UnREAL (2015–2018): Season 3, Episode 2 - Episode #3.2 - full transcript

CHET: She's the female Elon Musk.

Serena is our girl!

Do I or do I not look like
a stripper mermaid?

I brought my own dress. I'll wear that.

I'm Crystal.

I am a student of Chet's.

I'm so super impressed by what you do.

Are we ready to get
this sausage party started?

RACHEL: This is Owen.

He could have left his helmet at home.

- My God, you're gorgeous.

Next up, we have Jasper...

Wall Street-by-way-of-London perfection.

To a superior and effective season.

She's boring! Goldberg, go.

You kiss the short guy,

you instantly make yourself likeable

and you get America
rooting for you again.

DR. SIMON: She's clearly had
way too much to drink.

I'm not really comfortable with this.

RACHEL: Who's this guy?
QUINN: He is our new shrink.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Okay. Stop. Come on.

I just told you to kiss the guy.

This is the last watch of the night.


Are you kidding me? What the hell?

Now, how did that happen, Rachel?

So, how's she doing?

She got really drunk on the first night,

made out with a guy, and then cut him.

Not the Suitress... Quinn.

I don't think she's got it anymore.


Honesty is the absolute truth.

Celibacy is a tool
which cements your commitment

to "Essential Honesty."

♪ Girl, you think you got it bad ♪

Remember, sex is a lie,

therefore we don't have sex.

But you have to be rock-solid
in your conviction.

Because if you waver, even once,

you're not ready to take the next step.

♪ Walked up to the bone
and the same won't happen ♪

MAN ON PA: Last call for hot breakfast.

♪ Girl, you think you got it bad ♪

♪ Do-do-do do-do-do ♪


- ♪ Girl, you think you got it bad ♪
- Oh, Rachel.

- Rachel. Hey.
- ♪ Do-do-do do-do-do ♪

- Hey.
- Sorry to bother you...

Oh, no, that's...
that's not a problem. It's...

Hey, uh, I... I know this is
against show rules,

no Internet or newspapers
or whatever, but...

is there any way you could get me
a little news from the outside?

Oh, I'm sorry... I...

No, actually, I'm so sorry.
We... I can't.

- We just, um...
- I un... I understand.

But right before I came here, there
was some trouble in the Congo.

Government's arresting
a lot of people and...

well, I have Peace Corps buddies
down in Kindamba.


Y-Your favorite place, right?

- Yeah...
- Yeah.

Yeah. Hey, how come I
keep getting the feeling

that you are a lot more
interesting than your job?

Are you guys having sex right now?

'Cause your nipples are showing, Rachel.


I'll see what I can find out.

Thank you.



So, five out of six, I think.

Quinn. Yep. Yep.

How's our girl Serena this morning?

I've been getting war-texts
from Gary since 5:30 AM.

Are you serious? Why?
The ratings were good.

Not good enough.

Yeah, we're still
squarely on the bubble.

I promised him tits-out sexy,

and we delivered our hottie Suitress

- in a nun's frock kissing Mini Me.
- Okay, fine. Fine!

So the story wasn't exactly
what we wanted, but still...

But if she hadn't cut Norman,

then maybe the people
would've come back to see

if the jockey would ride her,
but instead we have...

Hey, why are you ignoring me?

What is that face?

[WHISPERS] The jockey did ride her.

What?! That is fantastic!

No. Do we have footage?

- Where is the footage?
- We got her way too drunk last night

and she's finally got her head in
the game. She's in a good place...

- Serena?


Hi. Just doing a deep dive on the guys.

Trying to keep all their BIOS
straight before I go out there.

This is her in a good place?

You got pictures on all the guys?

Yeah, I used one of those
cheat sheets the PAs have.

Found it in the garbage.
Oh, I-I'm sorry.

You picked through the garbage?

I know, it's very classy,
but I had to have a system

so I can remember who everybody is.

And you have, uh, last names
and professions on everyone.

That's impressive.

Yes, well, I ask a lot of questions.

Where did you get those Post-its?

The control room.

What? No, no.

No, Serena, the control room
is a no-fly zone.

Dorothy doesn't get to peek
behind the curtain here.

