Ugly Betty (2006–2010): Season 2, Episode 13 - A Thousand Words by Friday - full transcript

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Previously on "ugly betty"...

I'm gonna enroll in a
writing class. That's great.

I'm gonna be a writer. The "b."
The "b" will lead you to a kiss.

The kiss will take you to your father.
You're my "b." Gene simmons is my father.

Motion to terminate
wilhelmina slater.

All those in favor.
Aye.

If i can't marry
into the meade family,

I will give birth
to an heir.

All gns indicate
that you have a hostile womb.

We need to find
a surrogate we can control.

We're almost done.
Have a look.



Surprise!
Surprise!

It's for your new salon.

Oh, hey, you guys
are good together.

Yeah. Really good.

Betty, thank you so much
for letting me practice on you.

Now that
hilda's beautilities is open,

I can't risk making mistakes
on any real customers.

Hilda,
you don't make mistake-

Oh.

What? You said
you wanted princess-Y.

It's just maybe a little
too regal for a nightclub.

I just wanted it
to be a little different.

'S henry's band's first gig,
and i want to look cute.

Aww, i love it.
You're a groupie.



Eyes.

I mean, technically,
i'm not a groupie,

Because henry's not in the band.
He's the manager-

The glue that holds
the band together.

Okay. Enough.

Yeah, well, i think
you ought to tell the glue

That his band name is stupid.
I mean, the i.R.S.?

It's funny.
They're accountants.

The internal rhythm service.
Get it?

No.
Eyes.

Aunt betty,
another letter.

Oh, god, no.

I mean, interesting.

From "the new york review."

I submitted that piece
that i wrote about dad

Playing dominoes
with those old men.

Oh.

Well... oh, well.

Don't feel that bad.

Look, this one has
a real signature.

It even smudges. Yeah, someone
actually took the time to reject you.

Yeah, "the roosevelt weekly"
- That was totally a form letter. Yeah,

And "women's knitting journal" called
you "sir and/or madam." Okay. Not helping.

Dinner is served!

Maybe that'll help.

So do we feel pregnant yet?

Keep those legs up.

We don't want
anything falling out.

How long am i trapped herfor?
Well, you know what the doctor said-

Bed rest until
we're absolutely sure

The embryo is implanted.

Now i don't want you
lifting beer kegs

Or whatever it is you do
in your spare time.

Just a few more weeks. Weeks?
What am i gonna do in here?

Mi casa es su casa.
So, uh...

Read my books

Or enjoy
my goose down pillows.

Not this one.

Uh.

Christina, i...

I can't thank you
enough for doing this.

You have no idea
what this means to me.

Are you trying
to hug me?

I'm as surprised
as you are.

Thank god that passed.
Whew.

Keep those legs up.

* shout, shout *

* let it all out *

* these are the things
i can do without *

* come on... * henry, i
- I don't think

Th those voice lessons
are really paying off.

* come on... * yeah, i
don't know what i'm gonna do.

This club owner says
he won't give us any more gigs

With clyde as singer. Hey,
henry, why don't you sing?

I've heard you karaoke. I
don't know. Karaoke's one thing.

These people want
to hear someone good.

Well, at least the turnout's
good. Yeah, 29 people.

If we get up to 30, we
get a cut of the door. Oh!

Oh.
Hey.

Yes. 30. You get
a free i.R.S. Mouse pad.

Don't go anywhere. Be right back. Okay.

So is that the band?

Uh-Huh. It's noteally
what your flyer suggested.

I guess i did sex it up a bit
so people would actually come,

But it's important.

Henry's trying to make some
extra money for the baby.

Okay, well, can i give him
20 bucks and then go home?

Or stay
and have a beer, yeah.

It is called the beer hole,
so it's probably pretty good.

Oh, just so you know,
there's a bar next door

Called the bear hole,
so you might have lost

Some of your audience over there.
Oh, no. Well, i should go check.

No, no. Wait.
It's probably not a good idea...

Hey, hey, quick. Come
dance with me. What?

I want to make
my boyfriend jealous.

Oh, um, well,
which one is he?

You'll find out
soon enough.

Not that one with the tattoos
over there, is it? That's him.

You can take him, though.

Oh, right.

Oh, look
who likes to live dangerously.

You know,
i have the strangest fling

You guys are gonna be breaking
up soon. You sound confident.

I am. Your boyfriend's
making out with another dude.

Okay, you got me.

