Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Kimmy Goes Outside! - full transcript

Imprisoned by a cult leader as a teenager, Midwesterner Kimmy is freed after 15 years. The first thing she decides to do is move to New York.

Merry Christmas, sisters.

Just beautiful, Sister Kimmy.

Now, which one of you guys have been chosen

as my Secret Santa?

We can't not tell, Sister Kimmy.

Then 'twouldn't be a secret. Duh.

♪ Apocalypse, apocalypse ♪

♪ We caused it with our dumbness ♪

Oh, no. Oh, no! Fire monsters!

Let's go! Let's go!

- Move, move, move!
- We found them!

Kimmy, I think we counted wrong.

- It's not Christmas.
- But it's here.

It's all still here.

A miracle today
in Durnsville, Indiana.

Four women rescued from an
underground apocalypse cult

allegedly run by self...

Proclaimed messiah Reverend
Richard Wayne Gary Wayne,

best known to Yelp users in this area...

As Durnsville's worst wedding DJ.

I am now joined by a neighbor

who watched all the drama unfold,

Walter Bankston. Mr. Bankston?

Oh, yeah, what had happened was...

♪ I was outside ♪

♪ Cutting up bike
tires for my grandson ♪

♪ When out of nowhere
40-hundred police vehicles ♪

♪ Came bookin' ♪

♪ Came bookin' ♪

♪ They ran bustin' up ♪

♪ In that weird old
white dude's house ♪

♪ He had a cult up in there ♪

♪ White dudes hold the
record for creepy crimes ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable they alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪
♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

They are the subjects
of that viral video.

And joining me now for their
first exclusive interview,

the Indiana Mole Women. Ladies, welcome.

- Thank you.
- Thank you, Bryant.

For years, you were told

by Reverend Richard Wayne Gary Wayne

that the world had ended.

Yes, Reverend Richard told us

that there had been a nuclear apocalypse

and that the Earth was scorched

and there were lakes of fire and stuff.

Cyndee, you were the first young woman

forced into this cult.

Yes, I had waited on Reverend Richard

a bunch of times

at a York Steak House I worked at,

and one night he invited me out to his car

to see some baby rabbits.

And I didn't want to be rude, so...

here we are.

I'm always amazed at what women will do

because they're afraid of being rude.

- Yeah.
- Gretchen.

You joined this cult willingly.

Yes, the Reverend had bought
some of my hair on Craigslist,

and we started emailing,

and I just thought he
had some real good ideas.

Wow. Donna Maria, you were working

for a company called Happy Maids?

You were lured into the reverend's house.

You thought this was a job.

Si, Happy Maids.

15 years living with these other women,

and yet you still never
learned to speak English.

Ladies, you've been given

an amazing second chance at life.

People have donated thousands of dollars

to the Mole Women fund.

And we are so grateful.

But, honestly, we don't love that name.

So, Mole Women, what happens next?

What do you do now?

Probably just go back to Durnsville,

get my braces off.

Indiana. Happy Maids.

I go with you now, yes? I'm married to you?

No, no, no, no. No, Gretchen, no.

Kimmy, what about you?


Okay, when we come back,
fall salad mistakes.

Plus one of the Mole Women
gets an ambush makeover.

Thank you, victims. Thank you.

Good luck. Thank you, victims.

Thank you, victims.

Stop! Pull over, please.

Kimmy, what are you doing?

- I'm not going back.
- What?

I'm staying here. Kimmy, that's crazy.

You have a middle school education!

You won't make it here!

It's like Reverend Richard always says.

- We're just garbage, Kimmy.
- That's not true!

We're not garbage. We're human beings.

I have to get my life back.

Everybody in Durnsville

is always gonna look
at me like I'm a victim,

and that's not what I am.

Well, if you're really gonna do this...

Take some of my Mole Fund money.

I mean, a pop here is, like, $5.

Also, I'm your Secret Santa.


We're running! Outside!



