Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Kimmy's in a Love Triangle! - full transcript

Kimmy decides between Dong and Logan. Xanthippe finds out that she has to move to Connecticut to live with her mother. Titus gets a straight coach to help him get an acting gig.

Okay, open on Kimmy and Titus
walking down the street.

Titus, looking amazing:

How's your little love triangle going?

Nope. Next topic.

How dare you?

For the last three months, it's been,

"What's the Internet? Who's that guy?

What's Tilda Swinton?"

And I have told you:

"Tubes, the president, and no one knows."

And now you have something
juicy happening...

Look, this is not fun for me.

I mean, Logan got into a fight with Dong,

because Dong likes me?

Enjoy the attention, woman.

The last time I had two
men fighting over me,

I was a table at a Fire
Island arm wrestling match.

Enjoy it? I feel sick to my stomach.

I mean, what do I even say to them?

Is that dolphin with a bow on it?

No, you wouldn't say that.

Wait. What?

Kimmy, I wanted to
apologize for last night.

I recalled that you said you like dolphins.

Oh, don't worry. He can breathe.

He's a mammal.

- Where would I even put it?
- Make it stop looking at me!

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

That's gonna be, uh...

you know, a fascinating transition.

♪ Damn it ♪

Kimmy, I truly regret my behavior,

but I think I reacted that way

because I really care about you.

Well, what would the Care Bears
say about how you show it?

It would depend on the bear, Kimmy.

The point is, I overreacted.

I'm just not used to obstacles.

When I summited Mount Everest,

I did it in my daddy's private blimp.

To be honest, I've never even

seen the inside of a public blimp.

What can I say?

I'm a bit of a Daddy's Boy.

- Is that a thing?
- Of course it is.

You've heard of a Mama's Boy, right?

Although frankly I don't see the appeal.

Look, you're my boyfriend.

Dong is just my friend.

But he wants more than that.

He wants to shoop, baby.

- Shoop.
- I know.

So I will tell him that I picked you.

You have to do more than that.

You need to cut him off completely.

You want me to tell Dong that
we can't be friends anymore?

It's for his sake.

If you stay friends, he's
always gonna want more.

Better to just end it now.

And you know what I find
helps soften bad news?

A British accent.

The dolphin died on the sidewalk.

'Ello, Dong, me lad!


I am rather not your friend anymore.

Tea time!

I don't know if I can do this.

This place is hilarious.

It's so funny

what people who have never
been kidnapped think is scary.

Talking crows?

I would have loved to meet a talking crow.

Death looms over us all.

Did I tell you? I auditioned to
be a replacement mad scientist?

He gets a monologue,

and he doesn't have to
clean the ladies' room.

Women are disgusting, BT-dubs.

Titus, I'm so excited for you.

I'm exciting.

Now, who got the role of Kimmy's boyfriend?

I've officially picked Logan.

Okay. Great.


Is it gonna be up to me to
teach you about birth control?

Probably. But not yet.

On our third date, Logan
and I had a mishap.

Can we take this to the next level?

Of course.

Oh, my spine! My...

Apparently all the stuff I
thought I knew was way wrong.

He passed out for a second.

So I told him I want to wait a while.


That's why he went full dolphin for you.

I bet nobody's made that
rich boy wait for anything.

Titus, do you think it's weird

that Logan wants me to stop
being friends with Dong?

Honestly, no.

There's nothing worse than thinking

you have a shot at something

when everyone else knows that ship...

Ladies and gentlemen,

your attention please.

Hold up. Is that Rick?

There is a creature on the loose

in this establishment!

This monster was once
my beloved creation...

Brought to life
with the electrokinesis

of my own heartbeat.

Other men of my profession
may tell you I am mad.

Am I mad? Am I mad?!

I am mad.

When I auditioned to be Dr. Van Peebles,

you told me, and I don't
quote, I was amazing.

But then you cast Rick?

I don't know what to tell you, Titus.

Dr. Van Peebles has to play as straight.

I mean, the show ends with him
marrying The Cyclops Bride.

Good show, Rick.

I don't know, honey.

Have you tried talking the
batteries out of the remote

and putting them back in?

Well, don't cry.

Come on, Michael.



