Ugly Americans (2010–2012): Season 2, Episode 13 - The Roast of Twayne the Boneraper - full transcript

Hmm, do I want goobers
or jujubes?

[Gasps]

Twayne the bone raper.

[Whimpers]

But what they don't realize

is that the top
can be a scary place.

I just want to apologize
to my mom

for not being as evil
as she wanted.

Oh, God! I'm gonna die here!

[Screams]

Twayne the bone raper?



Delivery for you.

[Breathes heavily]

"Congratulations
to our fearless leader"--

Oh, I can be such
a scaredy-cat sometimes.

[Bug hisses]

Ooh, a bug!

Get it off!

[Intense orchestral music]

[Screams]

Now, as you all know,
we're throwing Twayne a roast,

and Twayne himself
asked me to be on the dais,

so I thought I'd try out
some of my material

right here, right now.

All right. Here we go.



This isn't Twayne's first roast.
Nope.

As a matter of fact, he uses
his crock-pot most weeknights.

[Rimshot]

Twayne seems pretty horny.
Yeah.

Maybe that's because
he has horns on his head.

[Rimshot]

See?

"Horny" can mean
a couple different things

if you think about it.

This is going to be a problem.

Hey, friends, wicked excited
for your zingers tomorrow.

If you don't rip me to shreds
at that roast,

I'm going to be
personally offended.

He's gonna love my performance.

I've got puns and rimshots
and then more puns.

Mmmm.

You know, you don't have
to go up onstage.

The real action at any roast
is in the decorating.

Decorations are a blast,
but I've got comedy gold to mine

with my punch line pickax.

Take off the kid gloves.

You're just not funny.

Please don't take a bland,
flavorless crap on our night.

[Chuckles]

Well, we'll see whose "crap"
is bland and flavorless

when I knock them death.

Ugh, he can't even exit
on a good line.

Stop being the unfunny friend,
jokes that rhyme--

With a bibliography like this,
I can't lose.

Punny me, punny you?

What the [bleep]
is this garbage?

I'm trying to get edgier
for Twayne's roast.

Well, you're in luck.

After I showed Leonard
my old stand-up tape,

they begged me to MC the roast.

Ladies, you're beautiful.
I love you, ladies.

You're beautiful,

but a lot of y'all are not
washing yo' ass properly.

Women need to wash they ass.

Get a febreze or a glade plugin
and plug it in that ass.

Oh, I'm gravy. I'm gravy.

Wow, you had them eating
out of the palm of your hand,

but I don't know
if I could come up

with a routine like that.

Okay, I'll write your set
for you.

Here's what I'm gonna need
from you:

A list of Twayne's faults

and your undying commitment
to my material.

[Applause]

Welcome to the roast
of Twayne the bone raper.

Throw me on the spit! Whoo!

[Laughs]

[Cheers and applause]

Twayne, are you happy
to be here?

Say, Callie,
I may be dummy Twayne,

but Twayne's the real dummy.

The puppet's talking
on its own!

[Laughs] Priceless!

[Cheers and applause]

How about a few impressions?

Bobby de Niro.

Are you speaking with me,
Twayne?

There's no one else here,
so you must be speaking to me.

[Laughter]

You know you're a demon when
someone tells you to go to hell

and you're already there.

Oh, it's funny
'cause I don't have to think.

Our next roaster
is the answer to the question,

"is there anything
I won't [bleep]?"

The queen of mean,
Lisa Lampanelli, everyone.

[Cheers and applause]

Look at this dais, huh?

We got more unknown organisms
up here than my last pap smear.

[Laughs]

Callie Maggotbone's here.

What a body on her, huh?

Her boobs are about as natural
as Leonard's hard-on.

Oh, here it comes.

Leonard, hey, must have been

a lonely 300 years
before Viagra.

No wonder they called it
the dark ages,

which incidentally
is what I call my Ver-Gina.

[Laughter]

And finally,
the man of the hour,

Twayne the bone raper.

Seriously, has anyone
ever seen this guy naked?

Now I know
why they call it a redwood.

[Laughter and cheers]

I'm really worried
these jokes are too mean.

Okay, after all the work
I just put into your set,

don't you dare
undersell it out there.

Do you understand me?

Remember, it's not you.

It's your new stage persona,
Rick nightingale.

All right, do good.

