Ugly Betty (2006–2010): Season 2, Episode 3 - Betty's Wait Problem - full transcript

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AND ????

IF BRADFORD MEADE
IS YO' DADDY.

(man) IT'S YOUR MOTHER'S
BELOVED DOG HALSTON.

PARTIAL RETROGRADE AMNESIA?
THE LAST THING
ALEXIS REMEMBERS

IS MOM'S BIRTHDAY PARTY
TWO YEARS AGO.

WITH ALEXIS
STILL IN THE HOSPITAL,

I WANT TO POSTPONE
THE WEDDING.

YOUR FATHER WAS A HERO.

?????

(Justin) NO, I'M NOT.



IT LOOKS LIKE WE'LL NEED
AN INTERN AROUND THE OFFICE

FOR THE NEXT COUPLE OF WEEKS
BEFORE SCHOOL STARTS.

OH, MY GOD!

AND MY DAD'S
ILL STUCK IN MEXICO.

(Ignacio) I KILLED IGNACIO SUAREZ?

????

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING
ABOUT THIS BABY OF YOURS.

CHRISTINA TOLD ME ABOUT CHARLIE,
THAT SHE CHEATED ON ME.

CHARLIE WAS THE ONLY REASON
WE COULDN'T BE TOGETHER.

I WANT TO BE WITH YOU,
BETTY.

HENRY,'RE DRUNK.

(slurs)
AND YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

HENRY, STOP.

LOOK, THIS IS NOT HOW I EVER
PICTURED US BEING TOGETHER.



YOU'RE DRUNK
OF... WINE COOLERS.

"MELON AND APRICOT."
IT'S GROSS.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON.

I HAD A CIGARETTE, TOO.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT
CHARLIE AND THAT DENTIST?

I...

LOOK, I'VE WANTED TO.
I JUST...

STARTED THINKING THAT MAYBE
IT WASN'T THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

HENRY,
THERE IS A BABY INVOLVED.

WHICH MIGHT NOT BE MINE.
BUT MAYBE IT IS,

AND I-I CAN'T GET
MY HEART BROKEN AGAIN.

IT'S LIKE THE WHOLE WORLD
IS TELLING US

WE SHOULDN'T BE TOGETHER.

WE'RE LIKE
MELON AND APRICOT.

LOOK,
I DO WANT TO BE WITH YOU.

I DO, IT'S...

IT'S JUST--
WE DON'T KNOW WHOSE BABY IT IS,

AND WE JUST HAVE TO WAIT,

AND I CAN DO THAT

IF YOU CAN.

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(Daniel) WOW.
(Amanda) YEAH.

THAT'S IT?
THOSE ARE
THE D.N.A. RESULTS.

SO, UH, H-HOW MANY TIMES
DO YOU THINK WE...

ALOT, BUT JUST REMEMBER,

IF YOUR DAD'S D.N.A.
DOES MATCH MINE,

WE'RE ONLY HALF BROTHER
AND SISTER,

WHICH MEANS IF WE DID IT,
LIKE, 20 TIMES,

IT WAS ONLY WRONG TEN.
OKAY, THAT ACTUALLY
MADE SENSE TO ME.

YOU ARE SO MY SISTER.
OH, MY GOD.
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

(gasps)
BRADFORD'S NOT MY FATHER!
YOU'RE NOT MY SISTER?

KISSING ISN'T WEIRD AT ALL.
IT'S GREAT.
WE'RE NOT RELATED.

WE COULD KISS ALL WE WANT,
RIGHT?

YEAH,
WE CAN TOTALLY DO THIS.

NOTHING TABOO HERE.

(giggles)
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHY DON'T WE HOP IN--

DANIEL, NO. I HAVE
UNRESOLVED ISSUES WITH YOU.

SO JUST SQUEEZE A BOOB,
BECAUSE I HAVE TO GO.

OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS SO HUMILIATING.

I'VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE.

TRY THIS.

IT'S TOMATO JUICE, RAW EGG
AND A LITTLE BACON GREASE...

A TRICK I LEARNED
IN HIGH SCHOOL.

HANGOVER GONE
BY THIRD PERIOD.

TASTES AS GOOD AS IT SOUNDS.

SORRY WE DIDN'T
TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF

BEFORE YOU WENT
TO BED LAST NIGHT,

BUT WE COULD NOT UNTIE
THOSE DOUBLE KNOTS.

I WORRY ABOUT TRIPPING.

SO YOU MUST BE DYING
TO CALL THAT BITCH.

CHARLIE?

HONESTLY, I'M AFRAID TO.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO
WHEN I HEAR HER VOICE.

I' NEVER BEEN THIS MAD.

THIS IS YOU MAD?

YEAH.

I FEEL LIKE
A FEMALE ORANGUTAN

WHEN SHE'S IN ESTROUS

AND A NONDOMINANT MALE
TRIES TO MOUNT HER.

SHE JUST BARES HER FANGS
AND ATTACKS BLINDLY.

THAT STORY
WOULD BE MORE EFFECTIVE

IF YOU COMPARED YOURSELF
TO THE MALE ORANGUTAN,

AND IF I KNEW
WHAT ESTROUS WAS.

YOU HUNGRY?

OH! OH.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE NOT MAD AT ME
FOR SPILLING THE BEANS.

HE HAD TO FIND OUT SOMEHOW,
RIGHT?

YEAH. SO WHAT ????
I DON'T KNOW.

WAIT,
TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT,

WHICH IS EASY,
BECAUSE I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO

FOR THIS BENEFIT TONIGHT.

OH, PLEASE, DON'T TALK TO ME
ABOUT THE BLACK & WHITE BALL.

I HAVE BEEN GLUING CRAP
ONTO THESE THINGS FOR TWO WEEKS.

GLITTER CAME OUT IN MY PEE
YESTERDAY.

YEAH,
BUT IT'S ALL FOR CHARITY,

AND IT'S DANIEL'S
FAVORITE EVENT OF THE YEAR.

HE GETS TO GO UP ONSTAGE
AND PRESENT

THAT GIANT CHECK THINGY.

YEAH, MEN GET EXCITED ABOUT
THINGS LIKE THAT, DON'T THEY?

(bell tinkles)
OH, YAY! THE SANDWICH GUY!

I GOT TOO EXCITED, RIGHT?

WELL, MAYBE.

OKAY, CHICKEN AND CHEESE SPECIAL
ON A BAGUETTE.

NO CHICKEN, NO CHEESE,
NO BAGUETTE.

I JUST SOLD HER
A PLATE OF LETTUCE FOR 7 BUCKS.

YES, BUT THAT'S HER BREAKFAST,
LUNCH AND DINNER,

SO REALLY, IT'S A BARGAIN.
MM.

