Ugly Betty (2006–2010): Season 2, Episode 7 - A Nice Day for a Posh Wedding - full transcript

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Well,That Was Relaxing.

I Didn't Mean To Hear You And Your Bodyguard Having Sex.

Keep Your Mouth Shut And Your Old Man Comes Home.

So Lie To Daniel? Don't Lie. Just Don't Say Anything.

"I'm Your Husband." Bloody Hell.

This Is My Friend. My Friend?

I Don't Think He's Your Friend. I'm His Boyfriend. Or Should I Say "Was"?

Cliff, I Really Screwed Up.

I Have Hundreds Of Backstabbing, Two-Faced,Superficial Friends

That Are Pouring In From All Over The Globe



To Be Part Of This Wedding. Any Of Them Would Be Thrilled

To Be My Maid Of Honor. You Only Have Five Months Left With Henry.

Go. The Clock Is Ticking. Maybe We Shouldn't Tell Dad.

I'm Romantic,Not Crazy.

Faster Than Lindsay's Alcohol Detection Bracelet,

But Love Has Triumphed As Wilhelmina Slater Marries

Publishing Magnate Bradford Meade This Saturday...

Hey,Shouldn't You Be Getting Ready For School?

It's The Countdown To The Brad-Elmina Wedding.

It's A National Holiday.

I Don't Even Think There's Mail Today. Okay.

Betty, Breakfast Is Ready.

I Know You Haven't Had Much Of An Appetite

Since This Whole Mess With Henry,



But I Made Blueberry Pancakes.

No,Thanks.

Okay,But If You Change Your Mind...

Support us and become VIP member
to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org

Breakfast Is Ready.

Oh,Good. I Love Blueberry Pancakes.

How'd You Know I Was Making Blueberry Pancakes?

Because You Just Said So.

Somebody's Getting Old.

Canadian Bacon. Are You Having A Stroke?

That's The Only Thing That Got Betty's Appetite Back

After Joey Lawrence Was Kicked Off

That "Dancing With The Stars."

Maybe That'll Do The Trick

(Sighs) I Gotta Get A Life.

Ay,Dios M?O.

Mija?

Okay,What Would You Say If I Told You

I Was Making Your Favorite? Canadian B--

Betty?

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Dad. Hilda.

Oh,Man. Was I Sleepwalking?

No,They Were Supposed To Be Dyed Aspensummitwhite.

These Are Clearly Picket Fence White,

Thus Destroying...

The Entire Wilhelmina Slater Wedding Palette!

Yeah,Well,You Better Fix It By Tomorrow,

Or I Swear, As God As My Witness,

You'll Be Selling Shoelaces On The Subway!

You Are So Hot When You Go Into Head Voice.

(Laughs) I'm On My Last Nerve. Here,Take These.

The Bakery Hasn't Finished The Cake,

I Still Have To Finalize The Seating Chart,

And Wilhelmina Said If There's Baby's Breath

In Any Of The Floral Arrangements,

She's Gonna Sand Off My Nipples.

Wow,Cake And Nipples.

I Don't Know Which One To Focus On. (Laughs)

Okay,I'm On My Way To Graphics. By The Way,

You Don't Happen To Know Where My Brown Blazer Is?

Why? I'm Wearing It To The Wedding.

That Corduroy Thing That's Held Together

By Cat Hair And Ketchup Stains?

Cliff,This Wedding Is So Fancy, Armani Is Wearing Prada.

Come On,I Mean, Do You Really Think

That They're Gonna Be Looking At Me?

You Have Rosie O'donnell Seated At The Same Table

As Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

What? Oh,My God! How Did That Happen?

Okay,I've Got Too Much To Do Today.

If You Want To Wear That Jacket,Go Ahead.

Seriously, You'd Be Okay With It? Yeah,It's Who You Are,

And The Sooner I Accept That You're A Messy Bessy,

The Better Off We'll Be. Thank You.

And I've Told You, I Prefer Sloppy Sally. (Laughs)

(Bradford) Congratulations. Congratulations To You.

Oh,I'm Sorry. I Didn't Realize

We Wergetting Drunk First Thing In The Morning.

Little Tribute To Mom? We're Celebrating.

I Just Got Off The Phone With Ad Sales.

They Are Very Happy. Oh,I Didn't Realize You'd Heard.

Heard? Look At These Contracts--

Louis Vuitton, Cartier,Ralph Lauren...

Your Sister Scored Big.

It Looks Like She Might Have Saved The Magazine.

Yeah,Um,Did You See The Contract I Landed For Us?

Winthrop Jewelry. That Was Mine. Yeah,Here It Is.

They've Taken An 1/8th Of A Page In March.