Why didn't you just
ask me to dance?

I don't know.

I guess i'm just shy.

Yeah.
I can tell.

* i'm talking to you *

And one bananatini

For amanda tanen-
Sommers-Simmons.

Wow. Really
see the resemblance.

Ugh. What am i
gonna do, marc?

I finally find out
who my real father is,

And he won't
return my calls

Or my e-Mails
or my father's day cards.

Blah, blah, blah, tragedy.
You're so one-Note lately.

Wait.
That gives me an idea.

Gene simmons is
a musician, right?

So maybe you need to communicate
with him in his own language.

Hebrew?

No. No.
The language of music.

You should write
a song for him

About him being your father. He can't ignore
that. You know what? If he is my father,

I probably do have
songwriting in my genes.

Exactly. So all you need
to do is write a song,

Practice singing it,
record it, make a video of it,

Post the video on youtube
and then wait for him to see it.

Marc, it's so simple,
it's brilliant. Mm.

Oh, who says
white guys can't dance?

I'm renee.

I'm daniel.
Meade. I know.

Oh.
Everybody knows.

Ah.

Ooh. Your leg is vibrating,
daniel meade.

Oh, i know.

Oh, sorry. It's, uh, my phone. Yeah.

Everything okay?

Yeah, it's just
a work thing.

Can you hold on
a second?

Oh, and stay right there?

Don't invent
any dangerous gay boyfriend

For anyone else.

That's our thing, okay?

* simply irresistible *

Oh, oh, here he is.

Voil?

Oh, thank you. Could i talk
to you for a second? Oh.

Do you still have
that list of freelancers

On your blackberry?

The writer for the phil roth
interview just dropped out.

What? I didn't know "mode"
was doing a piece on him.

I love him.
You do?

Okay, uh, daniel,
hear me out.

Do you remember when you
accidentally made two dates

With two different women at the
same restaurant... oh, my god.

And-And i had to fake
the seizure so you could run

Out the back door
with the prettier one?

What was the last thing you said
to me? "Betty, i owe you."

Come on. This is a huge article. The
ma?tre d' shoved a chopstick in my mouth

So i wouldn't
swallow my tongue.

Okay. Okay. All right.
A thousand words by friday.

Oh, my god. Are you serious? You're
gonna let me do this. I have faith in you.

Oh, my god, daniel. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you! Besides,
who else are we gonna get on such short notice, right?

I'm just gonna pretend
you stopped

At "i have faith in you."
Henry!

Let me turn on a light.

No, no, no, keep 'em off.
It's more fun in the dark.

La that's not the boob you think it is.

Mom!

Okay, that's like $100,000
worth of therapy right there.

I didn't know she was here.
What are you doing here?

I had to get out of the house.
It was too many memories.

In the unlikely event
that whatever this is

Lasts for 40 years,
you'll understand.

I'm claire.
Renee.

Don't let me
get in your way, renee.

I'll just go sleep on the couch.
Do whatever you like.

In prison, i learned
i can sleep through anything.

I...

She's going through
a really hard time now-

Don't even
worry about it.

A man that takes care
of his mom

Knows how to treat a woman.

We'll do this again.

Advertise your product or brand here
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Hey, betty.

Hi, gio.

So did you hear?

Phil roth is in the house.

Oh, you know
who philip roth is?

Author of "portnoy's complaint,"
"goodbye, columbus"-

"American pastoral," yeah.

Not everyone who makes
sandwiches is a lunk. Hmm.

But the guy
in your conference room

Is not philip roth,
it is phil roth.

What? Who's phil roth?

He writes books
on how to pick up chicks.

Ugh. Oh, my god.

Daniel said phil roth,
but i just thought

He was doing
his annoying casual thing-

Bobby de niro,
marty scorsese.

I don't want
to interview a guy

Who writes books like that.

Hey. You get to write
an article, okay?

Now go in there
with an open mind.

He's actually got
a lot to say.

Mr. Roth?

Hello. I'm betty suarez.

Um, i'm here to interview you
about your new book.

"Tap that!- How to score
with hot bitches."

UGLY BETTY 2x13
-A Thousand Words By Friday-

You titled youbook "tap
that!" "How to score with hot"-

Yep, i see it.
It's right there.

But for the sake
of this interview,

Why don't we call it
something nicer,

Like, uh,
"goodbye, columbus

So, mr. Roth, what made you
decide to write...

"Goodbye, columbus"?