I'm gonna go all the way around!

Oh, my God, she did it!

I'm having candy for dinner.

You deserve to be free.

Apartments, hmm.

Hey. I saw you steal this.

Where is your grown-up? Are you alone?

Or are you some kind of
tiny businessman, sir?

- Stranger danger!
- I'm not stranger danger!

I'm a stranger danger ranger!

Uh, excuse me. Ma'am?

You want smoke? Her-ron?

- Uh, I'm here about the ad?
- The roommate ad.

My God, you're here about the ad.

I own the building. Come on.

It's a garden-level maisonette.

Look at you! You look so nice.

And Titus is a very, very sweet boy.

A little crusty on the outside

but a soft heart, like
a wonderful French roll.

- But black.
- Who the is it?

- It's Lillian, dear.
- Oh.

It's gonna be wonderful

for him to have a roommate,

because he's very isolated but so talented

but disillusioned but a genius.

And he's single but very gay.

And he doesn't know I placed the ad.

What is it, Lillian? Who is this?

I'm your new roommate.

- Okay, so sue me.
- Lillian, I'm a model tenant!

- You need a roommate.
- I don't make noise.

I don't fry fish.

Honey, you also don't pay the rent.

Because I don't have money.

You know I do not want to evict you.

Just consider her, please?

What is your current address?

Next question.

May I see a recent letter of employment

- or two recent pay stumps?
- No and no.

- Where do you work?
- Nowhere yet.

I pronounce you ridiculous.

Come back when you got a J-O-B!

He's right. I am gonna need a job.

Honey, you come back here with a job,

- the place is yours.
- Thanks.

Yeah. Oh!

But don't wear that yellow sweater,

'cause the Crips'll think
you're in the Banana Boys.

It's a new gang.

There weren't any good colors left.

Nice to meet ya!

Hi, I'm Kimmy.

I'm a big fan of your products,

particularly the shark gummies,

which I hadn't seen elsewhere.

And I'm interested
in any employment opportunities

that you might have...

- Where do you live?
- Stranger danger!

Thank God. Are you the dog masseuse?

No. Ma'am, I found your son.

Buckley? Where's Hunong?

She never picked me up,
so I was just walking home.


I'm sorry. And you work for the school?

- No.
- So you're an Uber driver.

- No.
- So you are the dog masseuse?

Ma'am, I'm a stranger.

Buckley, please get in here.

You know I'm not allowed outside.


Ma'am, what do you mean,
you're not allowed outside?

- I had a face peel.
- Is that your reverend?

- Did he peel your face?
- I'm sorry?

Do you need help?

Answer me honestly. Do you need help?

I do.

It's $17 an hour cash, under the table.

You'll need to sign an NDA and a DNR.

Do you get sick in helicopters?

I never have.

You'll need to be here by 6:00 every morning

to get Buckley up for school.

Then get me up at 10:00,
but don't wake me up.

Can I just say how grateful I am

for this opportunity?

I'm sorry. What is your name?

- Oh, it's Kimmy.
- Kimmy.

Are you good at braiding hair?

- I'm awesome at it.
- Fantastic.

Of course, you'll have to meet
the horses first.

Do you want a water?
- No, thanks.

- Okay.

This is Charles. He's a tutor.

He'll help you do Buckley's homework.

Also, it's Buckley's birthday tomorrow,

so you'll need to make a cake that's cute

but also paleo.

Swedish, 90 minutes, medium pressure.

I'm going to bed.

What in the ham sandwich? I just got a job.

Please tell me that you're normal.

I need someone here to talk to.

Oh, I'm very normal.

I've had everything normal happen to me.


Lillian, why is my
doll furniture on the curb?

Because it's all I could carry.

Tomorrow real movers come,
Titus, and evict you.

- How dare you?
- You know I love you.

Lillian, I helped you take a shower once.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, white weirdo.

I got a job.

It pays $17 an hour, under the tables,

but I can pay in advance right now

with my... tax refund.

