UnREAL (2015–2018): Season 3, Episode 1 - Oath - full transcript

Reality shows are often full of drama, but in the case of dating show "Everlasting," there may be more drama behind the scenes than there is in front of the camera. Executive producer Quinn...

GRAHAM: Welcome to "Everlasting."

QUINN: Let's go, people.

I want nudity, 911 calls, cat fights.

Get me some good TV.

Your suitor, Adam Cromwell!

There's a lot of eyes on you.
You're the first black suitor.

- I need my dragon.

RACHEL: I create conditions
for things to happen.

Listen to everything I say
and just repeat after me.

Will you marry me?

Love is swell...

but it is not something
you build a life around.

How many times have you made me

look like a fool
in front of these people?

You want to demote me?
You demote me to my face.


- Are you taking your meds?
- Don't do that, Mom.

I'm sorry you feel judged.

- So it's okay.
- Don't shrink me.

JOHN: You want to come home with me?

Quinn, what is it?

You want kids, and I can't have them.

I won't be anybody's disappointment.

Chet? What the hell are you doing here?

I'm taking my kingdom back.

What in the hell are you guys doing?

I'm putting someone else in charge.

Coleman Wasserman, come in here please.

He is the one in charge now.

I'm not gonna let you touch this place.

I'm a reporter. That woman Mary,

who jumped off the roof
last year, that was a murder.

Coleman knows about Mary,
and he's about to expose us.

Right now, we really have to stop him.

You don't ever have to
worry about them again.

I told you I'd do anything.

MAN: We have live breaking news
at 11:00.

Emergency crews are on the
scene of a single-car accident

at Baywood Canyon Road.

MAN: Lies are what kill us.

The stress of keeping up
those lies is poison.

Every lie we tell is one step
closer to the grave.




So, this is what you've been
doing for the past six months?

Floating in the water and tending goats?

Yeah, I'm, uh...

I'm committed to this healing practice

called "Essential Honesty."


I mean, I'm doing my own version of
it, but it's like, no lies... ever.

Wait. Is that really what you
thought your problem was?


When I first got here, I was just
producing people all the time.

Manipulating them into
giving me what I wanted.

It's part of my program.

I write down all the lies
I've ever told.

Then I tally up the days
that I've been lie-free.

I'm on a sober streak.

Huh. Well, that's interesting.

But, um...

I have a better idea.

Quinn, look, I know that
we said six months, but...

I'm in a really good place.

Well, I'm not.

"Everlasting" is about to be
canceled for real.


Yes. They can't get any advertisers

because of the whole
PR nightmare last season.

I mean, people who used to
dry-hump my leg at parties

now won't even call me back.

I need "Everlasting"
to be back up and running

so that I can build my empire.



You want me to say it?

I need you.

I miss you.


CHET: She's the female Elon Musk.

She's hot, sexy, smart,

but single.

It's a plague of our generation.

Women like her, they
do everything right...

got banging careers,

they've been on every dating app...

but the more successful they get,

the harder it is to find the right guy.

- Sounds depressing.
- More like real.

This is the truth
of the world out there.

This could finally be our Emmy.

- An Emmy?
- How about we just make our days?

Or how about we start
with something simple, like,

I- I don't know, nobody dies.

How about that?

Serena is our girl.

She's the feminist suitress.

- Feminist?
- Okay, listen, Gary.

I know the brass upstairs
is busting your balls

about all this pink-hat,

female-empowerment crap and quotas.

Serena ticks off a lot of boxes.

I can get them off your back.

You do realize that your
career's on life support, right?

- Yes, Gary.
- But we covered for you.

We let you throw Wagerstein
under the bus.

But people like you cannot make
the same mistake twice.

You mean women like me.

Chet can live his life
like a walking bozo parade...

- Hey. Hey!
- But me, I'm one and done.

All right, all right, right.
Listen, it's a go.

But if this goes south, like last year,

you're fired.

An Emmy? Nice touch.

I meant it, Quinn. I got to
start thinking what I'm leaving

behind for my son, especially since
I can't see him since the, uh...

