Umbre (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

Bucharest. It is just an ordinary summer day. For Relu, who works as a taxi driver, it is a day like any other. But Relu is not just a normal taxi driver. He is also a debt collector working for Capitanu', the local mafia boss. Even if at first he tries to recover money in a nice manner, he ends up getting into a fight. After he finishes his tour and hands the money to Nico - his boss' right hand - Relu finds out he has some money to recover from Giani and goes with Sabin in this quest, but things start to get complicated soon. Unhappy with his son Teddy, Capitanu ' decides to let Relu show him what life really means. In the morning, Relu discovers messages and missed calls on his phone from his wife Gina; he gets to the hospital, where he finds out that his 12 years old boy Chuckie is in the emergency room.

Boss! Hey boss!

What's with the stuffy ears, boss?

I've been screaming myself deaf
over here! Roll it down...

I got myself in a jam -
fuck me sideways!

Will you give me a tow up to that auto
shop on Vacaresti? My ride's quit on me.

Come on, it's ten minutes away -tops.
The auto-shop, I mean. All right?

Come on boss, do me this solid.
We'll have you back in fifteen, honest!

Come on, you've got a crowbar, right?

Boss... Go on, it's on me, there!

Let's go!

Come on!

What the bloody hell is this guy doing?
Hey, man!

Hey mate, are you taking the piss?
So I cough up the cash and you what?


You fucking thief. Go screw yourself!

I'll get your number, man,
fucking asshole!


All right? I'm looking for Antonio.

We're closed.

-Antonio? I've come to see him.
-There's no Antonio here, man!

-Isn't this Antonio's garage?
-Are you deaf, man? We're closed.

There's no Antonio here.
Now be on your way!

I was thinking this might still be
Antonio's garage.

Even if Antonio isn't here himself.

Hi...Come back next week, ok?
Go on...

-Take care, all the best to you!
-Are you Mr. Antonio?

That's me. Come back next week,
we'll have you all sorted then.

Hello there!

-Can't you hear me?
-I can!

But the guys said Antonio
wasn't around.

Never mind the guys, man.
I'm Antonio.

Come back next week if you've got
car trouble.

For fuck's sake, he's just
standing there eyeballing me!

Are you deaf, boy?

The Captain sent me.

The Captain sent you?

After we agreed he'd give me
some more time? Fuck!

-Tell him I'll get it for him...
-Today! He wants it today. Now.

Better yet,
you can go and fuck yourself!

And as long as you're at it, how about
taking the Captain along for the ride?

-Hey, guys!
-Yeah, boss.

Come on, you'd better...


As long as I'm here,
I'd just as soon get the money now.

Episode 1

What do you mean,
you don't have the full sum?

See if I care!
I've got expenses too, go figure!

Yeah, I'll see you...
No, no, no -I'll see you in court!

Let's see how you like it
when I seize your house!

-All right, man!
-What's up, Relster?

Grab a case there!

How's it hanging, bro?

It's good.
And if not, a little to the left.

What are you up to later tonight?
I'm going to a party down in Colentina.

Grub, pussy, a cool time!

One of my mates is bringing
a karaoke machine.

Bro, it's got it all!
Never seen anything like it!

He's got AC/DC, Metallica, Stefan
Banica, Romica Puceanu, you name it!

-How about Engelbert Humperdinck?
-What, now?

Engelbert Humperdinck.

That hot cousin of mine's coming too.

The one I keep wanting to
fix you up with.

Man, oh man, bro,
d'ya know how fine she's gotten?

-She'll melt your popsicle, Relu bro!
-You don't say, boss! I'll take it.

Hey, isn't she the one you
went and fingered though?

Nah, that only happened once.
She's a second cousin, doesn't count.

Like the poem goes:

no matter she's kin, if she's wet
and keen, get under her skin!

Speaking of, is Nico in? Is she around?
I brought her some dough.


So can I count on you tonight?

Come in!

Just what I needed,
a helping hand to get me sorted!

He said he'd bring it around
himself next time.

So, how was it?
Did he come to heel?

You know the drill. "Hang on,
I don't have it, didn't see nothin'.

