Ugly Americans (2010–2012): Season 2, Episode 5 - The Ring of Powers - full transcript

Mark finds a magic ring in Leonard's desk drawer. When he puts it on, he mistakenly activates an engagement that Leonard put on ice centuries before, when dragons (Todd Barry) roamed the earth.

Finding someone to share your life with
can seem like a never-ending quest.

But true love is worth fighting for.

Other types of love... not so much.

I'm sorry, Victoria.
I thought I had it there.

Just not good at the sex.

Is it because I find you
repellant in every way?

No, that's actually
a huge turn-on.

It's just sort of hard
to be intimate

with him staring at us
like that.

Look, you two
have 72 hours to mate,

or Victoria goes back
to the London Zoo

and you both go extinct.

Now, get [Bleep]!

Sexy fruit time.

Yeah, that's right.

Pass that orange.


Now a deep, wet kiss.

Ugh, I wouldn't snog that bloke

with a three-meter pole.

well, let's talk about it.

Why aren't you two turned on?

we are disgusted by each other.

He's as repulsive
as the Queen's bum.

Everyone's hideous naked.

You get in, fire away, get out.
That's sex.

Well, I think
what we need to do

is change the mood here.

Start from a place of calm.

We're taking all
deep, sensual breath,

down, down, down.


Yeah, exhaling.

Should we be here for this?

Who dareth bring a dragon
into my realm of employment?

[Fire roaring]



[Glass shatters]

Put it out.

Doug, you're in charge
'til I get back.

I'm going to get aloe.

Now, where does Leonard
keep the aloe?


Unwrapped condoms.

What is this?


Why does this
have my name on it

in such a girlish font?


So small and shiny.

Ah, no harm in trying it on.


[Shimmering tone]

Mark, I just wanted
to make sure

you weren't looking for the aloe
in my drawer of secrets.

The drawer of what now?

The ring.
You're wearing my ring.

But it says "Mark" on it.


I'm gonna...

Stop it!

[Monotonously] Very well, Mark.

I will stop it.

Okay, good to be heard.

Why do you have an engagement
ring in your desk anyway?

It's a long story that would
best be told at a bookstore.

You see, Mark,
three centuries ago,

I made the biggest mistake
of my life:

Proposing to the wizard princess

the wealthy heiress
to the Bedfellow throne.


I'd been able
to "put it on ice"

until you put on
that stupid ring

and activated
the marriage countdown!

Well, deactivate it.
Get this thing off my finger.


It's stuck on you?

Is that...bad?

Not for me.
It just means that, uh...

That you're the best man.

Yeah, that works.

Everything you need to know
is in this book.

Oh, great, it's not enough

that I have to convince
two dragons to mate.

Now I have to plan
your wedding too?

Hey, on the plus side,

you just obtained
the power of influence.

That's cool, huh?

Wh-what's the power
of influence?

You want to go for drink
and friendship talk?

With you,
three's never a crowd.



[Upbeat guitar music]

♪ People all around me
preaching ♪

♪ I don't listen
and I don't care ♪


[Techno music playing]


Looks kind of cheap
for a magic ring.

Why don't you watch
where you're going?

I will, if you promise
to have a great day.

[Monotonously] I promise

I will have a great day.


Could that have been
the power of influence?

Excuse me, sir.
Turn that frown upside down.

It was.

It was the power of influence.

Let's do a ltle damage.

You, admit you have a problem.

[Glass shatters]

[Loud crash]

Now everybody dance!

techno music]

♪ ♪

Did you read that entire thing?

I don't sleep, Mark.

Reading kills time,
and it keeps me off the streets.

Uh, B.T. Dubs, according to this,

the person who wears the ring
is the one getting married.

Also, I can see
your entire schlong right now.

Oop, right you are.

Leonard's flaky, but he would've
told me if that was the case.

Well, of course, why wouldn't
you trust a known liar?

Hey, do you have any idea
why all these people

have been dancing outside
our apartment for ten hours?

Oh, dear God.

Everybody, stop dancing!

- She's dead!
- I can't feel my arms!

My socks are filled with blood!

Number eight, please.

Oh, the old
"put it on ice" bell.

She'll thaw out
in a day or two.

Oh, is she dead?

No, no, no, no, no.

Well...I don't know.

My spells only have
a 30% success rate.

Here we go.

She's even uglier
than I remember.

She's the most hideous thing
I've ever seen.

Mark, look away, quickly.


Huckle buckle beanstalk.

Mark, avert your eyes.

Her beastly face
has driven you mad.

Well, I don't think Beatrice
is the only one suffering

from a case of cold feet.


I command you all
to laugh at that.

[Forced laughter]


And that's
how you do intercourse.

Oh, is that how Americans shag?

Looks a tad wonky.

Lead by example.

It's how my mother and
her boyfriend Wayne taught me.

We should talk about that.

Oh, hello, Mr. Appleby.

We were just working
on an ancient mating ritual.

