Ugly Americans (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 9 - Kill... Mark, Kill - full transcript

Mark tries to help Leonard with his wand issues, disastrously. Twayne meets his soulmate.

Current nobody Jessica Alba

Is trying to put herself
back on the map

By hooking up with former
president Abraham Lincoln.

Older men are out,
but ancient men are totally in.

He's tall, he's famous,

And Louis Vuitton makes
his stovepipe hat.

The two are rumored
to be celebrating her birthday

By attending the Broadway
show a corpse line.

Do you think the evening might
end up in the Lincoln bedroom?

I am so turned on by you
right now.

I'll tell you
what Lincoln and Alba need:

A nickname, like bennifer
or brangelina or stoprah.

Everyone is completely missing
the point.

Lincoln is returning
to the theater

For the first time
since his assassination.


Those who don't learn history
are doomed to repeat it.

Am I good or what?


Go away.

Why don't you make me,

Could if I wanted to.

You are so dead!

What's going on here?

Oh, what's up, player?

Careful, you're smearing.

Just hanging with my nemesis.

And no acknowledgement
for me whatsoever.

Less talking, more sning,

Why is he in 2-d?

I stopped him
when he was halfway

Between the underworld
and our world.

I order you back
to the evil realm.

You screw off.

Leonard, there's something
wrong with your wand.

Just chillax.

My wand is dope.

I don't even need it.

I'm scheduling
a wand consultation.

I'm as virile as ever.

I can see your man-boobs
through that shirt.

Eyes up here, terry.

Okay, you need five minutes
in your time-out tube.

And you, what's going on, buddy?

It's not a late-life crisis,
if that's what you're implying.

Wait, the polish
hasn't even set yet!

Today I'd like to talk

About Lincoln's
many accomplishments

Since his death.

He started
the Lincoln foundation,

Helping minotaurs find
their way out of mazes.

He's actively involved

In the rainbows for leprechauns

Perhaps most interesting of all,
he invented the sunroof.


I heard that Alba
is just a beard

And he's really
into Mark Wahlberg.

Can we get off Jessica Alba
d focus on what's important?

Lincoln is able
to get so much done

Because he respects the rights
and opinions of others.

I suppose that's aimed at me.

Well, you tell me.

Obviously, it struck a chord.

Maybe it's something
for us to explore.


You know, a good place
to start digging

Might be
into Leonard's abdomen,

Preferably with a rusty knife.

Your sarcasm
is not appreciated here.

I am completely sincere
when I say

I want to floss
with Leonard's veins!

Flossing is very important.

I just folded my bladder.

I couldn't help but notice
that your pee is black too.

And we both have
barbed shafts.

Hurts so good.
Am I right, brother?


We are totally in sync.

I'll shake him off.

Be the guest of myself.


two solid hours.

See this red dot?

That indicates water damage.

Oh, water damage?

I haven't been near
any so-called water.

There's seaweed in it.

Anyway, can't be fixed.

And...Cue the hard sell.

Check out the XL-550.

Japanese cherry blossom.

Only 49.99 per month,
century commitment,

All of the spells
and unlimited hexing included.

For the thousandth time,

There's nothing wrong
with my wand.

When they're over 400,

They get really defensive
about the wizard stick.

You're smoking now?

This has nothing to do
with Lincoln.

Whoa, where did that
come from?

Oh, never mind.

you wouldn't understand.

Oh, I think I do.

All the news about Lincoln
dating Alba

Has you feeling pressure
to act young...

The ridiculous ponytail,
dating a mermaid 1/20 your age,

The glitter.

Go run me a bath.

Yes, my liege.

Give me your wand
for a second.

Just humor me.

Was that so hard?

Now give it back.

That's not how
this is going to go.

Mark, I'll die
without that wand.

It's time
for a little tough love.

That wand is my life force!

Just want to say
that I saw what happened

And express how sorry I am.

But there are no refunds.

Killing Leonard was...

The single most traumatic
experience of my life.

I hope you all can find it
in your hearts

To understand that.


I guess not.

So now I would like
to read a poem I've written

Entitled wizard man.


excuse me, sir.

No time?

Sorry, looks like
we do not have time.

Please enjoy some cookies
and coffee.

Just tell me the part
where his head exploded again.


Everyone out!

[people murmuring]

What is going on?

We have the room
for another 15 minutes.

I said spread 'em.

Hey, take it easy.

[siren wailing]


oh, just ham.

Mr. President!

How did you know Leonard?

Sir, back away from the glass.

He must have really liked

Wow, he's going to town
on that thing.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

presidential reassassination.


This has been happening to us
all day.

Here it is.

He's a lot denser
than he looked.

