Ugly Americans (2010–2012): Season 2, Episode 2 - Callie and Her Sister - full transcript

We all like to pretend
that we're special...

Oh, oh! Help me.

I think I'm allergic
to your minestrone.

That we have a destiny.

Ahh!

But for some of us,

it's not always what
we hoped it would be.

My God, no!

Ah!

My petunias!

Oh, great, aramaic.



This can't be good.

"Your arranged marriage draws nigh."

Ugh!

I am not marrying Twayne,
no matter what daddy says!

Don't blame the messenger.

Help me!

That is the fishiest
chili I've ever had.

Thank you.

The secret ingredient is me.

Well, that concludes...

the first annual Mark
Lilly chili cook-off,

and I am happy to announce
first place goes to...

Everybody.

We are the champion, people.



Oh, and one last thing.

Don't forget to turn in your
teacher evaluation forms,

which have virtually nothing to do...

with the celebration
we've had here today.

You are true champions.

Hmm.

It's all for you Callie!

Ah!

Oh.

I think I know what this is about.

Ah!

- Ah!
- Ah!

You call that an omen?

That's not even how you spell my name.

That is kind of cool.

Hey there, kitten.

Did you see the horrific
visions I sent you?

A little wedding gift
for my only daughter.

Very sweet, daddy,

but you know how I feel
about arranged marriages.

Besides, I'm with Mark.

Your office boy toy? Please.

I've had relationships
with strippers...

that were more serious.

You know I have a magical blood
pact with the bone rapers.

You have to go through with this,

or I'll be killed.

You only made this arrangement
because you still feel guilty...

about ditching Twayne's
mom at the altar.

Darling, you know I'm
not capable of guilt.

I promised you to Twayne
because his family...

is paying me a
buttload of money...

to deliver a bride for
that un[Bleep]able oaf.

My ears are burning.

Who's ready to go
pick out centerpieces?

Ah.

Cute earring.

Great.

I am literally
attracted to you.

Like I said, magical blood pact.

Let's talk outside.

Twayne, do you really want to marry me?

Well, duh. It's preordained.

Aren't you tired
of our parents...

trying to control our lives?

I don't know if mommy would
approve of this kind of talk.

"Wears the same shirt every day."

"Can't discern between
different types of chili."

No one takes me seriously.

I can't imagine why.

I have to step up my game,

start seeing them one-on-one.

The D.O.I. Can't afford...

to provide those kinds of services.

Don't you read the budget reports?

Ow! What has gotten into you today?

Really stepped it up with the sadism.

Ugh, just more of daddy
trying to control my life.

What else is new?

Well, I'm sorry to hear that,

but how can I get through to
my case files if not at work?

Your office boy toy?

I've had relationships
with strippers...

that were more serious.

You can use your apartment
as your office...

and move in with me.

Wow, that's a big step.

I didn't know you were ready to
make that kind of commitment.

Of course I'm ready.

I mean, come on,
why else would I ask you?

I don't know.

- That slot, bunch of pigs all...
- Randall?

Oh, my God! Ladies, don't leave.

Thanks a lot, Mark.

I already paid for the full hour.

You owe me $37,

or I could just take
it out of the rent.

Your choice.

Look, uh, I've got some news
that might fix this situation.

I'm moving in with Callie.

Oh, my God. Are you drugged?

No, let go.

We're just going to try it out,
see how it goes.

Now you can use my room freely
for your vile sexcapades,

and I will use your old room...

to conduct one-on-one therapy
sessions with my students.

I tell you what.

Throw an extra hundred bucks,
and you got yourself a deal.

Fine.

Now, if you'll excuse us,
it's feeding time.

Here pig, pig, pig, pig, pig. Woo-ee!

Callie, sweetheart,
you called this meeting.

Is there some sort of problem, dear?

I have an announcement to make.

I'm moving in with Mark...

and withdrawing from my
arranged marriage to Twayne.

But if I don't provide
a bride for Twayne,

I'll be brutally murdered.

It's all right here, dear.

Please don't address
my client directly.

I hate to interrupt,

but does anybody have
some toilet paper?