Well, I did. So buy a lock.

Or fire whoever was
supposed to be guarding it.

I was up at 4:00,
there was no one in there.

Oh, I saw your security cameras
on the guys, by the way.

Saw the security cameras, Rachel.

Oh! Cowboy snores big time.

Okay, so, Serena, we really just
want you to relax into this

and let things happen naturally.

That leaves way too much up to chance.

I don't want to cut the wrong guy,

so I need to individuate the contenders.

Yeah, you wouldn't want to have the
wrong guy slip through your crack.

It's how I buy companies,

so doing this any other way

- would be irresponsible.
- I get it.

- I just...
- Jasper, Jasper, Jasper, Jasper.

- Mm-hmm.
- Jasper is my guy. HBS.

All right, listen, Serena,
I know that things got,

you know, things got
a little wild last night.

You're just trying to get
everything under control...

This has nothing to do
with control or last night.

And how about you never
talk to me about that again.

Can I get some space, you guys,
to prepare, please?


Yeah, sure. Uh, um.

You know, we actually set up
a poker game for you tonight.

Just go out there and just show
the guys how impressive you are.

Well, I am gonna kill this.

Poker game? Oh, that will be sexy.

Okay, she's on something, right?

Listen, she's just nervous, all right?
She's really, really nervous.

Well, then you need to get her hooked
up to a tequila I.V., all right?

I need her lubed up and user friendly.

I want to be worried about a
gang-bang at least 10 times today.

10 times, really? Quinn,
that feels like a lot.

Hey, Quinn, uh, I was wondering if...

It is not a lot, trust me.
I am having a conversation!

Ah, it's great to see you, too.

One stunning Suitress.

13 amazing guys.

All working harder
than ever to try to get lucky

because today, we're going Vegas.

Featuring a very special mystery guest.

Ooh! Gosh, I hope it's Copperfield

and they make you disappear, Graham.

Okay, cut! I need a reset and
deal me up, people, let's go.


All right, you sinners. Welcome.

In front of you is $500 worth of chips.

Good luck.

- They are gonna need it.
- Thank you.

SERENA: Here we go, boys.

I will warn you,
I am very good at poker.

- Really?
- Really?

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm scared, I guess.

We'll do 200.

Oh-ho-ho, big spender?

- Mm-hmm.
- She's doing great.

I don't know, she looks
kind of road worn in HD.

- What is she, like 32?
- Shut up, Madison!

32? That's depressing.

Can't we say she's like 29?

No, we can't say that.

Well... Because it's not true.

Well, say she's divorced.

At least at some point
somebody wanted her.

I'm gonna ignore
that you just said that.

We're just gonna tell the truth.

People are gonna relate to it, okay?

So, tell me Serena, how did you,
uh, get so good at poker?

Well, I got so good at poker because
Mark Zuckerberg has a game.

You and the Zuckerberg?

Do you think he really is the, uh...
the genius that they say he is?

Oh. I'd say he was definitely the, uh,

the second smartest person in the room.

- Hm.
- Well, now she's just bragging.

She is what my friends
and I call an "Old Sad."

And what what is that, exactly?

Somebody who made
the biggest mistake ever

and chose her job over a boyfriend.

Right, and now she's a mogul. Wah.

MADISON: Ha-ha, okay, fine.

But who says being a baller
makes girls happy?

If all you do is put all of your life

and energy into your job and your career

and that's all you focus on,

- then you're just gonna end up like...
- Shh!

Say it.

MAN: That means that I'm out.
Thank you, sir.

Bam! Sucka!

[ LAUGHS] Oh, my God,

I saw your bluff coming down the road!

How's that feel, Cowboy,
to be beat by a girl?

Your tells are terrible.

WARREN: That's a good point.
I'm terrible.

I'm also out, so, have fun boys.

Ohh, sore loser!

All right, fellas.

Let the real men play.

And I'm gonna go get another drink.

Good luck, gentlemen.
Yeah, drown your sorrows!

Me, too.


I'm out.

Thank you, sir.

- Out?
- Oop. That was quick.

You are good.

Then there were two.

There were two.