COULD I PLEASE GET
THE TURKEY SUN-DRIED TOMATO

ON A BAGUETTE, PLEASE?
YES! MAN,
I KNEW YOU WERE AN EATER.

OH. THANK YOU...

I GUESS.

SO YOU'RE NEW.
WHAT HAPPENED TO ROBERT?

YOU KNOW,
I THINK HE INHERITED MONEY...

OR WAS ARRESTED.

OH.

I DON'T KNOW. THERE WAS
A LAWYER AND CASH INVOLVED.

WELL, WELCOME.

HEY, BETTY. CAN YOU GET ME THIS
FOR THE, UH, BENEFIT TONIGHT?

UH, OKAY, YES. THANK YOU.

DANIEL!

THE iBOT
MOTORIZED WHEELCHAIR?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO BE WALKING BY TODAY

NO, I STILL NEED THERAPY.

I'M
STILL IN A LOT OF PAIN, BETTY.

THANKS.

OK, I KNOW
THAT YOU FEEL REALLY BAD

ABOUT THIS WHOLE
ALEXIS THING...

BUT DO YOU THINK
MAYBE YOUR PAIN

COULD BE MORE EMOTIONAL
THAN PHYSICAL?

MY LEG ISN'T CRYING, BETTY.
IT'S HURTING.

JUST GET ME THE WHEELCHAIR,
OKAY?

OKAY, I'LL JUST ADD IT
TO MY LIST.
OH, AND ABOUT THE CHECK.

CAN YOU, UM, MAKE SURE
THE CHECK IS BIG,

BUT NOT SO BIG IT MAKES
MY HEAD LOOK SMALL?
OKAY.

AND IT SHOULD BE...
(clears throat) BLUE OR GREEN.

BLUE. GOT IT.
SEE, 'CAUSE LAST YEAR,
IT WAS BEIGE,

AND IN ALL THE PHOTOS,
I WAS KINDA WASHED OUT.

WHATEVER YOU NEED.

(telephone rings)
DANIEL MEADE'S OFFICE.

FASHION GIVES BACK--

ONCE AGAIN, IT'S
THE "MODE" BLACK & WHITE BALL

BENEFITING
NEW YORK CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL.

YES, THE CLOTHES
WILL BE FABULOUS

AND THE KIDS WILL BE SICK.

UNFORTUNATELY, THIS YEAR,
CLAIRE MEADE WILL NOT BE ABLE

TO FULFILL
HER USUAL HOSTESS DUTIES

AS SHE'S ON THE LAM,
WHICH, I UNDERSTAND,

IS WHAT MARIO BATALI
IS SERVING AS THE MAIN COURSE.

BUT IN THE SPIRIT
OF BLACK & WHITE,

THE BALL WILL BE PRESIDED
OVER BY BRADFORD MEADE

AND FIANC?E WILHELMINA SLATER.

OR SHOULD I SAY EX-FIANC?E?

SINCE APPARENTLY, THE WEDDING
HAS BEEN POSTPONED.

TROUBLE IN PARADISE?
TURN IT OFF.

UGH.
THIS IS SO HUMILIATING.

MY CLOSEST FRIENDS IN THE WORLD
WILL BE THERE TONIGHT.

CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW HAPPY
THIS IS GONNA MAKE THEM?

OH! IT'S JUST
A TEMPORARY SETBACK.

YOU'LL STILL HAVE THE WEDDING
IN A FEW MONTHS.

IF BRADFORD THINKS
HE LOVES YOU NOW,

HE'LL THINK
HE LOVES YOU THEN.
THE LONGER WE WAIT,

THE MORE TIME BRADFORD'S SPAWN
WILL HAVE TO TALK HIM OUT OF IT.

(sighs)
I'M DONE, MARC. IT'S OVER.

NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME, LADY.

THE WILHELMINA SLATER I KNOW
AND OCCASIONALLY WISH I WAS

DOES NOT THROW IN THE TOWEL

JUST BECAUSE
THE OLD MAN SHE'S SCAMMING

HAS SUDDENLY GONE ALL SOFT
FOR HIS TRAMNESIAC DAUGHTER.

YOU'RE TOUCHING ME.

IT WAS A RISK.
OH.

I JUST DIDN'T COUNT ON
THE FATHER/DAUGHTER REBONDING.

I HATE THAT LOVE WON OUT.
WELL, MAYBE SOMEONE SHOULD
REMIND DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL

THAT SHE HATES DADDY,
AND THAT SHE SPENT

THE LAST TWO YEARS
TRYING TO BRING HIM DOWN.

WAIT A MINUTE.
AAH!

OH, DID I SAY SOMETHING SMART?
I LOVE IT WHEN I DO THAT.

HOW ARE YOU AT PHOTOSHOP?
A-MAH-ZING.

I'M ABOUT TO REWRITE HISTORY.

THIS SURE BEATS A 40-OUNCE.

THE WEDDING'S POSTPONED.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?

WILHELMINA IS LOSING
HER GRIP ON BRADFORD.

WHY WE GOTTA TALK ABOUT HIM
DURING FAMILY TIME?

I MADE THIS RUM PUNCH
OUT OF POMEGRANATE.

THERE AIN'T NO MORE GUAVA.

YOGA, PLEASE. IF I'M EVER
GOING TO GET HIM BACK, IT'S NOW.

I'VE GOT TO GO
TO THAT BALL TONIGHT.

I'VE GOT TO TALK TO HIM.

YOU A WANTED FELON.
CINDERELLA CAN'T GO TO NO BALL.

SHE CAN
IF IT'S A MASKED BALL.

OH, HEY! UH,
I'M GLAD YOU'RE STILL HERE.

THERE'S JUST A LITTLE PROBLEM
WITH MY SANDWICH.

OH, MAN. IS THERE A HAIR?

I'M, LIKE, THE ONLY ONE LEFT
IN MY FAMILY WITH A FULL HEAD.

UH, NO. IT'S JUST THAT THERE ARE
ONLY THREE SUN-DRIED TOMATOES.

YEAH. YEAH, I KNOW.
I MADE IT.

OH, OKAY.

UH, IT'S JUST THAT ROBERT
WOULD ALWAYS PUT MORE,

SO...

SORRY. I DON'T KNOW
WHERE ROBERT IS.

I'M NOT HIS KEEPER, OKAY?

BUT ROBERT DIDN'T KNOW JACK
ABOUT FOOD.

A SUN-DRIED TOMATO
IS A CONCENTRATED FLAVOR.

MORE THAN THREE
ON A SANDWICH

WOULD OVERWHELM
THE SMOKY FLAVOR OF THE TURKEY.

OKAY, UH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK MY TURKEY CAN HANDLE IT.

SO COULD I JUST PLEASE HAVE
SOME MORE SUN-DRIED TOMATOES?

NAH.

IT WOULD BE WRONG.

I-I WANT MY SANDWICH
THE WAY I WANT MY SANDWICH.