Men want to get laid, betty,
and i want to help them.

Okay. Okay, so, uh,
you're a giver.

Yes, i am.
My technique is simple-

Approach, subdue, score.

Easy way to remember it-
Ass.

Okay. Ass. That's clever.

I think i smell a pulitzer.

Oh.

Uh, let's discuss
this technique of yours.

Most men think that
complimenting a woman

Is the way to land her.

Wrong. My method
starts with an e.K.

Esteem killer.

Esteem... ller.

The easiest way to bag a woman
is to insult her.

Mr. Roth...
do you actually believe

That women fall for that?
Betty, are you gonna be long?

Because calls
keep coming in for daniel,

And i'm finding it
really hard to concentrate

On my personal issues.
Wow.

That is so great
that you're not worried

What that doughnut's
gonna do to your hips.

What did you just say to m

Now after
the e.K. Comes the ignoring.

Wait, so do you think
i'm fat?

A woman can't stand it
when a guy ignores her.

Um, pretty girl talking here.
Hello.

Rock their confidence,
and the power is all yours.

Who are you? What's your name?
Why don't you li

Usually it doesn't work
that quick.

Um... okay.

Uh, great.
You know what, mr. Roth?

I think i have
everything i need.

So thank you very much,
mr. Roth.

Here, let-Let me just,
uh...

"To betty, big love,
phil."

Thanks.
Come on, amanda.

No, i think i love him.

Mom, i can't tonight. I already have
dinner plans. That's just terrific.

And your sister has
her transgender support group.

What am i supposed to do?

You can do anything
you'd like.

You know, why don't you start
reconnecting with people?

Call some of your old friends
up. Well, i would, except it seems

That prison, murder
and temporary insanity

Are a turnoff to the country club set.
Okay, uh, maybe i can change my plans.

Oh, don't bother.

I'll just spend the night
cleaning your apartment...

Again.

Oh, by the way,

I see you still keep your
magazines under the mattress,

Just like when you were 14.

Come on, mom. I told you
to stay out of my stuff.

And don't go
in my top dresser drawer.

Ooh.

No, no.
Forget i said that.

Mom, he-Hello?
She still snooping?

Yeah, i have got to
get her out of my place.

She's just so lonely
these days.

Can you look into
some of those classes

Or senior cruises
or something?

All right. No problem.
Oh, and, daniel. Yeah.

Here you go...

A thousand words.

You finished
your article already. Wow.

You are eager.

Oh, and, um, this actually
is an article

About hilda starting
her own business.

It's very woman positive,

And i think
our readers will respond.

Where is my phil roth story?
That was the assignment.

Daniel, i'm sorry.

I thought that i was doing
an interview with philip roth,

And you were just calling him
"phil." But i don't know philip roth.

But you don't know
robert de niro,

And you call him "bobby."
What?

Look, this phil roth guy,

He turned out to be
a disgusting pig.

Do you really want to give

A guy like that
face time in your magazine?

Betty, he writes articles
about picking up women.

Our readers are women.

Don't you think they want
to know what men are thinking?

Well, not when it's a bunch
of misogynist garbage.

Did you even read the book?

No. I reread
"goodbye, columbus,"

But, daniel, i don't
have to read the book.

Just look at the cover.

It is a picture of a woman
being served on a platter.

You are literally
judging a book by its cover.

She has an apple
in her mouth.

Look, daniel, i just...

I can't write objectively

About a guy i can't even be
in the same room with.

Okay.
You're off the assignment.

Thank you.

Actually...
i didn't want to say it,

But, uh, phil called and asked
for a different writer.

I had fought for you,
but i can get someone else.

What? He asked for another writer? Yeah.

He just felt you were a little,
you know, closed-Minded.

Don't worry about it.

Something else will come along that's
a little more you. Closed-Minded?

Why, because i'm skeptical
of his ridiculous book?

Yeah, and i'm gonna need
that list of freelancers, too.

No. No.

I am just as open-Minded
as the next person.

You know what?

I want to do this interview.

I'll even read his stupid book.

You know why?
Because i am open-Minded.

Yep.

Nice place.

Shut up
and kiss me.

So... when you said
you wanted dinner...

Mm-Hmm.

Oh, yeah.

I actually wanted dinner.

And then i saw
that fine ass of yours,

And i was like,
"who the hell needs chicken?"

Not me.

Mm.

I hate chicken.

Get in here.

I see you met
my sister.

