Ugly Betty (2006–2010): Season 3, Episode 5 - Granny Pants - full transcript

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(Wilhelmina) I Can Make
This Whole Thing Go Away.
(Alexis) And What's
It Going To Cost Me?

I'll Convince Her
To Split Her Shares,

Sign Over Half To Daniel,
Half To You.

You'll Both
Be Editors-In-Chief.
Whatever Happens
With You And Your Wife,

I Can't Be Responsible For It.
They Can't Just Take Your Son.

(Daniel) He's Not My Son.
But I Want You
To Be My Father.

Maybe I Can Be Your Really Cool
American Uncle.

(Betty) That's Kimmie Keegan.
She Tortured Me In High School.
Aah!

That's Your Daughter?
I Don't Hate You.

I Just Feel Like
Nothing's Ever Gonna Change.



You Just Have To Be Willing
To Do Something About It.

(Man) Forward!

(Man) Can We Get More Smoke
In Here?
(Woman) Look Up.
Look Up, Everybody.

We Need To See
Some Faces, People.

All Right,
I'm Not Loving This.
Oh, But You Promised
Zac Posen.

I Know. We'll Give Him
A Couple Pages In Front Of Book.

One Bayonet, Please. Oh,
And I'm Worried About Shadows.

We're Gonna Lose The Helmet.
Okay.

Great.

I'll Go Disarm.

Oh! Miss Meade, I've Been
Meaning To Talk To You,

But With All The Craziness

Of Doing These Photo Shoots
Daniel's Way

And Then Redoing Them
Wilhelmina's Way



And Then Back To Wil--
Betty, I Get The Pattern.

Well...

Has Daniel Said Anything To You
About D.J. Being Gone?

Not A Word.

Me Neither.
I'm Worried About Him.

He's Focusing
All His Energy On Work.

He's Totally Avoiding
His Feelings.

Well, On The Spectrum
Of Our Family's Vices,

Work Is A Lot Healthier
Than Murder.

Hmm. That's True.

Betty, You Have
A Lot On Your Plate.

Let Me Take Care Of Daniel.

All Right. Thanks, Guys.

(Gasps) Puppy!

Where Did You Come From?

What The Hell Is This?

(Daniel)
Love Is A Battlefield.

It's The Center Spread
For Our Valentine's Issue.

I Thought
We Were Doing Puppy Love.

No, You Were Doing Puppy Love.
I Didn't Like It.

Go Ahead. We Can Start.
Oh, Because Nothing Says Romance
Like Missing Limbs.

I'm On With The P.E.T.A. People
About The Coat.

They're In An Uproar Because
You're Wearing Dalmatian.
Oh, For God Sakes,
It's Not Real Dog.

It's Rare Albino Leopard.
It's Rare Albino Leopard.

Get The Kids And The Puppies
And Lose Those Soldiers.
Yeah. Apparently.

No, I Am Not Letting You
Walk All Over Me.

This Is The Shoot I Want To Do.
Kill The Puppies.

(Betty And Marc Gasp)
Did You Hear That?

Daniel Meade Kills Puppies.
Wilhelmina Slater
Does Not Support Our Troops.

And Here Comes
The Editor-In-Chief Argument.

In Case You've Forgotten,
I Am The Editor-In-Chief

Of This Magazine.
In Case You've Forgotten,
I'm The Editor-In-Chief, Too.

Oh, Daniel! Every Time,
For 20 Years...
I'm Not Gonna Do This
With You.

I Want You To Leave My Set.
I've Worked On This.

I Have Brought
This Magazine Up--
This Is My Set, Wilhelmina.

Okay, I Am Not
The Editor-In-Chief

Of This Magazine,
But This Is A Disaster.

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This Is About
Setting Precedent.

Alexis Is Gone.

Wilhelmina And I
Share Power 50/50 Now.

Okay, Daniel, But Wilhelmina
Is Not Going To Budge,

And Neither Are You,

Which Means We Have To Do
Everything Twice,

But Nothing Is
Actually Getting Done.

And Hey, Look,
I-I Hate To Complain,

But This Is Just More Work
Than I Can Handle.

So What, I Should Roll Over
To Make Your Life Easier?

No, And I'm Not Loving
The Attitude, By The Way.

I'm Just Saying
Something Has To Change.

Well...

I'm Bored.

I'm In A Rush.

See, This Is A Perfectly Hideous
Outfit You're Wearing,

But I've Already Mocked It.

Where Am I Supposed To Find
Job Satisfaction?

I Don't Know.
Maybe Your Job.

