Ugly Americans (2010–2012): Season 2, Episode 12 - Any Given Workday - full transcript

Randall replaces Mark as the quarterback of an intramural football team.

[Rat squeaking]

We all have dreams,

but we aren't always brave enough

to pursue them.

After all, it takes a lot of courage

to make them come true.

And sometimes a little stupidity.

[Laughing maniacally]

[Electricity sizzles]


Careful, ass[bleep].

Oh, sorry.
I get carried away in moment.

You pay me 16 American dollars now.

16 bucks?

I would've paid twice that much.

I'ma have to register this gun
with the NRA.

Ooh, yeah!
Get some!

Now, can I see your selection
of downstairs replacements?

- Hmm?
- Mm.

Okay, everybody,
I got one question for you:

Are you ready for some annual
social services

versus goon squad football?

I love a good football game.

Thanks, Twayne.

My team is gonna need
some of that spirit

to avoid what happened last year.

Well, what were you thinking
putting Gerard at running back?

It's a miracle he didn't break
his neck sooner.

I miss that silly
long-necked man.


Maybe Grimes can just go easy on you.

- No chance.
- Hut, hut, hut, hut...

Oh, it's on.

Goon squad V.S.
Panty squad.


Just a little harmless
ribbing, everyone.

- Nothing to be alarmed--
- Ball snap!

And that's my scrotum.

You want to gamble
on your company football game?

As a bookie, I don't normally
take bets on intramural sports.

But I've got the itch, Carmine.

I've put money on every
professional game this week,

and I still need more action.

Just look the teams over
and give me a spread.

I'll bet you $1,000
that I'll look into it.

You're on.

I'll look into it.


Thanks for meeting me
before class, Goren.

We are not on familiar
name basis, teacher.

Croatian man.

Randall wanted
to say something to you.

- Huh? Huh?
- What are you doing?

I'm trying to get you
to follow the script I gave you

saying that only real doctors
are allowed

to attach arms in America.

You can say that with wink.

Dude, winks can mean a lot of things.

In this case, it means Mark's
being dishonest and sneaky.

Is good lesson.
I like to sneak.

Oh, my God, you haven't taught
these guys about winking?

Stop writing!
This isn't about winking.

I'm trying to tell you

that you can't just go around
operating on people.

You're not a doctor.

But, teacher, I have license.

Is from Zagrebaka Medicinski school.

You're in America now.

That means you need
an American medical license,

and that takes years of hard work.

No more doctor cut-cut,
got it?

Oh, baby.

That is tight.

80 grand?

Not on my salary.

What do you want, perv?

I joined eHarmony,
and you would not believe

some of the comments
I received on my profile.

One woman called me
a flabby-armed grandpa.


Listen to me:
Online dating's for losers.

I'm sure the woman who wrote that

has an ass as wide as Satan's beard.

I don't get the reference.

Satan has an unusual beard.

It grows sideways somehow.

Tell you what, Leonard.

I'm in a giving mood.

We'll hit the clubs after work,
and I'll be your wingwoman.

Callie, you have a heart
as thick as Merlin's beard.

I don't get the reference.


[Horn blows]

Three points!
Put it on the thing!

All right, I expect to see
everyone at practice

this afternoon.

But first, we're going to be
talking about dreams.

One time I had a dream
where I had an egg sac.

Then I fertilized my own eggs.
It was kind of hot.

I'm talking about our aspirations.

I want each of you to write down
your dream.

No judgment.

Okay, let's see what we got.

Martin wants to be an erotic dancer.

We're very flexible.

Erik wants to paint.

Art is the gateway to the soul.

Croatian man: Doctor.
We've been over that.

It's ridiculous.
And Doug wants to fly.


These are all very achievable dreams,

except Goren's,

but they also take years of
careful planning and practice.

You can't just rush into them.

So aim high but take your time.

Can everyone say that with me?

Aim high but take your time.

Take my dream, for instance.

Right now I'm just
a social services coordinator.

But just across the hallway
awaits the office

of the senior
social services coordinator.

It's only a five-foot walk
to that office,

but for me,
it's five-year plan.

[Horn blows] [All groan]

Okay, guys, see you
at practice this afternoon.

All: Oh, man...

