Ugly Americans (2010–2012): Season 2, Episode 4 - G.I. Twayne - full transcript

Twayne is drafted into Satan's Dark Army. When Mark is forced to join him, he unwittingly discovers a plot to end humanity. Guest starring Rob Riggle.

People are most afraid when
they have to deal with change.


But eventually, you adapt
and the mundanity of life...

hits you square in the face.

They're coming!

The zombies are
gonna tear us apart!

No, you moron.

They're doing a 10k fun
run to raise awareness...

for zombies without graves.

It's a worthy cause.


I didn't know.

I just moved to the city.

Well, let me give you a
big New York welcome.

Hit it, Doug.

Murray is new in town,

so let's give him a
big New York welcome.

None of you freaks get any funny ideas,

especially you!

Take what you want.

Just don't hurt me.

Murray, humans are
just a small part...

of the fabric of New York.

The city is full
of all sorts...

of interesting creatures.

We all live peacefully under
the integration treaty.

So your fear of them is
actually really insulting.


I've heard demons talking
about the end of days.

It's part of their culture.

Demon history is full of
failed end of days plots.


500,000 years ago,
bilth the ugly...

conjured an earthquake
meant to split the planet.

However, it ended up
creating the grand canyon,

one of our nation's most
majestic natural treasures.

What a putz.

Vilmore the unsightly worked
for years to open up...

a demonic portal,

but instead of sucking people
into the ninth circle of hell,

it sent them to sandals
resort in Martinique.

I still don't
understand the rules...

for tipping at resorts.

Today demons are
fully integrated...

but still celebrate
their heritage...

with an annual end of
days war pre-enactment...

in Times Square.

Whoever wants to participate
is assigned a role.

I've never been,
but I hear it's quite a party.

So what do you say?

How about you
hand over the gun?

Not a chance!

Whoa! Oh, not again.

I should really get
bars for this window.

Mark Lilly to Twayne's office.

What's going on?

Twayne's having a meltdown.

"Twayne boneraper,
you have been drafted...

"into Satan's dark army...

to serve as a pre-enactment
foot soldier."


His mother's been getting
him out of service...

for the last 50 years.

I had no idea Twayne was 70 years old.

Very smooth skin for
a demon his age.

You can see it in the eyes.

What's going on, buddy?

Oh, nothing. Nothing at all.

Just spinning some wax.

I head about your draft letter.

Are you okay?

Oh, yeah, totally cool.

I'm just gonna pay the fine.

Look I'm not sure this is my business,

but there must be
a root cause...

for you not wanting
to go down there.

I can't poop away from home.

Oh, very close to the surface.

Am I normal?

Fecal withholding,

generally not common
among the senior set.

Oh, God.

I hate being a grown-up.

You know what I think?

The real constipation
isn't down there.

It's up here.

You mean I have
poop in my heart?

Something important
feels out of control.

So you are controlling
your poop instead.

Hear that? I'm controlling you.

Twayne, if you don't
confront your fears now,

you may never have
full fecal freedom.

Is that a thing?

The three "f"s.

Look it up.

This week in great bonerapers,

general twesley boneraper,
a glorious bastard.

Born to his mother,
bilet boneraper,

and her dashing
sex partner Scott,

general was the runt
in a litter of eight.

His seven brothers in descending
order of greatness are...




Twinston, Twallace,

the unfortunately
named Twatson,

and the least impressive,

Aren't they repulsive?

With twesley boneraper
at the helm,

nothing will stop
our boys down below.

I didn't know that Twayne's
brother is the general...

or that they still
make newsreels.

Head cheese whiz and onions? My treat.

What an unprecedented
act of generosity.

Okay, that completes the
wooing portion of our meeting.

Word on the street is,

you're counseling the
general's brother...

on his turd issues.

How the heck would
you know that?

Have you been bugging me again?

Damn it!

Listen, Mark, I don't
want to be an extra...

in the pre-enactment this year.

I want Twayne to get
me a speaking role.

I don't have that kind of pull.

You'll have to audition
like everyone else.

I refuse to audition.

I can't go through another
casting couch situation.

Get Twayne to sign this
contract I drew up.

You took my hot dog,
so you are obligated to do this.

It's called a hot dog promise,
and it's legally binding, Mark.

Can we discuss this later?
Here he comes.

Hey, Twayne.

How are we feeling?

Really backed up.

Could ride down the
escalator with me?

It would mean a lot to
see a friendly face...

before I get on the bus.

He would be delighted.

Just sign here,
and you're good to go.

Huh, turns out I didn't
need you at all, roomie.

I'll take the hotdog money
out of your sock drawer.

I'm not sure I'm wiping the same way.

Are you supposed to
go front to back,

'cause I've been
trying side to side,

and that feels wrong.

Look at me.

You are overthinking this.