I can have his things out by tonight.


I have decided I will be
taking a roommate.

Oh, you have decided, have you?

Yes, I've decided.

Well, I'm the one that placed the ad...

Actually, I would rather live with someone.

I'm kind of used to having roommates.

Okay. J'approuve.

When will I be getting my money?

What about my money?

- Slavery reparations, Lillian.
- Touché.

You people have suffered.

Is that a real robot?

Do people have robots now?

- What?
- Huh?

That's my bedroom.

You'll be staying in my office.

Ha! I will be very comfortable in here.

It's like two Cyndees by a Gretchen.

A window. My own window!

And it has this.

Where's the rest of your stuff?

Oh, this is it.

- You got a secret.
- What?

You moved to New York City
today with a bag full of cash,

no stuff, and what is clearly a wig.

Somebody in here got beans. Spill them.


Well, the truth is, I'm from Indiana...

Oh, okay.

That explains why you're so basic.

Say no more.

So let's get this dirty
rent business out of the way.

As you know, we owe Lillian
two months' back rent,

so that's $950.

Plus this upcoming month.

And, of course, there's a
one-month security deposit.

Also, ever since you moved
in, this lamp stopped working.

So that's another $100.

Nice try, Titus.

There's no light bulb in there.

You got me! You are so very cosmopolitan.

So what do you want to do tonight?

Honestly, listen to Diana Ross albums alone

while I do my stretches
to alleviate my gas.

We should go out to celebrate.

I mean, I got a job today.

I got an apartment. I met you. I envy you.

I've never been able to meet me.

Come on, we should go
dancing someplace cool,

like Club Bombay from Moesha.

Whoo! Things are behind in Indiana.

I'll pay for everything.

♪ I'm going out I'm going ♪

Hey, do you want to party with us?

Are you into molly?

Am I? She's my favorite American Girl doll.

Titus, dancing is about butts now.

It is, girl.

It's really, really good.

Yeah, it's easier to dance.

- Yeah. I'm gonna go get us drinks.
- Okay.

Hello. I do not want to abandon you,

but I've been invited to have Korean food

- with that pretty chorus boy.
- Oh!

Yes, go have fun. Oh, hey, Titus?

Does this backpack look babyish?

It is a backpack.

- Hey.
- You know what?

You're the hottest girl in here.

As if. Opposite day.

Ugh, alcohol... tastes good. I like it.

Your hair smells good.

They checked it for lice at the hospital.

- I kind of want to kiss you.
- Yes.

Do it. I'm fine.

What the fudge? My backpack.

Someone yanked my backpack!

Don't worry about it.

Shut up. My money's in there.

All right, let's go.

But you got to help me find it.

It's a purple JanSport.

Actually, Buckley, this isn't
your worst birthday ever.

You worst birthday ever was
when you busted my genitals.

I'm so sorry. I was up all
night. All my money got stolen,

and I haven't had a clock
since my Tamagotchi died.

Uh-uh, this is strike three.

What were strikes one and two?

Has baseball changed?

Hey, walk of shame. Me, too. Just sat down.

You're okay. You're okay. You are a person.

This is your home now.

Look, you have a window.

Come on, Kimmy.

Come on! You're garbage, Kimmy!

Reconsider, girl. I was sleeping.

They stole my backpack.

- What?
- I can't do this.

- Reverend Richard was right.
- Wait, who?

Reverend Richard Wayne Gary Wayne,

senior prophet and CFO of Savior Rick's

- Spooky Church of the Scary Apocalypse.
- Foo?

I am one of the Indiana Mole Women.

From the news. Why didn't you tell me?

Because I just want to be a
normal person, and I can't.

I don't know anything.

I can't tell phones from cameras.

Even policemen have tattoos.

Pack up your trifles and whatnots.

- What?
- Get your things and go home.

New York City is not for you.

You don't understand. Oh, I do understand.