WOW.

(chuckles) YOU KNOW,
WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU,

I THOUGHT, "WOW. THERE GOES
A GIRL FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE?"

NOW I SEE YOU'RE JUST LIKE ALL
THE OTHER SPOILED "MODE" GIRLS.

NO. NO, I'M NOT!

YOU KNOW, I BET
BEFORE YOU GOT HERE,

YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT A SUN-DRIED TOMATO WAS.

YOU JUST REACHED INTO THE CART

AND PULLED OUT WHATEVER
HAD THE MOST CHEESE.
I...

I STILL EAT CHEESE.

I MEAN, HOW DARE HE ACT
LIKE HE KNOWS WHO I AM?

AND WH-WHY DO I EVEN HAVE
TO EXPLAIN MYSELF?

OKAY, BETTY, NOT REALLY SURE
WHY YOU'RE SO UPSET.

SUN-DRIED TOMATOES,
REALLY?

I MEAN, DON'T YOU FIND THEM
KIND OF SALTY AND BREATHY?

NO, IT'S NOT JUST THAT.
IT'S...

I MEAN,
HE WAS SO RUDE TO ME.

BETTY, YOU NEED
TO CALM DOWN, OKAY?

I MEAN, GO ONLINE TO THAT--
THAT WEB SITE YOU LIKE.

YOU KNOW,
THE ONE WITH THE BABY DUCKS

WHO THINK THE CAT'S
THEIR MOTHER?

socuteitssick.com--
I LOVE THAT WEB SITE.

EXCEPT ONE OF THE BABY DUCKS
IS MISSING.

ALL RIGHT,
WHAT IS THIS GUY'S NAME?

I DON'T KNOW.

SOMETHING LAME, LIKE GIO.

Come back for what?

For a chance to run.

HEY, PAPI.
HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING?

SE?OR DELGADO'S
IN A LOT OF TROUBLE.

DO YOU THINK
THEY'RE GONNA KILL HIM?

LET'S HOPE NOT.
(gun cocks)

HEY, DID YOU BOOK
YOUR FLIGHT YET?

NOT YET. I JUST WANTED
TO CALL AND SAY...

I LOVE YOU ALL.

AY. YOU'RE SUCH
A NERVOUS FLYER.

IT'S GONNA BE FINE.
OOH, IT IS GETTING GOOD.

OKAY, I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
LOVE YOU, BYE.

YOU SEE? I'M NOT SUCH A MONSTER.
I LET YOU SAY GOOD-BYE.

AT LEAST TELL ME
WHAT YOU WANT.

WHO ARE YOU?
(door opens)

(man) I THINK YOU KNOW
MY FATHER.

RAMIRO VASQUEZ.

IT SEEMS YOU DID NOT KILL ME
AFTER ALL.

UH, NO,
FRIDAY DOESN'T REALLY HELP ME.

I REALLY NEED TO GET
THE WHEELCHAIR HERE TONIGHT.

WELL, THIS THING
CAN WALK AND TALK.

CAN'T YOU JUST STICK IT
ON THE TURNPIKE

AND GIVE IT MONEY FOR TOLLS?
THANK YOU.

OKAY,
SO YOU DON'T GET SARCASM.

COULD YOU PLEASE
JUST HOLD IT FOR ME,

AND I-I PROMISE
I WILL FIND A WAY TO--

WELL, YOU MUST BE HAPPY

UM, I'LL CALL YOU BACK.
WHY?

I JUST GOT FIRED

BECAUSE YOU WENT CRYING
TO YOUR BOSS.

NOW I DON'T HAVE A JOB.

OH, MAN. I'M GONNA HAVE
TO GO BACK TO STEALING CABLE

FROM MY NEIGHBOR,
WHICH I DON'T FEEL RIGHT ABOUT,

ALL BECAUSE
SOME LITTLE "MODE" GIRL

WASN'T HAPPY
WITH HER SANDWICH.

NO, LOOK, I WASN'T TRYING
TO GET YOU FIRED. I WAS JUST--

YEAH, WELL,
NONETHELESS, YOU DID.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY,
THAT'S IT FOR ME,

BUT BEFORE I GO,

THERE IS NO SUCH THING
AS FAT-FREE MAYO.

THERE'S 125 CALORIES OF PURE FAT
PER TABLESPOON,

AND I PUT TWO IN EVERY SANDWICH.

OOH!

SEE YOU AROUND,

"MODE" GIRL.

(Marc) NICE, BETTY.

YOU'RE FINALLY ONE OF US.

NO.

NO, I'M NOT ONE OF YOU.

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WILHELMINA, YOU DIDN'T HAVE
TO GO TO THIS MUCH TROUBLE.

WELL, SOMEONE'S GOTTA TEACH YOU
HOW TO BE A WOMAN AGAIN.

(sighs) IT'S SO FRUSTRATING.

IT'S LIKE I FINALLY GOT
THE SPORTS CAR I ALWAYS WANTED,

BUT I FORGOT
HOW TORIVE A STICK.

OR MAYBE IN THIS CASE,
IT'S MORE LIKE AN AUTOMATIC.

DON'T WORRY. YOU'RE NOT GOING
THROUGH TH ALONE.

I'M HERE. THAT'S WHAT
BEST FRIENDS ARE FOR.

IT'S SO CRAZY. I CAN'T
REMEMBER OUR FRIENDSHIP.

WELL, THAT'S WHY
I BROUGHT THIS.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
GIRLS, COME ON. OFF, OFF.

SHE'S A TRANNY,
NOT A DRAG QUEEN. LET'S GO.

(woman) DR. FISHMAN
TO RADIOLOGY.

I HAVE PICTURES
OF ALL KINDS OF FUN

THE TWO OF US HAD
THE PAST YEAR.

MAYBE IT'LL JOG YOUR MEMORY.

OH, HERE WE ARE
AT FASHION WEEK,

AND THAT'S MY BIRTHDAY.
YOU MADE ME DRINK

SOMETHING CALLED
AN IRISH CAR BOMB.

MM. I HAD A HANGOVER
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 20 YEARS.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

SORRY. I GUESS A BIT OF ALEX
MUST HAVE SLIPPED IN THERE.

OH.

WE SQUARE DANCE?

WOW. I DON'T REMEMBER
ANY OF THIS.

OH, UH, APPARENTLY,
WE LOVE TO DO-SI-DO.

AND HERE WE ARE...
MARCHING FOR GAY RIGHTS.

SO ARE WE...

NO, NO. JUST POLITICAL.

I REALLY HAVE TO GO. I NEED
TO CHECK ON YOUR FATHER.

I HOPE HE'S GOTTEN
OUT OF BED TODAY.

WELL, WHAT'S WRONG?
IS HE SICK?

NO, NO, NO. IT'S...
IT'S--IT'S NOTHING.