If everyone weren't
judging me all the time,

I'd be a lot more relaxed.

Those are your issues talking.

No one is paying any
attention to you.

Trust me.

There he is!

- That's him!
- The least impressive!

How does it feel to
know you're gonna fail?

Why did you take
so long to report?

On the record, Twayne,
why are you a coward?


Well, well, well.

Look who decided to
show up an hour late...

dressed in a female
track suit...

with the fugliest
slave I've ever seen!

Private boneraper
reporting for duty, sir.

I'm sorry.

Did you say "slave"?

Yeah, sorry I kind
of tricked you.

They st me this list
of stuff to bring.

Get on the bus, maggot!

And into the slave compartment
with you, soft body.

I'm gonna take a pass.

Karate chop!

He'll never survive boot camp.

All right, you ass-grabbing clowns.

I've got three weeks to train
the ass-grabbing out of you...

before the end of days
war pre-enactment!

What do you have to
say for yourself?

Here's a list of my
favorite foods...

and dietary restrictions, sir!

Now listen here, celebrity.

I don't make no lattes.

We will not leak any
sex tapes to the press.

We will rsvp no to
diddy's white party.

Is that clear?

Um, I think there's been
some sort of grievous error.

I'm not t supposed to be here.


Your slave just
addressed me directly.

Esophagus kick!


That's permanent.

Here's your hunk of bread.

Some water usually puddles
on the floor.

Psst, it's piss.

Grimes, how in the hell
can they do this to us?

Last year, we led the human
resistance to victory.

This year, we're slaves.

What part don't you get?

Uh, all of it.

Hey, man, don't talk to me.

Talk to your master.

You mean Twayne.

And when do I get to
talk to him again?

Never. It's
punishable by death.

Mm, that's good.

Once the humans are subjugated,

we will have to win the
hearts and minds...

of the survivors...

whether they like it or not.

Thank you, sir.

May I have another?

You got it, slave.

Twayne, I know I
am risking my life,

but I advised you
as a therapist.

Forced enslavement isn't
a healthy response.

I agree.

I'm going awol on
the count of three.

One, two...

Are you teaching your slave to count?

In Satan's dark army,

it is supremely important
to stay regular.

Loose but classic.

Why in Satan's name is a
soldier's bowel movement...

of any interest to
your superior officers?

I don't know, but quick,
give me a baby Ruth.



Where the hell is your turd?

Still in my tummy, sir!

Private, drop me a fat,
steaming log right now.

Tell me you're at
least crowning.

That's it.

He has some bowel
withholding issues.

I demand to speak to your
director of social services.


Step into his office.

I see what's going on here.

I must warn you.

I've made frequent use of
the pull-up bar at the ymca.

Boot stomping!



General in the [Bleep]Er.

Well selected, brother.

Your slave has
exquisite ass hands.

Get on your feet, ass bearer!

Wha... where am I?

Get his ass in the air.

You're gonna get us in trouble.

What is the holdup down there?

Gently, ass bearer.


He's good, very good.

Maybe the best I've ever seen.

General, nice to see you.

Less than 48 hours to the
end of days pre-enactment.

Let's get started.

Shall we?


Randall, thank God.

Did you get my s.O.S.?

I traded my shoes to get it
out through the underground.

Oh, no, I got it.

I threw it in the garbage,

the way you tossed away
my hot dog promise.

Will you let that go?

You'll be carried in over here.

Royal port-a-potty will
be waiting over here.

And who's our luck
ass hands this year?

This one here.


You will lower the general's
ass gently over here,

cupping it all the way
up the red carpet...

to the port-a-potty.

I have no idea what any of this means.


Get your hands off my slave!

Okay. Whoa, steady!

I can do this.

The ass bearer has escaped.

The ass bearer has escaped.



My brother will pay for this.

Are you talking about me?

Of course I am,
the least impressive one.


As punishment for
losing your slave,

you have been sentenced to
death by genital stinging.

Release the bees.

A few good bees.


The ass bearer has returned.

More like "ass betrayer."

Seize him!

You've abandoned us for the last time.

I didn't abandon you.

Your father did!

The boneraper anal fixation...

is directly connected to
massive abandonment issues.

I present your father,


Daddy's home!

Hello, children.

You're looking... You both look well.

By jove!

Something wonderful
is happening.

It's gonna be a gusher.

False alarm.

It's crawling back up.

Oh, drat.

Now you've scared mine off.

Give them some encouragement.

But I don't know what to say.

This is such a weird situation.

You're doing fine, children.

Uh, I can smell it from here.

In all my 70 years,
I've never been happier!

Why didn't I wear a condom?

Now if you'll excuse me.

I'm going to my cell
to get some sleep.

Total waste of a hot dog.


I did it!

Why are you covered in blood?

I've murdered my brother and
claimed my rightful place...

as general of
Satan's dark army.