"Even if I did, I still can't,

"'cause I've got a memorial service
for my aunt in Calafat's 2nd cousin."

I turned on the charm too.

I danced the lambada,
asked him out for an eclair.

Till he warmed up to me.

Do you use these lines
to pick up chicks?

It's easier with them.

It only takes a few drops of chloroform
on a hankerchief, then...

-You take them by force?
-Only those who don't go willingly.

What about those who do?

-Did you tell him?
-No, I didn't.

-Tell me what? What?
-You need to meet with Giani.

-Today? Right now?
-Today. Now.

How many times have I told you, Nico?

Stop sending me
when I've just finished my shift!

After 10 hours straight at the wheel,
even my blood's gone numb!

I'll sort it out tomorrow.


Tell him yourself you can't go
'cause your ass is numb!

All right then, boss lady.

It's not like I sprayed chloroform
on your hankie and took you by force.

-How much does he owe?
-Forty-two hundred.

But the boss wants a round number.
Six grand.

-Sabin will join you.
-To do what exactly?

To have Giani scribble
get-well wishes on his cast?

Didn't you say you were busy?

He's been cooped up all day,
see how gaunt he's looking?

How about showing some respect?
You're not alone in here!

-It's good for you... vitamin air!
-Say what?

-Better wait outside, go on!
-Did you hear this guy?

If you see some soap lying around,
don't bend over to pick it up.

Get a load of this, it's Relster!

The Pope himself could've walked in,
would've been less of a surprise!

The Pope doesn't like your type... the Handlebar Club.

-Come on in, join the gang.
-I wouldn't wanna impose.

Why? You're not imposing at all.

-I had some onions.

Pop Rica here's got cock breath too.

Join me outside, will you?

-Relster, hey!
-What's up?

Relu, boy!

They say that if an electric shock
pops you off underwater...

...your balls explode.
All that's left of them is mush.

I'll turn you into tripe soup, bro!

-Careful! Don't do anything stupid, man!
-Let's take a few steps in the shade.

Man, hold on, man!

What the fuck's with
this song and dance?

Let alone you tearing into me
in front of everyone...

now you get me back into the scrapheap
after I'd just finished rinsing!

Just as well, you've got
an excuse to go back.

I know you lot like to cuddle up
like penguins.

Nice one! There, you gave me a scare,
and a right scolding.

Bro, you really got on his tits.
What did you do now?

What I did?! He can go fuck himself!
I've always squared up with him.

Always, even gave him extra,
motherfucking tosser!

Gone and forgot's
all the loot I made him, huh?

All those girls from the Majestic,
the Inter...

...then in Hala Traian, Colentina...
who kept that whole stable going?

-God almighty!
-He wants six grand.

What, six grand?!
Try four grand and a half, tops!

Pop Giani, you're devil-may-care
with the devil at your door. No joke.

Plus he saddled me with this guy,
sharp as a marble, he is.

-No kidding!
-Do you now Pinocchio?


Last week he sent this guy after him.
He was in a measly 700.

They locked horns, so he slit
that guy's throat with a bed spring.

Then he sat there, watching him
squirm like a pig on a spit.

For three hours, till it was done.

Relu boy, remember who you learned
these pork pies from?

What's this man,
the county fucking fair?

No shit!

Pop Giani, you've gotta fork
some over now... at least a grand!

A grand shit on a stick!

If you don't have it, I can...

Bro, sod off before
I blow a fuse! Fucking hell!

-Giani, give me just five hundred!
-Relu man, stop badgering me!

Even if I had it, I still wouldn't
give it to you, get my drift?

-Giani, pops...
-I've had it! Bye-bye, baby, I'm gone!

I'm off, eat my dust!
I found a grandson in Greece!

I'll send you a picture postcard,
of me dipping my wick in the waves.

-Bye bye!
-Bro, don't take me for a fool!

Come here! Go on!

Giani! Giani! Giani!

Open the door!

-Open the goddamn door already!
-The fucking thing won't open!

Easy, easy!

What happened here, bro?

What's close by? What's the closest?

-The mall!
-What's the closest HOSPITAL?

Just drive, fucking step on it!

You did me in, fucking A!
You killed me in cold blood, Relu boy!

