Ugly Americans (2010–2012): Season 2, Episode 7 - Wail Street - full transcript

People are driven by survival.

We do anything
we can to get on.

Only when we feel safe,

do we start considering
the things we want.

'Sup, girls?

♪ I see you're looking
to my direction ♪

♪ wanna get closer to a
federal breast inspection? ♪

♪ 'cause where you *** to your *** ♪

♪ uh, uh ♪

♪ I'm gonna hit you with a-- ♪

Bang!



This is what happens when you
sell your soul to be a pop star

without getting parental consent.

38, 39...

Come on, come on, you can do this!

I've gained two pounds?

How is that possible?

I've been working out
every day for a month.

Hmm, interesting.

A volatile week on the soul exchange

as stock in Maggotbone soul industries

fell to an all-time low.

Mr. Maggotbone, response?

Well, maa, I've caught
a few tough breaks.

But in this business,
you're always one soul away



from being back on top.

- Mm, sweat chamois?
- Please.

I'm worried about dad.

He seems really burnt out.

You should go see him.

Maybe a visit from his only daughter

would lift his spirits.

Ah! What is this pain?

Hmm, a cute abdominal cramps
caused by helpful advice,

sudden weight gain.

You have gotten really fat, Mark.

Ah!

Let's just take a look under the hood.

Oh, my dear Christ,

we got to get you to
the hospital right now!

We got to get your
head out of my shirt.

We'll be back with more

from Aldremach Maggotbone, has-been.

Hey, was that really necessary?

When I sold my soul for tricia here,

I thought I'd have to live

without the core essence of my being.

But then my doctor
told me about Nuvasoul.

Nuvasoul.

Nuvasoul replicates the
effects of having a soul,

such as consciousness and
a basic moral center.

Right, doll face?

So worth it.

Side effects of
Nuvasoul include

euphoria, contentment,
exhilaration, jubilation,

mirth, optimism,
peace of mind, and diarrhea.

Nuvasoul, manufactured by pfizer.

Today's topic

go...

O-o-o-o-o-o...

O-o-o-o-o-o...

O-o-o-o-o-oals.

Goals. We all have goals, don't we?

I want to be a real boy.

I want to be president
of United States.

Doug wants to stab things.

All admirable dreams.

However, since the advent of Nuvasoul,

many people are taking a
shortcut to success...

By selling their souls,
like Dustin here.

I'm six minutes late for
my interview with Seacrest.

Can we speed this up?

"Interview," right.

You're not going anywhere
till your soul contract

is signed by a legal guardian.

Them's the rules.

But my parents gave me up.
I'm an orphan.

Maybe your parents should
have appreciated the miracle

of having a baby with a penis!

Hmm, kind of looks like

we tapped into something there.

I wanted a boy, but vera could
never stick the landing.

After pumping out 15 girls,

she finally gave up and ditched me

for "the count,
" her new vampire husband.

I always wanted a bunch of sisters.

You know, help me with my bangs.

I think you two might be
able to help each other.

So you're saying that my
strong desire for a son...

And my legal need for a parent...

Are somehow related?

Exactly. Everyone wins.

Ah!

Okay, I have to go to the hospital now.

That's what you get for
eating in the commissary.

Okay, do you need water?

Are you comfortable?

Do you need a pillow?
They have pillows here.

Can somebody get me a pillow, please?

As your Nuvasoul sales rep,

we appreciate you
sticking with Nuvasoul

and not those crappy
knockoffs like Soulvitra.

Here, take some free pens.

Leonard, is that a
Nuvasoul windbreaker?

Yeah, I do some pharm
rep work on the side.

I owe a lot of bad people
a lot of filthy money.

Peddling Nuvasoul?

I hate to say this,
but I'm disappointed in you.

What?

Oh, you're right.
This is totally beneath me.

There's got to be a better way
for me to earn cash on the side.

Thanks, Mark. You've set me straight.

Ow, helping hurts.

Okay, okay. Squeeze my hand.

We're almost there. What was that?

Who do I have to [Bleep] To
get a doctor around here?

That would be me.

Eh.

Doctor, thank God.

What's happening to me?