Now wait a minute.
Your sister?

How could you
neglect to mention

That wilhelmina slater
is your sister?

Didn't think it was that big of
a deal. Anyone who's read a paper

Or watched tv in, like,
the last two years

Knows her history
with my family.

Look, baby, i'm sorry.
I didn't plan any of this.

I saw you, and i liked you,
and i just thought

That telling you
i was wilhelmina's sister

Would scare you off.
Well, it did.

Good-Bye, renee.

Leaving so soon?
The shower's free.

By the way, daniel, i...
underestimated you.

What the hell
were you thinking?

That you'd react this way.

You don't date daniel meade.
I did you a favor.

You showed up here
with no place to stay,

And i took you in,
and this is how you repay me?

Calm down, wilhelmina.

Or should i say wanda?

Well, you listen to me, renee,
or should i say rhonda?

I got a lot going on
right now with this baby.

And i don't need any of
the meades knowing my business.

Stay away from him.

If it weren't

For the crow's-Feet
and frown lines,

I'd think you were still
the teenage sister

Trying to boss me around.

I'll date
whoever i want.

Calcium...
for the little one.

Wanda.

She's wilhelmina's sister?

That was
a totally fake gasp.

I know. Christina already
told me, but i'm still shocked.

Daniel, you can't date h
no, i know.

Wilhelmina tried to
destroy you

And your family
and your magazine.

I'm not arguing with you,

It just sucks
because i really...

I really-I liked renee.

Oh.

Sorry, dorkstick.
I was here first.

Um, clearly,
i was here first,

Because my flyer is underneath
yours. Which is where it will stay.

Look, this is important.

I need to find
a new lead singer for my band.

Well, mine's more important
because i need to find a band

To record my song. Yeah, well,
they're not gonna allow us to perform

If i don't have a new lead singer.
And i won't be able to meet my father

If i don't find a band.
Wait, you need a band?

Yes.

Do you know
where i can find one?

Oh, my god.

I need to call these people
right away.

Hello, amanda.

"Tap that!"?

It's about tap dancing.

Ooh! Could i read it after you? No.

And always remember, tapping
is demeaning to women. Okay.

Ugh.

Okay,
that's your fourth groan.

I'm sorry.
I can't help it.

Just listen to this.

"Once you've learned
the art of the 'nova,'

You can make a woman
succumb to your will"?

Nova? I haven't gotten
to that. What is that?

It means pick up,
like casanova

Or the cheap cars

Where these guys
try and get lucky.

"I was a complete chump,
clueless to the ways of women,

But all that changed
with my first crit."

Crit? Where's that?

Chapter seven.
It means criticism.

This loser actually thinks
that insulting a woman

Will turn the tables

And make her want to
win you over. Genius.

What?

Heinous.

This might work on amanda,

But i doubt it actually works
on real people.

Well, you should go out,
see it in action.

Come on. This could be
a big opportunity,

And then
you can write about it,

'Cause if it works,
you learn something,

If it doesn't, you can
call him on it in your article.

That's a great idea.

All i need is some guy who could
actually pull this crap off.

Ah! I'll call gio.

Wh-Gio? Why him?

Because
he loves this idiot.

He's read everything
he's ever written.

Don't bother gio. I can help
you with this. Oh, honey...

This isn't you.

Gio is a total dog.
He's perfect. Mm.

I think i'm gonna nova
that blondie over there.

Gio, don't you think

She's a little
out of your league?

League? I'm a guy. The
universe is my league. Ugh.

Now watch this.

Oh. Well,
i hope you're happy.

In the seconds
i wasted talking to you,

Some other guy got tre.
Hmm.

Henry, what are you
doing here? Helping you.

Statistically speaking,
two test subjects

Increases your chances of
valiting this mating theory.

You should open with that.
Chicks love it.

Hey, i can "tap that!"
Better than you.

Are you serious?

Serious as a nova.

Okay, guys, no. This is
my research, not a contest.

Whoever gets the most phone
numbers wins. Are you serious?

Game on, sandwich boy.

What? Hold on.
Henry, you have a girlfriend.

Not tonight, i don't.

I- I mean just for the purposes
of this research.

Okay.

Research.

Oh, um, hello. I, um...

Okay.

Um...
all right.

Hello. All right. Catch you later.

You have a beautiful face.

Your doctor did
an amazing job.

What? No, you did not
just say that.

Cute outfit.