Why, he's as gay as I want to be.

We are here today to discuss
the terms of the divorce

of Julian and Jacqueline Voorhees.

Thank you for joining me. I
know you're both very busy.

- Wait. What?
- They're getting divorced?

I have been authorized to assure you

that it's not your fault,

they don't love you any less,

grown-up relationships are complicated,

et cetera, et cetera.


Great, now if you would initial here

to indicate that you received a hug.

And here to acknowledge
that you were comforted.


Wait, what's the deal with custody?

What is the deal with custody?

It's funny, 'cause it's true, Xan.

Oh, you're really asking. Hold on.

You know what? I know it's back here.

It's one of these.

Honestly, Titus, I was just like you.

I was always getting typecast

as the funny gay guy who
works at the police station.

That's not even a thing.

Or the sassy best friend
who makes up words.

Like "snowbesity."

It's when you don't know
if someone's fat or not

'cause they're wearing a winter coat.

But then I turned my career around,

thanks to Le Loup.

For realsies?

For realisingtons.

He's tough, but last
month, I booked a radio ad

for a paintball range.

The straightest of all weekend activities.


My parents are getting divorced.

Two Christmases! Yes!

You bitch.

A female dog? The thing that makes puppies?

Nice compliment, Xan.

Why would you tell Jacqueline
to divorce my dad?

Now she's stripping our
Hamptons house for copper wire,

and I have to go live in Connecticut

with my mom and Roger
and their gross babies.

Okay, first of all,

I never made your stepmom do anything,

except for the time she made
me make her eat a peanut M&M.

Whoa, that's a big phone.

How has my life been ruined
by someone so stupid?

Hi, Mom.

Xanthippe, you look tired.

How are your BMs?

Mom, jeez.

Well, there's my answer.

So are you all packed?

Remember, it's colder here
than it is in the city.

Do you have enough corduroy slacks

with the little waterfowl stitched in them?

What? No.

The lawyer said I don't move
until the end of the semester.

Yes, but I'm going to be
putting up my jams that week,

so I'm coming to get you tomorrow.

What? No.

No, you can't do that.

My God, Xanthippe.

The histrionics are not
going to fly in this house,

especially around the quintuplets.

And Roger has taken up

mental golfing where he uses his mind

to play some of the world's
most famous courses.

So I really hope we're getting

the nice quiet Xan,

the one we knew before
she invented teen angst.

Helene, please!

I'm playing St. Andrews,
and it's very windy.

This is BS.

The only BS around here
is butternut squash,

one of the dozens of
varieties of squash I grow.

I hope you like squash.

Also, tomorrow we're playing squash

against the Squashes.

See you then.

I can't live there.

I just need to talk to my father.

He can't say no to his Daddy's Girl.

Oh, see, that sounds like a thing.

But he's at his Captain Phillips
fantasy camp until Monday.

I need to stall.

You! You have to help me.

Uh, no. This is none of my beeswax.

I don't want to interfere.

Kimmy, put yourself in my shoes.

Oh, my God! Not literally.

It's like talking to a chicken.

Imagine you're 15,

and one day your whole
life gets taken from you:

your school, your friends,

your dad's friend who buys you jewelry

if you send him your old retainers.

Okay, Xan. What are we gonna do?

We're gonna make my mom refuse

to take me back to Connecticut.


Mr. Le Loup?

Hello. Hi.

Rick Barnes gave me your name.

He said that you work with actors

to help them "ass-pay."

That was Pig Latin for "pass."

Why would I try Pig Latin
for the first time ever

right now anyways?

So stupid.

I can't work with you.

- What?
- You have no potential.

Get out.

But I rode a bus to get here.

A bus that went over a drawbridge.

Fine. I don't need you!

Bye, Felicia!

Very good.

You yelled. You denied help.

You broke something.

That's your first lesson

in behaving like a straight man.

Your second lesson...

Is that he is not Le Loup.

- Hey.
- Yeah, what's up?

Bye, Felicia.

I'm gonna break you down,

but by the time I put you back together,

you're gonna be pulling shorts
out of the dirty laundry

and eating wings on the
crapper without even trying.


Training begins immediately,

because tomorrow you have an audition

for Entourage 2.