Ugh. There's Something
At Your Desk.

Hello?

Betty.

Thank God You're Here.

Kimmie?
I Really Need Your Help.

Remember When You Came
To Flushing Burger

And Gave Me That Speech About
How I Could Do Better?
Uh-Huh.

Well, Turns Out I Can't.

I Quit My Job,
And No One Wants To Hire Me.

My Boyfriend That I Hate--

He Cheated On Me
With My Ex-Stepsister.

And I'm Having Pains
In My Large Joints.

I Mean, Do You Think
My Lyme Disease Is Coming Back?

I-I Don't Know.

Look, I Would Love
To Blame This All On You,

Really, I Would,
But Truth Is, My Life Has Been

A Downhill Slide Into Suck
Since High School.

I Mean, Back Then,
People Would Applaud For Me

When I Walked Into A Room,
Betty,

And What If
That Doesn't Happen Anymore?

You Get Used To It.

The Thing Is, You Seem To Have
Everything So Together,

And--And I Thought

Maybe You Could Help Me
Turn Things Around

By Getting Me A Job Here.

Um, Gosh, Kimmie...

I Would Really,
Really Like To Help You.

It's Just, You Know,There Aren't Really Any
Openings Here And...

Sorry.

Betty, You Know, I Was Thinking
About What You Said Earlier.

Things Really Are Crazy Here.

Why Don't You Get A Temp
To Help You Out?
Uh, That's Not Necessary.

Oh, My God. Hi. I'm Betty's
Friend From High School,

And We Were Just Talking About
How I Should Maybe Work Here.

Perfect Timing.
Welcome To "Mode."

Yes! Yes!

I'm In Hell.

Oh, Is She Really That Bad?

You Have No Idea.

When We Were In Junior High,
She Had The Entire Student Body

Calling Me...
(Whispers) "Pig Latin."
(Laughs)

(Normal Voice) Hey!
Oh, Come On. I've Had
An Awful Lot Of Trauma.

For God Sake,
Let Me Have My Laugh.

How Is Stuart Anyway?
Oh, Perfectly Fine

Until He Doesn't Want To Do
The Dishes Or The Washing,

And Then It's All,
"Oh, I'm Dying. I'm Dying."
Christina.

Oh. We've Decided To Act
Like Everything's Normal.

It's The Only Way
To Not Go Crazy.

So Come On. Finish Telling Me
About The Hateful Hellion.

Well, I Finally Make It
To High School.

It's My Chance
At A Fresh Start,

But Kimmie Is There, Too.

Hi, Kimmie.

I Was Thinking,
Since We're Both New Here

And We Don't Know Anyone Else,

Maybe We Could Sit Together?

Fine.

Really?

Oh, My God. Okay, Great.
(Girls Laughing)

Wait. Since You're Up Already,

Would You Mind
Getting Me A Water?

Of Course. No Problem-O.

You've Got Something
On Your Skirt.
Hmm?

You've Got Something
On Your Skirt.

And That's Why For Four Years,

They Called Me "Granny Pants."

Christina,
I Have Worked Too Hard

Just To Get The People At "Mode"
To Almost Not Hate Me.

I Don't Want Her To Ruin That.

I Know, But You've Got
All The Power Now,

And Now It's Your Turn
To Make Her Life A Misery.

I Don't Know About That.

It's Called Karma...
Granny Pants.

Yeah, Okay,
Let's Not Make That A Thing.

That Was A Secret.

(School Bell Rings)
So Apparently Another
Billy Elliot's Voice

Started To Change,

And They're Casting
For Three New Kids.

Mrs. Read's Gonna Recommend Me
For The Audition.

Wait. You're Auditioning For
"Billy Elliot" On Broadway?

Yeah. I Mean,
A Blue-Collar British Kid

From A Coal-Mining Town
With A Flair For Dance?

It's Like
It Was Written For Me.

She's Gonna Call Me Tonight
And Let Me Know.

Oops.

Loser.

(Boy Snickers)
Too Easy.

I Am Sure This Happened
To Patti Lupone.

He's Just
A Stupid Jock.

Daniel Was Adamant.
He Wants The One On The Left.

But They Are
Exactly The Same.

No, Wilhelmina Wants
The One On The Right.

Welcome To My World.

I Got Most Of Your Receipts,

But Wilmemina
Wasn't In Her Office.

Great.
Oh, There She Is.

Oh, You Really Shouldn't...

It's Your Turn
To Make Her Life A Misery.

Wait Too Long.

We Really Need Them.

Hey,Wilmemina,I Have
To Get Your Receipts.