[Groans]

A lot of people think
of this next performer

as a wet blanket

and not just because
his girlfriend's a squirter.

Pease give it up for Mark Lilly.
Mark Lilly, everyone.

[Tough rock music]

Actually, that goody-two-shoes

couldn't make it tonight.

I'm Rick nightingale,
you dick licks.

Uh, Twayne, Twayne's so cut

that when his neck vein bulges,

it looks exactly
like his favorite snack:

Dick.

Oh-go-go-goo.

Mm.

I guess that's why

his nickname around the office
is [bleep]sucker.

[Crowd gasps]

Hey, Twayne,
I got you a little gift.

[Moans nervously]

Why are you doing this?

For you, buddy.

I've never made someone
cry from laughing before.

What a rush.

Seriously, Twayne's job is
so easy, a monkey could do it,

if you could find a monkey
dumb enough to waste its life.

[Crowd boos]
Get off the stage.

Yeah, what's the difference

between Twayne
and an expired condom?

An expired condom
occasionally works.

Hey, you leave Twayne alone,
you monster.

He's a good man!

[Crying loudly]

Uh, but this isn't
Twayne's first roast.

Yeah, he uses
his crock-pot a lot

cook food in.

[Crowd boos]

Dicks?

Okay, wow. Jesus.

Well, it's customary for
the roastee to say a few words,

but I think it might be best
under the circumstances

if everyone just filed
out of here

as quietly and orderly
as possible.

No, God damn it.

I need to say a few things.

Twayne, I'm really sorry.

You had your turn to speak.
Now it's mine.

You think I'm a joke?
You think my job is easy?

Then why don't you do it?

I have an announcement to make.

Mark Lilly is now in charge
of the D.O.I.

I quit!

[All gasp]

[Cries loudly]

Listen, everyone,
that wasn't really--

Mark Lilly
was my stage persona.

Rick nightingale,

he had a tough upbringing
on the streets of Detroit--

[cheers and applause]

Hello, anyone home? Twayne?

[Sobbing] Don't look.

I'm a hideous failure.

The biggest joke
at my roast was me.

Hey, hey, come on.

Those are Mark Lilly's words,

words that he wrote on his own
without help from anyone.

But you know what?

He's not the problem. You are.

[Sobs] I am?

Mark tore you down, Twayne,

and now Randall's here
to build you back up

for a small fee--

well, actually,
quite a large fee.

I'll teach you that
no matter what your problem is,

the cause is fear.

My system works for anyone.

Hey, I'm anyone.

So when can we start?

We already have.

First step,
we're gonna teach you

how to wash yo' ass properly.

Damn, yo' ass stink.

Put a tic tac in that [bleep].

I think we can all agree

this isn't how
the three of us imagined

Mark Lilly would assume control
of the D.O.I.,

but I'm hoping now
we can move on

and focus on doing
a bang-up job

of helping out
our fellow citizens.

That sounds
really constructive.

Wake me when Mark's
not in charge.

Don't forget to submit
a vacation request.

Your schedule, Mr. director.

- 9:00 A.M.: Lunch.
10:15: Lunch.

Twayne's entire day
is filled with lunches.

7:00 P.M.: Lunch.

Why wouldn't he
just call that "dinner"?

There must be some
actual business to take care of.

Our yearly budget.

It requires
the director's signature--

Wait.

67% of the budget goes
to the department of birthdays?

What the hell is that?

Allow me to show you.

[Device beeps]

The former director wanted
his own elevator to fart in.

Let loose, Mr. director.

Enjoy your success.
[Farts loudly]

Oof. That is musty.

I present the department
of birthdays!

Welcome, Mr. director.

Joyce, get these men
some refreshments!

- Oh.
- Bitch.

As you can see, sir,
we specialize in all aspects

of celebrating D.O.I.
staff birthdays.

Joyce!
- [Whimpers nervously]

Employee birthday cards
are designed and written here.

Oh, we're in luck!

A reading.

Put down the W-2S
and requests for vacation.

Put a pin in today's
sexual harassment orientation.

We all know how human
a resource you are.

Happy Birthday to you,
Beth in hr.

[Applause]

The D.O.I. birthday singers.

They're practicing the beloved

and world-famous
traditional birthday song.

♪ Happy Birthday to--

- Birthday time is here again.
Exactly, Mr. Director.

Well done.

Finally, the bakery.

