UnREAL (2015–2018): Season 1, Episode 9 - Princess - full transcript

Quinn and Rachel question their future; the final three contestants return to Adam's vineyard.

Welcome to "Everlasting."

But one of the dates has to be at my hotel site in Napa.

Done, all right?

Now just get back to work, you limey prick.

What if we backdoor a spin-off for next season?

We'll call it "Royal Love."

You get him to marry the Mexican bikini model,

and you've got yourselves a deal.

- Consider me signed. - All right.

I signed on for one season of this. One season, that's it.

I don't intend to stick around for another.

All right, let's say I can turn him around.

- What's in it for me? - Wheeling and dealing?

- What do you want? - My own show.

- Take "Royal Love." - Cut a deal for the show,

and you insist that they shoot it at the vineyard

as "Royal Renovations."

- Pick Anna. - It's actually not a bad idea.

Anna, I know that you and I have a connection.

- Will you marry me? - Yes, yes.

- I broke up with Lizzie. - You what?

Are you leaving before round two?

Yeah. I... Jeremy... I...

- Rachel... - Oh, my God. This was a huge mistake.

Hey. Hi.



What happened to you?

I...was with Quinn.


Let me take you home.

Where, to your house?


Take a real shower, sleep in an actual bed.

I'm not asking you to move in or anything.

Just stop living like a homeless person for a night.


Where's the ring?

Uh, I took it off, okay? I took it off.

No, it's too big to wear at work, okay?

- You got to wear the ring, baby. - Shh. Shh.

Tell the world you're worth 10 friggin' carats.

This place turned out really amazing.


You do this all yourself?

Mostly, yeah.

I guess it keeps me sane.

Well, you're not that sane.

You're... you're still with me.

That's true.

I have to take a shower.

All right. All yours.



It was right having you here.

I love you, Rach.

Me, too.

Okay, all right, come on, we got to be careful, all right?

I got to get off.

I got to get off. No, no. No.

I want to make a baby. Come on.

Come on.

You said you wanted to make a baby. Come on.

Okay. Okay.

Yeah, go ahead.

- Okay. - Hey, baby.

Hand me my phone, will you?

Welcome back to "Everlasting."

And here we are... the final troika of lucky ladies,

Anna, Grace, and Faith.

It's so windy outside right now.

This week, each one of our final three contestants

is gonna get a chance to enjoy a solo date with Adam

at his vineyard.

Each one of these dates is a chance to show Adam

who is the best partner for him

as he embarks on a year of construction and overhaul,

a journey that will be chronicled

in our new show next season... "Royal Renovations."

Look at that... classy, elegant, totally on-brand.

That's us.

- Super classy. - But at the end of these dates,

Adam will have to choose one lucky lady

to spend a romantic night alone with.

Because after this week, folks,

we're down to our final two women,

one of whom could be the next Mrs. Adam Cromwell.

- Hey, hey. How you feeling? - Feeling good. I'm feeling really good.

That's good, good, 'cause you got a lot of work to do, you know?

You got to get out there, and you got to make sure everything's up to snuff.

Dude, I know how to sell a location.

That's good because I want this vineyard to be

the most enticing vacation spot since God invented

- the Fijis, okay? - Sounds good to me.

It's gonna be an exciting year.

- Hey. Good morning, sir. - Good morning.

- Oh, hey, Rachel. - Oh!


Um, are you okay covering all the vineyard prep on your own?

'Cause I got to go to L.A.

Awesome. I'll go with you.

I'll show you the house, and, you know,

we can pick up fixtures and tiles and that kind of crap.

No, uh, actually, it's, uh, it's a lady-doctor appointment

- that I need to take. - Oh. Wow.

Listen, hey, about the baby thing...

I wouldn't worry about that,

because I knocked up my ex-wife with hate sex.

Imagine what I can do for you.

Oh, I... I know what you can do, believe me.

Safe flight. I love you.

You, too.

Oh, hey, Madison.

Chet tells me that you're doing a great job,

so just keep doing whatever it is that you're doing.

A year? And a whole another show?