Entourage 2?

I can't. Those guys are so straight.

Almost too straight.

Like they're compensating for something?

- Yeah.
- Two of them are.

Wait, are those former
clients or role models?

It begins now!

I'm sorry, Dong, but...

Oy! We're not mates.

I'm with Logan now. Get off of the barbie!

That's not British.

This is-a
how you talka the British.

I'ma soften the blow by
a-talka the British.

Okay, that's good.

I'm so sorry, Hu Zha Qi.

This is your fault.

I hope you die, become ghost,

fly around the room.

That make everybody happy.

Kimmy, what are you doing here?

What happened? Where is everyone?

Immigration raided the restaurant.

They took everyone...

Cooks, waiters, dishwashers.

I was out on a delivery,

or else they would have gotten me too.

Thank God Fordham Law school
students smoke so much weed.

Dong, that's so scary.

And the owner says that they
came here looking for me.

You can't stay here. Go home!

This is my home!

Hu Zha Qi let me sleep on the grill.

If you time it right, it's very cozy.


Almost forgot this.

If we don't give you a receipt,

then the whole raid is free.

And if that Dong Nguyen comes back,

you guys let us know.

You got it, chief.

That's it. You're coming with me.

You can sleep on the couch.

Oh, no. Is that my leg hole?

It's okay.

I'm pretty good friends

with the pregnant raccoon
who lives in there.

Kimmy, I'm afraid I ruined
everything between us.

Look, Dong, it's not anyone's fault.

It's just, I have so much fun with you.

Remember when we took the
tram to Roosevelt Island?

And we realized it was just
one wire holding us up?

We started screaming and screaming,

and then all the commuters
started screaming too.

Because they were seeing
it through our eyes.

And we agree on everything, Kimmy.

Like how it's so weird that people

want to "eat local."

Yeah, I don't want to eat
a bird I might know.

And what's with all the bottled water?

Why is everyone so thirsty all the time?

"Duh, I've been awake for one second.

I better have some water."

"Oh, I better carry my water with me

while I walk to the water store."

Listen, Dong, I need you to know...

that Logan is my boyfriend,

so you and I...

will just be friends.

Okay. Friends.

Hello, Sugar Walls.


All right. Hi.

Listen, my parents are
blimping into town tomorrow,

and I would love it if you
would join us for dinner.

Your parents? Boy.

Okay. Sure.


So they're landing sometime
between 4:00 and 7:00,

somewhere between 45th
Street and Bucks County.

Easy, girl.


I can't wait for you to meet Mom,

but especially Daddy.

Oh, Kimmy,

I'm so glad we were able to put

all that unpleasantness behind us.

Uh... me, too.

Till then.

Come on, darling.

That's right. Come on.

Oh, my God. Kimmy.

This is your apartment?

You're so poor. It's perfect.

two straight men attend a movie.



You leave a buffer seat.

you're thirsty. Go.


Straight men don't drink through straws.

It looks like you're
a leprechaun's.


I'm a coworker,

telling you a sad story
at a bar after work.

I go, "My wife, she's so sick.

She got Ebola from a toilet seat."


First of all, you're drinking beer.

And straight men never give any indication

they're listening.

They don't even nod.

Now, you listen, stone-faced, like a man,

no matter what!

Elton John just died.

I like acid-washed jeans.

Madonna is overrated!

Xanthippe Lannister Voorhees,

if this is your idea of a joke,

you belong in a Woody Allen film

because I am not laughing.

I am at the address you sent me.

I'm going to ring the buzzer,

but if I get murdered,

for God's sake,

drag my body below 96th Street,

then call the police.

Okay, that's her.

Far out.

You must be Xan's old lady.

Is this a root cellar?

Hey, Mom.

is my room in Connecticut

big enough for my drum set?

What is going on here, young lady?

Get in the car!

But my black boyfriend

is coming by with rum.

What's up, fellow prostitutes?

Where's all the money from
the drugs you smoked?

Be cool, man.

Not in front of my mom.

Kimmy, pay Cobra.

Uh, but I don't have any money.

Then pay him with your body.

Oh, good God.

Hey! Hands off my girlfriend.

