Ugly Americans (2010–2012): Season 2, Episode 3 - Ride Me to Hell - full transcript

Grimes loses it when his favorite TV series ends with a stupid twist. Mark helps him unravel his attachment to the show, uncovering a deep seated memory along the way, while amateur filmmaker Randall documents the whole thing.


- Congratulations,
detective brock.

The answers
to all your questions

From the last six years
lays behind that door.

- I've exhausted
every plausible theory.

I can't imagine
a satisfying ending

To this twisty adventure.

- Sometimes the road
to discovery

Can lead down
confusing paths.

- Wow, what a weird dream.

I can't wait
to tell god about it.

- Wow.
- Oh!

- Ah, it was all
an angel's dream.

Uh, what a way
to tie up the series.

- Agreed.

- You know, I thought

They'd written themselves
into a corner,

But cuse and lindelof
have done it again.

They get me every time,
those two.

- Grimes, you're awfully quiet.

What did you think
of the ending?

- [growling]
an angel's dream?

You can't end a series
after six goddamn seasons

With an angel's dream!

- Hey, that's--
- ah!

- As god is my witness,
someone's gonna pay for this!

- I don't feel well.

- Ow!
No hotter than usual.

- Well, then there's something
wrong with your hand.

- You're just feeling upset
that your father

Is pressuring you
to take over his job.

- I'll pretend
I have laryngitis.

Then maybe daddy
will pick someone else.

- At least you have
a father to disappoint.

I haven't seen my dad
since my fifth birthday.

- What happened to him?

- Mom says he's still
stuck in traffic,

But something about that
doesn't seem right to me.

You know, I drew this
when I was five.

That's how I'll always
remember us.

While I was touching
my penis just now,

You were touching my heart.

I've filmed you guys having sex
hundreds of times,

And I made a pretty good living
off it.

But now I'm boxed in
as a porno director,

And hollywood won't touch me.

If I could document
your quest to find your father,

I might just be able
to revive my career.

I'll try if you will.

- You know, I am really gonna
need all that sex footage back.

- Okay, well, that, I'm afraid,
you have to take up

With hardcore muff productions,
because that's not even a thing

That I, you know, control.

- So that's how I, as your next
chief operating officer

Of demonic affairs,
will use spam--

- Aldermack, we know you want
your daughter to replace you,

But can you at least pretend
to pay attention

To the other candidates?

- Hey, I have
a high score going.

- And I'm not talking about, uh,
the canned meat.

I'm talking about
annoying emails.

- He totally butchered that.
- No, no.

He was great.

- Okay, cathy.
Who's up next?

- Callie maggotbone.

- [raspingly] I'm sorry,
but I have laryngitis,

So I didn't have time
to prepare anything.

- So it's lucky she made this
video presentation beforehand.

- When you hear the name
callie maggotbone,

You think of two things:

Boobs and evil.

- Well, I know
who gets my vote.

Round one goes to callie,
right, gentlemen?

- Mm.
- Oh, yeah.

- Ugh. Thanks a lot, twayne.

- I'm gonna be
the best damned wife

A ceo of hell's
ever had, callie.

- I don't want the position.

- This job only comes around
once every 35 years,

And I'm not gonna let you
blow it for me--

I mean us.

- Whoa.

- My bacon-wrapped figs!
You oaf!

- Sorry about that.

You wanted to see me?

- Yes.

Grimes has been busting people

Who liked the ending
of his favorite tv show.

Here's his dossier.

Read it and fix him!

But not before
you close your eyes

And taste
this stuffed mushroom.

- Great mouth feel.
Uh, needs a little pepper.

- You picked a great day
for a ride-along, lilly.

Sun's shining and plenty
of crime on the streets.

- Please let me go.

I'll take back my glowing review

Of dishonorable discharge.

- Shut up, washington post's
esteemed tv critic tom shales.

- Grimes, you've been suspended.

We definitely should not be
in a d.O.I. Car.

- Mark, you need to shift
the conversation

Back to your father.

what we talked about in bed?

- There is a deep well
of feelings and memories

About my father, randall,
but right now,

We are here
to help grimes.

- You want to help?

Flip on that siren for me,

- Did you just call me jimmy?

- It's fine.
We'll fix it in post.

Keep going.
- I don't hear siren, jimmy.

- Well, I didn't realize
a civilian was allowed

To touch the equipment
like that, but, uh...

[siren wailing]

- [growls]

[tires squealing]
- oh, my god.

Grimes is having some sort
of psychological episode.


- Do something, tom shales.

- [growling]

- Another clean collar, sarge.

- Real clean, kid.

First day on the force,

And you just busted
your new partner.

- Good work, rookie.

You just ruined
a seven-month sting.

- But why would a cop
dress like a pimp?

- Jimmy's a master
of disguise.