We only got the female on loan
through the week's end, Grimes.

Get on it!

I hate to do this,

but I'm gonna have to order
you two to [Bleep] Hard.

Hard as you can.

[Dragons moaning]

Okay, it's in.

♪ Oh, blimey,
he's buttering my crumpets ♪

Hey, look at that.
Grimes' instruction worked.

Now, Mr. Appleby,
compliment his coaching skills.

[Monotonously] Grimes,

for your tireless
intercourse work,

I bestow upon you

the title of Central Park
Zoo dragon bone master.


I only respond
to negative reinforcement.

Now, if you'll excuse us,

my blow-up doll and I
have tickets to the ballet.


I've got a major presentation
coming up in Hell,

and I find out from Randall
that you're getting married.

Leonard's the one
getting married.

I'm just the best man.

You've got 200 feet
before I release my talons.

Callie, I order you to be nice.

[Monotonously] Yes, Mark,
I really should be nicer.

Is that Doug?


I think I understand
the tears better now.

Oh, my stars.

You poor thing.

Storekeep, how much is
that koala-man in the window?

That should keep her busy
for a while.

Fellow demons,

welcome to Evil-con 2011.

My daughter, Callie,
will kick things off

by detailing how hell is going
to sabotage the green movement.

Be sure to stick around

for the comedic stylings
of Dane Cook.

Well, thank you, daddy.

But I'd rather use
this opportunity

to make an announcement.

I've gone good.

- Hmm?
- Huh?

I'm rededicating my life

to the care
of a koala-person in need.

His name is Doug,
and I've adopted him as my own.

He's my everything,
my raison d'etre.

And so, with a heart
full of love,

I bid you a good day, gentlemen.


[All booing]

I'm going to need you
to kill Callie for me.

- I'm sorry?
- Appearances, Twayne.

I can't have word getting out

my only daughter
isn't a psychopath.

You'll understand
when you're a father.

You have 72 hours, 'kay?
Super, thanks.

Yeah, put it everywhere.

[Moans uncomfortably]
Not there, not there.

Look at that old [Bleep]!

Does that look like a guy that's
getting married this weekend?

I'm sure he's just having
his bachelor party.


By himself.

Hey, cinnamon,

let's go to Italy together.

I'll show you the riviera!


Hey, Mark.
Perfect timing.

You got to get in on this.

There's nothing wrong
with blowing off a little steam

before the big day.

Oh, right.
My marriage.

How are the wedding things
coming along?


I power-influenced Callie

into throwing a bachelorette
party for Beatrice.

Oh, don't look.
It's Kiefer Sutherland.

[Shimmering tone]

That'll be $700.

Let's leave without paying.

Just because Leonard
is a scoundrel

doesn't mean we should besmirch
our good names.

Uh, did you just have
a gay seizure?

I mean, what is that, French?

What is smirching?

I don't...Know.

Who wants a tour?

And this is Doug's
new scratch post.

Oh, and those are
his eucalyptus trees.

Oh, and, Doug, do you want
to show them your bed?


[Whimpering happily]

Isn't he the best?
All: Aw.

[Doorbell rings]

You came.

How's our bride-to-be doing?
Thawing evenly, I hope.

Thank you, Mark.
The girls love her so much.

This is the most fun I've had
maybe ever!

[Ice sloshing]

I like my Smirnoff
on the rocks.

Thanks for understanding.


Mrs. Powers-to-be,

may you and Leonard
have a life full of mirth.

Randall, why am I using words
like "mirth"?

Hey, everyone, look!

Doug's trying to break-dance.

Looks like I've found myself
an inside man.

What's the holdup, Twayne?

It's been a whole day,
and you still haven't turned

my beautiful angelic daughter
into a festering corpse.

I'm sorry, sir.

Cold-blooded assassination
is usually no big deal for me.

But I still have a bit
of a thing for Callie.

Well, then be a real man
about it, Twayne,

and hire someone else
to do your dirty work.

If word gets out
that the Maggotbone bloodline

has gone soft, my enemies
will eat me alive, literally.

It's really unpleasant.

I'm on it, sir.

[Line beeps]

Mr. Boneraper,
your 9:15 is here.

Send him in.

There he is.

Would you like anything?
Scotch, cigar?

Okay, cut the cute act, Doug.

Or should I say

Cesar the murder bear?


I know what happened
in Bolivia.

[People crying and screaming]

There were women and children
in that village.

I need you to kill again.


The FBI wouldn't take
too kindly

to an international assassin

starting a new life
here in America, Doug.

End her,

or I end you.


[Morose orchestral music]

♪ ♪

Thank you so much
for coming over

and helping move Beatrice.

I think she'll be
so much more comfortable

in the bathtub, don't you?

'Tis better to suffer
than leave a maiden in distress.

Randall, any progress
on why I'm talking like this?

It says, "any groom
wearing the magical ring

"will transform into a knight

to protect his bride's honor."

Dude, you are definitely
getting married.