You kidnapped him?

I want him to know
what I did with my life.

- [LAUGHING] Okay.
- Hey, guys.

What about Maddie?
You bringing her back?

Why do you care about Madison?

Ugh, you didn't.

Maddie's the future, Quinn.

You need her.

Great. Thanks, Gary.


DAN: You shouldn't have worn
shorts. Get off of channel 1.

Hey, Rach. How's it going?

Oh, kind of freaking out.

[CHUCKLES] Ooh, I can't breathe.

And I've got my period.

- It's pretty heavy, actually.
- Gross.

Yeah, but you know what? I'm gonna
be fine. I'm gonna make it through.

- I always do.
- Cool, it's nice to see you, too.

- I need you to...
- It's not.

- It's not what?
- Nice to see me.

Dan, come on. Let's just cut the crap.

Let's just be totally honest, okay?

- Okay.
- We can't stand each other.

I wouldn't say that. I mean...

Just tell the truth. It's gonna make
you feel so much better, I swear.

Okay, all right, yeah.

It's, uh... It's kind of
terrifying to see you.

- Right?
- Totally stresses me out.

- Right? See?
- Yeah.

Okay, great. This is great.
Let's keep this up.

- It does feel good.

- I could actually...
- Is that...

Is that "Essential Honesty"?

That... Do... Do it on me. Do it on me.

No, Chet. It's not a party trick.

It's my life.

Come on, little weirdo.

Don't call me that, please.

What, "little weirdo"?
It's a term of endearment.

Okay, well, it's not funny
'cause it flips me out.

Come on. I want to know
what you think about me.

Tell me the truth.


Fine. Um...

you are an overpaid, uh,
incompetent man-baby

who's riding on the backs of women

who do all of your work for you.

You're too dumb to know
how pathetic it is

that we had to use you to push
Serena through to the network

just because you were born with a dick.

And I never understood what
Quinn saw in your fat, sweaty,

drug-addled ass, but whatever it was,

you wasted the best years of her life

and destroyed the one person who
is ever gonna care about you.

QUINN: Hey, Rachel!

So, that's the truth.

I'm gonna go get my walkie now.

QUINN: Get back to work!
Stop standing around!

Don't worry about it, okay?

It's just a phase.
She'll be out of it in a week.

Hope she doesn't kill somebody
between now and then.

Oh, hey, Rachel, listen, I...

Five minutes, Graham. Five minutes.

- Thank you, Rachel.
- You're welcome.

- Hey, Quinn.
- Graham, just the Spanx on.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Hey, loose cannon.

Um, would you like to explain to me

what the hell happened out there?

That was just the cleansing fire
of truth.

- Oh, okay.
- Mm.

Well, I am going to need you
to get your shit together

because Chet is still your boss,

and, like it or not, Gary trusts him.

- Of course he does.
- And look,

I really appreciate you
standing up for me back there,

seriously, but I'm fine.

I'm fine, too.




- Hi.
- Wow!

They, like, really did a number
on you at that cult.

It's not a cult. It's a farm.

It's the same thing.
Rachel, it's the same thing.

- Hey, welcome home, by the way.
- It's a cult.

I set up our meeting for that pitch, so,

as soon as we're up and running,
let me know what you got.


The pitch?

Daddy's getting on up out of here, girl.

What's the show about?

Not a clue.


Oh, my God.

Is that Madison?

What happened to the pigtails?

Did you hear she sold a pilot?

- Slut.
- Slut.

MAN: Rachel.

- I'll see you later.
- Suitress is on the driveway.


RACHEL: Serena.

- Hey.
- Hi.

So good to see you again. I just... I...

I honestly can't even believe
you're here.

- You're such a catch. We're so lucky.
- [LAUGHS] God, really?

Yeah. Let's leave the bags here.
Someone will come get them.

I mean, you're investing
in every single start-up that's,

I think, gonna change the world.

- I... Fingers crossed.

- You are very sweet.
- Yeah.

