Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Kimmy Gets a Job! - full transcript

Kimmy has to throw an acceptable kids' birthday party to keep her new job with the filthy rich Voorhees family.

All right, Kimmy, listen up.

I'm listening! Good!

Day two in New York City,

and you've already got a room with a door,

a new pair of shoes, and a black friend.

Are you kidding me?

No, I'm not.

Now all you have to do

is get your job back.

Ms. Jacqueline?



Oh. Didn't I fire you?

I want to say... Cornmo?

It's Kimmy, ma'am.

And I deserved it.

But I also think I deserve a second chance.

I'm a hard worker,

I'm proficient in WordPerfect

and Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing,

and I can hold my breath
for a real long time.


But you were two hours late

on your first day!

Do you have any idea how
much I have on my plate?

Not literally, of course.

The point is, I'm extremely busy.

I know.

Buckley's birthday is today.

First, our nanny quits,
then you don't show up,

then my Pilates guy gets
a part on Royal Pains,

so I have to go to Michelle.


Look, I don't like giving second chances,

but I appreciate your lack of pride.

So, if you can handle
Buckley's birthday party,

I'll consider bringing you back on.

But this is your last chance.

I'm not running a charity here,

except the one where I donate
my old towels to poor people

with the same initials as me.

My husband, Julian, is flying
in from London for the party.

That was the fanciest
sentence I've ever heard,

and I used to watch Frasier.

Well, Julian's only here for one night,

and I want everything to be perfect.

You have four hours to plan
a superhero birthday party

for 20 children and their
Caribbean chaperones.

You won't regret this, Mrs. Voorhees.

I'm pretty great at birthday challenges.

How did you make this?

It's my hair and Donna Maria's hair.

¿Qué, qué?


Well, good luck.

I'd hate to have to fire you again.

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

That's gonna be, uh...

you know, a fascinating transition.

♪ Damn it ♪


Yeezus! What are you doing back here?

Shopping. It's Times Square,
where New Yorkers shop.

Why are you dressed like a robot?

Remember dream-following?

Yes, Kimmy, I do,

but I can't exactly quit my job.

I've still got bills to pay.

If I stop paying Columbia
House, I stop getting my tapes.

Look, we both listen to the tapes.

Let me take care of Columbia House.

Let me take care of the
rent for a little while.

I got my job back.

I don't know, baby girl.

I mean, rent is one thing,
but I need new head shots,

new clothes, new teeth,
Botox to stop my sweating.

Well, that costume's got
to be worth something.

Maybe you could sell it.

No, this thing's a rental.

But I gave them a security deposit.

- That's $200.
- Whoa.

With that kind of money, you
could produce your own show.

Maybe something

about being black and gay and bald and...


But I've already been
down that road, Kimbert.

After my tenth failed Lion King audition,

I tried to stage my own version.

♪ Wee Bobby Doop-doo ♪

♪ Sanjaya ♪

♪ Oh, no-no ♪

Well, you can at least
buy some new clothes.

- All right.
- That's the spirit.

Look out, New York.
Nothing can stop us now.

♪ Well, they call me Cool Kimmy ♪

♪ 'Cause I like to rap ♪

You, help.

We were playing vodka shotzee

to pre-game for Dexter's party tonight,

and Simone kept losing 'cause
she's really bad at math,

and I think she has alcohol poisoning.

What? Who are you? I wasn't rapping.

We have to pump her stomach

but we can't take her to the hospital

because her dad's running for Congress.

Okay, I've gotten botulism a bunch of times

from spoiled canned goods,

so I know lots of ways
to make people throw up.

Oh, I... I'm fine.

Don't let her die. She'll kill me!

She'll be okay, but she
really should see a doctor.

Her boyfriend's an ophthalmologist,

but he's on vacation with his wife.


I'm sorry. Does one of you live here?

Mrs. Voorhees didn't tell
me that she had a daughter.

Jacqueline? I'm her stepdaughter.

And you're what, the new Hunong?

I'm Kimmy, and I'm going to have

to tell your stepmother
that you were drinking.

No, you don't.

I'm 15, and I'm pretty much your boss.


can you go?

We're, like, in here.

Oh, my God.

No way, man.

I can't give you your
security deposit back.

There's all kinds of wear on this thing.

That is ridiculous.