I got you back too,
fucking got blood all over you!

-What's the plan, Relster?
-Just keep driving!

Giani, how about I change the channel?
Any special requests?

Do you have the one with your mom
moaning on the beltway?

Damn bro, I treat you nice
and what do you do?

You're an asshole!

Look at that blood,
just pumping out of me! Fuuuck!

I'll put on some instrumental crap.
To bore you to death!

-Make it a funeral song!
-You're not gonna die, chill!

Fuck you, you fucking twat!
Hurry up, I'm under the gun!

-Head downtown, to the Municipal!
-What if he squeals, bro?

-He won't squeal! Take the passageway!
-Sure I'll snitch, you wankers!

I'll call a press conference!
I'll get the pigs on it, the spooks...

...Romania's Got Talent,
Beware the Donkey Scare!

-I'll spill ALL of it, fuck it all!
-Quit it, chill!

-Did you knock him on the head too?
-Shut up! Keep your eyes on the road!

-Does it hurt, pops?
-It hurts, it hurts...

My soul hurts!
You could've let me off the hook.

Just this once, Relu boy,
you could've let it go!

Swear you won't breathe
a word to the pigs, all right?

I swear, I won't tell them anything...
Except about your little pecker!

You can't even wank, it's so small!
You get circus midgets to do it for you!

Sod off pops, you old tosser!

Cool it! Just drive
and shut your mouth!

Yeah but he started it!
Saying my junk's small, I'll show him!

-Motherfucker can suck my dick!
-Fabian, shut the fuck up already!

-Zip your fucking mouth up and drive!
-Motherfucking jerkwad! You shove it!


I don't know if you're
up on the weather, Relster,

but it hasn't rained in a while.
The ground's hard.

Digging a hole that big,
it's bound to be tricky.

It would be easier
if we dug several tinier holes.

Relster, you don't wanna mess
with Mother Nature.

I'll take this one, since it's on sale.


It's DNA, Relster! Evidence.

I saw you tossing your cookies.

It's natural your first time,
till you get the hang of it.

But you should go and clean it up,
I reckon.

I'm not bullshitting you.

What if the pigs come down here
and find your puke, huh?

With a lab, tools, magnifying glass,
putting it all under a microscope, huh?

What do you suppose they'll find?

A shawarma.

Jeez, I'm kinda niffy!

It's not like I made
much of an effort either, right?

I hauled... how much did I haul?
70 kilos?

When he was standing on his own,
he didn't seem all that heavy!

Twig-like, rather, he was...
Then again, his bones were right thick.

Hey, you know whose bones
are the heaviest though?

The dwarfs, so I've heard!

They say a dwarf is the same weight as
a regular man. Is it true, d'ya reckon?

We should've at least
given him a shave before, bro.

I thought there was something missing!

Did you sort it?

What's wrong, guys?
Cat got your tongue?

Head to the 24-hour shop
and get some lemons.

-Now, please.

Tell me you're joking, Relu.

-It was an accident.
-Did he slip on a banana peel?

No, it really was just an accident.

-Did he see it happen?

Go spin him this accident story
and it might not be the only one today.

Quit pigging out,
you'll ruin your appetite!

She says she's filing for divorce
unless I lose twenty kilos.

So I've been sticking to vegetables.

And did you lose any weight?

-Seven kilos over two weeks.
-Not bad!

-He's shed seven and put on ten.
-I really did slim down, man!

How about we toast to Mister Paganel,
who's freshly out of the clink!

-Hear, hear!

To your health!

Got a sec?
Heads up, Relu offed Giani.

Is it true? Did you really whack him
for 6000 euros?

-Not even that -4200.
-He jumped at me with a knife.

And then he slipped
and fell on your blade, huh?

-It was a concrete-iron pole.
-Ouch, that must've hurt like hell!

You know, if I were a court of law,
I'd let you walk.

I'd known him since I was three.

Though loud-mouthed,
he was a good lad.

That may be, but he was a stool pigeon.
He knew I was on to it too.

That's why he was sitting on the dough
he owed me.

He thought he could play me
and then vanish without a trace.

You just saved me a trip, Relster.