Oh, I can't believe I'm actually here.

I'm putting my career on hold
for six weeks, but I just...

I just decided that it is the best way

to maximize my dating flow.

- Super romantic.

Oh, you know, I'm just being practical.

Hey, before we go in there,
how does this work?

Do you guys... You give me head
shots and résumés on the guys?

Oh, no, no. We just pick them for
you. It's old-school, yenta-style.

- Okay, seriously?
- Seriously.

I don't get to Google them,
or, you know,

Facebook-stalk their last five
girlfriends or anything?

- Hey...
- One second. Thanks so much.


Um, you don't seem like a bullshitter.

I'm currently not.

Okay, good.

I'm glad you're here.

JEREMY: Rachel.

Uh... nap time.

Let's go, lady. Let's go.

Can we talk for a second?

What the hell is Jeremy doing here?

Not blowing up our lives.

Really? Speak for yourself.

Rachel... we have to keep him close.

He's a liability out there.

No, Quinn, he is a liability in here.

Come in.

- Rachel.

Just hear me out, okay?

I know there's no excuse
for how I was last season.

But I'm... I'm sober.

And I've been through
anger-management classes,

and I'm just so sorry.

Hitting you is the worst thing
that I've ever done.

That's the worst thing
you've ever done?!

Hey! Okay, okay, okay! Enough.

Perception is reality.

And right now, the perception is

that there was a terrible car
crash at the end of last season.

So, that is what happened.

It was an accident, and we
are all in this together.

And I've been thinking
about this, and...


I think we need a pact,
something binding.

- A blood oath.
- No, that is ridiculous.

Hey, listen, we got to do
something so little weirdo

and her "Essential Honesty"
doesn't destroy all of us.

This isn't even hygienic.

Hygienic? You want to go to jail?




I'm in.


You're insane, Chet.

This works, Quinn. Bring it in.


We vow to stay essentially
silent about this one thing.

MAN: Rachel, Serena won't go to set.


This color is fabulous.

Great job. Get out.


I look like a stripper mermaid.

What? Are you kidding me?
You look amazing.

I'd bang you standing up
if I swung that way.

Rachel, tell the truth.

Do I or do I not look like
a stripper mermaid?

I mean, this is how all the girls
on these shows dress, okay?

Sequins pop.

Cleavage communicates a certain...

willingness to participate
in the process.

No. I brought my own dress.
I'll wear that.

That'd be great, if you were
accepting the Nobel Prize,

not trying to catch a husband.

Okay, I don't even know
how to talk to people

with my tits out this far.

Well, good news...

No one's gonna be listening.
Just staring.

Come on, Rachel.



Ugh. I can't believe I let you
talk me into her.

[SIGHS] Garage door down.

Who's this guy?


Hello, everybody.

This is Dr. Simon.

He is our new shrink.

He's a little more qualified than Wag.

Enjoy him, please.

Yeah, okay, cameras in place already.

- How do I look?
- Yeah, you look great.

- You got your Spanx on, right?
- All right.

You are fat. That's why
you're wearing a corset.

On your call, madam.

Are we ready to get this
sausage party started, people?

- Whoo.
- Yeah.

May they all be blessed with thick dicks

and even thicker heads of hair.


Hello, America.

Welcome back to "Everlasting."

Please cue the first man-wagon.

MAN: Bringing in car one.

Who's coming in?

The A-Team... Owen, Jasper, and Alexi.

Doc, you are up.

Please give us some shrink dirt
on these dudes.


Uh, no, sorry.

I don't break patient/client privilege.

- Oh, okay.
- Ever.

Oh, that is good. That's cute.

Dude, why the hell
are you even here, then?

Leave it be, Jay.

- It's fine.
- America would love to know...

Why is Serena dressed like a nun?

Because she dresses for other women,

which is why she's still single.

Let's, uh, start with car number one.

And, uh, this is Owen.

He could have left his helmet at home.

We get he's a fireman.

My God, you're gorgeous.


- This is Riley.
- Oh.