I know somebody
who's gonna love this cake:

Goose Kevin!

I am beyond impressed.

Next you're gonna tell me
you can bake birthday fun

directly into the cake.

I'm sorry. We can't do that.

But extreme radical
celebrity chef Guy Fieri can!

What are you waiting for?

Deep-fry that bitch.

His salary's kind of excessive,

don't you think?

In fact, the budget
for your whole department

kind of...is.

What are--what--
what are you saying?

He's saying
you're [bleep] canned.

The birthday department
is over.

Get packing, people.

As you wish, Mr. director.

Abort! Abort!

Joyce, I blame you,
you gimpy, dateless bitch!

No sense in this
going to waste.

Well, right about now,
you're probably asking yourself

why we're at Le Bernardin

enjoying an incredibly expensive
tasting menu plus wine pairing.

Nope.

Lunch is my favorite meal
of the day.

Ask anyone.

This isn't just lunch.

After being humiliated in front
of a large group of people,

I need to teach you
how to get your confidence back,

and to do so,
I've poisoned your amuse-bouche

with arsenic.

That was 12 courses ago!

I will administer the antidote

only after you are able
to secure a date

with one of the notoriously
snobby and judgmental women

dining at this restaurant,

so get mingling.

Hello, my name is Twayne.
You look lovely today, madam.

I think we--
[Groans and gurgles]

[Screams]

He'll be covering it.

I got to say,
Fieri makes a great cake.

[Door slams]

Ahem.

- Is this--
- Yes, sir.

Goose Kevin.

So you cancel my birthday,
then eat my cake.

Enjoying my beak, you bastard?

Um, Mr. Kevin--

It's Goose Kevin!

Do you know I got up
at 3:00 this morning

to put on my birthday suit?

You know how hard it is
to button buttons

when you're a goose person,
you insensitive prick?

You don't have a friend
with fingers

who could have
helped you out on that?

No!

Yesterday Dennis in accounting
had his birthday party.

Oh, there was cake
and fun and laughter,

but today, suddenly,
birthdays are too expensive.

So when my kids ask me
how my day was,

I'll have to tell them that my
boss wishes I'd never been born.

I don't even know you.

This is my first day
on the job.

And this is how
you get to the top?

Canceling birthdays?

I was just trying
to save money for important--

Shut your man lips.

As a goose people's
representative,

I'm calling an emergency meeting
of the general assembly.

What's the general assembly?

It's the governing body
that brings together

all the species
of New York City

in accordance
with the integration treaty.

The treaty upholds the peace.

Without the D.O.I.
to enforce it,

the city would descend
into chaos.

[Indistinct murmuring]

[Clears throat]

Good day, assembly.

Today my birthday
will go uncelebrated.

- That's outrageous!
- It's his birthday!

Suck my bulbs!

Order! Order!

Director, if you please.

Uh, hi, everyone.

I just got
the director job today,

and, well, I thought
it would be efficient

if we shut down
the department of birthdays.

[Murmurs of disapproval]
What?

Guy Fieri is making
$2 1/2 million!

It is with a heavy heart

that the goose people secede
from the integration treaty.

I bid you good day.

Not good.

The carrot men also withdraw,

and I might add
the director blew off

all six of the lunches
I had scheduled today.

I bid you good carrot!

We will not be part of a union

that does not include
carrot men.

So it is agreed.

The New York integration treaty
is dissolved.

[All shouting]

Let's go!

Freaky biscuit is on the move.

Freaky biscuit is secure.

Is there a process of appeals
on the code name?

D.O.I. Director Mark Lilly's

shocking elimination
of the birthday articles

has led to the collapse
of the integration treaty.

Now after decades
of peaceful coexistence,

creatures are acting
like monsters

rather than citizens.

Ooh, hey, look. A sandwich.

- [Growls]
- [Screams]

[All screaming] - [Growls]

You may ask yourself
why we're at a tailor

being fit for $10,000 suits.

Well, it's to make you confront
your fear of getting hurt again.

Are you sure I'm really
afraid of that?

Let's find out!

I call this "The Cat Bag"
by Randall Skeffington.

Their razor-sharp claws

represent the barbs
that Mark hurled at you.

Eventually, you will become numb

to even the most agonizing
bites and scratches.

[Laughs]

Put him in the cat bag!

- Mm.
- [Gasps]

Ow! [Cats yowling]

This doesn't make any sense!