I treated this suit like a beautiful lady,

which is to say, I did not touch it.

I'll take it off your hands,

but you're not getting your deposit back.


I need that money to
pursue my dream of stardom.

That's the most pathetic
thing I've ever heard.

And I have sex with
these costumes at night.

- Mrs. Voorhees.
- Mm?

- Um...
- Not now, Kimmy.

In preparation for Julian's return,

I went to the gyno-dermatologist.

I need to lie down with my
feet and heart above my vagina.

Uh, but I really need to talk
to you about your stepdaughter.


She's home already?

Are her friends with her?
They're so mean and cool.

Sometimes I look at them at
Barney's from behind a pillar.

Her friends left, but
I think you should know

that they were drinking
alcohol... on purpose.

Okay, I can't deal with this right now.

Today is too important.

Just make sure Xanthippe
is at Buckley's party.


You're going to punish...

"Sam-pippy," right?

You don't understand.

Being a stepmom isn't easy.

Xan isn't going to listen to me

'cause we're basically the same age.

Someone needs to ground her.

Okay. You can try.

But don't cry in front of her,

even if she calls you a
MILF and then says, "Not!"

And then everyone in the
Admirals Club laughs at you.

Wait. You want me to ground her?

Yes, please.

What is all this?

Oh, it's a superhero birthday party,

just like you wanted.

I hope you're joking.

This looks like a party for a child.

But it is for a child.

This is a disaster.

Your color scheme clashes
with the Givenchy romper

I bought for this party.

Do you know what a Givenchy romper is?

- This?
- Oh, my God.

I'll wear something else.

But do you really expect my
husband to fly 6,000 miles

for paper plates,

crinkle-cut fries,

a Mexican candy animal?

Is this my fault?

Was I not clear?

No, you were clear. I can do better.

Please. Please do.

Okay. So I should spend...

As much money as you have to
so that when Julian comes home,

he knows that he's at
his son's birthday party,

not the reception for an
Appalachian incest wedding.


♪ Guadalajara, Guadalajara ♪

♪ Guadalajara, Guadala... ♪

Hey! Jackass!

We're working this car!

We don't need no busted-up
Iron Man stealing our tips.

I'm not Iron Man.

All I want to do is get
rid of this stupid costume,

but they won't give me
my security deposit back.


Is that from Ray Ray's Costume Depot?

Yes. He said it was damaged.

The same thing happened to us.

And my mother cleans
our costumes every night

after she tucks us into
the bed we all share.

It's a scam.

This will not stand!


Let's go!

Julian should be here any minute.

How do I look?

Like a million bucks!


I know you didn't mean
that to be hurtful, but...

Where do you think you're going?


Put down your Game Boy and look at me.

My what? Ew.

Your stepmother expects you to
be at your half-brother's party

when your full father gets here.

I'll be back in, like, an hour. God.

Xanadu, you're grounded.

Xanthippe. And what?

By the power vested in me as
an adult who is a grown-up,

you're grounded.

Okay. Kimmy, IMHO...

Pancakes. Got it.

This is not gonna work,

'cause nannies like you...

I chew you up, and I spit you out,

just like all my food.

I would call this back-talk, missy,

and you're not just back-talking me.

Your stepmother asked me to ground you.

You know, Disney lies to little girls.

Stepmothers aren't scary,

and nannies aren't magical,

and dwarves do not let
you sleep in their house

without expecting something.

It's okay, Kimmy.

You can do this job.

Right, Vera?

I don't know, chica hamburguesa.

I don't know.

So everyone here has tried
to get out of this game?

And no one got their deposit back?

Hell, no!

That man is cheating us...

out of our dreams.

That's right.

If I could get my deposit back,

I could finally live my dream
of no longer being a mariachi.

We got to do something.

- Have an orgy?
- No.

Stop suggesting that.

Look, honey, it's Cookie Monster.

That's not Cookie Monster.

Jeez, I get enough of that at home.

But she's right, Dale.
You're not Cookie Monster.

And I'm not Iron Man.

And that is definitely not Miss Piggy.

I know what we're gonna do.

Hey, Super Buckley.

My mom said I can't open any
presents until my dad gets home.

Aw. That's the worst.

But I've got a little
trick that might help.

I learned a long time ago

that a person can stand just
about anything for ten seconds.