My baby girl.

Oh, wait. Does his daughter have cancer?

- No cancer.
- Oh, damn it.

Mm. She's beautiful.

Thank you. You're sweet.

She's my heart.

And I always lead with my heart, so...

Bam! My single fireman
is going all the way!

- Ooh, ooh, ooh!
- Okay, calm down there, sparky,

'cause next up, we have Jasper...

White boy, Wall Street-
by-way-of-London perfection.

[ENGLISH ACCENT] So, they told
me that you are incredible.


I'm here to find out if that's true.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did... Did
Jasper just neg her?

That was really hot.

Mm, or kind of like rich-boy douchey.

It's such a fine line.

Ooh, I guess this means
you ain't the only one

with a wifey, bitch,
so I will take this.

Thank you very much.

Next up, we have my man-candy, Alexi.

QUINN: Oh, yeah. Cue the music.

Hello, handsome.




- That's a gay person.
- No, I wish.

He's the James Dean of the dance world.

He got kicked out of IBT.

Yeah, had a huge coke problem.

- We were so lucky we got him.
- So lucky.

[GASPS] I saw you dance
with Misty Copeland

at the Balanchine Tribute.

You were spectacular.

[RUSSIAN ACCENT] I'm glad you liked it.

I don't remember it.

[LAUGHS] I love this guy.

Next, we have Rachel Goldberg's
wet dream.

- Ooh.
- Behold August.

- Nice to meet you, too.
- He just got back from Africa.

He volunteers for the Peace Corps.

Yeah, but he has a man-bun.

I have a gift from the villagers
I lived with in Kenya.

Oh, my God. He's so
soulful and intelligent.


So, how long till you
bed this dude, Rach?

I'm not gonna bed him.

I'm not. I'm actually celibate.


- Yeah, right.
- Yes, it's part of my program.

Just trying to keep it together here.

Okay, that'll last.

GRAHAM: Next we have Norman.

QUINN: Oh! Look at that guy.

- A wee little man.
- He's so little and cute.

MADISON: Norman, Kentucky Derby jockey.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Lovely to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

Ooh, Serena is pissed. [LAUGHS]

Is he looking for love

or just someone to take him
for a ride on the Matterhorn?

What are we gonna do with this shorty?

We're gonna have to pair him up
with the tallest guy here,

see if we can get
his Napoleon complex going.

Maybe he'll get in a fistfight
by episode two.

He'll be, like, swinging
right for the belly button.

[LAUGHTER] Nice job, Madison.

- Good TV.
- You're such a kiss ass.

All right, everybody.

We have a lot to prove

and I've got a lot to lose.

So, let's make sure
that Miss Fancy-Pants...

- Has a drink in her hands at all times.

We got to rip that stick
out from her ass.

Am I right? Go!

It's gonna be a great season.
Let's do this!

Oh, God. Please let us
have a great season.


Your last shrink

actually gave you guys
confidential information?

- Yeah, pretty much.
- That's disgusting.

Hey, listen [CHUCKLES] hat's off, man.

You're a real-ass shrink.
That's something.

That's what it says
on the business card.

How'd you end up here?

I just needed a change, you know.

I was working as a
corporate crisis counselor

for the last decade...

clients who were at a breaking point.

Meaning what, exactly?

I solve problems... quickly.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You any good at it?

Usually, yeah.

Usually. That sounds like a story.

My last client was a, uh,
Wall Street trader

facing significant stress from work,

as well as a family breakup.

And so, what, you resolved his issues?

Not exactly.

He went postal.

Shot and killed his colleague...

under my care.


You see? You're not the only
who can be... essentially honest.

SERENA: Rachel? Rachel?

- Yeah, I'm trying.
- A jockey? Seriously?

- We're gonna have to talk about this.
- Hey, Serena, uh,

we got to get you in there.
You want to just come with me?

- This is sparkling cider, right?
- Sure is.

No booze tonight. Tell everyone.
I mean, all the people.

I told everyone. I told everybody.

It's perfect. Wing it.

