Ugly Americans (2010–2012): Season 2, Episode 1 - Wet Hot Demonic Summer - full transcript

Education is although
finding teachable moments.

We're here for the boy.

And an egg roll.

Those rare lessons that leave an
indelible imprint on the student.

Then again,

a lot depends on
the teacher too.

Please don't kill me!

Stop squealing, son.
You're safe.

Who are you?
Where are you taking me?

You're a wizard,

and I'm taking you to
your initiation ceremony.



Ugh.

Man, I am not good
with children.

Magical.

The summer solstice approaches,

and the time for our
attack has come.

Our mortal enemies,
the wizards,

have once again
gathered at mount magic.

Ow!

The fortress has an
impenetrable force field...

and a secret entrance.

It was designed by A.D.T.
It's really solid work.

Our goal is to find a way in
and slaughter everyone inside.

Questions?

Why are we doing this again?



The wizards are a
force for good...

that could really put a damper
on our whole armageddon thing.

Look, do you want to be
queen of the damned or not?

Seriously.

I guess.

Bring me proposals, people,

and remember, there are no
bad ideas in a brainstorm,

but horrible ideas will
result in castration.

Your balls are welcome.

Leonard, you forgot to
sign the census report.

It's due first thing Monday.

My name isn't Leonard.

It's melchior,
Leonard's hologram.

I can never tell with you two.

What, did he go to the
bathroom or something?

No, he's been gone
for two weeks.

And this is the first
you've noticed.

- Where is he?
- Important wizard business.

I'm afraid I've been
sworn to secrecy.

All right, all right, yeah,
don't say anything...

that's going to get
you into trouble.

He's at mount magic...

for the new wizard
initiation ceremony.

Just don't tell
anybody else, m'kay?

Hmm.

We begin with the
ancient ceremony...

of roll call.

Wizard of the air?

Right here.

Wizard of social services?

In the house.

Wizard of copyright
infringement?

You...Shall...Not...Sue!

And the rest?

Apprentices, the summer
solstice draws nigh.

Soon, 50 years of training...

with your beloved mentors
will be complete,

and you shall
part ways forever.

Gather yourselves.

This must be emotional
for all of you.

Well, I suppose we should
hug or something, huh?

I'm still trying to figure
out what's going on here.

Are you...My dad?

Let's step outside
for a minute.

I think it's time for...
"The talk."

So you see, Lionel,
before a wizard can retire,

he must create an apprentice...

and train him for decades
in the magical arts.

You created me? How?

By laying an egg.

I remember it like
it was yesterday.

- Okay, here we go.
- Oh, my taint!

Push, Leonard, push!

The urethra was not
meant for this!

Oh, oh, my balls...

Mm, that's smooth.

I can't do this. I can't do it.

I'm not ready. Sorry, egg.

I'm in my early 500s.
I'm far too young for this.

Meep!

Long story short,
that's why you were raised...

by Chinese immigrants...

and why you're 50 years old.

You abandoned me? I hate you!

I'm sorry. That was rude.

I... I didn't mean
to lose my temper.

No, it was totally expected,

especially since we just
have one day left...

to cram in five
decades of training.

I wish I never came
out of your pee hole.

Jesus, what a whiner.

I found a map of mount
magic in archives.

Turns out it's across the lake
from an abandoned mining camp.

I love camp.

Not that kind of camp, Twayne.

Now, Leonard trusts Mark.

There must be some
way we can use him...

to get inside the fortress.

You wanted to see me, Twayne?

Watch and learn.

Mark, we need you to come
with us to mount magic...

to get Leonard's signature.

Wait, how did you know...

that Leonard forgot to
sign his census report?

Or that he's at mount magic?

- You told me.
- I did?

Yep. We leave after work.

Wait, if you're already
going up there,

why do I have to come with you?

Because, uh... Mm-mm-mm.

Becau... um...

Because we have a
summer camp there...

and...We want you to be...
The head counselor?

Ugh.

Whoa! I love camp.

Counseling at Scattica
was my first summer job.

See? I knew you'd be perfect.

Did I get fired for
being too intense?

Yeah. Okay?

Was it still the best
summer of my life?

Without a doubt.

Do I keep in touch with
everyone I met there...

whether they like it or not?

Definitely.

Camp is for life.

Sounds great, Mark.
See ya there.

Oh, yeah.

So let me get this straight.

In order for Mark to
lead us to Leonard,

we have to build an
entire summer camp?

We can do that in
six hours, right?

You know, I just wanted
to borrow your van.

You didn't have to drive.

Look, if '80s cinema
has taught me anything,

it's that summer
camp counselors...

are all horny teen girls
that are up for anything.

Present company excluded.

Hey, how are you guys
doing back there?

It's fine, teacher.
We watch DVD.

- It's Dirty Dancing.
- Again?

I wish I could experience
love like that.

Doug, no!

Oof, that is
traumatizing for him.

Why am I here again?

I told you, grimes,
if I leave the city...

with more than 3 students,
I need a second chaperone.

And the koala
counts as a person?

Oh, great.

Here come the waterworks again.

You pussy.

Ah!