Oh, this doesn't make any sense!

[Siren wailing]

Welcome to the director's
command bunker.

Now that you've turned New York
into a denf roving maniacs,

we have no choice
but to destroy the city.

Let's get comfortable

and watch these ass[bleep]
go up in flames!

Step one:
We blow the moors the city.

[Explosion]

Step two: Activate bomb.

[Device beeps]

[All screaming]

Help!

The explosion
will send the city

to the bottom of the sea,

where it will join Atlantis

in the watery grave
of failed liberal experiments.

But the three of us
and Trish here

will evacuate
and repopulate Manhattan

in a government-subsidized
Iowa cornfield.

Wait, you mean rebuild,
not repopulate, right?

I get her on Friday nights.

Geeh!

I just need a chance
to reason with Goose Kevin.

Fine.

I'll indulge
your cute hippie fantasy,

but the escape pod
leaves in an hour,

with or without you.

Here are your keys

to the director's
top secret security vehicle.

That's a Segway
with a plastic bubble over it.

Keen eye, Lilly.

[Sirens wailing]

[Yells]

Suck my balls!
Suck my balls! Suck my balls!

Now you're probably asking
yourself, "Why are we here,

in the presidential suite
of the Waldorf Astoria?"

I have a lot less curiosity
than you give me credit for.

Because you're gonna

conquer your fear
of heights and gravity...

I don't fear heights
or gravity!

While I conquer my fear
of sensual massage.

Oh, God, it sounds scary
just saying it.

I've had enough!

Your program hasn't
taught me anything.

I'm Twayne the bone raper,

and I don't care what you,
Mark Lilly, or anyone else says!

I'm through being pushed around!

[Applause]

- You've just completed
the last step:

Telling me off.

Congratulations, Twayne.
You've conquered fear.

Now go conquer life!

I'm stuck.

Goose Kevin,
I'm here to apologize.

I'm sorry, did someone fart

and it came out
sounding like words?

I didn't realize just
how important birthdays were,

especially
Goose Kevin's birthday.

But I think we can agree

2/3 of the D.O.I. budget
for birthdays is insane, right?

I sentence you
to a public pecking!

Bread crumb him, boys!

[Yelling]

[Squawks]

Oh, God.

[Yells]

Help!

Ow, your beaks are so sharp.
I didn't know that.

Ow!

♪ Happy Birthday time
is here again ♪

♪ it's birthday time
for you, my friend ♪

♪ it's a very special day
for you, so ♪

All: ♪ blow out the candles
and have a piece of cake ♪

♪ may your dreams come true
on the wish you make ♪

♪ open up your presents
for goodness' sake ♪

♪ our birthday friend

♪ Goose Kevin

I'm so sorry we missed
your birthday, Goose Kevin.

[Grunts] Uh-oh.

Look what I did.

[Laughter]

Never too early
or too late for a birthday!

Let's party!

[All cheering]

Twayne, I take back
everything I said at your roast.

I always thought you were
a do-nothing figurehead,

but now I understand
that your schmoozing,

buck-passing,
and refusal to rock the boat

are exactly
what the position requires.

I'd like to offer
my resignation.

I'd be happy
to take my job back,

after that thing is dealt with.

Oh, God.
I forgot about the bomb!

We're all gonna die!

Did you learn nothing today?

If you ignore a problem,
somebody else always solves it.

All we have to do
is point it out.

Oh, no!

There's a bomb
in that briefcase!

It's going to sink the city!

[All screaming]

I will fly the bomb
out of the city.

No, you can't, Goose Kevin!

It's your birthday!

The Goose people will
rejoin the integration treaty

under one condition:

Never again
will anyone's birthday

go uncelebrated.

I solemnly swear
to uphold all birthdays.

Remember me to your children.

♪ Everybody has to die

♪ baby, please don't cry ♪

That is one heroic goose.

♪ See you in a dream

♪ that can be a lonely place

♪ waiting there
to see your face ♪

♪ baby, please don't ♪

♪ baby, please don't take
too long ♪

[Explosion]

[All cheering]
Suck my balls!

I say if it ain't broke,

don't fix it.

***with a cream cheese frosting, Guy.

- Bummer.
- Kidding.

You can't overdo ***.

But sometimes, even if it is broke,
don't fix it.

I'm 18!

Because change isn't always necessarily
for the best.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com