Okay, guys.

Um, to a superior and effective season.

- All right.
- And all the dicks just went limp.

- Na zdorovie.
- Bravo.

ALL: Cheers.

Ugh, she's boring. Goldberg, go.

Make my pussy wet now!

WARREN: I'm a rancher,
not just a cowboy.

Oh, hoping you're not a vegetarian.

No, no, no. I love a good rib eye.

I bet you do.

Will you excuse me for just one second?

- Yeah. Right on.
- Okay. Thanks.

Want to introduce you to Zach.
He has 3 1/2 million followers.

That's so many.
It's so nice to meet you.

Can you give me just
one second, really quick?

Can I talk to you for a second?

- So, Rachel.
- Yes?

What are you doing with Norman?
He's clearly here

as a sight guy, which is cruel.

Come on. So many women
find jockeys attractive.

I have done my research.

I know that you have backup guys
in the hotel somewhere.

Please get rid of Norman
and get me someone real.

- We can't. But...
- Please get me someone real.

Rachel, honestly... in heels,
I'm like a foot taller than him.

Can you honestly tell me
that makes sense?


You're right, okay?

- He is here for entertainment.
- Thank you.

But he is very good for the show.

I don't care about the show.

Okay, Norman gives us at least
three episodes of story,

so I am just asking you,
okay, as a favor to me,

can you please, just, don't cut him?


- Jasper.
- What is going on, superstar?

You want to, like, get in there?

Yes. I am, uh... deep in that.

JAY: Okay, check this, Quinn.

Are you not having fun,

or you're just a
stand-on-the-sidelines kind of guy?

Oh, no. I'm not at all a
stand-on-the-sidelines kind of guy.

I run my own private equity
firm, which specializes in alt...

Alternative energy. Yes, I Googled you.

- What the...
- Where did you get a phone?

Yeah, exactly.

I convinced some 19-year-old P.A.
from Kansas to let me use his.

[CLEARS THROAT] Uh, which one
of you numb-nuts is from Kansas?

TOMMY: Uh, go for Tommy.

Oh, hi, Tommy.

You're fired!

Ha ha! First one of the night.

- Feels good.
- I have to ask you...

What are you doing here on this show?

Same thing as you.

Oh, you're looking for a husband.

- I am, yes. You'd heard.
- Oh!

Do you know where I could find anybody?

[LAUGHS] There's a few
eligible bachelors around.

Oh, very charming now all of a sudden.

I went on a trip last year.

I took myself
on a heli-skiing tour in Niseko.

- I don't know if you've ever been...
- Yes, I love Japan.

I just came from there.

Well, it was incredible... really.

Champagne powder,

biggest flakes you have ever seen.

Endless ancient pines.

Really, my senses were just
overwhelmed with... with beauty.

But I looked around, and I realized

that it was just me and
a bunch of strangers on a tour.

I don't ever want to feel
that alone again.

And... panty drop.

Thank you very much.

Now all of America wants to marry him.

What are we gonna do about that?


Well, I think you're going to take me

on the first one-on-one date.

Well, then, I think you're
gonna have to earn it.

I will.

Hey, Serena.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Wow. I'm glad I caught you.

I mean, this is a kind
of crowded field here.

Yes, there are a lot
of interesting guys here.

I'm only interested in you.

Norman, can I talk to you
for just a quick second?


- And this is where magic happens.

Oh, my gosh.

Wow. There are just,
like, so many screens.

I don't even know where to look.

Uh, excuse me.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

- I...
- Here.

Oh, you must be Quinn.

I've heard so much about you.
I'm Crystal.


I am a student of Chet's.

And girlfriend. You don't
have to be embarrassed.

I'm not embarrassed. I'm
trying to be professional.

I'm so super impressed by what you do.

And what do you do, Crystal?

I am a model.

Swimsuits mostly, but that's
just to put me through...


Extension, but...


Listen, I-I don't want
to waste your time.

- Well, we've got all night.
- No, I mean, on the show.