Oh, My God.
I Have That Same Jacket,

Except I Got Mine
At A Discount Store For 60% Off,

And You Can't Even See
The Hole Under The Armpit.

Marc?

Scat!

Wilmemina? 60% Off?
I'm So, So Sorry.
That Will Never Happen Again.

Why Is She
Even Talking To Me?
Never.

I Know It's Mean,
But... It Kind Of Felt Good.

That Bitch
Got What She Deserved.

And If The Tables Were Turned,

She Would Have Done
Something Way Worse To Me.

Tie That Skank To A Lamppost
And Let Her Rot.

Um... Okay.
What's Going On With You?

Oh, I'm Trying Not To Be Sad
About Coach,

So I'm Choosing Anger.

It's A Great Release.
Aah!

Yeah, She's Been A Delight.

You Know, Have You Ever Thought
About Helping Kimmie Out?

Dad, How Could You Say That?

She Was Terrible To You
At Flushing Burger.

I Would Totally Get Revenge
On My Bullies If I Could.

Wait A Minute.
You Have Bullies?

Why Didn't I Know About This?
It's Nothing.

Well, It's Gonna Be Something
When I Go Down There

And I Kick Their Asses.
We're Talking About Betty.
Betty.

I Don't Understand Why I
Have To Be The Bigger Person.

I Mean, When I Started
At "Mode," No One Helped Me.

And Did You Like It?

No, But I Dealt With It,

Because That Is A Part
Of Growing Up.

What?
So Is Putting The Past
Behind You.

If You Give Kimmie A Chance,

Maybe You'll Find You're
Not As Different As You Think.

What If We "Accidentally" Shaved
Half Of Betty's Head

While She Slept? That'd Be
Something New To Mock.
It's Funny, But It Seems
Like A Lot Of Work.

Yeah, And She Might Actually
Look Better. (Laughs)
(Laughs)

(Gasps) Temp.
(Gasps) Temp.

Oh, My God.

It's An Achy Breaky Tart.

Hey.
Hey.

(Gasps)
Cute Tiny Backpack.

Do You Put All Your
Tiny Scrunchies In It?
I Do.

Oh, It's So Dope,
Not '90s At All.

Oh, Great,
Because I Was Worried.

You Know, I-I Haven't Bought
New Clothes Since High School.

In My Old Job,
We Used To Have Uniforms.
N.I.

I Love My Job.

(Wilhelmina) Okay, People.

We Still Don't Have
A Center Spread.

We Have A Lot Work Coming Up.
Whoa!

(Easel Thuds)
Oh! Sorry!

Kimmie...

(Whispers) Why Don't You Go
Get Some Waters For The Room?

(Whispers) Okay.
Okay.

Wow. Throw A Poncho
And Sideburns On That Girl,

She Could Be You, Betty.
Well, For Our First
New Order Of Business,

Fire That Train Wreck.
(Thud)

Okay, Stop!
(Gasps)

Look, Sometimes When People Walk
In Here, They Get Nervous

And They Don't Do So Well
On Their First Day

Or Maybe They Make Regrettable
Wardrobe Decisions

That They Can Never Live Down.
Betty,
I Know She's Your Friend,

But You're The One Who's
Gonna Have To Pick Up The Slack

If She Can't Cut It.
Well, It Won't Happen.

I'm Gonna Turn Her
Into The Perfect Assistant.

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Working At "Mode"
Is Intimidating,

So I've Created An Acronym
To Help You Remember

The Three Most Important
Things--A.R.G. "Arg."

Let's Start With "A"--
Anticipate.

Know What People Need
Before They Do.
How Do You Know What They--

I Anticipated
You Were Gonna Ask That.
Wow. You're Good.

I Know.
Then There's "R"--Research.

Read Everything, Listen
To Everything, Know Everything.
Everything?

Did I Not Just Say Everything
Three Times?

For Example, Yesterday
You Needed To Know

That If You Need
Wilhelmina's Receipts,

You Never Ask Her For Them.
But You Told Me To.

Another Lesson--Be Careful
Who You Listen To.

But Back To Wilhelmina.
Avoidance Is Key.

If You Screw Up With Her,
You're Fired Or You Could Die.

There Have Been Rumors.

If You Need Something,
This Is What You Do.

Wow. It's Too Bad
Daniel Can't Go To The Premiere

For That New Colin Farrell
Movie.
Colin Farrell?

Oh, That's Right.
Amanda Mentioned You Liked Him.

What Do You Want?
Wilhelmina's September Receipts.

Do I Get A Guest?
If You Promise Me October.