How are you liking my
Baby-Sitters Club Mystery,

Sister Gretchen?

I don't know. Surfing, swimsuits...

A woman reading a book?

Now let me have a turn
on the Mystery Crank.

You haven't slept in days.

It's really no trouble.

See, you can stand
anything for ten seconds.

Then you just start on a new ten seconds.

Nine, ten.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven,

eight, nine, ten.

One, two, three, four...

So, whether you're turning a heavy crank,

the purpose of which
is unknown to this day,

or just waiting around
to open some presents,

all you got to do is...

♪ Take it ten seconds at a time ♪

- Kimmy?
- Huh?

Can you help me, please?

I've had the most amazing idea.

A scrunchy that's also a wallet?

To make tonight extra special for Julian,

I'm going to re-create our first date.

And you worked at the post office?

I was a stewardess,

and it was so romantic.

I was on Julian's NetJet flight

back from Bush's second inauguration.

So, needless to say, he was DTF.

Then when we landed,

we couldn't go back to his
house because his wife was home,

so we ended up going to his office instead.

And we snuggled all night

because he fell asleep on top of me.

So is Mr. Voorhees on his way?

Well, I just texted his assistant, Rhonda.

Don't worry. Fat.

And he should be wheels down any minute.

So make sure the kids are
ready to yell "surprise"

when he comes through the door.

Tonight's gonna be crazy debauchery.

Dexter's parents are both in the hospital

from a skiing accident,

so the apartment's totally empty.

I can't wait.

The babysitter tried
to bust me for drinking,

but I own her.

You guys, I was showering with Dr. Jerry,

and he told me he hates his wife.

- He said that?
- You're so lucky!

Remember how I was, like, so bummed

I had to see my grandparents in California?

Well, I met this surfer,

like, blond, blue eyes, tan, okay?

And he called me "Kelea" which is, like,

a Hawaiian princess.

Anyway, he practiced surfing at night,

and we'd meet up after
and do it on the beach.

I have sex when I visit
my grandparents too.

I have a birthday update.

My husband, Julian Voorhees, has, um...

not yet left London.

Obviously, you needn't stay,

but we will not be opening
presents until he gets here.

But can we have cake?

I don't even know who you are.

I'm Cooper S.

Open the register, Ray.

Time to make like a dwarf at a jukebox

and pay up.


Am I supposed to be afraid of a Hello Kitty

and a Cookie Monster?

No. But that's not what they are.

They're an Aloha Cat and a Treat Creature.

And I'm not Iron Man.

I'm Metal Hero Friend.

None of us are licensed,

and by renting these costumes,

you're infringing on
the intellectual property

of The Children's Television Workshop,

Marvel Comics, Walt Disney,

and Japan PervCo.

How'd you dirtbags find out
about intellectual property?

Who told?

Let's just say I had
some firsthand experience

with Disney's copyright lawyers.

♪ Wheeeeeeee Bobby Doop-doo ♪

♪ Sanjaya ♪

♪ Oh, no-no, wait ♪


Fair enough.

Pay up, old man,

every cent that you owe these losers.


Julian isn't coming at all.

He had to go back to Japan.

You might as well open your
birthday presents, Buckley.

I did, and I already have all this stuff.

I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

Look around you.

This birthday party was a catastrophe.

- And I hate superheroes.
- What are you talking about?

You play with them all the time.

Because I'm pretending
to be a super villain!

I like how they blow up hospitals.

Well, this birthday party isn't about you.

I wanted everything to be perfect.

I mean, it had to be perfect,
and he didn't even show up.

He's my husband.

He made a vow to me on Steve Wynn's boat.

And I never should have trusted you.

I did it, Kimothy.

I got my security deposit back.

I got rid of that robot costume,

and I got to yell at an old white man.

Well, I'm sorry, Titus,
but you can't stop working.

- Say what?
- I have to quit my job.

No, no, no, no, no. You can't do that.

One of us has to put food
on my Barbie-themed TV trays.

You don't understand. I can't do it.

This family...

The mother is having
some sort of breakdown,

while her stepdaughter
is running around drinking

and sexing.

The little boy is a devil,

probably because the
father is never around.

It sounds like this
family either has no money

or way too much.

Oh, they're super rich.

Their toilet has another
reverse toilet next to it.