Oh, I'm sure it's nothing,

but let's take a look-see-dooks.

Oh, dear God almighty!

Be still, fool!

You'll jostle it!

Ah!

Okay, you got to be a big boy, Mark.

This radioactive dye
isn't gonna drink itself.

What kind of medical
examination is this?

Shut your mouth!

Well? Give it to me straight, doc.

Don't keep me hanging.

Your suspicions were correct,
Mr. Skeffington.

I've never seen anything quite like it.

Mark Lilly has the biggest
soul I've ever seen!

Oh, my God.

I'm gonna be rich.

Cigars all around, everybody.

Where's the-- where's the cigars at?

Who do I have to [Bleep]
To get the cigars in here!

That would be me.

Dad, I'm worried about you.

You saw the news. I'm a has-been.

Bartender, schlitz.

Daddy, we're in your office.

There's no bartender here.

Ah, just kill me now. Literally.

There's a dagger over
there in the credenza.

You can't give up.

You're one big soul deal
away from being back on top.

Save your breath, kitten.

For me to save Maggotbone industries,

I'd have to land--

The biggest soul you've ever seen?

Randall, what are you doing here?

Oh, nothing, just saving
your dad's big fat red ass.

For a cut of the profits, of course.

Ah!

After years of good deeds,

your soul swelled to
such a massive size

that it started crushing your liver,

which we had to remove, by the way.

So what's the cure?

Well, we can start you
on a strict regimen

of being a complete ass[Bleep].

Or you could always unload
it on the soul Market.

So what'll it be, then?

Wealth? Power?

Don't even think about
asking for a million wishes,

because that's total bull[Bleep].

I'm not giving up my soul,

no matter how bloating it is.

We can give you everything
you've ever r r wanted, Mark.

And you won't have to worry

about any unsightly stretch Marks.

My soul is staying
right where it belongs,

between my navel and
my lower intestine.

It's called the pooch.

And that's where I get the
inspiration for my songs:

Puppies, people's moms.

Tell us more about your bangs!

Your daughters are
really cute, Francis.

I wish they could come
with us on the road.

What do you mean? It's a done deal.

We're a family band now.

I'm on bass.

Vera plays the skins.

Suri, sax.

Zahara, keys.

Shiloh, you're lead guitar,
banging it out.

Moon unit, rhythm guitar.

The rest of you are backup.

What about me?

I'm in the family too.

Oh, right, why would I want to forget

my ex-wife's new husband?

I guess you can be the manager.

Now, come on, gang.
We've got some rehearsing to do.

Everyone get in the [Bleep] Garage!

Out of sight.

I'm nervous about this soul business.

Callie's dad does not mess around.

I'm actually kind of
afraid for my life.

Don't you worry that pretty
little head of yours, Mark.

I'll be your bodyguard.

I'm already a yellow belt in aikido.

A few years of training in Nepal
with the league of shadows,

and I totally got your back.

Wow, that is really nice
of you to offer, Leonard.

But I don't want to drag you into this.

Oh, I get it.

You don't think I'd
be a good bodyguard.

No! I think you would be fantastic.

It's just--

I'm only doing this to
earn back your respect!

What is wrong with you?

Fine! God!

You're my bodyguard.

My services cost $5,000 a week.

♪ Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp, bah ♪

And we're ready!

Now, let's pack up the gear.

Can't be late for our first gig.

Short hills mall, here we come.

Excuse me, Frank.

I don't want to be a schlemiel,

but I was looking at Dustin's schedule,

and he is already booked
at Madison square garden.

Don't you think that
the local mall is, uh,

a real step backwards?

My drumstick!

Does anyone else

want to tell me how to run this band?

- Mm-mm!
- No way!

Apple, you're the band manager now.

Congratulations.

If we play our cards right,

we could end up at
Madison square garden!

Listen, rumer, sorry to do this.

It's just not working out.

I'm fresh out of cab fare.

You're gonna have to hitch a ride

back to your mom's house in Florida.

Gas, ass, or grass.

Nobody rides for free.

Callie, I have a bone to pick with you

about this soul business.

Ah!

Huh?