It's so exciting.

I can't believe that they're just telling us about it right now, right?

I know. Shocker.

Yeah. I just love demolition and busting up walls.

I just love that sort of thing.

I bet you do.

Well, she's not the only one.

Faith, you're absolutely right.

What Adam needs is a real partner in this,

someone who'll really dig their hands into the project.

Not just some diva who'll go shopping

and pick out swatches for him.


Adam needs a strong, confident woman by his side.

It'd be awful if he ended up with some sad sack

with a dead daddy that can't keep her dinner down.

You happy?

Shut up.


All right, bring it on down.

Hey, so, I think we're gonna, um,

start with the whole, uh, horseback-riding thing.

All right, so, I'm gonna need a truck mount and a stabilized head.

You can pull the one off the crane.

That was official, like I know what I'm doing.

Sorry, uh, can I steal Rachel for a second?

Oh, um, we... we're actually

kind of in the middle of something right now.

It's okay. I got it.

Um, you guys do whatever you need to do, okay?

- Not cool. - Come with me.

All right, let's lift it up.

Hey, let me undo a couple of buttons

so when you're up on the horse, we see a little bit...

Oh, right, get those tits bouncing.

- There you go. You've got it, girl. - 'Cause I'm the sexy one, right?

You certainly are. Come on.

And you, caralho, are getting absolutely nothing!

- I signed a contract for that new show. - Ow.

I promised I'd marry Adam.

And the crazy thing is, I actually wanted to.

- You still might. - You said I had it guaranteed!

And now I have to fight with Anna over him?

Well, that's kind of the premise of the show, right?

You signed a contract that gives us the right to exercise your options.

Well, screw your contract, and screw you.

Hey, Grace, y... um, where you going?

Adam, you know, I've scouted this place, so...

- Yeah, I know. - Okay. I'm just saying.

Well, just h-have another look, 'cause th-this is...

This is what made me fall in love with the property.

Okay, look, I am so sorry.

I just needed to get you out of my system.

But I am with Jeremy now.

Really? You going back to that well?

Yeah. I mean, you know, he's a really good guy.

And he's good for me.

So you told him about us?

What would I have told him?

- It was nothing. - Oh, really?

You can keep telling yourself that,

but we both know it's not true.

And besides, you're the one who keeps crawling into my bed.

And the first time you did,

all we did was talk about your...

Your novel, and African AIDS babies... saving them. And...

I clearly have issues with my boundaries.

I like your boundaries.

I think they're great.

But, Rachel, you were with Jeremy,

and clearly, it wasn't enough.

You need someone who you can run with,

someone who's gonna push you to the edge.

This isn't real. We're living in a fairytale.

I mean, we're on location.

Exactly. This is all fake.

It's... It's... Anna and Grace... it's just fiction.

With you and me, you know we have something real.

No, we don't.


That felt pretty real to me.

Yeah, see, that's the thing with you, Adam.

It feels pretty real with everyone.

Where are you going? 'Cause we, uh, got the horses

for like another three hours, and we have a lot of setup.

Uh... hey, Grace? Hey.

Maddie, get Rachel, please. Rachel!

Uh, would you calm down, Grace?

A-And, uh...

Calm down?

I am not just some slutty salsa dancer

or whatever you see when you look at me.

I have other suitors, you know,

who want me and desire me for who I am,

not just for these or this.

Hey, uh...


- Where have you been? - What did you do?

Dealing with the women is... that's your job!

- Hey, I'm sorry. - Hacked apart by the Tijuana Terminator.

Tell me what happened. Just tell me what happened.

- What happened... she freaked out. - What did you say to her?

I was... was trying to sex things up...

- Oh, my God, Chet. - And she flipped out.

She went completely loco,

and you got to reel that crap in, okay?

Uh, hey. Yes. Hi.

This is, uh, Quinn King.

Yeah, I... I'm just, uh, confirming my appointment

for this afternoon.

Uh, yeah, I'll hold.


And can you please thank him for fitting me in?

Yes, well, I-it... it's very important.

Otherwise, I... I wouldn't coming down there.