An 1/8th Of A Page? No-- Hey,That's Great.

An Advertiser's An Advertiser, Right,Dad? Yes,Every Little Bit Helps.

You Know,Alexis, Your Dedication

Pleases Me More Than You'll Ever Know.

Now I Realize That You Have Loyalty To Your Mother,

But Would You Consider Standing Up With Me

At My Wedding Tomorrow? Really?

Wait A Second. I Thought I Was Your Best Man.

Who Threw Your Bachelor Party Last Weekend At Scores,

Mr. "I Need More Singles"? Ah,Cheyenne.

Is She Still There? Oh,She Was My Favorite.

Does She Still Do That Thing? Oh,Yeah.

That's Not Free,By The Way. You Know What? Forget This.

You Want To Make Alexis Your Best Man? Fine,Do It. Well,Why Don't You Both Do It Gether?

You Know What,Dad?

Maybe It's Better If Just Daniel Stands Up. I- No,No,No,No. Don't Worry About Me.

He Obviously Wants You Around.

You Really Shouldn't Disappoint Dad.

It Might Kill Him.

And You Wouldn't Want That, Would You,Alexis?

(Man) Coverage Of The Wilhelmina Slater Wedding

Continues With Superstar Maid Of Honor

Victoria Beckham... All Right With The Posing And The Waving.

We All Know You're Strong Enough To Raise Your Arm.

She'smymaid Of Honor. This Is Supposed To Be About Me.

Pish-Tosh,It's Posh.

The Beckhams Have Conquered America.

Accept It. They're Our Leaders. So,Victoria,How Long

Have You And Wilhelmina Known Each Other?

Oh,Willie And I Go Way Back.

She's Practically My Second Mom. What?

Mum. It's A Flower. She Thinks Of You As A Second Flower.

It's A British Expression.

What Are You Getting The Happy Couple

For A Wedding Present?

Oh,Something Very Special. A Gift From The Heart.

A Year's Supply Of Beckham 24/7,

Our New Energy Drink,

Available At Fine Stores Everywhere.

It's Beck-Mmm.

Is She Hawking Her Sports Drink

In The Middle Of My Wedding Interview?

Ok,You're Focusing On This Way Too Much.

Let's Not Forget That You're Only Getting Married

So You Can Take Over Meade

And Launch Your Own Fashion Magazine. Even That's Off Track.

I Can't Start My Own Magazine Until We Bring Down "Mode."

Apparently The Dynamic Duo, Danny And The Tranny,

Have Gone And Found Some Advertisers To Save This Rag.

Please. "Mode" Is Far From Being Out Of The Woods,

And Once You Take Over The Whole Company,

This Magazine Will Go Down

Faster Than A Crack Whore At A Prison Rodeo.

I Don't Know What The Means, But It Sounds Nasty.

Oh,It's Nasty, Miss Jackson. (Laughs)

(Man) Does Anyone Look As Fabulous As Posh

Feeding Ducks In Central Park?

(Ignacio) Incre?BLe!

Okay,I'm Leaving To Work Now.

Are You Still Not Talking To Me?

What More Is There To Say? You've Been Sneaking Out,

Seeing A Boy Who Got Another Girl Pregnant,

Who's Moving Across The Country In A Few Months,

And You're Foolish Enough To Think

This Is Some Big Romance. Justin,Go Watch Upstairs.

Mom! You See,Dad? This Is Exactly Why I Didn't Tell You.

Look,I Love Henry,Okay? I've Never Felt This Way Before.

Do You Hear Yourself?

You're Talking Like Some Silly 13-Year-Old Girl.

Use Your Head,Betty. He's Going To Leave,

And You're Gonna Have Your Heart Broken. Well,That's My--

Can We Just Calm Down,Please, And Discuss This?

Don't Think I've Forgotten That You Knew About This

The Whole Time And Were Covering For Her! Okay,I Think The Important Thing Here

Is That We Focus On Betty. You Want Me To Focus On Betty? I'll Focus On Betty.

You're Not Seeing Henry Again. Dad,I'm 23 Years Old. You Can't Tell Me Who I Can See.

I Can If You're Living In This House!

Then Maybe I Shouldn't Be Living In This House. Betty.

Hey,There's The Door! Fine!

Papi! Ay!

Why Is Everyone In This Family So Freakin' Dramatic?

(Man) And Today Mayor Bloomberg Gave Posh

The Key To The City...

Where Does He Get Off Calling Me A Silly Girl?

Well,He Says Things. Justin,Go Watch Downstairs.

Who Does He Think Has Been Holding This Family Together

Ever Since Mom Died? He's Just Scared For You.