I got a nosebleed on the way down here.

It's the change in altitude.

I'm not marrying this loser.

By "I," I mean her.

Maybe we should eliminate
the real problem,

your milquetoast boy toy.

What's his face?

His name is Mark Lilly.

Leave my boyfriend out of this.

He has no idea about
me marrying Twayne,

and it's going to stay that way.

Don't start something
you can't finish, dear.

Where do I find Mark Lilly?

Just getting my BlackBerry.

Tell the doctor I'm dropping a deuce.

Welcome.

You're my first
private session.

Kind of an exciting moment for me,

but I guess we should focus on you.

Ah, what's been going on?

Bought trans am like smoky
and bandit on credit.

Mm-hmm.

Couldn't afford.
So now they call all time.

Well, money is often...

the biggest cause of
stress in our lives,

have you thought about...

Whoa!

Oh, hey, Mark, while you're
out will you pick up tp?

Your towel's out
of clean spots.

Ah, ah! Oh, my God!

Let me out of here!

I think you'll find escape
quite impossible, Mark.

I don't want to die.

I just grew up.

You've interfered with
Callie for the last time.

America's newest millionaire.

Wait. What?

I'm bribing you to break
up with my daughter.

And to sweeten the deal,

here's my famous
strawberry rhubarb pie.

I have to respectfully decline,

but I am sure it's delicious.

I'm afraid I'm out of briefcases, Mark.

My last offer is death.

Huh?

Excuse me for just one minute.

I'm in the middle of a murder, honey.

Can this wait? No.

I want you to stop interfering
in our daughter's life.

Callie should be able to
make her own decisions.

But, Rosie, have you seen this loser?

- Put your pie away.
- Put my pie away?

Put the pie away.

The pie was your idea.

You said the next time
you want to kill someone,

try giving them a pie instead.

Why on earth would I ever tell you...

to try to bribe someone with a pie?

That literally makes no sense at all.

Why don't we start at the beginning.

Was there a time you ever
cared for each other?

Well...

Well, I can't believe I
let you talk us into this,

but here goes nothing.

A few decades back,

I had an arranged marriage
to Violet bone raper,

Twayne's mom.

But I just couldn't go through with it,

so I ditched her at the altar.

Oh, ring-a-ding ding, mack,

just keeping your seat warm.

I thought I was only
delaying the inevitable,

but then I saw her,

the most beautiful
woman in the world...

and my way out.

Frankie, I want your girl.

Don't waste your time.

I've been trying to crack
that walnut for weeks.

She wants a baby.

No kidding?

I'll cut to the chase, sweetheart.

You rub my back, I'll impregnate yours.

Okay.

I do want a baby,

but you can't kill
me after I've had it.

Fine, fine.

Initial here in blood.
Initial here in blood.

Initial here in blood.

Initial here in blood.
Initial here in blood.

Hmm, hmm, hmm.

And initial here in blood.

Splendid.

Now let's hit Vegas and lock this down.

The marriage didn't last,

but I got Callie,
which made everything worth it,

right, honey?

Yeah, you took away my soul...

and then dumped me for a
slough of younger women.

Glad I could be a part of it.

Oh, you weren't using your soul anyway.

You will have to excuse me.

My secretary has just alerted
me to an emergency outside.

Ha!

We need to get out of here immediately.

My dad is kind of homicidal
about us living together.

I think we're past that.

He's in my office
with your mom.

This ends now.

I really don't like to interrupt...

a session in progress,
especially with a crossbow.

- Oh, the horror.
- The horror.

- Stroke.
- Mm-hmm.

- Stroke.
- Yep.

- Stroke.
- Mm-hmm.

Stoke.

Doug, why don't you take
the rest of the day off.

- Stroke.
- Sure.

- Stroke.
- Mm-hmm.

- Stroke.
- Yep, yep.

- Stroke.
- All right.

Didn't see that one coming.

Hopefully my dad's so distracted...

by the make-up sex,

he'll stop meddling in my life.

Wow, last time I was here,
I was just a baby,

and I looked just like that.