Come on, gang, big game's
just around the corner.

It's great exercise,

teaches team building, confidence,

and it is mandatory.

I got to say, Twayne,
if I gave social services

1,000-to-1 odds,
it'd be generous.

I'll put $1 million
on social services.

Twayne, I don't know
if you heard me right.

With those odds,
a social services win nets me

a billion dollars.

It's a no-brainer.

As a bookie,
I'm compelled to take your bet.

Is there is a second half
to that sentence?

No, that's it.

Croatian man,

I may have been
too negative with you earlier.

There's no reason
you can't be a doctor one day.

So I've gotten you a position
here at the hospital...

Food court.

This is Troy, the chief
of open sandwich surgery

here at Sandwich Doctors.

Just keep your pube stash
out of the deli meat.

Teacher, I do not know
if this is right job for me.

This is perfect for you, okay?

A few years of this,
and you'll be ready

to think about applying
to nursing school.

Now I'll take a harvest turkey
and oniociabatta.

Your first patient.

Light mayo.

Red, 45, hut, hut, hike!



I think I have a concussion.

[Blows whistle] Great job, guys.

Remember, everybody touches the ball,

or nobody touches the ball, got it?

1,000-to-1 was generous.

I'm gonna lose a million dollars.


[Ball squeals]


- Whoa.
- Wow.

Could've been a lucky throw.


Randall, this is a closed practice.

You are gonna hurt someone
with your power

and pin-point accuracy.

Hey, Randall!
Do it again!


[All chanting]
Randall, Randall, Randall.

Looks like we got ourselves a game.

My name is Mr. Skeffington,
and I'm super excited

to be your teacher's new superior.

Uh, yes, Mark, is it?

You know damn well who it is.

Look, I understand
the whole "ringer angle,"

but how did you get my dream job?

Twayne just gave it to me.

He doesn't care who sits in here.

Who's the bird?
She's my type.

Oh, that's just my assistant, Heather.

She comes with the office.

And I do mean comes with.

I don't get it.

Mark, you really need to teach
that lecture on winking.


This is so exciting.

The ladies are gonna eat me up
like slop at a pig farm.

Maybe let me do the talking.

All you have to do is look pretty

and sign this contract.

All it says is that you're tied
exclusively to me

as your wingwoman
and that I cannot be prosecuted

for any activities, legal or not,

that may occur in the course
of my wingwomaning.

Well, nobody ever got hurt
by signing something.

[Tires screeching]

Where's the club?

The street is going to be our club.

And there's our first prospect.

Oh, she's cute, Leonard.

You should go ask her out.

I think I'm just gonna go home.

The hell you are.

It's $100 for the hour,

and she can do whatever she wants.

Pardon me, miss,
but would you like a date?

- [Shrieks]
- [Screaming]

My seeing eyes!

Ugh, this may take a while.

[Jaunty brass music]

[Grunting rhythmically]


What's going on?

Just teaching some bros

how to strong-arm their goals
into submission.

Plus, now that they've turned
their dreams into reality,

they're way better at tossing
around the old pig skin.

Hey, let's show Mark
what we learned, guys.

- Come on.
- [Blows whistle]

- [Whimpering]
- [Grunts]

Still think they're a bunch of losers?

The zombie guy is good,

but the second-best player
is the tree.

[Blows whistle]

Guys, you're jumping way ahead.

Everyone, line up for
some good game handshake drills.

- Hey, nice job.
- All right.

- Good game.
- Good job.

You are not exempt from
handshake drills, Mr. Ringer.

Where do you think you're going?

To get my sandwich on!

♪ I'm gonna get a sandwich
for my lunch ♪

Hey, buddy.
Why the long mustache?

I'm worthless.

Teacher tell me
I am not real doctor person.

may I call you Goren?

Yes, of course.

Only you can look into your heart

and decide if you're a doctor

or just a sandwich doctor.

[Siren wails]

[Tires screech]

Bam! You're a doctor.

Now get in there
and do something to that guy,

maybe with, like, a scalpel
or those zappy pads.

Well, "sandwich" is crossed out.



You're my favorite ho.
You know that?

Oh, thank God.

I know we hos
run our mouths sometimes.

You don't know how much
that means to me.