All Right, On Your Desk
In An Hour.
And That's "G"--Gumption.

Wow. This Is Harder
Than I Thought.
Well, Take A Deep Breath Because
We're Just Getting Started.

Try Again. Wilhelmina.

Wilmemina.

Wil-Hel-Mina.

Wilmemina.

* I'm Not Containable

* I Ain't Freakin',
I Ain't Fakin' This *

Okay, Take It By The Handle
And Press That Button.

Wil-Ah-Mina.

Wil-Mel-Mina.

Okay, There's An Easy Way
To Remember This.

There's "Hell" In It.

Hell-Me-Mina.
What Is Wrong With You?

Maybe This Was A Big Mistake.

No, No, No, No, No, No.
It's Not A Big Mistake.

Look, I Know That
These Past Couple Of Years

Have Been Really Rough
On You,

But You're Kimmie Keegan.

You Were Homecoming Queen

And Prom Queen

And President
Of The Senior Class

And A Cheerleader.

Head Cheerleader.

Head Cheerleader. See?

Now You Just Gotta
Find That Confidence

That You Had In High School.

Two, Four, Six, Eight.

Kimmie Keegan
Used To Be Great?

That's A Start.

You Are Really Stepping Up.

Oh-Ho, That Look
On Wilhelmina's Stretched Face

When You Refused To Give In
To Her Shoot Was Priceless.

Since When Do You Eat
Kids' Cereal?

D.J. Turned Me On To It.

It Turns The Milk Blue.

Oh, I Also Found Some Of D.J.'S
Things Around The House--

Baseball Cards...

(Scoffs)
Lingerie Catalogue...

Oh, And Something Called

"Street Wars Five:
Revenge Of The Pimps."

Actually, That's Mine.

I Know
What You're Trying To Do.

I Don't Want To Talk About It.

Just Having My Morning Bowl
Of Marshmallows.

What Do You Want Me To Say?

I Miss Him.

When He Was Here,
I Had M-More Balance.

It's Like...

The Stupid Things
Didn't Matter Anymore.

Now All I Have
Are The Stupid Things.

I-I Just--I...

You Just What?

I Want A Family, Mom.

Well, That's Wonderful.

I Guess.

But What Am I Supposed
To Do About It?

The Women I've Been Meeting
Aren't Exactly Life Mates.

I Mean, My Clock Is Ticking.

Your Father Conceived A Child
After He Was Dead.

You'll Be Fine.

Very Good.
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, It's Good,

But You're Still
Popping Your Hip.
Hilda.

I Saw "A Chorus Line," Okay?
Okay, Mom?

Mom, I'm Going To Get
Some Water.

Okay,
But Don't Think That Means

You Get An Automatic
Bathroom Break In An Hour.

You're Riding Him Pretty Hard,
Don't You Think?

Maybe It's Time For You
To Be Done With The Anger Phase.

No, No, No. It's Not Anger.

It's Just...
I Really Want Him To Get This.

He's Having A Hard Time
At School Lately.
Really?

Yeah. You Heard Him
Talking About The Bullies.

Yeah, But I Didn't Think
It Was Serious.
He Downplays It,

But I Just Want Him To Have
A Place Where He Fits In.

Okay. I'm Ready.

From The Top.
Five, Six, Seven, Eight.

Hey. So I Noticed Daniel's
Cuticles Were A Little Rough.

I Heard The Beauty Editor
Talking About This New Spa

Where They Soak Your Fingers
In Organic Olive Oil.

They Told Me No Openings
Till March.

I Told Them
No "Editor's Pick" In "Mode."

Daniel Has An Appointment
For Friday.

Well...

You Anticipated, Did Research
And Showed Gumption. Arg.

Arg.

You've Been So Amazing To Me.

I Have To Find A Way
To Thank You.
Oh, It's Not Necessary.

Let's Go Out Tonight.
Really?

I Was Updating
Daniel's Contacts,

And I Got Us
Into All The Hot Clubs.

I've Tried To Get In Before,

But It's Like They Could Smell
The Bridge And Tunnel On Me.

But Tonight You And Me
Are V.I.P.

I'm So Glad
We're Becoming Friends.

Me, Too.

Could You Proof This?
Sure.

Is This An Application
For A Dating Service?

Actually, It's A Discreet,

High-End
Matchmaking Organization.

I Thought It's Time I Got
Serious About Meeting Someone.

And Since
The Last Woman I Picked

Ended Up
Burning My House Down,

I Thought I'd Trust
The Professionals.