You know, some people
may call it slutty,

But i think it really works
on you. Are you talking to me?

That is not
your real nose.

No, it is.
It totally is.

Eww.

No. Slutty would be
if it went up to here.

I don't know.
I'm not convinced yet.

Yeah.

Here you go.

You know, i love that
you have a brain.

It's so nice to meet a girl
who doesn't buy into

The whole skinny thing. Not
all girls have to be pretty.

I am really impressed
that you're not intimidated

By all the you women here.

Man, you've got
some big feet.

All right.
I'm gonna write it down.

You better not lose it.
Here you go.

Hey!

Thank you.

Here you go.

Hey, what are you
still doing here?

I'm just working late.

Who is she?

You only work late

When there's a woman
to hide from.

It's mom.

Alexis, you gotta help me.
Please takher for a while.

No. She's been staying with me
since she was acquitted.

She even came to
my transgender support group.

Everyone kept staring at her,
asking who her doctor is.

Well, what are we gonna do?
We gotta get mom a life.

We're not gonna babysit her
for the next 30 years.

Well, i do eat
a lot of cheese.

Maybe you'll only be stuck with me for
20. Come on, mom. We didn't mean that.

We're just concerned
about you, mom.

It sounded like it.

I'm so sorry if my trying
to rebuild my life

Is putting a crimp
in your social calendar.

A year ago, i had
a husband, friends and a life.

Now, nothing. Come
on. You still have us.

Apparently not.
Look, let's make this easy.

You know how the eskimos
get rid of their elders?

They just put them
on an ice floe

And give them a little whoosh.

Now if you'll excuse me.

You should probably
go talk to her.

You should go talk to her.

Come on, you're the daughter.
What is that supposed to mean?

Rock, paper, scissors.

Ah! Why do i always
do rock?

So i called you
three times,

And now i'm stopping by
the office.

Some may say desperate.
I'm hoping you think cute.

This isn't, uh,
a good time.

I don't know
if you know this,

But my sister's not
the nicest person.

And... i knew
that hooking up with you

Would get under her skin.

So you used me.

At first, but then
i got to know you better,

And it became less
about wilhelmina

And more about you.

Renee...

It's just a little
too weird.

Come on.

I promise the next time
i use you,

It'll just be for sex.

I'm... i'm sorry.

It's probably better

If we just forget
this ever happened.

Oh.

Four, five, six.

Final tally-

Gio-Six,

Henry-Seven.

You win. Yay, henry.

Oh, yeah. Seven numbers.
Who's the man?

Usually not the guy
who says, "who's the man?"

Oh, and look, suzie made
her zeroes into little boobs.

She's a keeper. Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing?
I'm throwing them away.

Gio... this was
research, not for real.

Forget research.
I earned these.

I told that girl over there

That i'm going to iraq
next week.

Gotta strike now.

Classy.

Wellwhat'd you think?

I was pretty good
out there, huh?

Ooh, congratulations, henry.

You managed to set back
the feminist movement 50 years.

Hey, it wasn't me.
It's that bo.

You're just mad
because it worked.

I'm upset about lot
of things, henry. Let's just go.

I just can't believe
this phil roth guy was right.

These poor women,

They're being played
and they don't even know it.

Ay, please, betty. They know
exactly what they're doing.

They just don't want
the guys to know it.

That way they have
all the power.

It's not a bad book.
You read it?

I thumbed through it. Papi has it
now. Ugh. And the world is over.

Betty, guys need
stuff like that book.

It gives them the confidence
to talk to girls.

Otherwise they'd just be
staring at our boobs.

And now they insult them.

At least they're talking.

So you're actually saying
that this is a positive thing.

I'm just saying
be a little open-Minded.

Oh, no.
You gotta get that.

Daniel.

I'm sorry to bother you.

I've just been driving around
for hours,

And i don't really know
where to go right now.

Um, clearly. You are in
jackson heights at night, alone,

In a car that cost more
than this house.

Daniel, i'mtempted
to jump you.

What? You think gorgeous
just happens?

I'm just so confused, betty.

So...
is this about renee?

Look, i-I know
she's wilhelmina's sister,

And... this is wrong
in so many ways,

But i can't stop
thinking about her.

Well, then maybe
you should go for it.

What? Maybe i was wrong
about what i said earlier.

I mean, look at hilda.
We are nothing alike.

And you and alexis?

Who's to say renee
is anything like wilhelmina?

If you really like her,
then give it a chance.