He Thinks You're Doing Something That's A Little Bit Crazy. Well,You Know What,Hilda?

My Entire Life, I've Been The Sensible One.

I Never Even Thought

That I Would Ever Get A Chance At Real Love.

This Might Be It For Me.

Don't I Deserve To Do Something A Little Crazy Just Once?

(Man) After Posh Rang The Opening Bell,

The Dow Soared To New Heights...

Ay,Betty,Please. Do You Have To Do This Now?

It's His Citizenship Ceremony On Saturday. Yeah,Thanks To Me.

Betty,Wait. Justin--

You Know What? If There Was Ever An Argument

For Me To Have My Own Tv, This Would Be It.

(Lowered Voice) What Do You Mean,"Thanks To You"?

(Lowered Voice) How Do You Think Dad Even Got His Visa?

The Lawyers? No. The I.N.S.? No. It Was Me.

Wilhelmina's Father Is A Senator,

And Let's Just Say, I Totally Betrayed Daniel

To Get Her To Call In A Favor And Get Dad Home.

You Did That? And Don't You Dare Tell Him.

I Don't Want Him Knowing I Did Anything For Him.

Betty!

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(Bell Dings) Look At This.

"Classy A-Listers, Such As Donna Karan,

"Heidi Klum And Candice Bergen

Will Be Attending The Slater-Meade Wedding."

I'm Not Even Mentioned. I'm Fey Freakin' Sommers' Daughter.

I'm As Classy As They Are.

I've Got Class Comin' Out The Pooper. That You Do,Milady.

And You Arsupposed To Be My P.R. Bitch.

My 15 Minutes Are Almost Up,Marc,

And We've Done Nothing About Them.

We Talked About An Amanda Doll, Maybe A Singing Career,Reb...

I Know These Are Big Dreams, But We've At Least Got To Try.

(Wilhelmina) Marc! My Office! Now! Ugh,Look...

Let Me Just Get My Oldest Married Off First,

And Then It Is All About You. Uh,Pinkie Swear.

Well,It Better Be,

Or I Will Twist Off Your Nipples With A Wrench.

Why The Sudden Interest In My Boys?

Excuse Me,Love.

Can You Help A Bloke Out That's Down To His Last Floggen?

Oh,My God. You Talk Just Like Someone I Know.

Wait,Who Is That? (Gasps) Dot Tell Me.

Don't Tell Me...

Well,Wankle Me Bum.

I Know,Right?

And Then He Tells Me That I'm Not Allowed To See Henry

As Long As I'm Living Under His Roof.

So I Said,"Fine. I Won't Live Under Your Roof."

(Gasps) Oh,Oh,Holy Crap!

You're Telling Me. So I Was Thinking,

Do You Think I Could Crash On Your Couch-- No,No,Quick,This Way.

What? Where Are You Taking Me?

On You Go. In. Qui,Quick. (Gasps) What--What Is--

Never Mind. Ow!

Hello?

Oh,My Goodness, What Is This Place?

It's A Sex Room.

Fey Sommers Had It Built For Her Secret Trysts.

Get Out Of Here.

(Squeals) Shh. I Don't Want Him To Hear Us.

Who? My Husband.

What Husband? The One I Ran Away From In Scotland.

He's Outside.

You Have A Secret Husband And A Secret Sex Room?

(Groans) Oh,My God.

U Just,Like,Totally Trumped My Whole Dad Thing.

Shh. I Haven't Seen Stuart For Five Years,

Not Since I Told Him I Was Going To The Pet Store

To Get Dog Food And I Just... Kept Going.

And You Have A Dog? I Don't Even Know You.

What Do You Think He Wants? I Don't Know.

Maybe He Can't Find The Remote Control.

Well,You Can't Just Hide In Here,Christina.

He Tracked You Down.

Aren't You The Least Bit Curious? (Whimpers)

All Right,Everybody, Let's Give It Up.

Here Comes The Bride In A Vera Wang Original.

I Don't Do That.

Oh,Booty Bop? Wilhelmina Get Out Here.

Oh!

Be Still, My Flaming Heart.

Damn,I'm Good.

Now,Vera,I'm Not Sure About This Train.

Now I Was Thinking--

This Is Major.

(Gasps) Oh,My God, It's Perfect Spice.

I Have A New Muse.

Hello?

Anybody?

Bride Over Here.

You Really Think It's Okay? Rc.

Marc.

It's So Beyond "Okay,"

I'm Giving You A Booty Bop.

Marc!

I'm Sorry,Willie, But Look At Her In That Dress.

She Made Me Feel Tingly Where No Girl Has Ever

Made Me Feel Tingly. (Sighs) Vicki,Darling, I Have A Thought...