You two are gonna work

- Rookies.
- Can't live with 'em.

Can't shoot 'em in the leg.

- Oh, really?
- Mm-hmm.

- I never heard that one.

- ow!

- [laughs]

- I'm gonna feel that
in the morning.

Stupid rookies.

Where am I?

- What the hell
are you doing here, grimes?

You know damn well
that court order

Forbids you from being within
two blocks of the station.

- It's okay.
I'm his therapist.

This is part
of his healing process.

I can speak to this
from personal experience,

Having gone through
a very damaging crisis myself,

Growing up without a father.

- Okay, hey, mark,
uh, I think we're--

I think we're good
on the dad thing.

You know what?

We're probably
just gonna take it

In a little bit
of a different direction

And go
with the psycho cop angle.

So just find your moments,
or I will cut around you.

- Wait, grimes.

I didn't know
you used to be a real cop.

- Me neither.

I always wondered
what I was doing in the '70s.

I've repressed everything
between 1975 and '79.

- Says here you were
dishonorably discharged?

- You bastard!

You think I've forgotten
about your series finale

Taking a hot dump
all over my expectations?

- I'm sensing
a connection here.

Tight on me.
I'm gonna try something.

Hey, francis.
Hi, buddy.

Hey, you know
what I find myself wondering?

I'm wondering,
"how would lieutenant grimes

Have written that final episode
of dishonorable discharge"?

- Well, I'd lose the angel,
for starters.

Or at least she'd go back
to sleep and continue dreaming

Until she reached an acceptable
ending to the goddamn show.

- Tell me we got that.

- I can't believe I thought
you were leading man material,

Because you have the
personality of particleboard.

- Well, kitten,
the competition to replace me

Enters its second phase

What's your strategy for the
all-important death-cathalon?

- Daddy, has it
ever occurred to you

That I don't want
to replace you?

- Of course it has.
I just don't give a [bleep].

I'm not going to choose
someone "based on merit"

Like donald trump
on the apprentice.

I'm going to hire
my unqualified daughter

Like donald trump
in real life.

- Hmm.

- Pretty good, huh?

Did you like the gypsy
transvestite character, mark?

She's based on you.

- No, I did not.

How about we talk
about your ending?

- What about it?

- You didn't write one.

- I did, and it's
pretty damn great.

The last pages
are sealed in an aluminum tube

That I shoved up my ass.

If you'll give me
a modicum of privacy

And 90 seconds here--

- Okay, well, let's--let's
leave that ending for now.

If it's all right with you,
I'd like to try something.

I bet this takes you back, huh?

- Nothing about this
feels remotely familiar, jimmy.

Cool car, though.

- He continues to use
his partner's name

Even though he was
referring to me.

I'm going to try prompting
those repressed memories.

Stay close.
- Oh, that's great!

Make him have a breakdown.

- You see, grimes,
the trauma you're blocking

Is directly connected
to your old...

- Sandwich.

- I was looking for old partner,

But there are
no wrong answers.

I noticed
you last turned psycho

When you were
behind the wheel of a car.

Ringing any bells?

- No way, I hate bells.

- Very well.

How about...


- You look like an ass[bleep].

Hey, a dashboard 8-track.

You don't see that
every day.

[keyboard music]


- ♪ my one love,
sweet as wine ♪

- ♪ rolling through
the assholes ♪

♪ of my mind ♪


- I told you,
hot wheels and snack time

Are after roll call, rookie.

- Now, we know the demons
are making a change at the top.

One of these four guys is about
to become top dog in hell.

- Hey, jimmy,
can we get hot dogs later?

Don't tell me.
Keep me in suspense.

- Whoever collars
the new boss

Gets to use my boathouse
on a weekend of my choosing.

- How could a guy who owns
a boathouse be so angry, jimmy?

- The question
you should be asking is,

"when is jimmy gonna teach me
everything he knows

About going undercover?"

And the answer is: Now.

- Ah!
- Let's get started, rookie.

- Oh!

- Moron!

Nice shoes, ass[bleep]!
- Hey! Ow!

Mailing a cat
is a federal offense, jimmy.


- Yah! Rule number one
is cover up your mustache.

I gotcha.
- [snarls]

- Freeze, junkie!

- Now you're ready, grimes.

Let's go catch us a demon.

- Grimes! Grimes?

Nope, grimes!

- Ah! What's going on?

- You just came out of
the world's longest flashback.

We're in the middle of arizona,
and I have to say,

You drive shockingly well
while in a fugue state.

- I never saw this as
a buddy picture, honest to god,

But you guys
have great chemistry.

- Try to ease it down under 100
and find the next exit.

I have got quite
the urine jug to evacuate.

- Ladies and gentlemen,
it's phase two

Of our little competition
to replace me.

not that anyone could.

- Oh, I should have said that.