You coldcocked me over the head

just to bring me to work?

Oh, you're not at work, Mark.

This is a fantasy we've
concocted for you.

We just thought you'd like
to see what would happen

if you sold your soul to be

greatest social worker of all time.

Look, I appreciate the effort, but--

What's going on?

It's just a transitional device, Mark.

Bear with us.

You realize Erik's dream of being human

by finding a 12-year-old boy
that wants to be a robot.

I'm real.

I'm really real.

Cool!

It's time to smash some [Bleep]!

I didn't realize that
technology existed.

Ow!

Using hypnotherapy,

you steer Doug's stabbing impulses

in a positive direction.

He becomes the executive chef at Nobu.

I knew those daddy issues
were blocking his potential.

Oh!

So help me to God.

You spearhead a campaign for
a constitutional amendment

allowing Croatians
to run for president.

I have to say,

I do have some mixed
feelings about this one.

He's a sociopath.

He does not know the difference
between right and wrong.

Capitalizing on all these successes,

you become an international
self-improvement sensation:

Speaking engagements,
books on tape--you name it--

even your own franchise

of group counseling establishments.

Mark Lilly's life improve-matorium?

I has always dreamt it
would be help-ateria,

but this is even better.

It will be the most profitable

nonprofit organization in histo.

So what do you think, Mark?

You'd be the first social worker

to get time's man of the year.

I had it mocked up in Photoshop.
It's great, isn't it.

It's becoming easier for
me to see how people

would give up something as
precious as their souls.

You really did get to
the core of my desires.

And with Nuvasoul to fill in the void,

what's the downside?

I mean, apart from the diarrhea.

I-- I don't even know anymore.

I'll give you precisely three minutes

to think about it.

We'll be right back, folks.

If you or a family member
have taken Nuvasoul

and suffered from explosive diarrhea,

you may be entitled
to cash compensation.

Contact the law firm

of Rothstein, Mandelbaum,
and giant baby today

and get the justice you deserve.

So, Mark, what do you say?

I want all of this.

I truly do.

But I want to achieve it on my own.

I don't want to take a
shortcut to success.

All right, people, it's a bust.

Shut it down. Shut it all down.

Whoa!

Mark my words, Lilly.

I will get that soul of yours

one way or anoth--

ah!

Hi-yah!

Daddy!

Leonard?

Come with me if you
want to keep your soul.

What-- what are we gonna do?

We're gonna crack some skulls.

Oops, sorry about that.

Yeah!

Huh?

Leonard, where are we?

My safe house in little chechnya.

Here, have a man's breakfast.

Why would I want to drink vodka

at 8:00 in the morning?

To anesthetize yourself.

I realize now the only
way to protect you

is for us to switch faces.

I'm Nicolas cage. You're John Travolta.

And--wait. No. I call Travolta.

What do you want now?

We could have done this
the easy way, Mark.

Now, you give us your soul,

or I put a shell in
your roommate's noggin.

This is brilliant.
He'll totally fall for this.

No, I'm really going
to splatter your skull

all over that wall.

Oh, my God, Mark!

I don't want to die.

Dr. Feelgood's wellness clinic,

tomorrow morning.

Your turn.

You call that a dance routine?

I'm seeing the popping,
but where's the locking?

Do I have to do everything myself?

Moon unit, where's that tambourine?

Five, six, seven.

♪ And uh and uh-uh ♪

♪ uh-uh-uh, uh-uh ♪

♪ uh-uh, ha-ha, huh-huh ♪

♪ uh-uh, uh-uh, and uh and uh-uh ♪

♪ uh-uh-uh, uh-uh ♪

Groovetastic.

Now, that is how you do it.

Damn!

I didn't sign up for this. I quit.

Fine, go! We don't need you.

Rumer, you're up.
Where the hell is Rumer?

- Where you headed?
- Florida.

Me too. Hop in.

A bullish day on the soul exchange.

Maggotbone soul industries
stock skyrocketed to a new high

on rumors that they have
acquired the biggest soul

in the Western hemisphere.

Sources say the soul
belongs to this man,

Mark Lilly, a government social worker

with a nauseatingly perfect
record of good intentions.