Oh, you didn't say anything
about a five-story walk-up.

You wait here,
and I'll find out

If there's an elevator
or something.

Don't eat that.


Oh, man.

I should have used two hands.


Anyone home?

[ominous music]

Another Lincoln connection.

Leonard was in Lincoln's
security detail?

He kept that to himself.

oh, sorry.

It's just, you seem
so much like a ghost.

You break into my apartment
and call me a ghost.

Eh, nice manners.

So Leonard actually protected
Abraham Lincoln?

Well, "protected" wouldn't be
how most would describe it.

[people screaming]

That man shot the president!

Somebody stop him!

Fan out! The assassin
must be nearby!

I can't believe it;

I'm talking to the world-famous
actor john wilkes booth.

So long!

Ah, much less charismatic
in person.

From that night on, he never
stopped blaming himself.

I know how he feels.

I am so sorry
about killing your host.

Leonard's not dead.

Not dead?
We just had his funeral.

Yeah, I probably should have
said something earlier.

It was so nice having some time
to myself.

Wait, but he blew up.

Where is he?

The gestation urn
that you carried over here,

It holds Leonard's flesh

So his body can regenerate back
into the original Leonard.

Oh, my God, I didn't kill him.
That's incredible.

Yup, super.

I can't wait to get back
on manscaping duty.

So many band-aids!

There's pieces of Leonard

Are you sure it all landed
in here?

Leonard's hologram said

We need to get all the pieces

Before they regenerate,

Or we're going to have
some kind of problem.

You missed one.


Magic! Magic! Magic! Magic!
Magic! Magic! Magic! Magic...

This must be the problem
he was referring to.

Who wants
chocolate chip cookies?


I do.
I have a gluten allergy.

They'll be ready
in 20 minutes.

In the meantime, I want you
to edit down this grocery list.

I am only buying one kind
of cereal.

[all complaining]

Make sure it's wheat free!


Got your message.
Kind of busy.

Do you have a question?

Yes, how do we undo this?

And why are you dressed
like that?

I haven't been allowed
to dress myself in 500 years.

Leonard hated brown.

I think it brings out my eyes.

Candy, candy, candy!

You fed them?

They gave me
the puppy dog eyes.

You know, what could I do?

Man, you just keep
screwing up.

It's going to be
that much harder

To mash them down now.

What do you mean?

I want to lick the bowl!


Keep doing that,
and eventually you'll be left

With one normal-sized Leonard.

You're saying
I have to kill Leonard...


500 more times?

You should have smashed
the garbage bag full of them

Against the dumpster
when you had the chance.

My penis is lightly huger.

Last one down's a rusty wand!


Okay, first rule of murdering:

Don't get too attached.

Hey, look, a bird...

A little help!

Hey, 7 wait up.
Bouncy, bouncy...

I have nuts.

Can I go play
in that guy's van?

[motor running]

Yes, I'm afraid you can.

Yay, sleepover!

Do I regret this decision?

I figure I'll lose 20 a day
to natural causes.

We should have Leonard up
and running in a few months.

Your denial's
really turning me on.

Is that weird to say?

* merrily, rrily,
merrily, merrily... *

* merrily, merrily,
merrily, merrily *

* life is but a dream *

Good night, 21.

Good night, number 311.

Good night, 463.

I think we're doing
a pretty good job.

What do you think?

I want you
out of the apartment

By tomorrow morning.


Dude, we go through
a bag of kitty litter

Every ten minutes

Because of
their bladder infections.

I'm itchy inside again.

I'll get the cranberry juice.

[telephone ringing]

[clears throat]

Mark and Randall's residence.

I see you standing
over the body

Of another dead president.

We had cereal today.
What did you eat?

Pay attention, damn it!

Lincoln's going to die,

And it's going to be
all your fault...Again!

Hang up the phone, twayne.

I told you not to say my name.

He couldn't hear that.

How can you not hear "twayne"?

It sticks in your head.

Twayne, twayne, twayne...

twayne, twayne...

Somebody's going to try
to kill a man named Lincoln,

And we have to stop him.

Pass it on.

67 just called you a girl.

Pass it on.

God, it's perfectly natural
to sit down when you pee.

Pass that on!

Tell me what you want.

I want you...

To murder all the tiny leonards
for me.

Get out.

I'm not just
some murdering demon

Who kills out of obligation.

I do it for pleasure.

If you'd just please
let me sleep here tonight,

I promise I'll slaughter
all of them tomorrow.

I heard the slender one say
he wants to murder us.

Maybe we should cut a deal.

We have to work together.

Lincoln's life depends on it.

It's every Leonard for himself.


[all yelling]

There can be only one Leonard.


Just bide your time, 254.