I'll raise you 400

plus a one-on-one date.

You're on.


I think you're going to
enjoy losing quite a lot.

You know what I'm hearing,
though, August?

The sound of your money

and our date going down the toilet.



- Whoo!
- Oh, my God. Congratulations.


you won?


Well, that was a great idea
for a date, Rachel.

She turned into
a condescending dickhead!

What's wrong with her winning?

- It's cool.
- She can hang with the guys.

Yeah, except none of the guys
want to hang with her.

It's like she's wearing dude-repellent.

Come on, let's get
these guys back in there.

- She's such a dumbass.
- I know.

Hey! Um...

Hey! Rachel! Quinn!

The problem is not the guys.

The problem is Serena.

- [SCOFFS] What?
- Okay, well, that's ridiculous.

- What is?
- W...


Listen, we think it's great

that you are super smart,
you're successful,

you can do everything by yourself,

but what guy wants that?

- A lot of guys.
- Lots of guys.

- A lot of guys.
- Look, it's great that

you go to the office and you kick ass.

Whoo-hoo! And girl power and all that.

Look who I hire.

Hire? Wow.

But the woman you are at work

is not the girl that
a man wants to date.

- RACHEL: Okay. So, I'm sorry,

and what do you want her to do?

You want her to just, like, go on a date

and magically turn into somebody else?

I mean, I-I go on a lot
of dates all the time.

Mm-hmm. First dates.

- Yeah.
- What about second dates?

Thought so.

Look, I might not be
the brightest guy in the world,

but I did create one of the most
successful shows on TV...

because I know what guys want
and I'm not afraid to say it.

Now, would you like me to tell you

why you don't get those second dates?

Oh, this is gonna be good.

I'm willing to hear your theory.

Women make it so complicated.

All you have to do to keep a guy forever

is bake him cookies
and give him blow jobs.

- Oh, my...
- That's a bunch of crap.

I'm speaking metaphorically, of course.

RACHEL: I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

You got to make space for the guy.

And you've got to make him
feel important.

Maddy, come here. Show her
what I'm talking about.

- Oh, sure, she knows.
- Okay, look.

So, if you're going
on a first date with a guy,

there are only three things
you need to put on repeat.

- You are so right.
- Yeah.

This is a great idea.

Can you, um, can you help me?

- Stop talking.
- Yes.

- No, no, no, keep... keep going.
- What?

You're not seriously listening to this.

I-I am just taking a pitch.

Okay. Serena, yes,
Chet can get you a guy, sure,

but he can't get you the guy that you
want in the way that you want it.

Yeah, but can you?

If I go scuba diving, I hire
a scuba diving instructor,

so maybe if I'm messing up
with the guys,

I should talk to a guy.

- Serena...
- I'm not gonna drop to my knees

- or bake cookies any time soon.
- Come on! Seri...

No, I'm... I will

give your strategy a try,

and then I will objectively evaluate it.


We'll work on it.

Come here. Maddy.

Well, Rachel.

You just lost us our girl.

To Chet.

Get back inside, boys!


In Vegas, when you're hot you're hot,

and Serena is certainly burning it up.

You see, she slayed our guys at poker,

but will her luck hold
at the craps table?

Let's see how the dice fall, shall we?

I am gonna add, uh...

Sorry, um, it's... it's Guy
and Preston, right?

Can you help me?

Yeah, I sure can.

If you want a recipe
for roasted beet hummus.

Oh, that's really funny,
'cause I'm a chef.

But Preston here is just another
old white dude from Florida

trying to finish his sentence
without leaking.

- What'd I tell you?

- They're fighting over her.
- Hey, I've been coming to Vegas

- since before you were in diapers.
- If I were you, I'd add odds.

Oh, wow. Yes.

That is a great idea.

Thank you.

[LAUGHS] Thank you!

- Hey!
- Oh! Oh, wow!

You're on a streak, Serena.
Play the field.

- I'm gonna back you, baby.
- Thank you.

- Let me get 100 on Big Eight.
- Oh, on Big Eight.

- You know what, count me in, too.
- Oh, my goodness, that is amazing!

I swiped a bottle
of champagne from the bar.