Okay. Yes, thank you.

Grace, I'm sorry he's such an idiot.

"Unbutton your shirt," he said, like I'm a piece of meat.

Listen, he's an idiot, but I really think that

that was just, like, his version of trying to help you.

Adam knows I'm hot.

I have a brain and a heart. He needs to see that.

You know something? It doesn't have to be either/or.

I wouldn't shy away from the chemistry that you have with Adam

because that is a very important part of a relationship.

What happened to "sluts get cut"?

And now that ice princess is pulling into the lead, and I'm just...

Grace, you guys have had a connection since day one.

Do you really think that he wants some, like,

delicate, little flower?

Adam's a sensual guy.

Seriously, you've got, like, a real shot

at getting that proposal next week.

The rigs go all the way down.

I hope it doesn't rain.

It's so muddy out there already.

Oh, got it.


- Hey. - So, she's a little skittish.

I just need you to, uh,

remind her that she's the one, okay?

- Is she? - Well until you propose they're all the one.

Is that really what you want? If I go for her, I'm gonna get her.

That's exactly what I want.

All right.

- Hi. - Hey.

So, uh, you ready?


Whew! Thank you.

- Cheers. - No problem.

Looking forward to a wonderful day.

Me, too.

Rachel, hi. Um, I heard you were having some trouble with Grace.

Uh, no, she's fine.


Well, what about you? How are you doing?

- All good. - Anything else?

No, thank you. Can we cut, please?

And let's get those doubles on the horses.

Copy that.

Okay, let's get Adam on the rig A.S.A.P.

I thought they rode.

No. They don't.

- Hey. - Quinn!

This is a surprise.

- Pleasure. - Oh, please.

Trust me, the pleasure's all mine.


So, a day trip to L.A.?

You're either quitting or it's bad news about the show.

Well, I'm not quitting, and the show's great.

But... let's be honest.

We both know that this franchise is a dinosaur.

You need to be looking for your next big thing.

Tell me something I don't yell at my staff a thousand times a day.

"Everlasting" was my idea. I won that lawsuit.

I know.

And I have a million more ideas.

Chet know you're here?

Does that matter?

If I stopped running my ideas by Chet, that well would run dry.

I want to cut out the middleman.

Ballsy move, Quinn.

What makes you think I won't just pick up the phone,

call Chet, and tell him what you're up to?

Brad, everyone knows that you need a new hit show

more than you need a drinking buddy.

All right.

You get one shot. Get your ducks in a row.

Call me when you're ready to pitch your best ideas.

Okay. Great.

Thank you.

One date down, two to go.

But now it is Anna's turn.

The stakes are high after Adam and Grace's sizzling date.

But will Anna rise to the occasion?


So, I can just get the unauthorized version of Anna Martin?

Well, what do you want to know?

I know you're a big-shot lawyer, but what about fun?

I don't know.

I like, um... I like nerdy stuff.

Like what?

Like art galleries and books and theater.

Does that count? Well, of course it does.

I think you'd love London.

What, you don't see us living here next year,

renovating the vineyard?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I mean just once that's all... all done.

I like Paris in spring,

and polo in Buenos Aires in the autumn.

And Christmas,

we're at my family's castle in the Highlands.

So, yeah.

- That sounds perfect. - Yeah, it can be,

if you have the right person to share it with.

It's not all fun and games, though.

I mean, the people need to know that we care,

so my wife would be expected to do the Princess Di thing...

Pick a charity and really get behind a cause.

Like the... The land mines?

Yeah, or, I mean, clean water, or...

don't know, saving African AIDS babies,

or fighting obesity... as long as it's something that you really care about.

Honestly, that would be, like...

My dream, to be able to do that much good.

That's all I want for you, Anna.

You have to follow your dreams.

Umbrella! Umbrella!


Nice. Help her out.

Come on, come on.

- You... You all right? - Yeah.


That Anna's really something, huh?

- Yeah. - Ha!

- You want? - I'm good.

All right.

- Hi. Thank you. - There you go.

God, I look like a drowned rat, huh?