- The judges
will base your scores

On carnage inflicted,
nefariousness, and poise.

On the count of three,
start your evil.

One, two...


- Oh, henry,
you blew it again.

- No, no, no.
No, he was great.


[missile whooshes]


- [yells]

Huh? Oh!

[rumbling thud]

[water rushing]

- Take that, mother nature.

- We came to d.C.
Just for this?

- [groans]


- Hmm!

My god, this coffee's
triggering a memory,

A bold, robust memory.

- Maybe you should just
put the coffee down.

[stomach gurgling]

- Oh, flashback vomit.
I like where this is going.

Mark, get in the frame.

- Let me know
when you need a refill, hon.

- Tell me your biggest flaw.

- Well, sometimes I'm afraid
I'm a little bit too evil.

- Well, I'd say
your biggest flaw

Is actually
a great attribute.

I'm sold.

You're exactly the kind of guy

I want to replace me
as leader of hell.

- I think I got a--
a lead in the case, jimmy.

- You got more than a lead.
You cracked it.

That boathouse
is as good as ours, partner.

- Partner.


He called me partner.

- Come on, buddy.

You've had enough
tonight, yeah.

Let's get you
back to new york.

- Okay, yeah.
I think I'm ready.


Grab his feet.

Hope you got a full charge,
camera monkey,

Because things
are about to get crazy.

- Well, I've been dreaming
for 35 years of retiring

And driving this baby
to branson, missouri.

- But I don't want your job,

- It's not optional.
You're taking the snake, dear.

- Take the snake?
What does that even mean?

- I didn't want
to have to do this

Before the ceremony,

But looks like I'm going
to have to whip it out.

- Oh, gross!

- It's not
what it looks like, perv.

I just can't have anything
restricting me

When I do this.

- Do what?


- [roars]

- Get your rest tonight,

Because to replace me,
you're going to have

To swallow this thing.

[muffled pounding]

- I haven't cried like that
since I was a little boy.

Feels good to have that weight
off my shoulders.

- Well, you got mark
locked in the trunk,

And you're barreling
through the middle of l.A.

Do you have a plan,
or are you just gonna

Drive us
straight into the ocean?

I mean, I'm good either way.

- I am not.

- I've got a plan,
all right.

I've still got
one more scene up my ass.

Those mother[bleep]
of dishonorable discharge

Owe me a proper ending!

[cork pops]

- I'd like to thank
you ladies in advance

For tomorrow's inevitable
victory for callie and I.

This is a "w"
for all demonkind.

Here's to the ladies,

- Okay, gang, if I can
get your eyes up front.

I know you just happened
to be in the building

When this unfortunate--
I wouldn't say hostage crisis,

But let's call it an improv
therapy session broke out.

If you could just read
this one scene as requested--

- Exactly as [bleep] written.

- Okay.

I think we can all
get out of here unscathed.

And just real quick, remember:
Acting, it's reacting.

So just make a bold choice.
Commit to that choice.

All right, the gentleman
with the gun?

- I think I'm good to go.

- All right, folks,
the faster we read,

The faster we're through here.

I need places,
and we're rolling.

And flashback.

- I would like to announce
the demon

Who will replace me
as leader of hell:

Skinny bob.


Have you chosen a demonic name
for yourself?

- I have: Aldermack.

- Damn it, jimmy.
Where are you?

- Now, aldermack,
prepare to ingest slitherax,

The demon snake that possesses
all that is evil.

- [roars]

- It's going down.

Looks like it's time

For the student
to become the master.

Take this,
snake mother[bleep]!

Jimmy says hello!


[machine gun fire]



You didn't tell me

We were pulling a wall job.

- [coughs]
I was getting it on tape.

A good cop
always secures evidence.

- My sweet, sweet jimmy.

But why didn't you tell me?

- Because I knew
you'd [bleep] it up.

Now we won't get a shot at this

For another 35 years.


- No!

I'm starting to repress
my memory, no!

[crying hysterically]

Why couldn't it have been me
who I shot?


- And scene!

- Good, right?
How did I look?

- What an amazing breakthrough
that was.

You killed your partner.

That's what's been
bothering you this whole time.

You must feel really ready
to put down that gun

And head back to new york now.

- Damn right, I am.

That snake ceremony
was 35 years ago to the day.

If we leave now,
we'll just barely make it.

Dust off the piss jug, lilly.
We're going home.

[gun cocks]

- As time and distance
from l.A. Pass,

I am increasingly

Of these persistent bastards
from paramount studios.

- Tonight, as you know, I leave
my coveted throne of power.

After 35 years of my leadership,
I will pass the snake

To the only one among you
that I truly trust.

- [gasps]

- She's been with me
through thick and thin

And has never once complained.

So please welcome
your new snake sucker,



Ca... Cathy.