- Wah!
- Ah!

Well, there goes Androx.

We're gonna miss him
in accounts payable.

I remember his first
signing bonus.

How is he going to get lilly...

to expose the secret
entrance again?

Leonard has to sign
his census report,

or he can't retire.

That should be enough
bait to lure him out.

I'm telling you, sir,
it's a sure thing.

But if we're going to do this,
we need to do it all the way.

Showtime.

Once your foreskin is removed,

your power's released.

And you will finally be
a full-fledged wizard.

Uh, hold on.

You're going to
snip my John Thomas?

Duh.

How did you expect
to become a wizard?

There's a piece of me that's
having some real doubts...

about this whole ceremony.

I can't blame you.

But if you try to
escape the premises,

you'll be shot on sight.

See you at the horseshoe pit.

Ahhhh, bonding.

This is the worst summer
camp I've ever seen.

'80s cinema lied to me, Mark.

This is no taco party.
It's a sausage party.

Speaking of wieners,
I'm starving.

If we're going to
survive up here,

we're going to need some food.

You're with me, maggot flesh.

Huh?

What the hell?
Where's all the food?

This sausage party sucks.

You don't even
have sausage here.

You're mixing up your use of
"sausage party," Randall.

Vermin? Ew!

This entire place
is contaminated!

It's every man for himself.

I'll live off the land.

I'll become one with gaia,

the earth goddess mother!

Drama queen.

Silvermine?

Well, no food, no girls,
but Randall hits pay dust.

Kids are arriving tomorrow
at 9:00 A.M. sharp.

If you let them down,
you are letting yourself down.

So am I gonna ride you? Yeah.

I am going to ride you...Hard.

And you're going to
thank me for it later.

Speaking of census reports,

aren't you supposed to
visit your wizard friend?

Right, Twayne?

What's that?

You want to help me
with my totem pole?

Aldramak, Twayne invited
you to join his project.

How about we get in the spirit?

Twayne, that is really good,
by the way.

You have a gift.

Gold star.

Twayne, you are
without a doubt...

the least giving improv
partner I've ever had.

May I remind you we're
here to kill wizards,

not make fruity
arts and crafts?

Oh, right, the plan. Got it.

Nice!

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh!

Damn old fools.

Who needs to do
anything more stupid...

Wow!

Broomsticks!

Everyone else is having fun!

When do we get to
do the fun stuff?

This is the fun stuff, buddy.

I mean, we could
collate K-12 forms,

but let's save
some for dessert.

Am I right?

I have to say,
I'm a little disappointed.

This is not at all
what we discussed.

The props go here.
The soft light goes here.

And why is there a thin layer
of silver dust on everything?

Our apologies, Mark.

It will be tip-top
by tomorrow night.

Apologies won't make this...

the best dang talent show
in summer camp history.

I mean, I can't put
my name on this!

Mark means business.
We better pick up the pace.

Don't mop that if you're not
going to sweep it first.

Twayne, we're here to follow
Mark into mount magic,

not reenact meatballs.

Can you do me a solid...

and pull your head
out of your ass?

I don't have to
take this abuse.

I'm a bone raper, sir.

I bid you good day.

♪ Come on aboard the ship,
yep, yep ♪...

♪ of camp friendship ♪...

All right.
Hey, welcome, everybody!

We have lots of great stuff
planned for the weekend,

including tomorrow's
big talent show.

Who's excited?

- Why are we here again?
- Shh!

Fantastic.

Now I'd like to
introduce you...

Toby, Doug,

Eric, Randall,

Croatian man, and...

Callie.

Okay, now I'm excited.

Um, where are you going
dressed like that?

Out.

I need to have a
chat with her...

about her authority issues.

She clearly did not read
my dress code leaflet.

You're in charge till I'm back.

All right, team,

we can either make
lanyard bracelets,

or we could mine for silver.

You know what?
We're gonna mine for silver.

♪ Cleaning up the
undercarriage ♪...

♪ Don't have any soap ♪...

♪ I'll just use a pinecone ♪...

Wha?

Careful, Francis.
No sudden moves.

Look, lady, before we go on,
we agree this is casual, right?

Team hiffle piffle has
possession of the queef.

A hail on the block,

and it's Nigel dodgel
before the snoot!

Yeah!

I can't believe that
after 500 years...

of protecting the seas,

it's time to move on.

And what will the retired
Leonard powers be doing?

Three words,
gentlemen: El pollo loco.

Nyah. Heh.

Already have a franchise
set up in Pasadena.

That flame-grilled
chicken money?

Liquid gold.

What the [Bleep], ref?

You're not gonna call that?

Say, Leonard,
where's your apprentice?

Guh!

Stupid ceremony.

Don't need to...Do it.

From some guy who wasn't
around for 50 years.

Huh?

Mm. Ah.

Wha?

♪
♪...

Total boner city.

Ah! She will be mine.

Hey, pal, you're missing
the festivities.

Callie, I think we
need to have a chat...

about respecting my authority.

I'm head counselor.

If it makes me "unpopular,
" so be it.

Hey, speaking of
census reports,

look up there; It's Leonard.