The sooner you bet all your chips,

- the sooner we can get out of here.
- Oh, you are so bad.

Yes, he is. Champagne bandit.

- Hey!
- Ah!


You're all a bunch of good luck charms!

What did I tell you? That's
why you need me here.

I am a man-thropologist!

Hi, baby!

- Hey!
- Hi!

How are you?

Ah, you're back.

Isn't it a school night?

- I'll be right back, okay?
- Okay.

They're no funny guys.



I actually came to talk to you.

Oh, I can't wait.

I-It's kind of private.

And you're the only one who can help.

Uh, Chet is giving
a building to Calgrove...

it is the Chet Wilton Center
for Reality Television Studies.

- Mm. Talk about higher learning.
- Yeah.

He's put me in charge
of this fundraising dinner,

and I have never done
anything like this before.

Chet told me you were amazing
at handling his business

when you guys were together,

so I thought maybe you could make this,

like, really amazing, too.

That's a pretty big ask, Crystal.

I don't think I can jump that high.

I-It's just so important
that Chet finally

gets the recognition he deserves.

I mean, after all, he is
the visionary that changed,

like, the "grammar"
of network television.

I mean, it was his idea for characters
to talk directly to camera.

Hmm. Is that... Is that
what he's teaching you?

But it's not just about his career,

it's about his whole personal
story with his father.

I mean, it's incredible that
he's had so much success

when he had such a tough start as a kid.

Chet's father left when he was 6.

So what? There's a lot of kids

that have been raised by one parent.

But Chet's father didn't just leave.

I mean, he took his own life.

I mean, the way that Chet found him

in the garage
with the car still running...

Most people don't get
past something like that.

But Chet isn't most people.


Okay. You know, I... I, um...

I got to get back to work.

- Okay?
- Okay. Uh, so will you help?

Uh, yeah. Don't you worry, Crystal.

I will, uh... I will give you
all the help you need.

- Thank you.
- All right.


He's so full of shit.

I'm sorry, Rachel. But this
whole show is supposed to be

- about what I want.
- Oh, what the hell is going on?

I want a one-on-one with Billy.
He's really into me.

Yes, because you are
acting like a bimbo.

Thanks, but I already
have a bitter best friend.

What I don't have is a husband.

Hence, a one-on-one with Billy. Now.

I say we give it to her.

She... You know, she's just
getting her groove on,

you know, getting in the zone.

- Let's just roll with it.

Fine. Let her do a lap with Speed Racer.

- Are you kidding me?
- Hey, baby...


We only picked him for the show
because he has a short fuse...

Look, he is a professional
race car driver, okay?

That is flyover state royalty.

We need flyover state ratings.

Tonight is supposed to be a group date.

It is way too early
in the season for a one-on-one.

Rachel, with all due respect,

Gary has a knife
at my throat, not yours.

So, for tonight... at least...

if you could just keep your mouth
shut and do your damn job.

And I "wuv" "woo" too.

What'd I miss?

Don't ever send your child bride
to do your dirty work again.

Uh, Crystal's gonna turn 24 in June.

She asked me to help with

your revisionist-history
ego-boosting fundraiser.

She went to you? God, that takes guts.

And if you want her to respect you,

maybe you should stop telling her lies.

Crystal and I have an incredibly
honest relationship.

- Oh, please!
- Yeah. Yeah.

You told her that whole sob-story
about your father killing himself?

You're right.

I shouldn't have lied, and I'm sorry.

[SCOFFS] Well, don't tell me, tell her.

My dad did kill himself.

Everything else I told you
about my family was true.

It's just that one other part.

It felt shameful to talk about.


Crystal makes me feel safe enough

to accept the different parts of myself.



I... You... You...

You... y-you've known her,
what, like three months?

It's real, Quinnie.

I love her.

I want that for you.

It's life-changing.

I'm sure.

I'm sure what... what is it, uh...

$20,000 a month allowance?

I'm sure that's real
life-changing for Crystal, too.





I won my first go-kart
event when I was 10.

The National Pee-Wee
Crown when I was 15.

Oh, my God, that's amazing.

Trump country's gonna love this.