Good cricket.

I've created a monster.

A monster who can poop and
behead like a big boy.

I want you to have this as
a token of my appreciation.

All hail boneraper!

All hail boneraper!

All hail boneraper!

All hail boneraper!

My brother died as he lived,

angry, bitter,
and full of hate.

He's gone now,
and we must carry on...

as he would have wanted.

Release crow in parentheses.

Tomorrow we invade
earth and accomplish...

The complete destruction
of humanity!

They have nukes in a pre-enactment?


My God, it's happening!

The end of the world!

Ahh, no!

Don't eat at!

Ow, ow!

General boneraper,

I'm pleased to report
that all troops...

loyal to your brother have
been completely wiped out.

My allegiance is with you, sir.

Lead me to my bath.


Oh, my God! Oh,
my God! Oh, my God!

What do I do now?

I've never been so empty.

Am I dying?

How do you make poop?

You did this to me.

Do you just wait?

I'm in uncharted waters here.

If you could just bear with me,

last time I was conscious,

I thought we were
in a good place...

with your family issues.

The fratricide/ military
coup development...

seems like a step back.

Of course you'd think that.

You don't know the full story.

Let's start at the beginning.

It turns out, the poop was
blocking an old memory.

Months after I was bor...

I had missed out
on feeding time.

So I had to find something
else to satisfy my hunger.

Twilliam was the first.

He was the biggest.

So I needed to catch
him by surprise.

After my first kill,
the others were easy,

especially poor Twatson,
who welcomed death.

As I w about to
finish out the litter,

that'when daddy
Scott abandoned me.



Need a pack of smokes.

Be back in a pip.

I don't want to offend you any further.

But it sounds like
maybe daddy Scott...

was fleeing for his life.

Oh, you're an
amazing therapist.

I'll die without you,

and you'll die if you
ever leave my side.

Let the apocalypse begin!

Pull! Pull!


Oh, my God, no!

Lookee there.

He sawed off his own arm.

Only in New York.

Okay, let's walk through
the ceremony one more time.

The humans realize that the
pre-enactment is real...

and will try to escape in vain.


And, Twayne,

the ball is actually a nuke.

And after it drops...

I press the button,
killing every last filthy human.


Sounds like we're good to go.

Callie, honey,

we have to get out of here.

You have 15 minutes before
I'm forced to eat you,

the awkward ending to
the relationship...

I think we've both
always feared.

Oh, thank God.

Finally someone
will believe me.

You were right all along!

The end is near.

Oh, God. Oh, my God.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

Help! They're coming!

The apocalypse is here!

It's really the
end of the world.

Come with me if
you want to live.

Humanity rests on
your shoulders, Lilly.

You created this monster.

Now you must destroy him.

Mark, I want this shave close.

The lights are
going to be bright,

and those are hd cameras.

Sayonara, boneraper.

Oh, my God!

Please tell me that's hot wax.


That was an attempt on your life, sir.

Permission to take
the slave out?

Abandoned again.

Permission granted.

Bring me my fancy battle pants.

Welcome to the end of days.

I'd like to thank
mayor bloomberg...

for being so hospitable.

He says, "you're welcome."

I'd also like to say hello
to my demonic bride to be.

Hi, honey.

Mm, my first Croatian.

Oh, it tastes like serbian.

And lastly, to my dear beloved father,

I forgive you, daddy Scott.

No, no, no!

Now let's drop the
ball and count down...

to the end of days.

And farewell, general Twayne boneraper.

Ten, nine, eight...

I dare say...

I hardly knew ye.

Six, five, four,

three, two, one!

Aim for his heart, Lilly.

Ow, somebody shot my ear!

Somebody shot my ear!

Who the hell is using live ammunition?

This ass[Bleep] Up here!

Worst pre-enactment ever.

I'm distancing myself
from this mess.

I knew he'd try
something stupid.

Be brave, be brave.


I'm never pooping again.

Why would you bring a real
gun to the pre-enactment?

Everyone else was using
marshmallow bullets.

I don't see how a person
is supposed to know...

something like that, but...

It's all in the script.

If you'd bother showing
up for the table read,

maybe you'd know.

It's right here.

"Humanity rests
on your shoulders.

"You created this monster.

Now you must destroy him."

Then you say your line.

"What separates us
from the demons...

if not our ability to
control ourselves?"...

But I never said that.


You missed every [Bleep] Line.

What are you doing alive,

I saw your head explode.

Old party trick.

All you need is a papier-mache head,

a hand pump, and really
strong neck muscles.



Oh, I pulled my jugular.

Being the most hated
man in New York...

gives you a new
perspective on life.

You seek out peace and quiet.

So what do you want for lunch?

What do you want for lunch?


And you're comforted
by the fact...

that time heals all wounds.

But you also realize,

why throw away a perfectly
good lady's ankle gun?