No,Not Posh. Don't Hurt Her. Ow! Oh.

You Know What,Vera? I Think We're Gonna Go

In Another Direction, So You Can Leave Now.

You're Not Serious? You're Right.

Marc, Get Her Some Flats.

Goin' On A Trip?

My Father Found Out About Henry And Me.

Things Got Messy, So I Moved Out.

And I Know You Said From The Beginning

That It Was A Mistake, But I Would Really Appreciate It

If You Didn't Say, "I Told You So." Betty,Who Am I To Be Giving You Advice On Relationships?

Have You Taken A Look At My Family Lately? Don't Even Talk About Family.

Busting My Ass For The Last Year To Try To Make... I Mean,I Know That He's Trying To Protect Me...

This Magazine Work. Does He Even Once Say,"Nice Job"? But He Can't Just Shelter Me From The Rest Of The World.

He'll Always See Me As This Little Chubby Girl... I'll Always Be The Irresponsible Playboy

Who Blew Through His Trust Fund In A Year. Who's Gonna Get Asthma If She Runs Too Fast.

And You Know What? I Don't Care. And The Joke Is, I Still Care What He Thinks.

M Not Going. What? I'm Not Going. What?

I'm Not Going To His Wedding. I'm Not Going To His Citizenship Ceremony.

Thank You For Listening. You,Too.

Betty.

Hi.

Hilda Called. She Told Me What Happened.

You're Not Staying With Christina.

You're Staying With Me

It's Been A Long Time, Christina.

Oh,And No Rush Hurrying Back

With That Dog Food, By The Way.

Biscuit Died Three Years Ago.

What Do You Want,
Stuart?

I Want To Say
I'm Sorry.

I Know I Wasn't A Very Good Husband,Christina

And You Taking Off
Like That Was...

Well, It Was The Kick
I Needed To Get Myself Some Help.

But Part
Of Me Getting Better

Is Making Amends
To Those I Hurt,

So Here I Am.

Yeah, I'm Sorry
I Ran Out On You.

I Guess
It Was Just Easier To Secretly Put Money Aside
For Two Years,

Hide In A Neighbor's Barn,

Then Wait At The Airport
For Four Days

For A Standby Ticket
To New York

Than It Was To Speak
To My Husband.

I Hear That.

So Do You Think
We Can Ever Be Friends Again?

After We Get You Unpacked,

We Can Go Get
Some Chinese Food.

There's This Really Great--

Betty? Come In.

You've Been
In My Apartment Before.

Oh, Here's Your Key.

Oh, Uh, I Don't Need A Key.
You Have To Have A Key.

But Does This Mean--

I Mean--
I Mean, What Does It Mean?

It Means
You Can Open The Door.

Oh, And Here...

And This Empty Drawer
Means You Can Unpack.

And That Glass Over There

Means You Can Have
A Glass Of Water.

Okay, Uh, Great.

Uh, Yeah, Cool.

Great.

Why Are You Being
So Weird?

I Don't Know, It Just--

This Feels Different.

I Think It Feels Nice.

And, You Know, The Good Part Of All This Stuff
Going On With Your Family

Is We Don't
Have To Hide Anymore.

We Can Be A Real Couple.

Yeah,
We Can Plan Things.

Yeah, Like Christmas.

Oh, Where You Put
The Christmas Tree?

Right Here.
There?

Yeah.
Really?

Wouldn't It Be So Much Better
Over Here On This Wall?

Ah, But The Radiator's
Over There.

Over Here,
It's In The Window.

Everyone Can See It.
But It Blocks The Window.

If It Was Here--
Yeah, You Know What?
Forget Christmas.

Valentine's Day.

Oh, Why Don't We Go Back To That Sushi Restaurant

Where We Had Our First Date?

It's A Pinkberry Now.

Oh, Even Better.
I Hate Sushi.

Oh, Um,
This Could Be Really Fun--

I Heard Hall & Oates Are Gonna
Be In Town...

In April.

Oh.

What?

Uh, April.

Uh, Oh. Oh, God.
Uh, That's Right.

That Was Stupid.

Forget I Said It.
Erase Awkward Moment.

Um, No, I Totally Knew That
You'd Be Back In Tucson By Then.

I Just... I'm Just Gonna Go
And Unpack My Toothbrush

And My Stuff In The Bathroom.

Um, I'll Be Right Back.

Betty, That's The Closet.

Oh, Yeah, I Know.
I Just, Uh, Need A Minute.

You Know, It's Bad Luck

To See The Bride
On Her Wedding Day.

Not For The Bodyguard.

So You Think You Might
Need Some Protection On Your Honeymoon?