That's Wonderful.
Okay, You're Not This Tall.

Depends On The Shoe.
Keep Reading.

"Likes--Sports..." Mm-Hmm.

"Women..." Mm-Hmm.

"Yoga"?

Yeah, I Took A Class.

Right. "Walks At Sunset
And Myself."

Well, I Thought It Shows
Healthy Self-Esteem.

Why Don't I Just Take
A Quick Pass At This?

Oh, Oh, By The Way,

Do You Think We're Gonna
Be Working Late Tonight?
Uh, Probably Not.

Good.

Don't You Want To Know
What I'm Doing?

What Are You Doing, Betty?

I'm Going Clubbing
With Kimmie Keegan. Yeah!

Betty Suarez Is Going Clubbing
With Kimmie Keegan.

Fun.

No, You Have No Idea
What A Big Deal This Is.

In High School, She Wouldn't
Even Give Me The Time Of Day.

And Now, I Mean, I Really
Like Her, And She Likes Me.

You Know, It Just Goes To Show,
You Can Get Over Your Past,

Which Is A Great Lesson
For You And Wilhelmina.
Go.

Going.

I Noticed You Like
A Sugar Fix After Lunch,

So I Brought You A Cookie.

You're Pretty.
I Just Assumed You Weren't

Because You're A Friend
Of Betty's.
Oh, Betty's The Best,
Isn't She?

I Mean, She Taught Me
Everything About This Place.

I Can--I Can Collate, I Can
Reduce, I Can Do Double-Sided.

I Officially Rock
The Copy Room.

Okay, I Don't Know
Where This Copy Room Is.

Look, Knowing Stuff Is Fine
For Girls Like Betty,

Who Don't Have Their Looks
To Skate By On,

But I Can Show You
What's Really Important.

No.

Can You Believe This?
It's So Exciting.

My Baby's On Broadway.

Okay, Ready? Smile.

(Scoffs) Mom.

Okay, I'm Gonna Go Sign In.

Okay. Good Luck. Hi.
(Whispers)
Sit Down. Sit Down.

What Are You Doing Here?

What? I Thought I'd Give
The Acting Thing A Try.

(Scoffs) Whatever.

My Mom Said I Could Only
Play Football If I Did This.

(Woman) "A" Through "M,"
Over Here.

Checking Out
The Competition?

He Goes To My School.

Trust Me.
That Guy's No Competish.

They're Sending You
On A Dinner Cruise

Around The Harbor
So You Can Get To Know Her.

I Still Can't Believe
They Found Someone That Fast.

I Kind Of Wish I Had Time
For That Olive Oil Manicure.

Right. Well, Here's A Copy
Of Her Profile--

Number 4-9-5-2-4.

She Is Smart, A Former Model,
Loves Her Job

And Her Idea Of A Perfect Day

Is A Picnic In The Park
With Children.

She Sounds Perfect.

She'll Think
You're Perfect, Too.

Oh, Maybe Do
Another Button.

The Other Way.

Ta-Da!

Kimmie, Hi.

You Look So...

I Know, Right?

Amanda Took Me To The Closet
And Hair And Makeup.

I Mean, I Can't Believe
We Can Just Use Those Things

Whenever We Want.
We Can't. Amanda Just Tends
To Make Up Her Own Rules.

Oh, Got It. Unfortunately,
I Was Talking To Amanda

About Us
Going Clubbing Tonight,

And She Said It Would
Be Way More Fun

If Her And Marc Came, Too.
No! It--It Wouldn't.

Okay, I Mean, I-I--
What Was I Supposed To Do?

I Had To Invite Them.
But Tonight Is About You And Me.

So Don't Worry.
We'll Totally Ignore Them.

What Are You Guys
Talking About?

Okay, Does It--
Can I Open This?

No, Too Dangerous.
But I Know Them.

One Time I Let My Girlfriend
Open It. She Was Shot.

Oh, My God.

On The Plus Side, I'm Single.

What Are You Laughing About?

What's--What's So Funny?

It's Too Hard To Explain.

You Could Try.
No, I Won't, I Won't.

You Could Try.
(Amanda) I Can't Even
Explain It Like That.

I'm Pretty Smart.
You Know, You're Not Part
Of Their Group.

Yes, I Am.

Oh, My God.
We Are Totally Here.

Guys.

Guys, We Have To Pay.

Mr. Meade, Welcome.
I'm Harmony.

Appropriate, Right?
Totally My Real Name.

But You Are Not Here
To Talk To Me.

Your Date Is
Right Over There.

Thank You.

You Must Be 4-9-5-2-4.

