy was afraid of peaches.

No, Maury.

Get them away from me!

The fuzz! The fuzz!

I like you, Titus. We
represent Myron Affleck.

I want you to read for
his Spidermen musical.

Get Myron on the phone.
Try the pay phone first.

If he's not there, try
the car, where he lives.

Pardon my French, but, Au bon pain!

How do I know you?

You don't.

No, no, no, no, no. I've
seen your face before.

Are you the girl from The Bachelor

whose butt prolapsed?

No, I'm not. You've never seen me.

Oh, you're one of those
girls from Indiana...

the Mole Women.

Have you discussed life
rights, reality show, porno?

The Hole Women? Just saying.

Do you remember New Jersey Tanning Mom?

- I can do that for you.
- Do what?

Get your face everywhere...

Magazines, talk shows, a
show where you and Flavor Flav

drive across country
staying in haunted B&Bs.

You are crushing it, Joshie!

You know it, Joshie!

I want a whole new face.

I have some.


Titus Andromedon, Kinetic Talent,

reading for the role of Spiderman Number 12

All right, hit it, hot shot.

♪ And I will crush that Spiderman ♪

♪ And then that other Spiderman ♪

♪ And all the Spidermen ♪

♪ Till I'm the Spiderman ♪

Five, six, seven, eight.

Let's try you in the flying rig, guy.

Oh, my balls!

My balls! My ball...

I'm sorry, Myron, what
are you looking for here?

We just want to see if
you can continue acting

after being struck by a falling Spiderman.

Look, there they are.

All 50 Spidermen!

All right, thank you, pal.

Are you all set?

Oh, that's good, then.


All right, what do you want to watch?

I like judge shows.

Oh, all righty.

Now, Kimmy, I want you to
count backwards from ten.

- Okay.
- Ten...

nine, eight...

Smells great. Like a meadow.

I'd be happy if I died here.

Wait. Is that the bunker?

Reverend Richard?

Full House baby?



- You're still crazy!
- No!

Kimmy, dear, I need you to be still.


Won't fix your insides.

Why is she not asleep?

'Cause I'm fighting through it.

This is wrong. I'm just
Buhbreezing my problems.

She's as strong as a horse,

which reminds me, we've
got to rebook Mrs. Cohen.



I assume.

My friends, listen, changing your outside

isn't going to fix what's wrong inside.

We're just covering up our problems.

In order to fix ourselves,
we have to start right here.

Find that small unbreakable
you inside yourself and...

I got to go.


Mrs. Voorhees?

Oh, Kimmy, thank God you're here.

I need you to keep this
ice fresh until my toes set.

No. This isn't about your feet.

You're just Buhbreezing your problems!

You'll have to speak up, dear.

They took part of my ear
and put it in my foot.

Listen, outside-in doesn't work.

You could have the most
beautiful feet in the world...

How? Tell me. Is it more surgery?

But it wouldn't fix what's really wrong.

You're unhappy about your marriage.

You can smile and pose all you want,

but that's not going to change.

I'm not really here! I'm not really here!

Yes, you are.

No! I'm not ready.


I look so sad.

- What filter is this?
- None.

Hashbrown, no filter.

That's you, Mrs. Voorhees.

That's your real selfie.

I don't know what to do, Kimmy.

Julian left Tokyo for Beijing.

He won't take my calls.

If you think your
husband's cheating on you,

you have to confront him.

I have to go to China.

Yes, you can do this.

Oh! Oh!

In the morning.

How did the auditions go?


For more information, press one.


I had just completed my audition,

when the director himself stood up

and asked me to leave because
I did not get the part.

But who did I see on my way out?

Just talk to the director. Please, just...

What are you doing here?

Are you auditioning for this?


I just left something in my dressing room

from when I starred in this
theater's last production

of Tony Danza's Big Fat
Italian One-Man Christmas Carol.

So that's just your
natural crotch structure?

Titus, wouldn't you like to know...

My balls! My ball...

So you didn't get the
part, but your enemy did,

and you're happy about that?

Yes, don't you see?

If Coriolanus has to audition

for the same humiliating roles as I do,

then that part he stole
from me wasn't the big break

that I thought it was.

Which means your big break
still hasn't happened yet.

I'm so happy for you.

I love you both so much,

even though I don't always say it.

- Thank you, Lillian.
- Oh, we love you, too.


No, no, no. Wheel of Fortune.

I'd like to solve the puzzle, Pat.

"I'm so happy for you.

I love both of you so much,

even though I don't always pay it?"

Oh, my God, what a moron!

- Hello?
- Hi. Yes.

May I please speak to Cyndee, please?

I'm sorry, but Cyndee's been missing f...

Oh, wait... Old habit.

Cyndee, phone!

- Hello?
- It's Kimmy.

I think you should come
visit me in New York.

♪ And I will crush ♪

♪ That Spiderman ♪

♪ And then that other Spiderman ♪

♪ And all the Spidermen ♪

♪ Till I'm the Spiderman ♪

♪ Spidermen, we're at it again ♪

♪ This time with 50% more Spidermen ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Not quite a bug ♪

♪ Not quite a man ♪

♪ How do I break out from
this Spiderman clan? ♪

♪ I want to be proud ♪

♪ I don't want to hide ♪

♪ Don't trap me in a
cup and put me outside ♪

♪ With all those other ♪

♪ Spidermen, we're at it again ♪

♪ This time with even more Spidermen ♪

♪ Another 50 Spidermen ♪

♪ A trillion spider eyes ♪

♪ We may be spiders ♪

♪ But we're dropping like ♪

♪ Flies ♪

Good night, everybody!