Jesus, take his photo down.
It makes me sick.

Well, it's a day to the big show,

and we have no lead singer.

Our goose is cooked.

You're right, pilot inspektor.

I am the only one who
can fill in for Dustin

as the lead singer of our band.

I didn't say that.

Listen to me carefully, girls.

Daddy is not gonna blow
his second chance...

Chance, chance, chance.

All right, after the break,
a live performance

from the new group earth,
wind, fire, & Grimes.

You guys ready? This is our big break.

Hey, man, listen.

Me and the guys have
been talking, and, uh,

we want you out of the group.

But I'm the lead singer.

That's just it.
We don't dig your style.

This whole rapping thing
of yours is going nowhere.

But I'm mixing talking and music.

It's gonna be huge, I'm telling you.

People don't want to hear

rhythmic talking about street life.

They want to hear jams
about boogie wonderlands

and letting the groove get you to move.

Sorry, Grimes,
music just ain't your thing...

Thing, thing, thing.

And that was the day

that earth, wind,
& fire crushed my dreams.

All I've ever wanted to do is rap!

We are here live

at Dr. Feelgood's Soul Extraction Lab,

as Aldremach Maggotbone
prepares to collect

Mark Lilly's massive soul.

I failed you, Mark.

I failed you!

Oh, stop being such a baby.

Drinks are on me,
once I cash in my shares.

- Top shelf?
- Mm-hmm.

Deal.

Oh

Your soul is mine, Mark Lilly.

Ah!

I did it!

Aw!

What? What the hell is that crap?

His soul is no bigger than a pea.

This can't be happening.

I saw the X-Rays myself.

Get these cameras out of here.

Get these cameras the
[Bleep] out of here!!

That was the scene yesterday

as Mark Lilly's supposedly massive soul

turned out to be a massive bust
for Maggotbone soul industries,

whose stock plummeted to a new low

by the end of trading.

Still no word as to what
caused the former soul titan

to put his faith in
such a pathetic loser.

What she doesn't know

is that before I gave up my soul,

this pathetic loser
sold Aldremach short.

Dr. Feelgood's Wellness Clinic,
tomorrow morning.

Before heading to the
soul extraction lab,

I stopped by my local soul broker

and bet on Aldremach's
stock to plummet.

After that, it was a simple
matter of devaluing my own soul.

I spent the entire
night debauching myself

through acts I never thought
I would be capable of.

I had to choke down
my inherent morality

and remind myself that I was
doing it for the greater good,

although I did catch myself

having some fun at
Charlie Sheen's place.

You know, he's nice,
and he parties hard.

By morning, I was confident

I had rendered my soul
totally worthless.

A reverse grinching, if you will.

Aw!

What?

Well, this is utterly worthless.

Back to being the laughingstock
of the soul exchange.

After a two hours

of rooting through the
medical waste dumpster

at the clinic, my soul
was once again my own...

Ah!

Along with $50,000,
which I promptly invested

in a sensible college fund

for my future children,
Ethan and desiree.

And, well, that about sums it up.

Now, if I'm not mistaken,

I believe we have a concert to go to.

Whoo!

So do you also to watch
the Gossip Girl?

Ugh.

Ladies and pre-ladies,

please welcome to the stage

Francis Grimes and the Family von Rap.

Vera, drop the beat.

♪ Well, I was walking down the street ♪

♪ looking at the sidewalk,
moving to the beat ♪

♪ chillin' like a beanstalk ♪

♪ rockin', talkin' fly hip-hoppin' ♪

Where's Dustin? What is happening?

Stop rapping, you horrible old man!

Oof.

I really hope he doesn't
quit his day job.

It's not easy being human.

We can forget to take
care of ourselves.

Come on, you can do this!

We can forget to keep

each other's best interests at heart...

Bartender, red bull and vodka.

Oh, right, my office.

Or to make time for our friends.

This was the funnest day ever!

- BFFs?
- BFFs.

We can let our imaginations
get carried away.

I'm the Kevin Costner
to your Whitney Houston.

I'm to young for that reference, dog.

But one thing we should never forget...

Is to have soul.