JUST FORGET
I SAID ANYTHING.

BESIDES,
BRADFORD WOULD KILL ME.

WILHELMINA,
YOU HAVE TO TELL ME.

I MEAN,
WE'RE FRIENDS, RIGHT?

BEST FRIENDS.

GOD. I HAVE MISSED
TALKING TO YOU.

LOOK, I'M REALLY WORRIED
ABOUT YOUR FATHER.

HE'S BEEN DEVASTATED SINCE
HE POSTPONED HIS WEDDING.

WHAT?

HE'S GETTING MARRIED AGAIN?
TO WHO?

TO YOUR...

BEST FRIEND.

I'M ACTUALLY KIND OF BUMMED
MR. MEADE'S NOT MY FATHER.

I MEAN,
HE IS RICH AND BALD.

(gasps)
YOUR DADDY WARBUCKS FANTASY.

I DON'T KNOW
WHY THAT'S SO STRONG.

OKAY, CAN WE FORGET AND FOCUS ON YOUR MOTHER

AND WHAT BEING FEY SOMMERS'
DAUGHTER CAN GET US?

AND BY "US," I MEAN YOU,
AND BY "YOU," I MEAN ME.

THINK ABOUT IT--
THE INVITES, THE SWAG.

(gasps) YOU ARE RIGHT.

I AM FREAKIN'
FEY SOMMERS' DAUGHTER.

AND... GENIUS IDEA.

YOUR COMING-OUT PARTY

IS TONIGHT
AT THE BLACK & WHITE BALL.

YAY!
(gasps) IT IS?

IT'S PERFECT.
THIS WAS FEY'S BIG EVENT.

EVERY YEAR, SHE WOULD ARRIVE
IN SOME FABULOUS RED GOWN

AND UTTER HER FAMOUS LINES...

(imitates Fey)
"BLACK & WHITE BALL?

I GUESS
I DIDN'T GET THE MEMO."

I CAN TOTALLY DO THAT.

AND WHEN YOU ARRIVE
HOLDING HER UGLY MUTT,

THERE WILL
BE A MEDIA FEEDING FRENZY,

AND I WILL BE RIGHT THERE
TO FEAST ON WHATEVER SCRAPS

ARE LEFT AFTER THEY'RE DONE
WITH YOUR CARCASS.

NOPE. TOO ANGRY.

CALM DOWN, HENRY.

(Marc)
HEY, GRUBSTINK!

GRUBSTINK!
WE NEED OUR CHECKS EARLY.

YEAH, I GOTTA BUY ME
A RED DRESS, GRUBSTANK.

IT'S GRUBSTICK.

(pounds desk)
GRUBSTICK. GOT IT?

IT'S ONE OF THE OLDEST
AND MOST HONORED NAMES

IN DUTCH HISTORY,
WHICH LOOSELY TRANSLATES TO,

"HE WHO GIVES THE FAIREST PRICE
FOR HIS BRICKS."

THE NAME IS VENERATED, AND I AM
PROUD TO BE A GRUBSTICK.

DID HE JUST GET
REALLY HOT?

I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE ATTRACTED
TO ANYONE IN MY LIFE.

CHARLIE, THIS IS HENRY.

CALL ME AS SOON AS YOU GET THIS.
WE NEED TO TALK.

HEY, JUSTIN.
HOW YOU DOING?

OKAY.

BEEN HAVING KIND OF
A TOUGH TIME LATELY, HUH?

I GUESS.

DO YOU KNOW
HOW TO PLAY BASKETBALL?

SURE.

BACK AT HARVARD, THEY USED TO
CALL ME DR. SWISH.

IT'S JUST
A BASKETBALL TERM.

WHY DO YOU ASK?

I WANT TO LEARN HOW TO PLAY.

REALLY? BASKETBALL?

MY DAD LOVED IT.

THIS WAS HIS.

COME ON.

LET'S GO SHOOT SOME HOOPS.

WAIT. SANDWICH GUY!
OH, MAN.

GIO! LOOK, I'M SORRY
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TODAY,

BUT I JUST FINISHED TALKING
TO YOUR BOSS,

AND YOU CAN
HAVE YOUR JOB BACK.

WOW. THAT WAS...
THAT WAS NICE OF YOU.

SEE? I'M NOT A "MODE" GIRL.

A "MODE" GIRL
WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.

YEAH, I GUESS NOT,
BUT THAT'S OKAY.

I DON'T WANT IT BACK.

WHY?

BECAUSE LOSING THAT JOB

WAS EXACTLY THE KICK
IN THE BUTT I NEEDED.

IT WAS TAKING ME AWAY
FROM MY 5-YEAR PLAN.

WHAT'S HAPPENING IN FIVE YEARS?

TO START MY OWN PLACE,
YOU KNOW?

GIO'S SANDWICH DEPOT.

300 SEATS, A THOUSAND KINDS
OF SANDWICHES

AND THE WORLD'S LONGEST
CONDIMENT BAR.

YOU NAME IT, IT'S ON THERE.
GO AHEAD. NAME ONE.

UM... MUSTARD?

OF COURSE THERE'S GONNA
BE MUSRD THERE.

COME ON.
USE YOUR IMAGINATION.
SORRY.

????

GIO'S COULD BE HUGE.

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT I
STILL FEEL KIND OF GUILTY

ABOUT GETTING YOU FIRED.

YOU DON'T HAVE A JOB.

WELL...

SOMETHING WILL TURN UP.

HEY!

(Betty) WAIT!

YOU HAVE A VAN.
WE NEED A VAN.

WOULD YOU DRIVE ME TO NEW JERSEY
TO PICK UP A WHEELCHAIR?

WE'D PAY YOU.
SURE, I COULD DO THAT.

GET IN.

SAUERKRAUT?

DON'T EMBARRASS YOURSELF.

MY FATHER LEFT MY MOM FOR YOU?

OH, THIS MEMORY LOSS
MUST BE FRUSTRATING.

CLAIRE IS THE ONE
THAT LEFT YOUR FATHER.

AND YOU WERE RIGHT THERE to move in.

WELL, IT--
IT WASN'T LIKE THAT AT ALL.

I WAS JUST TRYING
TO BE THERE FOR HIM--

A SHOULDER TO LEAN ON,

SOMEONE TO BRING HIM SOUP--

AND I NEVER COULD HAVE PREDICTED
THAT WE'D FALL IN LOVE,

BUT WE DID.

WELL, IF HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH,
WHY'D HEALL OFF THE WEDDING?

BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU MORE.

WITH THE ACCIDENT AND ALL,
HE DIDN'T WANT TO UPSET YOU.

I JUST HOPE HIS...

HIS HEART CAN TAKE IT.

WILHELMINA, WAIT.

THAT WAS QUITE A BEATING YOU
GAVE ME ALL THOSE YEARS AGO.