Oh, no, you cannot work there.

Rich New Yorkers are the worst.

They buy up buildings for themselves

and ruin neighborhoods.

They're always inventing new types of dogs

that the world doesn't need.

And what do they do with their money?

They give it to charities to
cure malaria in other countries.

Well, call me crazy,

but I say cure malaria at home first.

These people have so many towels,

and you're not allowed to use any of them!

I don't blame you for bailing.

I mean, people like that need serious help.

I know that, Titus.

That's the problem.

I like helping people. I'm good at it.

I helped you get your life back together.

I helped keep the Mole
Women sane all those years.

And this morning, I helped
an old man at the supermarket

who needed me to get all
that stuff out of his pockets.

But I don't know how
to help the Vorheeseses.

Lil' Kim, there is nothing you can do

to help these crazy people.

You're just a sweet girl with
an eighth-grade education.


You've read, like, two
books in the last 15 years.

- You're not gonna...
- Urethra!

That's it! The book!

How did I not remember this?

I can fix it.

I can fix everything!

Titus, I need you to
get your robot suit back.

But I already did something today.

Hey, Xan, going somewhere?

You still work here?

Cool. Cool.

Um, one thing before you go...

Your boyfriend this summer,
what did you say his name was...


Yeah, Thrash. When did I...

'Cause I can't remember.

Did you tell me that he surfed at night

so his nemesis Gonzo wouldn't
sabotage his board again

before the big competition?

Or did I read about it?

Everything you've said about your boyfriend

is straight out of
Baby-Sitters Club Mystery

Number 12, colon, Dawn
and the Surfer Ghost.

Isn't that right, Kelea?

Or should I say, Xan?

How did you know that?

I only had two books with me down in the...

reading nook when I was growing up

and this was one of them.

You cannot tell anyone about this.


It'd be a shame if Simone
or Vidalia were to find out

your story was a lie,

a lie taken from a book
for middle schoolers.

That's not true.

Those books are recommended for 12 and up.

"And up," Kimmy!

Go to your room, Xan,

'cause you're fudging grounded.

I hate you!

This is for your own good.

You're a kid, and childhood is precious.

It's okay that you're a virgin.

What is your deal?

What kind of 29-year-old
woman wears light-up Skechers?

This isn't over.

I'm gonna figure you out, Kimmy,

and then I'm gonna destroy you.

I know you are...

but what am I?

Mrs. Voorhees?

Oh, Kimmy, perfect.

I forgot to actually fire you earlier.

Anyway, you're fired.

Just clean up downstairs

and rotate the mattresses before you leave.


but just so you know, I grounded Xan.

She's in her room listening to a rock tape,

and Buckley is downstairs having
the best birthday of his life.

Die, Iron Man! Die!


Did you really do all that?

I did.

I'm sorry that the party
wasn't what you wanted it to be.

It's not your fault.

I know I must seem crazy.

I just thought that if today were perfect,

it would make a difference.

Kimmy, I think my
marriage is falling apart.

Please, not in the crotch!

It was supposed to be a two-week trip,

but Julian's been gone for two months.

I was sure he was gonna come back for this.

And then he'd see me
being the perfect mother

and the perfect wife,

and then later in the
evening, the perfect foot slut.

You know, who among us
is a perfect foot slut?

I know.

Julian's probably cheating on me...

not with Fat Rhonda, obviously,

but he's been in Japan a lot lately.

You can get a mistress in
a vending machine there.

Kimmy, what's happening to me

is the worst thing that's ever
happened to any woman ever.

Mrs. Voorhees...

do you think you can make it
through the next ten seconds?

I guess so.

Is it over?

No, but it will be very soon.

And then you start on the next ten seconds.

Just take it ten seconds at a time.

Everything will be okay.

Oh, Kimmy, what would I do without you?

You're my best friend.

Well, why don't you get some rest,

Mrs. Voorhees?


Kimmy, where do you think you're going?

I need human contact.

Spoon me.


One, two, three,

four, five...


Look, look, look, look, look, look.

Iron Man is sorry, Professor Genocide.

I mean, you should blow up the hospital.

So... truce?


Aw, damn it.

What white bitch got him golf clubs?

You okay out there, Titus?

I've made less for worse.

Thanks, Kimmy! Awesome party.

Good night, everybody!