Your Ideal Day Is A Picnic
In The Park With The Kids?

6'4"?

I'm Leaving.
No, I'm Leaving.
You're Not Walking Out On Me.

(Daniel) Wait. Wait,
Wait, Wait. No. Stop The Boat.

Oh!
You Have Got To Be Kidding.

(Betty) Excuse Me. Sorry.
Gotta Get To The Front.

Betty, Come On.
I'm With Them.

Sorry.
I Had To Pay The Cab.
Kimmie Keegan Plus Three.

I've Only Got You Plus Two.
Pick Your Friends.

Oh, Me. Me.
Me. Me. We, We, We. We.

(Amanda) Yeah.

How About Marc,
Amanda And Me Go In

And See If It's
Even Worth Staying Here?

Good-Bye.
Miss You.

But Well--Or Maybe
Just Two Of Us Could Go In

And Two Could Stay Out Here.
Don't Worry. If It's Cool
Then I'll Come And Get You.

Ten Minutes.
Um, Okay.

I Guess I'll Just Wait Here.
Oh, Okay. All Right.

Why Are You
Doing This Anyway?

Excuse Me?
There Are People Here

Who Take This
Really Seriously,

Like Getting This Part
Could Change Their Life.

I Don't Go Down
To The Football Field

Because I Feel Like
Giving Ball Tossing A Try.
You're Just Mad I'm Good.

Doubt It. This Is Good...

That's All You Got?

(Scoffs) Not Bad.

All Right, But Not This...

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
All Right, All Right.

Save It For The Stage, Okay?
Group Four, You're Up.

Excuse Me.
Watch It.

Let's Go.

Those Guys Were Really Good.

Yeah. I Think That Short Kid
Was Actually Flying.

So Are We Ready
To Get To Know Each Other?

Watch It, You Two.
I'm Feeling The Tension.

What?

I Can't Believe

Wilhelmina Slater
Uses A Dating Service.

Well, Marc Doesn't Fulfill
All Of My Needs.

God Knows He's Given It
The Old College Try.

Well, I Guess It Just Shows You
Everyone Gets Lonely.

I'm Not Lonely. I'm Horny.

Ahem. Your First Course Is
Oysters On The Half Shell.

They're An Aphrodisiac,

Not That You Need One.

Now Can I Bring You Two
Some Wine?

Dear God, Yes.
Yeah. Keep It Coming.

Hey.

They Went With The Short Kid.

Come Here.

They're Idiots.

"Billy Elliot" Is Dead To Me.

Yeah, Anybody Can Do
That Silly Choreography.

You--You Make It Your Own.
(Snaps Fingers)

Hey, Why Don't We Go
And Get Some Ice Cream

To Cheer You Guys Up?

Okay.

I'm Gonna Get My Bag.

Meet You Outside.

All Right.

Are You Okay?

Go Away.

Could You Pass The--

No.

I Hope You Didn't Fill Up
Because You're Not Done Yet.

Why?
How Many Courses Are There?
Eight.

(Sighs)
I Know.

I Have Got
To Get Off This Boat.

You Can't
Set The Boat On Fire.

Explosives Work Better,
And We Didn't Plan Ahead.

Crap.

Wait. Here.

Let Me Show You.

She's Coming. Come On.

Act Casual.

Okay, Okay, Okay.

Don't Panic. This Happens,
Like, Every Other Cruise.

But Just As A Precaution,

The Captain's Heading
Back To Shore.
Aw.

Check Our Name.
(Man) Check Again.

Taxi!

Betty.

I'm So Sorry
It Took So Long.

Wait. You're Not Leaving,
Are You?

Kimmie, I've Been Waiting
Out Here For 45 Minutes.

I Mean, It's Been Fun,
But I Think I've Had Enough.

But You Can't Go.
We Haven't Even Talked Yet.
(Scoffs)

Kimmie,
I Don't Understand You.

One Minute You're Like,
"Hey, Let's Hang Out,"

And The Next
You're Ditching Me

And Sharing
"Too Hard To Explain" Jokes.

Look, We Don't
Have To Be Friends.

Just Don't Pretend We Are
If We're Not.

No, No. We Are Friends.
I Swear.

That's Why I Got Amanda And Marc
In, So We Could Ditch Them.
Really?

Yeah, Totally.
We're Getting Out Of Here.

I've Got Us Lined Up
For Three More Clubs

And A Couple After Hours.
Oh, I Don't Know.

What About Work Tomorrow?
We'll Be Exhausted.