AS I REMEMBER, IT WAS TO PROTECT
ROSA FROM ONE OF YOUR BEATINGS.

SHE WAS MY WIFE.
I HAD THE RIGHT.

GET YOUR FEET DOWN,
YOU ANIMAL!
AY! AAH!

MY COOK RAN AWAY
WITH MY WIFE.

YOU HUMILIATED ME.

THE ONLY THING THAT KEPT ME
GOING THROUGH THE YEARS

WAS THE HOPE THAT...
MAYBE ONE DAY...

I COULD HAVE MY REVENGE.

IT SEEMS
THAT DAY HAS COME.

SO YOU WANT ME DEAD?

PERHAPS.

BUT RIGHT NOW,

I WANT MY FLAN.

YOUR FLAN?

YOUR BEST DESSERT.

SOMETIMES I WAKE UP,
AND I MISS MY WIFE.

SOMETIMES I MISS MY FLAN.

YOU'RE INSANE.

NO.

JUST HUNGRY.

YOU'LL MAKE YOUR FLAN...

MAYBE I SPARE YOUR LIFE.

REMEMBER THAT. ALL RIGHT,
YOU CAN DO THIS. LET'S SHOOT.

BUT YOU'RE DRIBBLING
WITH ONE HAND, RIGHT? NOT TWO.
OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, SO YOU WANNA
STEP OFF WITH YOUR LEFT,

BOUNCE IT IN WITH YOUR RIGHT,
OKAY?

ALL RIGHT, ONE HANDED.

(man) OH, NICE, NICE.
OKAY, LET'S TRY AGAIN.

MAYBE LOSE THE BRACELETS,
I DON'T KNOW.

COME ON, JUSTIN.

WE CAN DO THIS.
YOU JUST GOTTA CONCENTRATE.

(Daniel) ONE HAND, JUSTIN.
(Justin) I CAN'T.

JUSTIN, YOU HAVE
TO VISUALIZE, OKAY?

OKAY, SO LINE IT UP
AND MAKE THE SHOT.

LEFT FOOT.
(grunts)

NO, NO, NO.
HERE, JUST WATCH ME.

YOU CAN WALK?

UH... BASKETBALL MIRACLE.

TAKE IT, BETTY.

UH, MM...

(off- key) * T-THE HURT
YOU CAUSED WHEN YOU WALKED *
AHEM. THAT'S A...

(turns off radio)
THAT'S A REALLY HARD SONG
TO SING.

SO TELL ME,
IF YOU'RE NOT A "MODE" GIRL,

THEN WHY DO YOU WORK THERE?
IT'S A GREAT OPPORTUNITY.

IT'S GONNA OPEN
A LOT OF DOORS FOR ME.

I WANT TO HAVE
A MAGAZINE OF MY OWN ONE DAY.

AH. HOW--
HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

I'M AN ASSISTANT NOW, BUT THEN
I WANT TO BE WRITING FOR ONE.

YOU'RE A WRITER?
MM-HMM.

THAT'S COOL.
WHAT HAVE YOU WRITTEN?

A LO

ACTUALLY, I PRACTICALLY RAN
THE QUEENS COLLEGE NEWSPAPER,

BUT SINCE I'VE LEFT,
THE QUALITY HAS GONE WAY DOWN.

NO, I MEAN LATELY.

UH, WELL... (sighs)

NOTHING REALLY, BUT I DO
HAVE A LOT OF IDEAS.

GOOD.
KEEPING IT ALL UP THERE.

THAT'S HOW HEMINGWAY DID IT.

HE WAS THINKING,
"WHAT A NICE MORNING,"

AND "THE SUN ALSO RISES" JUST
MAGICALLY APPEARED ON THE PAGE.

ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF ME?

NO, NO, NO. I'M SORRY.
I JUST, YOU KNOW,

I HOPE YOU'RE NOT
ONE OF THESE PEOPLE

WHO JUST WAITS
FOR THINGS TO HAPPEN.
NO.

I MEAN, WHAT ARE YOU,
LIKE, 30 NOW?

I'M 23.

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

HOW ABOUT YOU WORRY
ABOUT DRIVING? OKAY?

(scoffs) YOU'RE FAKING IT
TO MEET GIRLS?

IT'S THIS ONE GIRL.
SHE'S MY NEW PHYSICAL THERAPIST.

SHE IS JUST--
SHE'S SO TOTALLY...

SMART.

LOOK, WE DON'T HAVE
TO TELL YOUR AUNT BETTY, DO WE?

SHE ALREADY THINKS
I'M A TOTAL SCREWUP.

I PROMISE I WILL HAVE
A TOTAL RECOVERY NEXT WEEK,

JUST AS SOON
AS I'VE HAD ONE,

UH, REALLY SMART CONVERSATION
WITH HER. DEAL?

YOU'RE KIND OF A DOG.

I AM.

YOU REMIND ME OF MY DAD.

NOW THIS MACHINE HAS TO COME
BACK IN PRISTINE CONDITION.

YOU GOT IT? PRISTINE.

HOW DO I WANT IT BACK?

DON'T WORRY.
IT'LL BE PERFECT.

(quietly) I THINK HE WANTED YOU
TO SAY "PRISTINE."

PRISTINE.

NOW JUST ONE SECOND.

THIS...

THIS ISN'T
THE iBOT WE RESERVED.

YEAH. NICK LACHEY'S PEOPLE
JUST CALLED.

HE TWISTED HIS ANKLE
IN A GYROTONICS CLASS.

PROBABLY DIDN'T STRETC
ANYWAY, WE'RE GIVING IT TO HIM.

BUT... BUT...
MY BOSS WANTED THE iBOT.

YEAH, SAD STORY.
YOU'RE GETTING THIS ONE.
(cell phone rings)

HELLO?

BUT THAT'S NOT FAIR.
(man) YEAH.

WE RESERVED THE iBOT.
WE PAID FOR IT,

AND HE'S GIVING US
THE... TULIP?

DANIEL CAN'T RIDE
A TULIP.

GIVE HIM A GOOD REASON
TO GIVE IT TO YOU.

COME ON.
YOU'RE A WRITER.

MAKE UP A GOOD STORY.

(man) WE'LL DELIVER IT
TOMORROW.

EXCUSE ME.

YEAH,
I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

SIR?

UM, LOOK, I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T
EVEN BE TALKING ABOUT THIS,

BUT MY BOSS WORKS
FOR THE C.I.A.

YEAH, AND WE REALLY NEED
THAT CHAIR.

HOW COULD HE HAVE BELIEVED
THAT CRAZY STORY?

'CAUSE IT WAS GOOD.

WELL, I Y HAVE BORROWED
A LITTLE OF IT

FROM "CASINO ROYALE,"
BUT I DID PUT MY OWN SPIN ON IT.