Who knows
what it could turn into?

Don't touch
the yogurt, christina.

I don't eat breakfast,
but i have it there

So i know
what i'm depriving myself of.

Good morning.

Sorry, i already agu
the yort.

You can lick the spoon
if you'd like.

What the hell are you
doing here? Mm. Your sister.

That's right.
We're back together.

We did it on your couch, too,
and your table.

Oh, and one more place that
i'm not gonna tell you about.

You're really enjoying this,
aren't you? You think it's too early

To start planning family
vacations? You're a fool, daniel.

You have no idea what you're
getting yourself into.

But i promise you,
you'll regret it.

Ah, i just feel like
i've heard that before.

This is too hard.

Okay, okay. Maybe we need
to approach this differently.

If gene simmons were here
right now,

What would you say to him
from your heart?

No.

I can only hope

That one day i'll have
an illegitimate daughter

Who'll sing me a song that's
that beautiful.

Oh, sweetie.

Oh, i know.

Hey, have you talked to mom?
I've been calling her.

No, i tried her
a couple of times, too.

She hasn't called me back.

Oh, great. Now she's off
sulking somewhere.

Maybe we did
kind of blow it.

I mean, she's always
been there for us.

That's true. Think of all
the nights we were sick.

She'd stay up all night
taking care of us.

Yeah. Wait, that wasn't mom.
That was the nanny.

Well, still, it's nice
she hired such a caring nanny.

I've got news for you.
She wasn't that caring.

She used to tie you
to each other

And go to the movies.

I thought
that was a game.

Mom, why didn't you
return our calls?

Because i've been too busy

At that stupid knitting class
you signed me up for.

Here.
It was going to be a scarf

Until i realized
how much i hated knitting.

But the good news-

I figured out what i'm going
to do with the rest of my life.

What?

There were all these women
in this class,

And they were just like me.

Their children were done
with them, and they were bored.

So i got to thinking,
we're not dead yet.

There's got to be more out there
than knitting and bingo.

So... i'm going to start
a magazine.

A magazine?

It's for women
of a certain age

Who aren't ready
for that ice floe.

I'm going call it...

"Hot flash."

Mom...

I- I think it's great that
you're trying to keep busy,

But starting up a magazine
isn't that simple.

Oh, darling, do you think
i was married to your father

For all those years
without learning

A thing or two
about this business?

I'm going to need an assistant,
a full-Time production staff,

A suite of offices- The
seventh floor will be fine. Mom-

And i'm going to need
some start-Up capital.

Let's see how long
$2 million lasts me.

Maybe we should
have dinner first

And just talk about this.

I'd love to, kids,
but i don't have time.

Toodles.

"Hot flash."
"Hot flash."

Oh, i'd tap that.

Hello, mr. Roth.

Thank you for...

Meeting with me... again.

I've seen your book
in action,

And as hard as this is
for me to admit,

It actually works...
on some girls.

That is really cool of you
to admit that.

You know, smart girls
usually don't get it.

Right.
Well, you can rest assured

That the article will be
totally unbiased,

And you should also know
that your concerns

Were completely unwarranted.

What c-Concerns?

You know, the ones
you expressed to daniel

About me not being
open-Minded enough

To write this article. I don't
know what you're talking about

'Cause i-I never s- I
never said that. What?

Mnh-Mnh.
No, daniel said that you-

Maybe you're not so smart
after all.

Sounds like
somebody got played.

Good morning, daniel.
I got you a treat.

Cinnamon twist!
I love cinnamon twists.

Well,
you're not getting it.

Do we always
have to play these games

When you're mad at me? Oh,
you're one to talk about games.

Let's see, you told me
that phil roth said

I was closed-Minded,
but he never said that.

Okay, yes, you're right.

Can i please have
the cinnamon twist?

No. Is that it?
That's all?

You're not even gonna try
to deny it?

Look, i said it because i
couldn't think of anything else

To get you to write the article. What?

Betty, you were quitting
because you were uncomfortable.

Now if you want to be
a real writer,

You can't always write about
your neighborhood

And your family
and-And kittens.

Well, what's wrong
with writing about that?

That's what i know.
And who doesn't like kittens?

There's nothing wrong with
writing about what you know.

I'm just saying you should
try to know more,

Step outside
your comfort zone.

And you did.

Betty, your article-
It's good.

Really?
You liked it?

Yeah.

I'm getting published?

Actually, uh, you're not
getting published.