And you're dating a gay guy?


I told him he could stay in
Grandmère's old room in Connecticut.

No, no. I don't think so.

I'm taking you back to the townhouse

and letting your father deal with you.

Even Le Loup can't help me.

I'll never be E's wingman
at the vodka release party.

Kimmy, I don't think I
can just be your friend.

What are you saying?

I can't pretend I don't have
feelings for you anymore.

I'm sorry.

I can't stay here.

But where are you gonna go?

Probably the Mount Airy Lodge.

The commercial says all I have to bring

is my love of everything.

And that's all I have.

Hey! Messy Marvins!

No underage drinking on my watch.

Actually, I have a note from my parents

that says if it's over $75 a
bottle, it's educational.

What? No. Go do a puzzle or something.

Oh, my God. Classic whoever-you-are.

I saved your life once.

Hey, Kimmy.

I just want to thank you, seriously.

I get to stay in Manhattan.

If you had friends, you'd
understand what this feels like.

You're welcome.

It's soda.

I kind of hate Merlot.

Hey, Xan, this is weird,

but have you ever been in
a love triangle before?

That Lucite pyramid in Jacqueline's room?

Or are you saying two guys are into you?

Because either way, gross.

A friend of mine told me that he liked me,

and I think I may have
screwed everything up.

Well, you know that I've
never, like, had a boyfriend.

I mean, I made out with
Cheshire a couple times,

and I think he's gonna break up with Gengi

because she's his adopted sister.

Oh, my God. He doesn't like me.

He's just using me so his
parents don't find out

he's hooking up with his sister.

Xan, go open another bottle.

Terry, I'll have a beer drink.

I'm not working today.

I have an audition for Entourage 2.


Oh, I'll never pass.

"Yo, if her face is half
as good as her ass,

I'm gonna greenlight her back
nine with my front four."

Oh, yi-yi-yi.

Commit, Titus.


"Yo, if her face is good as her ass,

I'm gonna greenlight her back
nine with my front four."

Hey, what'd you say?

Me? Nothing.


Did you think I was hitting on her?

Yeah, horn dog, I do.

Well, tell your lady

I want to greenlight her chest with...

And bang stuff.


I'm passing for straight.

I'm passing for straight!

I'm passing for straight!

Of course you are.

You've always been able to
pass for straight, Titus.

The only person you needed to audition for

was yourself.

You mean?

There is no Entourage 2 audition.

There is no Entourage 2.

Oh, thank God.

There is no Entourage 2!

There is no Entourage 2!

I can't find my phone.

Dude, come over here.

I'm cyber-bullying Mr. Finkel.

I'm pretending to be his ex-wife,

and he's buying it.

"If you still love me, come over right now

and kill my boyfriend."

Xanthippe, what is going on?

What are you doing here?

I did!

I couldn't really hear in there.

Did your mom not just say,

"If you didn't send these texts
from your phone, who did?"

What the hell are you doing?

Mrs. Xan's Real Mom, I'm not a crack whore.

I'm Kimmy.

You texted me?

That explains why you
spelled "Xanthippe" wrong.

No. Wrong. Stop.

The point is,

we tricked you earlier.

That wasn't a crack den.

That was...

the home of some loser I know.

She's crazy, mom

From the drugs.

I only did it because I
thought I was helping

your daughter,

keeping her from having
her life tooken away.

I'm sorry, did you just say
"tooken" instead of "taken"?

Of course not.

But then I realized,

her friends are just the worst.

Simone is a pathological liar.

Jay Z is at my house, but he's really busy.

You can't meet him.

But Xan is a good kid.

I know.

My brother's, like, borderline everything,

and I stole these from his bathroom.

Should we just see what happens?

That's a lie!

I'm super high.

I'm, like, seeing colors.

Oh, my God.

After I saw that,

I did some snooping.

I found Xan's report card in her room.

Straight As? AP Latin?

Also, she plays the oboe in band.

Not in a band.

In band.

And when I saw this next one,

even I couldn't help but think,

"Man, this nerd is lame."

It's her waterproof birding journal.

You saw a Thick-Billed Murre? Where?

Mom, I don't want to talk about it right...

It was at Turtle Pond. It was glorious.