Not If We Go In Late.
Daniel And Wilhelmina Have

A Meeting At The Design Studio
Until Noon.

They'll Never Even Know
We're Gone. It'll Be Fun.

Getting Into These Places
Is So New For The Both Of Us.

Let's Do It Together. Come On.
We're Friends, Aren't We?

Yeah.

Let's Go.

It'll Be So Much Fun.

I Will Never Forget.

Nico Was 4, And I Was Leaving
For The Black And White Ball,

And She Threw Up
All Over Armani--

The--The Man, Not The Gown.

See, That's What I Want.

I Mean, Not That Exactly,
But The Memories,

The Perspective It Gives You.

I Know You Think You Have
To Have Kids Right Away,

But 2 Months
With A 12 Year Old

Is Not The Same
As Having A Baby.

I Know.
So What You Should Do

Is Take All The Time
You Need To Prepare.

I Mean, Lords Knows
I Screwed Up With Nico,

Not Being Ready.

Well, Maybe You'll Handle Things
Differently With This Baby.

I Hope So.

I Mean, It Wouldn't Hurt
To Hedge My Bets

And Try To Find A Partner.

Well, As Much As I'm Sure
Me And The Baby And The Nanny

Will Make A Happy Household,

I... There's Room
For One More Person.

Yeah.

So... Any Idea How The Hell
We're Gonna Handle Things

With Both Of Us In Charge?

Well, I Hate To Admit It,

But We Did Make
A Good Team Tonight.
(Laughs) Yeah.

Maybe, Um, We Should Start
Trusting Each Other.

No Offense,

But I'd Say Trusting You Would
Be Making A Rookie Mistake.

Touch?

Perhaps We All Have
Our Pasts To Overcome.

But Maybe With Time,

You'll See That I Can Change.

Wait.
That's Not Your Building.

Um, I Called A "Buddy."

While I Certainly Have
Long-Term Goals,

I Also Have Short-Term Needs.

H... (Clears Throat, Coughs)
Hello?

Betty, Is Everything Okay?

Daniel, What Time Is It?

Uh, 10:00.
My Meeting Canceled.
(Gasps)

Where Are You?
Oh, My God. I'm So Sorry.
I'll Be There In A Jif.

Actually, You Know What?
Kimmie's Here.

Kimmie's There?
She Can Cover For You.

Well, Can I Talk To--

I'm Here! I'm Here!

I'm Here. I'm Here. I'm Here.
I'm Here. I'm Here.

Betty, Look, There's Pictures
From Us Last Night

All Over The Internet.
That's A Picture Of You
And My Elbow.

Yeah, But You Can
Totally Tell It's You.
Hi.

Well, Here's One Bright Spot
This Morning.

You Got "Mode"
Onto "Page Six."

We Haven't Been There
In Ages. Good Work.

Nice Of You To Join Us.
Well, I...

Darn. You Got Cut
Out Of That One.

Kimmie, What About Our Pact?

Well, I Was An Idiot To Think
That I Could Sleep In

When You Have Total Seniority
Over Me, So I Covered For You.

I Texted You.
Um, I Didn't Get A Text.

That's Weird. I Sent One.
Nope. No Text Here.

Well,
It Must Have Gotten Lost.
(Christina) She's Lying.

I Should Have Known
Something Was Up

When She Ordered Me That
Second Long Island Iced Tea.
Mm.

By The Way, Not Tea.

What Is She Trying To Do,
Take Your Job?
No Way. She Would Never Want
To Work That Hard.

Kimmie's Just Always
Drawn Her Power

From Making Me Look Bad
So She Looks Good.
Ugh.

There's No Chance That Text
Got Lost, Right?

Well, I Texted You Five Times
This Morning,

And You Got
Every Single One Of Those.

You May Have Graduated,
But High School Never Ends.

Oh, My God.
Look How Tiny I Am.

You're Still Tiny.
Oh, I Know.

What Are You Guys Looking At?
Oh, I Wanted To Show Them
My Cheerleading Pictures,

So I Brought In
Our High School Yearbook.

Wait.
You Have To See This One.
(Gasps)

(Amanda Gasps) Oh, My God.

Hello, Perm. It's Like Someone
Deep-Fried Your Hair.

(Gasps) And She's Wearing
The Same Thing

In Her Chess Club Picture
As She Is Today.
Oh!

Well, It Was A Rough Morning.
Then Or Now?

Don't Worry.
I'm Embarrassed, Too.

I Mean, My Skirts
Are Crazy Short.
(Amanda) Mm, So Short.

Hey, Betty,

Since You're Up, Would You Mind
Getting Me A Water, Please?