Dwayne,
Sweet, Horny Dwayne...

Beat It.

Mama's Weave Can't
Get Sweaty On Her Big Day.

Can I At Least
Take A Shower?

(Sighs) Don't Use
The Good Shampoo.

This Is Room 1220.

I'd Like My Breakfast,
Please.

(Woman) Yes, Ms. Slater.

Last Night Victoria Beckham
Set Gotham Ablaze.

Posh Wore
Her Maid Of Honor Gown

For A Night On The Town.

Once Again, Vicki B.
Has Stolen The Spotlight

From Wilhelmina,
Tigging The Queson,

Whose Big Day Is It?

Okay,
Do I Wear The Flag Tie,

The Flag Pin Or Bo?

If You Wear A Flag Tie,
I'm Leaving The Country.

Pin It Is.

Unbelievable.

One Of The Biggest Days
Of My Life,

And She Doesn't Even Call.

Ay, Papi.

You Know Betty Loves You.

She Doesn't Act Like It.

She Lied
And Disrespected Me,

And All I Wanted To Do
Was Protect Her.

All She's Thinking About
Is Herself.

Okay, D?JAlo, D?JAlo.

Listen, You Have No Idea
What Betty's Done For You.

Hilda, What Are You
Talking About?

I Love That
You've Got A Sex Room.

You've Really Made It.

Well, Technically,

It's Not Really Mine,

But It Was Convenient,
Wasn't It?

So Was It, Um,
As Good As You Remember?

Well, You Didn't Pass Out
Drunk Midway Through,

So I Suppose
It Was A Mild Improvement.

I Missed You,
Christina.

Didn't Think
I'd Missed You.

But You Did?

(Whispers) A Wee Bit.

I'm Gonna Use The Loo.

(Normal Voice)
Do You Know What?
What?

I'd Forgotten About
Good Stuart.

Oh, Good Stuart
Was Always There.

He Was Just...
A Little Lost

And A Lot Pissed.

Well, Just You Remember--

Good Stuart Remembers To Put
The Toilet Seat Down

When He's Finished.

Right.

(Whispers)
Bad, Bad Stuart.

Oh, You're Awake.

Good Morning.

(Muffled Voice)
I Was Gonna Sneak Out

And Brush My Teeth
Before You Woke Up.

What?
No, Don't Be Silly.

You Should Be Comfortable
With Who You Are.

So Listen, I Am Never
In Manhattan On A Saturday.

Yeah?

And There's That Brunch Place
On Bank Street

That Has The Cute Little
Baby Ducks On The Awning,

And I Have No Idea What They
Serve, But The Ducks Are Cute.

(Normal Voice)
Betty, They Serve Baby Duck.

What?

(Laughing)
You're So Easy.

Shut Up.

So I Was Thinking...
Yeah.

After Breakfast,

You And I Could Go
On A Little Adventure.

Ta-Da.
New York Transit Museum?

Mm-Hmm. Well, I Know What A Fan
You Are Of The Subway System,

And There Was That Freaky
Third Rail Experience You Had.

Well,
My Glasses Were Foggy,

But I Do Think
I Saw My Nana Down There.
Yeah, Probably.

Anyway, I Thought
It Would Be Fun.

Yeah.

What? What--What--
What's With The Face?

You Don't Wanna Go?

No, No, Of Course I Do.
Who Wouldn't?

It's Just...

Don't You Think
You Should Go To Your Dad's
Citizenship Ceremony?

No. Henry, No.

I-I Made A Decision,

And Today Is About Us,

And I Wanna Do
Something Crazy And Fun.

New York Transit Museum
It Is.

(Man) And We'll Be Back
With A Ticker Tape Parade...

In Honor Of Victoria Beckham.

Oh, I Thought
You Were Room Service.

I Want To Talk
To My Ther.

Bradford's Suite
Is On The Tenth Floor.

Separate Rooms The Night
Before The Wedding.

You Know What
An Old-Fashioned Girl I Am.

That Must Be
What He Sees In You.

I Want You
To Give These To Him.

I Won't Be Attending
The Wedding.

Oh, What A Shame.

I Guess
I'll Have To Do

Our Mother-Son Dance
With Alexis.

Who Is That?

Posh.

Spice Girl Can't Handle
Spicy Foods. Go Figure.

I'll Make Sure
Bradford Gets These. Bye.

(Laughs)
Come On, I-I Know
I Have That Coupon

For The Transit Museum
Somewhere In My Desk.

You Know, I Really Don't Mind
Paying The Extra 10 Bucks.