Leonard.

Mark! What are you doing here?

Twayne has me running
his summer camp.

Also, you forgot to
sign your census report.

The two are
completely unrelated.

Oh, [Bleep]! For reals?

I can't retire till
I sign that report.

You're retiring?

Yes.

Here's my replacement. Larry.

It's Lionel, sir.

Come to the secret entrance,

and I'll explain everything.

It's a sycamore tree
with gold leaves...

and a unicorn carved in it.

It's not as gay as it sounds.

And make sure no
one follows you.

Follows you, follows you.

Checkmate.

Whew!

Zombie man,
why are we to do this?

Uh, well, in a nutshell,

because I guess we don't yet
have robots that can do this.

Why are you not mining?

What does this have
to do with camp?

Uh, mainly it has to do with...

get back to work before I
cut your water rations.

I don't know how to be
any clearer than that.

This forest is kinda creepy.

I hope I don't get... Ah!

Sorry, Mark. I couldn't resist.

And voila.

My last official piece
of business at the D.O.I.

So you're really going
through with this?

After tomorrow's ceremony,

Lionel will be taking my place,

and I'm off to California.

Well, you will be missed.

But I look forward to
working with you, Lionel.

Hiyah!

That is Mr. Chang to you.

I have seniority.

Hey, now you're learning.

Really put that
boot on his throat.

Remember, whoever kills
the most wizards...

gets a free breakfast
at Denny's.

Oh.

He must be their king.

My God, Al Gore was right.

I see it all so clearly now.

Human beings are
complete ass[Bleep].

Oh, silver, Mexican gold.

Zombie person,
please... Need hydration.

Hey, who hogged all the water?

I need to keep my skin moist.

Damn it, guys.

Now I'm gonna have
to go up and fill it.

Now, pull!

Not my face!

I should warn you all now.

I totally have to
take a [Bleep].

At least I die...

doing what I love most,

shivering in cave.

Almost dying really makes me...

feel like eating
something alive.

March! March!

The summer solstice has begun.

Prepare your penises.

Welcome to the wizardhood.

And salutations
from deathsville.

Invaders!
Form the ring of power.

Huh?

The only one who's allowed
to touch my junk...

is that red-skinned ViXen.

So who's ready for the
big talent show tonight?

Huh?

Hey, wha...
Where'd everyone go?

- Ah! Ah!
- Aar!

Ah!

Ah!

Oh.

Ah!

Blech.

Clang!

Guys, if I could just
have your attention.

Great job mining today,
really phenomenal.

What I wanna to talk
to you about now is,

who gets eaten first?

This is a team effort.

I don't want to
be the only guy...

making this decision.

Although, personally,
I don't eat fish,

and I can't digest metal.

And the Croatian guy just
smells like a bus seat.

So I guess we all
know who that leaves.

Lunch? Is that his name?

Am I getting that right?

- Typical Doug.
- He's quite the digger.

Amazing what fear can
do to an animal...

Uh, person, animal person.

Where is everyone?

Callie? Randall?

Various assorted demons?

Ooh, you're funny.

What the... Hey!

Mark!

What the hell are you doing?

Get out of here, you tit.

Or did you not see
the sock on the door?

I'm about to give
your colleague...

a taste of me old
bangers and mash.

- What is going on here?
- I'm the hot counselor, Mark.

All the campers
want to get with me.

Clearly you need to
watch more '80s movies.

But he's so...Young.

I'm twice your age, ass[Bleep].

You must have some
serious insecurities...

if you need this
kind of validation.

Whatever, Dr. Freud.
If you're so smart,

why did you lead
daddy's army...

right to the wizards'
hidden fortress?

Wait. What?

- I see...Daylight.
- We're saved.

Guys, I just want
to say two things.

"A," I love you.

There it is. That's how I feel.

"B," I am still
determined to eat Doug...

one way or the other.
Who's with me?

Oh, would you look at that?
It's murder time!

Ow! Grimes?

Rawr!

They have an army of bears!

Take evasive action!

It's a miracle.

I think they've
come to save us.

Ah!

Oh, my retirement chicken!

Feast, my brethren!

Then we will hibernate!

Ah!

Splat!

Digging underneath them!

Right. Why didn't
we think of this?

Ohoh, my God! Leonard,
are you okay?

Quickly, Lionel
must be circumcised.

Whip it out!

Ah, it's too late.
The sun has set.

Looks like Leonard's gonna have
to go through another egg-Nancy.

That is, assuming
he pulls through.

That looks pretty bad.

It's a good thing they told
me the camp has a chopper.

Oh, my God,
there was never any camp.

How is that not obvious by now?

Friends are a funny thing.

Some people are always
finding new ones.

"I am not a bear.
I am a human being."

Rawr!

Some people prefer to keep
the ones they already have.

You clean faster!

Yes, sir. Right away, sir.

And some just make do
with whoever's around.

I'm so sorry about your
apprentice, Leonard.

Oh, I just can't imagine anyone
who would want me as a mentor.

I can think of one person.

Um, I don't think you're supposed
to drink in your condition.

Don't tell me how
to raise my new egg!