Now get over there and sell it.

Oh, hi, ladies.

- Oh!
- Ooh!


That's right.
Really grind it.

Raven 69. Cowlick backslap.
Go, go, go, go!

They're running actual plays.

Have you ever seen
a 1,000-to-1 team running plays?

This is the only 1,000-to-1
team I've ever seen.

I just got a call
from the chief of surgery

over at Sandwich Doctors informing me

that Croatian man didn't scrub in

for work this morning.

And what is Toby doing at cornerback?

I specifically put him at safety.

Yeah, I made some tweaks
to your lineup.

It wasn't working for me.

So you've stolen my dream job,

interfered with my students,

and now you've fiddled with my roster?

I am gonna have a really hard time

Q.B.'ing like this.

You are not going to like
what happens next.

- Take a knee, son.
- [Groans]

We took a vote.
You're off the team.

But I came up with all the plays.

I designed the uniforms.
I coined our motto.

"Smiling isn't everything;
It's the only thing."

And as a result,
a lot of people got hurt, Mark.

You're just not good at strategizing

or motivating or leading.

Heather will validate your parking

for up to
but no more than three hours.

All right, guys,
let's run our end-of-game twist

top secret play.


You'll regret this, Randall!

You will all regret this!


Can't stop.
Won't stop.

They think they're gonna come
into my house and start a war?

Get some!


I'm resigning from social services

and joining your team.

I'm gonna kick Randall's ass.

[All laughing] Why would we want you?

You're even worse than the koala.

Because I have this.

Good lord.
[Both gasp]

The Leviathan.

It's the most complicated play
ever devised.

I never thought it actually existed.

Welcome aboard, soldier.

- Hyah!
- Ear snap.

- [Grunting]
- This doesn't make sense.

We're on the same team now.
I'm welting.

Put me in, coach.
I'm ready to play.


Just in time for morning roll call.

Plant your ass.

Grimes, I ow
I'm the new guy, so to speak,

but shouldn't we be practing
for the game?

There's police work to be done first.

Meet your new partner.
Rodriguez, get over here.

I'm two days from retirement.

Just stay out of my way,

and maybe you won't get yourself dead.

Now give him [bleep] because
he doesn't have a mustache.

His upper lip is as smooth as
my new baby's bottom.


But seriously, you know how to handle

one of these things, right?

It's crazily dangerous out there.

Okay, pipin' hot chocolate pour deux.

It's a fun low-caffeine
alternative to coffee.

Thanks, rook.

Sorry about the facial hair
crack earlier.

It was way harsh, bro.

You'll make a great enforcer.



[Gunshot] Ah!

Oh, my God!

[Sirens wailing]

Well, congratulations, rookie.

With Rodriguez dead,

you're our new middle linebacker.


Now, listen, internal affairs
is gonna be here any minute.

So repeat after me:
Rodriguez went nuts,

pulled a gun, attacked you,

forcing you to act
in self-defense.

Got it? Good.
See you at practice.

Oh, what a day.

Making dreams come true
and taking names.

Hey, buddy.
You okay?

It's all so poetic, isn't it?

One bullet, one life.

Take your ticket.
Wait your turn.

But what they don't tell you:

The house always wins.


Let's just take it easy for--

You're looking at a ghost,
Randall, a shell.

You've taken everything.

Now all I ha left is
this football game,

and I'll be damned if
I'm gonna let you take that too.

You're going down tomorrow.
Got it?

Come on, guys.
Let's get out of here.

Now, listen here,

If you were in my stable,
you'd be my number one bitch.

- Hey, that's my ho.
- Yeah, Callie.

It's not what it looks like.


You better have some money
for me, delicious,

or so help me God...

It's been a slow day.


[Sizzling] [Groans]

All right.
All right.

That's better.

Only $53,000 to go.

[Funky music]

Now, that's pimpin'.

[Cheers and applause]

Okay, boys, let's get out there

and play America's game
the way God intended.


I don't know how I feel about that.

Of course.
I respect your integrity, Lilly.

- Hold him.
- Alley-oop!


[Heart pumping quickly]

[Cheering] Yah!

Let's do this!


Here it is!


Coming for you, Skeffington!

And please watch over my players

and allow them to do their best.