- Silver Crownwhen I was 17.
- Oh.

I hate this show.

Then I went to MIT
and became a stock car driver.

- You went to MIT?
- No.

No, I wanted to see
if you were paying attention.

[LAUGHS] You are so funny!

Dan, get that gum out
of his mouth right now!

I need your gum.

- Actually?
- Yep.

- Awesome.
- Sorry about that.

No, it's okay.

Uh, so, tell me about driving.

You okay?


Nothing, just, uh, you know,
seem a little...

You know, I'm here.

If you need to talk, I'm here.

Let's get one thing straight,

I will never need to talk.

So if you enjoy getting
your barely-earned paychecks,

you won't ever ask me that again.



Fast and dangerous, that's so cool.

- Sounds like my dream man.
- There you go.

QUINN: Hey, Rachel.

How do you like watching
your feminist turn into this?

No, no, my life
is boring to our viewers.

I don't know about that.
You seem like...


Owen, uh, hi.

Hey, come here. I, uh...

- Hey.
- How you doing?

- Hey, everything okay?
- I don't know, I'm just...

I'm feeling a little bit
worried about Serena.

She's in there with that guy Billy.

And the guy is, like, such a douche.

Yeah, well, Serena's smart.

She'll figure that out on her own.

I don't know, I kind of feel like you
need to go in there and save her.

- That's not really my thing.
- What are you talking about?

You had that great first kiss with her.

I really think you should just
go in there and defend it.

That's just gonna make her
feel uncomfortable.

It's not gonna make her feel
uncomfortable. I mean, she's on a date.

- He said he doesn't want to do it.
- Will you let me produce the show?

Oh, you mean manipulate
someone into doing

something that they don't want to do?

Hi, Rachel.

I'm sorry, Rachel. Uh, I don't
want to cause any trouble.

Rachel, can I talk to you really quick?

Do you remember that dress you guys
wanted me to wear at the opening?

- Do you think you could get it for me?
- Which one? What? You w...

You want the sequined
one with the boobs?

Yeah, Yeah. I think Chet might be right.

I think this is what guys want.

Guys want ugly ass 90-inch televisions

and they want threesomes
with you and your best friend.

It doesn't mean you have
to give it to them.

This is... I mean, this is
just a... it's a compromise.

Listen to me, okay.

I totally get it, I mean,
it feels amazing right now.

All of these guys are tripping
over their dicks to get to you,

but it doesn't mean that
you have dumb yourself down.

You are this smart, strong,
successful woman...

I know, and this smart,
strong, successful,

single woman is asking you

to please get her the dress.


Hey! What's going on?

Isn't it pretty obvious?

You're witnessing me stress eating.

Right, and so now you're
thinking what's the trigger

for this girl's behavior? Hmm?

You know, maybe it's Quinn,
the mother figure...

I mean, yes, we just
were fighting again.

And then there's also Jeremy,

he's the ex-boyfriend with
all of the unresolved issues.

Or I don't know.
You know, maybe it's, like,

one of the six or nine other people

I've almost made out with on this crew.

You know, this place to me it's, like,
just full of triggers, you know?

It's like a goddamn trigger buffet!

Is this what your "Essential
Honesty" is doing for you?

Mm. No, that actually works.



I don't know.

Your version of "Essential Honesty"
just feels kind of blame-y.

Like you're using it as a shield.

Wow. And you got that after, what,
like, just one conversation

- at craft service?
- Fresh eyes can help.

It just seems like. Nothing
is ever your fault.

And you blame everyone else
for your anger.

So I'm just wondering...

have you ever tried turning

that "Essential Honesty" on yourself?

No, I've, uh, never given
that any thought.

You know what's
my biggest trigger of all?


Getting diagnosed by hack
shrinks who don't even know me.


So, the first thing
you are supposed to check

when you get here is my office bar.

I am out of vodka, and it
is supposed to be stocked 24/7.

I-I did.

I put two bottles of vodka
in there yesterday.

Well... someone must have
gotten into my fridge.

So, vodka on the rocks, please.

You got your dress... she's wearing it.

I mean, Chet's completely
brainwashed her.