- But, Titus...
- Girl.

My name is not Titus.

My name is Ronald Wilkerson.

I came here in 1998 on a damn bus

from Chickasaw County, Mississippi.

You know who leaves Chickasaw County?


Have you ever met a
person from Mississippi?

No, but I haven't met anybody.

My point is...

This was me then.

I was cute, just like you.

Showed my teeth when I
smiled, just like you.

I changed my name to Titus Andromedon,

and I marched myself in to
audition for The Lion King.

You were in The Lion King on Broadway?

Yes, except I was not.

I auditioned for The Lion
King 20 times in 15 years

until they finally told me,

"You are not passing
as a straight giraffe."

But you are such a good
singer. I heard you.

I have not sung in public in three years.

You want to know what I do now?

I dress up in that robot
costume in Times Square,

and I pass out flyers for an arcade.

My boss is 17 years old,
I get paid in quarters,

and I'm starting to think

cab drivers are hitting me on purpose.

Well, you got out of Mississippi.

Escaping is not the
same as making it, Kimmy.

I'm very scared to ask you this...

Yes, there was weird
sex stuff in the bunker.

Let me finish.

How much money was in your backpack?


♪ No, no, no, no ♪



Take your rent money back,
buy yourself a bus ticket,

and leave this place.

But you will be evicted.

Don't worry about me.

I'm pretty but tough, like a diamond...

or beef jerky in a ball gown. Go.

Ugh! Gosh dang it.


Oh, Secret Santa.

Oh, Cyndee.

I was talking...

to my good friend God earlier.

We were talking about why
he allowed his creation

to be destroyed,

the earth of the land and
all the fowls of the air

and the sea monkeys of the sea.

And do you know what he hath told me?

That we're all dumb and bad

and that's why he let
the world be destroyed?

That's exactly right, Sister Gretchen.

Reverend Richard?

I was wondering, the
whole world was destroyed,

and everything died, right?

Except for all you dum-dums here, yes.

Then how come,

when I was cleaning out
the air filter earlier,

I found this!

If all the animals are dead,
where'd this rat come from?

Ew, ew, ew!

Damn you, Kimmy Schmidt! I will break you!

No, you won't.

Titus Andromedon!

Ronald Wilkerson, I know you're in there.

What are you doing here, Amelia Bedelia?

I told you to go back to Indiana.

I'm not going back.

I'm not gonna give up, and neither are you.

I'm trying to protect you.

Protect me from what?

The worst thing that ever happened to me

happened in my own front yard.

Life beats you up, Titus.

It doesn't matter if
you get tooken by a cult

or you've been rejected over
and over again at auditions.

Some of which you paid to attend.

You can either curl up in a ball and die,

like we thought Cyndee did that time,

or you can stand up and
say, "We're different.

We're the strong ones,
and you can't break us."

We are going to pay the rent,
I'm gonna get my job back,

and I'm going to kiss a boy.

And you are going to sing at the Grammys

with Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson.

Bad examples, but yes.

Just sing for these people!

Because that is what you came here to do.

♪ It's the circle of life ♪

♪ Singalong-a Hey, la agawaga ♪

♪ And it moves us all ♪

♪ Singalong-a Hey, la macarena ♪

♪ It's the circle ♪

♪ The circle of life ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪
♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪
♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪
♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪
♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ We've been living here ten years ♪

♪ Nobody seen no girl ♪

♪ Nobody heard no girl ♪

♪ Nobody seen no girl ♪

♪ He had them underground ♪

♪ They come out their hole ♪
♪ Looked around ♪

♪ Like a bunch of Punxsutawney Phils ♪

♪ And I said "Nathan,
is this for reals?" ♪

♪ One, two ♪
♪ Three, four girls come up ♪

♪ One, two ♪
♪ Three, four girls come up ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪
♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪
♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪
♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪
♪ Unbreakable ♪

- ♪ They alive, damn it ♪
- Hey!

Good night, everybody!