I Know, But You Get This Free Subway Map
Shower Curtain With It,

And Hilda
Could Really Use That Because She Still Has Trouble
With The "A" Line,

And There's Just No Reason
For Her To End Up

At The Bronx Zoo
As Often As She Does.

Who's In Wilhelmina's Office?

Daniel?

Oh, Betty, Henry, Hi.

Booze And Pills Weren't Enough?
(Needle Hits Floor)

I See You've Graduated.
I Can Explain--

No, Don't Bother. I Have
Had Enough Of Your Excuses.

I Was So Stupid
To Actually Think--

I'm Sick.

It's My Liver.

All The Drinking
Finally Did Me In.

That Medication's
Just A Band-Aid.

So What Exactly
Are We Talking About Here?

$100,000 For
An Experimental Treatment.

That's The Reason
I'm In New York.

And How Are You
Gonna Get That Money?

I'm Not.

Good News Is
That In Six Months Time,

You Will Be Inheriting
My Mom's Spoon Collection.

Oh, Stuart.

I Have Always Wanted
That Spoon Collection...

Just Not Like This.

Stay In New York.

Why?

I Don't Know How,

But I'm--I'm Gonna
Get You The Money, Okay?

(Whispers) Yeah.

And Then I See Her Bodyguard
Leaving Her Room.

What Else Could It Be,
Right?

Um, Yeah, I Mean,
That Sounds Suspicious.

Did You Hear Anyone Say Anything
At All?

Do You Know If--
No, No I Don't.

I Don't Know Anythg.

But, Daniel, If--If You Think
That This Is True,

Then You Should Go
To Your Father And Tell Him

Before He Marries That Woman.

He Knows How I Feel
About Wilhelmina.

I Can't Go To Him
Without Any Proof.

I Just Wish There Was ???

Ah, Don't Worry About It, Betty.

It's Not Your Problem.

Although, I Think I Am
Gonna Go To His Wedding.

Maybe I Can Get Something
Out Of The Bodyguard.

Good Idea. Yeah.

Because That Guy
Seems Like A Big Dummy.

The Other Day He Said Something
Was A Mute Point. (Scoffs)

That Was Me.

"Moot," "Mute"--
I Get It Now.

Oh...
Well, He's Dumb, Too.

I'm Not Making This Better.

Hi, I'm Amanda Sommers.

I'm Fey Sommers' Daughter.

Oh, Hi There. Hello.

I'm Amanda Sommers.

I Am Fey Sommers' Daughter.

Oh, Hi.

(Lowered Voice)
Being A Celebrity Is So Hard.

Everyone Just Wants
A Piece Of You.

Yeah, How About That?
Hey, Have You Seen Cliff Yet?

(Normal Voice)
Don't Worry.

Your Wide Load Lover Will Be
Here Any Minute.

(Groans) Amanda, No Jokes.
I'm Freaking Out.

I'm Debuting Him Today
As My Boyfriend,

And I Have No Idea What's
Gonna Walk Though That Door.

Sweetie, Relax.

He Can't Fit
Through Those Doors.

Stop It.

Trans-Fatty...

More Than Meets The Eye.

Aw, Look At My Boyfriend.

Who Knew
There Were Hardwood Floors Under That Shag Rug?

Hardwood Floors!

(Chuckles)
That's My Boyfriend.

That's My Boyfriend.
Hardwood Floors.

So... (Chuckles)

What Do You Think?

I Can't Believe
You Did This.

I Knew What A Big Deal It Was
To You, Meeting Your Friends.

I Didn't Want To Be A Jerk.

(Chuckles)
So How Does It Feel?

I'm Sweating,
My Collar's Too Tight...

(Clenched Teeth)
And These Shoes Really Hurt.

Beauty Is Pain, Cliff...

And You Are Hurting Me Bad.

Betty, We Can Go To The Transit Museum
Another Time.

Today You're Going To Your Father's
Citizenship Ceremony.

Betty.

I Already Told You
That I Didn't Want

To Be Anywhere
Near Here, Henry.

Why Would You Do This?

Because You're Pretending You Can Live
Without Your Family, Betty,

But It's Just An Act. I've Seen You Guys Together.

You're Like This... And When I Leave,

They're Gonna Be The Ones
Who Are Here For You.

Rich Old Guy. Hot!

Okay, This Is Weird,

But Has Cliff
Been Talking To That Guy

For Kind Of A Long Time?

Is He Sucking On That Lamb Chop
A Little... Seductively?

Seductively
Or Disgustingly?

Hey. Hi. Come Here.

Oh, He Did Not Just Give Me
The "One Minute" Finger.

Ooh, Denied.