Yeah, Sure.

(Amanda) Oh, God.

Betty, You Have Something
On Your Skirt.
(Gasps)

You've Got Something
On Your Skirt.
Hmm?

Not Again!
(Gasps)

What?

What--What Are You Looking At?

She Was--
About To Do That To Me.

She Did It
Back In High School.

Tell Them.

They Called Me "Granny Pants"
For Four Years.

I Thought We Were Friends.

We Are.

We Are Friends, Kimmie.

I Just Thought That--
I Thought That You Were Gonna...

I'm Sorry.

Come On.

La Perla?

Hanky Panky.

Oh, They're Totally Hot.
Yeah.

Granny Pants.

Sexy Pants.
(Chuckles)

??

Hey.

Hey.

Bummer About The Audition,
Man.

I Can't Believe They Picked
The Short Guy Over Us.
Right? No One's
Gonna Be Able To See Him.

Our Vocals Were Way Better.
And Our Dance Wasn't That Bad.

Well, You Were
Kind Of Popping Your Hip.

Well, At Least My Jazz Squares
Weren't Triangles.

Maybe We'll Hang Out
Sometime.

Yeah, Uh, That'd Be Cool.

We'll Work It Out.

Okay.

Bye.

I've Got Your Lunch.

A Turkey Sandwich
And A Slice Of Chocolate Cake.

Oh, Dessert.

Someone's In Suck-Up Mode.

Look, Daniel, I'm So Sorry
About Being Late This Morning.

You Know That's Not Me.

Betty, Look, Your Night Out
Wasn't Such A Bad Thing.

All Those Photos
Of "Kimmie From 'Mode'"

Are Great Publicity.

Really? Hey.

Didn't We Used To Have
Someone Who Worked For Us

Whose Job Was Just To Go Out

And Get "Mode's" Name
In The Tabloids?

She Was So Great
Until She Went To Rehab.

I Bet Kimmie
Could Do That Job.
I Don't Know.

No, Look. Look At How Many Clubs
She Got Us Into Last Night.

I Have Never Seen Anyone
Work A Room Like Her.

She Got George Clooney
To Come To Our Darfur Benefit.
We Don't Do A Darfur Benefit.

We Do Now.
George Clooney's Coming.

I'm Telling You, Daniel,
She Would Be Great.

I Guess A Little Buzz
Never Hurt.

I'll Think About It.

Great.

Oh, My God. I Almost Forgot
To Ask You. How Was Your Date?

Uh, Well,
It Started Out Rough,

But It Ended Up
In A Good Place.

Yay!
Are You Gonna Go Out Again?

No.

But I'll Probably
Run Into Her Somewhere.

Now Moving On
To The Elusive Center Spread.

Puppies Or War?

We Want You To Know We Really
Appreciate Your Hard Work.

We Assure You This Is All
Gonna Be Settled Very Soon.
Well, Actually, It Is Settled.

It Is?

Love Is A Battlefield.

I Think We Both Know
How True That Is,

And I'm Sorry That
It Took Me So Long To See It.

We'll... Ahem.
Get That Started Right Away.

Uh, One More Bit Of Good News.

Most Of You Have Had A Chance
To Meet Kimmie Keegan By Now

Or At Least Seen Her Photos
On "Page Six."
Whoo!

From Now On, She's Gonna
Make Sure That "Mode's" Name

Is Associated
With All The Coolest Events.

Wilhelmina And I
Are Promoting Her

To Associate Editor.

(Man) You Did It, Girl.
We Totally Knew.

Wow.
That's A Big Promotion.

Yeah, It Was Your Idea.

I Know,
But... Associate Editor?

Well, If Kimmie's Gonna Be
In The Public Eye,

She Needs A Better Title
Than "'Mode' Temp," Right?

Besides, It's Just A Title.
It's Okay.

(Woman)
I'm So Excited For You.
Thank You.

(Woman) We'll Talk To You
Later, Okay?
(Kimmie) Okay.

Kimmie.

Congratulations.

You're Perfect For This.

I Know, Right?
I'm Gonna Need Some Coffee.

Half-Caf Sumatra Soy,
121 Degrees.

I'm Not Kidding.
I'm Myself Again.

Ever Since
You've Been Helping Me,

My Confidence Has
Been Creeping Back In.

I Should Thank You.
Oh.

But I Won't,
Because I'm Popular,

And Popular People Aren't Nice
To Unpopular People.

It's Just The Natural Order
Of Things.

I'm Still Waiting
On That Coffee...

Granny Pants.

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