HELLS YEAH, YOU DID.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE YOU ARE
A WRITER AFTER ALL.

THANKS. MAYBE I AM.

WAIT A MINUTE.

IS THIS REAL?

AM I PINNING
AN ENDANGERED SPECIES HERE?

IF YOU REALLY WANT
TO FEEL BAD,

I HAVE A HAT
MADE OF BALD EAGLE.

(singsongy) GUESS WHO JUST
CALLED BRADFORD TO HER BEDSIDE.

TOOK HERONG ENOUGH.

LOOKS LIKE SHE'LL BE GIVING
HER BLESSING FOR THIS WEDDING

WITHIN THE HOUR.

PERFECT. EVERYTHING IS GOING
ACCORDING TO MY PLAN.

(gasps) SOFT.

OH! HARD.
WHAT WAS THAT FOR?

SQUARE DANCING.

BETTER THAN I REMEMBER.

KILL HIM ANYWAY.

THIS ONE ALMOST WENT IN,

BUT I TOUCHED SOMETHING GROSS
ON THE POLE.

WOW, HONEY. GOOD FOR YOU

SO...
THIS BASKETBALL THING--

THIS IS SOMETHING
YOU'RE GONNA BE DOING FOR, UM,

A LITTLE WHILE?

YEAH. I LIKE IT,
AND I THINK I'M GETTING BETTER.

(glass shatters)
(Justin) OH!

YEAH, DEFINITELY.
I CAN SEE THAT.

WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.

I THOUGHT DANIEL WAS SUPPOSED
TO BE IN A WHEELCHAIR.

DANIEL, IT'S BETTY AGAIN.

WE GOT YOU YOUR CHAIR,
BUT IT'S ALMOST 7:00,

SO YOU'RE JUST GONNA
HAVE TO MEET US HERE.

AND I'VE GOT
THE LINT ROLLER,

SO I'LL JUST GO OVER YOU
WHEN YOU GET HERE.

(laughs) MAN.

WHAT?

YOU KNOW, I THINK I KNOW
THE REASON WHY YOU DON'T WRITE.

YOU'RE TOO BUSY
DE-LINTING YOUR BOSS' ASS.

SEE, NO.
I DIDN'T SAY THE "A" WORD,

AND MY JOB
DOESN'T JUST CONSIST

OF SILLY LITTLE THINGS
LIKE THAT.

I HAVE SOME VERY IMPORTANT
RESPONSIBILITIES.

EXCUSE ME. WHAT IS THAT?

THAT--THE CHECK
ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE THAT BIG,

AND WE ASKED FOR IT TO BE BLUE.

HOW IS THAT GONNA LOOK
NEXT TO DANIEL'S TINY PALE HEAD?
(laughs)

STOP LAUGHING AT ME.

AND NOT THAT
IT'S ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS,

BUT I WILL GET BACK
TO MY WRITING.

(Gio) I'M SURE YOU WILL.
I WILL.

I JUST DON'T HAVE
A LOT OF TIME RIGHT NOW

BECAUSE I'M GOING THROUGH
SOME HUGE FAMILY PROBLEMS.

QUACK.
EXCUSE ME?

EVERY TIME YOU MAKE AN EXCUSE,
I'M GONNA QUACK.

YOU... YOU HAVE NO RIGHT
TO QUACK.

YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE.

MY DAD IS STUCK IN MEXICO.

QUACK.
NO, SERIOUSLY,
AND MY SISTER'S FIANC?--

QUACK. QUACK.
WILL YOU JUST LET ME FINISH?

QUACK. ALL EXCUSES.

THE PROBLEM IS
YOU DON'T HAVE A PLAN.

YOU GO THROUGH LIFE--
WOOF!

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

WELL, IF YOU'RE GONNA QUACK,
THEN I'M GONNA WOOF

EVERY TIME YOU MENTION
YOUR STUPID PLAN.

QUACK.

NO, QUACKING.
THAT WASN'T AN EXCUSE.

YEAH, WELL,
I CHANGED THE RULES.

QUACK! QUACK!

WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!
WOOF! WOOF!
QUACK! QUACK! QUACK!

YOUR PHONE'S RINGING.

WOOF! HELLO?

HILDA.

WHAT? HE CAN WALK?

WHAT'S BLACK AND WHITE
AND RICH ALL OVER?

WHY, THE GUESTS
AT "MODE'S" BLACK & WHITE BALL

BENEFITING THE CHILDREN'S
HOSPITAL OF BLAH, BLAH, BLAH,

LIKE IT MATTERS.

LET'S TALK ABOUT
WHAT EVA MENDES IS WEARING.

FORGET EVA MENDES.

IS THAT FEY SOMMERS'
ILLEGITIMATE DAUGHTER,

AMANDA TANEN? (mouths words)

BLACK & WHITE BALL?
I GUS I DIDN'T GET THE MEMO.

(woman) IS THAT ZAC EFRON?

(man) ZAC! THAT IS HIM.

LOUDER.

(woman) RIGHT HERE!
RIGHT HERE! RIGHT HERE!

BLACK & WHITE BALL?

I GUESS I DIDN'T GET THE MEMO.
(mouths words)

HEY, THAT'S FEY SOMMERS'...
DOG.

HI.

I'M FEY SOMMERS' DAUGHTER.

YEAH. CAN I GET A WATER?
TODAY.

I DIDN'T GET THE MEMO.

UGH. THIS IS SO UNFAIR.

THEY TOOK PICTURES
OF THE WRONG BITCH.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.????

I WAS NAIVE TO THINK THAT THE PRESS
WOULD AUTOMATICALLY CARE.

YOU'VE GOT TO WORK
FOR YOUR CELEBRITY.

DOES PARIS HILTON HAVE
EVERYTHING HANDED TO HER?

WELL, ACTUALLY, SHE DOES,

BUT THAT CELEB-UTARD
WORKS HARD TO STAY IN THE NEWS.

YOU'RE RIGHT. I HAVE
TO DO SOMETHING OUTRAGEOUS.

SHOULD I DO SKANKY? 'CAUSE I
COULD TOTALLY DO SKANKY.

WHAT IF I JUST GO PEE
ON THE CARPET?

OH, SWEETIE, COURTNEY LOVE DID ???

NO, IT'S GOTTA BE BIGGER.
YOU'VE GOT TO OUT-LOHAN LOHAN,

OUT-BRITNEY BRITNEY.
THERE'S NOTHING LEFT.

YES, THERE IS.

OH, MY GOD.
IS THAT JOSH DUHAMEL?

WHERE?

JOSH! (giggles)

JOSH!

JOSH! (giggles)

(man) HEY!
(man) WHOA!

YEAH. THERE YOU GO.

MICHAEL BOLTON.
NOT THE GOOD ONE.

OH. HOW ARE YOU?
NICE TO MEET YOU.