T-The producers want me to keep
you, but it's a novelty thing.

They're not taking you seriously.

Not taking me seriously?
I'm an elite athlete.

I know, I know, which is why I don't
want them playing you for laughs.

Oh, well, thank you.
I-I appreciate that.

So... I'm gonna cut you right now.

- What?!
- What?

No! Cut! Cut! Cut!

This is unbelievable.


- What the hell is she doing?
- Hey, listen, I told her.

I asked her not to cut him.

- You asked her? That's so sweet of you.
- Rachel.

I'm sorry. Don't talk to her.
Talk to me.

Fine. I told Rachel I want a backup guy.

Now you have to get me one.

I'll handle it, okay?

Yeah, you'd better 'cause
this is your choice.

You get her under control.


Uh... are you okay?

I don't know.

Can I get you a drink?

Actually, can you get me out of here?


- Great.
- Yeah.

I told you, she's smart. We
can't handle her the same way.

- I mean, you would never stand for...
- She is not me.

Oh, my God.

Is that why you're doing this?

Is that why you picked her?

Look at me.

She is not the avatar for you or me

nor is she the ambassador
for smart women everywhere.

She is the star
of a reality television show

that I have to make work.

I know.

The most feminist thing
you could do right now

is help me.

SERENA: Oh, wow. Look at that view.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. It's...

- O...
- Owen!

- Uh-huh.
- Owen.

- Yes.

I'm here to date you. [LAUGHS]

Oh, God. This is...

Oh, this is all so overwhelming.

Really? You seem so confident.

I-I don't know. I would have thought

this was just another
Monday night for you.

Okay, listen... my life is a lot
more boring than people think.

- Mm.
- I mean, 26 first dates

all at the same time is a lot.

Yeah, I know the feeling.

We had some bad nights when
I was stationed in Fallujah.

- I got separated from my company.

Saved a little boy from being killed.

- It was just...
- All right, all right. Okay.

I'm... I'm a jerk.


This place is all
a bit much for me, too.

- Pretty simple guy.
- Oh, yeah?

Just a simple guy
who fought for his country

and now rescues little old
ladies from burning buildings.

Well, sometimes it is kittens.

Of course it is.


Thank you for the jailbreak.

You're very welcome. My pleasure.

I think this is the part
where I'm supposed to kiss you.

So, why don't you?


Hey, Quinn, um, we haven't
really had a chance to talk yet.

Haven't we?

I'm just grateful that
you asked me back.

And I want you to know,
what happened with Gary,

it was a one-time thing.
I met him at a party.


You made sure you did.


Well, that's over.

And your respect means everything to me.

And I don't want you to think
that I'm just my pussy.


Then prove it.

Where the hell is Rachel?

And where the hell is my suitress?!

Find her!

- That was very fun.

- Thank you for springing me.
- Ah, you're welcome.

RACHEL: Okay. What the hell
are you doing out here?

- Can we hitch a ride?
- Yes, you can.

Hey, you.

Don't ever sneak off campus again.

- Okay.
- Bye.

We just kissed. Can you believe it?

Yes, I can. You know, I'm
the one that hand-picked him for you.

Why are you mad at me?

You just can't have first kisses

or anything else important
off-camera, okay?

Yeah, well, I can't promise that
that's not gonna happen, Rachel.

Okay, you know what, Serena?

If you don't play ball,

Quinn is gonna screw you
just to have a good story.

Oh, please, I watched the last
six seasons in two weeks.

She always protects the star.

No, she always protects the show, okay?

We've had bad-boy suitors before.

You think she's gonna think twice
before turning you into a bitch?

How could she do that?

By airing the footage of you cutting
Norman in the opening night,

not even having the decency

to wait for the elimination ceremony.

You are smart, pretty, and successful.

Half of America already hates you.

I mean, if that footage
gets out, you better hope

your future husband is back there,

that he's one of those 26 guys.

Otherwise, I mean, you're screwed.

Yes, America is gonna know
exactly who you are,

but just no guy is ever
gonna want to date you,

like, ever.