They'll destroy themselves
soon enough.

Okay, guys, I'm getting
kicked out again.

Time to get back in the sack.

Let's do it.

Suck it, Lilly.

Plotting Lincoln's
reassassination with you

Has been the happiest
time of my life.

Reassassinate Lincoln?

[laughs nervously]

Hello, Mark Lilly.

Did I just hear you talking
about killing the president?

Who were you talking to?


See, when I say I'm with you,
I'm with you all the way.

Don't make me cry.

I'm going to get all wrinkled.

Oh, no.

Dut, dut, dut,
I've got to find somebody

To kill these leonards for me.

Grimes, you're my hit man?

Who's this Grimes?
I'm Raoul, Mark.

Now, what's this about?

You need to find
these little leonards

And kill them.

If that doesn't happen,
Lincoln will be dead again

Within a fortnight.

What do you care?
Lincoln's already dead.

It's not for me.
It's for Leonard.

If I don't get him back
to full size by showtime,

He'll lose his chance
to redeem himself.

I will hunt down and kill
your leprechauns.

But I am just one man.

Sounds like you could use
a snitch.

27, here I come!

Let's hear him out.

I can track them.

I inserted chips
between their shoulder blades

While they were sleeping.

I'll serve them up
on a silver platter.

What's the catch?

I get to be the Leonard...

That saves the president.


And you gotta keep
these bad boys coming.

I don't work with junkies.

What other choice do we have?

Fine, but I don't want
to see it.

Oh, hi.
Can I get you a drink?



Right leg, blue.


Oh, God, no.



Hasta la vista, baby.

Do it.

What have I become?

You don't want to do this,


[toilet flushes]

Screw you, Lincoln!


Fourscore, my ass!


Mary Todd was a...
oh, came in early there.

Damn it,
hit the hole and unroll.

Is that so hard?

Look, there's no sense
in doing this

If it isn't going to be fun.

I'm sorry.

I just get worked up sometimes.

That's my head.

Oh, I'll get
some liquid paper.

Night's the night
for Glitz, Glam,

And impenetrable security.

Anyone who looks suspicious
is being taken away.

You're in for
a world of pain, son.

[orchestra tuning]

We love you, abe!

What am I thinking?

My rotator cuff hurts.

I can't make that throw.

Twayne, look in my eyes.

You are going to murder
a man tonight.

We're going to murder
a man tonight.

I've never been a "we."


Ththat's the last of 'em.

Shouldn't he be larger?

My eyes are having trouble
adjusting to their new size.

Son of a bitch.

You're not going to believe
where he is.

Don't worry, Mr. President.

I've got your back.

These are the best seats
you could get?

Well, I want mosh pit
for lady gaga.

Whatever you say, dear.

What the fudge is a mosh pit?

What are we going to do?

We'll never make it
to the theater in time.

And even if we did,
we'd never get in.

You know what has to be done.

I'm not proud of this,

But I crushed up some vicodyns
in his pudding.

Now finish the job.

I hired you to do this.

I've never killed a partner.

I'm not going to start today.

You want to bring back
your pal, Lilly,

You got to take out your tampon.

Venti frappuccino, extra whip.

Grande americano, no room,
two splendas.


And he remembered the splendas.

What's the plan anyway?

Boy, is it hot in here?

I can feel my heart...


Tell you what.

Why don't you hop up on the bed
and tuck yourself in?

But I gotta get up.

The president needs me.

I'm going to need you
to stop talking

And close your eyes

And go to your happy place.

[lively band music]

* dead *

* living as a zombie *

* limping around,
craving brains *

* dead *

* your reanimated body *

* is pus, bile,
and oozing veins *

Looks like some heroics
are in order.


What I wouldn't give
for 2 1/2 more feet.

* The Earth *

* they'll shoot you
with a shotgun *

* life, you really haven't
got one *

Sic semper tyrannis!

* you are... *

* you are... *


[crowd screaming]

* doo doo doo *
we got the perp.

The national nightmare is over.

What the hell are you doing?

He's trying to murder me.

It's not what it looks like.


Don't listen to him.

He's done it before.

They say
all the world's a stage.

Attempted murder
is a serious charge, buddy.

You're going to have to quit
attacking old ladies.

We spend our entire lives

Trying to hit our Mark
before the curtain drops.

50-foot radius, Mark.

But maybe the roles we play
aren't what's important.

It's who we get to share
the stage with that counts.

Looks like you slayed
some dragons out there.

You've spoken out of turn.

Yes, sir, I, too, have grown
these past few days.

I must admit I was wrong
about the brown.

It's like I'm seeing your eyes
for the first time.

Thanks for acknowledging.

Call me?

I have no choice.