I think you look like a mermaid.

Oh, perfect. Very Darryl Hannah 40 years ago.


Looked like you guys were having fun.

God, it was... I mean, he's everything.

Can you imagine seeing the world with him

and... And doing things

that might actually change people's lives?

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, it sounds like a really, um,

amazing life that he's offering you.

- Right? - Yeah.

Rachel, this is gonna sound stupid, but...

I think I'm actually falling for him.

I know I am.

Okay, well, we should get this on camera.

Can you just... Am I being an idiot?

Is he saying these things to the other girls?

Come on, you made a fool of me once already.

He's only saying this stuff to you.

AIDS babies?

Jeremy's scared 'cause he's never played beer pong before.

Is that why?

Chug it, birthday boy!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

- Hey. Hi. - Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

- Whoa. Hello. - You noticed.

Yeah, I did.

Well, you invited me to a party, so I figured, I'd...

- I did. - Hey, Jer.

- Yeah? - You remember meeting Penny, right?

Yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Penny... Penny was there

the night that we all got tramp-stamped.


"We all got tramp-stamped"?

You haven't seen theirs? She's seen mine.

- Gunner, Jamie, come here! - What?

- Jamie! Let's go, buddy! - Wait, have you seen this?

Oh! What have you done?

Gunner, Jamie.

- All right, gentlemen. - Oh, no.

- All right, gents. All right. - Oh, my God.

On the count of one half... present dogs.

- Yeah! - Aaah!

I can't believe it!


Acid, right? Acid?

Were you on acid? No, my dad just died,

and this was Jeremy's idea of how to make me feel better.

Besides, my dad loved bulldogs.

That's a Boston terrier, dude.


I told you that.

We were really drunk, and it did take my mind off things,

because this guy knows how to look after us.


Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!


I want to dance.

Will you dancewith me?

Yeah. You know, I have to say,

your friends are very cool, very cool.

- Yeah. I know. I know. - I like them a lot.

I know it's not Paris, but...

It's just not like this for me on the show, you know?

Yeah, you don't say.

So quit.

Quit? Right.

- We talked about this. - Chet just made me a show owner.

- I can't quit it. - Who gives a shit?

Rach, the only job on this set

that's worse than yours is Quinn's.

Do you really want her life?

Let's get out.

I can work anywhere.

You know, we can go back to L.A.,

have a real life and real friends.

It's Chet.

And you have to handle it.


No. You know what?

- No. - No way.


Everybody! She just burned Chet!

- How did it feel? - It felt good!

- It felt really good? - It felt really good, really good.

- Uh-huh. - It felt really good.

- Umbrella! - Hey, umbrella!

Got it.

Oh, God, great idea, Marin County, Chet.

So, look at you... executive producer actually producing.

Little weirdo and I have been having a blast.

Hey, how'd everything go at the lady doctor?

Uh, great, great.

Everything is, uh, right as rain.


Yeah, Chet, 'cause that's how it works... your super sperm

jumping my fallopian tubes in a single bound.

Hey, Maddie!

Hi. Hey. Wait, uh... Hey.

Hey, uh, Madison, you know, why don't we, uh,

find somewhere where we can put these down?

- Can you take those? - Sure.

Thanks so much.

Um, why don't we take a little walk, okay?

Look, I know what happened.

Oh, my God, Quinn, I'm so sorry.

This is not your fault.

Did he force you?

I-I... What do you want me to say?

Well, I want you to tell me the truth.

Well, Chet and I were just talking...

You know, about work and stuff...

And then one thing led to another,

and his penis was just right there, staring at me.

All right, whether you know it or not,

Chet forced himself on you.

That's what happened.

But I didn't say no.

Okay, I'm sorry. How old are you?

19? Please.

Your frontal lobe hasn't even finished growing yet.

This is why I never promote anyone

under the age of 26, okay?

This is what Chet does, all right?

He did the same thing to me a long time ago.

You were just confused,

and you didn't know how to say no.

I mean, he is my boss.

But, then again, you're my boss, too, so...

So... So... So if I asked you to go down on me right now,

would you?