So, what do I do?

You kiss Norman.

What? Why?

Listen, because, if you kiss
the short guy...

the least expected guy here...

you instantly make yourself likeable

and you get America
rooting for you again.

Yes, or I make myself an enormous joke.

- Come on. This is not part of the plan.
- Your plans are for shit.

You're on a reality show
trying to find a husband.

You have done everything else,
and it hasn't worked.

Just give me a chance
to make this right for you.


I'm gonna need a drink.

Yeah, yeah, I feel stupid,
and I'm pissed.

I-I got a producer saying that.
that I need to shut up.

- I got another one ignoring me.
- Yes, get her drinking.

Give her another shot.
Make her take another one.

- the butt of the joke here.
- Hi, Norman.

- This is ridiculous.
- Can I talk to you for a second?

So, uh...

I just... I know
I made a mistake earlier,

and I-I didn't mean to cut you.

I made a rush to judgment.

- Uh, thank you.
- Yeah.

Thank you for saying that.
I appreciate it.

It shouldn't surprise me, though.

Honestly, I'm pretty
used to being underestimated.

Most people don't even realize
the strength it takes

to harness a thoroughbred. I mean...

QUINN: Oh! Yes.

Ride that pony, Missy. Ride it.

Nice work, Rachel.

You're a wild little filly, aren't you?


Get them off.

MAN: Come on. Come on. Yeah!








Here's to you, Goldie. Nice work.

That ass is officially stick-free.



Okay. Looks like you got enough there,

and she's clearly had
way too much to drink.

I'm not really comfortable with this.

Well, you better get comfortable, okay?

This is how we make the show work.

I can feel you guys. What?

Okay. Okay. Fine. Fine.

We're running out of hard night anyways.

Bunch of pussies. Cut, cut, cut.

All right, go on, Goldberg.

Go get Miss Fancy-Pants ready
for the elimination ceremony.



SERENA: Yes! Yes!


Dude, oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Okay. Stop.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

- Okay, let's go.

- Oh my...

Okay, I just told you to kiss the guy.

I know. And then I just did that.


- Um...
- Oh, my God.

Okay, come here. It's okay. Come on.



- There you go.
- Oh.

- Oh, I don't know what happened.
- Oh, my God. Don't worry about it.

- It happens to the best of us.
- So not like me.

Maybe it was something I ate.

Oh, I don't know. You think it
was all that tequila you ate

- on that empty stomach?
- No.

Rachel, you don't understand.

I... I never do this.

I mean, I don't...

I don't even kiss guys
until the third date.

I don't text first.
I don't... I don't use emojis.

I mean, my mother gave me a copy
of the rules in sixth grade.

[WHISPERING] God. How could I do that?

Are you kidding me? Come on. You're
like everybody else on this planet.

You are screwed up and lonely
and figuring it out.

Yeah, maybe your friends are like that.

My friends are all married
to very beautiful people

who went to incredible schools

and made sensible
real-estate investments

for their future kids.


Do you have any idea what it feels like

to walk into Sunday brunch
full of those couples...


I don't.

But I can imagine it feels like shit.


The weird thing is,
I did everything right.

I did everything just like them.

My friends say that I'm too picky...

that no guy is good enough.

But the truth is...

nobody picks me.

Look, you listen to me.

You're incredible.

You deserve to find somebody who
loves you just the way you are.

I promise.

- I'm gonna make that happen.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.


Okay. Let's do this.

GRAHAM: Tonight, half of you
will say goodbye,

while the other half of you
will say hello

to a brand-new slow watch.

With its sole 24-hour dial,
the slow Jo is proof

that minimalism and luxury
can go hand in hand.

Was that your idea, these commercials?

- You're welcome.
- GRAHAM: Serena, the floor is yours.

It's been a really great evening.

And I'm thrilled that you're all here,

and I look forward to what comes next.


QUINN: Okay, yes.

Saw that coming.

- Alexi.
- Yeah, sexy Alexi, get it.

- Warren.
- The cowboy.