That is great!

So the titties will be
flying high tonight.

No, this is not great, this is tanking

the whole point of the season.

You mean your whole point of the season.

I mean, mine was the get
one of these ding-a-lings

to fall in love with our ice queen

so that I can have my hit show back.

This is what she wants, Rachel.
She wants a husband.

But if one of these guys
falls for this version of her,

they're just falling for a fake.
This is all a lie.

Hello! Welcome to "Everlasting."

[WHISPERING] The whole
show's a lie, Rachel.


Don't tell anyone.


Fine. You know what?

If this is what you want, you
can just produce her yourself.

Ooh. Pfft!

Dropped... I'm gonna put the...

Ooh! Hi. [LAUGHS]




What are you doing here?

I don't need an invite
to visit my own set.

- Let me just get that.
- I-I-I got that. I got it.


What the hell's going
on with you, Quinn?

Nothing. I am cleaning up.

As you can see.
And I am producing the show.


Let's all give it up
for our single Suitress...

- Serena.
- Whoo!

QUINN: And look, see.

Shrink-wrapped and ready to serve.

Definitely would take a piece of that.

See, it's all good. We're fine,
we're great, and we're back.

We're back.

Oh, my gosh!

That dress, it is stunning!

What is it? Do you know? Is it Versace?

I... you know, I don't know.

But, uh, why don't you go to
Barneys, get yourself one.

- Go ahead and get it.
- Oh. Chet, you spoil me.

- Aw, I like to.
- Thank you.

All right, get ready
for a terrific surprise.

Because tonight's musical guest
is not a famous band

or a famous singer.

- It's you.
- Yeah.

You see, each of you are gonna choose
a tune from our karaoke library.

And serenade Serena with a song

that you think will win her heart.


Where the hell is Rachel? Why isn't
she here producing her guys?

'Cause she's having her
breakdown early this season?


Come on, guys.

Now, you'll do great guys. It's karaoke.
Let's have some fun.

- A smoker.
- Mm-hmm.

- ♪ I've fallen in love ♪
- Thank God.

- ♪ And there's no turning back ♪
- Can I?


♪ Your love hit me hard ♪

♪ You're like a heart attack ♪

You have a Russian soul.


What's that mean?

There's a darkness.

In you and me both.

♪ Because I can't hide... ♪

Right, which is exactly why you
should focus your attention

on someone bright and shiny.

This woman is looking for a poodle.

Not a man.


Then be a man.

- Hmm?
- Tell her your truth.

You know, show her. Your
dark side, stir shit up.

Fine. What did you have in mind?

- You're a Russian.
- And?

Start the revolution!
Blow this circus up.


How? What do I do?

- Exactly what I tell you.
- You see?

Russian soul.

Very dark.

- ♪ America... ♪
- QUINN: His vocal cordsare up his ass.

But come on, a race car driver
singing "America the Beautiful"...

that's like red state crack.


You must be very strong woman

to keep up fake-smile for this jerk-off.


How about I put real smile on your face?

- Okay.
- ♪ O beautiful for pilgrim's feet ♪

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna
show you what real love of country

and passion looks like!

- ♪ America ♪...
- What are you doing up here?

Just for a second.
♪ Vozrast staryy Soyuz ♪

Are you really gonna let...

- MAN: Here we go.

- Was this planned?
- Oh! Yeah.

I mean, we weren't gonna
just have karaoke.



- Get the music going again.

- ♪ Brave ♪...


Quinn, this is supposed
to be entertaining.

Don't worry, Gary. Um, hey, hey,

can I get another camera on Billy,

because he's gonna blow
right on schedule.

Watch, watch, watch.



Oh! Mic drop!

BILLY: Feel good about yourself?

Watch, America is about
to whoop Russia's ass.

You worthless piece of USA trash.

MEN: Ohh!

We own your country now, by the way!

I mean, he's right,
but I can totally cut that.

Oh, is that right?

- Oh!

♪ And I realized the whole damn ♪
♪ time I been missing out ♪

- Oh!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

♪ Oh, we never gonna go back ♪
♪ to the way it was ♪

- Quinn, are you watching this?
- Call security, right now.