Why?

Alexis pulled the story.

I guess when she was a guy
she loved phil roth,

And as a woman, she thinks
he's kind of a pig.

Oh! You're kidding me,
right?

I'm sorry.

But you did do
a fantastic job.

And i promise,

There's gonna be
other assignments,

Better ones.

All right.

This totally sucks.

But, daniel, thank you

For having faith in me.

Thank you.

Why are you doing
long division?

It calms me.

Mm. Do not be nervous

About the band tonight.

There is no way that amanda

Could possibly be worse
than clyde.

I can ask hilda
to come with.

Oh, and i can call gio.

He'll bring one of those girls
he met at the bar.

Oh, you know, i'm good.

I put up a lot of posters
in the village.

Yeah, but if he brings someone,
then that's 20 extra bucks.

Henry, are you serious?

Lo, you cannot be
so competitive with him.

I have to be.

Why?

Because, betty,
he's always around,

And i trust you completely.

I just don't trust him.

So what, you think
he's gonna walk over

And knock me on the head
with a club

And drag me back
to his cave?

I do have some say in it.
It's just hard.

Look, do you remember
how you felt at the bar

Watching me
hit on all those women?

That's how i feel every time
i see gio around you.

Well... i hate
that you feel that way.

I'm sorry.
I hate it, too.

Look,
i- I don't want anything

To get in the way

Of the little time
that we have left together.

I just won't
see him anymore.

Now i feel stupid.

I know how much you love
his chicken salad.

Yeah,
but i love you more.

You will learn how to make
chicken salad, though,

Won't you?

Okay, remember,
look into the camera,

Avoid your bad angles,
and i did everything i could,

But this lighting
is not your friend.

Marc, i'm really nervous.

Hey. You have nothing
to be nervous about.

Except for your voice,
you're a great singer.

Ready?
Yeah.

Hello, beer hole.

Are you ready to rock
and/or roll?

Okay, go.

This one
goes out to you, daddy.

It's mandy, bitch.

* late one night *

* back in '81 *

* at studio 54 *

* gene simmons *

* and his tweety bird tattoo *

* was out
lookin' score *

Excuse me, ma'am.
You're in my way.

Do you mind?
She's singing about me.

No. She's singing about
gene simmons.

* ooh, ooh *

* breathing fire *

* spitting blood *

* making sweet love *

* to my mom
fey soers *

* breathing fire *

* spitting blood! *

* making sweet love *

* to my mom
fey sommers *

* that's why *

* gene simmons is my daddy *

* the demon gene
is in my genes *

* because he got
in my mama's jeans *

* that's why gene simmons *

* is my daddy *

* yeah! *

Yeah!

Daddy?

Daughter?
Amanda.

Amanda.
I can'believe you came.

How did you know
we were doing this?

Oh, i google myself
every morning. Me, too.

You know, the detail of
that song, it was spot-On.

You can't forget
a night like that,

Or a woman like fey.
Man, cher was so pissed off.

So it's true.
You're my father.

Oh, my god.
I found you.

I'll tell you what,

Let's get outta here.
Maybe we'll catch up?

I know we both have some questions. Come
on. Where is amanda going with gene simmons?

Who's gonna sing?

Henry! You!

Are you kidding? On stage,
alone? Well, what, are you afraid?

Yes. Yes, i am afraid.
I'm terrified.

Well, then all the more reason
for you to do it.

It'll be good for you.

There is only one way
that i'm doing this.

* it takes two
to make a thing go right *

* it takes two
to make it outta sight *

Hit it!

* i wanna rock right now *

* i'm rob base
and i came to get down *

* i'm not
internationally known *

* but i'm known to rock a
microphone * * a microphone *

* because i get stupid,
i mean outrageous *

* stay away from me
if you're contagious *

* 'cause i'm the winner,
no, i'm not a loser *

* to be an m.C.
Is what i choose-A *

* ladies love me,
girls adore me *

* i mean even the ones
who never saw me like... *

* the way that i rhyme
at a show *

* the reason why... *
* man, i don't know *

* so let's go 'cause *

* it takes two
to make a thing go right *

* it takes two
to make it outta sight *

* it takes two
to make a thing go right *

* it takes two
to make it outta sight *

Oh, don't wait up.

I'm having drinks
with daniel.

You know, if you really want
to make it work with daniel,

It's gonna require
a bit of honesty.

I certainly hope
he never discovers...

The truth about you.

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