BRADFORD MEADE,
YOU'RE ENGAGED TO HIM.
OH, DARLING. MM.

TELL ME, HOW'S OUR ALEXIS DOING?
EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

IT SEEMS SOMEONE
TOLD HER ABOUT US.

OH, I'M--I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T WANT TO,

BUT SHE'S A SMART GIRL,

EVEN WITH SOME OF
HER BRAIN MISSING.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

SHE'S NOW COMPLETELY ONBOARD
WITH THE WEDDING.

SHE IS?
THAT'S WONDERFUL!

YEAH, I WAS SURPRISED, TOO.

SHE'S ALWAYS BEEN VERY CLOSE
TO CLAIRE.

AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT CLOSE
TO CLAIRE. HERE.

(Bradford)
I'M NOT WEARING THAT THING.

THIS IS A BAD IDEA,
FISH.

I HAVE TO SEE BRADFORD.
IT'S THE ONLY WAY.

BLACK & WHITE BALL, HUH?

THIS LOOKS LIKE
AN ALL-WHITE BALL TO ME.

COME ON.

OH!
THIS WHEELCHAIR IS SEXY!

NOT TO MENTION, USEFUL
FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN'T WALK.

I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS.
THIS IS SO COOL.

OOH, SORRY.

SORRY.

(laughs) THIS IS GREAT.

HEY, DANIEL, THANKS
FOR HELPING JUSTIN OUT TODAY.

OH, HE'S A GREAT KID, YOU KNOW?
YEAH! (laughs)

OH, SORRY.
IT MUST HAVE BEEN HARD PLAYING
BASKETBALL WITHOUT YOUR LEGS.

WHOA. SORRY.
HOW'D YOU MANAGE?

YEAH, NO,
UH, JUSTIN WAS REALLY GOOD.

BETTY?

BETTY,
HOW DO I STOP THIS THING?
I DON'T KNOW.

WHOA!

(man) OKAY, I GOT IT.

UH...

I FORGOT. THE DOCTOR CALLED.
I CAN WALK!

HOW COULD YOU?

BETTY, I'M SORRY.
COME ON.

YOU KNOW, I WASTED MY ENTIRE DAY
TRYING TO GET THAT STUPID THING,

ALL SO YOU COULD
PLAY GRAB ASS? THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT JUST HAPPENED.
I SAID "ASS."

I HEARD YOU.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT I COULD'VE BEEN DOING
WITH THAT TIME?

I COULD'VE WRITTEN A SHORT STORY
OR--OR A WHOLE BUNCH

OF SHORT STORIES, DEPENDING ON
HOW SHORT THEY WERE.

OR WRITTEN IN MY JOURNAL,
BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE

MY LAST ENTRY WENT SOMETHING
LIKE, "I LOVE LANCE BASS.

I WANT TO MARRY HIM."

I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU'VE HEARD--

YEAH, I KNOW!

HECTOR, DON'T DO THIS.

FOR 30 YEARS, I THOUGHT
I KILLED YOUR FATHER.

IT--IT TORTURED ME.

SHUT UP.

DON'T BECOME HIM.

YOU'RE NOT A MONSTER.

HE IS THE WAY HE IS
BECAUSE OF YOU.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

HECTOR, DON'T YOU REMEMBER?

YOU WERE 5 YEARS OLD,

AND ROSA WOULD--
WOULD HIDE YOU IN THE KITCHEN

WHEN YOUR FATHER
WAS DRUNK.

NO, I DON'T REMEMBER.

I'D MAKE YOU ARROZ CON LECHE
TO KEEP YOU FROM CRYING,

SO HE WOULDN'T HEAR YOU
AND COME IN AND HIT YOU AGAIN.

STOP IT!

HECTOR...

ROSA CARED FOR YOU
AS IF YOU WERE HER OWN,

BUT WE THOUGHT YOU'D BE SAFE
WITH YOUR MOTHER.

STOP IT!

YOU WEREN'T, WERE YOU?

HECTOR, WERE YOU?

AND SPEAKING OF HONORING GENIUS,

I'D ALSO LIKE
TO TAKE THIS MOMENT

TO THANK ONE OF THE BIGGEST
PHILANTHROPISTS

IN ALL OF FASHION--

KENNETH COLE.

(Kenneth) THANK YOU, DANIEL.
THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.

I AM SO HONORED TO BE HERE,

ASSOCIATED WITH SUCH A WORTHY
AND IMPORTANT CAUSE.

(lowered voice)
WHAT'S THIS FOR AGAIN?

(whispers) UH,
NEW YORK CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL.

(normal voice) RIGHT.

THANK YOU SO MUCH,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

ARE YOU REMEMBERING
TO TAKE YOUR HEART MEDICINE?
CLAIRE?

OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

SHE BEEN WITH ME, THAT'S WHERE
SHE BEEN, AND SHE IS FINE.

WE GOT A LIFE NOW.

YOGA, REALLY,
I'D LIKE SOMETHING CHOCOLATE.

IT--IT--
IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

WELL, ALMOST ONCE.
CLAIRE, THIS IS DANGEROUS.

SOMEONE MIGHT SEE YOU.
I DON'T CARE.

BRADFORD, COME WITH ME.
WALK OUT THAT DOOR RIGHT NOW.
DON'T DO THIS.

PLEASE, JUST HEAR ME OUT.

WE CAN DO THIS.
WE CAN DISAPPEAR.

WE STILL HAVE
THOSE OFFSHORE ACCOUNTS.

THERE'S MONEY TO LIVE ON.
A FRESH START--

NEW NAMES, NEW LIVES.
FOR GOD SAKE, CLAIRE,
LISTEN TO YOURSELF.

I KNOW. I SOUND CRAZY.

AFTER EVERYTHING THAT'S
HAPPENED, HOW COULD I NOT BE?

BUT, PLEASE.

GOD, I LOVE YOU,

AND I KNOW YOU LOVE ME.

(Marc) MY GOD, WHAT THAT WOMAN
WILL DO FOR AN OPEN BAR.

DO YOU WANT ME
TO CALL THE POLICE

THE POLICE WILL
JUST PUT HER BACK IN JAIL.

I KNOW
HOW TO REALLY HURT HER.

I SUFFERED

THROUGH YOUR RELATIONSHIP
WITH FEY FOR 20 YEARS.

DON'T YOU OWE THIS TO ME?

AND NOW ACCEPTING OUR DONATION
TO NEW YORK CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL,

OUR VERY OWN SHELDON.

THANK YOU.

THE LAST YEAR
HAS BEEN REALLY HARD FOR--

ISN'T THAT INSPIRATIONAL?

FRIENDS,

I CANNOT WAIT ANOTHER MOMENT
TO SHARE THIS WITH YOU.