No, come on, it's good TV.
Just let it go.

This is exactly the kind of stuff

I'm talking about when I say "too far"!

This show cannot take another lawsuit.

Well, if you don't want to know
how the sausage gets made,

then don't come to the factory!


MAN: Hey!

- Want to go?
- You...

♪ Did you get your fill? ♪

♪ Have you seen it all? ♪

♪ Have you had enough? ♪

Just walk away, mate.

Please, not in the face...

- Ohh!
- Watch the faces, guys!

Hey! Enough!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Number-one rule on this show,
you never solve a problem.

Screw the show, all right?
Nobody gets hurt on my watch.

Stop it! We're supposed
to be enjoying a show!

Stop! Ah!

- Ahh!
- Oh, hey!

You get security
or I am calling the cops.

No, no, come here, come here. Just wait.

There is a priceless moment
that is just about to happen.

I need a camera right now
on Jasper. And Owen.

- Hey, you okay?
- Oh, look, look, look!

- Who's gonna get to Serena first?
- This is a liability!

No, hold on a minute! Just wait!

Wait for it.

♪ The way it was ♪

♪ The way it was ♪

♪ Oh, and we're never gonna go ♪
♪ back to the way we was ♪

Look at that!

You cannot write that stuff! Look at it!

♪ Tell me if you wanna ♪
♪ roll with the rest of us ♪

That is what I'm talking about!

That's what I was waiting for.

And cut!

That is gonna be in every promo
for the rest of the season.

Goldberg, to my office.

- ♪ The way it was ♪
- Boom!


Congratulations on
your little temper tantrum

with street fighter Baryshnikov.

Okay, you can flatter me
all you want, Quinn,

but I'm so not back on this train.

I just sent Alexi in
to stop the nuclear leak

that this show has become.

Oh! I see.

This was a big F-U to me
because you're pissed.

But, I mean, come on, face it,

that's when you do your best work.

I am your muse. [LAUGHS]

Quinn, this is not funny.

I mean, like it or not,
reality TV shapes our world.

Oh, please.

You're pumping toxic sludge
into the minds of young women.

You're telling them that they have to

dummy themselves down to land some dude.

Well, maybe it's the truth.

I mean, look at us.


So, what? You're just giving up?


I don't want what she wants, Rachel.


You want exactly what she wants.

You're just too scared to admit it

because you're afraid
you're never gonna get it.

I mean, you went all googly-eyed

when John Booth said he
wanted to have your baby,

you completely freaked out over that
diamond ring that Chet gave you...

Okay, enough, all right?

- I'm telling the truth.
- Just get the hell out.

- Quinn...
- Go!

Hey, Quinn,

Race Car Billy got his hands on
a phone and called his lawyer.

He's saying that Alexi provoked him

and it's all a big set-up.

Great work, genius.


- Hey.
- Hey.

Crazy night, huh?

Yeah. You okay?

Yeah, thanks.

The dress is trashed, but...

Eh. To be honest,
I liked the last one better.


Seemed more you, I guess.

Well, what does that mean?

I don't know. Um...

Okay, um...

Well, earlier at the craps
table and then with Billy,

you seemed kind of different.

Like maybe you were

dumbing yourself down or something.

You know, Owen, you met me yesterday,

so you don't really know who I am.

What I mean to say is that you
don't have to do that with me.

Well, I don't really have
to do anything with you.


W... Serena...





Sure glad that's over.


Hey, uh, did you happen to...

get any news on the Congo at all?

- I didn't. I am so sorry, it just c...
- It's okay.

No, it completely slipped my mind.

That's fine. It's all good.
It's fine. It's fine.

This thing tonight... I, uh...

I feel ridiculous in a suit.


You look amazing.

Thank you.


Except for, um...

For this.


Actually, I'm working right now.

Yeah, me, too.


CHET: Hey, hey, so, is Billy
gonna sue us?

Gary's all over my ass.

I sent Gary home, okay?

I got a quid pro quo from Billy,

but that's only if
Serena doesn't cut him.

Will she?

She's pretty pissed. At all of us.

You're not gonna get all
those bruises out of there.