This one goes out to mack, Rosie,

and their new little
bundle of pure evil.

Let's take a walk down memory
Lane with when I was 17.

A one, two, a one, two, three.

Ring-a-ding ding, guys.

Callie, meet your new sister, Lillith.

You're off the hook, congratulations.

New sister?

But we just caught you
having sex yesterday.

Thanks to all the hormone
injections I've been getting,

Lillith was born this morning
and will age one year every day.

She was be taking Callie's
place with Twayne.

Goochie goochie goo.

Hey, guys.

Okay, whiskey for the daddy,
Martini for the mommy,

and a bottle of milk
for my special girl.

Wait, you mean she'll
be taking Callie's job?

She means Lillith will
be taking my place...

as Twayne's emergency
contact on his library card.

Yeah, that sounds passable.

Oh, well, I'm so glad...

that I could put a
family back together...

in my first week of private practice.

If you could leave a
favorable review on yelp,

that would be greatly appreciated.

To responsibility.

Ugh, I can't believe you're
living with this zero.

I'm killing him now.

No!

I can't risk another toast, sweetie.

I don't expect you
to understand, daddy.

It's our only chance to
have a normal life together.

If you want to waste your time
with this schlub, be my guest.

I have a new little bundle of evil now.

Your services are no longer required.

♪ You wouldn't think twice ♪...

♪ about changing
a lightbulb ♪...

♪ unless you had a demon
child like me ♪...

Ah!

Lillith, help! I'm your mother!

"Heard about the accident.
Don't need the drama.

Peace out, macky."

Kill it or me,

but I'm not raising the
omen baby by myself.

I want to live with you.

Mark, we're just starting out
as a carefree urban couple.

I don't think we are
ready to be parents.

She's going to be 18
in under two weeks.

It'll be a good test to see...

if we are ready for the real thing.

Yay.

Oh, there is my little kitten.

And Lillith, age six,
her first pony ride.

Uh-oh.

Looks like we got some
technical difficulties here.

Ah!

Really, Lillith?

I wasn't doing hot heads
past the age of four.

- You're old and saggy.
- Ugh.

Every day is a birthday with Lillith,

day ten, age ten.

We're doing it Mexican style...

♪ deedle-ee deedle-ee da la do do ♪...

♪ deedle deedle deedle... ♪ goddamn it!

How can the memory
card be full?

I just emptied this thing.

Hmm...

- Ow, my pants!
- Oh!

You're lucky your foster
dad wasn't conscious...

to find out about this.

Okay.

Gamely proceeding forth,

still haven't caught that mugger,

but dad's healing nicely.

Parent-teacher
conference day...

for my big girl in seventh grade.

Seems like only yesterday,
you were in sixth grade.

Oh, wait. That was yesterday.

Daddy, you're so funny.

Well, thank you, sweetheart.

The jokes are there...

for the people who want to hear them.

We need to have a serious
discussion about Lillith.

She made the school
mascot come to life,

and it ate the whole marching band.

They grow up so fast.

Hey, 'rents, do you think
this dress is tight enough?

Holy mackerel.

Ah!

Mr. Lilly, Ms. Maggotbone.

What are you doing here?

I just wanted to take Lillith out...

for some burgers and shakes,

and then maybe enjoy a
Christian troubadour...

at the local abstinence fair.

- Mm-hmm.
- Um...

Just get it out of your system.

You know who you're going to
have to be with in the end.

See you later, daddy.

Bup, bup, bup. Hand it over.

Here's $20, home by 2:00.

Have a great time, kids.

Whoo!

Don't worry.

I keep a spare penis in
the seat compartment.

Whoo-hoo!

Oh!

Thanks for see me on
such short notice, Mark.

Of course. What seems
to be the problem?

Well, this is a little awkward,

but I wanted to get your blessing.

I know it's an arranged marriage,

but I would just feel better
if I had your nod of approval.

What?

Blessing to marry who?

Mr. Lilly, may I have
your permission...

to marry your adopted
daughter, Lillith?

What are you talking about?

Oh, alger mack promised
to make Callie my bride,

but now he's replaced her with Lillith.