DESPITE WHAT YOU MAY HAVE HEARD,

THE BRADFORD MEADE-
WILHELMINA SLATER WEDDING

IS BACK ON.

BRADFORD, DARLING,
WHERE ARE YOU?

CLAIRE, YOUR LIFE IS OVER.

IT ENDED
THE DAY THAT YOU MURDERED FEY.

I'M SORRY.

WHY ISN'T HE DEAD?

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAVEN'T
DONE THIS YET. KILL HIM.

HECTOR.
KILL HIM.

YOU'RE SUCH
A DISAPPOINTMENT AS A SON.
HECTOR.

KILL HIM!

HEY.

I BROUGHYOU THIS.

THERE'S A BITE OUT OF IT.

OKAY, I DIDN'T BRING IT FOR YOU,
I JUST THOUGHT OF IT.

THE POINT IS,
I'M VERY SORRY, BETTY.

DON'T BE.
I'M YOUR ASSISTANT,

AND IT'S MY JOB TO DO
WHATEVER YOU ASK ME TO,

EVEN IF IT IS SLIGHTLY OFFENSIVE
TO THE HANDI-CAPABLE.

I THINK THAT MY MELTDOWN

HAD A LOT MORE
TO DO WITH ME THAN YOU.

I'M SORRY.

SO WE'RE GOOD.
THAT'S GREAT.

DANIEL, THERE'S MORE.

LOOK,
I APPRECIATE THIS JOB,

BUT I CAN'T LOSE TRACK
OF WHAT I WANT.

ARE YOU QUITTING?
NO, NO, NO.

I WAS JUST WONDERING, IF YOU
DON'T NEED ME DURING LUNCH,

I'M GONNA ENROLL
IN A WRITING CLASS.

OH, I THINK THAT'S GREAT,
BETTY.

REALLY?

YEAH.

GREAT.
I'M GONNA BE A WRITER.

GOOD.

(woman) SHE'S SUCH A SLUT.
I LOVE HER.

I KNOW. GOD.

THE WHOLE OFFICE
IS TALKING ABOUT YOU.

I KNOW THEY ALWAYS DO,

BUT NOW IT'S WITH ENVY
INSTEAD OF PITY AND DISGUST.

AND LOOK! THAT'S MY FOOT
BEHIND THAT GUY. AAH!

COME ON.
YOU WERE A HIT LAST NIGHT.

OH, I KNOW.

THE SWAG, MELISSA ETHERIDGE
BUYING ME A DOMESTIC BEER,

APPEARING NUDE
IN THE TABLOIDS--

I DIDN'T THINK I'D HAVE IT
THIS TOGETHER UNTIL I WAS 40.

BUT LAST NIGHT
WHEN I WAS STANDING NAKED ON THE RED CARPET,

DOING ALL THOSE POSES
THOSE GUYS WERE SHOUTING OUT,

I REALLY HAD TIME TO THINK,
AND IT HIT ME--

I'M NEVER GONNA GET
TO TALK TO MY MOTHER.

AW.
SHE'S GONE, AND I HAVE NO IDEA
WHO MY FATHER IS.

IT'S LIKE I'M AN ORPHAN.

HEY,
YOU ARE NOT AN ORPHAN.

YOU'VE GOT ME...

AND YOU'VE GOT HALSTON,

AND YOU'VE GOT THAT CREEPY GUY
THAT SAW YOUR PICTURE

AND CALLED AND ASKED YOU TO STEP
ON HIS JUNK IN YOUR HEELS.

AND THAT MEANS A LOT,
BUT I NEED SOMETHING MORE.

WHAT COULD BE MORE IMPORTANT
THAN FAME?

MARC,

I NEED TO FIND MY FATHER.

IF I DON'T KNOW WHERE
I'VE COME FROM,

HOW AM I EVER GONNA KNOW
WHO I AM?

(clicks tongue) OH.

"TRIED IT YOUR WAY--
NOT TERRIBLE. GIO."

BETTY, HI.

OH, HEY.
HEY.

HOW ARE YOU? I HEARD YOU HAD
SOME OF HILDA'S HANGOVER PUNCH.

YEAH, I DID.
KIND OF WORKED.
HM.

UM, ANYWAY, LISTEN,
I-I-I REALLY NEED TO APOLOGIZE.

NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
BUT--

IT'S OKAY.
IT'S NOT OKAY. IT'S SHABBY
AND DISRESPECTFUL,

AND I CAN ONLY SAY
THAT I WILL NEVER MIX

WINE COOLERS
AND MY ANTIHISTAMINE AGAIN.

THAT'S PROBABLY
A GOOD IDEA.

AND I WANTED YOU TO KNOW
THAT I TALKED TO CHARLIE,

AND SHE ADMITTED EVERYTHING.

OH, UM...

WHO'S THE FATHER?

UM, WE'RE GONNA DO
A PATERNITY TEST.

UNFORTUNATELY, WE CAN'T DO IT
UNTIL HER 14th WEEK, SO...

I GUESS
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU AND I

WILL JUST HAVE TO SIT TIGHT
AND WAIT.

YEAH, OKAY.

UH, THEN THAT'S
WHAT WE'LL DO. WE WAIT.

BYE.

HEY, UH,
DO YOU WANT TO GET LUNCH?

UH, OH, I CAN'T.

I, UM, I HAVE
SOMETHING I HAVE TO DO,

AND IT CAN'T WAIT. NOT THAT I
DON'T WANT TO, I DO.

UM, UM, BUT I'LL TELL YOU
ALL ABOUT IT LATER.

OKAY.
OKAY.

LOOKS LIKE
YOU GOT YOUR LUNCH ANYWAY.

SOMEONE GET YOU A PRESENT?

UM, N-NO. UH,
THAT'S JUST HOW THEY WRAP IT.

IT'S A FANCY PLACE.

(Hilda) CREATIVE WRITING?

UH-HUH. I WAS REALLY NERVOUS
ABOUT SIGNING UP,

BUT THEN I FOUND MY LUCKY
TROLL PEN, AND I THOUGHT,

HEY, THIS IS A GOOD SIGN.

OH, BETTY,
YOU'RE GONNA NAIL THIS.

I MEAN, LOOK AT THE NOTES
YOU WRITE ME.

THEY'RE ALWAYS SO FUN.
MIRA.

"HILDA,
HAVE A SPLENDIFEROUS DAY."

(laughs) THAT'S IMAGINATION,
YOU KNOW,

BECAUSE I DON'T THINK
THAT'S EVEN A WORD.

ANYBODY HERE?

DAD?
PAPI?

(gasps)
AAH! OH, MY GOD!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
OH, MY G.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE HOME.

GRANDPA!
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
COMING BACK TOMORROW.

OH, ARE YOU STARVING?
YOU WANT SOMETHING TO EAT?
NO, NO, NO.

??????

WE MISSED YOU.
YEAH.

????????Ļ??
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