May he rest in piece,
motherfucking scumbag that he was.

See these guys?
They're just a bunch of minions.

The Romanian postal service.

You can have them ferry something
from point A to point B.

But scrub off their tattoos,
and they'll come unhinged.

You're another kettle of fish.

These two years I've known you,
you've done the work, never acted out..

You're not a show-off, or an ass-kisser
you don't fawn all over me...

I like that about you,
you're like my son's pit bull!

Plus, you're not much of a talker.

That's crucial.

I'd beat the shit out of those guys
who open their mouths

and don't know when to stop!

You're my lad.

Aren't you?

-Yes, boss.

I've got a favor to ask.

Someone on your dance card, is it?

These two Moldavian birds I rented,
but I've got them all week.

Come on!

Mister Toma! When did you get here?

Where did you get these anchovies from?

The guys got them,
from the grocery store.

If you'd called, I'd have sent you
fresher stuff than this boot plastic.

So what brings you by? I told the guys
to drop you off at your hotel.

I heard you were throwing a party,
so I thought I'd pop by for a bit.

I was in the middle of something,
but if you'd like us to talk now...

Man, it burns!
Next time, I'll send you the anchovies.

Go, go about your business.
This isn't my scene, anyway.

The boys like it just fine.

The boys in blue sure do! Sonny...

-...what do I keep telling you?
-Mister Toma...

Go on, go,
you've got business to attend to.

We'll talk tomorrow.
Come over around 8.

One more thing.

When you come over tomorrow,
bring me an antacid.

I've got a feeling this fucking ulcer
will be acting out.

-Why didn't you park in the yard, man?
-It's fine.

Let's go!

What do you think?


The marble's from Spain!

-Isn't it slippery though?
-Yes, but, guess what I paid for it!

-700 per square meter.

They also had it at 3-400 per meter.

-But it looked crappier, huh?
-Nope, same diff.

I just wanted the pricier one!

Mrs. Captain -The Relster!

Thanks a bunch for leaving me
alone on Saturday night!

Nice to meet you!

It's not easy being a Captain's wife.

-How about you, any family?
-No. No family. I've got no one.

Family's good to have, but it's also
your Achilles heel, if you get my drift.

You can never let them
out of your sight.

Teddy. My son.

I came home the other day,
to find he'd drained the pool.

I go "Why did you drain the pool, man?"
"To train Teddy," he said.

The dog's also called Teddy.

I went, "Wouldn't that be easier to do
in the garden, on the grass?"

He goes, "No." And I go "Why not?"
"'Cause it's easier this way."

I'm fit as a fiddle...
that's not the issue here.

-But one day I'll snuff it too.
-We all will.

But I've got my businesses, bro.

The Muncii shawarma joint,
the auto repair shops... wife's beauty shop.

I thought I'd cash in on
this third millennium too.

Go into something smarter...
on the net, on Google...

-I'm no good with those either.
-But this one is, got a smart noggin!

Only, he's dead, lifeless.


Sorry, what?

Emo. Like him, only wearing black...

...listening to stuff that makes you
wanna slit your wrists.


Some off themselves.

I took him to a shrink,
pumped him full of pills!

Everything on the market,
all for nothing.

There's no spark of life in him.

I want you to take him with you.

-What now? Take him where?

Take him to get a feel for life,
get a whiff of the street.

Take him to the whores...
only careful he doesn't get the clap!

Out on the town, with the lads.
Let him take a spill or two even...


I raised him with kid gloves
and got a wuss for my troubles.

-Good evening.

There's blood on your shoes.

Don't speak out of turn!
You're asking for it.

See that? Smart as a whip!
Nothing gets past him, see?

It's just that he's a dead man walking,
the fucking prick.

I'm counting on you, Relster.


He was in the street with some tykes,
caught a cracker in his eye.

They worked on him a while, but
it didn't touch the nerve. He'll be OK.

Maybe just a bit cross-eyed.
Things are dicier outside...

Watch your step, think stuff through
before you say it.

12 years old...

Before long, he'll dump
a knocked-up girlfriend on you.

Sorry, I...

Are you on duty?
Can I get a ride?

15, Theodor Aman.

End of episode 1