Which is cool,
'cause she's hotter anyway.

Absolutely not!

Oh, she definitely is,

which is the problem.

In seven hours, I'm supposed to...

Do the intercourse
with Lillith.

I mean, it's a lot of pressure.

My mom will be there.

I think it might be televised.

Televised?

Of course. It's a demon wedding.

We consummate on the sex
altar in front of everyone.

So much pressure.

Over my dead body!

You will not be marrying my daughter...

or doing the intercourse with her!

Well, she's technically
not your daughter.

Callie, we have to talk.

I just found out that Twayne
is supposed to get married...

to your sister and have
sex with her in public.

On the one hand, I am completely
shocked and disgusted,

and on the other, I'm a little upset...

I didn't even get to help
her pick out the dress.

I'm sorry.

It just never seemed
like the right time...

to bring something
like that up.

Ugh, how could you be a part of this?

You're right.

I couldn't agree with you more.

Hey, bitches.

Lillith, I'm glad you're here.

Your pop-pop and I have
something to say to you.

I couldn't believe it when daddy
told me I had to marry Twayne.

He had no right to try and
control my life like that.

But now I see that I've been...

trying to do the exact
same thing to you.

If you want to weasel out of
your arrangement like I did,

I'm fine with that.

So you don't want me to marry Twayne?

That's right.

I don't want you to.

Well, how do you like this, sis?

I'm going to do the exact opposite...

of what you want me to do.

I am going to marry him.

You're too old for him anyway, hag.

So, can I have my penis back now?

Can you believe how wonderful
the sex altar looks?

I've got the know the florist she used.

Twayne, I just
want you to know...

that if it weren't for my
blood pact with your family,

I wouldn't let you within
100 feet of my daughter.

100 feet is very generous, sir.

It is time.

I don't know if I can do this.

Just think of something
is that makes you happy.

Get out there, cowboy.

Ponies ponies, ponies, ponies,
ponies, ponies, ponies, ponies.

Honestly,
I still can't believe...

you're going to sleep with Twayne...

in front of this
entire stadium,

but I guess I have to be respectful...

of our cultural differences,

so go and have a good life with
the man you were created for.

Twayne is a dolt,

and my annoying sister
doesn't appreciate you.

That's really no way to talk...

about your sister or
your future husband.

And in about three minutes,

I will be destroying the two of them...

and consummating my marriage
to you on the sex altar.

Um, this is was not the
talk I had in mind.

See you out there, daddy.

Being a father of the
bride is really stressful.

♪
♪...

We are gathered here today...

to witness the marriage
of these two demon lovers.

Does anyone know why these
two should not get busy?

In that case,

let's get ready for some humping!

Ah, ah.

Yeah.

Um, I think I'm going to
need a bigger mating bone.

Fluffers.

How'd your little talk go?

Interesting thing about that.

She said she's going to
kill you and Twayne...

so she can marry me.

Kill me?

Marry you?

That's it in a nutshell.

Oh, I don't think so.

Hold my soul, please.

This ends now.

Go get her, honey.

Stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke.

Don't worry, Twayne.

This will only kill a little.

You will not be
killing my boss...

and [Bleep]Ing my boyfriend.

But you will be getting [Bleep]Ed up.

Well, I took quite a spill,

but I think I might be regaining
the use of my legs if I just...

Huh!

Not cool.

Mwah!

Sorry, everyone.

Show's over.

There will be no demonic
wedding today...

and no refunds.

But be sure to visit the
gift shop on the way out.

Thank you, and drive safely.

Is it wrong to say I'm
happy to see Lillith gone?

I'm going to have to patch things up...

with Twayne's mom again,

but I like our little
family the way it is.

Except for you, Mark.

Play us off, Frankie.

You got it, chairman.

A one, two, three.

Destiny can be a curse.

You can try to control it...

These are going to be
collector's items one day.

Ah, no they're not.

But typically, it controls you.

Be honest.

Now that you don't
have to marry Twayne,

do you still want to live with me?

Have your stuff out
of my place by Monday.

I figured.