Pish posh.

Leonard would ne'er deceive me
in such an uncouth manner.

[Moans] Our rings doth glow.

Their powers awake you
from your icy slumber, 'kay?

[Enchanting music]

♪ ♪




My God.
She's beautiful.


Ooh, and it says here

we're gonna have to get her
a drool bucket.

[Doorbell rings]

[Trumpet fanfare]

Presenting Mark Lilly.
All rise.

Fair lady Maggotbone.

Due to circumstances
beyond my control,

I fear our relationship
must come to a conclusion.

What did I do wrong?
I can lose weight!

Gain weight!
Sex change!

Tell me!

When the gods of love conspire
against one's unabound duty,

man hath no choice but to...

He wants to bang
Leonard's chick.

Have you no discretion, squire?

You are so flogged
when we get home.

Dude, my mom
wants that shirt back

when you're done with it.

I have to win Mark back.

He's the love of my life, Doug.

I'll die without him.

End her,

or I end you.

[Dramatic music]

[Doorbell rings]

[Trumpet fanfare]

Presenting Randall Skeffington,

lord of the rebound.

Before we meet Beatrice's
family, I should warn you.

They've been New York royalty
for centuries.

They're kind of stuck
in their ways.

'Tis nothing nobler
than the regal tradition of...

Yeah, you'll be fine.

[Whimsical music]

♪ ♪

Presenting Leonard Powers,
high wizard of social services,

here to collect
your fair daughter's dowry.

Wazzup, bitches?

Where my money at?

Bring in the dowry.

My dowry
is discount mattresses?

Oh, I knew I'd get [Bleep].

Peace out.



I am sorry to disgrace
the good court.

This unseemly outburst
by my liege will not stand.

Where would one find
the winchery?

I have terrible news, milady.

You are about to marry a cad.

[Gurgling and bubbling]

My God.

Your siren song
is irresistible.

I can't stop myself anymore!

Oh, lady Beatrice,

if only I could steal your hand
from that dastardly heathen.

Curse this fate of ours!


Drool once for "yes."

Where is Leonard?

The reception doth start
in but 15 minutes.

[Punctuating groans]

[Groans angrily]



Give me some wedding day
sugar, baby.

- Leonard!
- Yeah.

What is the meaning
of this treachery?

Oh, Mark, this is Arabella.

Yes, she was helping me, uh,
write my wedding vows.

With my...penis?

How could you?

You are about to be joined
in marriage to Beatrice,

the most beautiful woman
in all the realm.

If you love her so much,
why don't you marry her?

I mean, you're already
wearing the ring and all.

I accept your blessing!

'Tis my wedding day.

All too easy.

[People chatting]

[Whimpering happily]

Don't disappoint me.

Or me.

[Whimpering sadly]

[Disgusted chatter]


I introduced them.

All right, listen, Mark,
this was hilarious for a while,

so I let it go on
maybe a little bit too long,

but now you've got 30 more feet
to get out of this.

You have to go now, Mark.

Run! Run! Run!

30 feet I cannot bear
to wait for.

[Crowd moaning disgustedly]

I hope I catch the bouquet.

Congratulations, Mark.
Beautiful ceremony.

Found us a little "b" and "b"
across the river.

Figure by the time I get there,
I'll be ready to go again.

Powering up as we speak.

Enjoy your wedding night
with Jar Jar Stinks.

Not so fast, villain!

[All gasping]

You've sullied my lady's honor
for the last time.

Who, Jabba the Slut?

I will meet you
on the field of joust!


[All gasping]

A thousand apologies, milady.

Is there an orthopedic surgeon
in the house?

[Dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[Crowd cheering]

[Crowd booing]

Black is slimming.

Good luck, my love!


[Trumpet fanfare]

I want a good, clean joust.

Old school.
That means Philly rules.

Keep it above the codpiece.

Whoever loses,
I get their shoes

and whatever's
in their pockets.

[Dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Prepare to meet your doom,

Bitch, I can't wait to joust
that crown off your head!

[Both groaning]



[Thundering crash]

[Horse whinnies]

[Gun clicks]

Know this, old friend.

While I take no pleasure
in destroying you,

I will not shy away
from its necessity.

I can see your entire schlong
from down here.

Then you die a lucky man.

[Intense music]

♪ ♪


- Oh, my God!
- Huh?

[Wood creaking]

[People screaming]

What is going on?

[Gags] Oh, God.

I put my tongue
down that thing's throat.

Tasted like dog food
and cigars.

I can't believe
I've gone three days

without doing anything evil.

Anyone want to help me
drown a hobo?

Oh, thank heavens.

[People screaming]


[Fire roaring]

Love: It's what inspires us
to be better people.

Never proposing again.


[Gleaming tone]

[Gasps] For me?


[Moaning and slobbering]

It's not always pretty.


It's even ugly.

I guess the best you can do

is love the one you're with.

Thanks for putting me
in your will.

I'll never have to buy
a new mattress again.