Fly-over state, people, fly-over states.

- Zach.

- Yes!
- Are we gonna have to bring his nanny?

- Preston.
- Oh, oh, he could be his nanny.

JAY: Perfect.

- Jasper.
- Jasper. Thank you.

He is perfect, isn't he?

Don't screw that up, Jay.

- Owen.
- Okay, Rachel. You got one.

I want you to know that
our moment tonight

was really great.

Probably one of the best.

RACHEL: Oh, isn't that sweet?

Oh, look at the big balls
on that little fella.

You know, jockeys have...
There's a lot of testosterone

in a concentrated area.

Well, I got to hand to him.
He does have swagger.

That must have been one hell of a kiss.

Look, nice work, Rachel. Nice work.

This is gonna be a great season.

GRAHAM: This is the last watch
of the night.



Are you kidding me? What the hell?

GRAHAM: Well, guys, um...

Now, how did that happen, Rachel?

that concludes
our elimination ceremony

this evening.


Ah, so you cut Norman anyway.

- I did.
- Why did you do that?

So he wouldn't be around and
tell anybody you guys had sex?

No, I cut Norman because he's
never gonna be my husband.

I made a mistake, obviously,

but I assure you, it
will never happen again.

SERENA: The truth is, I'm a shark.
I am very ambitious.

I'm really, really good at my job

and I don't want to have to
apologize for that.

- Okay, no. Just cut.
- Everything that I've wanted...

- I've achieved.
- Cut, cut, cut.

Nobody's gonna want to jerk off to that.

Who jerks off to "Everlasting"?

Who doesn't?

I don't know.

Are you really gonna be here every day?

I mean, you already pitched
Serena to the network.

You brought your girlfriend by
for opening night.

Isn't your work here done?

CHET: I'm just getting started.

I'm serious about
this Emmy thing, Quinn.

Oh, sure. That makes sense.

This whole mid-life crisis thing.

It's not a crisis, Quinnie.

It's an awakening.

Okay, but I mean, come on.


It's just easier, Quinn.

She's easier.


What is this?

- Hey.
- Hey.


I know this is gonna sound pretentious,

but my room is just too confining.

You know, I'm used to sleeping
out under the stars,

you know, fresh air.

You should try it sometime.

You know, I was actually
thinking about joining

the Peace Corps for a while, too, there.

- Oh, yeah?
- But then, you know,

life got in the way or whatever.

- So, but yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah, it does that.

Anyway, where were you
thinking of going?

I was thinking about Africa.

Oh, man. I love Africa.

- It's amazing, right?
- Yeah, it is.

I mean, people talk about it,
but when you go there,

it's just beyond your comprehension.

- Rachel?
- So much...


You got a second?

- See ya.
- Yeah.


Okay, just listen to me. I...
Look, I'm serious about the work

that I've been doing on myself, Rachel.
I wouldn't...

Will you stop? Honestly,
you are an insane person.

I don't care about
what rehab you've done.

Do you understand?

Dude, you killed two people.


What? I mean, what were you thinking?
How do you even do that?


Because you told me to.


No way. No way. I was upset.

I was venting to you.

Come on, Rach. You know me.

You knew that I'd do something.
You wanted me to.

No. No.

I did it to keep you
out of jail, Rachel.

'Cause I still love you.

- DR. SIMON: Hey.

Everything okay?

Yeah. Everything's fine.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

I'll see you, Rach.


Listen, um, I just want to
make sure you're all right.

Really? Why do you even care, okay?

You're not even here for me.


Are you here for me?

- Oh, my God.
- Okay, Ra...


GARY: Ooh.



So, how's she doing?

She got really drunk on the first night,

made out with a guy, and then cut him.

Not the suitress... Quinn.

I don't think she's got it anymore.

- Oh, really.
- Unh-unh.

So... do you want to jump to the part

where she starts talking
about her dream wedding or...?


Go back.



I'm really, really good at my job,

and I don't want to have to
apologize for that.

Put that in.

Are you sure?