(All)
I Hereby Declare An Oath

That I Absolutely And Entirely

Renounce And Abjure

All Allegiance And Fidelity

To Any Foreign Prince,
State Or Sovereignty,

Of Whom Or Which
I Have Heretofore

Been A Subject Or Citizen...

Gwyneth's Wearing White
To The Wedding?

That Is Such A Bitch Slap.

That I Will Support And Defend
The Constitution And Laws

Of The United States
Of America

Against All Enemies,
Foreign And Domestic,

That I Will Bear True Faith
And Allegiance To The Same.

Hello.

Oh, Hey, Marc,
This Is Tony.

Don't Care.

That Was Rude.
So Is Tramping It Up

With That "Hot Ten Years Ago"
Cater Waiter

With Clearly Waxed Eyebrows.

I Knew They Were Waxed.
He Swears That He Was Born

With The Perfect
Joan Crawford Arch.

Oh, Please, Not Even Joan--

Wait A Minute.
I'm Angry!
About What?

Tony's A Model I've Worked With.
We're Just Friends.

Oh, Please. We're Gay.

There's No Such Thing
As Just Friends.

(Laughs) He's Straight.

Uh, Uh, A Straight Model.

Well, I Guess
The World Is Upside Down.

What Is Wrong With You?

???

A Baby Abandoned
In A Dumpster While Mommy Explores
Her Newfound Hotness.

Well, I've Had It.
Can We--

No M?S.

This Thing
Between Us Is Over.

(Man) Say "Cheese."

Hi.
(Laughs)

Can...

So, D-Dawg, What's Up?

It's Daniel Meade.
We Met.

Bodyguard, Huh? That's
An Interesting Line Of Work.

You Must Get
A Lot Of Action.

Big, Strong, Good-Looking Guy
Like You...

You Hittin' On Me?
No. No, No, No.

No. No, This Is About
You And Wilhelmina.

I Just Need
A Few Answers.

I've Got A Blank Check
For Some Information About...

My Checkbook.
Oh, Damn It.

I Left It On The Dresser.
I Could See It Right There.

Well, Well, Well.

I Thought I Heard
A Meeting Of The Minds.

Game Over, Wilhelmina.

Dwayne Just Told Me
Everything Aut You Two.

Mm, Nice Try, Daniel.

There's Nothing Going On
Between Dwayne And I.

But For Argument's Sake,
Let's Say I Was Enjoying

The Pleasure Of This Tall Glass
Of Chocolate Milk.

I Would Think You'd Run
Straight To Your Father,

But Oh, Wait, You Can't,

And Do You Know Why You Can't?

He Has No Proof.
Dwayne.

I Was Building Up To That.

But He's Right.
You Have No Oof.

I Will See You
At The Altar.

Can You Believe Him?

Suddenly He's The Hottest Guy
In The Room,

And... (Scoffs)

I'm Not Good Enough.

Marc, I Got To Be Honest
With You.

I Do Like His New Suit.

But Seriously,
He's Only 15% Hotter.

Oh, Really? Then Why Is
Every Waiter Serving Him Food?

Why Is Every Bartender
Pouring Him Drinks?

Oh, My God,
It's Happened.

You're Looking Past
The Outside

And Seeing
What's On The Inside.

You're Falling For Him.

You're Falling
For An Average Man.

Oh, God. I Am.

I'm An Average-Man Lover.

What Do I Do?

You Accept It.

You Are Deeper
Than You Think.

It's Okay.
We All Have Flaws.

But I-I Broke Up With Him.

Then You Get Out There,

And You Do
Something Amatic

To Show That Fatty
How Much You Care.

Like, You Run
Through The Airport,

And You
Bust Through Security,

And Just As The Doors
Of The Plane Are Closing,

You Scream At The Top
Of Your Lungs, "Cliff!"

You Calling Me?

Or You Just Go Over There
And Talk To Him.

(Sighs) I'm Sorry
I Said Those Things.

And I'm Sorry That I Didn't
Tell You About Me And Henry.

It's Just...
Dad, You're Right.

I'm Doing Something
Really Stupid.

And You're Gonna
Keep Doing It, Right?

Yeah.

And When He Leaves,
I'm Gonna Fall Apart.

And I Want You To Promise Me
You'll Be Here To Pick Me Up.

I'm Your Father.

Where Else Am I Gonna Be?

You're Still Crying?

Yeah, First He Became
A Citizen,

And Now Betty...

Just Watch Your Tv.

So This Does Mean
You're Coming Back Home, Right?

Yes.

Hilda Told Me What You Did
To Make This Happen.

Hilda Sucks At Secrets.

Daniel's Done So Much
For You, Betty.

You Can't Betray
A Friend For Me.

Dad, If I Tell Daniel
About Wilhelmina,

She'll Try And Do Something
To Mess Up Your Citizenship.