I m... I mean, n... Well, is that what this is about?

No! All right?

Oh, come on. Okay.

I am gonna get you a lawyer, okay?

I'm gonna help you, all right?

And we are going to make Chet

take responsibility for what he did.

Good talk.

But, Quinn...

Oh, and get me some coffee.

Ready to roll on Faith's date. And action.

Oh, my gosh! Come on.


Oh, my gosh.

Look at that.

- What do you think it was? - I don't know. Maybe a root cellar.

- Make a nice tasting room. - You know what?

- I do believe you're right. - I had no idea there was a secret room here.


Damned if a girl can't read a blueprint.

And cut. Cut, guys. We got it.

- That was great, honestly. - Really?

I feel like that was silly... Sledgehammering a foam brick.

Oh, no, no, no. I think it, uh, looks good on TV.

- Should we, uh, reset the wall? - I think we got it.

- Yeah? - We're good.

Okay. Thanks.

Why don't you guys take a break

while we, uh, set up the very real hidden room?

- Come on. - Yeah, sure.


- Hey. - Hey, there.

So, I'm thinking...


I want to win this thing.

- Seriously? - Yeah.

Faith, you and I, w-w-w-w-we...

- Yeah, ew. - Yeah, I know that.

Dang. That's... That's the point.

I don't follow. I'm not... What...

Okay, look. You and I can fix up this vineyard.

You saw... I'm real handy with this stuff.

And Amy... She could come up here,

and I could take her to San Francisco.

And I could show her that we don't have to be outcasts.

That sounds like another year of pretending.


I don't know if anyone's told you, but you are a player.

If I drew a vagina on a white piece of paper, you'd probably hit on it.

Come on.

I know you're not ready to get engaged...

To either Anna or Grace.

Come on, Adam. Pick me.

You could get...

You could get any girl that you want on the side.

Lord knows I won't give a hoot.

Adam, this could be so good.

So good for both of us.

Well, can we find out

if the last van's shown up yet from Napa?

Can you just let me know?

Faith wants to win.

What? Oh, you?

- Ugh. - Yeah.

- Mm. - She's scared.

She has this crazy idea that if I pick her,

we can renovate the vineyard, and then she and Amy...

Can run away to San Francisco and live happily ever after

without telling anyone back home.

She's losing her nerve, which, uh, I mean,

you wouldn't be able to relate to that, would you?

Considering it?

Okay, Rachel, you and I may have screwed some things up...

- Oh, you think? - Okay, yeah. But...

You know what? I can't. I can't even get into this anymore.

I can't deal with all these other people's lives.

It's just way too much for me.

Dealing with other people's lives? What...

It's not healthy for me. I'm sorry, Adam.

This is a TV show, okay? This isn't real.

- Yeah. I know. - This is ending. Right?

Well, it's not. We've got another year of this.

Well, no, actually.

I'm thinking I may not even do "Royal Renovations."

- I just... - What?

- Yeah. - You're the one who convinced me to do this.

- Now you're gonna disappear? - Listen, I told you to do it

because I thought it was something smart for you to do

for your future, and I still think that.

- That... - That's unbelievable.

Will you get over yourself? Honestly.

Okay, just pick Grace for the overnight,

which I know you're dying to do, and move on.

So just give in to the inevitable,

just pick sex over class 'cause I'm just a shallow manwhore.

Yeah, pretty much.

Okay, you can pick Grace, you can pick Anna.

You just do whatever you want to do, okay?

And then I will do whatever I want to do.

And we know that those two things...

They don't really run in the same universe.

Oh, Rachel! Great.

Come in. Have a seat.

- What's that? - Oh.

That is a mess.

But this... is eight years of ideas I never told Chet about.

- Hmm. - I'm leaving him.

What? What did he do?

You have no idea.

And I am handling it.

But first, I need to set up my parachute

before I can sling the ax.

I'm sorry, what does that mean?

I just realized that I don't want to be with Chet.

I want to be Chet.

So I'm starting my own company,

and I want you to come with me.


Oh, wow.

I...don't even know what to say.