All right. Ready? Yeah.

And action, Graham.

Well, guys.

Uh, obviously it's...

it's been a night of surprises.

But we're still not done.

You see, 11 of you will be continuing

on your journey with Serena.

But unfortunately for two of you,

Vegas is your last stop.

But no matter which road
you're on tonight, though,

each one of you will
receive a very special,

commemorative "Everlasting" tire Gauge

courtesy of our own Billy Byrd
and Byrd Racing Accessories.

So call now and mention "Everlasting"

and get 10% off on
all of your race car needs.

So, it's just a Billy infomercial now.

- Beats a lawsuit.
- SERENA:It has been such a crazy day,

but I am still very excited to be here.

And I admire all of your...


And I hope to see more of that

as we continue on this journey together.




come and get your tire gauges.

- Alexi...
- Oh.

- Yes.
- Zach,

Guy, I can't condone violence,

but there is something exciting

about being the center
of that kind of attention.

Come on up.

August, Barry, Jamie.

You tried to stay above the fray,

and I really appreciate that.

Owen, I feel like we're in danger

of losing what we had.

I'm willing to give it
another shot if you are.

Will you accept this tire Gauge?


- [WHISPERING] I'm sorry.
- [WHISPERING] No, hey, it's...

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't worry. I'm still me.

Serena, this is the last
tire Gauge of the night.


Come on, pick Billy. Do not screw me.

We had a deal, Serena.


You cold-cocked Alexi.

And your outburst was childish.

Come on!

But I like a man with fire in his belly,

so this tire Gauge is for you.

So come on up.

Quinn pro quo.

[WHISPERS] Don't get your hopes up.

GRAHAM: Ken and Aaron, I want to
thank you guys for a great day.

Your cars are waiting.

And cut. That's a wrap.


- Hi, Serena.
- Hi.

- See, it worked.
- Mm-hmm.

Nice dress.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

You got these guys eating out
of the palm of your hands.

Thank you for your help with
this Billy thing, by the way.

Yes, well, the donation check better be

to the San Jose Youth Shelter
by end of business tomorrow.

Consider it done.


Great idea.

You are so right.

That was...


- Thank you.

God, men are stupid.


You good?

Yes. Absolutely.


So, what? Owen's like
your little buddy now?

What of it?

Well, that's your plan?

Did you come back here
to protect the "good guys"?

That's how you're gonna redeem yourself?

I don't know, Rach.

What's your plan?


- Want me to hold it?
- Okay, I can take it.

Thought you wanted me to hold it.

- Why would I want you to hold it?
- I don't know.

Is that the calfskin or the caviar?

It's actually the lambskin,
but without the graffiti thing.

Where did you get the flower strap?

It was a gift. [CELLPHONE CHIMES] Oh.

Oh, my car's here.

- Bye.
- Oh, okay. Bye.


All right.




I, um...

I wanted to follow up about the Congo.

Oh, okay, oh, great. Yeah?

So, it seems like the UN
is gonna intervene...

and the rebels signed a cease-fire.

That's awesome. Thank you.

Hey, uh...

move over.

It's okay, it's big enough for two.

And if we're careful,

it will expand around us.

See what I mean?

There we go.


Hey, do you know in the southern
hemisphere we have some stars...

that you never see?

And the ones that we do share,
they look totally different.

- Mm.
- Well...

Do you guys... You guys have Orion?


That's Orion.

- Oh. Okay.
- Almost.


Um... Whoa, whoa!

We have an early call tomorrow.

I'm gonna...

I'm gonna go.




♪ I don't want to fear no more ♪


♪ Can you make me beautiful? ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ There is so much more to say ♪

♪ But you don't say a word ♪

♪ I'm the sun, I'm the rain ♪

♪ Pull me under, under again ♪

♪ I want to go, I want to go
where the wind blows ♪

♪ Pull me under ♪

♪ It's enough, just let me go ♪ August.

Am I in trouble?

♪ Pull me under ♪



♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ I'm the sun, I'm the rain ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Pull me under ♪

♪ Let me go ♪


- You're so beautiful.
- Stop talking.

Stop talking.

♪ Pull me under ♪