I'm An American Now.

Let Her Try.

All Right, People.
Let's Get This Over With.

I Mean,
Let's Get Me Married Off

To The Most Wonderful Man
In The Whole World.

Actually, Ms. Slater,
There's Just One Problem.

Your Maid Of Honor...

We Can't
Find Her Anywhere.

Oh, Posh Flaked?

Oh, Darn.

Well, I Guess We'll Have
To Go Ahead Without Her.

Poor Thing,
I Hope She's All Right.

All Right, People.
Focus On The Joy.

Flowers!

Hello

Anybody Out There?

I Think The Door's Locked!

This Really Is Major.

Dear Friends,

We Are Gathered Here Today

To Join In Holy Matrimony

Wilhelmina Slater
And Bradford Meade.

I Object!
(Gsts Gasp)

We Haven't Gotten
To That Part Yet.

Oh.

Oh, I Knew It.

I Knew Wilhelmina
Was Sleeping With Her Bodyguard.

When Did You Find Out?

Daniel, It's Not Really
Important. Just Go In There

And Talk To Your Father
And Stop The Wedding!

No, No, No,???

I Mean,
You're My Only Proof.

So Did You Find Out On Your Own?
Did Someone Tell You?

I Saw Them.

Wait, What? When?

Um,

Four Months Ago When I Went
To Wilhelmina's Apartment To Get The Book.

Four Months Ago And You Waited
Till Now To Tell Me?

No, Daniel, It's Not
What It Sounds Like.

It's Very Complicated--

No. It's Not Complicated.

Betty, You Kw I've Been
Trying To Find A Way

To Open My Father's Eyes
About This Woman.

But She Was Using Me--

I Don't Want To Hear
Your Excuses.

Betty,
You're The One Person

I Always Counted On Being
On My Side,

And You Betrayed Me.

For Wilhelmina?

How Could I Ever
Trust You Again?

Daniel, Please--
Just Stop.

I Can't Even Look
At You.

You're Fired.

Do You,
Bradford Emerson Meade,

Take This Woman,
Wilhelmina--

Sorry. Do You--
Do You Need Something?

I Really Need
To Speak With You.

Yes, Just As Soon As He Takes Me
As His Lawfully Wedded Wife.

Let's Go, Bradford.

Really, Dad. It's Important.

Just Give Me A Moment.

Well,
I'll Just Go Ahead

And Do My Part
While You're Gone.

I Do.

Oh, No. I-I'm Sorry.

It Really Doesn't Work
That Way.

(Whispers) Do Something.

(Normal Voice)
Um, Ladies And Gentlemen,

While We Wait
For The Ceremony To Resume,

Perhaps A Song
From Our Own Amanda Sommers,

Daughter Of The Late,
Great Fey Sommers.
(Amanda Whispers) What?

(Lowered Voice)
Your 15 Minutes Are Almost Up.

Quincy Jones
Is In The Fourth Row.

Now Sing, Bitch.

Why ??

My...

???

And ?

U ???

To Try To Poison
This Relationship, Wouldn't You?

I've Got To Admit,
I Admire Your Tenacity.

Look, I Am Not
Making This Up.

Betty Saw Them Together!

Oh, Really?

Then How Come Betty's Not
Here Telling Me This?

She... She's Gone.

How Convenient.
You're Unbelievable.

I Am The Only One
Willing To Be Honest With You.

Will You At Least Consider
The Possibility--

I Am Not Gonna
Throw Away Something

Based On Some Crazy Accusation
Made By Some Assistant.

Look At You.

You're Sweating, Dad.

Maybe It's Because Deep Inside,
You Know This Is Wrong.

I'm Sweating
Because You Are Driving

My Blood Pressure Up
By The Minute.

That Woman
Doesn't Love You At All!

Get Out Of My Way.

Everything All Right?

Yeah, Fine.
Please, Continue.

(Man Clears Throat) Do You,
Bradford Emerson Meade,

Take This Woman,
Wilhelmina Vivian Slater...

(Voice Distorts)
As Your Lawful Wedded Wife

To Have And To Hold

From This Day Forward

In Sickness And In Health

For Richer Or For Poorer...

In Good Times And In Bad...

For As Long
As You Both Shall Live?

Oh, My God! Dad!

(Wilhelmina) Bradford!

Someone Call 9-1-1.

(Daniel) Come On, Dad.

Don't You Die!

Don't You Dare Die!

Wilhelmina!

Come On, Dad, Breathe.

One One Thousand.
Two One Thousand.

Three One Thousand.
Four One Thousand.

Five One Thousand.
Come On, Dad.

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