Okay, but not as a minion.

Not even a-a right-hand woman.

Full partner.

That's incredible.

That's super incredible.

And, um...

Wow, yeah, I'm honored, but, um...

But what? I mean, come on.

We can make TV that really matters,

that doesn't make people feel like needy,

useless bags of flesh.

It's just that Jeremy and I have really started talking about...

getting out.


Yeah, he... We're just, like, talking about, like,

leaving the business, and... I know, just, like starting new.



I'm sorry, your below-the-line, coupon-cutting boyfriend

is gonna offer you something more interesting

than a five-year deal with me?

Quinn, he's a very nice guy, and he loves me.

I just think I should give it a chance.

What are you gonna do?

Go play house in his little log cabin?

Write your novel?

Go volunteer at women's shelters?

- Please. - Maybe.

"Maybe," yeah. Go, then.

You know what? Just go. Do it.

Join the Peace Corps if you want,

and see how that feels as your life.

You know something? I just don't want to be a woman whose whole life is this.

You may want to be Chet,

but I don't want to be you, Quinn.

Yeah, you do.

And here we are, where three become two.

Adam. Have you made your decision?

Yes, I have.

Anna. Faith. Grace.

I've really enjoyed getting to know each of you.

You are all remarkable women.

And this has been a very difficult decision for me.


Faith, it's time for you to go home.

I spent a long time trying to imagine our life together

and what an incredible year at the vineyard we might have,

but ultimately, I can't deny the physical chemistry

I have with the other women.

'Cause they're women.

And while I see you as a friend and I always will, I...

I don't think we're meant to marry.

I'm sorry.

Don't be.

I understand.

I want you to stay the course, okay?

You are a wonderful person,

and you definitely deserve to be happy.

Whoever you choose, you choose from your heart, okay?


Oh, come on, come on. There's got to be something.


Ugh, not this.

And now it is time for your next decision, Adam.

Which one of these two lucky ladies

will be spending the night with you?

Well, um, some may find this unexpected, but, um...


Will you spend the evening with me?


Yes, of course.

Who'd have thunk? Hope he doesn't break her.

- Hey, uh... - Hey.

Great job on the ceremony tonight.

- It looked fantastic. - Thank you.

Now, uh, get your ass into your office,

and bring your boyfriend.


The other one.



Um... you talk to the girls

when they have a problem and stuff, right?

I knew it. Grace.

I saw her tear out of here

with an entire Entenmann's cake and a fork.

No, it's not... It's not Grace.

She doesn't really want to talk about it.

- But you do? - No, not about Grace.

- Um, I... - Madison, what is it?

Well... it's just... Quinn wants me to say...

that Chet forced me, but he didn't really,

and honestly, it wasn't that big of a deal.

It was just a small thing.

You did something with Chet?

What did you do?

W-We were just hanging out, and I gave him... you know.

- Ah, I got it. - Yeah.

Um, I mean... I think I was just really flattered

because he was actually interested in me,

and nobody's ever interested in me.

Oh, honey.

But then Quinn started talking about lawyers and suing Chet

and... and wanting me to testify.

Is that something you want to do?

I don't know.

Quinn seems really upset about this.

Quinn is a complicated person.

What do you mean?

Nobody here does anything to be nice.

The quicker you learn that, the longer you'll survive.

Okay, but, I mean, Quinn is gonna be really angry

if I don't.

Relax, honey. It's okay.

I think there might be another way to solve this.

So, what are we doing here?

Learning a lesson.

Now, I'm assuming you threw a towel or your sweatshirt

or something over the camera, but... just wait for it.

Wait for it. And...

Oh! There it is.

Oh, aren't you two so great at that together?

- So... - Quinn, that didn't mean anything.

Oh, I don't care that it didn't mean anything then.

But it sure as hell means something now, doesn't it?

What it means is that you are gonna come and work for me

at my new company, no questions asked.

And if you don't agree, I'm gonna take that footage,

and I'm gonna walk outside and I'm gonna show it

to sweet, little, old, faithful Jeremy,

break his heart right there on the mansion steps.