And barring that,
just keep them out of my way

while I drag their asses
to an impossible victory,


You know, Twayne,
I can't help but feel

that your gambling addiction
is a cry for help.

The disposable high you get
from a winning bet

willever truly fill the void.

What you really need is a friend.

My God, you're right.

Carmine, would you be my friend?

Of course I will, Twayne,
right after I take your money.


[Whistle blowing] [Crowd cheers]

[Gears clicking]


Hey, Mark, you see how well
I kicked the ball?

[Grunting] [Crowd gasping]

I got you all day!
I got you all day!


[Grunts] Jesus, Lilly.

I'm all for gratuitous violence,
but you crossed the line.

I mean, you went ape [bleep]
out there.

Just stay out of my way, old man.


[Whistle tweets]

Blue 42! Blue 42!

- Eh?
- Mm-hmm.

Why is he giving Randall
a sneaky wink?

- Hut!
- [Growling]

[Groans] [Whistle blows]

Mark tackled me.
He's so good at football.

That brings us to halftime.

And now we'd like to honor
officer Rico Rodriguez

with a moment of silence.

- Randall, a word.
- Don't tackle me!

Are you throwing the game?

How did he see the wink?

You can't do this!
It's all I have.

I want to pulverize you
fair and square.

Last night when I walked in
on you contemplating suicide,

I realized dreams mean something.

So when I stole your job

and belittled you
in front of your class,

I was wrong.

I know how hard it is

for you to apologize, Randall,
and I--

Would you just let me finish!

I realize now just how much
this game means to you.

And I want you to win it.

Randall, I don't know what to say.

Even though slamming you
against the turf

felt damn good given everything
you've put me through,

I'm sorry too.

Plus these steroids are giving me back

you wouldn't believe.

[Giggling] Ooh, bubbles.

Listen up, guys.

I'd like to introduce you

to your new social services ringer,

Mr. Mark Lilly.

Mark Lilly, everyone.
Mark Lilly.

[Whispering] Ah, why?

- [Clears throat]
- Lilly!

- What the hell are you doing?
- Switching teams.

I know it's not really
in the rule book,

but it seems to be allowed
in sports movies.

I'm no goon, Grimes.

I'm a social worker.

And I've still got your playbook.

Murder formation, boys.

You're in at Q.B.
Give 'em hell.

Okay, guys.
Lilly express. Hut, hut!

- [Growls]
- Ow!

Oh, my God.
I can totally see bone.

Oh, my God, there is no way
that'll heal properly.

Hey, buddy, you're fine.

You're gonna be fine.
It's just a scratch.

Team doctor!

Teacher, I help.

- Oh...
- Mm-hmm.

Go ahead, I guess.

It calm my nerve.

Oh, no!
Oh, my God!

It's worse than I thought it would be!

God, the condiments!
Oh, my...


All better.
16 American dollar, please.

Now get out there and win.

[Intense music]

[Whistle blows]

- Okay, guys...
- It's time.

Both: The Leviathan.

[Crowd cheers]

[Heart pumping]

[Indecipherable deep growling]


[Wet squelching]


We sawed your glider in half,
you hairy midget.


[All shouting]


[Gears clicking]

Aim for the ball.



[Cheers and applause]

[Whistle blows]

[All cheer]

How many extra points can they get?

You know, you bet a lot on a sport

whose rules you don't understand.

That's the first touchdown
anyone's ever scored on us.

You're a pantload as a cop,

but you're a hell of a coach, Lilly.

Want to go towel-snap
some I.T. nerds, sir?

Yes, I do.

It's what Rodriguez would've wanted.

[Sobbing gruffly]

You're a quack, you know that?
A real quack.

That arm was a piece of crap.

Get your leg looked at
before it falls off, Mark.


[Tires squealing]

Tally-ho, ho.
Good news.

I release you from your contract.

Using the money I made
from selling your body for sex,

I literally pimped out my ride.

But what am I supposed to do now?

Oh, I know it's the streets.

My *** is looking a little empty.


You say the future belongs
to those who believe

in dreams.

Well, at least this way I can
make my dick look bigger.

That the world riches

await those bold enough to grab them.

But when chasing your dreams

be sure to take them one step at a time.