Mrs. Mr. Voorhees' First Wife,

not only do I think it will be good for Xan

to be in Connecticut,

I think it will be good for
Connecticut to have Xan.

I am gonna get you back for this.

I don't care how long it takes.

I will learn everything
Connecticut can teach me

about revenge, and I will make you pay!

Oh, don't you look lovely.


You also don't look lovely.


So here we go.

Meeting the parents.

With no obstacles.


It's like at school,

when I used to run the hurdles,

but they would remove all my hurdles.

That way I almost always won.

Yeah. Dong's out of the picture.

He's not even in New York anymore.

He's not even in the United States.

What are you talking about?

Do you know about the immigration thing?


All right, look, I'm not
ashamed to admit it.

I called them.


Kimmy, that man attacked me.

And he was in the country illegally.

Daddy said I should tell.

That's horrible!

I want you to leave.

Are you kidding?

Kimmy, I'll allow that perhaps

it was a tad extreme,

but I did it for us.

There is no us.

And there's no such thing as a Daddy's Boy.

Oh, really?

Then what about the 1938
musical Daddy's Boy?

About a sailor who gets off
his ship after months at sea

and goes straight to visit his daddy.

Get out.



I guess you can forget!


Dong, wait!

Kimmy, what are you doing here?

You can't go,

'cause you're not some Daddy's Boy

who tries to dolphin me and then blimps.

I understand all those words separately.

You're kind,

and you're funny,

and both our names mean "penis."

And I don't want to be your friend either,

'cause I like you.

I mean... I like you, like you.

But I'm getting on a bus bus.


Logan is out of the triangle.

It's now just a regular biangle.

You mean a line?

We need to work on your geometry, Kimmy.

That's right. We do.

So you'll stay?

I want to, but immigration
is looking for me.


It took the police 15 years to find me.

Nothing. Hi. Gilligan!

Kimmy, if we want to date,

just to be safe, we should
probably get married first.

A Dong says what?

I know, it's pretty crazy,

but just think about it, okay?

No pressure. But I'm in jeopardy every day.

♪ Daddy's Boy ♪

♪ I'm just a silly little Daddy's Boy ♪

♪ Daddy's Boy ♪

♪ He's got a daddy that
he brings such joy ♪

♪ My daddy's tall and sweet ♪

♪ Like a candy cane ♪

♪ And when we walk down the street ♪

♪ We refuse to explain ♪

♪ How a Daddy's Boy ♪

♪ And a Daddy's Boy's Daddy ♪

♪ And a Daddy's Boy's Daddy's Daddy ♪

♪ Could love each other so ♪

And that's how the 1938 musical train wreck

Daddy's Boy ends, mid-song,

as the crew refused to continue
working on the production.

Coming up next, an encore
presentation of Daddy's Boy.

No! We had a deal!

Well, well, well,

what do we have here?

Two little lovebirds canoodling
behind a dustbin, and...

Oh, oh, I beg your pardon, sirs.

My Eldridge and I

were just doing some calisthenics.

I need to be

my trimmest, officer.

See, I report for duty in Cape May,

in, well, less than 24 hours.

Can you begrudge a father

one last romp with his boy
before the Navy ruins him?

My apologies to you

and your adult son, sir.

I mistook you for a pair
of common street screwers.

Not to worry, my good man.

It's like my grandpapa always told me...

♪ Listen to the twiddle of
the little dickie-bird ♪

♪ Sometimes what you think you hear ♪

♪ Is not quite what you heard ♪

♪ "Twiddle-dee, twit-twoo" ♪

♪ Means "I love you" ♪

♪ "Tweet-twoo, twidle-dee" ♪

♪ Means "get off of me" ♪

♪ "Tweetie, tweetie, tweetie" ♪

♪ Means "you're my little sweetie" ♪

♪ "Twattie twittie twittle" ♪

♪ Means "to your right a little" ♪

♪ Oh, dickie-bird, dickie-bird ♪

♪ Dickie-bird do ♪

♪ Trying to tell you that I love
you like the dickie-bird do ♪

Extry, extry! Read all about it!

Germany mounts offensive against Poles.

I must go!

Good night, everybody!