- Quinn, come on. - Oh, you know I'll do it.

And you, Prince Charmless.

You're gonna give me a wedding.

I want an honest-to-God, ring-on-the-finger,

blood-on-the-sheets ratings bonanza.

Not some fake proposal.

And what if I say no?

Then I leak the tape.


Your reputation-recovery plan goes up in smoke,

just like every other one of your other crap business deals.

You know what? Go ahead. Show it.

Show the tape. I've been a bad boy on TV before.

I'll be a bad boy again.

I don't care.

Except that...

you don't want to do that to sweet,

little, old Rachel, now, do you?

You are a hateful, conniving bitch. You know that?

Thank you.

Now, go start planning a honeymoon, lover.

So, that is how you prove

your undying love to Jeremy, huh?

Don't ever lie to me like that again.

Quinn, come on, okay?

I don't belong to you. I...

Look, you don't belong to anyone, Rachel.

That's the problem.

You clearly need somebody with a strong hand

to point you in the right direction.

Oh, my God! Who do you think you are?

- Me? - Yeah, you!

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?

I mean, judging from this tape,

you seem more like one of our self-destructive,

brainwashed contestants

than somebody who knows how to get what they want.

Choice is yours.

I mean, kind of.

So, let me know what you want to do.



You have a minute?

Oh, for you, I've got all the time in the world.


I went to the urologist today.

Guess who has the sperm count of a 21-year-old?

Did they have to pump Madison's stomach to get the sample?

'Cause you also have a massive legal problem.


Quinn wants Madison to charge you

with sexual harassment and assault.


Madison came to me for counsel,

so there might be an opportunity to turn it around.

In exchange for...?

I want my own segments working with the girls,

helping them through their intimacy issues.

People need to see what these kids go through.


Well, it could also do some good.

And I'm thinking if it all goes well,

maybe we could talk spin-off.

- Really? - Why not?

Dr. Phil was a nobody once, too.

I'm tired of being ignored, made fun of,

not to mention pressured to do illegal shit.


- Hey. - Hey, babe.

You ready to go?

Yeah, I was just, uh, finishing up some work.

I think I'm just gonna stay behind, get a ride with transpo.

You starting to wig out?

Is this 'cause you have some trash bags over at my place?

- No, no. - Okay.

All right. See you at home.

- I'll see you there. - See ya, babe.

Bye, babe.

What's going on?

Shouldn't you be inside,

making sweet love to your soon-to-be bride?

You should talk. Shouldn't you be off somewhere with the man of your dreams?

I was just thinking about you.

- Really? - Yep.

We're screwed, aren't we?

Pretty much, unless you want Quinn to talk.

No, I'm not gonna do that to you.

Not if you really want to be with Jeremy.

Oh, my God. Jeremy deserves a lot better than this.

That's your problem, right there.

You don't believe that you deserve better, but you do.

You deserve everything. You know that, right?

Why is everybody telling me what my problem is today?

'Cause you clearly have one. Or many.

Rachel, I am tired.

I am tired of pretending that I can run from this.

You're the one that I want. These other girls are paper dolls.

- That's just ridiculous. - How is that ridiculous?

You are the only woman here who deserves that ring,

- the "happily ever after." - Okay.

Or you can work yourself into spinsterhood like Quinn.

No, I mean, tha... That's not gonna happen, either,

'cause Jeremy and I... We're leaving the show.

Fine. That's fine by me,

as long as you don't go running off with Jeremy

because he's the only person who asked.

I'm asking.


What are you asking me?

Run away with me.

Tonight. We can take a plane.

We go to St. Tropez.

We can lie on the beach, neck-deep in Bellinis,

until we're bored, and then we'll figure it out.

What are they gonna do?

They gonna arrest us? They gonna call the tabloids?

Honestly, I don't care, as long as I'm with you.

Look, I know you care about Jeremy,

and he is a nice guy, but honestly,

how long until you're folding his laundry

and wishing him dead?

You're like me.

You were not made for the ordinary life.

I can offer you the world if you let me.

So let me.